Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of the June 5 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte So okay. If you don't care much for the Nitro recap, I still encourage you to zip on down to the Re-posted Closer, I still say it's the best damn closer I've ever produced for you. I think you will agree. Russo went to soft sell route this week (trans: He didn't trash RAW sight unseen) and promised that the Nitro alternative will have "11 Pay Per View Quality Segments". Now, I'm not sure if any other Recapper did this and who cares if they DID? They ain't the King, dammit! I'm going to rate each segment and we'll see if he told the truth. Or maybe I won't and I'll just half-ass my way through this after the first 15 minutes... like I usually do. Let's get going. NITRO (or: WCW and Hollywood... again!) opens with the END of "Loaded Weapon" (I watched the replay this week)... never saw the movie... not moving Heaven and Earth to rectify that either, but DAMN there are a s-load of guest appearances in there. The Hell is Bruce Willis doing in there? -The film was dedicated to the memory of Charles S. Owens. Leave it to TNT to somehow find and way to work an Owen death reference somewhere on Monday night... rat jap bastards. -WCW Symbol. I've run out of things to say about it. I know, it's never stopped me before, but enough's enough. -opens with footage of how Tank Abbott's taunting, Tank Abbott's assault of innocent WCW Employees (Bob Ryder = Innocent? Oh let's NOT even TRY to kid ourselves), Tank Abbott's cockiness, and a Brink's Truck full of money was all it took to lure Goldberg out of seclusion. -well come on, you think there is a Knight on this planet who would fight for the Honor of Maid Madden? -earlier today, Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner arrived in Atlanta. Tony Schiavone's voice tells us that TONIGHT our waiting is OVER (you mean I'm finally getting a crack at Kaitlen Ashley?)!! TONIGHT... the return of GOLDBERG!!!! (So who was the guy last week? AUSTIN???? HAS AUSTIN REJOINED WCW?? IS THAT THE BIG SIGNING???? MY GOD ALLMIGHTY!!! THIS IS PHENOMENAL!!!! -heh, Rick Steiner wears a Fag Bag... heh heh heh haahahahaa wotta doofus. -opening theme, if that's what you want to call it. -Tony welcomes us to the Phillips Arena in Atlanta GA, WCW has come back to the Promise Land... WCW has come back... home. -of course, if I shared my home with John Rocker, the poorest Ghettos, and Filthy Rich Old White Southerners who would do the Tango on their Momma's graves if it would help reinstate Slavery... I wouldn't be crowing so loudly... but that's just me. -of course (2) I come from the town where someone called Faarooq a "Darky", but do you hear me crowing? Noooooooo -The show kicks off with an appearance by Eric Bischoff. Tony swears that the entire building is on it's feet waiting the arrival of Goldberg. It's on it's feet? It can walk? It can run? It can DESTROY??? OH MY GOD!!! THE PHILIPS BUILDING IS ALIVE!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!! -stupid... I know. Ahh shaddup. -Bischoff walks out, leading the path (that's a first, both literal AND figurative) for a mess of R&B Security folks (Yes, but can they SWING??) -He enters the ring and has a mic. He does his Brother Love impression (has anyone thought to point this out to him? Brother Love did this ENTIRE "I Love You" schtickla ten years ago! Almost verbatim. -Madden claims to "feel the love"... that's probably just a clogged artery. TOO MANY CHEETOHS!!!!! -Eric welcomed us to the "Empire that Eric Built" (would that be the Empire that draws 2's across the boards? Would that be the Empire that now guys like Ryder have to scream about "West Coast ratings being ignored" and "antiquated Nielson systems" much like WWF dicks like me screamed about for the first 100 weeks? WELCOME TO DESPERATION CITY BOYS!!! POPULATION: YOU) -Oh, Vince Russo was there too. Didn't even see him. -Eric immediately made up a story as to why Liz and Lex Luger weren't going to be there tonight. No, the words "Hissy" and "fit" did not come into play. -Eric ran down the big matches for tonight. Steiner and Vampiro for starters. Then Kevin Nash will run something called the "New Blood Gauntlet", and if he loses... he loses his shot at the WCW belt on Sunday... AND none of those Millionaires has better interfere. Or he'll STILL lose the shot. (Right... and this is the belt that was owned by David Arquette? Oh I'm SURE Nash is anxious to get the gold and live the DREAM.) -Bischoff also said that Jarrett will be working tonight against Sting for the title. Okay, this is certainly a loaded show. If it's not loaded with screwjobs... we might be onto something. -After saying "You're Welcome" to the crowd, who were no doubt DIZZY from these announcements (not to mention B.O. Atlanta is too damn HOT to have so many tank topped guys with beer bellies jammed into one building), Bischoff handed the mic to Vince Russo. -Vince vainly tried to egg the crowd into calling him those cool names McMahon always get called. I wonder how long it takes before he mentions that he's from "Nu Yawk"? -4 seconds... 3 and a half really, but I'll round it off. -Russo claims to have been FORCED out of New York to Atlanta... where he now is constantly surrounded by "a sea of Horn Yakkers" just like you people. -Hang on... let me consult my "Names to Piss Off the Rednecks" Thesaurus to get the definition here... nope... Russo's flying solo here. -Then he issued a personal challenge to John Rocker for the sins of personal expression. -Then he dared the crowd to start chanting "A-hole" -Then he begged the crowd to start chanting "A-hole" -Then he started offering money to the crowd to start chanting "A-hole" -Then he offered his Daughter up to the first person to start a chant of "A-Hole" -Then he asked the Sound guy if they can get a copy of any recent RAW where McMahon caught a chant of "A-Hole". -In case you're wondering... the deal is that I can write it ONLY when it's heard on TV. Which may sound weird, but is STILL much better than all the xxxxx's I had to deal with at the old place. Remember those? -God... does Russo have the widest mouth on TV? He can bite and hold a basketball. -Finally realizing that the crowd isn't going to play, Russo points to the cage up high (I was waiting for one of the Announcers, Madden being the odds on favorite, to dumbly say, "Cage? Oh! WOW!") and said that he will take on Ric Flair there... and Flair had best forget about the brain "aneurysm" and start thinking about "brain damage". Ooo, how witty! -Eric has the mic back, he calls Russo a genius AND an inspiration... thusly, he promised to take on Terry Funk HIMSELF and finally get the Hardcore belt away from him. -Finally, (and very quickly... time must be running out), Eric had something to say to Goldberg. They might have been friends in the past but (pause as Eric tells the crowd to "quiet down"... even though I heard someone fart in section 28G... waaaay up there... IT'S ALL PROPAGANDA!!! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS????) -Goldberg and Eric were always friends (weak chant of "GOLDBERG"... Tony ominously states, "It has begun!" Chant dies), and he understands that GB has bizness with Tank Abbott... but Eric advises him to quickly pack his bags and leave WCW after the Abbott job is finished... because he mucked with "New Blood" business last week, and that isn't Kosher! (ooo, Eric knows how to reach the guy) -Goldberg is backstage, stomping around and looking for his motivation for his anger. (What? You think his constant rage is REAL? He's just being THEATRICAL!!) -GB sees what is transpiring on live TV, which was Eric eventually threatening suspension should the mucking around continue, and Russo getting mouthy and saying "You don't want to know me, because you've never messed with a New Yorker before, PUNK!" (All those wins and none against one New Yorker? Sort of makes him PUSSY doesn't it?) -Of course, Tony was like "OH MY GOD!!! HE JUST CALLED GOLDBERG A PUNK!!!" (uh oh... Russo's DEAD during Recess!) -We see Goldberg watching the TV as Russo promises to "get up in you" if he gets in his face. Goldberg yells "WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?" at the TV Set. Yes, he actually yelled at the TV Set. -HE YELLED AT THE TV SET!!!!!!! -Russo said, "SPEAR THIS" and crotched chopped the camera. The camera did the old "Ed Sullivan" trick where it only caught Russo from the waist up... because to watch his gyrations would make the Teenyboppers SWOON! -Goldberg stormed out... presumably to ask Eric how he can fit into that little TV box? -B & R cleared out. B & R stayed in to get tuned on. You know what I mean. -Bret Hart's gets migraines, dizziness, and nausea because Goldberg closed his eyes and kicked out blindly into his head. Goldberg closed his eyes and kicked out blindly into the faces of a pair of Security guys. I hope he kills one of them and the family sues him for EVERY SINGLE PENNY HE'S EVER EARNED!!!!! HE DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT ANYONE BUT HIMSELF!!! ESPECIALLY YOU PEOPLE!! -oh, he cares about your dollars. Which is why he makes great art like "Universal Soldier Two" -a wave of more Security folks ran out... they stopped short of going into the ring. Madden says that no one in the city can taker Goldberg. I bet Evander Holyfield can. -The Announcers spend the rest of the segment telling us how lucky we are. -The segment ends. SEGMENT #1... NOT PPV QUALITY -commercials -footage of what just happened... because it was THAT DAMN SPECIAL!!! -Backstage, Eric was screaming at Russo about infuriating Goldberg. Jarrett walked in and bitched about working tonight. Eric tells Jarrett just to picture a set of titties on Sting and WHAM... he's fighting Chyna again. Jarrett thought about it, said "That could work" and walked off. -Kidman walked in with Torrie and said that he's tired of Horace playing grabass. Eric told him that Horace was dropped on his head a lot as a child. Torrie piped in "Oh? Me TOO!!" Eric told her to go stand in a circular room and not come out until she finds a corner. Torrie walks off. -Western Union is sponsoring this. Didn't the advent of the ATM machine render Western Union sort of useless? When will WCW pick up the Pony Express as a sponsor? -Some Race Car Driver is in the House. I thought they were all named either "Dale" or "Cole"? Wasn't that a requirement? -"PerfectShawn" and "MainEvent" come out. This is what happens when you overload the Kyron with these long ass names. -When did they become tag team champs? -And whose push got tossed aside faster? The Harris Brothers or Kurt Angle? Take a nice long bong hit and discuss. -Ahh... we see that Perfect/Event won the belts from Chronic on "Thunder" last week. Tony says that "Thunder" was run by Ernest Miller last week. I would hope that NOBODY watched "Thunder" last week based on general PRINCIPLE. -Chronic came out. Two big guys who were named for no other reason than so Russo can sneak in some adolescent pot references. Like when Van Hagar named their second-to- last album, "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge"... just to get the kids giggling in the Boys Lav. -Chronic were really BLUNT with the champs. They truly SMOKED them. The HITS just kept on coming. Then Miller came out like a little ROACH. Meanwhile, Adams had Stasiak set for a powerBOMB, but took a CLIP in the face by a Palumbo foot... my God, it IS fun... hee hee hoo hoo haa haa heh heh haaaa... -The tag champs worked Adams over a little, but he eventually tagged in Clarke. Clarke cleaned house a while. Then all four started fighting outside. Miller ran into the ring and started bitching to the Ref. Then Miller put the Ref in a CrossFace Chicken Wing and made him count everyone out... which is sort of his JOB anywa... oh right... "relaxed rules"... because the FANS demanded it... even though I have a few fans... and they've NEVER told me that they were contacted by WCW. Lord knows I was never contacted... and I NEVER bitched about the tight rules. I was just happy they killed that silly Over the Top Rope DQ that saved Flair's ass through much of the 80's. -And that "Using the Top Rope is Banned" crap... from the mind of Ole Anderson. -So, everyone was counted out. Miller stayed in the ring and ran down the "Country Ass Crackers"... why does he stick out his lower lip like that? -Chronic grabbed Miller, but Perfect/Event made the save. Miller ran and Stasiak took a beating. Adams is an Ex Convict. Stasiak was caught taping people. That qualifies as being a RAT. You know what Convicts think of RATS!! I am going nowhere with this. -Backstage, Kidman was lecturing Torrie on what an embarrassment to the sport she is. (here, HERE!!!) Major Gunns stepped in and told Kidman to leave her alone. Kidman got in her face and said, "Mind your own business, you Dumb BITCH!!" Gunns stepped away in near tears. Kidman told Torrie to stay until he finished his match, then they will continue this chat. He left. Torrie moaned, "Oh my GOD!" Being in a relationship with an ANGEL... I officially DISSAPROVE OF THIS AND CALL FOR WCW TO REVIEW IT'S CURRENT ON AIR TREATMENT OF THE FAIRER SEX!! THIS IS A NEW CENTURY, PEOPLE!! ISN'T IT TIME WE ALL WISED UP?? -unofficially, I have a hardon the size of Florida right now. -Elsewhere backstage, Pam Pollshock catches up with Kevin Nash, who just arrived with Scott Steiner and the Hoo... the Hoo... his women (friggin' subconscious). She asks "Busy Eyes" Kevin about this Gauntlet... he wasn't all that worried. He seemed more pleased that he was the last one in the building tonight. So, if Hogan pulls up in that "cool" car of his... we can once again laugh at WCW's shoddy production team that has had 5 years to practice this? -SEGMENT #2... NOT PPV QUALITY (I doubt anyone would argue with me when I say that Ernest Miller does NOT belong anywhere NEAR a PPV) -commercials -Backstage, a teary eyed Major Gunns rats out Kidman to her little group. GI Bro steps in and says that tonight's mission is to search out Billy Kidman and "kick his ass". Seeing Booker T parade around like that makes ME teary eyed. -Backstage, Nash and Goldberg chat on. I smell a Heel turn. -G.I. Bro comes out with the rest of the Misfits as Madden announces that there is "no crying in Wrestling" Except for that brief period on Tuesday, when the ratings come in. -Maybe Booker is wearing camouflage so he can hide from the Atlanta Black Community who are no doubt quite disheartened by all this? -G.I. Bro gets on the mic and dares that Female terrorizing Kidman to come on out there and get a little... "suckaa". (If he starts saying, "DY-NO-MITE" I will write to McMahon PERSONALLY and BEG him to buy out Booker's contract). He might have added that this will be a "Boot Camp Match", I was too busy weeping. -Kidman comes out with the Filthy Animals. Kidman says that if it's a "War you want, then it's a War you get!!" They charge. -Well, let's see... a Black Guy fighting a Jewish Guy at Ground Zero of the Deep South. You NEED me to point out fundamentally HORRIBLE truths like this. -This "Boot Camp Match" looks quite a bit like a "Lumberjack" match. But that might be nit-picking. -GOOD side leg kick by Bro -GOOD top rope running Bulldog by Kidman. -GOOD comment by Madden about how Hogan must be "sweating like a Nitro Girl at a Spelling Bee". Can Madden spell "Cholesterol"? -GOOD Scissorkick followed up by a "Spinerooni", which Madden didn't point out. I did. Jim is my friend... and his talent is being WASTED. -Bro had Kidman "tied up" in the corner (he was sitting on the second ropes) Bro invited Gunns into the ring. Torrie Wilson stepped in too. Kidman went to her. She dropped to one knee and crotched Kidman. The crowd cheered. -ugh... *sigh*...BRAVO!!!! BRAVO!!! CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!! BRAVA!!! BRAVISIMO!!! -*ack* -G.I. Bro is there to hit the pin. It broke down into a brawl... naturally. -TORRIE'S GOING TO GO WITH HORACE NOW??? OH NO!!!! -Backstage, Tank is prepping. -Backstage. Miller is giving Bischoff a pep talk about working a Hardcore Match. Miller, of course, being the MASTER! -SEGMENT #3: PPV WORTHY!!! (why not?) -commercials -Terry Funk came out with a chair and the Hardcore belt. Scott Hudson claims that Funk's HC match with Vampiro last week might have been "The Most Brutal Hardcore Match of ALL TIME" WHAT??????? MAYBE IT'S TIME TO GET A NEW BOUNTY GOING???? -Eric Bischoff comes out. If he puts himself over tonight, he's back to being "Uncle Eric" -The Bell rings and Ernest Miller attacks Funk. Funk goes down. Eric is handed a pair of Nunchakus and gives a demonstration of his badness (LOVE HIM!!! RESPECT HIM!!!) -Tony reminds us that Miller teaches Bischoff's Son, Karate. I take FULL credit for that. -Meanwhile, Funk gets up, grabs a trash can, and knocks Miller down and out of the ring. Bischoff hits the can with the Nunchakus a few times. Funk hits Eric on the head. Eric does one of his patented "Pause So We Can All Imagine the Tweety Birds Flying Around His Head" freezes, then goes down. Miller grabs Eric and runs away with him. Funk chases. -The Announcers get face time. I'd rather stare at Funk's ass. -Ms Handcock comes out. Madden says "Snootchie Bootchies". If I ever meet him, I'm spitting in his face. -She gets right to dancing. It's like, her face is a freshly washed chalkboard. There is NOTHING remarkable about it. -Kimberly come out with Mike Awesome. Now HERE'S a remarkable face. Awesome is very, very handso... well no he isn't, and I can't lie for a joke... not even a bad one. -Seriously, Kimberly has a face that I would LOVE to come across one day. Meet her, shake her hand... you know... like that. -HAW! I kill me. -Kimberly is wearing a skirt with a double split all the way up t her hips. Handcock... sorry, I'll write it like the Announcers say it... HandCOCK is SO outclassed. -She starts in on how this is all about her and her spotlight... and invited her to leave the ring and witness how a REAL star does the job (Funny, I thought the Pages have problems with "jobbing"?) -Kimberly also told HandCOCK that the "Businesswoman/Stripper look went out in ‘93. Madden agreed that she has the date right. Of course, at the time Madden was writing columns about how WCW is one, colossal, F-Up. ‘93 was also a very important time for Kimberly... she had turned 30. -Ms. HandCOCK turned her back. Kimberly whacked her with her clipboard. I've seen Flies zoom away laughing after getting hit with one of those. -That didn't stop the Announcers from acting like Kimberly just sodomized the poor girl with a Garden Weasel... (Hmmm... better make a note to get one of those before Friday Night.) -Kim and Awesome left. Ms HandCOCK grabbed a mic and told Kim to "get her fat ass BACK in the ring". Kim was shocked... SHOCKED I TELL YA'. -She denied having a fat ass. Ms HandCOCK assured her that it was true. Kim said that she's going to go in there and give her a Fat LIP (with those Moonpie cheeks, nobody will notice). Then she said she'll do it "later" and walked off with Awesome. Angles blends smoothly into one another as.. -Funk and Bischoff come out from the back, still fighting. Terry dumped Eric in a Wheelbarrow and pushed him to the ring. Miller came out, but he went down. -Funk tuned on Bischoff some more, than grabbed the mic and said that since Eric is so consumed with kicking Funk's "tired old ass", he is going to give him a good, solid look at his "tired old ass", and with that, Funk propped him in the corner and slowly pulled his tights down. -NO!!! NO!!! RUSSO WAS LONG GONE WHEN RIKISHI CAME TO THE WWF!!!! HE DID NOT CREATE THIS!!! MY GOD!!! THE RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!! THOSE BASTARDS!!!!!! -If Russo is so intent on bragging that the WWF is NOTHING without him... then why does he liberate their gimmicks? -Speaking of Russo, he is watching this backstage. He sends the Mamalukes out to "end this". -The Mamalukes come out and do a pretty good job of ending it. Like a moron, Funk stays there and tries to fight them both. He ends up laid out. Bischoff ends up winning. Uncle Eric is BACK!!!! But I can't summon the fury here. This doesn't bother me all that much. -Goldberg is taping up his wrists, his match is at the TOP of the HOUR. (Hmm, I wonder what the possible significance is there? Why would the Announcers be so intent on keeping us around for the Top of the Hour?) -Steiner is coming out. Stay tuned for poetry so ridiculous... it almost qualifies as "Avant-garde" -SEGMENT #4: NOT PPV WORTHY (Mamalukes? Miller? BISCHOFF?) -commercials -Hey! Order the "Great American Bash" and win a HULKSTER RAFT!! Order the show live AND the replay and Brutus Beefcake will row it for you. -Ric Flair pulls up in a Limousine with his Wife and Son. Which means Kevin Nash is NOT the last to arrive. THIS SHOW HAS HAD 5 YEARS TO PERFECT THEIR CRAFT!!! ERRORS LIKE THIS SHOULD NOT BE ACCEPTABLE!!!!! -Scott Steiner come out with his Hoo..*sigh*.. Girls. We'll just bypass Steiner's rhetoric, mostly because it's almost painful to hear him recite those lines as if they were written on the back of his hand. -Vampiro comes out with a Gas can. The Announcers PROMISE us that come GAB, someone is GOING to get baked to a crisp. (Well, maybe at the Post-show Afterparty) -They lock up, Steiner goes on the Power trip. Tossing the little Cucharacha around. -Vampiro uses his speed the deadly aim of his Educated Feet to get a little. -It goes outside, and Steiner gets it back. -Steiner uses a chair a few times, then bodyslams Vamp onto the Announce table, it doesn't break, but it caves a little. Tony's mic goes out. Hudson's mic goes out. Madden is left alone. Sweet Jesus No! -Vampiro shakes off the bodyslam. Tony and Hudson cradle him in their arms. (HOMOS!!) -Hudson gets back on air, and cuts himself off mid-sentence by saying, "I don't know if Vampiro may have been injured right here on our ann... Oh God!!" As Steiner comes back around the table looking for more. -Vampiro fights back. Tony is back on mic just in time to remind us for the third time in 45 seconds that Goldberg was next. -It gets back into the ring. Steiner attempts a (sort of) top rope Belly to Belly Overhead Suplex, but Vamp knocks him down. -Vampiro goes for the Blowtorch. Is it too late to mention that he had brought a Blowtorch with him along with the Gas can? -One of Steiner's Hoo... *exasperated sigh* Girls dive on him form the top rope. He goes down, but rolls back up. He picks up the can and the torch and goes toward her. -She slips out of the ring and walks up the ramp. He stalks her. He pours Gas here and there for effect. -HE'S GONNA DO IT!!! HE'S GONNA BURN HER ALIVE!! YEE... no... YEEAA... grr... NO... YEEEAARR... no, no, NO... this... is... (doitdoitdoit)... not... RIGHT. -Sting comes out and bonks him on the head with his bat. THANK GO(dammitall)D!!!! -With the Sting assist, Steiner easily won with his Recliner move. R&B Security came out, but were no help at all. -Tank is ready. Are you? -SEGMENT #5 PPV WORTHY!!! -commercials -Tank Abbott comes out. -Goldberg comes out wit al the accouterments. Chants are piped in. Cops are there for no apparent reason. -He goes through his Fireworks wall. -... -... -... -... -... Oh, I'm just thinking about whether I should do it. -Oh... F-it. For old time's sake. -As he makes his way to the ring, he spots a young black child watching him with tears running down his face. He lumbers over to him and asks, "What's wrong little man?" The Boy's Mother runs over and says, "Oh Mr. Goldberg... my boy, he is suffering from an extreme case of Bell's Palsy! He can't move his face one inch... he can't even smile!! Lord A'Mighty, it's so bad he can't even move his NECK!! Can you help me boy, Mr. Goldperson please sir?" Goldberg smiled gently at the lad and his Mom laid one meaty paw on the boys face... and closed his eyes. A warm glow emanated from his hand. His face erupted in a rash of tics and... err... tics. The Glow grew brighter and brighter, until it WASHED OVER THE CROWD IN A SYMPHONY OF BRIGHT LIGHTS!!! -Goldberg removed his paw. The boy stared straight ahead... SLOWWLY moved his head east. SLLLLOWLY moved his head west. He raised his head up to meets Goldberg's eyes, and smiled the biggest, bestest smile you've ever seen! The Mother went berserk, "OH THANK YOU MISTER GOLDBERG!!! YOU CYRED MY SON, YOU CURED MY SON!!!" The she looked at her boy and said, "Now Duane, what do you say to the nice white man? -Duane jerked his head left, jerked his chin down, raised a big ol' eyebrow, looked at Goldberg and said, "Hey JEWbrony... I want you to take your Minora, shine it up real nice, AND SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!!!!!!!" -Smoke ERUPTED from Goldberg's eyes. he grabbed the punk, grabbed his Mother, turned HER upside down, shined the brat up real nice, shoved HIM up HER candy ass, and punted them both OUT of the Building and STRAIGHT DOWN PEACHTREE ROAD!! They landed somewhere in Buckhead. -Then GB hit the ring. An AUTHENTIC (I think) chant of "GOLDBERG" came out. The match was on. -Tank swung first and hard, GB ducked and kicked him in the face. Hart should sue him too. -Tank goes for grappling. GB fights him off and throws him down. -Rick Steiner runs in with a chair and the dumbest hat I've ever seen. He uses the chair. Incredibly, GB sells it. -Tank steps on GB's chest. The Ref counts. GB's up at two -The double team continues. Nash comes out. FROM THE SEATS!!! -Nash is there. He gets Steiner out. Tank gets speared. -Tank gets Jackhammered. -Tank gets pinned. -Let's face it, Bullsh*t match, but oddly in character -SEGMENT #6: PPV QUALITY (yeah... I guess) -commercials -Backstage, Nash and Goldberg are in good spirits. GB took a cut from that chair and orders himself to be stitched. -Pam Pollshock talks to Kimberly. Kim says the show is all about her, then runs down Ms HandCOCK, then tells Pam to go get a new wardrobe. -Jeff Jarrett comes out. -Sting comes out. -No time is wasted, they go right at it. Jarrett with a flurry of punches. -Oh, Sting comes back. Because GOD is on his side! -Tony asks if we can BELIEVE that Sting and Vampiro will be lighting themselves on fire?? (NOPE) -Jarrett uses a chair on the ramp. Hudson says that the return of Goldberg marks "a new day dawning for WCW!" (oh no... OHH NO!!! YOU GUYS HAD YOUR NEW DAY A FEW MONTHS AGO!!!! NOW YOU ARE STUCK WITH IT!!! NO MORE NEW STARTS!!!!) -Sting fights back. Gets a Sunset Flip on Jarrett. Jarrett holds onto the ropes. The Ref kicks his arms away. Jarrett struggles, then punches Sting in the face. Sting is stunned (heh). Jarrett takes a rest. Sting whips Jarrett over and scores the pin. Hey! Sting wins the world title!!! COOL!!! -of course, Sting had GOD on his side/ -Nice switch. You know something? Jarrett is a total LOOOOSER!! -Eric Bischoff is out. He announces that this isn't a title match. Jarrett is the old champ. -Sting says that if this is the case, then Jarrett's going to the GAB in a bodybag. Then he proceeded to make good on his promise. The Announce Table took another blow. -I don't recall reading about how God approves of this ANYWHERE in the Bible. Oh, yeah... that's right. I never read the Bible. -Yup. Sting kicked the crap out of the guy. -SEGMENT #7: PPV QUALITY! (you BET'CHA!) -commercials -Jarrett is being loaded up in the Ambulance. -Speaking of Ambulances, Mike Awesome comes out. he gets on the mic and screws up his speech on how Page is going to go down on Sunday. Has he always had that lisp? Is his REAL last name S... oh maybe not. -Then Awesome introduces Kimberly. Oh LOOK at those Boobies. Kimberly's ain't that bad either (TWICE IN THE SAME COLUMN!!! TWICE WITH THE SAME PEOPLE!!! BOOYAAA!!!) -Ms HandCOCK comes out, and says that she'll fight her, but first Kim has to sign a release stating that she won't sue when her face gets mussed up. Kim laughed, but signed it. -The Announcers wondered who Ms Handcock's mystery partner could POSSIBLY be? The fans, the TV audience, and most the Free Speaking world figured it out. -Page came out. (Whoa? I was thinking Jan Michael Vincent for some dumb reason?) -So now the question is, what was it that Kimberly REALLY signed? -Turns out she signed a paper that nullified that Restraining Order. Tony screamed, "WHAT A SWERVE!!!" He would know. His company EXCELS at swerves. Usually, aimed at the fans. -The match starts with a dance off... which becomes a shoving match. -HandCOCK gets off a few Snap Mares. Then attempts to do that Post Between the Legs thing. (Oh, Kimberly has dealt with worse... I'm sure). -Awesome stops that. HandCOCK slaps him. Awesome gives a look like "Is this bitch serious?" and chases her. -He walks right into a flying Page clothesline. The men fight. -I have to admit. Awesome is paying off. -Page gets worked over. Awesome pulls out a table. He sets it up. Madden announces that he is hungry. -Awesome on the top rope with a Frogsplash. NASTY. -Awesome Powerbombs Page. Then HandCOCK flashes her legs. Awesome stares. Page gives a Diamond Cutter and wins the match. I wonder how much he whined in order to get this win? -Pam Pollshock is in front of Hulk Hogan's locker room and says that Hogan just told her that he will NOT fight his nephew tonight. Oh, we can only pray he isn't lying. -SEGMENT 8: PPV WORTHY!! (actually, I can go either way on this one) -commercials -Bischoff brings out Horace. Eric gets on the mic and says that Jarrett will be A-OK. Then he said that Hulk Hogan will NOT be there tonight. -Horace choked out something, running out of breath mid-sentence... it's actually fun to laugh at him when he does that. -"I WANNA PUT HIM THROUGH A TAABAAack" -Hulk Hogan comes out looking like... well, he looks like he's running the NWO all over again? -He gets on the stick and says that Hulk Hogan will NOT be fighting tonight, but HOLLYWOOD HOGAN WILL BE!!!! (oh brother) -He orders the CAGE to be lowered, because he's feeling BAD!! -He charges the ring and the match is on. -It's a Hell in the Cell set up. JACKOFFS!!! A-HOLES!!! PETTY LITTLE THIEVES!!! -I'll tell you what, the WWF has never... EVER... held a Wargames Match. -*sigh* -Hogan Shmogan, I refuse to work a Horace match. Besides, Kidman was the one who ended up through a table. Thankfully, we were whisked away before "Hollywood" called himself "God". -Ric Flair is backstage with the Wife and Son. "WHOO, WHOO, WHOO russogetswhatscomingtohim WHOO AND WHOO" -Russo is on the phone and yelling at David to get OUT of Traffic and INTO the building. What? Is the Freaknic still going on? (inside Atlanta joke). -SEGMENT #9: NOT PPV QUALITY (HORACE??? yeah right) -commercials -Nash is booting up. -Russo comes out. Look out now, he's going SLEEVELESS!! -Flair come out with his Family. -Everyone's in the cage who is supposed to be in the cage. -It's on. They circled each other. -Headlock by Russo... who does he think he is? Tito Santana? -Nope, he's not gritting his teeth as if the Headlock was the biggest struggle of his life! A Tito specialty. -Flair gets Russo in the corner. The leg goes up and into the crotch. -Russo chops Flair down. Madden celebrates. Flair ain't selling. He's back up. -Flair rips the shirt off and chops away. -Flair with a straight kick in the nuts. -What follows is a solid 5 minutes of Russo getting his ass kicked. -Then David Flair appears from under the ring. Poppa went after him. A little woodshed action took place. I think I heard Ric say, "Is Handcock under there too? Let me smell your fingers!" -Meanwhile, Russo disposed of the Ref is short order and tried to escape. Reid ran over and bit him on the fingers. -I'll be damned! David does that headflip up and over the top rope, he even ran across the apron! Ric even CLOTHESLINED him down. The crowd laughed. I SWEAR, I heard Ric say, "Christ! All these years, I had no idea how stupid that move looks!" -The Announcers, of course, blew off the FUN of the Torch getting passed. -Flair trashed his boy. Russo found a Ladder and set it up in the ring. he climbed up and tapped a part of the roof. the part drops open. Trap door... in reverse. -Flair and Russo are now on TOP of the cage. Not as cool as Foley/UT, but WAAAY better than Piper/Hogan -No crazy bumps, Russo just dropped back down through the trap. -Flair puts Russo in the Figure Four. Russo REFUSES TO GIVE UP BECAUSE HE IS THE BIGGEST HEEL IN THE COMPANY!!! BRING ON GOLDBERG!!!!! -After a LOOONG time in the hold (I thought that move causes instant submission when Flair is a Face?), New Bl... RED LIQUID... as Tony QUICKLY admonishes madden about. It's NOT Blood. NOT Blood. It's New Red Liquid!! -David is back and puts his father in the Figure Four. Russo makes the Ref count as he presses down on Flair's chest. Russo wins. I think Russo will always win. I think Russo is an overrated Douchebag. -Backstage, Nash is chillin' -SEGMENT 10: PPV QUALITY!! (no doubt) -commercials -Nash comes out after a few minutes of Announcer face time. -Russo's music comes on. Disco Inferno comes out first, followed by a Host of new Bleeders. Including a apparently exhausted Russo. Russo has the mic and says that if ANYONE pins Nash tonight, or if ANY ONE of the Millionaires help him, then he loses his title shot. The he orders his boys to get the big guy. -DINF is out first, Nash pins him after a Sidewalk Slam. -Candido eats a boot. Candido and Johnny Da Bull eat Powerbombs. The Ref counts them pinned even though Nash doesn't TOUCH THEM!!! (Oh I HATE THIS COMPANY!!!!!!!!!) -The other Mamaluke gets Powerbombed. Pin with no touching. -Rey Mysterio? Sh'yeah, okay. -Then the bigger guns are out, Awesome, Palumbo, Douglas. -Goldberg is out. -House is cleaned. -Russo is out screaming that Nash was helped by a Millionaire. -Bischoff is out. He says that he'll be suspended at Thunder. Jesus Chow (the Asian Son), why not now?? All it takes is a word? -Goldberg grabs a mic and says that if he gets suspended, then Bischoff will be next. -Tony screams, "GOOODNIIIGHT" -SEGMENT #11 NOT PPV WORTHY (No way. NITRO worthy, but not PPV) -Oh yeah, this Big Announcement? I doubt it's THAT big. (watch, Austin will come out.) Well let's see... 5 of these segments were NOT PPV worthy. 6 of them were. Russo LIED!!!! Still, can't argue with those results. Well, really you can, by why would you? I was fair. Nitro wins. Not even close. Here's the Closer. Can you dig this? Back for a second go round, because I know you kids need ALL the help you can possibly get!!! Okay you little monkeys, this is the moment you've ALL been waiting for....based on YOUR suggestions.....culminated and condensed from HUNDREDS of suggestions....and because you ALL need a little trim in your pitiful little lives....heat up those printers kids.... BUT FIRST.....(heh)...the previous idea here was to list all the SONGS....but I canceled that concept for a few reasons: 1) If you want to be any sort of stud, you're not going to stop mid-groove and change CD's; 2) Any "compilation" tape will make you look like you were planning this....if you REALLY want to look cool, it has to look like these CD's are in your player ALL THE TIME...not just for seducin'; and 3) Trey Conway's head would explode if he had to post the entire laundry list. So if your suggestion isn't on this list, tough tittie. Everything is listed into three categories: THE ALBUMS, ANYTHING BY, AND HONORABLE MENTIONS...I'll explain the third when you get to it. Oh yeah, at least two clowns said to let HER pick the CD's....well, why don't you let HER snip off your nuts and give you a shot of estrogen too while she's at it? P-whipped little suckers. NOW heat up them printers: CD'S TO BANG BY!! ANYTHING BYS (self explanatory I think) Anything from Miles Davis, Orbital, Portished, Prodigy, The Crystal Method, Ben Harper, Goo Goo Dolls, Fuel, Sugar Ray, Leonard Cohen, Sublime, Molly Hatchet, Grand Funk, P-Funk Parliament Funkadelic, Dean "F**KIN" Martin, Barry White, Marvin Gaye (BIG TIME VOTE GETTER), Tom Petty, Melissa Etheridge (homo), Otis Redding, Seal, Prince, Danzig, Cirque du Soleil, and Nine Inch Nails THE ALBUMS (CD's...Cassettes....MP3's.....or even 8 Tracks ((but you might have major problems if you're still using 8 Tracks))) Anything by Garbage, a BONUS addition from me. Shirley Manson's voice is sexy enough to get the mood going and strong enough to give her that feeling of power. I got that Anal I was talking about a few weeks ago because Garbage got her going.. "Shaft" by Isaac Hayes "Gentlemen" by The Afghan Wigs Kid Rock's "Devil Without a Cause" "Mixed up" & "Disintegration" by The Cure "Dazed and Confused" & "The BBC Sessions" by Led Zeppelin (Oy Vey) "Greatest Hits" by Journey "Slowhand" by Eric Clapton "Mr. Smith" by LL Cool J's (Anything by LL really..but hit the "repeat" button on "Doin' It") "II" & "Cooley High Harmony" by Boyz II Men "12 Play" by R. Kelly "Pulse" and "Dark Side of the Moon" by Pink Floyd Al Green's Greatest Hits. "Usher Live" by Usher "Jar of flies" by Alice in Chains "MCMXC" by Enigma "Toward the Within" by Dead Can Dance. "Urban Hang Suite" by Maxwell "Love Deluxe" by Sade HONORABLE MENTIONS (These are either very long songs and at least one suggestions that had the audience split) 2 LIVE CREW (lots of votes...but also lots of people saying that this crap ain't fly. I say this is the sheeeit you want to play when you just feel like grinding away and banging her head against the wall while you're at it!) Charles Mingus's "Cumbia and Jazz Fusion" it's 27 minutes long and runs through a big sections that sounds like jungle tribal s**t...(NOTE that's what the voter said...not me) Indagodanavita (I KNOW I spelled that wrong..) by Iron Butterfly "The End" by the Doors (Morbid...best if played while she's drunk) "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" Meat Loaf (chicks love this crap) "Strokin" by Clarence Carter The 15 minute live version of "Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. They melt on this song. AND FINALLY.....ONE GUY HAD THIS LITTLE PIECE OF ADVICE... "If you are alone with a chick while Elvis Costello's "Alison" is playing and still don't get laid, you might as well turn your penis in." There you go. Everything you need to be the ULTIMATE MACK DADDY, BABY!!!!!! Try them on for size and tell me how it went....and you had BETTER THANK ME FOR THIS!!!!! Well, actually you did when I ran this last time. Others decided to be a moron and send some suggestions AFTER THE FRIGGIN' THING WAS POSTED!!! I cheerfully invited those people to swallow Bleach. By the way, keep them CD's clean. Nothing wrecks the mood more than when the thing starts hiccupping. Think Scaia will thank me for this? Hell NO! He didn't then, he won't now. Name another wrestling web guy who'd do this for you? My point exactly. I rule. This is Hyatte