Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Okay, let's get this over with...6/9/99 Mop-Up RAW "You should be ashamed of yourself for being such a Nazi that you can't allow for the fact that other people have the right to their opinions. You sir, are a moron." (WELL KNOWN WEB COLUMNIST showing his gratitude to one of his readers for taking the time to read his column and write to him. I'll reveal the name of this gracious, caring fellow in the Nitro column) Hello, I'm Chris and this is la Moppito-Uppito...a cheesy look at the weekly orgasm that is Monday night rasslin'. If you don't read every single word of this column, and the Nitro recap...then I will personally go to your home and molest your girlfriend's cat!! Then I'll get nasty and kill her pet Siamese too. Listen...I never ask you for anything....I really don't. But this week, that all changes. In the Closer at the bottom of the Nitro recap, I have a favor to ask from each and every one of you. It's an easy favor....small change really....wioll take no time at all....and I will consider it a show of gratitude from you for all the hard work I've put into these columns for the last 2 years. BUT...and here is what makes me different from everybody...if you help me out with this favor..I will perform a deed for EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!! Kind of a "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" type of deal. It's in the closer...please read it..and if you want to help me...then please do so.. I am very serious....do me this solid and I'll do YOU one..it's all outlined in the closer. So, last week I was farting around the Internet and I decided to check my Hotmail account to see if it was still active. Well, I got there and found over 50 letters from people responding to my Wrestlemania Mop-Up from two months back. I'm not sure why they wrote to the Hotmail account, but now I feel like a prick for not responding to them and thanking them for the response. People..if you want to get in touch with me, you HAVE to write to glorydog@msn.com.....because it's my primary addy now. Write to the Hotmail account and I probably won't answer. Thanks to everyone who complimented me on last week's column...I'm pretty happy with it too. I noticed that the amount of letters I get drop when it's posted on Thursday....so I'll have to make sure to get everything in for Wednesday mornings now. Then there is the issue of not doing a column at all..but I address that more fully in the Closer. Let's talk a little about TV....first, I am thrilled to see that HBO (who kicks TNT's ASS when it comes to original programming......even though Ted Turner owns both networks....kind of) is going to rerun "The Sopranos" first season all Summer long. Since I have been waiting to see the show, you know I'll have my VCR set. Hell, I may even wait until all the shows have aired before watching them. Everyone I talked to says that the show rules...I can't wait to see for myself. So, between "The Sopranos" and the new season of "OZ" coming in July...my VCR will be grinding away all Summer long. I pulled this off the latest edition of "Entertainment Weekly"....needless to say, it completely creamed my Fruit of the Looms.... (Talking about the upcoming Emmy Nominations) "In the always-a-jumble category of best "Variety, Music, or Comedy Series', "The Late Show with David Letterman' won last year, and deserves to even more so this year. Despite excellent work by Conan O'Brien, Letterman's show has shifted into a higher gear this year--Dave's doing the funniest monologue and has the best running gags, including the ongoing "Secret Word' and the self-proclamation of "Late Show' as "The Official Talk Show of the Millennium.' No joke: It really is." With more press like that, maybe Dave can knock that A-hole Leno off the top and reclaim his rightful position as the ratings King. I make no apologies for my worship of Letterman...I grew up watching his show every day, after school, on videotape. He is inventive, charming, and completely against any "Show Business" bullshit that Leno revels in. There's a reason why Carson prefers Dave over Jay. My thanks to EW television writer Ken Tucker for his good taste. The REAL irony here is that while I hope for Dave to re-take the ratings which he lost to Leno...I absolutely DREAD the week that Nitro takes back all the ratings that RAW took from them.....if only because it would mean more of Bischoff going on Prodigy and bragging about how he personally ruined Vince McMahon's Empire....again. Speaking of Eric..if you have ANY BELIEF that he really has stopped being the dickhead from yesteryear....I urge you to go check out the transcript from his appearance on Bob Ryder's WCW Live. I think Scherer still has the transcript from last week. He's just as ego-maniacal as ever...my personal favorite part is when he admits that the guy who rigged Owen Hart's "Flying gear" used to do the same for WCW....but only part time and he certainly NEVER HOOKED UP STING!!!!! It's a classic example of a man covering his ass...badly. My second favorite part was when Eric said that the WWF "Smackdown" will probably take a "nick" out of Thunder's audience...but it'll only force them to produce a better show. What a prick....Thunder has SUCKED since day one...I can't even bring myself to WATCH the show. Smackdown isn't going to take a "nick" it of that 2.5 rating that it struggles to get...it's going to POUND THAT SHOW INTO FRIGGIN' BONE POWDER Finally...I can proudly say...without any ifs, ands, or buts.... HE IS COMING....AND SCOOPS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! Wait until you see who it is....I expect a LOT of jaws to drop. Okay, that's enough. It's time to get things going. Pick up "dem crack pipes, you degenerate junkies and raid your Grandmother's purse for her Social Security check...it's time to light "em up, suck the smoke in deeply...and wallow in your own feces as the glorious pipe takes you to a beautiful, beautiful place.....ahhh yeah...baby...ahh yeeaaaahhhhhh...oh yeah, when you be high on da pipe..all the jokes that you are about to read seem barnd F'K'N new.. hey..that should be my slogan....."The Mop-Up: If your high on the Pipe, it's new to you!" RAW IS WAR: (or If Vince is God.....then maybe he can explain Joey Buttafuco) -opens with the current trails and tribulations of Steve Austin...played under "Fortuna imperatrix mundi" by Orff...which would make taking a poop on camera seem exciting. -well..if it was a particularly large crap....wait..what am I talking about? THAT IS DISGUSTING!!!!!! THAT IS DESPICABLE, SICKENING COMMENTARY!!! NOT ONLY AM I SHOCKED AT MYSELF, BUT I AM SHOCKED AT YOU PEOPLE FOR NOT BEING AS OUTRAGED AS I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU PEOPLE!!!!!! -Kids today.....good golly miss molly. -Slow Mo shot of the "Higher Power".....Jim Ross promises that the secret will be revealed tonight....screw it..I'm reversing my stance and saying that it's Owen Hart...IT'LL BE THE SWERVE OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!! NOBODY WILL SEE THIS COMING!!!!!!!!!!! -opening theme...shots of that Rena woman have been edited out quicker than you can say "Ungrateful wench". -Pyro opens the show...they are at the Fleet Center in Boston, Massachusetts...home of the Celtics.....where a starting team that had 3 white guys were able to win the championship on numerous occasions.....during the Age of Jordan t'boot.....try to wrap your brains around THAT fact -kicking off the show is none other than Vincent K (100 million? Please, I spend that much on Rug Glue!) McMahon.....eager to get this over with since Bischoff ruined the surprise for everyone already. -Vince is in his rasslin' gear...what better way to show off those "as natural as Cher's face" arms. -He's wasting little time...getting right into the topic at hand....who is this "Greater Power".....and how this creature has been "weaving his wicked web of evil" (Huh? Who is writing this crap?? ARE THESE TERRY TAYLOR'S SCINTILATTINGLY SCRIBED SENTENCES?) -So..who is this guy? Well, Vince ran down some of the names he has heard bandied about...such as: -Shawn Michaels...(of course, one would think a being capable of such evil could get out of bed without using a pulley) -One of the McMahon family members....(well, I hear Linda can be a real shrew...and if you try to get to third base with Stephanie....well..does the phrase "Venus Fly Trap" help paint a picture?) -Jake "The Snake" Roberts....What? Is he coming back? Again? If so, please tell me he lost that belly. -The Bartender at the end of the block.. (WHAT??? AHMED JOHNSON?) -The thing is...Vince doesn't care who the GP is...he's got a 100 million dollar lawsuit to sweat about..not too mention the Hart Family lawsuit that's just on the horizon. -Vince figured that it's Shane McMahon. So, he challenged Shane to a "No hold's barred" match tonight.... -To sweeten the pot, Vince offered to put up his 50% of the company against Shane's 50%....winner takes the WWF. -Shane came out.....looking like he never inherited his Father's love for the gym..or the horse pee. -Shane accepted the challenge, but said that he was NOT the Higher Power.....but he'll have the Undertaker bring him out..and he'll show his face to the world...unfortunately, it'll have to wait until... -Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler talk up the night's events...none of which really went down as it turned out. -Ross, "WE ARE JUST MOMENTS AWAY FROM REVEALING THE SECRET OF THE HIGH.....wait a second....Bischoff said WHAT???? OH THAT LITTLE DICK SON OF A BIT... -quick shot of Austin backstage....talking to someone in a white Limo...it was actually the guy who brought Randy Savage in an hour early.....he had to hit a few Nuns in order to get to Boston from Cleveland in an hour. -commercials -The Corporate Ministry came out...they entered the ring. There was no Shane. -UT lectured us on whatever the F^%$ he lectures about nowadays....come on, let's just get this over with... -A man in a robe came out.....he was wearing gloves...to hide his man hands and helped sell the female option. -The Higher Power entered the ring....and put the mic to his face. -Shane's voice could be heard....(IT'S SHANE!!!!!! WHAT A HORRIBLE SCREWJOB) -Shane came out..it's not Shane COME ONNNN OWEN.....NOBODY BELIEVED THAT YOU DIED ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! -Shane entered the ring...talking about how the GP is skilled at the Mind F&^% and is a cold, heartless, strategist. -Then Shane said that the GP was also a fall down drunk...(MY GOD!!! JAKE'S BACK!!!!!!!!) -Then Shane said that the GP loved scissors AND softball and he HATED Arn Anderson....(HOLY COW!!!!! IT'S SID, IT'S SID!!!!!!!!!!) -He invited Vince out to witness this..... -Vince came on the TitanTron and said that he was "close enough right where he was standing" and demanded that the "demonic SOB" show his face right bloody now... -It's go time....The HP slowly lifted his cowl.... -IT'S OWEN, IT'S OWEN...IT WAS JUST A WORK!! I KNEW IT!!!!!! ENOUGH WAS SIMPLY ENOUGH AND IT WAS TIME FOR A CHANGE!!!!!!!!!! OH THANK GOD...THE NIGHTMARE IS OV... -It was Vince McMahon under the cowl.....DAMMIT..... -"IT'S ME AUSTIN!!!! IT'S ME AUSTIN!!!!! IT WAS ME ALL ALOOONG AUSTIN!!!!!!" -I guess Owen really is dead then. -damn -I don't know why....but for some reason, I cracked up at the passion of Jim Ross saying, "Aw son of a BITCH!!!!" (Either he was pissed at Vince, or he just learned that the Ham Sandwich he thought someone stole out of his bag 3 hours ago was stuck to his face the whole time) -"YOU ALL BOUGHT IT.....HOOK...LINE...AND SINKER!!" -I give it two weeks before Bischoff goes Heel again. -He accused Austin of driving him to this.....that Stone Cold drove him loco this past year. -Vince started to thank everyone in the Ministry/Corporation by name...except for the Acolytes....he just stared that them blankly them mumbled, "and I want to thank you..the red neck and the black guy...what are your names again?" -Okay...this is what separates the men from the boys...and this is why Bischoff is a moron...because not only did he THINK he was ruining the entire show...but he actually helped Vince SELL the REAL angle that was going down tonight..... -Stephanie McMahon and Linda McMahon came out and stood by the entrance way... -Stephanie asked her Father and Brother how they could do such awful things to her these last few weeks. -Vince humphed and hawed....then said that it was just business. -Then Linda took the mic...NOW WE'RE GONNA SEE A LITTLE ASS WHUPPIN'!!!! -Linda said, "Okay Vince, let's talk business!" -Vince publicly announced that he loved his wife....Lawler seemed to think that was all that was needed. -Linda loved Vince too....but this is a business chat. -First of all, Linda corrected Vince by reminding him that she and Stephanie each owned 25% of the company...and this morning, she called an Emergency meeting among the board members. -Linda said that there will be some changes at the Office.....such as... -a casual dress code...cut off jeans are now allowed. -Profanity will now be allowed in the office.... -by now the crowd was slowly getting it. They saw what was coming...or at least started to. -Alcohol on the job was now allowed......now the crowd was getting it. -Linda then said that she stepped down as the CEO of the WWF.....but not before she picked her successor.... -Huge pop..they know what was coming -So didn't Lawler, "Oh no!!" -Then Linda introduced the new CEO of the WWF......(HUGE POP) -WELL ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!!!! -Holy MOLEY!!!!!! OWEN IS ALIVE!!!! AND HE'S RUNNING TITAN SPORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Oh..it was Austin...the kid is still gone...aw shit. -Austin came out with a red tie and a new Austin baseball shirt. $49.99...but think of all the trim you'll get. -Austin began a loooong diatribe...including one MONSTER flub... - "When you take a sonafabitch like me, and put him in a Corporate setting...it takes a while to get....the adjustments down just right. But, as you say Vince.....none the less....in any event...uhh....Hell yeah?" -When you look at it close enough....all this accomplished was a new way for the WWF to eat up time and set up the rest of the night's events.....which they do practically every week anyway. -First off the bat, Austin decreed that he will fight Vince and Shane in a Handicapped match at the King of the Ring...taking a second to point out that Austin very much understands the value of the King of the Ring PPV -Second, Shane would fight Kane and X-Pac in a handicapped tag match tonight. Austin wished the "little bastard" luck -You know.....I truly believe that Austin was a little but sauced...a bit tipsy...a bit...a bit...a bit.... -Let's face it...Austin seemed drunker than Ted Kennedy during 4th of July at the Compound -Third, Austin gave the three remaining Union members, Test, Shamrock, and the Big Show a free pass tonight...they could do or fight whatever or whomever they want. -Austin took a second to wish Mick Foley well.......suddenly, Austin is a pussy....GOLDBERG WOULDN'T TRY THAT!!!!!! GOLDBERG RULES ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Fourth, Austin told HHH that he'll have to fight the Rock in a Cast Match....HHH will have a cast put on his leg and fight the Rock. -That pretty much killed it. -Geeze....they did it AGAIN....they had everyone guessing and obsessing about the....the.. -People..they had the PRESIDENT OF THE COMPETITION TRY TO DEFUSE THE SITUATION BY ANNOUNCING WHO THE HIGHER POWER WAS!!!! BUT THAT WAS ONLY A SMOKE SCREEN IN ORDER TO KEEP THE REAL SURPRISE OF THE NIGHT A TOTAL SECRET!!!!!!!!!! -I don't care if you love them or not....that was a move of sheer brilliance. You have GOT to admit. -The segment ended with Ross publicly thanking Eric Bischoff for being....well, for being himself. -Backstage, Linda and Stephanie present Austin with a suitcase filled with beers....he gave one to each of the girls and drank a toast. Test walked by, saw Stephanie getting bombed...and a lightbulb formed over his head. -The Brood came to the ring.... -The Acolytes came to the ring.....okay, so ONE of those matches Ross plugged made it to the ring...so sue me for being human...better yet, get in line and sue the WWF! -Ross talked about how the Ministry had been "One Upped" by Linda and Stone Cold....not just them, the whole Internet was bamboozled -Michael (P.S. I'm fat and old) Hayes showed up with the Hardy Boyz and interfered enough so that Bradshaw could level one of them with a huge clothesline and end things promptly enough. The subsequent brawl erupted subsequently. -We see the Union walking down a hall. -commercials
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