Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Let's take it home...6/9/99
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-Okay.....as I was saying.....I never thought that I would hear myself say this but...Bischoff really and truly......
-is funnier than MANCOW!!!!!!!!!!!! YYYEAAAAHHH SCREW YOU CHICAGO!!!!! SCREW YOU GIRLCOW LOVERS!!!! YOU ALL SUCK...MANCOW SUCKS!!!!!! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!!!!!! BOOYAAAAA
-Didn't see that one coming did'ja?
-Benoit went to tag Flair....but Flair slowly walked away laughing...Arn Anderson was pissed....
-Then Arn took off his shirt and demanded to be tagged in....
-WHAT???? HE'S GONNA GET CRIPPLED??!?!?! NO ARN!!! NOOOOOOOO
-I am serious...Arn Anderson is the only guy in WCW who has made it through the Bischoff era with 100% of his dignity still intact
-DAMMIT ARN!!!! STAY DOWN!!! YOU CAN'T FIGHT ANYMORE!!!! IN A MATCH BETWEEN YOU AND OWEN...OWEN WOULD KICK YOUR ASS!!!!!!.
-Then Saturn ran in and took Arn's place....DAMMIT ARN..GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THERE..NOT SATURN..NOOOOOOOOOOO
-Saturn took the tag.....gave DDP the DVD...and we have new tag champs....meanwhile, Arn broke 5 toes when he dropped back down to the floor...he didn't notice until he was in the showers and they plugged up his faucet.
- meanwhile, Bigelow and Page attacked Saturn and Benoit..then Kanyon joined them and turned against Saturn...not that anyone cares.
-Bischoff said that he was running backstage......perhaps this show can be saved now?
-commercials ....see Anthony Michael Hall branch out from all those nerd roles he used to play in the 80's and play...err... Bill Gates?
-DJ Ran introduced a new Nitro segment called "Keep It Real"...then asked the crowd to make noise if they dreamed about the Nitro Girls. (I dreamt that I took Fyre and showed her my special tote bag.....and the surprise inside..come on baby...look deeper...get your face in their....don't look at me...what? why am I holding this hammer? No reason....look in the bag...go ahead...look deeper...deeeeeeper.
-Two Luchadors took on two other Luchadors in a "Mexican Hardcore Match".....the two Luchadors won.
-It was a startlingly good match too...those guys killed themselves.
-plug for Hulk Hogan's newest movie "Assault on Death Mountain" on TNT (The BEST Movie Studio on Television) or as I like to call it, "Carl Weathers....what happened?"
-commercials
-I've had enough of DJ Ran
-Backstage fun with the slow death that is the NWO...they are actually arguing about Ernest Miller.
-Speak of the Devil-who-teaches-Bischoff's-kid...Ernest Miller showed up...just as Tony was announcing Nitro at the New Orleans "Superdome" in two weeks.....tickets were still available. Remember when Nitro would sell out months in advance?
-Miller did his thing...
-Horace came out.
-Later....the NWO chased Miller around the ring and out of the arena.....if you feel the need to have more info...then you have my pity.
-commercials
-Rumor has it that the third hour just arrived.....NOW???? I THOUGHT IT CAME 30 MINUTES AGO!!!!! JEEZUS!!!!!!
-Gene Okerlund said it was time for a "Reality Check"....then brought out Roddy Piper
-Suddenly, I regret skipping that Horace/Miller match.
-Well...as usual....it was by the numbers...I've been through this already.....I won't go through it again.
-EXCEPT....the Cleveland crowd was HOT for him...what is WRONG with you people?
-Stunts like that only serve to keep him around instead of that final retirement that WE oh so richly deserve.
-Long story short...he called out Buff Bagwell.....something to do with him being one of the "young lions" bitching about never getting the main event push
-As Al pointed out, Piper had used the fact that Bagwell never worked a Madison Square Garden show as a weakness on his part....instead of praising him for his loyalty to one company...but okay, it's Piper....who will most likely never set foot in a MSG ring again...and he's forever stuck in the 80's.
-Bagwell pointed out that very concept....telling Piper that it isn't 1975 anymore, then advised him to change his boots and his kilt for once....Amen...you little fagola
-Basically, Piper told Bagwell that if he can somehow defeat Flair at the "Great American Bash" (HA!!! At this point, Bischoff would have Flair job to Sean Shannon in the middle of Greensville, North Carolina)..then he will give Bagwell the "ball and let him run with it"...I have no idea what the "ball" is or how it pertains to Bagwell, but Tony seemed to think that this was Earth shattering.
-plug for Hulk Hogan's newest movie "Assault on Death Mountain" on TNT (The BEST Movie Studio on Television) or as I like to call it, "Kryptonite to Masterpiece Theatre"
-commercials
-Randy Savage's little hoo-ers were in the Limo.....a BLACK limo now (remember...we have the memory spans of Goldfish...it was ALWAYS black).
-Nash walked by...."Duca" called him over and asked him to help them open a bottle of Champagne
-Nash insisted on them getting out so he can check the Limo.
-Nash had the driver pop open the trunk so he could stash his....err...stash
-Nash got in..the girls insisted that he get in first.
-Nash is dumber than wallpaper
-Savage is the Limo driver....groovy camera angles allow us to feel like we are in the limo with Nash
-Savage drives a few feet..leaps out and screams "GET HIM!!"
-A big car (a Humvee??) smashes into the Limo several times
-the Car drives away
-Nash punches out the window to show us all that he is okay.
-The camera man inside the car with Nash died tragically....it was Bret Hart's dimwitted brother Earl......DAMMIT...I KNEW BISCHOFF WOULD FIND SOME WAY TO GRAB THE MAINSTREAM ATTENTION AWAY FROM VINCE!!!!!!
-Good Lord....two Harts die within two weeks of each other! That poor family.
-commercials
-Bobby dunCUM Jr. came out with Curt Henning.
-Hennig assumed mic duties
-Rey Mysterio came out with K-Dawg
-K-Dawg assumed mic duties next to DJ Ran
-I promise myself to skip this match the first time K-Dawg calls someone a "strawberry"
-K-Dawg calls Hennig a "strawberry".....GOODNIGHT!!!!!!
-I wonder how Bischoff will feel once Master P gets confused and pops a cap into Hennig's dome with his "gat"?
-commercials
-Schiavone and Heenan weep over Nash's injuries....yet remain quiet about cameraman Earl Hart....RAT BASTARDS!!!!!!!!! HE HAD A FAMILY DAMMIT...A FAMILY!!!!!!!
-The family wasn't all that bright either....BUT IT WAS A FAMILY NEVERTHELESS
-They re-showed the Nash incident
-Tony asked who was driving the "Hummer"...well, I hear Torrie can "drive a hummer" like nobody's business...and she accepts American Express
-commercials
-more commercials
-Tony pushes the Hotline....bragging that OUR HOTLINE CHASED THE OTHER HOTLINE OFF THE PHONELINES!!!!!!!!
-DJ Ran asked the fans to scream "Hell Yeah" if they agreed that Cleveland was rocking tonight...either that or STEVE AUSTIN REJOINED WCW...AND GOT A HELL OF A TAN T'BOOT!!!!!
-Scott Steiner came out with his brother Rick
-More and more Rick looks like he should be singing back up for the Village People.
-Scott didn't mispronounce a single word...alas
-Poor Rick....he tries so hard to remember his lines.....you almost feel sorry for him.
-Rick told Sting to "bite him"...TNT censored that out......this is the weirdest show on television
-commercials
-footage of Savage getting dunked by that chick tonight
-Disco Inferno came out (What?)
-Disco demanded some mic time (HUH?)
-Disco blasted Bagwell for not berating Piper when he had his chance...then said that he finally understood why they tossed him out of the Wolfpack (WHAA)
-Disco challenged Bagwell for a match right then and there...in the third hour (?????)
-Bagwell came out and said that even though he was tossed out of the Wolfpack, DINF was never IN the Wolfpack (JWAA??)
-DINF attacked (Lord....is Nitro trying to beat "Roots" as the longest miniseries ever?)
-Tony announced that Bischoff is online right now answering questions about Kevin Nash....if you cross your fingers and pray VERY hard...he may even take a shot or two at Vince McMahon.
-No one segment could handle the excitement of a Disco Inferno match...so we had to sit through some
-commercials
-before getting the heart stopping finale...which I would reveal.....but why ruin the surprise
-commercials
-One of the Nitro Girls got a solo dance.....I think it was the dumb one
-commercials
-Randy Savage came out with the chicks
-Sting came out
-Gorgeous George jumped on top of Sting....Savage went on the attack
-Savage threw Sting outside...Ms Madness and Madusa attacked
-Sting.....jeeze...Sting got his ass whupped...no offense at all.
-Savage threw powder into Sting
-Then Ms Madness went for a top rope Hurracarana....Sting shoved her off (YEAH!!!!!!!)
-Savage knocked out the ref and piledrove him...a second ref ran in and called for the bell.
-Sting gave Savage the Stinger Splash...Savage put Ms Madness in the way and she was sandwiched (oh I doubt that was a first for her)
-Sting tried it again, Savage got Madusa in front of him...she was sandwiched (I KNOW that she ain't no cherry in the sandwich department)
-Sting was worried and asked Madusa if she was okay...Madusa nodded her head yes...too bad the camera was in their faces so we could all see it
-Sting went for the Trifecta....this time George was pushed away by Savage....Sting connected (Somehow, I doubt Gorgeous George would turn down a sandwich like that)
-The Steiners ran in...Sting took a beating
-Luger ran in...Sting was saved.
-The show ended..I was saved.
Oh come on...lousy main event...unbelievable spot with Nash getting hit by a car....and Bischoff.....lots and lots of Bischoff. RAW wasn't great either..but it basically embarrassed Bischoff by taking what we THOUGHT was the big news of the show..and making it secondary to the even BIGGER news.....it swerved us all..and swerved Bischoff, who thought he was going to ridicule it by giving away the BS secret. Bischoff ended up looking like a moron..and he even played right into their hands too. Good job Eric...keep it up.
This is a VERY important closer...because I am going to ask you for something..and will give something back in return.
So....ScoopThis.com is running a "Best of the Net" awards bit. I thought that they may have dropped the whole concept because for the last two weeks, instead of running the ad, they ran an INCREDIBLY SLEAZY picture of Owen Hart reading their column in the WOW magazine.....(Seriously, if I wrote that Owen Hart's last words were "READ THE MOP-UP ON SCOO...."...how would that be different from what they did? Well, for one, I would be doing it for tasteless comedy. They did it for REAL. Sadly though, they couldn't find any picture of Owen LAUGHING at what he was reading....alas...alas.)
Anyway....they are running these awards......and although most of the awards will be predetermined by them...(I am a LOCK for "Best Feud"..I should get "Best Recapper" if they had any sense of fairness...which they don't so Zimmerman will get it) there are four categories that will be voter determined. Best Site, two others..and Best Columnist/Reporter.....which is why I am talking about it...
I want that F-ing award.
Okay..right about now, I'd say half of you are about to walk away saying, "THAT guy? Best REPORTER?? What a JOKE!!"
My thoughts EXACTLY.
The whole thing is a joke.....I know that, Al Isaacs knows that (I asked him to put a bid in), anyone with a brain should know that. In fact, the only people who probably DON'T think of it as a joke are the people at ScoopThis...they are laughably serious about their own stunts.....going so far as to drop them if nobody else wants to play along (anyone remember, "I Can't Believe It's A Contest"?). But this isn't meant to be a huge attack on the site. They do what they do...and they even got their asses into a monthly magazine....so they must be doing something right....(that something being self aggrandizing...in which they are the uncontested masters at).
Anywhoo...I want that award.....because in a Web filled with 14 year old kids and insecure lard asses, I rule supreme. Besides, since it IS a joke...and I am pretty much a joke too..it's only natural that I take it right?
Remember..it's best REPORTER/COLUMNIST....I may not be much of a reporter...but I don't care if you hate me with every fiber of your being....I don't care if you detest everything I do or say...you have GOT to admit....in your deepest, darkest thoughts...that once in a great while...you bust a gut laughing at something I write.
Okay, so let's break down some of the reasons why I should get the vote....
-I have NEVER asked you to click on a sponsor
-I have NEVER arranged my column so that you could accidentally click on a sponsor
-I point out hypocrisies from other web guys
-I'm not part of any silly "click"
-I'm fair..if Nitro was good..I say so
-How many people imitate my style now huh? I read a column last week from someone bragging about how he got laid last Monday...who used to do that?
-I piss off Sean Shannon to no end
-I piss off a LOT of people...only Sean has the balls to fight back (gotta give him that)
-Wait...F-That..I don't have to give him anything...he just does it so I might one day mention his site's name and make his fat ass famous.
-If I DID report the news..it would be more than an update once a week
-I ADMIT to reading other people's work
-I give opinions and stick by them..I don't sit on the fence like a rube, afraid to piss anyone off.
-I don't call someone a prick for badmouthing the WWF, but stay quiet when someone who I am in allegiance to does the same thing.
-I've gotten laid in the 90's
-I'm American.
-I came up with an original name for my column..not some riff on another phrase.
-I'm old enough to vote, drink, drive, and enlist.
-And I'm not afraid to start off my sentences with the word "and".
-I like porn
-I was the only guy alive with the balls to make fun of Patterson
-I single handily kept the SCOOPS Written Word alive
-I have no problems with you liking WCW...so long as your cool with me trashing it when it needs trashing.
-I can make Web guys leave town for months on end if I really work at it.
-I see this for what it is.
-I thank the people who put signs up with my name on them
-I answer my e-mail...or at least try to get to as many as possible
-I produce a 50 or so page novella every week.
-I've been trying real hard to be on time lately
-I handle deaths with class
-I apologize when I go over the line
-You never know what you are going to get when you read a new column.
-I'm not afraid to go over the line
-I can be pretty gosh darn funny at times.
-You are heartbroken when I disappear for a week.
-I see no need to cover each and every friggin' detail of each and every friggin' match
-I didn't tape the Jesse Ventura story.
-I have never seen an episode of "Thunder".
-I call Hollywood Hogan Hulk
-I DON'T MAKE PREDICTIONS!
-I'm on ICQ quite a bit and I NEVER demand authorization before letting you take me as a "Buddy"
-I recap 5 GODDAM HOURS OF WRESTLING ASND STILL FIND TIME FOR BAD JOKES!!!!!
-I work for SCOOPS....where at any moment, my columns might be scrutinized by Remy "The Slammer" Artieaga
-I've spawned more rip offs than Stern
-I worship Homer Simpson
-I worship Queen
-I worship the old Van Halen
-I worship God.
-I hate Goldberg
-I goof on myself more than anything else
-The UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ was a forgotten ghost before I came around.
-I know the AntiChrist...and his name is Dillenger.
-I'm not bothering you to click onto my "Day Job" web site
-My "day job" has NOTHING to do with the web.
-Of all the other web guys out there..I'm the one you want to be drinking beers with.
-Who else has kept you updated on the evils of the "Familia"?
-ScoopThis HATES me....they would HATE it if I won...anyone who's been with me for the last year and a half knows why
-Let's face it....I am the whole F'K'N show
There you have it...the best I can do. Everything I can come up with as to why I should get the prize. It's stupid, childish, and it means nothing....
But it would piss SO MANY PEOPLE OFF
Go ahead..tell me that it wouldn't be a kick to do that.
Of course...even if I did win...STC would probably rig it so someone else would win....it's their show...they make the rules..and they aren't above doing a little "creative tweaking" in order to steer things their way...
But..if enough of you vote for me...then they wouldn't have much of a choice now would they?
Of course they would..but let's see if they are an straight up site..or just as petty as all the rest.
Oh yeah...what do YOU get? Well, here is my promise. If you go to ScoopThis..and vote for me as "Best Reporter/Columnnist".....and I win....here's what I will PROMISE...NAY..GUARENTEE....
No more weeks off for the rest of the year...no more vacations...no emergencies..nothing. Every week, a brand new Mop-Up...guaranteed.
I don't care if Austin, Vince, Nash, the Rock, Savage, Flair, Arn, and Al Isaacs are bombed by terrorists at some sort of Convention......I don't care if the H-Bomb drops on Madison Square Garden in the middle of a live RAW with President Clinton in attendance....I'll do a fresh column for that week.
How's about dem apples? What do you say?
Come on..let's go and piss some dickheads off.
This is Hyatte
Chris Hyatte
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