Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the June 5 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "My Contract's up in 20 months." Kevin Nash, at the Pillman Show. Start the Countdown. BDC is coming home in a Year & 8 months. Hello. I am Chris and this is the Sweep-Up. Which reminds me, if you want to send me a message, PLEASE use my e-mail address. Don't clutter up the ScoopThis mailboard with personal messages to me. The Mailboard should be used for IMPORTANT things, like bad song parodies dedicated to my girlfriend in hopes of getting under my skin, (not even REMOTELY close, nitwit). Which reminds me (part deux), I have NOTHING to do with how this column is posted. Quite frankly, I don't care if it's broken down into 1 or 100 pages. So don't write to me and tell me to "keep it up". I have NOTHING to do with it. Trey does whatever is most convenient for him at the time, and I support that. You Americans are so LAZY with this. Whiny pricks... "WAAAH WAAAH it takes too lonnnng WAAAAHHH". Little Momma's Boys... want me to wipe your F-ing asses too? So what if it takes a few moments to upload a page? So WHAT? How much are you paying for this again? How much am I charging you? Just pretend the pauses are like commercials on TV or something. Stop being such a pack of BABIES!!! Their are children in Indonesia who don't even GET this column!!! [Ed's Note: NoS made the decision not to break down the mop-ups for a couple of weeks because 1. To compensate for the unprecedented high number of pages Hyatte fans had to put up with in the past, 2. The site has been slower than usual lately because of temporary server issues, and 3. Because Chris is still on the job while the rest of us are sipping margueritas in the Hawaiian tropics. Actually, we have slightly better reasons for our temporary absences, but you get the idea. Staying true to my heel editor role, let me state for the record that I, Trey Conway, am against this practice and can't wait 'til we start splitting these babies up in a million little pieces again.] What else? Umm, oh... those F-ing Trailblazers. Maaan... they had it in the PALMS OF THEIR HANDS!! And pissed it all the way. Scottie Pippen just can't take the big pressure. That's why Chicago didn't go anywhere when Jordan retired for a while. Pippen is a CHOKER!!! The irony here is that in the 80's, I LOVED the Lakers. Magic, Worthy, Jabbar, Scott, Cooper... the best 6th man in Laker history. I hated the Celtics with their all white guys. How DARE white guys succeed in basketball! They can't even JUMP!! Now I'm rooting for Bird to take home one more ring... why not? It's perfectly fitting for him to win it against the Laker team. A little Old School in the Age of Iverson. Of course, the Pacers don't have a chance in Hell, but screw it. Go Indiana! Hack that Shaq! He ain't so great. He just wants to win so he can make more horrible movies. Umm... that's it I guess. Not a whole Hell of a lot happened. Everyone's behaving. I don't count on it lasting, but it's nice to NOT discuss other Web Guys and the crazy things they do for a change. This week's Closer is another repeat from a past column. It's a FAIRLY recent one, from roughly 25 columns ago... but trust me when I tell you, it's probably the SINGLE GREATEST CLOSER IN MOP-UP HISTORY!!!!! You will NOT be disappointed, unless the rumors are true and some of you actually DO cut and save these things to your own files. Then you already have it. For those who DON'T though... you will LOVE me for this. Okay then... let's get to it. RAW IS WAR (or: Again?) -opens with footage from last week's "Smackdown"... apparently, all sorts of complications had arisen from that show. I wouldn't know. I didn't see it. I was busy gettin' laid. Can't stand it, can ya'? Booyaaa! -opening theme... eventually... but first... -Backstage shot covering the arrival of Vincent K. McMahon, along with his "posse". That "posse", of course, is Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson. Michael Cole is right there with a microphone. He charges up to Vince and asks if Bischoff's big announcement has ANYTHING to do with his Toupee jumping ship? Vince's jaw drops and rapidly orders Cole to take a drug test. Then he asks Cole just what the HELL did he do to his hair? He chewed up some scenery with his dramatic discourse on the Ego that is Hunter Hearse Helmsley. Then he remembers that he shouldn't be holding his own briefcase, and gives it to Brisco. It's too damn early to wonder what Patterson is in charge of holding. Obviously, it is NOT too early to start the pathetically pitiful jokes, as the previous sentence shows. - "pathetically pitiful"? -NOW we get the opening theme. -Fireworks and lots of them. Fans and lots of them. Many fans are seen standing with their arms out and up with their fists clenched. Yes, Black Power my friends! Racial Solidarity! Kill Whitey!! -Jim Ross tries to get us excited over the fact that there are now THREE #1 contenders for the WWF title. Ignoring the Statistical Impossibility of that claim, I will point out that one of these #1 Contenders is apparently being offered 5 Million to make a movie... which is roughly twice that of David Arquette's current asking price. -Shouldn't Benoit be the automatic #1 contender anyway, seeing how he is the IC champ?? Or has the PWI Family been lying to us all this time? (Don't rub your temples trying to answer THAT question, Stud Monkeys) -One piece of advise for Movie Boy... if the script title is "Universal Soldier 3", burn it and kick you Agent in the nuts for even considering it. Then bang his wife. He'll never insult you again. -Kicking off the show, out comes HH & and little h. WHOA!!! A WWF TITLE MATCH TO KICK OFF THE SHOW!!!! AM I RECAPPING A PAY PER VIEW BY ACCIDENT??? THE WWF IS COUNTERING THOSE WCW HICKS WITH A LOADED SHOW THAT'LL LEAVE SCANT SECONDS OF BREATHJING ROOM IN BETWEEN!!!! THIS IS WHY THEY ARE #1!! THIS IS WHY RAW IS... WAR!!!! -oh... wait... HHH is in civilian clothes... and with a microphone... and with nary a drop of bottled wetness on him. Looks like he's going to spend ten minutes re-arranging the English language by including the soft vowel "a" after each word. -Are you SURE that the guy singing HHH's theme song is saying, "OUR TIIIME"? It sounds a LOT like "LOST TIIIIME, LOST TIIIIIIIIIME"? And wouldn't it be funny if a WRESTLER'S theme song was actually a subtle plea for Unionization? -... -... -... -... err... maybe I should pack it in now? Just quit for the day? -Naah, it's 8:00 am Tuesday. I've already pissed away all night long procrastinating on this thing, (God Bless the Soft Core Porn that is Cinemax... after tonight, I have 3 fresh new stains on my sweatpants) -This is how they are counter-programming the match return of Goldberg? Should be interesting to see how the numbers stack up here. Will WWF Business As Usual result in Ratings as Usual or will we see the first Quarter Hour win in a looong time? Now we will see if Mr. Team Player is REALLY the Uber-Mensch they have you programmed to think he is. -Of course, Stephanie is with him. HHH, that is... not Goldberg. Of course she isn't with Goldberg. Princess Stephanie wouldn't DARE be caught hanging with his "kind". -His "kind" being WCW talent. What did you THINK I meant? -Ross comments about how Stephanie has not been the "fighting champion" with her chick belt. This remark came from absolutely nowhere... out of the clear blue sky. I haven't seen such heavy handed foreshadowing since Mark Waid spent an entire issue of "Captain America" on how much Cap depends on his shield, just so he loses it in the sea at the end. -HHH puts the mic to his lips and advises the crowd not to "keep it shut". He prefaced this by stating that he will only say this only once. Since when did I start writing at a First Grade Retard level? Or have I ALWAYS been like this? -They are in Rochester, New York... by the way. -3H said that "never in the history of the World Wrestling Federation has this championship belt meant so much to so many. Never has this belt been so hotly contested!!" To which, Ross agreed whole heartedly. Umm... 30 men? One ring? Ric Flair? Royal Rumble? Helloooooo? -3H then proceeded to talk up the quality of the belt, and the quality of himself; venturing WELL within copyright infringement by implying that in order to BE the man, you have to BEAT the man, (or, blow the Man... ‘tis a sick, sick world we live in). -Anyone else getting sick of him repeating the same speech over and over again? -QUIET!!! DO NOT ANSWER THAT!!!! Agreeing to that MIGHT lead you to switch to Nitro. Which MAY result in a ratings surge. Which COULD lead to a ratings victory. Which WOULD lead to Bischoff telling Bob Ryder that Vince lost it and he is the greatest thing to happen to wrestling since Dr. Zahorian became the "Official WWF ringside Physician". Which would be the WORSE thing to happen to wrestling since Vince took over the TBS airwaves. -I figure 85% of you have no clue who Dr. Zahorian is. Uneducated, uninformed MARKS!!!!!! LEARN A LITTLE HISTORY, PEOPLE!!!! RESPECT THE PAST!!!! -HHH announced that Kane, The Rock, and the Undertaker are ALL number one contenders, but he's cool with that. Because "competition turns him on!" (as does WAY TOO masculine looking body builders named Joanie) -HHH then said, "I'll tell you what turns me off..." (WAIT!!! Let me guess... shady photographers who refuse to sell the negatives? Farm Animals with poop stuck to the hair around their chutes? Douchebag recappers who keep hinting at these cryptic events from young and foolish past? WCW Live?) -No.. EGOS is what turns him off. Big, Huge, Inflated EGOS. NOTHING turns him off more. -HHH says that he MIGHT have a big Ego, he might have the "Biggest Ego on the Planet" (WHAT? Oh I think Diana Ross might have something to say about that. Or Paul Thomas Anderson... "Magnolia" being the single biggest pretentious piece of Donkey excrement to ever appear in a cineplex... EVER!), but he doesn't. No, the BIGGEST Ego on the planet belongs to the man who likes to brag about the size of his Grapefruits, who is also Chairman of the WWF, and who is Stephanie's dad. -Just as HHH started to discuss how perhaps him and his wife taking over the company a few months ago wasn't that bad an idea... (Jesus, I DO write like a retard) -Vincent K. McMahon steps out. Has he always walked like that? He walks like my Mother used to after Dad hit the Witch Hazel and got a little "randy", as he liked to call it. Many a Friday night I fell asleep to the words, "Oh Jerry, could you smear a LITTLE Crisco on the Pool Cue this time?" -Vince hits the ring and SNATCHES the Microphone out of HHH's hand. The crowd chants, "ASSHOLE". Vince asks if HHH hears what they are calling him. Ross thinks the chant is aimed at all three. I think it's aimed at ME, but I also stay up all night convinced that people are in the trees watching me. -Vince says that he is a firm believer in the "Laws of the Jungle", whereas the "Bigger and Stronger will eat the Smaller and Weaker" (Lace her drink enough and she won't even remember... God Bless Modern Chemistry. Oh dear... that was cruel and sadistic and... and totally unnecessary. I apologize fully and unreservedly. Oh, I'm leaving it in, but trust me, I'm doing it under a LOT of personal protest!) -Vince reminded Hunter that his career is where it is because of TWO things... #1: He entered the World Wrestling Federation under Vince's Tutelage and Guidance and #2: He married Vince's daughter, Stephanie. Of course, getting his face OUT of that WCW partnership with Steve Regal and IN the buttocks of Nash, Hall, and Hickenbottom probably helped move things along too. -Vince said that HHH's ‘real" time MAY come... or it may not... just so long as he remembers... Vince MADE him, and Vince can BREAK him. (or he can jump to WCW... like everyone else these days. Rat bastards... BRING BACK BLACKBALLING!!! LET'S GET SOMEONE BANNED FOR LIFE!!!!) -HHH snatched the mic out of Vince's hands and said that Vince may be the "Frankenstein" who made the Monster, but the Monster can now take over any time he wants. (WHOA!!! Did he just call Vince a Jew?) -They faced off closely. Then Hunter shoved Vince back by pushing his face. Vince tore off his jacket. HHH said "You wanna go? You wanna GO, Old Man?" The crowd pops. I swear, these people will cheer or boo Vince on the turn of a Dime. -The circle each other. Then Shane McMahon runs out and stops them. HE gets on the mic and tells them both to relax. He accuses them both of rampant Egotism, stopping for a sec to acknowledge that the crowd was calling him a "pussy". -HHH shoves HIM. Shane says that if that's the way they want to be, maybe the "Giant Killer" should proceed to kill a pair of "Giant Egos"? So HE calls them on. -Vince and Hunter floor him. Stephanie has seen enough. She slaps Vince, slaps HHH, and slaps Shane. Shane has the NERVE flay back like he was just blasted with a lead pipe. Paul Wight can't hurt him for more than 3 seconds, his 130 pound sister (and that's AFTER she poops) can send him flying. -The Rock comes out. He stands at the entranceway looking thoroughly disgusted with all this. "Can't they put a rush on ‘The Mummy 3'? Every week I'm on this dumb ass show my market value sinks faster than a lead fart!" -Rocky has a mic, suddenly, I'm wondering if maybe I put in an OLD tape instead of a fresh one. We've SEEN this scenario before! -Rocky, apparently, could give a crap if he's back in Rochester... because he didn't say that he was finally back. GOOD... F-them. Probably all closet WCW fans anyway. -He doesn't say ANYTHING cool anymore. Whatever happened to "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT..."? Or "Do you like Pancakes?"? Or "You think you IMPRESS the Rock when just a few months ago you were fighting some Jabronie named...JUVENTUD???" WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT COOL STUFF? -I'll tell you what happened, all that cool stuff is currently in WCW rifling through Ric Flair's Mansion. -Man, that "Juventud" line was the best ever. It was so cool that the little Dick STILL milks it. -Rocky gets on the stick and claims NOT to see a Family feud involving the Owner of a Multi-Million Dollar Company and the WWF champion. What the Rock sees are three of the "Steamiest, Stinkiest, Pieces of Monkey crap that ever... yadda yadda $2 Slut yadda yadda". -Then he said that since he is the #1 contender, he can either go in the back, relax, and wait until Hunter is ready to face the "Great One"... AGAIN... orrrr -He starts walking to the ring, he can get into the "People's Ring" (commie bastards) and get this thing off now!! -He's halfway down when we get an Orange Explosion... MY GOD!!! MIKE ROTUNDO IS BACK IN THE WWF!!!!! IRS IS HERE AND THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!!!!! -because... err... Rotundo is from Syracuse and... Orangemen... upstate New York and all... I just thought... best I could think of... I just suck... I know... f-me -Kane is out. Now he's talking. Percy Pringle's back to selling Used Cars in Knoxville. -Kane tells Rocky that he's wrong, Kane is the #1 contender and Kane will be fighting HHH tonight. -The Undertaker comes out and basically runs through the exact same speech with the exception of two things. #1: He's happily gnawing on a big wad of chaw, letting the occasional gob of brown spit fly. (GOD BLESS THE BASTARD!!!! I HOLD UP MY CAN OF COPENHAGEN IN HIS HONOR!!!!) and #2 He starts off by saying, "In all my years here, I don't think I've ever seen quite so many assholes gathered in one place!" Now, I find it hard to believe that after TEN YEARS, he has never been to even ONE of Patterson's legendary "Fourth of July Clambakes"? (God Bless Pat, man... how many times has he saved my column?) -All three were not even close to being in the vicinity of looking like they were about to charge the ring when Vince grabbed the mic again and asked them if all three wanted a title shot. If Russo was still around, one of them would have undoubtedly gotten on the stick and said, "Well DU-UH!!" Instead, they just looked at him motionless, except for the UT, who worked over that dip... YEAAH!!!! LET'S ALL DIP UNTIL OUR TONGUES FALL OFF!!!!!! -Vince announced that all three shall have a Triple Threat Match, and the winner gets a shot at HHH tonight... right here in Rochester! Maybe it's just the nature of seeing this show week after week but... I just can't get excited over this. -Of course, Ross has no such problem. He cheerfully registers his amazement at these developments as he shoves us into the night's first batch of piping hot... -commercials. "Shaft" is coming. Black people will flock to it. White people will stay away because Black people are flocking. We are very, very intimidated. -Well, okay... Quentin Tarantino will show up. -Too Cool comes out with Rikishi. Could this guy POSSIBLY be the Tonga Kid from way back? -Trish Stratus brought out T & A & Val Venis... who ingratiated himself in this group now... because obviously, the 6 Man tag team scene is RED HOT BABY!!!!! -Val is a "retired" porn star, I guess. Get him banging Stephanie and this show would light up!! THEY ARE PISSING AWAY EVERYTHING RUSSO EVER DID FOR THIS GUY!!!!! -Things start off with Albert and Brian Christopher (no heterosexual male has any business referring to him in a column as "Grand Master Sexay"... I don't CARE if it's his name... some things are just not permissible by Male Law, dammit). -Christopher loses his cap, he quickly picks it up and puts it back on. At least Hogan doesn't do that with his do-rag. For God's sakes. -Lawler pokes a little fun by mentioning Albert's head size to Ross, who made a semi-big deal about it last week. Ross rolled with it. -Albert swings a standing clothesline. Christopher ducks. Albert swings another one the other way. Christopher takes it on the back of his head. Christopher goes down. This is a strong dude. -Venis is tagged in. So is Rikishi. He cleans house. Val ends up sitting down in the corner. Rikishi slaps his cheeks. You know... from what I've been told, this isn't all that far from how REAL Porn Guys actually break into the business. Of course, I can't tell you WHO told me that, but I CAN say his name rhymes with the words "Bitch Gin Gay See" -T & A break it up and corner Rikishi. Then Val joins in. -Albert tries to Sunset Flip over Rikishi. Rikishi sits down on his chest. Albert will not be creating that Perpetual Motion machine anytime soon. -'Kishi tags in Christopher and he does what he does. He and Taylor (and don't write "Scotty Too Hotty" either... for Chrissakes) double team Albert. Or maybe it was Venis. -Test takes the Worm thing. This was followed by a "Hip-Hop Drop". The pin was avoided when Albert yanked Taylor out of the ring by his foot. Trish stepped in with her boot, but Christopher took it and whacked Test with it. He went for the pin, but the Ref was nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, Rikishi was hypnotized by Trish's boobies. -Back in the ring, Val hit Christopher with his tag team belt and scored the pin. -Of course, this match can't possibly end without someone eating ass. So Val ended up in the corner again. As Rikishi slapped cheeks, I distinctly heard Val cry, "18 MONTHS AGO I WAS SQUIRTING ASIAN SLUTS WITH LOVE GOO!!!!! THIS IS NOT FAIR DAMMIT!!!" -Trish ran into the ring and got in Rikishi's face. She slapped him... because there is NO way in HELL she was going to kiss THIS guy. -Rikishi made a fist at her. She magically fell backwards as if pushed by some invisible object (or perhaps a subtle cross promotion of the new movie, "The Hollow Man"? IS KEVIN BACON THERE?????). She sat back into the corner. -The crowd got all into it. -Rikishi prepared himself. -Rikishi sank on in. -Trish Stratus... Holy Crow... she sunk her nose RIGHT SQUARE INTO THE THING!! Her Goddam face disappeared!!!! And that NOSE is not easily coverable. -How bad was it? Even MY buttcheeks clenched up. -And he STAYED THERE AWHILE!! He really shook it around. -Close up on Rikishi's face. He was digging it. -Mom? Daddy? -You know... Raw really IS Porn! Ryder was RIGHT!!! -We are shown how Val won it. We are shown how Trish took it. Give the girl props... she's a playa! Elizabeth's throwing temper tantrums because she's not walking with Lex... THIS girl's a Trooper! -Thus, it is official... every single hole on Trish be stankEE. -That's right, even the ears. Girl never discovered the use of Q-Tips. -That's right... even the other place. NONE OF YOUR BIZWAX HOW I KNOW!!! -Chris Benoit is taking on Road Dogg NEXT!!! -commercials -We see how Chris Benoit turned a "Low Down" into a Crippler Crossface. Mighty damn impressive too. -Backstage, the "Regime" all apologize to each other. It ends in a group hug. Patterson was on the far side of the camera, thus we cannot see him. It... bothers me that I now feel compelled to comment on Pat's whereabouts whenever a Regime segment is played. -Brisco shuts the door behind him without looking. Be it AMAZING COINCIDENCE or an utter LACK of creative writing... the door is slammed just in time to hit someone who was running in with a chair... they hear the bang and open the door. -MY GOD IT'S (insert long lost character from yesteryear here)!!!!!! BACK FROM THE DEAD AND LOOKING FOR A LITTLE PAYBACK!!!!!!! (yeech... talk about an utter LACK of creative writing). -Actually, it's Crash Holly, looking for a little Hardcore gold. When they open the door, he gets up and runs out of there. -Road Dogg comes out with Torrie and X-Pac. Why has X-Pac suddenly taken to wearing Denim Coveralls? Is Vince thinking about bringing back the Hillbilly gimmick? HAS IT COME TO THIS ALREADY??? -Doggy tried to say something, but was cut off by Chris Benoit's music... Ross sold it as Benoit's "Less Cop/More Rock" attitude... but I have ANOTHER theory, which I will share with you at the end of this recap. I doubt most of you will be around for it. -X-Pac trips up Benoit before he even TOUCHES Road Dogg. X-Pac pays for it a few seconds later by eating a baseball slide. -Oh... this is a "King of the Ring" Qualifier. Which Scaia has all but announced Angle as the shoe-in to win... which of course means that Angle won't even be in the building that night. -Well, Doggy DID get off his little "Shuck and Jive"... that's about it. -Torrie distracted the Ref so that X-Pac could trip up Benoit again. The Dudley's ran out. They distracted Road Dogg so Benoit could catch him from behind with an "Domoarrygoto Reverse Belly to Belly Russian Bodysweep Suplay" (got a problem?) and a pin. Torrie almost went through a table set up on the outside, but X-Pac saved the day. Ross assured us that this Dudley/DX feud is FAR from over (sigh). -Still, the Dudleys RULE!!! These boys are what Public Enemy SHOULD have been in Bischoff had any sense back in the day. -backstage, Michael Cole talks to Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco. Gerald assures us that there has been NO jealousy from Pat now that he's the Hardcore champ. Pat asks him to let him wear the belt. Brisco agrees. -Meanwhile, Crash Holly sneaks up behind them. He sees their silhouettes from behind the curtain and hits the one wearing the belt. So he hits Patterson. He takes off. Silly, awkward, illogical, improbable, AND dubious. -commercials. The film "Boys and Girls" looks good... I can't tell... is that Nicolette Sheridan in a bikini? I thought she was going to be the next Michelle Pfeffier? -Young figure Skaters encourage aspiring Figure Skaters to deny drugs. The message is "Don't blow it"... except for your lunch, naturally. -Michael Cole talked to Kane about the 3 way. After growling that he's going to treat the Undertaker NOT like a Brother, but like a perfect stranger who only PRETENDS to be his sibling for storyline purposes, he breaks character, looks Cole over, and says... "Dude, what's with the hair? Are you GAY?" -Crash Holly comes out. He gets on the mic and DEMANDS that Gerald Brisco get out there. He stutters off the word(s) "rear end", claiming that he promised his Mom he wouldn't get upset. I am confident enough in my Manhood to declare that Crash is adorable. I... I sort of want to... cuddle him. -Who should come out but Patrick Patterson, with a MICROPHONE!! He started to bitch that the thing wasn't working, even though it was. Humph, for a change, something's gonna come OUT of his mouth. -What? He's a heavy guy. He must eat a lot. -FOOD... YOU PERVERTS!!!!! -Pat wants to give the Hardcore champ a proper introduction. Then he proceeded to challenge us to understand his dialect... how he manages to turn the word "direct" into "JURACK" is beyond me. Pat also mentions "Brisco's Body Shop! And remember... It's wort the trip!" (I'm sure Ross was considering bringing back the "rear end work" line... but Jimbo rarely repeats his lines other than his standards) -Brisco came out to "Real American"... Ross and Lawler, Ross especially, claims the song is an assault on their senses. JR claims to be able FEEL his auditory canal caving upon itself in agony. Oh yeah, Hogan's gonna come back when his contract's up... tell me another tale. -Ross called Brisco "A Modern Day Jim Thorpe". Ross was sarcastic with that comparison. Jim Thorpe? Sort of sounds like a Porn Actor I know. Crash makes chase up the ramp. Brisco took a pounding. Give the Old guy some credit, he took a couple of respectable bumps. Jim Ross spent his time making cracks about how Pat spent last night at the Tony's with Nathan Lane. I guess Jim is saying that only gays like the Theater. WHAT A SEXIS... err... RACI... ahh... SOMETHINGIST THING TO SAY. -of course, it's dead on balls on the money... BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SAID!!!! -They fight. Crash fought really, dropping all sorts of weaponry on Brisco for this HC match. Gerald breaks a stick over Crash's back and does a brief Indian Dance. Lawler claims that he looks a little like "Chief Wahoo"... anyone that references Wahoo McDaniel is AN F-ING GOD!!!!!!!! Ross responded with a "Who?" -Even if he didn't MEAN Wahoo McDaniel... IT'S STILL CLOSE ENOUGH!!!!! -Pat jumped in pretty quickly. It was... well... it was interesting. I mean, the poor guy can't do squat without it having SOME symbolism. Believe it or not... I have played a minor part in this. Crash dumped him out quickly, but not before intercepting something that was in Pat's hands (steady... steeeeady). -Of course, it was a pair of Pat's underwear. Brisco ended u[p wearing it. I was HOPING... PRAYING... PLEADING that Ross would mutter something like "Not the first time some guy's head wound up in Patterson's underwear." Aw...that would have ROCKED!!!! -Crash picked up a Stop sign ("Quote the Crash... Nevermore"? Naah, too fey) and charged the corner. Brisco gracefully lifted his legs and drove them into the sign, into Crash's face. Gerald laid down on Crash, Pat laid down on Gerald, and the ref counted it. Summoning willpower that only Allah could possibly fathom, Ross kept his mouth shut. If he applied that will to his eating, he'd be a buck sixty. -Kevin Kelly talks to the Undertaker. UT spits a wad of brown liquid, which got one of the biggest Pops of the Evening. Oddly enough, if he was smoking a cigarette, they would stone him until he was dead, dead, dead. UT said that if Kane's going to go all non-familial with him, then He's gonna treat Kane like a half-assed Kevin Nash with a Degree in Dentistry. ARE WE SURE THIS IS ALL A WORK??? -Rocky is all set for WAR!! -commercials -H Cubed comes out to do some Announcing with the Boys. Ross asks Lawler if he wants some Chapstick. Ringside fans have reported Ross getting somewhat "baggier" in the buttock area. I didn't even WANT to know why they were looking at his buttocks. -As HHH took a seat, a fan right behind them patted him on the back. HHH turned around and said something. The fan pointed at him. Lawler said, "Sit down, you Idiot". The pussy sat right down. LEAVE IT TO THE KING FOR A LITTLE LAW AND F-ING ORDER!!!!!!!!! BOOYAAA!!! RESPECT DA KING!!!!!! -Kane comes out. He gets his explosions. -The Undertaker comes out. Biker men need NO explosions. Plus, he came to the ring at a brisk pace, instead of his 5-minute slow stroll. And he didn't control the House lights with his arms. I give it half a year before he pulls a Foley and goes back to the Dead Man. -The Rock comes out. Usual stuff. -It starts off with the non Brothers working over Rocky. Feel free to write to your State Senator and register a full complaint about the racial injustice. Even though Rocky can convincingly pass for an Italian with a really, really bitchin' tan. -Rocky fights back. he works the UT over. UT tries for the Tombstone, Rocky fights out of it and kicks in the Rock Bottom. -Kane gets involved and gives Rocky a Chokeslam. -Kane and UT go at it. -Rocky and UT go at it. -HHH does that schtick where he speaks calmly, then gets up and attacks someone (in this case, the Undertaker), then sits back down again. Of course, Ross calls him the "OJ of the WWF". I should point out that it is quite an amusing move. -The UT gets back up and WHACKS HHH in the face. 3H doesn't even see it coming. Well, really he DID, but he didn't try to move. -HHH eventually got tired of all this and chaired the Undertaker as he was climbing back into the ring. Then he chaired Kane as Kane reached down to grab his Brother, which led Kane right smack into a Rock Bottom, Rocky pins Kane and gets the title shot... again... again. The Ironic/Fitting part of this is that the theme of tonight was how huge EGOS will ruin a good thing. I can't help but wonder if Rocky used a little muscle to influence his title shot? -What happened to the UT? He dropped all his moves other than the rapid fire double punch assault? The Chokeslam too. Plus, he's gotten fat! It's like nobody told his metabolism that it wasn't dead anymore. -commercials... Jean Claude Van Dam is hosting a special USA week of his (so he claims) "Greatest Movies". The arrogant Crackhead has the ABSOLUTE AUDACITY to list "Legionnaire" as one of them. I should also note that Jean Claude is currently sporting a "Sting" haircut. I should also point out that Jean Claude is an idiot. -The Godfather comes out with a mess of H... Women of the Evening (gots to respect the ladies now... gots to respect the girl). Dean Malenko was with him. Rather than come up with an explanation that even Helen Keller would see as bullcrap, Ross and Lawler barely made note of this union. The GF was about to start his rip when... -"Mamacita" plays, cutting him right off. Millions of White Teenagers lose out on the few minutes a week they get to pretend to be "playas". In a completely unrelated note, Crime went down in all the Major Cities immediately following the broadcast. I refuse to see the connection. -Say... if certain Feline species were able to talk, what would the children call it's female parent? -"MamaCHEETAH!!!!" BWAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAaaaa... somebody please kill me. -So, Eddie comes out with Chyna. We see how Eddie helped Chyna qualify for the KOTR -It's a mixed tag team match. Nobody uses the word "Radical" in a sentence throughout the match. -Of course, things heat up whenever Malenko and Eddie were in there. Chyna provided decent work, Godfather is just a mid-carder having the time of his life for once. Leave him alone. -Chyna does her backflip springboard flying elbow on Malenko. As he fell, I SWORE I heard Malenko mutter, "I can't believe I gotta put this broad over." -Malenko ends up hip tossing Eddie over the top rope and into the H... girls. The Girls like what they see. Eddie likes what HE sees. Chyna marches over and doesn't care about what she's seeing, but pretends to be pissed. Pretends POORLY. -Back in the ring, Eddie turns a Malenko "Tilt-A-Whirl" into a small package and scores the win. He makes up with Chyna afterwards. There is ZERO chemistry between these two. In fact, I think Chyna HATES Eddie. --Ross promised Faarooq and Hardcore Holly in a real "Smash Mouth Match" that will also be a KOTR qualifier. Holly will sing "All Star" while Faarooq will treat us to a Bass heavy version of "Walking on the Sun". -commercials -Hardcore and Faarooq fought. Hardcore won. Need more? Okay... After dominating for almost all of the match, Faarooq was caught with a Suplex/Powerbomb and was pinned. Faarooq was left looking at Referee Teddy Long as if Ted was supposed to rig the match more in his favor. The Nation isn't DEAD... it's just resting. -Oh yeah... and still, after all these years... hearing Faarooq's booming voice demand to know "what's wrong witchoo?" is terrible entertaining. -Kurt Angle is backstage with Edge and Christian. He says that if they hand Chris Benoit a beating tonight, Stephanie will be pleased. If Stephanie is pleased, than she might be inspired to give E & C a title shot. Ipso facto bosco (huh?)... everyone wins. Neither E nor C thought to ask what Stephanie's problem was with Benoit and why they were suddenly scheduled to work against him tonight. You need at LEAST a week to get ready for Benoit. That Canuck works STIFF!!! -commercials -Kurt Angle comes out with the two kids. Jesus, look at those smiles. I think they must eat Plutonium. They rag on Rochester for being a pretty much-unknown town which houses the Kodak Empire. Angle hops on the mic and says that the irony here is how the home of Kodak film is FILLED with so many unattractive people. "It's True, It's True"... which is FAST becoming my FAVORITE catchphrase. It is SO goddam condescending and he is SO Goddam earnest and confidant with it. Who would have thought those two simple words could work? Yet the sumbitch made it work. -They did their pose bit, which is quite good. -Chris Jericho comes out. What? WHERE IS BENOIT?? WE WERE PROMISED A CHRIS BENOIT DOUBLE FEATURE! THAT NO GOOD LAZY CANADIAN (oxymoron)!!!! HE COPPED OUT!!! -The Dudleys follow -Now Stephanie has a problem with Jericho too (common knowledge, I know)... maybe she just have a problem with Canadians? WHERE WAS SHE WHEN BRET WAS SCREWED?? IS SHE THE MISSING PIECE OF THE PUZZLE??? -I will forgo the obvious Owen connection. My blood isn't THAT cold. Well... yes it is, but I'm in no mood. -Jericho has no microphone time. Time must be fleeting. Two back to back sentences where the same word ends sentence #1 and begins sentence #2 NEVER looks good. -I have NEVER used the "#" symbol so much in one column. -Well, everyone fought. Someone controlled, others didn't. All sorts of nasty double/triple-teaming went down. Standard Face/Heel/Face/All Six Brawl. Eventually, Kurt Angle snuck a belly to belly on Buh Buh Ray and caught the upset. Maybe he IS going to win the KOTR? Naah, I doubt we are this close to the Timeline collapsing onto itself like a Chronological Black Hole. We still have a few thousand years. -Ahh... yes, possibly because the fans were screaming for it all match, Angle was 3D'ed through a table. JR didn't have the cossacks to claim that Buh Buh went orgasmic afterwards. -commercials -I usually save this for deep into the Nitro recap, but given that two of the four men involved are so heatless they actually SUCK energy from the Sun, thus robbing the Planet of at least a few thousands years of solar life... -Hardyz. BBM. Bull Buchanon. Hardyz win in an upset. BBM is angry. BBM attacks Buchanon. BBM works the last half hour.(?) BBM must have videos of McMahon doing something Felonious. There is no other possible explanation. -Oh, and Lita was seen backstage watching this match. I hear her Husband is back selling trinkets at the Tijuana Border. -Backstage, HHH informs the Regime that NOBODY is to come out and help him tonight. He wants to do this ON HIS OWN!! -commercials -Backstage, Michael Cole listens to 3H mouth off a bit before telling him that Earl Hebner is the special Guest referee. Hunter was so shocked, his nostrils flared. I think one of Cole's Contacts got sucked in. -Following that, Stephanie came out basically to set up a deal where there will be a Chick Battle Royal on Smackdown. Ivory and Jacqueline came out to help persuade her to make this arrangement. See? Foreshadowing. -The Rock is all hosed down and ready to GO!! -commercials -The Rock is out. -Trip 8ch is out with the Wife. -They go at it. -At which point in time did Rocky drop ALL pretense of Wrestling skills and simply become a punching machine? (possibly the same time I dropped all pretense of Comedy and simply became a Patterson goofing machine) -Rocky and Kane go at it near the Table. Ross pleads with Rocky to chill out before he gets DQed. God and only God knows why Ross would . Unless you don't believe in God. Or Allah. And you think this whole Universe was created in some sort of Cosmic "Accident" and it's only through billions and billions of "coincidences" (that were only possible by defying incalculable odds) that this Planet was able to spawn life, which evolved into millions of different species. If THAT'S the spin that you want to go with, then... what was I talking about again? -Rocky tried to get HHH on the table, but he is fought off. 3H still ended up getting dumped on and over the table. -It stayed in this general area for a while. -It gets back inside with Hunter in firm control. -He was about to do something illegal when Hebner finally played his role in all this and physically yanked HHH away from him and they argued. This allowed Rocky time to recover. I know that sounds like Hebner was doing it intentionally, but he wasn't. Well, he REALLY was, but I am wrapping things up in FULL kayfabe. So play along. -HHH took it again with a big Clothesline and a pin attempt. No Joy. -3H went to the corner, delivered a Crotch Chop (haven't seen him do that in a while), then dropped a picture perfect Knee on Rocky's head. If you think about it, those knee drops really require a LOT of precision. That probably explains why only a short list of guys use the move. (Flair, HHH, Harley Race back in the day) -Rocky kicks out of two or three pin attempts in rapid succession. -Rocky grabs HHH off the top rope and throws him. Ross screams, "TRIPLE H SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!! THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS!!!" -either A: HHH is honoring Flair. B: HHH is staking a claim to be the NEXT Flair. C: They are goofing on Flair. -Rocky with the neck breaker, followed by a Samoan Drop. HHH kicks on two. Lawler screamed fast count. -Both men are dazed. Shane McMahon comes out and is knocked down by Hebner. -The Regime is out. Rocky cleans house. -Spine Buster. People's Elbow. X-Pac pulls Hebner out before 3. Hebner kicks X-Pac. X-Pac goes down. Given his size, it is somewhat believable. Let's just assume X-Pac partook of a little post match "celebration" and was off his game. -The Regime ran in and attacked Rocky. UT and Kane walked out... in no real rush. I think I saw UT mouth the dreaded "M-F-er" word. -It just occurred to me. I never did really add MotherF***er into my arsenal. Not in the column, and not in real life. I'm going to have to start. So I can be cool like Dice. -The Faces cleaned house. Rocky chaired UT in the back after Road Dogg got out of the way. UT chokeslammed Rocky in return. Seeds are planted. Seeds of TREACHERY!!! -HHH laid on top of the freshly chokeslammed Rocky. Hebner played dead through ALL this, waking up in time to count to 3. Hunter retains. -Some more fighting, strictly for wrapping up purposes. -The show ends. Here's something weird about tonight. The Godfather's rap about lighting doobies and being all up in da Pimp Life was eliminated. Road Dogg's "racy" rap was ALSO cut off. Other than Rocky calling Stephanie a "slut", Trish getting a face full of Rikishi, a few Announcing references to the "Ho's", a barely audible and hardly acknowledged chant of "SHANE'S A PUSSY", and the obligatory "ASSHOLE" chant... this show was pretty tame! Could it be that certain CBS Executives were watching? Could TNN be warming a spot on it's roster for next year? Or maybe even next FALL?? Will ECW defect to the cozy confines of Turner television?? Will ECW crumble on into itself??? Eh, who cares? Either way, the show blew. No more Rocky/Hunter. Let Rocky mess around with someone else for a while! Let UT or Kane take a turn! Get Jericho out there. Get somebody... ANYBODY!!!! I mean, the match was GOOD, and the Brisco match almost saved the entire show. But really, time to switch things around a little. Mix it all up. Nitro wins and I didn't even watch it yet. Hey, RAW can't be good every friggin' week. Nitro WINS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA