Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Cont'd . . . Last dance before I close up shop. 6/8/98 - DOA hit the ring for the Triple Threat match. - LOD 2000 followed suit. - Road Dog and Bad Ass completed the trifecta...the jam began. - BUT...not until we see the Undertaker backstage, asking Commissioner Slaughter where Vince was..Slaughter said that he didn't know..so the UT hit him with some of the FAKEST SHOTS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!! - Still, Slaughter sold them...he went do far as to at one point scream, "YOU CAN'T HIT ME!! I'M AN AMERICAN HERO!!! I RAN THE IRON SHEIK OUT OF TOWN FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!!! The unpatriotic bastard that he is..the UT didn't stop until Slaughter's tux shirt was off. - HHH and XPac sat at the entrance way as the match went on..I could go into details but...I'll just say this. - Eventually..Road Dog and Bad Ass were both tagged in at the same time...they acted outraged for a bit, but then got to business... - next thing we know, Road Dog laid down and Bad Ass pinned him. The New Age Outlaw beat the New Age Outlaw and the New Age Outlaws retained the tag belts...it took a while, but the LOD and the DOA finally did the math and figured it out...("Oh, you mean that....", "But...I thought..", "Oh Hell..that's right.." "Duhhh...") Thoroughly embarrassed, the cameras wisely cut away from them and to... - a mess of cops coming out of their assorted cars...I SWEAR one of them was Richard Jewel....(RUN FOR YOUR LIVES..THERE'S A BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - commercials - as a bunch of people entered the ring... - we see a bunch of cops surrounding the Undertaker backstage - back to the ring, Austin's music starts and.. - out comes Austin himself..dressed for fighting but sporting a black tie wrapped around his bare neck..he hits the ring and does that thing he does to the crowd... - Vince had the mic and reminded Austin that he was supposed to wear a black tie..Austin said that he was... - Kevin Kelly introduced George Martin, who first commented that Vince's latest charitable contribution was a bit on the cheap side when compared to his previous contributions and that Vince's latest check has yet to officially clear...(Vince smartly replied, "Hey..have you seen the ratings over the past two years? I have been losing millions ever since Hogan left me...DON'T BLAME ME, BLAME HULK HOGAN!!!!!) - Then Martin gave Vince the award for "Humanitarian of the Year", then told Vince that his favorite WWF Superstar was Steve Austin...(Austin once shared a beer with one of those underprivileged kids). - backstage with UT again...this time those cops had their hands on their guns..ready to open fire...(Silly men..DON'T THEY KNOW THAT THE UNDERTAKER IS ALREADY DEAD!!!!!! but then again..think of the RATINGS if they opened fire?? SHOOT HIM!! SHOOT HIM LIKE A DOG AND WATCH NITRO SINK LIKE LEAD FART...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!) - Now Kelly introduced Darnell Autry, who first criticized Vince for forgetting to send out a check this year, but handed him the award anyway, then he mirrored Martin's feelings and called Austin his favorite wrestler too...(Martin was so angry, he knocked out Autry and screamed, "GET YOUR OWN F&$^%#$@%$ FAVORITE WWF F&*%^$%# SUPERSTAR YOU JERK(*&!!!!!!!"......well..maybe not). - Vince began his acceptance speech, but it didn't last long when... - Austin reached into Vince's back pocket and pulled out a wad of bills...(Patterson was SOOO jealous..i thought he was going to break out in tears). - Grabbing the mic, Austin counted out $1200...and then handed them to the gentlemen on behalf of the "tightest son of a bitch in the world, Vincent K. McMahon" (Patterson brightened up on that sentence...saying "Damn right he's the tightest!!!" - Austin then asked the fans for a "Hell Yeah" if they thought Vince should be named "Jackass of the Year"...you can figure out how they reacted. - then the lights dimmed.. - and some men in hoods walked out carrying a casket...Ross and Lawler said that the JEWS were carrying the casket... - Why in God's name are JEWS carrying a casket???? - I'm getting tired, so here's the deal....Kane was in the casket, Mankind was under the ring....they both hit the ring.....Austin ended up in the casket with the door shut. Vince celebrated...Ross screamed, "MY GOD!!! THE CARNAGE!! and the show ended... Long story short, it was a nothing show. Nothing really cool happened, nothing really bad happened. Not good enough to beat Nitro..but Nitro had WAAY too many things going against it to give it the night..nobody wins, both shows were duds...and so help me God, if Bischoff EVER kisses someone on Nitro again (unless it's a guy)..I'm QUITTING!! What is he trying to prove anyway? Nothing..he just thinks he belongs there..and that's his biggest problem. Closer time then leave my site. So, three weeks without a forum to vent is a LOOONG time.....so I thought that since the opener was long enough, I would take some other thoughts/ideas/concepts/feelings/opionions/and other assorted crap that you probably could not give two twigs of bat poop about anyway, but I'll post them anyway. You don't like it? F-You. It's been a while, so let's do a little spring cleaning and get some stuff out of my head on onto your screen. So, get ready to fire off some e-mails about how wrong I am, (There's a LOT of WCW stuff in here...guaranteed to piss off the hardcore marks) 'cause here comes some... MOP-UPINIONS - I saw that Sting movie, "Dirty Deeds Guys Do To Get A Broad in the Sack"...or whatever the F&%$ it was called. I saw it because I KNEW it would be bad. Let's see....Sting says "Bite Me" about 90 times...he has a passion for Slim Jims, and he speaks in a monotonous, emotionless tone. Oh yeah, and Bischoff produced it. OF COURSE IT SUCKED!!!!!!!!! - LIFE TRUTH #1: Wrestlers CANNOT act on the screen...(they can barely act on the wrestling stage)...the only possible exception is Hogan as Thunderlips...but that was hardly an act. - and I NEVER thought I'd say this..but Sting looks better WITH the makeup on....he has this sloping forehead and a ridge running across his brow...My God, the guy looks like a Neanderthal. - While I'm on WCW....I figured out why the Internet prefers the WWF to WCW for the most part....WCW is squarely marketed for the FAMILY audience. Bischoff wants a product where Grandfather's can take their Grandchildren and everything in between...the WWF goes for the college set, they want the more desirable Men 18-34 demographic..and that's what they cater to. Now, the majority of the wrestling web pages is run by college kids....(which is why this place shuts down come finals and mid terms)...so what the WWF is doing is aimed directly at the folks who run wrestling on the web...THAT'S why AOL is usually filled with WWF marks..and why most web pages seem pro-WWF. Hey, at least with me, if Nitro was good, I'll happily say so. - Of course..THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GOING FOR THE FAMILY CROWD...it's just tough to get jacked for something that isn't aimed at my entertainment. - It's funny about WCW...(but not necessarily wrong)...but when they are hyping something...they really OVERSELL THE CRAP OUT OF IT!! I am NOT just talking about Schiavone either...I also mean some stuff like.. #1 Sting's new movie is the FIRST EVER MOVIE TO DEBUT ON PPV...IT'S A HISTORIC EVENT GUARENTEED TO CHANGE THE COURSE OF FILMDOM FOR DECADES TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (The translation: The movie blew so bad that no studio would put it on the big screen..so we threw it on PPV in hopes that some of you idiots will buy it and look for a match with Hogan) #2 Bagwell's new movie was directed by the GREATEST B-MOVIE DIRECTOR OF THIS, OR ANY OTHER GENERATION IN THE ANNALS OF TIME!! (Translation: The guy sucks....and by the way...I thought Roger Corman was the greatest B-movie director of all time? Or that Troma guy?) #3 Sting's film won an award at the PRESTIGIOUS PEACHTREE FILM FESTIVAL....EASILY THE MOST IMPORTANT FESTIVAL ON THE PLANET. THIS IS THE ONLY FILM FESTIVAL THAT MATTERS DAMN YOU!!!! (Translation: Cannes turned us down, and Sundance hung up on us) (again..I am not really knocking WCW...it's just a funny little trademark of their's that I wanted to point out) - I don't normally do this, but if you want to read a FUNNY ASS column, go to Bill Milano's DDT DIGEST and read the column which analyzes Lodi's career and his signs...they ALSO make a strong point about Raven's sexual preference and how it reflects off the Flock. I'm telling you..I laughed my FAT ASS OFF. It's great stuff....I wish I thought of it first. Trust me on this one..it's a gas. (Think I'll get thanked for the mention? Of course not, because then they would have to admit that they read SCOOPS). - LIFE TRUTH #2 Whenever you see PWI's Bill Apter at RAW....it's a sure sign that something BIG is coming. Every time I saw Apter snapping pictures on RAW, something rather important happened (Tyson showed up, Al Snow came back). - The Horsemen are DEAD...and so long as Bischoff and Hogan is running the show..they will ALWAYS BE DEAD. If the Horsemen should ever resurface,they will NEVER be the power they once were ten years ago. - LIFE TRUTH #3 Austin is right about one thing...DON'T TRUST ANYBODY!!! Man, every time I trust someone to help me out..I ALWAYS get burned. Folks..if you want something done.. DO IT YOURSELF AND DON'T COUNT ON ANYBODY!!!!!!! - Want more proof that Jay Leno is a ass sniffing corporate jackoff? Fine..how about those well calculated tears he called up for Chris Farley and Phil Hartman? Phoniness at it's best! The so-called "Comedien's talk show host who'll have everyone on"...think he'll let Norm MacDonald on to plug his movie after Don Ohlemeyer (like I give a RatPack's Ass as to how it's spelled) banned him from every NBC show? Only if NBC allows him...what a corporate asswipe - Quick fact for your information....Average rating for "Friends", 20.6....average rating for Thunder 3.5. Tell me again about how Thunder is making a dent against "Must See TV". I know, I know...cable ratings can't be accurately compared with network ratings, but no matter how you work the numbers...Thunder isn't making a blip against the networks...sorry. - This movie coming called "Armageddon"...while I love the producer (Jerry Bruckheimer..same guy who produced "The Rock" and "Con Air") and the director is the same who directed "The Rock" too..but I tell you..I am getying SICK 'N' F'K'N TIRED of looking at Bruce Willis's smirking/squinting face...couldn't we have a DIFFERENT action hero saving the world for once? Please? - For the past two weeks, I was supposed to get a phone call from a Boston wrestling radio show...(Or is that a Radio Wrestling Show from Boston?) and bullsh$# a little...yet they have yet to call..Hey GUYS! I'M READY!!! LET'S GO!!!! - This new flick, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"...forget about the fact that it stars the talentless Johnny Depp. Hunter S. (Too Cool for the Room) Thompson is a relic from the 70s whose only apparent abilility is the skill to write while under mass quantities of drugs and alchohol. That's about it. "Rolling Stone", the magazine that has single handidly kept this guy's name alive for WAAAAY too long, SHOULD be ashamed of themselves.....but.... - ...then again...Rolling Stone lost a TON of credibility in the 90's...formally THE magazine to read, they started to lose it right around two years ago..when they did a story of Jenny McCarthy and had her squirt mustard on a hotdog....gee..anyone remember when you actually had to DO SOMETHING before getting in RS? (Ladies and Gentlemen..I present to you..the longest run-on sentence in the history of this column...you'll never forget this moment for the rest of your life). Oh well..that'll do for this week. Wow..lucky for me, I didn't black out ONCE. Next week, more of the same...unless I re-injure myself, but I doubt that will happen. Lots on tap for next week, I'll goof on RAW, I'll goof on Nitro, I'll goof on myself, I'll goof on other web sites, I'll goof on whoever writes me bad letters..(and judging from the closer..I'm sure to inspire a few bad ones), Hell, I'll even goof on the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ..(Didn't think I'd get him in this week did'ja?). I'll goof on anything that comes to mind. Oh yes, and for the closer..I think it's time to bring back a certain "Top Ten Actress" list. Why not..you kids are old enough...and you may learn something. 'Till next week..take care of yourself, and each other....(Oh ick....ripping off Springer...I've reached a new low). This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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