Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Page two..or Page Deux in French...6/9/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -The Union came to the ring....we see Vince and Shane sitting backstage watching this... -Michael Cole was in the ring....because he cleaned the toilets already. -The question here is what will the Union members do with the free pass Austin gave them? -First, Paul Wight congratulated Austin on being the "Toughest SOB he ever met" AND the "Toughest CEO he ever met"...(Oh...I bet that's a LIE! Get a few shots of Tequila in him (err...better make that a gallon jug...with a foot long worm) then ask him to tell some horror stories. -Then Wight said that he wanted to fight the Undertaker tonight..for the WWF title. -Ken Shamrock gave a "shout out" (Oh shut up..."shout outs".....what? Does EVERYONE want to be a black rapper nowadays??) to Mick Foley...who deserves the rest more than anyone I can think of. -Then Kenny said that he was supposed to fight Jeff Jarrett in the Octagon tonight.....he was supposed to abuse him tonight...but instead, he would like to "abuse" someone else. -Then Ken Shamrock DROPPED HIS PANTS, PULLED OUT HIS LITTLE(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION.....WE THOUGHT THAT AFTER LAST WEEK'S TOUCHING OWEN TRIBUTE, YOU MAY HAVE GROWN UP A LITTLE HYATTE...WHY DO YOU KEEP DISAPPOINTING US??)HAT ABOUT HIM??? WHAT ABOUT MY LUCKY CHARM??????? SEE WHAT STEROIDS HAVE DONE? -Then Kenny seemed to have snapped out of it...remembered the script...and told Vince McMahon that he wanted his old ass in the Octagon. Because he felt betrayed by Vince after helping him back in the day (IE: Two months ago) -Now it was Test's turn. Test wanted one person in the ring with him tonight....and called out Stephanie McMahon. -Stephanie came out.....you know she loo......no...I better not. -She came down the aisle......you really can se....NO..DAMMIT HYATTE..BE SMART AND SHUT UP...SHE'S AN INNOCENT LITTLE GIRL....SHE DOESN'T NEED ANY CRITICISM FROM YOU!!!!! -Stephanie hit the ring and...and....Oh God...Oh man..does she LOOK..DON'T DO THIS CHRIS..STIOP IT RIGHT NOW -NO..YOU SHUT UP....SHE'S JUST LIKE ALL THE REST!!!!!!! SHE'D JUST AS SOON SPIT IN MY FACE THAN TALK TO ME!!!!!! SHE'D BURN ME TO THE GROUND LIKE THEY ALL DO!!!!!!! SHE'S RICH!!!!! SHE'S SNOTTY!!!!! SHE MUST PAY...SHE MUST PAY!!!!! THEY ALL MUST PAY DAMMIT!!! -Who the Hell am I arguing with anyway -Anywhoo..as I was saying...you look at Stephanie....and you see a rather pretty girl.....but then you look a bit harder...and you see the nose..the mouth...the eyes..and you see Vince McMahon's features......and all you can say after that is...Oh ICK -Stephanie McMahon...the only chick alive who makes me feel like a Homo for wanting to bang her. -Test asked her out on a date...seeing how Austin got her half bagged already...Test figures that it'll be and easy score. -Stephanie accepted...Vince and Shane freaked out. -And let's not forget...Test used to road for Motley Crue...who collectively have had more porn stars than most of us have bowel movements...think they showed Test a thing or two? -Conclusion, Stephy will have Jumper cables clamped on her nipples by midnight. -commercials -X-Pac came out.... -Kane came out. I like how Lawler has to scream in fear whenever Kane's fireworks explode. -The second hour arrived -Shane came out...looking ready to go. He motions to X-Pac to kick things off. -Pop Quiz...Why does Shane always wear baggy shirts, pullovers, windbreakers, or sports jackets? -Answer....Because that paunchy middle does NOT a McMahon maketh -After getting some X-Chops..Shane rolled out of the ring and ran towards the exit... -Kane was standing in his way...Shane u-turned on a dime -and ran right into an X-Pac roundhouse kick..which didn't even breathe on him..but he sold it well enough. -It's what you would expect....a major beatdown.... -But it's Shane we are talking about here..so he didn't get pinned. -Instead, two guys wearing Mankind masks charged the ring and hit Kane. Kane dropped Shane, who rolled out and an like Hell. -The two Foleys took off their mask...it was Rodney and Pete Gas -Suddenly, out from the back charged Gerald Brisco and Patrick C Patterson....who attacked the two from behind, beat on them a little, then tossed them into the ring. -Kane and X-Pac both had some fun with the two punks...... -Brisco was jovial..posing to the camera -Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages...I present to you...the ONLY two Patterson jokes of the evening: -Pat was...well..Pat was a bit more sober....he looked straight in the camera and said, "Poking holes in the wall of the LADIES DRESSING ROOM? IS THIS WHOLE WORLD SICK??? THAT IS DISGUSTING!!! OH ICKY POO POO BLEAAACH" -Then Pat went backstage to continue his "therapy" with Ken Shamrock...Kenny has some issues...and after that ugly incident early tonight...it's up to old Pat to held "guide him" through. -We see the Rock walking around..... -We see HHH walking out of a room with his leg heavily cast -commercials -Michael Cole talked to Debra McMichael. Debbie didn't feel like getting all that close to Nicole Bass tonight, so she instead suggested a Bikini Contest instead....Lawler ruined his royal tights. -HHH limped to the ring with his cast -Chyna limped to the ring with that 150 pounds of material in her face. -The Rock bounced out cheerfully...free of those unsightly bitch tits that were developing. -They got going.... -Within 15 seconds, the Rock used a chair -Within 2 seconds the Rock used the "Rock Bottom" -Within 3 seconds the Rock went for the "People's Elbow" -Within 4 seconds the Undertaker interfered and chokeslammed the Rock -Within 4 seconds the Big Show arrived. -Within 10 seconds I realized that I have been wasting my life -Within 2 seconds I forgot about that silliness...I can always just kill myself and start fresh. -We see Debra on her way for the big Bikini contest...Lawler decided that he had to be the judge for this. -commercials -Jarrett and Debra came out -Lawler hit the ring to call the proceedings. -Val Venis and Nicole Bass came out... -Lawler went over the rules.....disrobe...tits..applause...go home -Nicole was asked to go first...which she did. -She actually doesn't look all that bad...from the neck down. -EXCEPT....she either has a pecker or..she forgot to pull out the douche -Debra went next.....she had little hearts on either breast and her....well..her bottom....just her little tribute to Owen. -Lawler asked to hear it for Nicole...boos galore -Then Debra..cheers galore -Lawler asked for Debra again....let's hear it for the puppies -same thing for Nicole..Lawler asked to hear it for the CUJOS! (Okay, that was cute) -Debra won...Jarrett and Venis started to beef.. -Then Nicole ended up cranking Venis with Jarrett's guitar -WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH WRESTLING??? FOR GOD SAKES!!!!! -sorry, I "Ryded" out for a second there.... -Afterwhich, Venis yelled at bass and called her a "screwup"...Bass told him to screw himself and left....depends on how you want to see it..Women's Lib either took a huge step forward, or was blown back into the Dark Ages. -Ken Shamrock was busy putting on his gloves....then bitchslapping himself around. -Vince was seen doing the same pretty much -commercials -GDTV...starring the ladies of PMS...talking trash about certain wrestlers. Let's see if I could decipher all this... -Jacky's had everything on two feet -Val Venis ain't all that -Mr. Ass is just that, and nothing else -Edge likes it in the seat -And Dustin may be a woman. -Then the camera cut off -Of course, they never really mentioned Edge..that was a little theory of mine that I wanted to throw out. -The Godfather came out....his Ho's followed suit after he was greeted with some boos....there were 7 of them....there names were Dopey, Dopier, Sleazy, Anally, Crabby, Raggedy, and of course Betty (go figure) -"Ho Train"...."Pimpin Ain't easy"...yadda yadda yadda... -Mr. Ass came out....we are shown footage as to why they don't like each other -We get back to see GF attack Ass out on the ramp.... -The match was surprisingly, all Godfather.....then he was tossed over the top rope. -Then Road Dog ran out and gave Mr. Ass a Pump Handle Slam..then ran out of the ring -In a GREAT move...the Godfather got back into the ring, looked around...shrugged his shoulders..and gave Gunn a Legdrop. The upset pinfall followed suit thereafter. -Mr Ass was pinned by the Godfather??? I wonder who HE pissed off? -The 7 Ho's all doggy piled on the GF.....that has NEVER happened to me...EVER -Backstage, Cole tried to talk to Droz..but instead, Droz puked on him....so didn't Prince Albert...suddenly, all that "sewage" Nash and Savage are walking around with looks ridiculous. -I DEMAND THAT YOU FILE A FORMAL LETTER OF OUTRAGE TO THE WWF FOR THAT DISGUCTING ACTION!!!!!!!!! THAN WELD YOUR TV DIAL TO TNT AND THROW THAT DAMN REMOTE CONTROL AWAY!!!!!!! THIS TIME, THEY HAVE GONE TOO DAMN FAR!!!! -commercials -We see both the UT and the BS getting ready -Al Snow came out from the seats...he looks happy -Droz came out with Prince Albert -Who the F^&% is Prince Albert anyway? -Droz chased Snow into the back..and ran into a boot. Then Snow proceeded to pound the living puke out of Droz with a piece of Sheetrock....which broke apart before he could even connect....Droz should get a Tony for selling that silliness. -Umm..that's the Broadway Award..not the pasty announcer....can't you clowns think of ANYTHING that doesn't involve wrestling? -The brawl ended up in the Fleet Center "Legends" bar...called so because of all the "Legends" who end up there getting slushed and hitting on the teenage girls with fake IDs. -It spilled over the bar and into the Bartender hole....some morn tried to offer Snow a drink...Snow told him to bug off. -Droz stumbled on to a nearby waiter..and shoved him down for no apparent reason. -Then Droz ate a facefull of beverage -For some reason, Lawler chose now to talk about Test and Stephanie, commenting that Stephanie is "somebody's daughter"...Ross shot back that "somebody's daughter went out with you!" Lawler laughed despite himself.. -Snow tried that trick where he would slide Droz belly down across the bar and into some mugs...but the Bar was too hard and Droz wasn't slick enough..he had to stop midway. -Ross, "This ain't the Geriatric League with guys trying to cover up their bald spots!!!"...then called Bischoff a Fudge Packer -Snow hit Droz with something, then pinned him in the middle of the floor.....the people in that Bar got one HELL of a treat. -We see Shamrock all set... -We see Vince just about all set...Cole asked him a question, but the mic wasn't turned on (FLIP THE SWITCH, BOZO!!!!!) -With a steely glare and a frayed voice, Vince asked Cole, "Do you think, I'm afraid...of Ken Shamrock?" Then walked off before Cole could get on his knees and humiliate himself in front of millions. -commercials -Vincent K McMahon came out and entered the Octagon. Lawler yelled that right at that moment, Tommy Lee is probably trying to make one of those videos with her....Ross was disgusted...SO AM I!!!! WHAT IS THIS??? RAW IS PORN???? -Lawler...for the first time that I can remember, showed his age by claiming that Test is taking Stephanie to a "Motley Crue Contest" -Of course, Tommy Lee split from Motley Crue...he needed the extra time to REALLY beat some sense into Pamela (YOU BANGED BEN AFFLECK???? WHERE'S MY BELT!!!!!) -Ken Shamrock came out....looking like Tank Abbott just faxed him his WCW contract (did I use that joke already?) -Ken tried to get into the ring, but Vince chained up the door and held it shut with all his might.... -The door was eventually opened, but Vince grabbed the chain and was threatening to use it... -Shamrock was about to charge the cage when... -Jeff Jarrett knocked out Shamrock from behind with the guitar....Kenny fell into the cage...Vince put him into an Ankle Lock and won the match. -Why is Kenny jobbing out to everyone nowadays? Who's wife did he hump? -commercials -We see the seatings (or is that seedings?) for the KOTR....my money is on Bad Ass....or maybe Shamrock....no...Kane will win.....ahh..I didn't see Wight..he's the money shot.....Oh wait...Road Dog could surprise....no, I'll go nuts and bet on Chyna....aw screw that..the time is now..and the now is Holly...WHAT AM I THINKING...X-Pac is taking it all home!! -F-It...I bet on Goldberg..he wins EVERYTHING -The Big Show came out -The Undertaker came out... -They went right at it.... -Wight hits a mighty elbow --You know....UT as champ appeals to me for a LOT of reasons...he can feud with the Rock for a while, then give Austin a rematch or two..then deal with Wight....then...for Wrestlemania....how's about giving Mick Foley his long awaited Wrestlemania main event? Can YOU think of a better Cinderella story? -UT went for the Chokeslam.....Wight went for his own..it was a stalemate. -It spilled outside....UT jawed into Wight's face near the announcers. -It stayed outside for a good 5 minutes -It went back inside...UT went for the top rope clothesline -Wight grabbed him by the neck and lifted him up -Wight plowed him down and sent him THROUGH THE RING!! -Ross, "THE BIG SHOW, HAS CHOKESLAMMED THE UNDERTAKER, ALL THE WAY TO HELLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!" -Wight slipped into the hole..then rolled back out. -Various members of the Corporate Ministry ran out...it wasn't pretty -UT climbed out of the hole and beat feet out of there...Ross screamed that the ref stopped the fight because the RING WAS DESTROYED!! (In other words, we were out of time, the Undertaker isn't ready to lose the title..and there is NO WAY Paul Wight's going to job out so soon after laying down for Austin) The show ended. It was...good....not great, but solid. Except for that little trick they pulled with the Higher Power angle..turning it into a mere set up for a bigger...much cooler angle. Which...also helped make Bischoff look like a jackass. Of course...Austin as Big Dog is a direct steal from Flair's Presidency...so I am obliged to shout one time... MY GOD!!!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go over and read the Nitro column..or don't..but PLEASE read the closer..I need your help for something Chris Hyatte
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