Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the May 29 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte Hello I'm Chris and this is El Mopucto. Let's dispense with the pleasantries and jump right into some opening notes. Right off the bat, if there is ANYONE OUT THERE WHO IS KNOWLEDGABLE IN OLD GREEK THEATER... PLEASE CONTACT ME. I have some questions I need to have answered. I have decided, FINALLY, decided that 1Wrestling.com is the BEST DAMN SITE ON THE WEB!!! It is my absolute FAVORITE by which ALL SITES ARE MEASURED!! Why? Oh no... not for the news. Not for the first ratings report, NOT for that pain-in-the-ass Lotto ad that appears with ever page of the Lariat... and no, not because Dave adds on a last, Hit Increasing, page with virtually no information, just a plea to click on their sponsors. Oh no. I love the site because not a week goes by without SOMETHING in there cracks me up to no end due to the sheer pomposity and arrogance. of it's writers. Case in point: The Pillman Show. Last week, they held a fundraising event which, ironically enough, "raised funds" for the families of Brian Pillman and that Ref guy. Stars from all three companies were there. Although they wasn't any crossover matches, rivalries were shoved aside and everyone just got along (No one with any common sense should assume that just because their Bosses want each other dead, the workers would feel the same). Dave Scherer seemed to have some sort of "epiphany" from this and decided to comment on this "One Big Buffed Up Family" atmosphere in his Lariat last week. Here are some excerpts from a little thing that I will hereby christen and PRAY it catches on as... DAVE SCHERER'S CRY FOR PEACE! "WCW will attack the WWF. The WWF will attack WCW. ECW will rip WCW. WCW will tear into ECW. XPW will rip ECW. Certain sheetwriters will attack other sheetwriters. Internet personalities will continue to rip into the companies, constantly dwelling on the negatives that they see while rarely mentioning the positives. They will also tear into each other. People will go from praising the legitimately wonderful event that took place the last two days, and the people they paid tribute to, and go back to attacking and tearing into those that they despise, for both real and perceived reasons, in the wrestling business, and in some cases continue to do personal harm to themselves. I think that most of us that follow it as intently as we do love the business. We didn't start watching wrestling every Saturday morning or every Monday night so that we could tear the business down, ridicule those involved in it, or show our arse to the world by being "childishly negative" instead of "constructively critical". I think most of the workers got in it because they love it too. I would venture to say that most of the executives feel the same way. The big companies may see it differently from the fans, but still, it never ceases to amaze me that they don't realize that by polarizing the fans to "like us and hate them", in the long run they are only hurting themselves. They don't realize that like the yin and the yang, when things cycle they have alienated people from the business. To me, last night's event was a wonderful example of what can be good about the wrestling business. It's an example I would like to see followed more often." There you have it. Beautiful, ain't it? (clapclapclapclapBRAVOclapclapclapclap) Of course, just this past Monday, Dave ripped a certain "Printed Sheetwriter" a new one for reporting that Styles and Heyman sometimes didn't get along. Spent a whole page explaining why this guy was a moron, over something as pointless as that. And when my old place reports a rumor, guess who's first in line to take shots? And hasn't "Notes from Bob" basically become a "like us and hate them" column all to itself? And what about Madden's work? Certainly, if you followed Madden's words to the letter you would never flip to RAW again? And that, my friends, is why I find this site endlessly entertaining. Speaking of the Pillman show, it also featured "Web Representatives" from most of the big sites. Isaacs was there, as was Dicky "Big Star" Scaia. Everyone who was there filed a report filled with match results and whatever sound bites they could get. You see, if I was there, I'd go around interviewing the Web reporters. I mean, I already read Raven saying "No Comment" about his ECW situation on about 3 different sites... I don't CARE to hear how Shane Douglas flashed the Triple Threat sign in photos. If I was there, I would assume that the Talent interviews would be readily available all over the place and try something different. I'd LOVE to know what Al really thinks of his top writer jumping sites. I'd LOVE to ask Scaia why he's such an ass. Why ask the wrestlers the same dumb questions every other interviewer just asked them 5 minutes ago when you can ask these Web people all sorts of stuff that the readers would find fascinating? Alas, I'm the only one who thinks these things because I'm the only one with any originality... alas. Anyway, Vince Russo announced on that WCW Internet show that nobody listens to, (they just wait for Dave to post it, like I do) that he is so fed up with Internet bias that the only sites he reads is the main sites for WCW and WWF, as well as 1Wrestling. If you choose to believe that, fine. I don't... not for a second... but it's not the point here. The point is that at the top of the Nitro recap, I'll explain WHY WCW is still getting crapped on by the Internet fans, even though The World Has Changed and Everything's Different (haven't seen those t-shirts on the market yet.). It's quite simple, really. Also, the closer will NOT be that short story thing. Just keep your pants on, I'll get to it when I'm damn good and ready. FINALLY... I think I have found a place for my "And Another Thing" column. So, very soon I will be able to show EVERYONE how a straight column SHOULD be done... just like I showed everyone how to recap. It'll be nice deviating from form and doing a serious weekly column again. And that's it. I am fresh out of opening notes for another week. Time to gather around the old campfire and molest the Cub Scout known as Monday Night Wrestling. Once again it's time to giggle, guffaw, and chortle at the antics of these grown, sweaty men in spandex who, much like Britney Spears (I'M NOT THAT INNOCENT), we enjoy... but are so damned ashamed of admitting in public (I tell my girlfriend that I get paid for doing this at least... I'm not proud of lying to her so early in this blossoming love, but it's a small lie). Once again, it's time for me personally to carefully craft epic novels of entertainment using only my brains, my Id, and my First grade level sentence structuring ability. The brakelines have been cut, the airbags have been deflated, and the oil hasn't been changed since the 90's. Put the pedal to the metal kids, and aim for the trees... because the recap is happening... RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! RAW IS WAR: (or: Where are that kid's parents?) -opens with the ending to "Walker: Texas Ranger". Want a scary thought? If the WWF DOES bail out on USA and head for a CBS cable station, then these "Walker" repeats will be the only thing keeping USA afloat! If you know someone who works at USA, advise them to update their resumes. -WWF: One World. -clips from last week offer definitive PROOF that the Undertaker is BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!!! Well, he's back... not really sure if he's improved his style yet... so we can't really conclude that he's "better", much less "better then ever"... in fact, chances are he hasn't improved one bit and in fact, is a bit poff his game due to his obvious weight gain. Oh Lord, let's admit it... HE SUCKED THEN AND HE SUCKS EVEN WORSE NOW!!!!!!! -STILL, his return is better than that Goldberg idiot. You never heard UT challenge ANYONE in WCW to a match EVER. Can I wish AIDS on him yet? (Editor's note: No. Unleash the Llamas!) [Actual Ed's Note: Please don't fake anymore Ed's notes.] -opening theme. Footage of the old "Dead" Undertaker has been replaced with footage from the new "Biker" Undertaker. Ken Shamrock's brief flash has been taken out too. Ken, oh Ken... we hardly knew ye. -Billy Gunn's image has been taken off too. No Foley stuff either. Somewhere in Hollywood, Barry Blaustein is crying... but that might be because he gave Jake Roberts his ATM password and... well let's just say Jake's heart isn't beating fast because he was just out jogging. -Jim Ross matches the fury of the crowd by bellowing that "Judgment Day" found us ALL facing a Thumb that was pointing South. I blame those mouthy Baptists. They're always praying for something trivial. -They are in Vancouver, Canada. I can't think of a more desolate sounding name than "Vancouver". You just KNOW that in the Summertime, temperatures reach a balmy 35 degrees. -Kicking things off quickly, the Undertaker rolls out on his snazzy "Titan Bike". Ross calls anyone who rides a Harley a "punk ass bitch". I wonder if they'll keep using "American Badass" as his theme should Kid Rock's CD flop out? -We are reminded that the Undertaker is being brought to us by "The History of Rock", a new CD by resident American wigger Kid Rock. Kid Rock: Skinny, fugly white boy who bangs more UnGodly beautiful women with big gazumbos than you. Now reach for the gun and let's all end it together. -Lots of questions as to why the UT ditched the "Dead" gimmick for a more "DOA"ish persona. The answer, of course, is that his former gimmick was a holdover from the overblown cartoon company that was the early 90's. They didn't want a change... dammit they NEEDED to change! -Ross calls the Undertaker, "The NASTIEST Human being to ever step foot in the WWF." Funny, I thought Sensational Sherry had that honor? -Say, if Napster allowed people to trade "American Badass", would Metallica consider that a personal theft too? -Say, doesn't Metallica make MORE than enough money from touring to worry about Napster? Or are these "Heavy Metal rebels" truly the Capitalistic Swine they claim to rebel against? DO THEY WERE SUITS UNDERNEATH THE LEATHER??????? -Say (part two), isn't trading Wrestling tapes basically the same thing that Napster does? Even though the Napster kid is a Millionaire and these tape traders still live with their parents? -Undertaker hits the ring. Ross makes a big fuss about how, much like the song, he IS an "American Badass". (So, wouldn't logic dictate that the Canadian fans BOO him? After all, the Canucks hate us Americans anyway. They resent us for being the greatest Country in the world who protect their asses on a daily basis from other Countries who would LOVE to take over and establish a beachhead right on top of us. WE OWN YOUR ASSES, YOU BALLESS DOUCHEBAGS!!!! -Tom Green is Canadian and he had to LOSE a nut because his system couldn't handle having two. Don't believe that Cancer crap. HIS BODY HAD TO EXPEL IT BECAUSE CANADIANS CAN'T HACK HAVING A PAIR!!!!!!!! -I saw that special. I loved the part where they cut him open and yanked out his guts. I decided that Tom Green is overrated. I decided this after the scene where he said "Tubing" 100 times. -They WOULD have brought out a legit "Canadian Badass", but A: Try to find one, and B: Alanis wouldn't give out the rights to "Hand in My Pocket". -To wrap up this off-topic tangent, the irony of my life is that I am now on a site run by Canadians. I try not to think about it. -Anywhoo... UT hits the ring and gets ready to say something when... -HH and aided/abetted by H comes out with the entire "faction" crew. X-Pac's wearing a tres femmy denim Overall usually reserved for Sheep-loving farmers and Portuguese girls with fat asses working the Nightclub scene. Stephanie is having one of her better days. Torrie, I SWEAR, she must have had work done on her... or she's on the juice... because she just looks so much better now. -The Fuction Group (bwahahaaa) makes their way halfway down the ring, then stops. It's a showdown at High Noon!!! (well, it's got to be High Noon SOMEWHERE) AND THE UT ONLY HAS ONE BULLET LEFT!!! -Triple H is enough has a mic and officially welcomes the Undertaker BACK to the company. Then asks what the Hell happened to that Urn? -The crowd weighs in with a chant of "ASSHOLE". Ross says aloud that even CANADA thinks the Regime are "assholes". You really think CBS will let them get away with this? -HHH was happy to have the "one true American Badass BACK in the World Wrestling Federation." (of course, Patterson would qualify, but he's Canadian. How can you NOT call Patterson's ass "bad? Look at all the mischief it gets into!) -Hunter busted cubes by thanking the UT for wrecking the Rock's title defense at JD and making him lose the belt. It's one of those speeches that will inevitably end with him yelling, -He ended it withOUT screaming "BECAUSE I AM THE GAME-AH!!!", (D'OH!!). Ross reacted to the thank you by asking just how "disingenuous this dissertation could be?" Oh, I disagree. I feel he displayed as disanthropic display of discernible discretion towards disgust and disrobed a discourse of disquestionable disdain for discrimination in the field of distant distaste for distinction. -UT hopped on the mic and spoke into it. He told HHH that he needed to thank him (ah, the curse of writing in the third person), for not coming down there and "kicking his ass". (Oh, I liked it when he said "stank ass") -UT has one thing that they DID need to get straight. That being that the Undertaker does not do ANYTHING for ANYBODY, other than for himself. (does that mean he's lousy in bed?) -UT continued. From this day forward, any chance he gets to "slap a nut on any of you assholes" (slap a nut? Haven't I heard that somewhere before?) well by God he's gonna take it. -Lawler says that the UT's mouth is "dirtier than a wicker toilet seat!" (huh?) -UT, "And there's one more thing there, Fancy Pants" (well, now we know who's writing the script here. Which member of the WWF team would take one look at HHH's tight jeans and call him "Fancy Pants"? Oh, take a wild guess.) -UT said that HHH's belt belongs to HIM. (well, that is until Bret Hart returns and reminds everyone that he never REALLY lost the belt... and believe me... he's coming back. IT'S ALL A WORK DAMMIT!!!!! IT'S ALL PART OF THE MASTER PLAN!!!!) -HHH got back on the mic and said that since he's been gone a while, it's perfectly understandable that the UT might not be familiar with the current hierarchy ("Death Valley" is NOT cable friendly, and the UHF reception is completely horrible). In THIS Era, if someone trash talks, they get a little tune up. -With that, the Regime begins surrounding the ring. Feel free to make any jokes about which side of the Undertaker, Mr. Patterson "ends" up. -DX starts climbing into the ring. IT'S GONNA BE A BLOO.... oh for Chrissakes... it's the same thing every week. It never changes. NITRO RULES!!!!!!! -The Rock comes out. He stalks around the entranceway because he's too much of a PUSSY to run down there! -Who should grab a mic but Vincent K. McMahon, who had the nerve to pose of "Entertainment Weekly's Ten Year Anniversary issue in the gaudiest Canary Yellow suit ever created. I've seen white trash lottery winners display more taste. -Vince figured it all out and called this an example of "The Buddy System", except for the fact that they weren't underwater and weren't sharing an oxygen tank. Meanwhile, it should be noted that Patterson was looking over the Titan Bike, one wonders why the notion of sitting on a huge hunk of steel would be so appealing to him? -Midway through his explanation as to how these two guys are helping each other, Vince tells the crowd to "SHUT UP". Seemed a little forced, quite frankly. -Vince finished by saying that "The Buddy System" damn near DESTROYED THE WWF FROM THE INSIDE LIKE NEVER BEFORE AND HE'LL BE DAMNED IF THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!!!! (To which, X-Pac went bright red and started whistling while twiddling his thumbs. HHH discreetly flashed the Wolfpack sign to the camera and muttered, "Having the IRS up your ass, a steroid scandal, and a horny Patterson promises pushes for blowjobs didn't help matters much either, you bastich!" ) -The Rock put the mic to his lips and said that this thing between him and the Undertaker is not a case of you scratch my back, I scratch yours! It's more along the lines of Shane scratches his ass, Triple H kisses your ass, and you sniff a Monkey's ass!!!" (Patterson hops up and down and screams, "WHAT ABOUT ME?? WHAT ASS DO I GET??) -Road Dogg was FURIOUS... everyone's ignoring him lately. -Rocky continued, saying that it's a "good day" whenever he gets his hands on Vince, HHH, X-Pac, and Road Dogg. but... "it becomes an even BETTER day when the Rock can make change out of that two dollar walking SLUT, STEPHANIE!!!" -Stephanie feigns hurt. Ross asks if that's two dollars in Canadian money? -Rocky told Vince that he will make strides in one day becoming WWF Champion again. (Just once, wouldn't it be cool if someone said, "Eh, keep the belt.") -Vince is back on the stick, pointing out that what we have here are two people with common enemies and common goals (Breaking out of this ridiculous business and making big movies? Banging all the groupies without the Wives finding out? Calling Bischoff and asking if there was anyway he could get them on Nitro like they did with Awesome? Crank Calling Patterson at home and asking, "What are you wearing?") -Vince said that since both these guys want the WWF belt, then they might as well fight each other tonight. Of course, he did it with much more fustianity. -Closeups on the Face's faces (oy). -Backstage, Kid Rock blows smoke in the camera and asks what we are looking at? He's got a beer in his hand. Joe C does a mini-rap. I get a contact high. If we are REALLY lucky, Kid'll reference porn stars in his song. Ross sells his love for Kid Rock about as much as Schiavone sold HIS love for Kiss, ("Yes folks, we love to Rock and Roll all night and party in the daytime!") -OOO, if we are VERY lucky, Eminem will come out during Kid Rock's performance and rap about how he ain't leaving this party until "the bitches start wiggling their titties". -commercials -moments ago, we see what we saw -Backstage, the Acolytes meet up with Joe C specifically to plug the release of "The History of Rock" which will be out tomorrow, (today... yesterday... ARRGH I have GOT to make a more concerted effort to get this crap out on Tuesdays again. I HAVE been trying... ask Trey). Bradshaw asks if he ever thought to try Country music. Farooq called him a "jive turkey". What I want to know is... if Joe C is there.. then where are the Pussycats? Are they still in Outer Space? (I think maybe half of you get that). -The Godfather comes out with Dean Malenko... who kept a reasonable distance from this circus... probably thinking, "Oh F&%$... what have I done?" -The Kat is with them too, wearing a Magenta wig. Lawler showed shock that the Kat would be considered a "H... Lady of the Evening" (I REFUSE to desecrate women like that... now that I have a better half again), Ross bit his tongue on any line he might have blurted out. -The Kat hits the ring and seemed to give Lawler some serious "F-Me" eyes. She's got no breasts. B-cups... small B's at that. -Big Sign that reads, "HO TRAIN: VANCOUVER'S FINEST". I'm sure any good looking girl from Vancouver has already climbed aboard the train heading straight for America. ALL THE BABES COME HERE!!!! BOOYAAA!!!!! -The GF extends his offer to get high with the crowd. Jeeze, whatever happened to getting high on God? Oh right... Canada... Godless Bastards... I almost forgot. -Ross guessed that "Dean is a Malenk-HO" now. Oh for GOD'S SAKE!!!!!! STOP THAT AND STOP THAT NOW!!!!! -D-Lo comes out with Perry Saturn and Terri Runnels. Anyone else shocked that they would put this match on during Nitro? -D-Lo gets thrown into the corner by Malenko, GF throws Malenko towards D-Lo, D-Lo ducks out, Malenko doesn't crash into the corner, he instead turns around and dropkicks D-Lo into the Godfather, who bodyslams him. The Godfather then gyrates around and around twice before dropping a leg on D-Lo. For some odd reason, I am now sexually aroused. -Ross mentions that D-Lo has been whining about his lack of "push", then says that perhaps D-Lo should look in the mirror every now and then. (Jeeze, paralyze ONE guy and you NEVER hear the end of it!) -After Saturn and D-Lo work over the Godfather a little bit, Terri gets tagged in. She gives GF a couple of slaps, then poses for the cameras with her fingers against the side of her head. Personally, I can think of better places to put them. -Of course, Terri stayed in this position long enough be labeled "uncomfortably awkward". The Kat, meanwhile, was tagged in. She snuck up beside Terri and gave her a Flying Bulldog. Terri crawled over and tagged Saturn. Saturn stepped in, the Kat tried to run, Saturn caught her by the waist and took a good look at her crack. I SWEAR he mumbled, "What is that? Lawler's ‘Royal Scepter'"? -Malenko ran in without being tagged. because WWF FANS DEMANDED RELAXED OFFICIATING AND THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE GONNA GET!!!!!! WE AIN'T RIPPING OFF JACK SQUAT!!!!!! -It turned into a donnybrook which ended with Saturn giving Malenko a NICE Top Rope Elbow splash and securing a victory for his team. Afterwards, Terri appeared to have hurt her jaw... thus wrecking any backstage "stroke" she'll have for a few weeks. -oh, that's not fair... she's probably a teetotaler with a young girl. I apologize for those references. It's unfair and callous of me. How dare I. -backstage... Edge and Christian arrange something with Kevin Kelly that will no doubt result in unbridled audience hilarity (yawn). Then they catch Joe C. and ask for a picture with him. Joe C. gives up his traditional (Cool white rapperish "Don't F wit G-Money") look. Doesn't this kid ever smile? -Then E & C call Joe C "Mini-Me" and fawn all over his performance in the Austin Powers sequel. Joe C. calls them a pair of "dumb asses". -Chyna comes out with Eddie Guerrero. Have you EVER seen a smile more uncomfortable than the one Chyna wears whenever she comes out now? For God's sakes, if their passion were any more phony, they could pass for my parents. -Kurt Angle comes out, wondering just who he has to blow in order to get out of this hole he is currently in. He has a mic and says that Canada is lacking two things: 1: Olympic heroes (adding that Ben Johnson does not count), so Angle volunteered to represent Canada as an Olympic hero tonight! and 2: Memorial Day, which is today (yesterday... the day before... ARGH!)... a day in which we celebrate our war heroes (America is currently UNDEFEATED!!! Thank you very much!!!!! AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT VIETNAM CRAP!! THAT WAS A TIE, A TIE, A TIE!!!!!!!!), by having Bar-B-Q's! (Oddly enough, that's how Germany celebrates Memorial Day too). Unfortunately, Canada can't have Bar-B-Q's because they will inevitably get trampled on by some Moose, or Caribou, or even a Grizzly! (or... even worse... the FRENCH!!!) -In an neat little segue, Angle said that Canadians don't have to worry about "Grizzly's", because everyone knows that Vancouver Grizzlies can't beat ANYBODY!!! (I'm sure it would be funnier if I followed Professional Volleyball) -The cool thing is, that when he wins the European belt tonight... it'll be the North American Olympic Hero becoming the European representative! -Angle finally hits the ring. Lawler points out that there really are no Canada Olympic Heroes. (We tried to ship Greg Louganis over, but you Canuckleheads wouldn't take him... Homophobes!) -They go at it. Part of me is rooting for Angle, because he is just a great heel. Another part of me roots for Eddie, because he is talented and it's a good F-You to WCW. One other part of me could not care less. Yet ANOTHER part is thinking of Melissa. The final part of me is busy wondering if I should send my Girlfriend some roses just because I'm thinking of her now. God, I love life! -and, to be honest, there is a small part of me wondering what Kurt looks like naked, but I keep that part locked up shut. -They lock up. The fans chant "U.S. SUCKS! U.S. SUCK" Oh yeah? Well CANADA S... CAN... ooh.. DAMN YOU AND YOUR MULTI-SYLLABLE COUNTRY!!!!! -It gets going, Eddie was tossed outside. Angle went for a Baseball slide and connected with Chyna. Chyna went down. Cleavage shot. It wouldn't shock me if it was planed this way. -Chyna was steamed. She climbed up to the ring and entered. The Ref was all over her (horn dog!). Angle and Eddie exchanged blows. Eddie hit the Ref by accident. Chyna crotched Angle as he had Eddie up in a Superplex. Angle went down. Eddie gave him a Hurricarana. Eddie scored the pin. Chyna flashed that horrible smile. I do believe that Eddie sickens her. -So, to sum up: A Mexican with a VERY Masculine Girl by his side defeated an American Olympian and kept his European title in a building filled with Canadians. I expect the Trumpets to thunder across the Heavens and at least half of the Planet's population to vanish into thin air any time now. It's gonna be a rough 7 years. -Backstage, E & C (they can't write for crap) meet up with Joe C. again (little brat must be lost, or looking for Eddie to score a little Ganja) and apologize to him. Then they ask him just what the hell he is? A Dwarf? A Midget? Emanuel Lewis fresh from bathing in Bleach? Christian called him a "gnome". Edge called him an "Ewok". Joe C told them to have a good match, then go "F-Themselves". I just want you to know that the WWF SPECIFICALLY scripted this JUST so they can have the image of a grown man who is cursed to look like a Child walk around and use foul language. Someone in Titan thought this would be hilarious. There is something seriously wrong with Vince McMahon's head. -commercials -Road Dogg is just walking around, minding his P's and Q's when he comes up to a door. Someone appears to be locked inside the room that the door leads in. Road Dogg slowly opens the door and walks into a dark room. There is a scuffle. The door slams. The door flings opened and Road Dogg is tossed out. He hits a wall, then drops down. For some reason, I'm thinking... Corey Feldman? -Edge and Christian come out carrying plastic bags, (they normally carry more environmentally friendly brown bags, but who cares about Canada's environment?) -God Bless Scottie Pippen for trying to bring back the Afro all by himself. (The Basketball game is on as I type this) -Christian has a mic and says hello to his fellow Canadians. Then he admits that the "British Columbia... SO not the brightest Province in the Country." (Yes, and they have really ugly teeth... but their Cocaine is AWESOME!). -Edge calls Joe C an "overrated Midget Rapper"... (as opposed to the PLETHORA of Midget Rappers out there?) -So, they had a special pose for all overrated midget rappers worldwide. -They put on silly hats and knelt on a pair of shoes. Then they did a classic Rap pose which I refuse to describe. Jim Ross says these two become bigger Jerks every day, than slipped in a blatant plug by asking, "I wonder how they will be received in Toronto on June the fourth? Ticketsstillavailble callyourlocalticketagentand reserveaseatnow!" -Too Cool came out. Ross and Lawler wonder what happened to Road Dogg behind that closed door (maybe Pat found himself a bad tab of Zoloft?). Then announced that both Fram Auto Filters and Burger King are sponsoring this. Yes, after YOU change you oil, drive on over to BK for a greasy Whopper! -They start off with Too Cool working Christian over some. Although, there is nothing "Cool" about torturing Christians. LEAVE US ALONE!!! HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH???? -JR. apologized to midget rappers everywhere for E & C's words. Then asked Lawler if he wanted to go bowling later on tonight. (What an odd time to ask?). -Edge went for a Powerbomb on Scotty. Taylor was supposed to have slipped out of hit, but couldn't get his leg over. They improvised clumsily, but eventually worked it into a cradle. I'm amazed that he didn't shred his hamstrings on that. -Christopher was tagged in. He lept over the top rope and briefly caught his OWN leg over the rope too. -Grand Master got Edge out of the ring so Taylor could perform his "Worm" nonsense on Christian. -Suddenly, Rikishi and Joe C came out. Joe C climbed into the ring and crotched Christian with a Hockey Stick. (He should have gone with something from a REAL MAN'S SPORT... like a Lacrosse stick!) -Are we sure Joe C isn't Gretzky with a shaved head? -Christopher took the opportunity to pin Christian and we have new tag team champions. -Afterwards, Too Cool, Rikishi, and Joe C. all did that dance. I'm sure there's a joke in here about Joe C and Rikishi's ass, but damn if I can't find a proper set up for it. -Backstage, someone cues us to some... -commercials -Backstage, Vince remarks to his daughter that it's pretty amazing that we have new tag team champions. Stephanie agrees then adds that -taht sdda neht seerga einahpetS .sniopmahc maet gat wen evah ew taht gnizama ytterp s‘ti taht rethguad sih ot skramer ecniV ,egatskcaB -Backstage, Vince remarks to his daughter that it's pretty amazing that we have new tag team champions. Stephanie agrees then adds that it was pure genius to book the Rock/UT match for tonight. Vince promised more shocks to come. Meanwhile, scores of viewers have decided to finally change their bongwater. -Then the lights go out... Stephanie screams as if she's being molested (well, that eliminates ol' Pat). -The lights go back on and Vince is holding his head. Perhaps the Toupee made a run for it? -Rikishi was slapping his cheeks and getting ready. -Shane was not slapping his cheeks, but he seemed to be ready too. -commercials -Shane McMahon comes out. They actually are going to put him in a King of the Ring qualifying match? IF THIS NEPOTISM IS ALLOWED TO PASS AND SHANE WINS IT ALL!!! I WILL NEVER GIVE THE WEEK TO RAW AGAIN!!!! -Shane gets on the stick and does a poem. I refuse to transcribe it. Go to some other loser recap. -Rikishi comes out. Lawler calls Ross a butt kisser. Reverse the names and you've got the truth. -Rikishi goes on the attack. The crowd yells that Shane is a "pussy". Later this week, they will elect him PM. -It didn't take long for Triple H to come out to make trouble. He distracted Rikishi enough for Shane to mount some sort of comeback. He assaulted ‘Shi with a flurry of jabs, ending with a haymaker right to the forehead. Rikishi flopped down hard as if his job depended on it (well... DUH). -Rikishi made a comeback and dumped Shane in the corner. HHH ran in. Kishi dumped HIM in another corner and sat on his face. (Daddy?) -Shane was up and chaired the Big Lug a few times. The DQ was in effect. That didn't stop HHH from Pedigreeing the guy on a chair and doing a faux pin count for Shane. Rikishi advanced and Shane got to keep the title "The Giant Killer". (Although, the REAL Giant Killer is whoever's been in charge of booking TBS's angles since day 1.) -Backstage, a well lit Stephanie bitches at the T & A group, and Val Venis about their failure to take care of Jericho on Sunday Night Heat. She gives them one last shot tonight to deal with him in a 6 man match against Jericho and the Hardy Boys. I would like to make some points here if I may: 1) Stephanie NEVER looked better. I would work over her until Lockjaw set in. 2) It might have been unintentional, but she teased a possible Venis/Stratus relationship. If ever a time should arrive where Val and Trish started tonguing each other on camera, I think my lap would explode. 3) If you REALLY want to get Val over... get Stephanie to cheat on HHH with him. The fans would eat it up. 4) She referred to Jericho as an "Uneducated, low class, bleached blonde BUM." (she describing Jericho or Kid Rock?) 5) After she left, it was Test who called her a "Bitch", I don't know about you, but I had completely forgotten about his history with her until that moment. F-You... I've got better things to do than store up every F-ing angle that wrestling has ever F-ing produced. GET AN F-ING CLUE YOU F-ING LOSERS!!!! -ofcourseIwouldnttouchstratusorstephanie oranybodyanymorenowthatIamhooked upwithanangeltocallmyveryown. -commercials Jim Carrey + the Farrelly Brothers = a serious contender for the Biggest Movie of the Summer. -The Farrelly Brothers come from MY hometown, which is very small. Now they are making huge movies and I'm still spending my days hunting up got pictures of Katie Holmes to use as Wallpaper. I'm using one right now where she's in a white strapless bellyshirt with her hair all messed up, bags under her eyes, and sending out the most intense F-Me eyes I've ever seen. She looks like the HOTTEST ragged out Kiddie Porno star, Heroin Junkie in America... sort of the Anti-Britney -naturally, I switch to a picture of a sunrise whenever SHE'S around. -footage of Shane's pseudo victory. -Y2J is on. The crowd flips out. -We see footage from "Heat" where stuff happened. As if I'm gonna miss "60 minutes". -Jericho had a mic and welcomed us to his show. Then he discussed Stephanie's infatuation with him and wondered if maybe she has a crush on him. -He said that if she combs out her rat's nest, and invests in a few boxes of Clearasil (sp? It's been a while since I had to buy that stuff.) and stop being a... (that string of names he's been using as of late). Then, and only then, may she be considered for a tumble with the Ayatollah of etc... etc... etc. -The Hardy Boyz come out. They had nothing to say. They never do. -AT & T came out with Pal Penis... oopsie. -The bell rang. Val and Jericho locked up. -YESSS!!!!!! PORTLAND WINS!!!!!!!!! WOULDN'T IT ROCK IF THE LAKERS WERE JUNKED OUT??? HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE????? TO NOT EVEN MAKE IT OUT OF THE SEMI-FINALS!!!! GOD BLESS PORTLAND!!!! -SHAQ IS AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!! THERE, I SAID IT!!!!!!! -The first few minutes involved Jericho getting dumped around by all three opponents. Ross commented on the exact size of Albert's head. Lawler spoke for the world by asking Ross how he came by this knowledge, Jimbo didn't answer. -After Test threw Jericho face first into an Albert boot, we got a reaction shot from Stephanie, who looked like she had a spindle box up her yang that as spinning every which way. I have no clue what a spindle box is, but I just LOVE the phrase. -You know... a blind person can tell whenever Jericho's about to do something by the way he screams, "YAAA" before each move. -One of the Hardy's were tagged. It turned into a big mess. -Jericho went for his top rope Springboard, Anti-Moonsault, Non-Enziguri, Dropkick-not-really-more-like-no-exactly-like-a-forearm, on the outside, on Venis. There was a screw up and Jericho damn near took his own head off on the top ropes. -The Hardys almost won it with the Downward Twist of Fate (that's right) on Albert, which would have been followed by some Top Rope Death Drop Thing. But Trish took off her boot and whacked the mounted Hardy in the bum. The boy went down. The other Hardy grabbed Trish and yelled at her. Albert snagged him and gave him the "Lowdown" that Ross called the "High Impact Manuever". T & A won. -Michael Cole had an exclusive interview with the Rock. Rocky was crying a river of Crocodile tears over Vince and Road Dogg's problems tonight. Then he said that he will go through the Undertaker like Joe Kennedy goes through 15 year old babysitters. (*sniff sniff* Yup, that's joke's about 6 years old) -commercials. Samuel L. Jackson is "Shaft". The inspiration to more gay porn titles than almost humanly possible. -Mel Gibson is "The Patriot". If you dub "Braveheart" with British and American accents, you'll have the same exact movie. -last week on Smackdown, Hardcore Holly won a shot at the coveted IC title. If Benoit jobs the strap to Holly in CANADA... we may have to start questioning the existence of Vince's soul. -aw Hell, anyone with any common sense has been questioning this for YEARS already. -Hardcore Holly is out. He gets on the mic and said that this is all Benoit's fault for bypassing him and giving EVERYONE ELSE a title shot. He called Benoit a "typical Canadian"... aka a Coward. (well gee, I've been saying that all column long!) -Chris Benoit comes out with a microphone in hand. Cross your fingers and he just might say "aboot". -I should also point out that Lillian Garcia's introduction cut off Ross mid-plug. Ross was not pleased. -Chris Benoit cut off Ross too. Ross sniped that the last time a Canadian cut him off, he talked Vince into having him descend from the rafters. Don't F with "Good Ol' Jr"! -Benoit ran down all the things Holly had done in his quest for IC gold... -Benoit, "Bob, if you were trying to get my attention... good news... you got it." -Lawler, "Bob? Who's Bob?" (now THAT'S comedy) -Benoit, "Now that you've got your big break, you'll be able to tell the whole world just how it feels... making your biggest... mistake." He dropped the mic and charged the ring. Now THAT'S how to get him over in America. Quiet, soft spoken, simple, direct, dangerous. BOOYAAA! -The Fans, "U.S. SUCKS!!!" What do you idiots know anyway? -They spilled outside and were fighting near the Announce table. Lawler told Ross not to run. Ross defiantly stated that he never ran from anything in his life. Lawler said, "Oh yeah? What about diet and exercise?" Ross commented about the Weather that day. -Benoit went for a quick Crossface. Holly grabbed the ropes. Holly bounced off the ropes and Speared (more like a Tackle) Benoit. -As Benoit caught Holly sitting on the top ropes and dropped him with a Back Breaking superplex, Lawler finally commented on Ross's crankiness tonight. -They exchanged chest slaps in the corner. This ended in a corner bounce/Powerslam/pinning combo by Holly. Benoit kicked out. -Lawler asked how embarrassed Canada would be if Holly beat Benoit? Ross responded by saying, "Well, they've been embarrassed before!" (Jeeze, even I have to ask who pissed in Jimbo's coffee tonight?) -Benoit ducked under a punch and went for the Crucifix Pin. Holly swung his leg back and right into Benoit's crotch. Then he jumped outside and grabbed a chair. Now, what a ridiculous thing to do after he apparently worked so hard for this match! -The Ref and Holly fought over the chair. Jericho ran out and clubbed Bob from behind. He grabbed the chair himself and knocked Holly with it. The bell rang. Benoit and Jericho bickered about this. Holly tried to use the chair again. Benoit ended up clubbing Holly with it instead. Holly ran with Benoit and Jericho chasing him. Thus, the score now reads, America: 100'000'000'000'000'000'000'000'002... Canada: 1 -Backstage the Undertaker tells Kevin Kelly that he could really use a vacation. Hearing the UT speak like Mark Callous will take some getting used to. -commercials -We are shown clear proof that this show is sold out. I still demand to see the Gate Receipts. -Backstage, the Faction discusses just who has been attacking them. Vince asks Brisco where was he when the lights went out? Brisco said he was busy getting coffee (Lo and behold, we have ourselves a running gag). Vince said that from now on, Patterson's in charge of getting coffee. I've done enough Pat jokes for one column. -Vince has a special "bonus" plan for tonight's main event. -Bull Buchanon comes out with the Big Bossman. -Steve Blackman comes out with Al Snow. -Ross talked up Buchanon's attributes, then he literally tore Lawler a new one after a harmless joke. Check this out: -Ross, "Buchanon is so damn big. He weighed in today at about 3 and a quarter. It's all muscle!" -Lawler, "What size is his head?" -Ross, "I don't know. I didn't get into that." -(silence as Ross possibly gives Lawler a little ear full off mic) -Ross, "You think it's funny that I prepare for a broadcast!" -Lawler, "I just... ha ha... can't imagine..." -Ross, "What did YOU this afternoon? Go to a MALL?" -Lawler, "... eight and three quarters...heh... eight and three inches head... WHO CARES?" -Ross, "Well, YOU call yourself a King. That's what I'm saying, WHO CARES?" -Ross was clearly in a huff as Lawler tried to change topics... -Lawler, "Speaking of heads, what do you think is going through Vince's head right now? What do you think HE's thinking about?" -Ross, "Something evil. Something sinister..." -Lawler, "Why do you keep..." -Ross, "Something to make the Rock and the Undertaker's life a living HELL." -Lawler, "Why are you so NEGATIVE? What has Vince done to YOU?" -Ross, "Fired me twice. Anything else you want to go into?" -Lawler, "Remember when he invented everyone's pension plans at the racetracks?" -Ross, "WHAT?" -Meanwhile, Buchanon defeated Blackman. Then there was some post match nonsense that nobody cares about. I don't normally say this, but Snow should REALLY look into getting on the green pastures of WCW. -If you were blind, you'd never know that there was a match. -Backstage, someone off camera asks Patterson about Brisco being the Hardcore champ. pat said that now he has to bring Brisco coffee too. Ross called him a butt kisser. Lawler said, "WHAT?" -Patterson walked past a door that swung open. A Hand yanked Pat inside. The door slammed. We heard pat yell "AWW, OHHH, AWWW" We also heard something that sounded like a staple gun. I do not want to go NEAR this. -His name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID -his CD is named "The History of Rock" -These are called commercials -Chris Jericho came out and introduced Kid Rock. With quite a bit of hysteria. -Joe C came out wearing a winter cap. I throw my checkbook at the TV screen. It's cool... my funds match his size quite nicely. -Kid Rock performed. I listen only to hear Joe C say the "F" word. -So, why is THIS acceptable whereas Chad Brock, Master P, and Kiss gets ragged on? -Easy... because there is no Hennig to rag on Chad and P. There is no "Demon", and this is not an attempt to steal ratings from Nitro. Nitro is long off the air now. Plus, Rock won't be out next week tagging with Joe C against Edge and Christian. Plus, Vince isn't holding press conferences claiming that this will FINALLY stem the tide of the ratings drop. -In short... this is a TREAT... not an ANGLE. -Ooops, Kid Rock dropped the F-word. Censors were caught with their hands on their peckers. DON'T EVEN DREAM THAT THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!!! -AHA!!! Kid gets the word "Porno" in there. -This bitch can put on a SHOW can't he? -God's little prank... Kid Rock runs maybe 160 soaking wet... yet he still has a double chin. -Looks like the Rock and the Undertaker are next. Good, because I would have blown a gasket if this show was only half over. -commercials. Alyssa Milano pushes a 1-800 #. Maybe she is such a horrible actress, or maybe it's those huge teeth... but she really isn't as hot as everyone seems to think. -I must be totally tripping on some bad hash from the weekend. Because I swear I am seeing a spot saying that smoking could lead to Vince McMahon being run over by the Undertaker on a motorcycle? -Backstage. E & C shove Joe C in a trash can for costing them the tag titles. Just because Joe C is being worked into an angle does NOT NULLIFY MY PREVIOUS STATEMENT ABOUT WHY KID ROCK IS ACCEPTABLE AND ANYONE BISCHOFF THROWS OUT THERE IS NOT!!!! -oh... well... of course it does. BISCHOFF SUCKS!!!!! -E & C then smash the can with a chair. They must have smuggled the kid out while the camera was off the can. Note that you don't here him yelling for his "Homies!" - Then they jam the can against the wall. -Ross demands that they get the kid some help! As well as a blunt the size of my foot too. -The Undertaker comes out. Now we are officially sick of the Kid Rock song. -Rocky comes out. Two different signs agree that "C.I.C.C. SUCKS". Is that anything like "M.A.D.D"? Because if it is, then I'm against it too!! -If it weren't for drunk driving Mom's, I would have been born in a Crackhouse. -Did I ever mention that they were at the "General Motor's Arena"? They WOULD have named it "Specific Motor's Arena", but they couldn't find any Canadians who were experts in ANY sort of specific motor. -They were about to get going when... -Out comes Vincent K. Ross didn't like his "swagger". "He thinks he's John Damn Wayne". -Vince had a mic and said that before these two started beating the Hell out of each other... pausing for a moment to register outrage at being called an "Asshole". -Vince wanted to know which one of these two were the "gutless one" who attack him, Patterson, and Road Dogg? He asked Rocky. Rocky said no. He asked the UT. UT said no. The crowd chanted, "AUSTIN, AUSTIN". -Vince called them both liars... and decided that since they didn't have the K-Jones to ‘fess up... this match is now officially a "Lumberjack Match". -The Faction crew come out, leading out a bunch of other established Heels. -Ross pointed out that Patterson was a butt kisser. Lawler wondered if Pat was okay, being that he took a few cups off hot coffee when he was being attacked. Ross said, "Maybe he needs mouth to mouth, King? You can go help him!" How can you hate this? -The ring was surrounded. Rock and UT stared at each other. Ross said that the odds of a Martin/Lewis reunion is better than the Rock and UT's shot at getting out in one piece. -UT says something to Rocky. Rocky agrees... and... -They jump out of the ring and attack the Lumberjacks. I don't think we are going to get the match we were promised. -We didn't. Instead, the Rock and UT cleaned house for a little bit, shifting things back into the ring for a spell. -At one point, Rocky was near the ropes. He turned around and came face to face with Patterson on his knees on the ring apron. The visual was chilling. -The numbers were too overwhelming and the two Faces were trounced. -Vince walked in and proudly walked around with his arms out. -Ross, "Lumberjack Match, MY ASS!!!" -It was about to get ugly... Pat had produced a red ball mouthpiece when... -Explosion from the entranceway. -Out comes KANE!!! He runs in and makes a Beeline for X-Pac, (Christ, Even Ahab knew when to let go.) -Kane clears house. He picked up the WWF belt that HHH tossed aside as he was being lifted up for the Chokeslam. -He held the belt up high. The Faction looked furious. Rocky and UT just stared at him. -The show ends. Where was Paul Bearer? If UT is alive again, then are they still brothers? Who killed their parents again? AND ISN'T STEPHANIE MARRIED TO UT TOO???? Pretty good show. I hear Goldberg returned to Nitro. In fact, it's pretty much common knowledge by now. That shouldn't stop you from glancing through the Nitro recap. I make fun of the Mormons! I also break out in a gosh darn good John Ritter impression! Here is a taste: "CHRRRI..." That's all you get.