Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

The Swinging Cat is back in town. 6/8/98 Note: My e-mail address is still Glorydog@msn.com. The hotmail address is the one I use for business related stuff. So keep on using the glorydog address if and when you get the urge to tell me how much I suck....as usual. Yeah, that's right! My name is Chris and this is the Mop-Up. I am back up to a solid 60% (which is about as good as it gets for me) and ready to swing back into the swing of things. First though, having a bad couple of weeks means that I have accrued a rather chunky list of opening notes....some important stuff going on here, so don't skip over it...not that you would, I am well aware that you cannot live without hearing my opinions...so GO AHEAD..TRY TO IGNORE ME!!!! YOU CAN'T CAN YA'? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA.....(Good Lord, I desperately need a woman). First order of business, the car accident. Yes, last Monday night I gave a little head to a windshield and spent a night in the hospital because of it. No, the car wasn't mine and I wasn't driving. No, alchohol was NOT involve. Nobody died and I took the worst of it. I can't tell you EXACTLY what happened, because I can't remember much of it. That's about all I can tell you, other than my concussion is still....concussing, and my collarbone is still banged up, but not broken. I DO still black out every so often, but I'm sure those will pass...Hell, if I seem to skip vital parts of tonight's shows, it's because I had a black out, so don't bitch at me. But, I'm here, I'm still doped up on pain killers..(you didn't think I'd pass up a chance to recap Nitro while stoned out on Codeine did you?)...and I'm ready to rock. Thanks to all who sent me get well notes....that meant alot. I couldn't reply to any of them because I really couldn't focus on the computer screen without getting a blinding headache, but I managed to read all of them and I am greatly appreciative....My favorites were those people who thought that BUFF BAGWELL'S e-mail address was HYATTESUCKS@hotmail.com . I got quite a few letters from folks who thought that I was Bagwell. - one thing about it that I do remember....I SWEAR I glimpsed a couple of guys in masks running away from the scene. I could be wrong, but I am almost sure I heard them laughing about messing with the "familia". Again, I'm not too sure....but it's just something to think about. Don't read much into it though, it could have been my ex-girlfriend's brothers too. Second order of business, that brainteaser from two weeks ago week. The question I asked: A lily in a pond doubles in size every day, on the 60th day, it covered the entire pond. On what day did it cover 75% of the pond? Most of you figured out that it must have covered half the pond on the 59th day, but there was some confusion as to when it reached 75%. The answer is that since 75% is halfway between 50% and 100%, the lily covered 75% at the halfway point between day 59 and day 60...which would make it 12 noon on day 59. Barry, Brian, Chris, Dale, Joe, Jim, another Jim, Greg, Danno, Jer, Jimbo, Marc, Tim, llb001 (I have no clue), Greg, Bam Bam, Jeff (who filled in for me last week), D-Lo (no, I don't think it was THAT D-Lo), and a fellow colorfully known as Tigersnuts all guessed it correctly....and some were quite rude in my attempt to test their skills...in other words, I got a lot of, "Hyatte, you are an IDIOT!" Third order of business, a little update on the RAT PACK (read the closer from two weeks back if you have no idea where I'm going with this). After sifting through quite a few folks looking to join in, I can tell you that I have already hooked up with 3 people...with a 4th guy seriously in the running. After I really sit down and think about where we can take this...(of course, everyone in the Rat Pack has a say in things), I'll make the proper introductions. I'm always looking for new blood though, so if you're interested... Incidentally, the Rat Pack will NOT be opening our own web site to post up attitude driven columns....that would set us up to look like cheap knockoffs of the NWWWO, which is a FINE site run by a FINE group of people*...so let's not start assuming that I'm looking to start crap. Recently, the NWWWO web site was hacked into and torn up by someone....and poor Sean Shannon (BJORK SUCKS!!!!!!) also had his personal site wasted in the process. Let's hope they all recover as soon as possible. I would have something snide to say to whoever the hacker was...but I gotta watch my own ass....so I'll keep my mouth shut....lest I piss someone off and become a target my own damnable self. You wouldn't want to do that would you? It's me! Hyatte!! Your buddy!!!!! I'm the COOL one!!! Third off. I have to say goodbye..............to a friend. Two weeks ago, Jim Sullivan hung up the keyboard and stopped doing his "Nitro Notes" column over at Joe's Nitro Raw Review which can be found at http://www.personal.psu.edu/users/j/v/ jvc113/. Let's face it, I don't really give a Rat Pack's ass about most other recaps on the web. That's not to say that they all suck, because just a few really do. It's just that I'm too obsessed with mine to wonder what other people are up to. There are some I check out, but only as a glance over. No, I take that back..there is one that I actually give a good looking at, and that one belonged to Jim. Jim. He was good at his job. You see...most recappers either go the serious route..or the comedic route...well Jim went for both, and melded it well. I always got a laugh when he would argue with his reader's in the middle of his Nitro Notes...and he always came across as someone who had a blast doing what he did...which is one HELL of a tough thing to do...(believe me on that one kids). Jim was an ORIGINAL on the web. Note..this statement was in NO WAY inspired by the gushing praise he lathered me up with...especially since I know that he didn't mean a SINGLE WORD of it.....One day I'll post all the hate letters he has sent me over the months...almost EVERY day he would write to me and invent new ways to use the word's "Mop-Up", "Hyatte", and "Sucks" in a sentence..it was traumatic..to say the very least. Once he even bragged about sleeping with my MOTHER AND GIRLFRIEND AT THE SAME TIME!!!! And he claimed to have PICTURES FOR GOD'S SAKES!!!!!!!! Hell, I think he even sliced my tires a few weeks ago...(well, it was either him or a guy named Tobias Twigglebottom...I'm still working on that one). So, even though Jim's gone from the web..I'm sure he will be a thorn in my psychological makeup for a long time to come....damn him!!! Jim is SCUM! Jim is SLIME! Jim liked to eat BABIES! Jim liked to club SEALS!! Jim's mission in life is to KILL the last American BALD EAGLE!!!! Jim LAUGHED during "Schindler's List"! Jim gave Pakistan the plutonium to build those NUCLEAR BOMBS!! Jim likes to kill schoolchildren that he has THE HEAD OF BAMBI'S MOTHER HANGING OVER HIS FIREPLACE!!! Hell, Jim CHEERS FOR THE DALLAS COWBOYS FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!! If all the goodness in the world had an antithesis...it's name would be JIM SULLIVAN!!!! F-YOU JIM! F-YOU. F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!! - I'm going to miss the prick - Finally, because Rodman was just announced to be part of "Bash at the Beach"...(and he showed up on tonight's Nitro...let's see if WCW can come up with the press that Tyson provided to the WWF....it would be interesting to compare and contrast). I thought I would state this as loudly and clearly as possible. To anyone from Chicago, who may be reading this....from just about everybody else in the country..and probably the world...I happily pass this message onto you...ahem.. We are SICK AND F&^%$#@ TIRED OF THE BULLS! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THEM ANYMORE AND WE ARE PRAYING THAT THE JAZZ BEAT THE COCKY SNOT OUT OF THEM!! WE RECOGNIZE THAT JORDAN IS THE GREATEST PLAYER TO EVER PLAY, BUT WE DON'T WANT HIM TO WIN "ONE MORE TIME". AT THIS POINT, WE ALMOST HATE THE BULLS! RODMAN IS A HOMO, PIPPEN IS NOTHING WITHOUT JORDAN, AND MICHAEL IS A BABY FOR NOT WANTING TO PLAY WITHOUT HIS PRECIOUS COACH!! WE ARE TIRED OF THE BULLS AND WANT NEW BLOOD. NO MORE BULLS...NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE!!!! GO JAZZ!!!!!!! EVERYBODY HOPES THAT THE BULLS ARE SLAPPED DOWN HARD AND FAST....SWEEP, SWEEP, SWEEP!!!!! - of course...I wrote the above missive last week...so a sweep is no longer a possibility....AND considering the beating the Jazz took, things look rather bleak....but I have to stick by my feelings....and am prepared to get my ballz buzted for them. - Again, we don't necessarily HATE Jordan and company..but we NEED new blood..and only Charles Barkley deserves a ring more than Karl Malone, John Stockton, and company. Well, that's three weeks worth of catching up that I had to do...and I even have some more for the closer. But, we'll worry about that later, because for now.... I figured that since we were ALL shocked/dismayed/annoyed/saddened/blown away/devestated by the bombshell announcement that Ginger Spice has left the "Spice Girls" (how will we EVER go on?), we could use a little levity during this horrible week. Wipe those tears away kids, blow out that snot, and let's see if we can overcome our feelings of despair and try to forget this shocking news...in other words, let's recap!!! NITRO (or Is that a Worm in Bischoff's pants or is he just happy to see us?): - opens with Micheal Buffer in the ring. Even though it's a wee bit early for him, he was still able to muster up the juice and tell us to get our asses ready to rumble. - Of course, in lieu of an actual match...out comes Hulk (Call him Hollywood and I will personally kick you in the nuts) Hogan and DENNIS RODMAN....oh yes...I certainly marked out, as any decent wrestling fan should. - And of course, just so he can tell himself that he caused the huge response...Eric Bischoff came out as well...wearing the backwards baseball cap...(which showed off a BIT more forehead than we are used to seeing....could stress be causing Eric's hair to clog up his shower drain? COULD HE BE YANKING HIS HAIR OUT AT THE MERE MENTION OF RAW AND/OR RIC FLAIR??????????) - Call me crazy..but Uncle Eric also seems to have gained a few pounds around his middle? Could he be looking to Ho Hos to ease his stress? Hmm? Hmmmm??? - Before they got underway, Hogan planted a wet one on Bischoff's cheek...Eric was prepared though, he was wearing his shirt untucked just so we couldn't see the pup tent that was a'pitchin' - Both Hogan and Rodman were smoking cigars. Rodman's was considerable larger than Hulkys...but that only makes sense...I mean, you know what I'm talking about...oh yes. - In the ring..a VERY bald Bischoff was doing his usual thing....Hogan handed Beefcrap a sign to hold up that read, "HOLLYWOOD IS GOD". - Hogan grabbed the mic and referred to Rodman and "Rodzilla"...(can you feel the douchechills running down your spines kids? It gets worse later on)...need I go on? - Yes, only because when he grabbed the mic, Rodman said, "Okay, hold on, heyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyhey" - Then Bischoff grabbed the mic and instructed Dennis to tell the fans, "Bite Me"...I mention this only because Bischoff started to laugh at that...hopelessly pleased with himself for keeping the "Bite Me" catchphrase alive. - So, Rodman grabbed the mic AGAIN..and continued to say, "Heyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheywhoawhoawhoawhoaheyheyhe - heyheyheheyheyheyheyheyheyholdupholdup - heyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyheyhey".. - I think that was more than enough out of them. Larry Zbyszko had time to sarcastically mutter the word, "Rodzilla..sheesh"...(this coming from the man who's last bit of creativity was coming up with the tag, "New World ODOR" from two years ago) - Thankfully..this bastardization of the English language ended when Tony sent us kicking and screaming into a set of.. - commercials - footage from last week when Sting joined the Nash's World Order - opening theme - Tony welcomed us to Auburn Hills, Michigan by calling this show the MOST POPULAR 3 HOUR WRESTLING PROGRAM ON TNT SHOWN TO THE WORLD!!!!!!!.....Way to hedge your bet Tony - only 3 of the Nitro Girls do a dance..apparently the others were still reeling from the absense of their leader..Ginger....either that, or they were fufilling their contract and "taking care" of Lee Marshall...(if you know what I mean...hee hee hee) - Tony and the boys say hello with the fireworks...(which Tony calls WCW's "trademark"....with no trace of irony in his voice over the fact that the WWF's fireworks are always so much better). - Then Tony gets into the hype for the PPV..saying that the entire wrestling world is talking about the upcoming main event of Hogan/Hart vs Piper/Savage...(I agree with Tony...everyone is talking about how lame it is..honestly, is ANYONE REALLY excited over this match? Or the PPV in general?). Larry does his customary wave to the fans. - Tenay does a totally unnecessary pre-taped spot with fans in line....a few of them were cooking on a makeshift grill. I swear, Tenay looked drunk out of his gourd...and completely uncomfortable...(Dammit! I am a wrestling EXPERT..Why am I dealing with these LOSERS!) - the NWO theme music blares... - ..then stops..somebody's drunk at the sound board again.... - then the Wolfpack's music comes on...and out comes the 'Pack in full. Larry is shocked that they are crowd favorites. - No....Nash isn't mooning the audience...that's Sting, now in red face paint...and by God...he's SMILING!!!!!!!!!! - Hell..he's more animated now then he was in that friggin' movie. - In the ring, Nash does what he does...which is talk better than anyone else in WCW...(and quite a few WWFers). Sporting a way too cool beret that read "Porn *"...(the only symbol for "star" that I have), he was about to get into his recruitment of Diamond Dallas Page when... - Hogan's voice hits the loudspeakers..and we see... - Hogan, "Rodzilla" (uggh), and Bischoff (gack) up in the seats in some sort of "luxury box" I guess. Because it fits the script, they had a control panel in front of them and proceeded to fudge with the.....proceedings...or something like that. Basically, they cut the sound off, started up the fireworks in the ring, and dimmed the lights...Hogan pretended to have Rodman be the one to do it, but I swear I saw Rodman mouth the words, "Hey man, alls I do is grab a basketball and do white women...I don't know from no computer hoodickies." The segment ended with Hogan sending us off into..... - commercials - Backstage, K-Dawg runs into JJ Dillon, who was near the ladies room....K-Dawg demands that JJ do something about Hogan...Dillon reminds him that he isn't in this particular page of the script..K-Mart runs off in anger....the real question here is...WHAT THE HELL WAS JJ DOING HANGING NEAR THE LADIES ROOM??? - it's 7:30...you know what that means for the MOST ACTION PACKED WRESTLING SHOW IN THE WORLD?????? - that's right...they finally got around to their first match..which was Jerry Flynn vs Yuji Nagata....does anyone out there care?? I'll go out on a limb and say NO. - commercials - with Mean Gene in New York...playing host to another attempt to fill up TWO arenas on Monday by holding Nitro ON SCREEN in the Roseland....(oy vey...if you went to that, you've got problems), Tony Schiavone conducted and interview with the always entertaining Chris Jericho. Jericho came out with a Fed Ex package from Ted Turner. After calling Tony "Skivone". he opened it and read it aloud. Apperently, while Turner does admire Jericho's talent, he didn't admire Jericho's whining....Malenko keeps the Cruiserweight belt. Jericho cried some, then called Turner "Uncle Ted"...(Bischoff's attempt to deflect that nickname to someone else..it must really get to him). - You know..if it was Bischoff pretending that Turner wrote it..I would have bitched...but it was from Jericho....so it ROCKED..just like everything else he does nowadays. - When you have a chance..take a look at Tony's caboose...good Lord - footage from Thunder last week...dealing with something or another. - Tony pushes the fact that right around the time when we will be watching RAW, he will be having the FIRST EVER (once again, selective memory rears it's ugly head) interview with STING. Tony promises to GRILL STING FOR ALL IT'S WORTH AND REALLY GET DOWN TO ASK THE PROBING, INDEPTH QUESTIONS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASKED A LOOONG TIME AGO!!!!!!!!!...but again...that's much later. - The Flock, (shouldn't they be called another "seperate" organization? I mean..do YOU see Raven stepping up to champion WCW's cause?) hits the ring, including Scotty Riggs, who used to have a contract, then got paid from a match to match basis.... now he gets paid by the hour. Raven and a few others take a ringside seats...although nobody asked them for ticket stubs...(what's the Dealie-Yo with THAT?? WCW thinks we forget...BUT I DON'T!!! HYATTE HAS THE MEMORY OF AN ELEPHANT BABY!!!!!!!!!....and also the ass of one....alas. - anywhoo, it's Reese and Horace Boulder (now just Horace...for obvious reasons) vs Juventud Guerrera and Van Hammer.....Van Hammer? WHY IS VAN HAMMER IN MY LIFE?? I DIDN'T ASK FOR HIM?? GET THIS GUY OFF MY SCREEN AND OUT OF MY F'K'N LIFE PLEASE!!!! - Anywhoo again, this is an especially LOOOOONG match, where the basic goal was to keep Reese and Juventud (who I am actually starting to warm up to believe it or not....the kid's got some GUTS and a lot of PISS in him) away from each other before their PPV match...which meant that Horace spent most of the match in the ring. Horseass punked Juventud for a bit, but it was Reese who eventually pinned him...this match was way too long. - by the way...I don't remember when he announced this, but at one point during the show, Tony announced that WCW's PUBLIC RELATIONS department will have a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT on this week's Thunder...now, assuming it's to brag about that killer Georgia Dome thingy that everybody on the 'net is screaming about...I would just like to point out that... WCW IS NOW HYPING UPCOMING HYPES!!!!!!! - ....and you wonder why I have so much fun goofing on them. - commercials Chris Hyatte
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