Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the RAW recap first...6/9/99 Mop-Up Nitro The ratings came out just as I started writing this. Head to Head RAW beat Nitro by almost 4 FULL RATINGS POINTS.....it was, quite possibly...the worst single audience abandonment Nitro had ever suffered. Eric Bischoff....the greatest promoter for RAW ever. The thing that grabbed me was that RAW's numbers were almost doubled those of Nitro when they ran UNOPPOSED. Not only are people deserting Nitro at 9:00....they're not even checking them out at 8!! Poor Bob Ryder.....he's trying SO hard to help them..... By the way, I'll have the name of that Web Master who attacks anyone that chooses to disagree with him and call them a "Nazi" and a "Moron" somewhere in this column. No..it's not Bob. NITRO: (or WILL YOU SHUT UP ERIC?????) -Opens with a White Limo pulling up, carefully following some orange cones. -Out steps Randy "Macho Man" Savage in a PINK FRILL JACKET!?!?!?!?!? WHAT???????? -The chicks are with him too.....there's the ragged as all Hell Madusa....the annoying as all Hell Gorgeous George....and the dim as all Hell Ms. Madness....who apparently wears that Beauty Pageant Gown 24/7.....Debra used to wear one of those..it didn't work back then....but good old Uncle Eric simply REFUSES to give up on a gimmick. -Savage tells some screaming fans to "SHUT UP" as he makes the Limo driver open up the trunk and take out a white bucket filled with some brown stuff that they colorfully refer to as...."waste" -The Limo driver opens the bucket, to show us that this is not an ANGLE..THIS IS SHOOT WASTE BABY!!! THE REAL STUFF!!!!!! Then Savage and the broads go hunting for Nash.....Savage lectures the camera as he walks....the words "Baby", and "Yeah" are dispensed generously. -They waste no time in getting to the first match....BECAUSE THIS IS WC F'K'N W BABY!!!!!! WE DON'T HAVE 40 MINUTE ANGLES TO PUT YOU TO SLEEP....WE GIVE YOU ACTION, ACTION, ACTION!!!!!! WCW: WE WRESTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Hak came out with Chastity. Hak had in his mouth a cigarette. Chastity must have had something in her mouth backstage..judging from the way she was spitting out some leftover gunk....looked like Mayonnaise.....maybe it was a sandwich? Tuna? Roast Beef? Maybe Fit Finlay was back there and gave her a taste of his Corned Beef? Then, in return, she let him snoop around in her Cabbage Patch, to see if he found anything he liked? -Hak was smoking....I fully expect him to be drinking a beer or three next week...I fully expect Paul Heyman's head to explode when he does. -Tony Schiavone brings his daughter that much closer to getting re-bountied when he dumbly stuttered, "Wait a second here....we got....Hak coming out..SM...SMOKING A CIGARETTE?????? And I believe Bobby Heenan, and Er....Eric Bischoff...that may be against....not may be against THAT IS AGAINST CORPORATE POLICY...TO HAVE THAT MAN WALK AROUND WITH A CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH???!?!? (What a brown noser....rumor has it that when certain Xeroxes of body parts of the anal persuasion found there way into the Secret Santa stocking stuffers at the WCW Christmas Party....Tony turned EVERYONE IN....including the guy responsible for that "special" Xerox that included a Candy Cane jammed up in a bad area.....I can't tell you WHICH person it was....but I can tell you that he promised never to do it again...nope...he'll NEVER do it any MORE. -NEVER any MORE -NEVERanyMORE -and you can QUOTE the Hyatte on that. -Eric Bischoff was there....one can only PRAY he's there for the whole 3 hours..because as everyone knows....BISCHOFF=RATINGS!!!! -6.4 to a 2.8 head to head......BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA -Eric Bischoff, "I don't know what Savage had in that bucket...but I know what THIS guiy has in his MOUTH!!! A...A...A...CIGARETTE!!!!!! THERE IS NO SMOKING ALLOWED IN WCW!!! THAT HAS BEEN THE RULE SINCE 1901!!!!!" Then Eric said that the only thing Hak should be smoking is his pecker...because he is the Boss after all -Of course..the Giant smoked in WCW....but Bischoff believes that the only living things watching Nitro right now are Goldfish...and they only have 3 second memory spans. -By the way, you'll notice that while Tony and Heenan's voice will ALWAYS be drowned out by the fans (to show how WILD the Nitro fans are of course)...Bischoff's voice will ALWAYS be heard loud and clear...because like Doctor Doom...Eric believes that every single syllable he utters must be heard and recorded for posterity. Cross your fingers, because after Nitro, Eric plans to use his armor and steal the incalculable power of the Beyonder....GO GET THAT BASTARD UNCLE E!!!!!!! -Hak exhaled a blast of nicotine right into the announcers' face...ooo..he is a REBEL WITHOUT A PUSH!!! -Hak's doing his old "Sandman" riff of walking around the ring floor and looking at the people....I see a sign that reads, "CHRIS"....I see you buddy...hello! -While he was staring out into the crowd.....no doubt cursing Bischoff for making him do this nonsense again after promising him that he wouldn't have to...a fan sticks a sign in his face that read, "WCW SUCKS"...you'll notice that Hak made no attempts to disagree. -SMOKING ON LIVE TV?????? I AM HORRIBLY OFFENDED!!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONPY BY THE ACT ITSELF..BUT BY THE FANS WHO ARE NOT AS EQUALLY OUTRAGED BY THIS...THIS...THIS.....TRAVESTY AS I AM!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?????? THIS IS HOW IT STARTS!!!! FIRST A WRESTLER SMOKES, THEN A KID SHOOTS UP A HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!! -quick..who was I doing just then? Here, I'll give you another quick hint... -AND WHAT ABOUT CHASTITY???? WHAT IS THAT SLUT DOING ON WCW TELEVISION?? WHEN DID NITRO BECOME NITPORN???? -Prince Iaukeia was in the ring waiting for Hak....the best thing about Iaukeia (or IakEEa...as Eric likes to call him)....is that he started pretty much at the same time as the Rock..they were even pushed right out of the gate into a pair of title runs........now one of them is the second most popular name in the WWF and the other....well the other is opening Nitro. -Hak hit the ring...JJ Dillon lumbered out and told him that they let him get away with a LOT here in WCW, but they are DRAWING THE LINE AT SMOKING!!!!! -Then Bischoff came into the ring...because he is now a FACE PROMOTER!!! And told Hak that these people had come to see a match (WHAA?? IS HE DELUDED?) -Hak blew smoke in Eric's face. -Eric asked him again to put it out. -Hak pushed him. -Dillenger and his Hoard of Ascended Demons ran in...Bischoff held them back... -Bischoff slapped/punched Hak in the face.....the blow seemed to knock Bischoff back more than Hak. -NOW WCW Officials charged and held him back...Bischoff demanded that they let him wrestle anyway..then plucked the cigarette out of Hak's mouth and flicked it back at him. -Bischoff has no idea how to present himself as anything other a douchebag. -Remember....WCW is Eric's sandbox...we are just allowed to watch him play with his toys in it. -FINALLLY the Bischoff push gave way to some actual wrestling!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!! -Oh yeah...it was Prince Iaukeanuereeves doing that actual wrestling. BOO!!!!!! -Chastity gave the fans a thrill by using a fire extinguisher......then she used it on the Prince. -Hak brought out a table...he laid the prince on it and climbed to the top rope...he jumped and front rolled onto the Prince's ribs...the table didn't give....no matter how you slice it, that shit HAD to hurt. It wouldn't surprise me if it broke a few ribs. -Hak won after throwing Iaukaka into the table again..then Knobbs, Humorous, and Jimmy Hart ran in....then Kidman ran in and dropkicked everyone...Bischoff called them the GREATEST DROPKICKS IN THE HISTORY OF MAN...SEEN ONLY HERE ON WCW MONDAY NITRO!!!!! -The brawl luckily moved it's way towards the entrance...which of course, was there only to give Hak an excuse not to go after Bischoff. -Tony, "EXCITEMENT!!! THY NAME IS NITRO!!!! -The Nitro Girls come out...Bischoff declares that Monday night is his FAVORITE TIME OF THE WEEK!!!! To nobody's surprise, he then glumly mumbled that late Tuesday afternoons are his least favorite, (see..that's when the ratings come out.....see..it's joke...haha..hee hee...heh) -Oh F-You all -opening theme. Goldberg's still in it. -Last week on Nitro someone had the brilliant idea that Rick Steiner in a cage could beat RAW's main event...among other angles. -commercials -DJ Ran demanded to know where the rowdiest section in the building was? Then the white woman under his table bit down and he learned very quickly. -The Fireworks and the fans were so loud that we could barely hear Tony scream, "THERE IS NOTHING HOTTER THAN MONDAY NITRO!!!!" -The Announcers remind us that there is yet ANOTHER pay per view coming this Sunday..... -But that wasn't why we got to see them....oh no...you see, Eric, in his QUEST to go back to the Old days when his show reigned supreme, decided to pull a stunt that he used to do when Nitro first aired....which is reveal what was happening at RAW tonight....to whit: -Bischoff, "I do know for a fact that we are going to have one HECK of a Nitro tonight. And by the way....on the competition....the guy under the hood....I..I can't mention his name but the initials are "VM"....Mc...Mc...something or another!" -Schiavone, "That's it? -Bischoff, "Yeah, I hate to blow it for anybody but.." -Schiavone, "That..that...that's all it is?" -Bischoff, "Yeah, they just keep rehashing the same old crap over and over again." -Alas....therein lies the problem for him...and why he really isn't all that bright. His idea was that if he let the cat out of the bag and ruined it for the fans..then we wouldn't switch over to RAW at 9:00. Did he REALLY think that? Did he REALLY think that his assh*le behavior would encourage us to stay and watch the NWO losers chase Ernest Miller around the ring? -Yes..he really, really did...and THAT, my friends...is why Nitro is so unbearable to watch whenever Eric is on air. -But okay...let's focus on that "same old rehashed crap over and over again" line....because as we all KNOW...Eric is ALL ABOUT originality...so, we are barely a half an hour into this..so let';s look back and see what has gone on so far that can be called "rehashed crap"... A) Someone got out of a limo B) Someone stormed around the back looking for someone else C) Someone was smoking on live TV D) A female valet interfered in a match E) A Table was used. F) A Brawl ensued after the match -I could keep this up all night......but I won't....or maybe I will. We'll see. -Anywhoo..after Eric finished his attempt to keep his audience after 9:00....he hinted at the upcoming Master P/WCW Union (oy vey...could things get any worse for this company) -Then he bragged that WCW re-signed Dennis Rodman (sigh....obviously it can). -Ladies and Gentlemen.......I give you....Desperation Bookmaking at it's BEST. The last time Rodman worked a WCW match, he was drunk out of his mind. Not to mention that he is SO old news. -Lenny Lane (who's parents almost named him "Jack Intheussr") came to the ring. Eric poked fun at Sable's little lawsuit that was dropped on Vince. I would throw a tantrum, but then it occurred to me that if the shoe was on the other foot, then I'm sure Good Ole' JR would have made a similar comment....of course, JR would have been funny....Eric just sounded petty. -Scotty Riggs came out admiring himself in a mirror. Unfortunately, Riggs youthful looks have given away to age, genetics, and possibly enough booze to make Scott Hall shudder....in other words, he looks like a fat old wife beater now. -He doesn't look very bright either. -Bischoff pointed out that Paul Orndorff used to come out with a mirror too, then advised Riggs to "be more original".....rehashed crap indeed....in fact.. G) Some shows up admiring himself in a mirror. -Oh who gives a F&*^ who won? All you need to know is that Lodi showed up midway.... -Oh God.....Eric's jokes bomb worse than mine!!! WILL SOMEONE SHOOT ME PLEASE???? I CAN'T TAKE THIS GODDAM SHOW ANYMORE!!!!!!!! -The match took forever too.....afterwards, Tony promised us three hours worth of this stuff....I kid you not. -In a pre-taped thingy, Ric Flair was trying to convince Chris Benoit to trust him again. Benjy was apprehensive. Bischoff has gone on record and essentially blamed the ratings drop on the Horsemen. heaven forbid he would blame Hogan. Hogan can do NO wrong. -Oh yeah, Saturn showed up briefly...then took off due to heart palpitations. -In the end, Benoit hugged Flair and agreed to go after Page and Bigelow for the titles tonight. -commercials -Randy Savage came out with his trollups. He had his bucket of "sewage" with him. -Savage hit the ring, grabbed the mic, and said that Kevin Nash wasn't around. Meanwhile, the announcers made sure we understood that the contents of the bucket were really, really stinky. -Savage said that he searched "everywhere" for Nash.....including in Torrie's chooch hole...he didn't find Nash, but he did find Dallas Page's old BattleBowl ring..(ahh...it's always in the last place you look isn't it?) -Man...Savage can RAMBLE....I zoned out on what he said. -Savage ended up challenging ANYONE to get out there and get "sewed" (haven't we had enough of that by now?) He even threatened the announcers....Heenan cowered, Schiavone pointed to Heenan, Bischoff acted like a tough guy. -Sting came out and decided that since A: This was Nitro, B: Since he was back. C: Since he was back in black. D: Since he's already been bitchslapped by Bret Hart, Rick Steiner, and Tank Abbott, then why doesn't he go at it with Savage later tonight. -Savage agreed, Sting said that the "Madness was on Viagra"...Savage flipped, Bischoff cheered. Bischoff sucks. -commercials -The second hour arrived.....not a moment too soon. -Raw is War arrived....not a moment too soon -The Nitro Girls did their thing.....seconds seemed like hours -footage of last week where Nash doused Savage and company......not a moment too soon. -How long is an official "moment" anyway? -Kevin Nash came to the ring with his belt in one hand and a tote bag in the other. -He hit the ring, carefully placed the bag on a chair in the center of the mat...carefully flipped his hair...then picked up the mic. -Nash made it official by saying that he was in the house. Thank Goodness...I hate it when he just pretends. -Pop Quiz: How do you know when your catchphrase officially becomes legend? -Answer: When another wrestler from another company parodies it. ("If you smell what Big Sexy is spewing!" Which got a laugh from Bischoff...who probably thought that it was an insult) -I couldn't focus on Nash's speech because some fan was able to get his voice heard...probably over Bischoff's mic...which is always opened in case inspiration hits and he has another pearl of wisdom to drop...and start screaming, "HBK, HBK, SHAWN MICHAELS, HBK, HBK, SHAWN MICHAELS, HBK, HBK!!!!!" WCW, alas, was powerless to stop him...because that would mean turning off Bischoff's mic....and well...we COULDN'T have that now could we? -Nash goofed on Savage, "(Randy Savage) doesn't like to be made to look ridiculous....I'm begging him to one time look in the mirror before he walks out here!" BA-DOOM DOOM......take my valet...please! -Nash called out Savage.... -Savage came out with the bucket...calling Nash a "stupid perseeeeon" -Savage entered the ring, giving Nash the chance to admit that he's out of his league here... -Nash jumped out of the ring, asking Savage why he brought "3 bags into the ring" while he only brought one. -Nash left, Savage's girls joined him..... -They kept bitching at each other...Savage started to beg Nash to get in there.. -Nash's tote bag began to move -More bitching..more moving....two hands came out from the bag...the hands opened the bag up. -Out of the bag came a fully grown woman...who grabbed the bucket and dumped the sewage all over Savage..... -That was....different. -Wow....that was cool. -Okay, this may take a while, so stick with me....I have some points and questions that I want to make and ask... -First of all....nice trick....great trick..Nash must have planned it..which only proves once again that Nash rules, Bischoff sucks -Second...Bob Ryder spent an entire column of his not only criticizing the WWF for that segment last week with Mark Henry in the toilet..but criticized US for NOT BEING AS OUTRAGED BY THAT AS HE IS!!!!! -BUT....that Mark Henry incident took place between 10:00 and 11:00pm...this bit..which is basically someone dumping SHIT on Randy Savage..took place BARELY after 9:00 pm....WELL within the time that children are awake.....and on the supposed "Family Friendly" Nitro. -So..my question is....WHAT IS THE GODDAM DIFFERENCE??????? Would someone PLEASE ask him to explain that? before he makes an even BIGGER ass out of himself? -Third....Rick Scaia took Herb Kunz to task for criticizing the WWF...but remains curiously quiet about Bob Ryder's equally (if not more) harsh criticism. We all know that Bob has basically reduced himself to a WCW tried and true soldier....but if Big Dicky sees fit to condone his actions, while lambasting poor Herb, who basically minds his own business....what does that make him? -WAIT...I have the answer...that makes him a HYPOCRITICAL DOUCHYBOY!!!! -Fourth...while I'm on the subject, the Web Guy who likes to call his readers "Nazis" and "Morons" is none other than Dave Scherer....TAKE A BOW DAVE!!!!!!! -Christ Allmighty...everyone on the web sucks except for me, Al Isaacs, and that guy who's days away from coming aboard SCOOPS. -Meanwhile Bischoff was laughing WAY too hard at this....Eric can't do anything right. -They showed it again.....Tony called it "A MEMORABLE MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS PROGRAM!!!!!!!!" -It takes me back to the time when I had a girl stuffed in a bag.....and let me tell you, the bitch was HEAVY. I had to...to.....do a little.....well, the bag was too small...and she was whining about whatever you broads whine about.....so I gagged her...but her voice....in my.....I still hear it in my sleep...in my dreams..that nagging.....nagging...always yapping....so I stuffed her in the.....but she wouldn't shut up.....so I gagged her...but she wouldn't.......I had to make more room...so I took my knife.....I only was going to cut her feet off....but she made so much noise...so much......SHUT UP MA!!!!! SHUT YOUR NAGGING MOUTH FOR ONCE AND LET ME THINK!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT MOTHER!!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!! I CAN'T..........YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH -The best sex in the word is when she has no arms...and no legs....and no head....with no mouth that never stops....even today.....it never stops.....she never shuts up...none of you broads do....but you'll get yours...all of you.....you'll get yours......damn you. I got more bags...lots and lots of bags.....one day I'll show you what's inside....it's in there...you just have to look deep.....oh yes...deeper.....deeper. -Dallas Page came out with Bam Bam Bigelow -Ric Flair came out with Chris Benoit....Arn Anderson was along for the ride. -It's a match......in my honest opinion...I have no problems with either team taking the strap. -Benoit started out going right after both of them...Bischoff tried to make up for 4 years of abuse by praising his technical skills ad naseum. -Bischoff inserted his foot in his mouth YET again.......first he complimented Benoit for not wanting to branch out into other things and just wanting to WRESTLE DAMMIT...BENOIT IS WRESTLING...WRESTLING IS BENOIT -THEN...not 30 seconds later...Bischoff decided to plug Hulk Hogan's newest movie "Assault on Death Mountain" on TNT (The BEST Movie Studio on Television) calling it "even better than the first one". -Which isn't much of a compliment really....two hours of watching Tony's waist expand would be better than the first one. Two hours of watching Rikki Rachtman dye that clump of hair would be better than the first one. Two hours of watching your dog pant in this UnGodly heat would be better than the first one. -I could go all night with this....and many of you already think I have. -Bischoff is Executive Producer of that movie.....in case you didn't know. -Other than a brief segment midway...Benoit spent most of the match in the ring. -I COULD spend more time on Bischoff's horrendous commentary...but enough's enough....it's time for a change. -Oh I can't..I have to comment on this one, little thing....Bigelow and Benoit were down...Flair started to slam his turnbuckle... -Heenan, "Flair really wants in.." -Bischoff, "Either that or he's really hot at that turnbuckle!!" -.................................................. -.......................................................... -........................................... -..................you know....I never thought that I would hear myself say this but...Bischoff really and truly...... -OOPS....out of page....gotta go to page 2 to hear the rest.. Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 2