Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of the May 29 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte Okay, so Vince Russo is STUNNED that it's taking more than just his talent to get the Internet to worship WCW. I mean really, how many times does he have to explain to us just how superior WCW is to that unoriginal WWF crap??? He just can't handle the negativity anymore. Well Vince, please allow me to explain: Remember "Moonlighting"? The show that was so good, so wild, so COOL? Remember how everyone talked about the show on the next day? Then Cybill and Bruce "did it"? Then their egos swelled up and they grew to hate each other? Then the Writers went on strike and they tossed out rerun after rerun after rerun? Well, with all that, it didn't take them long to "jump the shark" and become yesterdays news. Remember then how both Bruce and Cybill went on a HUGE promotional tour to announce that the Writing was BACK to it's previous quality? How they were BACK to basics? How they are doing GREAT shows again? Well, maybe the shows WERE back, maybe the Writing WAS quality again! Maybe they WERE back to basics! They jumped the shark and the fans didn't come back. It was so bad that ABC put the final "Goodbye" episode directly against the final "Family Ties" episode. I hate to say it, but WCW jumped the shark right around the time Nash fell to the mat and allowed Hogan to pin him. Or maybe it was when Master P threw the cake in Hennig's face? Either way, once you jumped the shark, it's awfully tough to get back to the other side of the water. We've seen too many "rerun" finishers, swelled egos refusing to job, and shoddy writing to be so eager to accept the "New" WCW so soon. To put it another way, WCW had it's "Clone Saga" already. Vince Russo has to give the fans time to see if he's gonna save the company, or if he's going to "Byrne" out. Welcome to the other lawn Vince. How green is this grass? I just realized that this would have made a KILLER opener for my returning "And Another Thing". Now I have to think up a brand new subject. Anyway, onward and downward... NITRO: (or: How about a FLAT chested girl for once?) -WCW symbol. Proud champion of Polygamy, but only for this week. -Footage from "Thunder". THIS show jumped since day 1. Let's hope SFX gives it a speedy execution. -opens with the arrival of a Limousine. Ric Flair leaps out before it even stops. What's his problem? -Oh, his wife is with him... asked and answered. It's a LOOONG ride from Charlotte... or Greensboro... or which ever Country Bumblefudge town in North Carolina Flair lives. -Flair's wife tries to step out too. Ric tells her to stay there. "CAN'T I GET A MOMENT OF PEACE????" -Reid Flair is there too. HE tells his Moms to mind her manners and obey Daddy. This is NO way to treat a member of the Opposite, yet Superior Sex! I would NEVER treat MY woman like that!! -Of course, I wouldn't attempt a cross country limo ride with her either. After about two days I'd be picking up EVERY Hitchhiker, praying that one of has an Axe handy. -The INSTANT Flair is off camera... B & R Security appear and RIP Mrs. Flair and Reid out of the Limousine. They fight. They are used to obeying Ric's every word down to the letter. The Driver is executed on site. Russo ain't F-ing around. -Russo is there to welcome them to Salt Lake City. He is wearing a sleeveless shirt, because he is just so damned BUFFED! If you look at it, grabbing these two even though Flair HAS TO BE WELL within earshot is just so damned silly. Couldn't they wait TEN SECONDS? -no, silly. -Opening theme. -Tony Schiavone welcomes us to Salt Lake City, Utah! Home of the most rigid Religious sect of them all, AND Home of Legal Multiple Marriages. The mind boggles at the utter contradiction. -The Mormons own SLC. The Mormons are also known as "The Church of Jesus Christ and Ladder Day Saints". Why the HELL do we have a Holiday that celebrates Ladders and why is there a religious attachment to it? -This is the "E Center". It's a wonder Utah even ALLOWED a cable channel that specializes in stuff like Howard Stern and "Wild on the Beach" to buy it's own arena! -The Great American Bash is on the shorter half of two weeks away. Tony tries desperately to jack up those piss poor buy rates by reminding us that "IT'S A NEW ERA AT WCW!!!! BISCHOFF AND RUSSO HAVE NEVER BEEN BETTER!!!!" (yes, that's what Bruce and Cybill said too... they were wrong... so wrong) -Tony announces that Dennis Dugan has just signed a deal with WCW, (MY GOD!!!! IT'S SCARY HOW RIGHT ON THE NOSE I AM!!!!!) -You MAY get that one, you may not... I doubt you're even reading. -Kevin Nash comes out. Signs a'plenty saying that "WE ARE NOT MORMONS!!" (oh yeah? Then WHY DO YOU TAKE LADDER DAY OFF????) -Kevin Nash is the WCW heavyweight champion. He looks as thrilled as anyone would with that piece of tin lately. He is also wearing a shirt that says "FUNB". I used to wear one of those! But I was FORCED to wear it... in Prison... my "Massa" made me wear it... and it had nothing to do with "New Blood". To me, "FUNB" will forever mean "Forever Under Nubian Balls"... my God... the horror... the horror. -To be fair, I'm SURE Nash THOUGHT it was a "FUBU" shirt he was wearing... but ol' Grampa Kevin's eyes ain't what they used to be. -Nash enters the ring and grabs a mic. He'll either start off by saying, "You knowww..." or "First off..." -BUT FIRST... Scott "Big Poppa White Thunder Pump" Steiner comes out with his Hoo... his Hoo... his lovely ladies. Steiner's too damn stupid to be bigger than Austin, as Ryder and Russo seems to have already christened him. It's almost as if they are working under the theory, "If you keep saying it over and over again, it may very well become true by default." -Scotty gives his women to Nash for inspection. Kevin checks their teeth. When did we regress back to the Stone Age? -Nash hops on the mic and says, "First off... (YESSSSS)". He thanks Steiner for bailing his ass out on Thunder. (and I'd like to thank my remote control for bailing ME out on Thunder!). -He said that even though B ‘n R were able to do damage to many of the "Millionaire" kids, they damn sure ain't scoring points off HIM. In fact, he pulled a few tricks out of his ass by getting Steiner to pony up beside him. -He said that he would like to throttle Russo and Bischoff... and not in a homosexual sense either. Steiner would like to do the same. Then he referenced Scott Hall by saying that Hall was getting healthier each day, and one day he'd LOVE to show up and choke someone too, (anyone else see the Heel turn coming from miles away?). -Nash points out that these Legends are legends because they have seen, heard, and dealt with it all before all ready (I doubt anyone was prepared for the Arquette fiasco... and may we call it an official "fiasco" now?) -Nash laughs at these puny human attempts to kill a Legend (well, they did a good job killing Bret, now didn't they?), and brought out a true "Legend". -Out comes Ric Flair, who hugs Nash and Steiner. I heard him say to Nash, "Eh, Arn needed to be parodied anyway." Naturally, we have all forgotten how Steiner came out and completely scared Flair spitless on the first show of the new era. -Flair grabbed the mic and told Russo that he simply HAD to be crapping his Knickers because the Three guys in the ring not only represent a problem for HIM, the represent a problem for the WORLD!!! (hmm... Flair can be Ole, Nash is Flair, Steiner is Arn, throw someone crafty in there... DOUGLAS as Blanchard!!! Yeah, you have quite a respectable Horsemen Unit for 2K). -Flair said that only the Heavens know why his career was at such a "high" two weeks ago, but then he went down to "unknown medical reasons" (Robert Downey Jr.'s in jail for the same exact thing). Flair promised to put a stop to such nonsense. -Then he told David that he's on his own now. There is no Arn to help him, (to which, Nash shouted, "YOU CAN'T HAVE MY LIVER SPOTS AND THE BEER IS SPOKEN FOR!!") -Ric said that at the GAB, David's career will quietly end. Then he got rambling... -"Russo... you tried to bury me... last week... bury me? Forget it pal... when I die, WHOOO... they'll bury me quick... spread a bucket of honey around... WHOOO... You got it? Tonight... some way... some how... I'm gonna find you... and drag your skinny little New York ass out here and stomp it through the mat... WHOOO... in Salt Lake City...WHOOO" (Good Lord, he is one step away from drooling all over himself) -Nash then steps COMPLETELY out of character and gives the belt over to Flair because Big Sexy doesn't like losing titles by the normal means, like being pinned after a long, hard battle. Come to think of it, it's PERFECTLY in character. -The three men punch each other in the fists. Nobody sells a single shot. Welcome to WCW. -Jeff Jarrett comes out, presumably to sell that "Slap Nuts" phrase. He asks if he was on the wrong set and if this was really "The View"? (You know, I really find Meredith Viera HOT!) Then called these three a bunch of WOMEN!! (Well, Flair has the boobs for it) -Jarrett uses the word "patheticness"... is he SERIOUS? -No, I used Spell Check AND the Thesaurus... that ain't no word. -Jeff says that it's those three against the World, and he's got the World winning by a Continent. He also has some messages from Russo... -To Nash, he's got a handicapped match against Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner. (gee wonder how THAT will end?) and if Steiner should make trouble, both of them will be cleaning Russo's toilets next week. -Steiner grabs the mic and says that he likes to abuse women and have bleached blonde men kiss his ass (Hmmph! Who knew he was a fag?). He invited Jarrett to come on down and dig in. -naturally, WCW censored everything but the word "ass". After hearing Kid Rock use the F word, that seems kind of silly. -Jarrett refused, BUT offered to "screw Slapass Steiner" (WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???). Then he told Flair that he has to defend his title against him tonight. -Flair, feeling brave surrounded by such manhood, announced that he's the champ and he doesn't have to work if he doesn't want to. He also said "whoo". -Vince Russo comes out. He gets on the mic and reminds Flair that HE (Russo) warned HIM (Flair) that the next time HE (Flair) steps into HIS (Russo's) HOUSE (E Center... Salt Lake City... Utah) again, HE (Flair) will wish HE (Flair) had a brain aneurysm. -RUSSO (he) reminded FLAIR (him) that RUSSO (he) will always stay once step ahead of FLAIR (him). Then said "Isn't that right DAVID (err... you??)?" -David Flair comes out with his Stepmother under one arm and his Stepbrother under the other. Flair runs out, screaming, "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE GODDAM CAR????" R & B Security run out to block Flair's way. Nash and Steiner join Flair... they know that the bitch simply has GOT to learn. -Backstage, outside really... Vampiro shows up in a big Gasoline truck. Now they are offering Free fill ups to the crowd? BRILLANT!!! -commercials. -backstage, Reid and Mrs. Flair (who is dressed rather provocatively, really!) are being held HOSTAGE by Russo and co. -Backstage (2) Flair is frantically searching for them before Russo ties them to a railroad track and starts twisting his mustache. -1-800-Collect is responsible for this. -The Announcers smile pretty for the camera, if you want to call the made-for-radio look on Madden's face a "smile". Some might call it a "stifled belch". -BIG sign right behind them with the old standby, "I'D RATHER BE AT RAW". You can practically hear the guys in the Control Truck groan in unison... it's almost a tradition now. -Madden tries to justify the Kidnapping. It's the humorless version of Chris Rock saying that he doesn't CONDONE OJ killing his wife... but he "understands". -The Flimsy Animals come out. Konan can die, Rey can put his mask back on, Juventud can get lynched by announcing that the Jews have come back to Salt Lake City, and Disco... well DINF is still okay in my book. So long as Konan DIES!!! -DINF is wearing a Scottie Pippen "Trailblazer" jersey. For a second there... I thought Pippen was that "big surprise" everyone's talking about. -You KNOW it's going to be LAME... whatever it is. Right now, unless Austin, Maivia, Helmsley, Heyman, ‘Taker, or Vinnie Mac himself walks into a Nitro ring and announces that he's fed up with his own company... anything else is going to be anti-climatic. -DINF gets on the mic and asks where are his "dogs"? Konan tells him that the proper phrasing is "Where my dogs at?" Where is my fast forward button "at"? -The Misfits come out. Major Loco runs down the ramp and dives over the top rope and into DINF. It's a One on Juan affair. -Major Gunns shows up too. You can NOT have too many fake boobs. -after a few minutes, where we see that this match may or may not be an official "Lumberjack Match" (we'll never know for sure, thanks to WCW's Officiating being as relaxed as Tommy Tunes' bunghole). Either way, Misfits and Animals do the gang up thing every chance they get. -Back in the ring, DINF took a Cobra Clutch (dammit, the Million Dollar Dream just never got it's shot to take off!) and used to it whip Chavo with a Russian Legsweep... any guesses as to WHY it's a RUSSIAN legsweep? -DINF misses a top rope forearm drop. Tony says that DINF is "no more a filthy animal than Madden is". In other words, only MEXICANS ARE FILTHY ANIMALS!!! IS THAT THE SCORE TONY??? IS IT??? IS IT???? -I'd post his e-mail address do all my Amigos can give him "Diablo"... but he has eliminated it. You can always write to him c/o WCW at CNN Center in Atlanta. -Loco makes a comeback, DINF goes outside, DINF goes back inside, LOCO goes outside there's yer pile up. -Rey Mysterio has DINF on his belly with his face resting against the corner turnbuckle. He gets ready for the Bronco Buster. Preparation apparently involved bouncing his hand up and down in front of his crotch. I refuse to believe that this little effeminate man has a large wad. -Major Gunns steps into the ring and wiggles in front of Rey. Rey starts UNBUCKLING HIS PANTS!!!!! MY GOD ALLMIGHTY ARE THEY THAT DESPERATE FOR RATINGS???? (well Du-uh) -Gunns takes off her tank top to reveal a Bra. Rey acts like he's never seen that before. In other words, Rey acts like he writes for Wrestleline. -Gunns kicks Rey in the crotch. Rey goes down. Madden says that Gunns just sank his battleship. Tony applauds the line... it's allowable, Nitro has so few lines TO applaud. -DINF took the cue and rolled back into the ri9ng and rolled right into a Tornado DDT. Loco wins. -Suddenly, Tigress runs out and attacks Gunns because Rey is her woman... or something like that. You get the feeling that Russo is fresh out of ideas so he's just piling on the chicks? -ENOUGH WITH THE BABES!!!! JESUS!!! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE G.L.O.W RE-INSTATED!! -Pamela Poundcake interviews Vampiro. Vamp asks if she can "smell that". She says no. Vamp asks again, she says no again. Vamp turns around, jumps up, and farts in her face. Pamela says, "Daddy?" -Vamp says that only "sinners will burn in Hell", (not if you give yourself to God seconds before you die!!! You can rape, murder, pillage, burn, and desecrate for the next 30 years... so long as you find Jesus right before you die!! GOD BLESS LOOPHOLES!!!!) -This interview turns into a battle between Chronic and Horace, which turns into Palumbo and Stasiak attacking Chronic, which results in Schiavone expending WAAAAY to much enthusiasm towards this. Segments blend in flawlessly yet they are STILL ignored come Emmy time (andratingstime). -Backstage. Miss Handcock was busy walking. Madden said, "Snootchie Bootchies", I'm sure if Kevin Smith heard about this thievery, he would have a woefully ironic, multi-word response. -commercials -Miss Handcock comes out. Behold... the most unremarkable face on television. Thank the Bloody Queen Mum for those legs. -She has a mic and says that she is well aware that we know she is a "stick in the mud" (is that a reference to her periods?). However, she is there to prove once and for all that she knows how to let her hair down and have a good time!! (didn't she do that last Autumn?) -She asked for her music... which is the Nitro Girls music. When that played she let her hair down and started to dance. Madden said "double Snootchie Bootchies". He can't even define the phrase, I bet. -She was in mid-strip. Tony declared that her legs simply did not stop. (The Natural Laws of Physics would disagree). She barely got going when suddenly... -Chris Candido marches out alone. -Backstage, David Flair tells Russo that he has to get involved, Reid says "damn". Russo yells at him and his Mother. -Candido has a mic and yells that none of these broads cares one bit about this business, except for one... who is just about fresh out of chances, from what I hear. Candido says that since Miss Handcock turned down a legitimate business offer last week, she had now better quit sticking her ass in his spotlight, or next time... he won't be so nice. With that, he grabbed her by the hair and yanked her down. -David Flair runs out and attacks Candido. Candido rebounds and tears him up. Pop Flair is out, bypasses Candido and goes right for the Kid. R & B Security is out. Flair chases his kid. The Announcers are just as amazed as everyone else who is wondering how this snot rag gets to bang those legs? -We are shown that Kimberly has shown up. Whooping fans show that she is a big star now. -We got to pre-footage from Marietta, Georgia. (Who would ever want to marry a girl named "Etta"?) Kimberly is on the phone with Eric and tells him that she is busy having someone pack up all of Page's belongings and getting them OUT of the mansion. -Kimberly, "What am I WEARING now?" (oy F-ing vey) -Either a yokel in the audience, or Eric over the phone yells "TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!!" -Is that an MTV title belt on the mantle? Is it for the time Raven beaded him on the noggin' with a Stop sign in front of a giggling David Grohl? Or for the time we got to watch WCW stars glare at each other for 3 hours in the rain as they played Videos? -Donny Osmond is in the house. Tony has the audacity to be excited. (gotta take what they can get at this point) -Karl Malone is also in the house. Which makes more sense. -HOWEVER... the burning question IS... why would Karl "Rogaine Really Works And Here's The Proof" Malone shave his head completely bald? IS THERE SOMETHING WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE MIRACLE BALDNESS CURE?????? -Booker T comes out in sleeveless Army fatigues and camouflage face paint. (What? he wasn't dark ENOUGH???) -Booker T is now called "GI Bro". - - - -My God in Heaven... why? -Oh, he has an answer. He gets on the mic and says that "everyone's been AXING me..." (*GASP* AND YET HE LIVES???? IS HE SUPERMAN???????? IS HIS SKIN INPENATRABLE???) -So, why has he gone BACK to "GI Bro" (Back?? Am I the only one who had no clue he was called this before?)? Well, when he first broke into the biz, some Promoter (who obviously was found of White Sheets and Lawn Jockeys) thought it would be nifty to gimmick him as an Soldier with a 70's Blaxploitation name (Let me guess... "A Real American MoFo?" With a Kung Fu grip?). So, he figured why not try it again? -It just hit me... this is Russo doing that "Dude Love" gimmick all over again! -GI Bro... (it would NOT shock me if Faarooq's head explodes sometime this week) said that Sean Stasiak is going to pay for something or another in a GAB "Bootcamp Match". The winner gets to shoot himself in the head after the match while Matthew Modine watches. -Third of all, (although he technically didn't specify "first" and "second of all", which is sheer Hell for Anal Retentive folks like me), Mike Awesome has some payback coming too. And for those who don't buy THAT line... allow him to offer video proof. -Footage of Mike Awesome from an April Thunder giving Booker Bro a running powerbomb that ends with Booker's head bouncing off the bottom corner pad. This Awesome is going to KILL somebody! -GI Bro orders Awesome out there right now so he can take him out of the game "once and for all". -Awesome backs into the arena in an Ambulance. Tony uses the time it takes Awesome to get moving to the ring to ask why David Flair would "betray" Daffney by getting involved with Miss Handcock like that "in front of the World"? (Still hanging on to THAT Fish tale, eh Tony?) -Awesome has that neck brace with him. Tony says that Awesome is bringing the "Halo" to the ring against "GI Bro". Will this match "blow"? All signs say "no". OWW... just stubbed my friggin "toe". Not that it has anything to do with the "show". The "show" called "Nitro". They got going. Awesome gets it going with a solid Powerbomb (or a "Powerbomb Type Maneuver"... according to Tony). He climbs the top rope and jumps off. Bro catches him with a dropkick. -Bouncing off the ropes, Bro leapfrogs over Awesome. Awesome couldn't get his ass low enough. Bro gets caught, almost. They recover as smoothly as they possibly can. -Hudson declares that Awesome just dropped a headbutt on Bro's face. Apparently, in Hudson's Universe, the Head is that joint that connects the Forearm to the Bicep and Tricep. -Madden calls Awesome, "the most impressive newcomer to WCW in... well, longer than he can remember." (Hey Fatass... GOLDBERG'S ONLY BEEN AROUND FOR TWO YEARS!!!!!) - -Bro mounted a comeback. Awesome took an "Ax Kick". Awesome responded by hitting Bro with that Halo which couldn't knock a Fly off it's course. -Awesome has GI Bro all set for a Powerbomb on the ramp. Hudson screams, "COME ON GI BRO!!! USE YOUR ELBOW AND FIGURE A WAY OUT OF THIS!!!!!" -Suddenly, "Diamond" Dallas Page comes out with a chair and hits Awesome across the back. Awesome eats a Double Powerbomb down the length of the ramp in relation to the floor at it's uppermost point, and onto a table. Of course, no Announcer on mic has ever witnessed such a brutal bump in the History of Sports Entertainment. Let's be fair... it was nasty). Then Page and Bro throw Awesome in the back of the Ambulance and slam the double doors. Bro won the Ambulance Match. This is the first time we are TOLD it was an Ambulance Match. -Has Awesome EVER won an Ambulance Match? Has Awesome ever WON? -Backstage, the "Main Event" and the "Perfect One" bicker over who will get Blackballed out of the sport first. Elizabeth is with them. They get a note slipped under their door. The Event reads it, it says "4:19". The door opens. Chronic walks in. Palumbo's back is towards them. Logically, Stasiak would be FACING them, but he chooses to wait until they start attacking Palumbo before charging. He does. It's a brouhaha. Elizabeth takes the opportunity to get out of there. She does. -Backstage, Bischoff, Miller, Kidman, Torrie, Horace, and Kimberly are all smiles. Eric suggests to Miller that he beat up Donny Osmond. I can think of worse assignments. As the Bischoff portion of the show begins... -Hogan pulls up in his Toranado? He's ready for business. -The Goldberg Monster truck pulls up next to him. This elicits a "WHOOOA" out of Hudson. -A Corvette pulls up next to the Monster Truck... I GUESS it's a "Vette". I'm sorry... I used Auto Shop as an excuse to smoke dope before Detention. -Goldberg steps out of the car and marches into the building. Hogan likes what he sees. Tony blows a gasket. -commercials -Ric Flair has had nearly an hour to find his Family and has nothing to show for it. -David Flair is busy walking with Miss Handcock. The question is not "Why", the question is "How"? -Goldberg and Scott Steiner are on the cover of "Sports Illustrated for Kids". Take a wild frickin' guess as to what media conglomerate OWNS the Sports Illustrated franchise? -"SI 4Kids" apparently is going to FINALLY answer the question, "Is this crap real or fake?" Tony attempts to appease everyone by saying that this "Sports Entertainment" is DEFINITELY real. It's a pathetic attempt from a man who is really very good at his job when he is LEFT ALONE!!!!!! -We are assured that Goldberg is in the building. Trust them when they say he used every SECOND of the 5 months he's been gone to get that scratch on his arm HEALED!!! -Eric Bischoff and his crew come out. Everyone takes their sweet ass time. -Torrie Wilson stops the whole show for about 2 seconds. That's impressive. -Torrie Wilson stays close to Kidman and Horace doesn't seem to notice and/or care. Selective Memory rears it's ugly head once again. -Eric Bischoff says that he loves us. Ernest Miller does a bit where he repeats the last three words of every Bischoff statement. Eric kills the gimmick before the entire audience dives for their remote controls. -Eric announces that Hulk Hogan no longer has the "guts to wear his red and yellow ever again", because he knows that Eric would "tear that outfit off his body as soon as he got close enough" (okaaaaay) -Eric also has a "parting gift" for Hogan... which is that special Guest Referee for Hogan's "final match" at the Great American Bash against Kidman. -It's made official that Horace will be the Guest Ref. Horace climbed to the second rope and pumped his arms out. Horace screamed, "RIGHT HERE BABY!!" Horace always looks like he just saw his dog get run over by a car. Horace was ignored by the fans. -Hulk Hogan comes out. He's got a mic too. He says that the Red and Yellow will NEVER die (aw f**k). He also says that he's gonna kick plenty o' asses in June, and in July he's going to be the WCW heavyweight champion. (He has YET to be wrong whenever he made that prediction, just so you know... I thought I would prepare you ahead of time) -Bischoff said that it will never happen. Hogan charged. -Meanwhile, Goldberg must have demanded Incentive perks for actually ENTERING the building, ("All my contract said was that I simply had to show UP. Nowhere does it say I have to ENTER the building!). Someone must have loaded up his trunk with shekels, because he's walking into the building. Goldberg sucks. -commercials -Kevin Nash is attacked by Tank and Steiner just as he steps out in front of crowd. Steiner produces a pipe wrench and hits him with it. Tony screams, "WHAT KIND OF MAN HITS ANOTHER MAN WITH A METAL PIPE WRENCH????" (Oh, but it's okay for Sting to play Tee ball on people's heads with a BASEBALL BAT????? A-HOLE??????) -Nash takes the beating. He knows this ain't his segment. -A small part of the crowd chants "GOLDBERG" (Mormons chanting for someone with "berg" in his last name??? Oh, they might be some heavy duty REPENTING going down this weekend!!!) Tony screams that this building is PUMPED TO THE MAX!!! -The beatdown continues for a bit... then -The music plays. Donny Osmond is seen smiling and applauding politely. Tony calls that a "freak out". -Goldberg comes out. Yes, yes, and yes... the pop is HUGE. -He runs out and Spears Steiner. He follows it with a Jackhammer, first making sure he is FACING the camera by physically swinging Steiner around. -There's the Jackhammer. Tank Abbott calmly walked away. Tank Abbott ain't no dummy. -GB offers a hand, then a hug to Nash. -GB gets on the mic and tells Abbott that he spent his time sitting at home listening to Tank run off at the mouth. Well, now he's back. -GB, "Tonight... the Slaughter BEGINS!!" (now THAT'S a good line!) He assured us that escape was no option. -Slaughter? Isn't that too kosher? -So, if Tank has the "Balls" (Oh the MOUTH on him... how DARE he call the WWF "smutty"), why don't he saddle up and agree to meet him next week in Atlanta? -His ass was NEXT. Tank didn't agree, but he DID stroke his beard and laugh. -Tony, "Goldberg has WALKED BACK INTO OUR LIVES!!!!! AND THE NEW BLOOD, THE MILLIONAIRE'S CLUB, ONE AND ALL, WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!!!!" (How can you stand BEHIND THIS GUY WHEN HE IS JAMMED DOWN YOUR THROATS SO FORCEFULLY????) -Footage of what just happened. You can bet it'll be repeated 30 times over the course of WCW programming for the week. I hear "Worldwide" will run the loop for an hour straight. -Tony called this akin to the 7th Game of the World Series. F-him. -Goldberg's an asshole -Goldberg's a douchebag -Goldberg's a prick -Before you disagree... keep in mind that he has: -A: Accused HHH of spreading Internet rumors about him. Then challenging him to a fight anywhere. -B: Trashed Mick Foley -C: Took my parody of him to heart and said that kids treated him like he was "God" -D: Refused to return to the company until he was quite sure that he couldn't be held responsible for not sparking the ratings. -E: made "Universal Soldier 2" -F: killed Jon Benet Ramsey. -That's your hero. Me, I'll pass. -commercials -Goldberg got in his car and tore ass out of there. Can't blame him, really. -backstage, Bischoff can't believe how much money Goldberg is costing the company. He also whined about how GB didn't have a Doctor's note or any sort of permission to be in the building. (Why don't they just say that Linda McMahon signed him?) -Tony and the boys are on camera. Tony doesn't think that GB needs ANY permission to go ANYWHERE. Hudson agrees. Madden refused to dis. -WCW Reload is up and READY!!!! No one cares. -Terry Funk comes out. We see how he dressed like Ralphus, sort of, and regain the Hardcore title from Shane Douglas, sort of. -Funk gets on the mic and says that Bischoff had a big surprise for him as to who he's fighting for the Hardcore belt tonight. Funk didn't care. In fact, he'll go backstage HIMSELF and meet this Mystery opponent head on!!! So long as he gets to "put his foot up Bischoff's BUTT!" (Who would've figured HE'D be the one to use clean words?) -Funk leaves and walks up the ramp. -Vampiro comes out. This is interesting. -Funk starts out quickly by Piledriving Champ on the ramp. Sharp. -Vamp kicks out and fights back. Ten years ago, he'd be spouting a gusher on his forehead and loaded into an ambulance. Ten years ago, he'd be wearing a Sombrero, a pancho, and a cheesy mustache. He would be a baby face. His name would be "Jorge Andelay!" He would spend a good two years feuding on the mid-card with Bob Orton. -Vamp powerbombs Funk on the ramp in response. Then he knocks down the Ref. He drags Terry Funk over to the place where the fireworks go off and yells for his Pyro. The Pyro goes off. Funk didn't get burned, but the intent was made clear. -They continued to fight all throughout the back. Vamp kicked around a few losers who happened to be within camera range. They went back and forth in that inevitable "Fight As We Travel" walk to their assigned location for the big finish. They stop at the Turner Control Truck, and make like they were about to go in and cause 50 cents worth of damage. -Finally, they make it to Vamp's gasoline truck. Vamp grabs the hose, gets it going, and drenches Funk down with it. (there is something so WRONG with this rampant waste of Petrol!!! WHAT IF A TAPE OF THIS MAKES IT'S WAY TO THE MIDDLE EAST AND THE ARABS DISCOVER WHAT WE AMERICAN SWINE DO WITH THEIR PRECIOUS FUEL?????) -Sting appears and puts a stop to this. He puts Vamp down and tends to Funk. -Vamp pops right back up, goes into the truck's cab, and pulls out a BLOWTORCH!!!! (is this SOP for EVERY gas truck?). Now WCW Security is out. Who else but DILLENGER gets hold of the Blowtorch? (Sort of like giving Aquaman a glass of water, isn't it?). Vamp walks away laughing at Sting. -Backstage, Flair is STILL looking for his family. -Backstage, Reid and Mother Flair are enduring mental, spiritual, and emotional trauma not seen since hours before Patty Hearst walked into a bank with her new friends! FIGHT THE POWWER REID!!!! FIGHT IT!!! -Oh yeah, Russo also broke the news to Shane Douglas that he's going to be stuck in a small cage with a Time Bomb. Shane was outraged until he found out that this was for the U.S. title. -commercials -Footage of DDP pulling up to his home in his Mercedes. He's on the phone with someone. I thought I heard him say, "Who cares if they dumped pee all over it? I wore it, didn't I?" -He gets off the phone and notices that all his belongings are on his front lawn. Although no bones can be seen, he seemed to have been consumed with the idea that there were "ribs" in the area. -He gets to the door. Kimberly opens it. They argue over who's home is it anyway? She had two cops with her who saw things her way. Page got the old "Good Cop/Bad Cop" routine. I've seen actual pigs that didn't have this much Ham. -Backstage, Mike Awesome is busy begging Kimberly to help him against Page. The Main Event shows up with a request too. I bet Kimberly can make you see God with that mouth. -We see how Elizabeth made trouble at Thunder. -Kimberly comes out with Awesome and Palumbo. Let's see what this is all about? -She gets on the mic and demands that Elizabeth comes out for some time consuming cat fighting. -Elizabeth comes out, wearing no makeup, yet her face seems shiny. Did they hire Randy again? -So, Liz comes out, announces that we are all sick of Kimberly. Then she holds out her arms so Awesome and Palumbo can hold her. -Kimberly grabs her from behind her head and lectures her. The tone of her voice has graduated to "Grating". -I've had enough. -So has Page. Awesome ends up flattened yet again. -Bischoff is out with a mic and has Page arrested for writing the most insipidity ass kissing autobiography in the History of the Printed form. According to Page's book... EVERYONE'S cool, NOBODY is a prick, and WRESTLING IS ONE BIG BUNGEE JUMP OF JOY!!! Throw away the friggin' KEY! -Take away the cops, add a Luger, take a way a Luger, add an Awesome, add a Karl Malone, take a way a Malone shirt... next thing you know, Awesome is STRILL out on his face, and if you went to take a leak, you would have wondered how Page got so black, so bald, so young, and so tall, so fast. -Steiner was ready for bad poems and even worse work. -commercials -Scott Steiner comes out. He rhymes a little about he won't stop until he plows through everything with two arms, two legs, two tits, and no brains. Sort of like him. -"All you got to do... is separate your hips and put your hips out... and the daddy... will make you pass out!" ARE THEY SERIOUS???? -Shane Douglas came out. The cage went down. Shaen Douglas submitted to the Recliner. The cage went up. You ALL know what time it is here in the last half of the column. -Sting and Hogan were enjoying a brief respite backstage. Hogan was back in his pajamas. -commercials -Sting came out to fight Kidman. Should be a gut buster. -Sting made Kidman SAIL over the top rope and crash on the ramp. Nice. -Sting did it again, only in reverse. eciN. -This was all Sting... at least 98%. -Torrie distracted, Vampiro showed up. Sting kissed the Blowtorch. Kidman pinned him. I'll never give the night to RAW again if Kidman cleanly pins GOLDBERG!! -Sting was about to burn when Hulk Hogan jogged out. (RUN!!! YOU LAZY BASTARD!!!) -Hogan entered and did what he did best. -Bischoff ran out and chaired him from behind. Hogan no sold it. -Hogan took the chair. Miller drove it into his face with his foot. -Now it was New Blood again. Vamp, Kid, and Bisch burned the Red and Yellow in a trash can. Someone mind explaining to me why this is such a big hooha? -Chronic ran in. You can piece the rest together. -Flair and Jarrett was next. -commercials -Jeff Jarrett comes out. Tony reminds us that they are in overtime but they won't leave us at this critical point in WCW *yawn* history. I'm cool, just so long as they never go to 3 hours ever again. -David Flair is the Guest Referee. -Ric Flair comes out. Here's a change... he's in WRESTLING GEAR!!! -Let's get going... -Thank you... -They exchange chops and punches in two opposite corners. Flair starts getting the upper hand. -Russo comes out with R & B Security and Flair's Family. Flair charges. Jarrett chases and catches him. -It gets back into the ring. It's all Jarrett. -Flair starts to juice. He still makes a comeback. -David tries to hit Pop with the Statue of Liberty. Pop grabs the Statue and hits Son instead. Didn't Cat Stevens dedicate a whole song to this? -Russo uses a bat on Jarrett... well, not Jarrett, the other one -Jarrett puts Flair in the figure four, -Chuck Robinson is out to assume Ref duty. -Yadda, yadda, yadda.... -After a solid 5 minutes, Russo rips the Ref shirt off Robinson, puts it on. He hits the ring. Flair drops him and goes for the Figure Four. As soon as he spins around, Jarrett cranks him with the Guitar. Ric goes down. Jarrett lays on him. Russo makes the count. Jarrett regains the belt. -The Fans pile on MASSIVE debris. Several times, Jarrett gets beaned. God Bless them, nobody hussled out of there faster than scripted. In fact, Jarrett hung around a celebrated. -Shot of a shirtless Charles Robinson cradling Flairs bleeding head in his arms. If Charles was black, and Ric was bleeding from his rectum... it would pretty much be every night of my 9 months in Prison. It wasn't bad once I... "relaxed". -The show ends. I was hard on Nitro because I resent the Goldberg push and Russo's dismay that we are not bending over and accepting him. Plus, he isn't up to the quality he was running at in Titan. Not yet at least. Raw wins. Finally, because a LOT of people have been asking for suggestions... let's do a couple of: SIGN IDEAS!!!! "I MISS SULLIVAN" "WHERE'S DILLON?" "I THOUGHT ERIC HAD BLACK HAIR?" "BRING BACK THE GOLFER" "BUTTON THAT SHIRT, ROCKY!" "WHERE'S GLACIER?" "AUSTIN WEIGHS 316 NOW" "A POX ON THEE" "WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?" "DONDE ESTA LA CHICAS BLANCA?" "WHO MISSES KANYON?" "NOBODY" "HBK'S LAZY!!!" "NO LIMIT YOUR ASS" "RUSSO LOST IT" "WHO ASKED FOR RELAXED RULES?" "BURN TBS'S CONTRACT" "WHO BURNED THE FISH IN HERE?" "BRING BACK RIKKI RACTMAN" "I WANT A REFUND" "WAKE ME WHEN RAW STARTS" "DOESN'T TUESDAY NITRO HAVE A NICE RING TO IT?" "STING FORGOT WHERE THE WEIGHT ROOM IS" "HAIL SATAN". And on that note... This is Hyatte.