Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Wait...I'm still wearing a sock..6/3/99. Mop-Up RAW (cont) -commercials -Christian came out from under a ring of fire.....which is the WWF's way of saying that Christianity is the SPAWN OF HELL ITSELF!!!! THOSE BASTARDS!!!!!!! LEAVE MY RELIGION ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -We Christians were the only ones who believed that the fellow who called himself Jesus was the real deal and not some snake oil peddler........and what did we get in return? 2000 YEARS OF TORMENT, AGONY, AND EMBARRASSINGLY SMALL PECKERS. -Not to mention a Bible filled with 9 million restrictions...Hell, technically we aren't even allowed to piss without saying the Rosary 4 times. -Beaver Cleavage came out with his Mother in a grainy black and white film shot....which got annoying real fast. -Y'know...suddenly..that Yeti gimmick sounds like a step forward. -Ross smarty observed that beaver's "Mom" looks younger than the boy himself. -A pretty good match ended after Beaver unloaded his finisher....which is pretty much an inverted suplex....or a reverse suplex. -BUT...that was after the Hardy Boyz came out to grab Christian....then Michael Hayes showed up and WHACKED Christian with a cane...(SEE????? ISLAMS GET THE OIL, MUSLIMS GETS THE BABES, MORMONS GET AS MANY WIVES AS THEY WANT, JEWS GET THE MONEY, BUT WHAT DO WE CHRISTIANS GET????? A CANE RIGHT ACROSS OUR FRIGGIN' HEAD!!!!!! WE'RE ALWAYS GETTING SCREWED LIKE THAT!!!!!!!) -Cleavage won...but the rest of the Brood showed up and beefed with the Hardy Boyz and Hayes. Meanwhile, I hear that Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy was just elected Sears "Salesman on the Month"! -Backstage, the Undertaker s telling Shane that he's gonna be the World's richest orphan after tonight. -commercials -Local spot for a WWF House show coming to Providence in July.....they JUST had a PPV here and yet they are coming right back....I told you, Vince has been very, VERY good to us here in the Northeast. -Vince is getting ready backstage...he's all buff and tuff....arms by Weider....hair by Teflon...(see..I could have tossed in an "Oil by Patterson" gag...but I didn't....see how cool I'm being?) -Jeff Jarrett comes out with Debra. I feel bad for the poor schnook....he must be pissed off. -The Godfather came out......he seemed to forgot something.... -Then out came the Hoes.....only 3 of them....two of them were EXCEPTIONALLY cute....the other one looked like a drunken Tommy Lee practiced drumming, "Dr. Feelgood" on her face one too many times -The GF had the mic and invited everyone to come aboard the "Ho Train"...followed by a quick lecture on the hardships of...err...pimping. -THEN...he reminded Jarrett that white slavery is alive, well, and living in the WWF....and Debra has to earn him $500 by the end of the night or she'll be drinking out of a straw for the rest of her life.....(and WAIT until you see the size of the Godfather's straw) -Jarrett was not amused...he is a WRESTLER DAMMIT!!!! THIS IS A WRESTLING SHOW!!!!!! NOT SOME...SOME....HOE DOWN!!!! -The match got going......then....much like any self respecting Ho.....Jarrett quickly went down. -Then Debra climbed the ring apron.... -She teased the GF...the GF opened his shirt to show his smooth brown nubbins -Then one of the Godfathers girls climbed to the ring apron and flashed HER bra....it's a competition!!! -Then Jarrett woke up...hit the GF with the Chick belt....and scored the pin...we have a new IC champion. -Jarrett mounted the top rope with his belt...mouthed the word, "OWEN"...and took off with Debra. -Well done...well done. May Jarrett's reign be long and.....um.....long. -Backstage, Bearer was leading the Undertaker out...presumably to the ring....possibly to the nearest Dairy Queen. -commercials -The Undertaker came out..... -We see Austin watching this backstage. -Vince McMahon came out.....looking like a man half his age times two -Vince stormed the ring...UT started to kick.. -UT started to punch at Vince's face....well, he punched air mostly..but I'm sure the force of the wind raised bloomin' HELL. -Vince kicked UT in the nutsac.... -Vince cornered UT and started to punch....very weak ass punches too....Vince has been in the business longer than spandex....you would think that he'd learn how to sell a punch by now...DAMMIT VINCE!!!!! YOU SELL THAT MOVE!!!!!!! SELL....THAT.....MOVE!!!!!!!!!! -UT came back and the beatdown restarted... -Then the Undertaker shoved the ref away...the ref called for the bell.... -Patterson and Brisco ran in to help their boss...Pat's head was cocked (heh heh) near Vince's tuckus. He was heard screaming..."TRIXIE...TRIXIE...ARE YOU OKAY??? SQUEAK FOR ME TRIXIE....SQUEEEAK!!!" -OH COME ON!!!!! I NEED TO EARN A LIVING TOO DAMMIT!!!!! -Backstage, Michael Cole talked to Steve Austin about his match with the UT...take a friggin' guess what he said. -Oh...right..Vince won by DQ. -Mankind came out and challenged Triple H to a Hardcore, anything goes match for that night. Why you ask? Well..there are a few reasons really.... -The Union wants a little payback..(although technically, that should be "kickback") for Vince. -HHH did a number on Foley with a pipe at the last PPV....and Foley don't like "pipejobs".....(kick out her teeth Mick....then you'll like "em) -and because the rumor is Chyna has been "checking him out" while he was in the shower, bending over to get the soap (I know EXACTLY what you're waiting for here...well you AIN'T gonna get it....PFFFFFFFFTH) -I cracked up when he accused Chyna of "wanting to touch him in impure ways"..... -The Sexual Overtones continued right up until some.... -commercials -then Ross took us to the action DURING those.... -commercials -Where it seems The Big Bossman and Foley started to brawl... -They were still at it when we got back....then the Road Dog showed up for his regularly scheduled match with the Bossman.... -Eventually.....the Bossman DQed the Ref for using the Nightstick.... -err....that should be the other way around....screw you..I'm tired -Bossman took the DQ...but still laid into Road Doggy with a chain...thus, a new, pointless feud begins. -backstage, Shane is trashing his dressing room because Austin gets a title shot tonight...either that or someone FINALLY clued him in on why "Uncle Pat" is always asking Shane to sit on his lap. -commercials -X-Pac came to the ring -Kane came out -The Acolytes came out -This is for the title. -The tag title -Let's see if I can sum this up in three sentence bullet points.... -Kane did well -Bradshaw did better -X-Pac took beating -Shane came out. -Ross bitched -Bradshaw stayed in. -Farooq stayed out -Kane was tagged -Farooq came out -Kane cleaned house -X-Pac tried move -Bronco Buster move -Shane had chair -X-Pac kissed chair -Bradshaw hit pin -Ross said "Dammit" -New tag champs -Fire bad ARRRRRR -Column bad too -Austin was backstage, waiting for his shot -commercials -Apparently, not only can Mark Henry drown a family of four with his tears...he also craps like a Gorilla with the Diareehums. According to a bathroom camera and the fine thespian performance by D-Lo. That's pretty much all there was to that segment. -Maybe all of Henry's bodily fluids are superhuman? I wonder if he can play paintball with his jizm? -Val Venis comes out with Nicole Bass...they are lovers now................ -...................................................... -................................................................... -................................................................... -........................................................... -....ever want to just drink and drink and drink until you can't think anymore? -Ken Shamrock came out...looking like Tank Abbott just faxed him his WCW contract with a note that said "Snap on this you, little fem!" -The match began..... -the match ended. -Debra and Jarrett had something to do with it....then Shamrock "snapped" and ran after them....then Val almost broke up with Bass.... -oh yeah, Venis rolled up Shamrock in order to take the pin and win...I KNEW I forgot something -Val didn't break up with Bass either.....so this Human trainwreck continued -Backstage, The Undertaker told someone off camera that he will not fail him. -commercials -Mankind came out -Triple H came out with Chyna....who changed her name to "East Hemisphera" (Try to top THAT Asyia..you Smelly Goat!!!!) -They started to swing at each other....it soon spilled outside the ring. -Helmsley took some pain..... -Mankind tried a backslide....Lawler's jaw dropped in amazement.....Ross was less surprised...only half his jaw drooped..... -oh...wait.....right..I forgot. -HHH pulled out a sledge hammer and went for Foley's head...Mick ducked out of the way. -Ross, "Helmsley was aiming for the HEAD!?!?!" -Lawler, "You think?" -By the way....Ross has been looking better each week. His face is nowhere near as distorted. -Mankind took a bodyslam on a chair...or maybe it was a hiptoss...or perhaps a suplex...or it could have been a backdrop...I was too busy typing this sentence to see. -This was a remarkably tame Hardcore match....it stayed right around the ring area. -HHH ran into Mankind from behind....which resulted in Chyna being slammed into the steps. -The Mandible Claw...... -Chyna used the sledge hammer on Foley's sac -Foley rebounded......Chyna ate a sock -The dude holding the Sushi X sign was jumping up and down like a retard...he made a general imbecile out of himself all night....Sushi must be proud. -Sushi X...good Lord....I can't believe there's a guy running around named Sushi X.....TWO guys in fact, from what I heard. -:) -I feel like such a fag right now for making that :) faces. -By the way...yes, I DID see those TWO Mancow signs...I'll get to that moron in a second -While Chyna was munching on Foley's sock...HHH came up from behind and nailed Foley's knee with the sledgehammer. OUCH -WWF Officials charged in....Foley took off his mask....possibly due to the extreme agony. -HHH and Chyna left.....than ran back in...chased away the WWF Officials..and worked on Foley's leg some more -Then the Rock ran out and chased them away. -commercials -Two days ago, Howard Stern played a tape where one of his Interns asked that MTV idiot Jesse Camp "why he acted like such a FU&*^%G retard" (that was the exact quote)...that kind of straightforward, brutally honest, and brutally funny comedy is why Mancow....who is nothing more than an announcer with a deep voice and a frantic "I'm so cool" delivery will NEVER...and I mean F'K'N NEVER be as great as Stern. I have never heard Mangirl do a bit that Stern didn't already do.....only funnier. -Aw the Hell with it...I'M funnier than Mancow....and I NEVER compliment myself like that. -Aw..the Hell with it part 2....ZIMMERMAN is funnier than Mancow! -Aw...F-It.....SEAN F'K'N SHANNON IS FUNNIER THAN MANCOW! (Unintentionally....when "Slymm" ((sheesh)) TRIES to be funny...it's a disaster) -during the break...we see Mick being helped out of the ring -Backstage, Foley is being carted away in an Ambulance -The Undertaker comes out. -Austin comes out...rolls into the ring -And rolls right back out.....PUSSY!! -Oh wait...he just wanted to wrap UT's legs around the ring post....he ain't no pussy -It's all Austin...lots of punches -It's outside again...Austin takes a backdrop on the concrete -Back in the ring...it's Austin again -UT finally takes control -Back outside.... -back inside...it's all UT -UT crosses his throat with his thumb....Tombstone time -Ross, "COULD THIS BE THE END OF STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN????" (oh...give it rest Droopy..for Pete's sake!!!) -NO!!!! It's a Stunner!!! Austin goes for the PIN!!! -Bearer yanks out the ref.....Austin gives bearer what for. -The Bossman rans in.....followed by the Corporate Misery -Austin is banged around......then is held against the ropes -UT faces the entranceway and kneels -The lights dimmed.... -Lawler claims that he can "Feel him" Ross mumbles that he hasn't felt a thing since last Christmas -Someone in a Brown robe comes out...so we at least know the Higher Power's religion. -The Higher power hits the ring...looks at Austin...and peaks open his hood so Austin can see the face....Austin makes mean faces. -IT'S GOLDBERG!!!!!!! IT'S GOLDBERG!!!!!!! ALL THE PIECES FIT NOW!!!!!! -No..screw that....IT'S SHAWN MICHAELS!!!!!!!!! IT'S SHAWN MICHAELS!!!!!! -Maybe -WAIT!!!!! IT'S THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!!! THAT BASTARD!!!! -Well...he IS unpredictable after all -NO!!! IT'S TERRY TAYLOR!!!!! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TRUST THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!! -One thing's for sure...whoever it is...his last name isn't "Hart" -The show ends. This part of the column ends too. Chris Hyatte
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