Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
I had some trouble this weekend 5/25/98
Hey guys! I'm Chris and this is a half assed version of the Mop-Up. I have some bad news this week....read on
Okay, it goes like this. This weekend, I attended a friend's Graduation Bash/Memorial Day Fiesta/Out 'n' Out Beach Blanket Blast over at a rented Beach House in a little slice of Rhode island heaven known as Narraganset. Well....it got ugly for me. Very ugly. Here are the facts...as I have gathered:
Fact: Hyatte got drunk....(didn't see that coming did'ja?) Fact: Hyatte witnessed a fight Fact: One of Hyatte's friends was in the middle of it. Fact: Hyatte entered the fray Fact: Hyatte was drunk...remember? Fact: Hyatte did surprisingly well! Fact: that was..until Hyatte got hit with a beer bottle. Fact: Hyatte grabbed his friends and got the Hell out of there. Fact: Hyatte wasn't injured...or even bleeding..but felt the need for some more...."anesthetic". Fact: Enter a half full bottle of tequila. Fact: Apparently, as the night progressed...Hyatte felt the need to go swimming in the ocean...fully clothed. Fact: Hyatte and his buds spent the night passed out on a beach..... That was Sunday. I woke up Monday morning in the rain..and soaking wet because I went swimming. Then of course, the Tequila came calling looking for payment for "services rendered". Couple that with a blinding headache from that beer bottle....and assorted bumps and bruises from that fight...(and I think I took a huge fall somewhere too)...Hyatte is pretty much finished for the week....this is going to take a while to bounce back from kids.
Which is NOT to say that I won't be recapping the shows.....I'm here. But I really can't get into the "groove" so to speak...so I'll have to quickly run through this week's RAW..just to tell you what happened (I got something special planned for Nitro). I'm terribly sorry to blow you off like this...but I SWEAR..I waited until the last minute before doing this week's column....I just ain't up for the dance this week. Y'know....it seems that MiCasa is ALSO sick this week....looks like we got us a good ol' fashioned COMPUTER VIRUS happening this week huh? HUH? BA-DUM-DUMMM......(see..I'm shooting blanks)
Alright, so let's get this recapped so I can get back to bed.
RAW IS WAR (or Patterson in jail? Imagine the possibilities!)
-opening theme
-fireworks go off as Ross welcomes us to the show.
-Out comes Vincent K (Are these eggs in my hair?) McMahon along with Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and three policemen. Vince started to brag about how he assaulted Steve Austin last week.
-Austin came out and told the policemen to arrest Vince for "assaulting" him last week. Although I have no idea why..the cops did as they were told. Then Patterson and Brisco were arrested for good measure too. Austin even poured a beer all over Vince's head....(Lite Beer from Miller....talk about product placement)
-This all was highlighted by Vince's facial expressions. While Bischoff never loses that oily smile..no matter what he's doing, Vince actually made the angle work with his buggy eyed expressions....(and that's the last Vince suck up for the night)
-commercials
-The DOA took on the LOD 2000 in that 6 man fight. The LOD's partner turned out to be Darren Drozdov....or "Puke" as they liked to call him. To live up to his name, Puke went ahead and did just that, coughing up a few giblets on the DOA's bikes.
-After the proper amount of brawling....Puke ended up pinning Chainz for the win...this Puke delivered some clotheslines, some power moves, and not much else....but give him time.
-Backstage, Austin was escorting the cops to the squad car with their prisoners.
-commercials
-Austin reveled as the boys were shoved in a cop car. Patterson could be heard moaning....perhaps in anticipation.
-Owen Hart took on Dan Severn. Before Owen could treat us all to a few lines of his rock anthem, "Bad Reputation"..(Owen's a "Black Heart" don't you know), Severn got the match going....obviously, he had to make it quick, as he had a gig at a nearby club with his Queen tribute band.
-While this wasn't exactly an ogre battle, it was a clear procession of moves and bumps. Severn tried to end it with a flick of the wrist, but Owen proved that he was no lily of the valley. Some day, one day we'll see an excellent Severn match, but this wasn't it. In fact, this was a misfire. Nobody won or lost, but Severn ended up the loser of the end when the rest of the Nation ran in and beat him up some. Severn was on the receiving end of a sheer heart attack...or should that be Hart attack?
-spot for MTV's Celebrity death Match with Steve Austin. WCW is PISSED that MTV won't give them an exclusive deal. But seeing how that Ultimate Video Challenge was a dismal bust...you can see why MTV would hedge their bets.
-commercials
-Spot for Adam "Somebody get me a mirror QUICK!"
-The Jackyl came out with Hank the Drunken Angry Dwarf and Crackhead Bob...both of whom are regular visitors to the Howard Stern show....(Gee...wonder why none of Mancow's people get on television...I wonder why)
-After a Jackyl introduction, both guys got to talk a bit. Hank cursed his ass off talking about being selected People's Most Beautiful person online...(Give me him over Flair any day...more on my changing feelings towards Flair in the future.....especially if what is rumored to come to pass comes to pass concerning him and WCW). Crackhead Bob just said hello..basically.
-The deal on Hank is that it's not just a nickname...this guy is a HUGE boozer. I've heard him on Stern's show and all he apparently does in drink and sing karoke (or however it's spelled). It's pretty sad really. As far as Crackhead Bob goes...he had a stroke after OD'ing on Crack..and it pretty much messed his mind up..still, I hear he is making tons of $$ with appearences.
-Then Jackyl brought out the rest of his Flock...oops, I mean "Oddities" Luna, a huge giant, and a fat guy in a mask named "Golga". After more intros.....the Headbangers came out for a one on one between Thrash and Goldga....Goldga quickly won.
-I swear, my life will not be complete until Goldga grabs the mic one day and screams, "I AM NOT A FISH"...let's hope that day comes soon.
-the camera sees that Al Snow is deep in the seats...in disguise but with the Head..who is disguised too.
-commercials
-Jeff Jarrett fought Vader until Kane ran in and beat the big guy up.
-Austin agreed to drop the charges on Vince and the boys unless Vince apoligizes nicely....after a mean apology, Vince humbly said that he was sorry. Austin rubbed his head is glee....Vince must have some really strong glue....(see...I just plain SUCK this week).
-RAW IS WAR becomes THE WAR ZONE as Lawler joins the fun.
-Vince comes back out and says that he didn't mean it when he apologized. Instead, he was going to make Austin suffer by having him take on the Undertaker tonight. He also said that he had agreed to allow Austin to have someone "watch over" Vince during the main event at Over the Edge, because that there was nobody in the WWF who could intimidate Vince.
-commercials
-DX ran a bit where HHH talked to them from an unknown airplane field. HHH had a mission to do in the sky.
-Al Snow attacked Lawler..looking for Vince. I can't wait to see how this plays out.
-Taka Michinoku defeated Togo from Kailiente (whatever)...then the rest of the former Club Kamikazee interfered
-commercials
-DX watched HHH take off...then debated over whether they should try to follow him. Road Dog called Bad Ass "Rockabilly" as a goof..which elicited lots of laughs.....(I liked it too..but I could only smile....I'm really hurting here folks).
-After Sable distracted the ref.....Faarooq ended up pinning Marc Mero. Afterwards, Mero told Sable that if she could get someone to beat him at this Sunday's PPV, then he would release her from her contract...and she would be able to keep her boobies too.
-video spot featuring some classic footage of Pat Patterson as Vince voiced over all his accolades....this is NOT a good time for me as there are so many jokes I could get into..but I just don't have it in me. There was a beauty dealing with Patterson talking about watching someone "crush his apples"...which I will leave there and let YOU fill in the blanks.
-stock footage of a fighter jet...with HHH's voice doing the talking. Apparently, HHH did a little skywriting over Nitro's show in Indiania. Three things were written:
A: HEY WCW, SUCK IT, DX RULES
B: DX ARMY BOMBS WCW
C: ROCK VS HHH TONIGHT ON RAW
I'll say this..the skywriting was HUGE. I wonder how Bischoff is taking it?
-The Rock came to the ring with Mark Henry. He took the mic and told HHH that he had a "Rock Bottom".
-then HHH came out with Chyna. It was a good solid match...andf very long for RAW standards....even going through some...
-commercials
-and then ANOTHER SET of...
-commercials
-then Ross said that they had fulfilled all their commercials responsiblities and would run straight through until the end. Chyna and Henry got into each others faces a few times, but the ref ended up doing a double countout. (Y'know....3-5 years from now, this could very possibly be the main event at Wrestlemania!!!!).
-oh yes, at the end of the match, while Maivia was at the entrance way, yelling at HHH, Faarooq snuck up behind him and gave him a piledriver on the steel ramp....Maivia BOUNCED on the move..which made it look incredible.
-Vince McMahon came out as guest referee for the Austin/UT match...he showed off his huge arms.
-the Undertaker came out...it took a while.
-in the ring, the UT stared at Vince and started to get into his face...all of the sudden...
-UT chokeslammed McMahon....(it really wasn't a huge sell...but still).
-UT was about to Tombstone Vince when..
-Kane ran in...they started to brawl deep into the seats...Patterson and Brisco came in to assist Vince when..
-Austin ran in and dropped Patterson and Brisco..then he tied Vince up in the ropes and was about to chair him when..
-Dude Love ran in with his own chair. Austin saw him, turned around and whacked him with his chair.
-The show ended with Austin on the ramp, pointing and yelling at Vince and the boys.
I told you I wasn't joking! I am SO out of it that I could barely get through this. (Keep in mind..if I listened to all those hate letters that I post, this is what you would end up with anyway). I guess what you are wondering is..."What the Hell is he going to do with the Nitro Recap? Well, I got something very special planned...go check it out.
Chris Hyatte