Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Did you read the RAW recap first?...6/3/99
MOP-UP Nitro (cont)
-Tony sat back and listened as Bischoff talked up Tank Abbott. It was a solid 2 minute lecture on how Abbott could butt rape Ken Shamrock AND Dan Severn at the same time.
-As Randy Savage came out to the ring....Bischoff jammed his foot in his mouth by declaring that "THE BEST PART OF NITRO IS WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE COMMERCIALS!!!!" I SWEAR...he said that.
-Of course, he MEANT that Nitro is best experienced live.....so he can go back to selling out dome shows instead of staring at all those empty seats at the Astrodome....but like all things Bischoffian, in came out bad.
-I'll stop bitching about him when he SHUTS THE FU&& UP AND GOES BACK TO THE BACKSTAGE WHERE HE GODDAM BELONGS!!!!!!!
-Savage finally came out....
-Then his girls followed him....
-Nash came out...shaking hands with the fans along the way...
-Oh...wait a second..that ain't Nash..it's an impostor...a skinny guy in a dress...
-here's ANOTHER angle that's been done to death....
-Savage, Madusa, and Ms Madness took turns beating the fake out.
-Then Gorgeous George climbed to the SECOND rope and delivered an Elbow Drop...which of course, led Tony to witlessly called it a TOP ROPE Elbow Smash
-figure out the rest....
-Nash must be at Owen's funeral tonight.
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls are in the ring....is it me or does Bischoff make this show seem 3 times as long? I keep checking my window to see if it's dawn yet.
-Buff Bagwell beat Bobby Eaton.... Bobby Eaton is working the third hour...just sit back and chew on that for a while.
-Actually, at least Eaton used to be a big deal....and there is no denying his loyalty to the company and vice/versa..so this doesn't bother me as much as...say...Miller of Horace working the third hour.
-aw..the Hell with it....GOD BLESS BOBBY EATON!!!!!!! THAT'S ONE MUCH MOUTH WHO PAID HIS DUES!!!!!!!
-commercials
-DJ Rad is apparently directing this show now...(which explains a LOT)..because he's the one who ordered them to show......
-footage of Raven getting dumped in a dumpster
-Saturn came out alone...he screamed to the camera, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???" (uhh...right now? Probably RAW).
-Saturn said that he would defend the tag belts solo.....Eric immediately volunteered his heart...in case Saturn's explodes mid match
-Page came out with Bigelow and called Saturn "stupider than he looked"....Bischoff corrected his grammar....
-Then Bischoff talked about Hogan's commitment to "save this business"......save it from what? THE BUSINESS HAS NEVER BEEN HOTTER HULKY YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOT!!!! THIS BUSINESS TODAY SURPASSED THE BUSINESS OF THE 80'S ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO YOU BALD LOSER!!!!!!!!
-WCW and the WWF stand to make around 350 MILLION dollars this year COMBINED.....exactly how does it need to be "saved" again?
-Oh I know...we have to GET AWAY FROM THE PORN SHOW AND GO BACK TO HAVING HOGAN STARE AT THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR IN A MIRROR?
-Hogan and Bischoff....I swear to CHRIST....Sean Shannon makes more sense than these two.
-This is prototypical handicapped action.....to wit...
-A) Face stares at his opponents and prepares for an impossible task
-B) Face shocks everyone by knocking both Heels out of the ring
-C) Announcer BEGS us not to switch channels as the break to some...
-commercials
-D) Face goes to work on one Heel.
-E) Heel sneaks in a clothesline and assumes control.
-F) Heels enjoy advantage
-G) Hyatte sneaks away to pull his pecker over the pin up of "Blue Boy" magazine
-H) Hyatte makes a lame Patterson joke in order to keep up his "Uber Macho" front
-I) Heels stay on advantage....Bischoff acts like the Face just plunged 80 feet from the ceiling and begins eulogizing the great athlete
-J) Face defies all odds and launches a comeback, complete with near pin.
-K) Announcers collectively move their bowels in their trousers in excitement.
-L) Face pulls out finishing move on both Heels. Announcers ask if we believe in miracles.
-M) Face's partner shows up, evening the odds .
-N) Face pulls off a "miracle tag" and tags in his partner.
-O) The partner runs in and runs right into a Heel PUNCH.....Partner goes down and gets pinned. The Heels win the tag belts.
-P) The partner's name is Kanyon.....who sucks...so getting pinned in standard for him.
-Q) Recapper breaths a sigh of relief, because he was running out of letters.
-S) Recapper declares that Bischoff sucks, then declares that the show moved onto some...
-commercials
-see....by the numbers.
-Macho Man and his coozebags were in the Limo...getting ready for a MAJOR Booty Call
-Then Nash shows up in a big truck.....(Huh? I guess he wasn't at the funeral!!)
-Nash got out of the truck muttering, "Any dead Canuck is a good Canuck"...Oh Kevin...I know that Canadians are scuzzy mouth breathers....BUT THAT IS JUST NOT COOL TO SAY!!!!!!!!
-Nash ended up using a hose (and WHAT a hose...no wonder Torrie is always looking dazed and zoned out!!) and dumping a load of.....what looked like puke into the Limo.
-Savage and the chicks were blasted......YEAH NASH!!!!!! GIVE THOSE BITCHES A NICE SHOWER!!!! AND DON'T FORGET TO SOAK DOWN THEIR BALLOON HOLES!!!
-Nash wrapped it up...got back in the truck, and hauled ass...Savage yelled "SON OF A BITCH!" about 12 times....Flair couldn't say it but Savage can.....go figure.
-We find out that it was supposed to be raw sewage that he dumped in there...of course it wasn't, but it was damn sure gross enough either way.
-In a voiceover, Nash said that this segment of Nitro was brought to us by "Louis Septic Services: For all your SAVAGE septic needs!"
-There was nothing in that segment that I didn't thoroughly enjoy.
-This may be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Thank GOD for Nash...because without him, I don't think I could even stand Nitro anymore.
-commercials
-DJ Rad told the backstage to drop the cage.....he IS running the show now?!?!!? I wonder if Eric handed him the book too?
-Tank Abbott came out with his little posse. Tony seemed to have forgotten that he was the guest ref for tonight's match (his exact words are "Are you KIDDING ME? TANK ABBOTT IS THE GUEST REF FOR TONIGHT'S CAGE MATCH??????"
-Hey Tony.....Jesus F-Ing CHRIST could be guest ref and it wouldn't matter...Austin is about to fight the Undertaker on RAW.....and I don't see anything involving Rick Steiner doing much against that.
-commercials
-Rick Steiner lumbered out....and it seems that Bischoff has left the table....Oh Praise Allah
-Sting came out.....I blame HIM for Owen's death....he made it look so EASY!!!!!
-STING!!!!! YOU ARE A MURD......umm.....maybe not....that may be TOO much.
-The match began.....Sting started it off...
-Steiner fought back...
-Abbott did nothing
-Steiner stayed in control
-Sting fought back
-Steiner moved with the speed of a snail and the grace of a virgin on prom night
-Then Stinger fought back...
-Sting went for the Stinger Splash
-Tank Abbott yanked Steiner away....Sting hit the turnbuckle.
-Abbott hit Sting from behind and Sting went down.
-Steiner used athletic tape to bind Sting's hands to the top rope, then proceeded to kick the crap out of him.....I heard Steiner yell, "A-Hole!! You wife told my wife about that stripper in Orlando!!!! I'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOR 4 MONTHS!!!!!"...
-Then he yelled, "HEY MR BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN!!! (kick) REMEMBER THE 11 COMMANDEMNT? (kick, kick) THOU (kick) SHALL (kick) NOT (kick) RAT ON (kick kick kick) THOU FRIENDS!!! (kick kick kick kick)"
-Then Steiner yelled, "SINCE YOU FOUND GOD, MAYBE GOD CAN HELP YOU FIND YOUR NUTS???" (Then he kicked Sting in the jimmies so hard they flew out of his body and into the seats) "HAVE GOD FIND THOSE FOR YOU, YA MOUTHY LITTLE TATTLETALE!!!!!"
-Tank Abbott walked away as Tony pronounced him evil to the nth power. The show ended on that note.
Short "n' sweet RAW won.....because Bischoff will always blow and you all know it. Some last thoughts on Owen Hart and this thing is DONE.
Like I said at the top of the RAW column, this won't be an eulogy.....enough people voiced their thoughts and I doubt I could add to them. But, there now that we've had ten days to absorb this, I thought I'd make some observations that I haven't seen anyone really make yet. I tend to look at the big picture of things and wonder about the ramifications of every event...so here are some thoughts, notes, and questions about this whole affair. Not a LOT of them....just a couple.
-The saddest part of all this is that folks who AREN'T "in the know" (those being, the mainstream populace), probably assume that Owen's entire act was that of the "Blue Blazer when in reality, it was just a temporary gimmick.
-The one guy who is having a REALLY bad year is Sting. First Columbine took away his trenchcoat, now Owen Hart took away his rafters drop stunt. What's next? Scientists will discover that face makeup causes testicular cancer? (That was Al Isaacs' joke, told to me privately....I thank him for letting me steal it)
-I am seriously wondering what was going through Owen's mind as he fell? No joke either...it is a morbid curiosity of mine...and probably a lot of you are wondering the same.
-Circumstances not withstanding......how badly would you like to be a fly on the wall at that funeral...and maybe the reception afterwards? Vince, Austin, Hogan, The Warrior, Bret, HBK, Waltman, maybe even Scott Hall?? What were THEY talking about?
-My advice to the WWF....hand the Hart family 20 million dollars TODAY. Hand them 50 MILLION.....because that lawsuit is going to have MAJOR ramifications beyond the financial.
-Owen's widow.....the Hart family in general....the mainstream press....everyone wants to blame someone for this when there really is nobody TO blame. I cannot believe that Vince FORCED Owen on that ceiling under threat of termination...he could have refused. It's like when your dog runs out into traffic and gets hit by a car. You want to KILL the driver....but it was an accident. Accidents happen and sometimes, you just have to let it go like that.
-First the Renegade, then Rude, now Hart.....no wonder they say "Death Comes in 3's"
-How weird is it too...the Renegade went out intentionally in the most violent way...Rude went out unintentionally and in his sleep, while Owen went out unintentionally, but violently as well. I can't think of three more diverse forms of death.
-As gloomy as it may be...if played right, this could help put Jarrett over into the big time. He damn sure has the crowd sympathy, he's got the talent, he's got a great accessory in Debra..now he has the IC belt.
-Speaking of which...I have no doubt that Owen was scheduled to win the belt that night.....which is pretty stupid in retrospect, but still.
-For the first time in at least 20 years, there is no longer a Hart in the WWF....
-I don't know if Al backed my e-mailed suggestion, but I am BEGGING the WWF to rename the King of the Ring the "OWEN HART MEMORIAL KING OF THE RING" Seeing how that and the Slammy awards were Owen's proudest claim..it would fit.
-Vince learned a LOT since Pillman's death and the horrible way he handled it
-Imagine the ratings on RAW should Bret ever choose to go back now.....just imagine.
-Of course..he ain't EVER going back now.
I think.....yeah...I'm done. I'll probably regret writing those down tomorrow....but remember..I did not write this in order to offend and draw bullshit heat. None of the jokes I do are intended for those purposes (well...a few of them are)...this is a column that's supposed to be fun....period. Just me sitting around bullshitting with a bunch of people...cracking wise..telling dirty jokes, and asking questions and making comments that, while inappropriate at a cocktail party, are perfect for a little farting around bull session. This concept works best when real life doesn't abruptly intrude on this little fantasy camp known as pro wrestling. Unfortunately, real life didn't intrude.....it barreled in on our pretend world and took a seat squarely in the middle of the campfire. Under those circumstances, we could either A) Address the problem in a serious, respectful manner or B) Respect it, accept it as a part of life, and try to understand it by incorporating it into this pretend world while realizing that there are those who's lives are forever altered by what happened....and not for the better. That's what I did, that's what I will do. Owen Hart is dead. It's not fair, it's not funny, and it just plain sucks. I'm sorry he's dead and by talking about it in my own way is only my way of accepting his death...and maybe helping you accept it too.
Enough was NOT enough and it was NOT time for a change.
I said that I won't be eulogizing Owen Hart in this column.
I think I was wrong.
I think that this whole column is my eulogy to him.
This is Hyatte
Chris Hyatte
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