Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Hello, I am totally naked right now...6/3/99 Mop-Up RAW Hello. This is the Mop-Up and I am Chris.....oddly enough, now a candidate for Humanitarian of the Year...all because I chose not to attempt a column so close after Owen Hart. Jeeze, all I was doing was making sure I wouldn't say something stupid during a very bad week...where even the slightest remark would have thrown everyone into an uproar...just ask Craig Kilborn. All I was doing was covering my own ass.....honest! I'm still a really evil, evil dickhead.......no matter what Al says...I'm EVIL DAMMIT....EVIL!! BOOGA, BOOGA, BOOGA...HAIL SATAN!!!!!! BUT...just because I'm an a-hole.....it doesn't mean I'm a Fu**ing A-Hole.....I'll still treat the topic with respect and cautious sensitivity. I'm well aware that many of you...probably most are still VERY upset over this....and although I can't promise a joke free column on the topic....I'll try to ease into the subject of Owen Hart as delicately as possible. Okay, let's get it going. First of all, there will be NO "eulogizing" of Owen in this column. The net is FILLED with eulogies from people who never met him, didn't know him, and probably didn't give much of a rat's ass about him when he was still alive. I won't criticize them for it...it's their columns and they can do whatever the Hell they want with them (and I am not just talking about the SCOOPS writers either)..and I have no problems with them wanting to share their sadness and shock about what happened. It's just that there is pretty much no need for me to chime in with another "Too Soon, Too Tragic" tale of woe. My feelings about Owen Hart are mine alone, and I'll choose to keep them to myself. Let's just say I liked the guy...I always looked forward to the day when he would emerge from out of his Brother's shadow...and it's too bad that he ran out of time before truly pulling it off. "Nuff said. As for last week's missing column...there is more of a backstory than my letter to Al would lead you to believe. I was working on a special Owen tribute column which would be nothing but passages from past Mop-Ups that I wrote about him. As I soon learned, however....is that Owen was never much of an "in ring" personality...(apparently, judging from what we heard last week..he was quite the goofball outside the ring...but that's where it stayed)...and this column, more than anything else..is a personality driven column...be it mine, Austin's, Bischoff's, Patterson's, Lawler's, Hogan's, etc... I draw my "humor" from the personalities...from the "style" of wrestling.....Owen Hart clearly favored substance over style...which, while made him entertaining to watch....also left him pretty much untouched in this column....so I didn't have enough really juicy material to give him a proper tribute. Besides....I could not recap last week's RAW and make Patterson jokes while the guy was crying his eyes out.....I have too much respect for the sport and for those grieving to try that....remember...A-hole....not FU**ING A-Hole. It was just better that I took the week off.....Zimmerman wanted to...but he couldn't since he is the only guy on that site who does the recaps....SCOOPS has a pair of recappers who take care of the shows in a serious manner...which last week's RAW demanded. As far as Nitro goes....I was not in the mood for recapping ANYTHING......especially a Nitro that featured a ten minute segment on why we must now love Eric Bischoff.....and of course....Hogan. Hogan.....now THAT'S an FU**ING A-Hole. What a C-Sucker. To pick THAT week...out of ALL THE POSSIBLE TIMES TO DO IT to call RAW the "Triple X PORN Show" was just so...so.....so FU**ING HOGANISH of him. Great timing dickhead.....still completely wrapped up in your own little Universe that you have no idea what's going on ANYWHERE else. He's a douchebag to the highest order. I hope that every time he shows up on Nitro...the quarter hour ratings drop to 0:00!! I hope...no..I PRAY to God, Jesus, Satan, Buddah, Dillenger, or even that Allah homo that every single Hogan appearance on Nitro drags the ratings down to GOOSEGGS!!! NOBODY WATCH NITRO WHEN HOGAN COMES ON!!!! BECAUSE HE DAMN SURE HASN'T LEARNED THAT HE IS YESTERDAY'S NEWS!! What a PRICK!! Why can't Hulk start descending from the rafters now? Come on....Owen was a fluke..it's REALLY safe! Finally....last week's RAW was the ONE show that EVERY self respecting wrestling fan should have on tape....period. From the kayfabe segments to the solid, no storylines allowed matches. This was the RAW where everybody was in character, but nobody was in "character"...and they just gave the fans a show and gave us a chance to see real people talking about their friend. Even the obvious "rush job" last 30 minutes where they realized that time was an enemy worked because it added to the semblance that this was "real"...or at least as real as wrestling will ever get. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler treaded new water here...going from the awkward "this is all new to us" play by play....to a little laughter as they exchanged Owen stories and Ross finally realized that this show was about celebrating Owen's life and not mourning it.....to the final...tearful sendoff where both men couldn't hold it in any longer. RAW finally lived up to it's name....it was as RAW as it has ever gotten. As far as Austin's final toast to Hart? I guess they HAD to get him in there....probably because he demanded it....and it was the best possible way for him to do it. Still, something about it rang false...maybe it just bugged me that while he hoisted a brew up to Owen...a guy that he had no great love for after he almost ended his career....he never addressed the death of his GOOD friend Brian Pillman on RAW television a few years back. Okay...that's plenty for now. I'll have a little bit more to say on the whole incident in the closer.....some last comments and questions that as far as I could see, nobody addressed yet....although I could be wrong....because I was off the Net a lot last week and didn't get to read much stuff...including Al's little news flash about what a sweet little pussycat I am in real life.......WAY TO CUT MY BALLS OFF IN FRONT OF MILLIONS AL!!!!!! Now I have to work EXTRA hard and start offending people again.....I DIDN'T WANT TO START GOOFING ON GOLDBERG'S RELIGION AGAIN!!!! BUT SCOOPS FORCED MY HAND DAMMIT!!!!!!!!! RAW IS WAR (or: I should hire Sushi X's Press Agent) -opens with a crowd shot. Jim Ross welcomes us to the big dance. -Ross and Lawler solemnly look into the camera and remind us that Owen Hart died last week....(He did? WHEN????...err....ahhh.....I'm sorry about that..won't happen again). Then they told us that the funeral was held earlier today. -Quick shots of WWF stars in full suits walking into the Church. We also see tearful members of the Hart family. They would have shown Bret in there....but those pesky WCW Lawyers would have a field day with it...and something tells me that Vince may want to start saving his money. -What the Hell is Johnny Cochran doing there? Why that no good...dirty...ambulance chaser....COULDN'T YOU WAIT FOR THE BODY TO COOL BEFORE SWOOPING IN FOR THE KILL COCHRAN????? -What the Hell is William Shatner doing there? -WHAT THE HELL IS DON KING DOING THERE????? -Back to the Announcers....Lawler expresses his deepest sympathy on behalf o the WWF to the Hart family.....Ross promises a whiz bang show in honor of Owen's memory (ANOTHER ONE???? MY GOD...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!!!!!) -That one was for the little Canuck himself.....R.I.P Owen. -commercials -Video footage reminding us that a new champ was crowned that Sunday....and the bloody show must go on. -opening theme -Lots of signs...lots of screaming retards -Kicking things off, the Undertaker's music came on..the lights dimmed. -Out came 5 people dressed in brown robes. Lawler said that they were Jews. -JEWS??? JEWS WORSHIP THE LORD OF DARKNESS??? NO WAY!!!!!!! -Although....that WOULD explain a LO......NONONO...STOP IT HYATTE!!!!! DAMMIT....THAT'S NOT FAIR TO THOSE FINE PEOPLE!!!!! -you have my apologies..... -Anywhoo....the Je....err.....folks in brown robes....were carrying out the Undertaker's Symbol......somebody is gonna get hoisted up tonight -?????????? Are they SURE they want to do that? THIS early? -The Ministry and the Corporation follow the J...dammit...brown guys in robes. Shane and hunter still look a little depressed over what happened last week..(or two days agao...if you will). -Everyone hits the ring, Shane takes the mic and tells the cheap pricks out there (or at least the ones with a cheater cable box) that his hand counted to 3 and gave the WWF belt to the Undertaker. -Then the Undertaker had Paul Bearer put the mic to his ace and he said that tonight he would deliver Austin "mind, body, and soul" to the "Higher Power" (He would've also gone for Austin's checkbook....but another "Higher Power" known as the "Ex" took that..along with the Bloodsuckers from the Law Offices of "Dewey, Scrooum, Updeass, and Howe"). -After a little more Demonic rabble rousing.... -Out came Vincent K (umm..maybe not...still too early) McMahon. Vince said that no matter how you sliced it, this crap is REALLY stupid... -Then he remembered that he was on camera AND had a microphone on him..so he got back to business. -He said that the Undertaker SCREWED Austin last week...so in retaliation, he was going to SCREW the Undertaker... -At which point, Patterson ran out dressed in....dressed in......oh man.....give the guy a break huh? Let's give him a little time to mourn please. -Vince said that the UT will have to defend the belt tonight against "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. -Shane stepped in and said Austin will NOT be getting a title shot tonight -Vince said that either way, Austin is going to "wipe the floor with your CARCASS TONIGHT Undertaker!!!" (Umm Vince......is "carcass" REALLY the word you want to use?) -Vince, "In Stone Cold's owns words....'Austin's gonna KICK your ass!!!!" -WHUP!!! IT'S WHUP YOUR ASS YA' OLD FART!!!!! I think the Toupee glue is leaking into Vince's brain. -Kick your ass......for God's sakes. -What's next? Is Vince gonna say, "DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS BAKING"? -Or maybe "SUCK THIS"? -Or maybe, "DAMMIT PAT, GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!!!" -Oh shut up..one little jab ain't gonna hurt anyone -Vince continued, barking at the UT to "look at me when I'm talking to you!!" (Thaaaat's what I wanted to see....a little TCBing...) -Vince said that for all the hell that the UT put him through.....he'll get a shot to fight Vince one on one..for no other reason than to PUT HIMSELF OVER AS A MAJOR FACE!!! DAMMIT ERIC, WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY BACKST... -oh...wait a second...I thought I was recapping Nitro for a second there....wrong promoter -Shane grabbed the mic, complimented Vince for finding his sack....then said that if Vince could beat the UT..then Austin can get his title shot tonight. Vince agreed -The segment ended with UT looking into the camera and mouthing something....being one kick ass lip reader, I was able to decipher it..... -He said, "Ischoffbay, allcay emay on ridayfay! Etgay emay outay ofay isthay ellholehay!" One could only dread what that cryptic message meant. -The Ministration turned to go......they walked down the aisle when... -Austin's music came on.... -Then Austin emerged from under one of the J....ahh....brown robes and started to swing at the UT....the rest of the group realized what had happened and went after Austin in force.. -Then the Union came out and cleaned house......everyone made mean faces at each other as Ross declared that CNN is on it's way over to cover this war that's brewing. -My question is.....was Austin ALWAYS Jewish? -If not...when did he convert? -and Why? IS HE TRYING TO RIP OFF GOLDBERG NOW????????? -My God..if that's the case..then I guess he'll soon refuse to wrestle until Vince gives him a raise....just to show what a self serving jerkoff he REALLY is. -commercials -footage of what just happened. -Backstage we see Austin shove Test down to the ground....the rest of the Union look perplexed as to why he would do that....hey, Test used to road for Motley Crue....he's had more cooze than most guys have bowel movements......I'D be resentful too! -Ross and Lawler talk up the night's major events. -Then the Big Show came out....... -Then Bad Ass Billy Gunn came out...... -Right in the front row...and right in our faces for 95% of the night....someone held up a huge sign that read, "SUSHI X" -I'm curious......what is it with him? Why does he get signs? I mean, I get signs too....but I'd like to think that I get them because I produce 40 page epics (just about) every week that make you piss your pants in laughter. Why does he get them? Would someone tell me please. -I'm not trying to "dis" him either....I'm just wondering -Okay, Pop Quiz Hotshot! You got two stars who are in the middle of getting pushed! Neither one of them will be jobbing tonight. Yet having them go on until the end of the show will have fans SPRINTING to Nitro. What do you do..what do you do? -The answer of course is....shoot the hostage and take the bitch out of the equation. -That, or have Road Dogg run out and cause the DQ by attacking Gunn....then have Wight give Gunn the "Show Stopper" Chokeslam for good measure. -Then have Road Dogg pretend to moon Gunn.....to show off his braided butt hair -backstage, we see Beaver Cleavage with his Mother. He's nervous about his "WWF RAW debut" (Oy Bloody VEY). His Mother soothed him by jamming his head in her chest. None of this changes the fact that Hogan is still a dickhead. Chris Hyatte
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