Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the June 12 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte As of right now: Tuesday, June 12, 7:27 am... I am presently detecting NO change in the Wrestling Landscape. If feels like a big bust. [Ed's Note: Before the hate mail starts pouring in, we only received the mop-up on Wednesday afternoon.] Anyone else think that Bischoff could have started that whole "Y2K" scare? It was nice to see Ric Flair win honestly last night, I'm SURE it means that he's going to get completely humiliated tonight. NITRO (or: Yup, I knew it) -opens with the ending of the movie "Cobra". One thing that DEFINED any and all bad Stallone movies of yesteryear, they all ended with some horrible 80's pop/rock song. -The (sobaditsactuallygood) BEST song of the bunch was the song that closed out "First Blood"... IT'S A LOOONG ROOOOOOOAD... WHEN YOU'RE ALL ALOOOOONE!" -You know, Stallone has made so many more BAD movies than actual good ones. His good flicks include the first three Rockys, the first two Rambos, "Copland", "Cliffhanger", "Demolition Man" (only because of Wesley), and "Nighthawks" was pretty good too. But manOman... for every good one, there's "Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot", the last two Rockys, that insipid third Rambo, "Oscar", "Lockup", "Tango & Cash", "Daylight", "Rhinestone", "Victory", "F*I*S*T", "Assassins", "The Specialist", and of course, "Cobra"... and the list goes on and on... -"Cobra" opens a pizza box, takes the last slice, CUTS A PIECE OFF THE SLICE WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS... and takes ONE bite out of the piece. That's his whole dinner. For some reason, that always bothered me. -that, and the fact that some guy manages to create an entire cult, including a Police Officer, of Ax Swinging Psychos for no discernible purpose. -"... because as long as we have to play by the rules and they don't, we're gonna lose!" YEEAH SLY!!!! A COP WHO PLAYS BY HIS VERY OWN LAWS!!!! - And let's not forget "Over the Top"!!! Who in THE Hell thought Stallone could sell a film about ARM WRESTLING??? -Oh, right... let's not forget the dramatic subplot about a Father trying to connect with his snooty son. -What made ME damn near kick the TV screen in was when after Sly LOST a match, the Announcer was heard loudly telling us to PLEASE REMEMBER that this is a DOUBLE ELIMINATION tournament... even though he made that fact clear 20 times already. The Producers didn't want Sly's fans running out of the theater in tears that their Hero lost before the film ended. -Sly Stallone is the perfect example as to why Italians never ruled the World... except for that brief period where Rome was running hot... but Jesus, and a bunch of Barbarians took care of that awfully quick. Italians are good for making Pizza and banging lily white babes who want to be "bad" and piss off Daddy.... that's it. -Nice little tangent to get the blood going early. -opens with clips...oh hang on, I suddenly have this urge to spank it to my video clip of Katie Holmes getting messy with some guy in "Teaching Mrs. Tingle"... be back in about ten. -aah, that's the stuff. -WCW Logo: If they don't start overtaking RAW, Russo will slap a pair of titties on it. -opens with the more important clips from last night's "Great American Bash", although it wasn't much of a party for the "Millionaire's Club". (why am I channeling Al all of the sudden?) -One day, I am going to write a nice, long article on the pathetic being known as Horace... I have this guy completely figured out. -Opens live with a shot of two Cop cars leading in a long, black limousine. Tony Schiavone, with his obligatory "the-world-as-we-knew-it-was-just-bombed-back-to-the-Dinosaurs" tone proclaimed the date as being, "June TWELTH....... 2000... then announced that we are smack dab in the middle of the "aftermath of what went down, at the Great American Bash" -Tony continued, "But... even though we are facing nothing short of global ANNIHILATION... WCW will NOT stop going on the air!! WCW will NOT cede Monday nights!! WCW will STILL PRODUCE A SHOW!!! Let June 12 be the day where WE as human beings ROSE UP AND SAID ‘WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!!! WE WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!!' WE'RE GOING TO LIVE!!! WE'RE GOING TO SURVIVE!!!! TODAY, WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDANCE DAY!!!!!!" -Whoa... going the whole alien invasion route... kinky -even though he sort of butchered the whole speech... -out of the Limo steps Vince Russo, with a fat brown thing in his mouth -out of the limo steps Eric Bischoff, with a fat, brown thing in his mouth. -following them is Goldberg... who sucks NO fat, brown thing. -Lord, I hope Sonny Ono's Lawyers were taping this... I call it a BLATANT F-You to those racial discrimination charges. -Hey kids, Goldberg may now be a EVIL, VICIOUS, NO-GOOD HEEL WHO WOULD STOP AT NOTHING TO DESTROY EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE WRESTLERS AND WOULD PROBABLY RAPE YOUR SISTERS TOO!!! but he still says "No" to nicotine. So should you! -I say, smoke all you want. It doesn't bother me at all. It apparently makes you feel good, and it keeps the girls thin. As soon as you chicks quit, you blow up like a Wrestleline writer... that's no good. -Goldberg's wearing a vest for a top... DAMMIT... and JUST as he was almost totally clear of those Austin rip-off accusations. -Tony, "IT'S GOLDBERG... COMING OUT ON NITROOOOO" (AHA!! I knew he was a fag!! No, I am NOT implying that all Jews are fags... how DARE you!! What an ignorant thing to think. You people ought to be ashamed of yourselves.) -3 years of this. -Opening theme. -Tony welcomes us by saying that they are in Richmond, Virginia. Alas, Virginia is one of those states that have virtually no characteristic... thus, I have very little to rag on it about. The only thing I remember about Richmond is that Tony once called a "Public Enemy/Nasty Boys match a "Richmond Streetfight"... I remember getting some mileage out of that. -Camera swings by a sign that reads "RAW SUCKS". Well, if you count last week and ONLY last week, you're right. -"Western Union" is responsible for this. Goddam Teamsters. -Face time for the Announcers. Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, and Scott Hudson, topless except for a tie. With barely a minute of show under their belts, Tony gets on his knees and practically BEGS us to order the Encore Presentation of the PPV on Tuesday Night. I have never seen such a DESPERATE DISPLAY OF PUBLIC SHILLING IN MY... -... -... -... -... -... -...*spittake* -Wah... wah... why is Scott Hudson topless? Why is he sitting there bare naked with a tie? -It must have not registered the first time, because the rewind tells me that Russo made him do this as punishment for ragging on Russo's body last week. Madden laughed. Tony said that this was "punishment for all of us", which caused Hudson to do one of those comedic doubletakes that would have made Chevy Chase proud. -the FU** is wrong with these people? What is this supposed to prove? Accomplish? What angle is this helping sell? -God can be such a prick sometimes. You can notice a lot of shoulder hair on Hudson, (I shave mine off, and have my back waxed every 6 weeks. I'm not too proud of this, but you have to make good with what you got.) which means it probably reaches down into a nice little lawn around his back. All that hair, yet Hudson hasn't needed a comb probably for the last 20 years. IT'S A DAMN COSMIC SPIT IN THE FACE!!!! -Girls, for the most part, keep their hair all their lives, but they have their own problems... such as getting ragged out after having a baby... which is an act of Nature, by the way. After doing what nature intended them to do, which is reproduce, Nature rags them out so they won't be attractive to other males. So they would be more apt to stick with the family and reproduce more and more. It's the truth. Of course, Free Will does what Free Will always does and spits in the face of Nature. Thus, Women cheat. -Men are supposed to cheat, God wants us to bear as much "fruit" as possible. So go stick it into any piece of strange, fellas... IT'S GOD'S WILL!!!! -I know it's sickening, but they really should have made Madden go topless instead of Hudson. If they were going to do it, then do it for maximum effect. -In the span of 21 hours, Tony has gone from comparing Goldberg to God, to calling him a "common THUG who's for sale to the highest bidder." (There's a joke there that I ain't going anywhere NEAR). Madden says that Goldberg is the same, only his opponents have changed, and he still is the "most powerful force in Sports Entertainment". (Hmmph? I thought that honor went to either Scherer or Meltzer, depending on which one you asked first). -Out comes Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo. The Announcers begin the full swing hype on how this was such a blockbuster deal (give it UP guys). Hudson says that Goldberg has "always been the one constant in World Championship Wrestling... and now we can't even rely on him!" (Well, he is "constantly" disappearing for months on end, that is true). -Out comes E & B.. I will admit, HAPPILY, that Eric has had a certain... humbleness about him since returning. He's no longer the pompous blowhard he was a year ago. That's why I don't even mind that he has the Hardcore Belt now (shouldn't that be a Trophy?). It makes him bearable. -Russo, on the other hand, has gotten completely out of control. -They hit the ring. Bischoff picks up the mic and says, "He's the Man." (aww shucks Eric... thanks. I didn't even know you heard of me.) -well geeze? Who do YOU think he was talking about? HERBIE KUNTS? (heh heh heh hah hah hah... ho ho ho hah hah... oh I kill me.) -OOPS, I meant KUNZ... Herb Kunz. My apologies to Herb and his fans. -Eric bragged about his talent for dropping surprises. Give the boy credit, no matter how you felt about the actual "shock value", they did a damn fine job of keeping it secret. It wouldn't surprise me to hear that they INTENTIONALLY approached ECW just to swerve the speculators. -Eric cut himself off mid-sentence by admonishing a lady on her language. Amen Mr. B. LEARN AMERICAN OR GET THE HELL OUT!!!!!!!!!! -Eric said that this really shouldn't be much of a surprise to ANYONE!!! (naah, we all sort of expected an attempt to recapture the vibe from the Hogan turn) -Eric said that Goldberg has a LOT in common with Eric, then segued into a "shoot-like work" about how all the established WCW stars "didn't want to lose their "spots" to Goldberg, so they were happy when he was gone and resentful when he was there. Eric even mentioned Luger... even though the only "spot" Luger gives up is the Wet Spot on the bed... (Lizzy WILL sleep there and she BETTER be damn grateful he isn't kicking her out of the bed to sleep on the FLOOR!!!!! LIKE ALL BROADS!!!! exceptforminewhoisanabsoluteangel!) -actually, the only "spot" Luger currently has is on his toilet bowl, where he does his best letter writing ("Dear Vince, Sorry to have walked out on you and show up on Nitro the next day. You're not still mad? Are you Vin... MISTER McMAHON?...") -Eric said Bill Goldberg is THE team player of ALL team players!! (You mean Bill "Three more years and I'm OFF to Titan" Goldberg?) -Finally, Eric says that Goldberg really, really HATES the audience... no, really. (actually, I believe that 100%. He likes dogs.) -With that set up, Eric brought him out. -Out comes Goldberg. He heals nobody because A: See 40 "-"s ago and B: I'm too damn lazy. -So, he's out and in. He's got the mic. -He starts off by saying, "Don't ask me WHY." (Hmmph, I would have gone with "You May Be Right", or "Piano Man", but that's just me.) -He continues, "The question is... why the Hell NOT???" (I'm half expecting him to start chugging beers and getting everyone to scream, "AW HELL YEAH!!") -GB says that every cutthroat in the back has tried to knife him, (well, the same routine clammed up Bruiser Brody but good, didn't it?) -He said the people did NOTHING but cheer the wrestlers while he was out with an injury. (Umm, for most of his time away, Sullivan was in charge... trust me, the people were only cheering when RAW came on.) -what a stupid thing to say. Him, not me. What I said was brilliant. -So, Goldberg, signed a deal, with the DEVIL!!! (Yeah, but now he's got to live another 1000 years before the Dark Chylde Dillenger can implement the Sowing of the Black Blood Harvest... then you're ALL F-ed). -So, with this new deal in place, "they" get what they want.. and I (Goldberg) gets what HE wants!. -Tony, channeling the impatience we ALL were feeling, "And what is THAT??" -Goldberg, "It's ME..." -Tony, "Okay..." -GB, "... standing over the bodies of EVERY son of a BITCH that tried to screw him!" (Ahh... the dreaded "Bret" reasoning) -Goldberg spits. It becomes clear that he has a lump under his lower lip. Boy be DIPPING. (SEE KIDS!!! HE DON'T SMOKE, BUT HE DIPS!!! GO OUT AND BUY A CAN OF SKOAL TODAY!!!!) -actually, GB did a TV promo with an Indy wrestler in my state a year or two ago, he looked like he shoveled at least half a can in there. I respect that. -So, Goldberg has TWO words for everyone... "OY VEY"!! (BWAHAHAHAAA... he's a riot!!!) -No, seriously... "Fear This!!" -He's done. So out comes Kevin Nash. Wearing a shirt that says "Big Daddy!" Why push a year old Sandler flick? -$20 bucks and my lung says he starts off by saying either A: "Let me tell you something...", B: "You knowww...", or "First off...". -Nash, "You knoww.." (ALL RIGHT!! ONE OF YOU MOTHERFU**AS owes my ass $20!! Pay up.) - "You know Goldberg, that's about all the sh*t I can stand to listen to, you know that?" - "Poor, pitiful Bill. These people are tired of listening to your SH*T!!" (He DOES sound awfully persecuted, doesn't he?) - "You STUPID SON OF A BITCH, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO MADE YOU!!!!!! SINCE YOU WALKED INTO THE DOOR, THIS COMPANY HAS GIVEN EVERYTHING TO YOU ON A SILVER PLATTER!!!!!" Amen, AMEN, AMEN, AMEN AND A-F-ING MEN!!! IT'S HIGH TIME SOMEONE OTHER THAN INTERNET IDIOTS (like me) SAID THAT!!!! - "You know who made Goldberg? Sting made Goldberg! Scott Hall made Goldberg! Hulk Hogan made Goldberg! Ric Flair made Goldberg! Kevin Nash made Goldberg!" (A WCW Promotional Blitzkreig that rivaled the first Wrestlemania Made Goldberg!! I thought I'd add that. :) -Nash said that he had other plans tonight (bet'cha it involves Condoms and cheap Vodka!), but since he's feeling frisky... he decided to pencil in a beatdown to his schedule. -Nash walked to the ring. Tony and Hudson broke out the Champagne in premature celebration. -Nash walked into a wave of Richmond Police, who were able to RESTRAIN HIM EVEN THOUGH HE WENT THROUGH OVER HALF A DOZEN TRAINED WRESTLERS IN LAST WEEK'S GAUNTLET!!!!!! DAMN THIS COMPANY AND THEIR CONSTANT IGNORING OF CONTINUITY!!! -I swear, this was almost a dumb as the time Eric went through a pile of Chicago Security Guards, even though a week before, he was laid out by 12 year old Reid Flair. (then again... they were CHICAGO Guards.) -Oh, Nash was maced. NOW it all makes sense. -Nash was stuffed, then he was cuffed. Russo was on the mic, demanding that they cuff him. -Nash was held. Russo was on the mic and SCREAMED that tonight, they were "looking for ratings... BIG ratings!" (SEE!!! SEE!!!!!!!) So he IS going to schedule a fight between these two tonight. He also called Nash a "son of a bitch" 3-4 times. -Nash was hustled away. Goldberg laughed it up with Bischoff. Whatever I feel towards the man, he damn sure keeps eyes on the screen. Good or bad, he is one scary bastard. -Confident that they've got us glued to our seats all night, Tony sent us off to the night's first set of... -commercials. Grant Hill does a spot for an Athlete's Foot creme. "Only ONE can be the best!" (yeah, but Michael was too damn pricey for the company) -"Deadlocked"... a new film from TNT (Home of the New Classics). Nice to see Caruso working. He made a mistake, that doesn't stop him from being one HELL of an intense presence. -Backstage, Ernest Miller confabs with Jeff Jarrett about booking a title shot with Hulk Hogan. After all these years, Miller has yet to stop annoying me. -moments ago, 4 Richmond Police Officers, with two as backup, were able to restrain Kevin Nash. All of these Cops were white. Someone give Johnny Cochran a call to investigate this. -Backstage, Kevin Nash was stuffed in a squad car to cool his heels for the next 1 and a half and THINK about what he's done. Scott Steiner charges out and runs after Russo. The Richmond PD were able to even hold HIM back (unreal... absolutely unreal). Russo vaults over a car or two in his escape. There is a child there. Tony says that it's Nash's nephew. -Face time with the Announcers. Tony reminds us that Russo challenged Flair to ANOTHER retirement match tonight. Yes, why get some drama and legit heat for David when RUSSO can put Ric away and become the big HEEL he was always meant to be??? DAMN YOU MCMAHON FOR HOLDING KING RUSSO BACK!!! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!! -It's Hulk Hogan vs Jeff Jarrett at the TOP of the hour... (2 months into the "New WCW" and Hulk has already maneuvered himself back into the top contender scene... the more things change...) -Last Monday, Funk put over the Mamalukes AND Bischoff. It's a wonder the man can sleep at night. -We are told that Bischoff gave over the Hardcore belt to one of the Mamalukes, or maybe both, sometime over the past 7 days. (See? The Old Bischoff wouldn't have done that for all the ratings in the world). -We see backstage that one of them has locked the other one in their dressing room so HE can beat Funk all by himself. (Ahh, Seinfeld could only DREAM of such a High Comedy sketch) -The Mamaluke (Big Vito, I believe) walks way, and walks right into terry Funk wielding a trash can. They fight backstage. -Funk owns it. At one point, he shut the garage door onto Vito, then picks up a chair and CRANKS him. Nice shot. -A Security Guard shows up and tells Funk that he's going to KILL somebody there. Funk chairs him. The Guard drops dead. My God! HE WAS RIGHT!!! (My God! THAT WAS LAME!!!) -Funk takes the chair and throws it across the area. It lands harmlessly Take THAT Oxygen!! -Funk chases the Italian... who is running. No one should be surprised. -Funk hits the guy with a plastic jug. -They spill it into the arena proper. They end up brawling in and around a "Dancing cage" that are a popular site amongst Strip Clubs... Girls dancing in small cages while males watch. No wonder they're all going Lesbo. -Funk takes a mini-dump. In a rare bit of self control, none of the Announcers compare it to the Stuntman's fall last night. -Vito beats Funk right up towards the ring, a table leaning against the ring was used. -Madden says, (Funk's been) "Hardcore since the day he's been born. Tony, you're 56, that's all, right?" -Tony, "I'm not even... (mutter)... Actually, I'm younger than YOU!" (Wow!! If that's true, then isn't Madden a little bit too OLD to be going online and talking about how lame Internet "smarks" are?) -In the ring, Vito gives a... a... Jesus, I forgot his name. That guy in the WWF... with the fangs. Married to Luna. No push. Bastion? No... I can't believe I blanked out on his name... -Anywhoo, Vito gave Funk a DDT that was reminiscent of what's-his-face. On a chair. Ouch. -Vito had Funk hanging over the top rope (I swear, once I tried to break into my Grandmother's house through a window. I was so drunk, I passed out in a similar position... except Funk was wearing pants. I was buck naked from the waist down). Vito turned that into a very nice piledriver on the table. -Vito pinned Funk. Tony talked up the lad. Funk stumbled into the ring (GANGREL!!!! HIS NAME WAS GANGREL!!!!!! OH THANK GOD!!! YOU MAY DELETE THOSE E-MAILS NOW!!!!) handed the kid the belt, and held up his hand. Of course, Vito attacked him from behind the moment Funk turned his back. (Happens to me all the time. I give props to a Internet wannabe and he F-s me. I'm sure by week's end, Metal Sludge will crap all over me.) - I want you kids to know something, there was a time when Funk did NOT spend the majority of his matches lying on the ground, twitching. -Ernest Miller was walking around looking for Hogan. If his dialect gets any more hackneyed, he'll be doing Kingfish. -Meinekee can be thanked for this. Just remember, if YOUR brakes go out... you can always either put it in Neutral and use your foot, or slam it in Park. -commercials -Vampiro was talking to someone in a red hood who sounded too young and too clear to really sound evil. I thought it was Kidman, at first. -My God... IT'S JIM J BULLOCK!!!! (so THAT'S where he's been hiding?) -Outside, Kevin Nash tell Scott Steiner to look after his nephew "Hunter" (either a shout out... or a dis... I'm sure it's playful, although for all we know, Hunter is running around badmouthing Nash every chance he gets.) -Nash tells Steiner that the kid is only 8 years old, so keep the "phreaks" away from him. (send him down to Jim J... see what kind of MAN the kid turns out to be!) -I should briefly point out that he MIGHT spell it "Jm J" and not "Jim J". Since this is the last time I reference the man, it's a moot point. -Shane Douglas comes out. Kyron tells us that he is really "The Franchise". I wonder if Sting gave his permission, or did they just came up to him and said "Guess what?" -Douglas had the mic. Which is STILL the only reason why he has a career. -"Franchises do NOT make excuses!!" (well, they do... it's just that no one ever believes them). -Douglas says that things had not gone according to his schedule, in the past month. In fact, he was dealt a sucky hand. -He bragged about taking down the Wall last night. Tony reminded us that the Wall got up. I'm sure, damn well POSITIVE, that most of the audience were busy peeing during this match, so it's probably news to them. It's news to me, by God. -Douglas said that thirty days ago, his partner was put in exile for reasons that, let's face it, SUCKED!!!! But tonight, he was back. So, Douglas re-introduced his partner... BUFF BAGWELL!!! -Buff came out. I'll be honest, I didn't miss him. -Buff got on the mic and assured us that he can still rhyme "Buff" and "Stuff" (oh, thank Bloody Christ on the Bloomin' Cross!) -He said that due to his unexpected unpaid vacation, he had left some unfinished business, said business that dealt with a real "pain in the ass", said "pain in the ass" being "Colonic!!" (oh, and have we forgotten how to properly use PLURALS now?) -Douglas whispered that it was "Kronic". Buff said, "Yeah, whatever, they are still a pain in the ass"... then he made sure we realize the PUN of "Colonic" being a "Pain in the Ass"... get it? COLONIC!! PAIN!!! ASS!!! -sigh... show of hands, how many people are wishing that he'd beat up another Day Laborer? -stillit'sfunnierthananythingI'vecomeupwithtonight -Buff dared them to come on out. And so they did. -Behold, an entrance unseen since the days when Hawk and Animal won matches simply by staring at their opponents. -They hit the ring and everyone has a go at it. Must be getting close to RAW, because Tony pushed the Hogan/Jarrett match. -Clarke gets Shane in the corner. He stomps on him some, then chops him. He then asks if Shane wants another one, then chops him again before Shane could answer (THEN WHY DID YOU ASK? YOU NITWIT??) -Douglas gets in a Russian Legsweep (which, technically, if they EVER decided to get in step with our changing World, should be changed to "Former Soviet Republic Sweep") and tags off to Bagwell. -Buff shows ZERO ring rust. He had better not have... it was ONLY a month, after all. -Bagwell with the Blockbuster. Douglas slapped his back for the tag. Tony called it a "Backslap" (and you WONDER why he gets the big bucks?). -Douglas, much to Buff's dismay, gets in there and tries to finish off Clarke with the Fisherman's Suplex. Adams stops it. Buff runs in. Adams grabs him in a Full Nelson, awkwardly re-positions him so they are FACING the camera (if he were alive, Dick Murdoch would be SOBBING!!!), then gives him the Full Nelson Slam that I maintain is called the "Old Glory" and F-YOU IF I'M WRONG!!!! -This was followed up by a Double Harris V-Bomb (where are they anyway? I thought Russo LOVED them?). Douglas was pinned cleanly. -After the match, Bagwell helped Douglas up, then shoved him for that bullsh*t tag. Douglas made peace, they shook hands, Buff turned around. Douglas knocked down Buff (Either I've been watching this crap for too long, or they are WAAAY too predictable, because I saw this coming quite clearly from CHINA!!). -Shane got on the mic and accused Buff of all his problems for the last month... then said that Buff's ass was just "Franchised". And so, another pointless feud gets underway... wrestling is filled with them. -backstage, Ernest Miller confronts The Dark Yne, who was busy staring at his LAPTOP!!! MY GOD!!!! PAUL 10:13... "AND SO THE BEAST SHALL AMASS HIS LEGION THROUGH FLESH BUILT MEANS!" HE'S USING THE INTERNET, PEOPLE!!! WE MUST FLEE BACK TO THE CAVES!!! -Even worse, Dillenger appears to be reading "Freakboy's Big A$$ Column"... DAMMIT!!! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE JUMPED! -commercials -Mean Gene Okerlund proves that A: He's STILL a viable member of the WCW crew and B: He's STILL alive. (I don't know which is more surprising) -Kidman is with Gene, only to set himself up as the Guest ref for the Hogan/Jarrett match. -earlier today, The Artist had a Press Conference. Paisley announced that he is now officially "The Artist". Jesus wept. -Some old guy with a Misfit Helmet was apparently under the desk during this. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you... 1wrestling's very own, former Scoops RAW recapper... -*COUGHwasn'ttoothrilledwiththatmoveeitherletmetellyaHACK* -... THE "SUPERSTAR" JC!!!!! (funny, I always assumed he was a black guy?) - The Misfits come out. I SWEAR, I saw Major Gunns on Cinemax Sunday night... around 3 am... she wasn't working with Tom Hanks, let me tell you. -Captain Rection gets on the mic and says that the old guy was his Grandfather (Jeeze, no wonder JC jumped to 1wrestling... is that where ALL the old guys end up?) and that his Grandfather was a little bit shell shocked. "He craps his pants when the microwave goes on" (Funny, I climax when my whenever my Oven is on "Broil", but that's usually because I've got her head in it at the time while getting a little "backdoor action".) -"Every time he goes out the backdoor, he thinks he's in Cambodia" (well that's what you get for living in Detroit!) -Rection trash talks the Artist, then calls him out. -The Artist comes out. Paisley gets on the mic and says it's only going to happen if it's against Loco and it's for the Cruiserweight title. Rection agrees. It's a one on one affair. -and THAT, my friends, is where I stop. No one, and I mean NO ONE, should have to recap this. -I will say, there was the obvious cat fight. -I will also say, that the Cruiserweight title did NOT change hands. -I will also ALSO say, more like remind, that The Artist got his big league start at almost exactly the same time as The Rock... and they were both pushed equally within they're respective companies. -Ric Flair has arrived. His brood seems to multiply every week... WHOOOO -Meanwhile, the Cat is waiting for Hogan to arrive. Suddenly, I miss the good old days when he was Glacier's silent partner. -Meanwhile (Round 2), Russo is busy coaching a group of Girls on how to treat Goldberg, ("Do NOT feed him, and if he throws his feces at you, SMILE!!!") -He brings the girls 5 feet over to where Goldberg is confabbing with Bischoff. Goldberg says, "Hello Vince. Why, I didn't see you and these girls standing 5 feet away!" -Goldberg then demands that those icky girls get out of there!! (Hmmph, sounds like me from age 1-25). Russo does the about face and yells at the girls to leave. How woefully UnAmerican. -commercials -HULK HOGAN HAS ARRIVED!!!! Miller runs over to meet him. Miller tells him that he's got the title match TONIGHT!! -Hogan looks at him and says, "Aren't you the guy who cleans my pool?" (Oh Dear Lord... will someone PLEASE drop a Nuke on us?) -Then Hogan remembers the script and say that he KNOWS that Miller is "Rotten to the core..." then explains to the audience how Hulk-a-Mania will persevere and win the WCW title tonight. Sounds to me as if he tossed away the script and went on an Improvisational Warpath. -Hogan turned to walk away. Miller tapped him on the back and said, "One more thing". Hogan turned around, Jarrett came out of NOWHERE and hit him with the Guitar. Funny, Jarrett had NO place to hide, NO cover for a good ten yards in ANY direction, yet he managed to BLINDSIDE Hogan. Is Jarrett a NINJA???? -Or is Russo LAZY??? -Tony screamed, "WAIT JUST ONE DAMN SECOND!!"... and reality froze perfectly for that one second. (Holy Crap, I spent two years putting a Bounty on GOD HIMSELF!!!! NO WONDER MY LIFE HIT THE TOILET!!!) -Vince Russo came out with David Flair. I PREDICT... he has booked himself a good ten minutes of mic time here. -Russo is on the stic, and tells everyone to settle down. You'll never again witness a moment where so many thumbs were up so many asses. -Russo starts off by congratulating his "Son" on a good try last night. He demanded a pop for David's effort last night. Tony begrudgingly admitted that David deserves it. I would officially make in my pants if Tony EVER ‘fessed up and admitted that ANYTHING in WCW was EVER done half assed. -Russo came out for one reason, (to get himself OVER... of course) -Russo reminds us that he's from New York, and doesn't deserve the abuse he's been getting. (Isn't it ironic that Russo, who is always screaming about how "Old School" is dead, goes COMPLETELY "Old School" himself by pushing and pushing the "I'm from New York" gimmick? There should not be a doubt in ANYONE'S mind now that he left the WWF to be a STAR... to be what MCMAHON became.) -The difference is, Vince was an onscreen part of the WWF product for 20 years before becoming part of the story. For the people NOT Internet Connected, all they know is that one day WCW brought in a former WWF Writer and suddenly, he's an actual on air character. No different from the proto-typical Manager/Carny Barker. -Vince showed off his female arms, and says that his abuse ends tonight; and it ends with Ric Flair! -Russo announces that he is NOT a Lambchop! (Then why was he seen backstage with Shari Lewis's hand up his ass?) -This goes on a couple of minutes further... -Ric Flair comes out and stays at the entrance way. After the contractually obligated "WHOO", he tells "numbnuts", that this is NOT New York, this is Richmond, Virginia. (of course, you can see why Russo might be confused). -Flair reminds Russo that Russo did NOT go undefeated last night, and Russo had better focus on someone else for a while, because Ric's getting sick and tired of all this crap. -Russo says that he hates Flair, then rubs his temples with his free hand. Tony quips, "He might be having a brain aneurysm, then giggled to himself like a lummox who was WAAAY too proud of the line (Lord knows, I do it all the time). -Flair teased Russo by saying that his wife looked at him last night and said, "You ain't Space Mountain." Then he told David to come down and step back in line. -Of course, David blew him off and hugged his new Father. -Flair told Russo that if he REALLY wants this match, then he'll have to agree to a new stip. If Flair wins, then Russo retires too! -Flair, "You retire!! I become the Boss! Me and Bischoff... we get along GREAT!!!" HAW!!! For the first time in AGES, we got us a new LINE OF THE NIGHT!!!! -Second stip, David goes back with pops. -Third stip, if Russo loses, he gets his head shaved. -Russo, not quite prepared to end his awe inspiring mic work, verifies that Flair doesn't mean a trim, right? -Flair says that if he loses, he's gone. If he wins, he gets to be the Boss, he gets his son back, he shaves Russo's head, and he shaves Russo's ass!! Hudson says that they should save THAT for pay per view. A perfectly innocent quip, were it not for the fact that Hudson said this WHILE SHIRTLESS!!! -Russo, still not ready, reminds us that, "A New Yorker doesn't back down from anybody, especially not in front of these Richmond ‘faggots'!! (or perhaps, "fairies", it was edited out on the replay.) -Tony, "What does THAT mean?" (take a wild guess, spanky... there's a reason why you can't FIND a single Steisand CD in any Richmond music store) -Eventually, Russo agreed, so long as David is included and it's a handicap match. Ric sez that he'll get Reid involved too. The segment ends. Minutes felt like hours, yet seeing how it's the last time we see Ric for a while... I guess it's reasonable. -The Nitro Cologne is STILL on the market. Available at your nearest "Perfume-mania" (what Mack Daddy would buy ANY Perfume at a place called "Perfume-Mania?") -commercials -split screen of Goldberg and Nash... How'd they get dem two so close to each other on the same screen? Must be majik. -Kidman come out in a Ref shirt. -Jarrett comes out. He gets on the mic and... you'd better sit down for this... he announces that he's the Chosen One AS WELL AS BEING the World Champ. -He also says that they had better rustle up a new opponent, because the one he's supposed to fight is busy stumbling around in a daze loudly asking if Andre's gonna put him over tonight. -He tells Kidman to start the count. Hogan ain't coming out. -Hogan comes out (CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!). He comes out VERRRY slowly. -Let's see, he's in a daze, his opponent is as fresh as a daisy, the Ref is a hated enemy, the odds appear insurmountable!! THIS IS IT!!! NOT EVEN THE HULK-A-MANIACS CAN SAVE THE HOLLYWOODSTER!!! THE ERA IS FINALLY ABOUT TO DIE, DIE DIE!!!! -Hogan hits the ring and goes on the attack. (RISING UP... STRAIGHT TO THE TOOOP) -Hogan assaults Jarrett in the corner, then throws him outside. (HANGING TOUGH, STAYING HUNGRYYYY!!!) -Hogan whips him with the belt. Suddenly, it's an Apple Pie Strap Match! (WENT THE DISSSTANCE, NOW I'M NOT GONNA STOP, JUST A MAN AND HIS WILL TO SURVIIIVE) -Back in the ring, Jarrett gets control... (SO MANY TIMES, IT HAPPENS TO FAAAAST) -Kidman feigns objectiveness, getting Jarrett away from Hogan at times... (YOU TRADE YOU PASSION FOR GLOOOORY) -Hogan fights back and Jarrett is over the top rope again... (DON'T LOSE YOUR GRIP... DREAMS OF YOUR PAAAAST) -Kidman, TOSSES A CHAIR TO HOGAN WHO USES IT ON JARRETT... (YOU MUST FIGHT... JUST TO KEEP, THEM ALIIIVE) -Goldberg and Russo step out to watch... (IT'S THE EYE OF THE TIIIIGER, IT'S THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT) -Hogan works Jarrett over in the ring... THERE'S the boot... (RISIING UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF THE RIVAAAAL) -There's the Legdrop...(AND THE LAST, KNOWN SURVIIIIVOR GETS THE KILL OF THE NIGHT) -Here comes Goldberg... (AS HE WAAATCHES HIS FOE FOR THE EYYYYYEEEEEE) -1... 2... Goldberg interferes. Goldberg hits the ring and crouches down for the Spear... (OF THE TIIIIGER) -Hogan takes forever, clearly seeing GB ready for him. Helen Keller laughed at the awkwardness here... (BREA, BREABREABREA BREABREABREA BREABREABREAAAA) -After an eternity, Kidman gets Speared, even though Goldberg slipped mid- thrust and damn near crawled over to the Kid. To compensate, he picks up Kidman and tosses him out.... (THE EYE OF THE TIIIIGER) -Hogan gets his Spear too, then he jackhammers him into a stable... (THE EYE OF THE TIIIIGER) -Hulk-a-mania is dead... not even my soul stirring rendition of Survivor's one hit could save him... damn it. -GI Bro runs out to do a mean Apollo Creed and scream, "WHAT'S THE MATTER WHICHOO??" -Well, now we know. Hogan wins the title at Bash at the Beach, then drops it to Goldberg either the next Nitro or at the August PPV (which WON'T be held in Sturgis... if I recall reading) -The stretcher is rolled out as we are rolled into some more... -commercials -moments ago, we are reminded that Kidman re-discovered his Faceness and stepped back in line as a tried and true Hulk-A-Maniac. -We also see how Goldberg almost totally wiped out on his Spear attempt. -DDP comes out. With a shirt that says, "Whatever" (current slang once again misses it's foothold in the Page household. "Whatever" was SOO 5 years ago!) -Page also has a Lemon in his hand. If he was honest with us for once in his life, he'd come out and say that the Lemon represents that ridiculous movie he had the NERVE to try to get us to blow $8 on. Then he would publicly apologize AND offer a full refund to ANYONE who saw it. -He didn't. Creep. -Instead, he said that the Lemon was for the Beer he's gonna have later. -Dallas had a speech, and despite the loud protests from the people in the building, he's going to make it. Kudos to Dallas for ignoring the fans and speaking directly into the camera. -All his life, Dallas has been hearing the words, "I can't" (Followed closely by, "Wrong hole, Stud.") -"You crazy? YOU CAN'T become a professional wrestler at 35 years old!!" -"You crazy? YOU CAN'T go out and say that this piece of crap the filmed on celluloid is GOOD!!!" -"You CRAZY?? YOU CAN'T wear that shirt on camera?? Here, wear this lovely, form fitting, SCOOPTHIS LAWSUIT shirt!!" -Page's FAVORITE line was, "You will never, and I mean EVER become a World Champion this late in life!!" (not to get ANAL ((*snicker*)), but I don't see the words "I Can't" in there) -Thus, the T-shirt. -Page went on about how one man "half heartedly" believed in him enough to book him as champ a few times... and that man is Eric Bischoff. -CUE THE MUSIC!!! -Eric's out with Kimberly and the freshly Heeled Chris Kanyon. Page says that Bischoff "really is an asshole." (God Bless Dennis Leary... he's the Comic for the DISENFRANCHISED!!) -Page didn't miss a beat as he talked about a Wife he used to have. The Wife who BELIEVED in him. The Wife who lived in that "shabby little DO ME... YEAH, OH BABY, OH BABY.. DO IT.. DO IT..." (oops, I hit the Spice Channel by accident) -Does Kim remember the time when Page had to use a U-Haul to pick her up when the car broke down? Back then, Kimberly was a REAL Woman. back then, Kimberly gave up so much, that Dallas wanted to give her EVERYTHING. (She gave up her Butt? Now THAT'S a woman!!) -Meanwhile, Kimberly was twirling her hair and looking... confused. Much like Kidman, it appears as if reality is beginning to snap back and things are going back to normal. -Turning to Kanyon, page discusses how he is the one guy who he REALLY took under his wing. He's the ONE GUY to whom Page passed on the Schooling he got from HIS mentors, Jodie Hamilton, Dusty Rhodes, and Jake Roberts!! (Jake's first lesson: If you're arm is fried out, there's always between the toes!) -Page said that he taught Kanyon about how it's NOT about the times you get knocked down, it's about the times you get right back up! (I KNOW he cribbed that from a Richard Simmons Infomercial!!!!!!) -The problem is, Dallas don't feel like getting up again... and maybe it's all his fault... but the business has cost him his health, his friends, and his Wife, and if it comes down to working with people like Bischoff, screw it... it ain't worth it. -Page dropped the mic and walked away. Bischoff yelled something into the mic, but it wasn't working... I can almost believe in God again. -Of course, Hudson has to remind us that Nitro is STILL basically a second rate RAW by saying that Page, "is going back to his roots!! He's going back to the PEOPLE!! HE'S THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP GODDAMIT!!! WHY ARE YOU CHEERING THAT... THAT... SAMOAN??? -commercials -Face time for the Announcers, who discuss these amazing new developments -Tony pushes "Reload"... hosted by Bob Ryder and Jeremy Borash. Between this and WCW Live, don't you think they pay TOO much attention to an audience which makes up, according to them, only 5% of the whole audience? Something doesn't jell here. -clips deal with Sting's recent nonsense. Hudson says that those fascist bastards at Turner will NOT allow them to show us Sting on fire, we can ONLY see it on the GAB replay. Tony then slays a live chicken and promises to put a voodoo hex on us if we don't order it. -Vampiro comes out. I have dedicated TOO much space to this show... I'm going on Cruise Control! -Vampiro says that Sting burned, and he doesn't care. Sting's scarred for life and he's happier than a pig in bodily excrement. -Then he challenged someone to come on out and be the next target. -The Demon comes out. THE DEMON!!!! THE F-ING DEMON!!!! WHY??? -I'm out. -Steiner leaves "Hunter" with a "phreak" and goes off for his segment. -Kevin Nash has apparently not moved a single muscle since being stuffed in the car. -commercials -backstage, Russo is sweating out the chance that he might lose his hair. -Kimberly and Kanyon come out for another dialogue that's a true BITCH to recap quickly. -They hit the ring. Kimberly verifies to the morons that yes, Dallas quit the business. (Thank Bloody Socrates that SOMEONE thought better than to let us figure that out on our own!) and she's all broken up about it. -Two seconds later, she's over it. She announces that her "benevolent sponsors" (Hudson, "Banana WHAT?"... Tony, "Benevolent."... any wonder why Lawler and JR sleep like babies at night?) have set her up with her very own product, a "cologne for ladies called ‘Positively Me'. Valued at $395 a bottle. (Why don't they just call it "LE ARROGANCE"? Might as well pay tribute to this 80's refugee they've yanked out of the mothballs) -And seriously, isn't Kimberly too damned OLD to be sounding like a "Valley Girl" ? -Kimberly decided that this crowd couldn't afford this, looking around, she said, "mmm hmm, Target." Which was funny. -Oh, she said more, which was punctuated by Madden basically having an orgasm right there on mic. -Kanyon got on the stick and... oh who cares about Kanyon? -He's the new DDP, with a new book out called "Positively Kanyon" (pages book, sloppily rigged), which was co-written by Mark "Smoky" Madden (apparently, Madden smokes, having referenced cigarettes earlier that evening. A compulsive Eater AND a smoker... no wonder he's so bitter.) -Kanyon is also going to debut his new move tonight, that being the DIAMOND CUTTER!!! -Scott Steiner came out with one "phreak", the other one was busy watching Nash's nephew. -Steiner got on the stick and said, "Kanyon, you come out here with Page's Wife and you act like it's a big deal. Why don't you tell me who HASN'T been with that BITCH!!" (JEEZUS!!! How does he get AWAY with that stuff?) -Kanyon ran into the ring and they got it on. Mercifully, it didn't take long for Kanyon to "Cut" the Ref and Kimberly to go out and fetch Mike Awesome. The big double team was on. -Kronic came out. Tony declared the odds were even. (four on two?) -The Menfolk vanish, Kimberly was confronted by Miss Handcock. Madden said "Snootchie Bootchies", (God? it's me... Chris. Could you possibly do me a favor and give Madden Lung Cancer? If you do, I promise to spend my life converting lost souls to Catholicism... do we have a deal?) -Handcock gets Kimberly in the ring, and let's her hair down. She takes her glasses off Kimberly sprays her with her Perfume. Handcock sells it. I'm sure Rick Martel is currently cursing his French ass off. -Ric Flair is having a Father/Son chat with Reid ("No son, these are not girly boobs. Yes, you'll probably get a pair too when you are old enough.") -commercials -Backstage, Scott Steiner has RIPPED the mic from Pam Pollshock and told Awesome that he's gonna find him, and ram his "boot so far up his (bleeep) that... that..." oops, he lost the line. -I don't get it... THAT was cut from the replay, but "Why don't you tell me who HASN'T been with that BITCH!!" stays? -Meanwhile, that phreak screwed up and lost "Hunter". Typical. -Vince Russo and David Flair come out. I flipped to HBO so I don't know if he said anything. -I flip back to find Flair lacing into his Son with chops. -He throws David into the corner. David does the headflip thing, but doesn't vault over the ropes. Might have been intentional. -Russo gets involved. Flair gets him into the corner and chops him. Russo doesn't feel it. Instead, Russo pays tribute to Nikita Koloff and does the crab pose/tongue out move. That's sweet. -Flair rips off Russo's jacket to reveal a Chest protector. Ric rips it off and chops him twice. Then it's back to David. -Father gives Son a little pain, then puts him in the Figure Four. Russo comes in with a bat and beats Flair with it. Reid jumps on top of him. David pulls him off. Russo beats on Ric with the bat. Russo chokes Ric with the bat. David puts Ric in the Figure Four. -Russo tells Flair's Wife to enter the ring and gives her one more chance to join up with them by hitting her Husband with a Statue of Liberty. She thinks about it, but Russo grabs it and hit him with it himself. -The daughter tries to get into it. R&B Security holds her. -This continues until ANOTHER Child throws in the towel and the match ends. Flair is retired. -Russo pulls out a bag, reaches in, pulls out an Electric Shaver, and starts taking off Ric's hair... (now THAT'S dedication to the craft. For Flair to allow them to do this... WOW... I mean... WOW!!!) -It ALMOST... and I mean ALMOST makes up for the fact that Russo really should have put the TALENT ahead of his own dreams and allowed DAVID to do this. Prick. -The aftermath had a goofy looking Ric freaking out and Russo giving hugs to David. -Nash is out of the car and being uncuffed... not a moment too soon, that hair needs to be FLIPPED!! -commercials -Moments ago, WOW... he's got a SET on him to let that happen. -Kevin Nash comes out. -Goldberg comes out with various New Bleeders. -He casually enters the ring, and goes right to it. -GB is bounced off the ropes and eats a big boot. GB rolls out of the ring and laughs at him. (if you thought he didn't sell jack squat BEFORE...) -Back in the ring, GB ducks a haymaker and BLAMMO... Side thrust kick. -Nash is down, and down he stays. -Kevin shoves Nash in the corner and chokes him. -Nash mounts a WEAK comeback, a New Bleeder runs in and gets knocked back out. GB hits Nash with a chair. Then he takes off his glove and punches Nash bare fisted. -Nash's Nephew comes out to watch. Russo comes out to grab his head and make him watch. Highly unnecessary, the Kid's head was GLUED. -GB holds up Nash's head and taunts the kid. I SWEAR, they took this straight out of "No Hold's Barred" where Hogan... I mean RIP... was inspired by the sight of his crippled Brother lifting a finger. -Nash wasn't inspired. He just laid there, counting the minutes ‘till he can go back to Titan. -Scott Steiner ran out, he's seen enough. The New Blood and R&B held him back. -The show ends with GB quite satisfied over having laid out Big Kevin. Dark days ahead for WCW... dark days indeed. Hey, I have no problems with saying this. Goldberg is a NASTY ASS HEEL. He WAS put over as a Killer and put over WELL. Maybe too much, I can't see how he can be stopped. Just like Hogan was four years ago. That's either good news, or bad news... depending on how you look at it. I can NOT, in all good faith, give the night to a show that featured the Demon, the Artist, and... well, those two are MORE than enough. RAW featured more cool stuff. With the exception of that silly "Get the Mask Off" nonsense... the show was more fully cooked. Nitro cooked in certain places, but as a whole, they can't compare. Okay, you should have fun with this. Since the last few Closers were just re-posts of some of my classic past stuff, I thought we'd play a little game this week. I am going to re-word the names to songs, you look them over...and try to figure out the original title. I'll ONLY do songs, not CD Titles... and I promise, these bad boys are ALL well known... I PROMISE, you've heard at least 98% of them. Unless you're deaf... then you haven't heard sheeit. Oh right, you FEEL the music. Yeah, okay... right. It's the same thing. Uh huh. For Instance: "Baby, Hit Me One More Time", becomes "Infant, Strike My Person Yet Again". Or, "Ode to Joy", becomes "Elegy Inspired By Rapture". Sounds easy? I think most of them are pretty simple, but I'm the one who wrote them, so they're ALL easy to me. Hell, I even snuck in a wrestling reference in there. NAME THAT TUNE! 1) "Personal Handling Of How Life Was Led" 2) "Seize the Monetary Units and Exercise" 3) "Connector to Higher Floors to Where the Good Go When They Die" 4) "Please Come In to the African Rainforest" 5) "Olfactory Perception Detects Something Akin to Enthusiasm within the 12-21 Age Group" 6) "Djinn Dwelling Within a Liquid Container" 7) "Conceived to Move One's Legs in a Rapid Motion in Order to Achieve Forward Motion" 8) "Adoration Defined As a Meadow Teeming with Bovines" 9) "The Person I am Talking to Directly Really Should be Aware" 10) "The Illegal Narcotic Performance" 11) "The Unlit Face of Earth's Natural Satellite" 12) "Dispense a Bit of Sweetener Upon My Personage" 13) "Father, Please Refrain from Mounting Your Soapbox" 14) "Our Society Is About to Knock Everyone Listening on Your Asses" 15) "Sought After, Either Departed from the Mortal Coil or In Reasonably Good Health" 16) "Wayne Ferris's Gimmick If He Was Born a Woman" 17) "Citrus Fruit That Makes a Great Summer Drink When Mixed with Sugar" 18) "Intercourse Kind of Object" 19) "Evil Sinking Down to And Into the Marrow" And Finally… 20) "Society, as a Whole, All Have a Secret, Not Including the Author and the Author's Primate" There you go. Have fun. If you get them all, send the answers to me (e-mail…NOT THE MAILBOARD) and I'll give you a reward. Or, at least your name in the column, I'll call you God… or something. Maybe say I'm your bitch… something like that. Now, I KNOW many of you people might consider coming up with your OWN stuff and sending them to me. Well I'll tell you right now… I'll only try to guess IF you get all of mine… or give them your best shot. Hey, this week marks my 3 YEAR anniversary on the Net. 3 YEARS of REDEFINING Internet Recapping (and look at how many "comedy" recaps I've spawned), and being the general biggest pain in the ass around. Coolness. I thought I'd downplay it this time around. No big deal really. Just think about what happened with me in the last year… phone numbers, lawsuits, Internet Awards, promising no more weeks off, taking a week off 3 weeks later, Schiavone, editing, Old Friendships End (bye Al), New Friendships Begin (Hello Eric), Computer Meltdowns, a new Girlfriend, site jumps, Bitchslapping Web Losers, Finally Ending Web Feuds, and of course… weeks and weeks off. Did ANYONE READING even DREAM a year ago that so much controversy could come from one guy? I wonder what I can do in my FOURTH year to top the last one? I'll think of something. I think, barring outside situations, I'll go for 5 years... then retire the column. Nice round number to go by. A year ago, I was pretty much single handidly holding up one site... now look at me! Of course, I thought I was going to be "off the Web forever" by the end of last year? What happened with that? Anyways… I guess I've said enough. It's not like anyone is reading this anyway. I'm going to go call her again. You know when you get that feeling where you don't know if it's love, but you know it COULD be love? Well, that's the feeling I have now. And it rules. This is Hyatte