Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the June 12 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "How in the world can you say that watching Kid Rock on Raw was a treat? Good Lord Hyatte, Kid Rock sucks! But I have to say that his new song is so original. Pure genius. I've never heard that guitar intro before (COUGHmetallicaCOUGH). It really takes americans to buy this crap. Besides, on the business side of things, you, americans, are the best. But on the music side of things, you're pretty crappy (Eminem, NSync, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Hootie and the Blowfish, Kid Rock, Puff Daddy, etc...). The Brits are the best in that category, hands down. Viva Radiohead and Oasis!!! That's what I call music. The americans can't always be the best Hyatte." From: Alex J. Of course we can. We do it ALL THE TIME!! You had best capitalize "American", sonny... let's not forget that if it weren't for US, you Brits would STILL be diving into your sewer tanks every time someone with a German accent knocked on your door. "Oasis"? WTF? You mean that Beatle cover band? And why bring up "Hootie"? That band burned out by the mid 90's. "Hey, I enjoyed your mop-up, but if the "big surprise" on Nitro turns out to be Goldberg's heel turn, please tell me you won't act like it came out of nowhere." Lee Semasko semasko@peoplepc.com I won't Hello. I'm the Internet Hooligan and this is the Crap Shoot. Things are the same over here, no new developments. Other than the fact that I really think I'm in love now. It's weird. Even now, as I type this, I am staring at the phone and thinking about delaying the column for a few more hours and calling her. It's... I don't know. I'm at a loss for words. Well, I guess I should get into things. Starting with the Great American Bash, which I DID order... it's the first PPV I've ordered (*cough*) since... wow, I don't even remember. It's been that long. Anyway, let's analyze the big moments of the show... I COULD go into a little horn tooting by bragging that WCW took the idea I suggested a couple of months ago, where I ran a closer that had suggestions for the Bischoff/Russo union.... the top suggestion, of course, was turning Goldberg into a heel. I COULD... but I won't. Not for any humility (Hell, I'm not brimming with confidence that I even held on to my "In the Business" audience when I jumped sites), but because I'm sure that Russo had this in mind a long time ago anyway. I dare say, maybe convincing the Big Monkey to do it was why he was away for so long? In either case, it's done, he's bad. Now, a MILLION different possibilities open up. Lots of scenarios are possible... blah blah blah... I would just like to point out how QUICKLY the fans chanted, "GOLDBERG SUCKS" after he speared Nash... which pretty much cements the theory I had for a long time now. Goldberg was NOT as popular as everyone thought. Sure, he could pump up a crowd in the ring, and yes... he knows how to attention focused on the match, but too many people resent him... F-it, *I* resent him. He's barely two years in the business, most of which spent known mostly as an Austin rip-off, he's not pushed... he's shoved, throttled, and jammed right down our throats by frantic announcers who sold him as Jesus Christ made flesh. Like sex with Mike Samuda. his matches are quick, unsatisfying, and an hour later you forgot about it. It was ALL propaganda. Now, let's see if Irony rears it's ugly head and he starts hearing Mad Pops all over the place like Austin did back in the day. Let's see if GB turning Heel finally gets him as "over" as the WCW Promotional Gestapo has tried to get us to think for the past 2 years? Let's see if the Heel Goldberg draws more than a 2.9. But, what does Vince McMahon have to do with any of this? Why would Bischoff brag that Vince "couldn't do anything about it"? Well, because he's desperate. Him and Russo. Don't listen to that crap about "needing a year" before Nitro takes off... they want IMMEDIEATE gratification... they want RAW knocked out off the charts NOW... and they will keep throwing out shocks and overselling every single surprise until they do it. Instead of building on something slowly, and crafting well thought-out storylines for a year like RAW did... they're going for instant success... in order to appease the masses. Not the Internet Masses, but the unwashed, uncouth, stupid sheep-like "Casual" fan base that has no clue about this inside stuff. Oh, and you DO realize that this is simple a total re-enactment of Hogan's Heel turn in '96, right? That's all it is... the New Blood is the "NWO" and Hogan...err... GOLDBERG is the Big Name that helps blow the thing up. Hell, the old NWO was started by 2 former WWFers, Hall and Nash. The "New Blood Order" was started by, among others, Russo and Jarrett... 2 former WWFers. We've seen this milked before, people. There is nothing new here. Boy, I wish I had the space to talk more fully about WCW's attempt to reach the "casual" fan... maybe I do? E-mail me and we'll talk. The stuntman thing DID bother me. It reeks of the same type of desperation. We paid GOOD money to see STING take a bump, not some ballsy stunt man. I know, Owen Hart took a similar fall and paid for it... Brandon Lee put a prop gun to his head and it accidentally killed him. Have they stopped using prop guns in movies? The stunt man thing bothered me in as much as it's "Stunt" scripting... grab the attention fast. Does that make sense at all? They'll never win. Not this way. They are trying to be the WWF when the WWF is on top of it's game (although we can live without any more Rock/HHH). It's kind of like all these recappers trying to be me even though I've been producing kick ass columns lately. It's a joke. Kevin Nash now has 19 months left on his contract. Then he gets to come home. Am I crazy or have I become a pretty popular topic of Net conversation this week? I wonder why? This week's Closer is a brand new, freshly made, bit of fun. It's a game you can play. I really think you'll dig it. Hold on... one quick phone call just to hear her voice, then I'll jump into RAW. BBL. Okay, it's now 2 and a half hours later. I feel great, let's get into it.. RAW IS WAR (or: Who is the "Toby" and why does he get a title shot?) -opens with the ending to "Walker: Texas Ranger". " ‘Cause that's where a Ranger's gonna be" Bwaw na naa. I not ashamed to admit it, my toes started to tap. -Top Kick Productions brings this to us. Although at Chuck's age, he's probably more inclined to aim for the gut nowadays. -WWF is "One World Leader". I DEMAND to see the paperwork on this. -clips from everything that happened last week as pertaining to the current World Title scene. Meanwhile, I keep a candle burning in my windowsill until the time when Bruno comes back and TAKES EVERYONE TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!! -opening theme... If you play it backwards, you can CLEARLY hear them singing, "STAY IN SCHOOL AND RESPECT YOUR PARENTS"... (BASTARDS!!!!) -Fireworks explode in our faces. To achieve a similar effect, my local Indy fed brings a Cow into the building and lights it's farts. It's thrilling. -(notevencloseto) Speaking of Backyard Feds, I remember when these things were called, "Goofing Around With You're Friends", and we didn't have ANY Internet Moron covering us for an exclusive, in-depth look. -Jim Ross is in full throttle mode as he discusses the "3 Biggest Forces in the WWF are set to collide", then adds, "and Goldberg's STILL the same loser... wake UP people!!!" -Off things kick by bringing out the Rock. Ross says that they are NOT wasting any time, we give the FANS WHAT THEY WANT... "WE HAVE OUR FINGERS ON THE PULSE OF THE PEOPLE LIKE NO THER COMPANY!!! AND WE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO KEEP IT THAT WAY!!" -Then Ross introduced the WWF's "New" Creative team... Kevin Sullivan and JJ Dillon!!! (Oh my God!!! IT'LL BE A BLOODBATH!!!!!) -It took me 15 full minutes to dream up that line. -I had one HELL of a horribly tasteless line planted right here. Common sense and this damn moral fiber of mine made me edit it out just before sending it off. Just thought you should know. -Rocky hits the ring, and takes his time soaking up the pop. Ross calls the crowd "Jakked" (JAKKED?? I'M WATCHING JAKKED?? OH ICKY... ICK ICK ICK) -"Jakked" is so lame, I don't even think anyone ANYWHERE covers it. "WCW Worldwide" laughs at "Jakked", if "Worldwide" was a living, breathing object with a mouth and the ability to show emotion... that is. -They are in St. Louis. At the Kiel Center. Of course, if you can find YOUR "Kiel Center", you can unlock your Shakra and experience an inner bliss unlike anything you've ever felt before. Or just spark a doobie and get the same effect. -Okay, we get it... he's over. Let's get going. Nitro ran four angles, a match, and 5 sets of boobs already. YOU CAN'T AFFORD ONE SINGLE QUARTER HOUR DAMMIT!!!! -"Finally. the Rock has come BACK to St. Louis!! Now, which one of you a**holes stole my watch?" -Rocky sez that he heard all week long about how "come Monday night", he was going to hear it from every direction. Be it Bikers, Cartoonish Hellspawns, Cartoonish Billionaires, Raging Old Queens, 2 Dollar, no.. 50 CENT SLUTS!! (Mom never dropped below $1.75, so pffffth) -Wow... I feel guilty now. That's a first. -The Rock says THIS... "Fliff flooey snarf grup." The fans ate it up. Jesus, you ARE mindless! -The Rocks says THIS (too)... "It's Monday Night!"... then challenged the Undertaker to bring his "American Bad Ass", Kane to bring his "seven foot body" (WHAT?? Oh pad that up some MORE, why don't you?), Triple H to bring that "three foot NOSE" (HAW)... with Rock as God's witness (I KNEW it was only a matter of time before he shows his Messiah Complex)... JUST BRING IT. He motions to the entrance way. -Kane comes out first. I hear Paul Bearer sells Amway now. -Kane enters the ring. He's got a microphone. This might be painful. -BIG sign that reads, "Matt is God". Ironically, the person holding the sign was also named "Matt". -Kane puts the mic to slit, and tries to get a Rock pop by pausing dramatically. The fans chant, "ROCKY, ROCKY". Kane rips off the mask and hisses, "No, NO.. you morons." - "Just... bring it... huh? Well... consider it... BROUGHT!!" Nobody bothered to explain why his vocal cords self-regenerated like that. Must be an act from Matt. -They are about to go at it... ONLY 5 MINUTES INTO THE SHOW??? THIS IS UNHEARD OF!!!! -it's SO unheard of, that someone came to their senses and sent the Undertaker out there. On his Motorcycle. He roars down the ramp, screaming, "NO BRAKES, NO BRAKES!! I'M GONNA DIEEEEEEEEE!" (what a pussy). -He veers away and cruises in neutral until it stops on his own. -By the way, not EVERY day can be "Judgment Day", you know. -Big sign that reads "AL IS GAY!!" No he's NOT! -UT hits the ring. 5 more pounds and he can slap his belly and call himself "The White Kamala". -Kamala... a watered down version of ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER!!!! (Abdullah and the Sheik. Two people who gave me actual nightmares as a lad... them, and Gabe Kaplan... for obvious reasons) -All three WERE ABOUT TO JAM AND GIVE US A TREAT EARLY IN THE SHOW WHEN SUDDENLY... -Linda McMahon walked out, to the WWF post-commercial bumper music, which is WAAY better than that dopey "Wrestlemania" theme that deserves a burial once and for all. -Linda's so excited, (i.e.: her pulse decided to work tonight) she started talking before the damn sound guy could turn the volume up on her mic. -She enters the ring and asks, "What are you three men trying to DO?" Rocky answered, "Well, I'm trying to get through this crap with my face intact, then get Leo and Kate to help me talk Cameron into writing a script where the Scorpion King raises the Titanic and we can get a cool sequel going." (Hey, I'd pay to see it.) -Linda asked them if they were REALLY stupid enough to tear each other apart much to the delight of the McMahon/Helmsley Faction. This time, it was the UT who piped in with, "Hey lady, do you see any of us cracking the Cold Fusion Mystery? We get dropped on our heads for a living!" -Linda ignored that and continued, stating that they have to STICK together for only two more weeks until "King of the Ring". They must UNITE AND STICK TOGETHER!!! Black, White, Red as ONE!!! (Really, the Black and Red SHOULD be beating the crap out of the White guy... for 200+ years of Arrogant Injustice) -Lawler demanded that Linda get out of there and get back home to tend to Vince's needs. The last guy to venture in these waters can currently be seen calling himself the "Chosen One". LAWLER MUST HAVE SIGNED WITH WCW!!!!! QUICK, SOMEONE GET KELLER TO REPORT THIS!!!!!!!! -Linda had more to say, but she was cut off by... -Vincent K. Along with his two kids and his Son-in-Law. He looks around... absurdly baffled that he would get booed. -He gets on the mic and asks his Wife who she thinks she is. Does she think she's "Mother Teresa"? (that would explain why she purchased a Glass Coffin for herself.) -Or maybe Linda thinks of herself as, a modern day Joan Van Ark? (and get upstaged by Donna Mills, Lisa Hartman Black, and Nicolette Sheridan?? FOR GOD'S SAKES, WHY?) -Vince stopped to snarl, "SHADDUP!" It never fails to kill me. -Wait, wait, wait... he's got it. Linda considers herself, "an attractive Janet Reno!" (Makes sense... since they did to Bret Hart what she did to David Koresh... minus the fire and the blood and the guns and the death.) -Vince wanted to tell Linda whom she REALLY is... wait, wait... *snap* I GOT IT!! ROSE MARIE!!!! -PHYLLIS DILLER?? -BEA F-ING ARTHUR!!!! And THEN... there's Maude! -No, Linda REALLY is a "meddlesome, goody two shoes, castrating, SHREW of a wife!" (suddenly, we understand why he's kept Patterson around all these years) -You know, this might have come across more convincingly if neither Vince nor Linda were STRUGGLING TO KEEP FROM LAUGHING!!! -That's who Linda REALLY is. Personally, until I see prove, I'm sticking with my Bea Arthur theory. -That said, Vince wanted to know what Linda MEANT by getting the three men in the ring to join forces. Seeing how we are two weeks away from a Pay Per View, it's high time to get the three top faces set up. -Linda said that before she was so RUDELY interrupted... she was ABOUT to say that at the King of the Ring, these three guys will be one half of a 6 man tag match. -Their opponents? Howzabout Triple Atch? -Howzabout Shane? -HOWZABOUT VINCE GODDAMMIT????? (well, SOMEONE has to get excited over this... Linda acts like she's reading a Grocery List.) -Hunter glared, Shane refused, Vince sneered. His chest slowly pumped out. -Vince snapped out a "WE ACCEPT!!!" Then barked at her for having DARED embarrass him in front of millions. Really, as if the XFL won't do that job quite nicely next year... you just KNOW that's going to be a disaster! -And how about the ratings once they move to TNN? TNT is carried in WAAAY more households. Nitro's going to run with it. -In fact, it's over. Time for the WWF Lemmings to start making excuses. -THE RATINGS ARE A JOKE!!! NEILSON CANNOT PROPERLY GAUGE CABLE NUMBERS!!! NOBODY TAKES THE WEST COAST NUMBERS INTO CONSIDERATION!!!!! TURNER HAS BRIBED SOMEBODY!!!! -Linda had some more business... after all, they can't just have all 8 of them stand there for two hours, mouthing off at each other? Maybe during the Sullivan Fiasco, they could have gotten away with it. But not now... no way Jose... no way Josb either. -Linda announced that Triple H shall defend his WWF heavyweight title against some putz named "Toby Announced". (WHO?? Did he debut on Smackdown? How'd HE get a title shot so quickly? Who gave him such a dumb ass name? I DEMAND ANSWERS!!! -Vince accepted on behalf of HHH, claiming that this "Toby" has a LOT to learn about who he should cozy up to in this company. -AL SNOW HASN'T WON A MATCH SINCE LAST CENTURY AND THIS TOBY PUNK IS PUSHED RIGHT OFF THE BAT!!! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! -come on, SOMEBODY out there has got to be enjoying this. -Linda had more... claiming that there is ANOTHER title that needs defending tonight...that being Stephanie's title. -Stephie woke up in time to pout through Mom's announcement that Lita will get another crack at it. THIS time, if ANY member of the faction gets involved, Stephanie will be automatically disqualified and the title is forfeited. -Vince agrees to THAT too. He then tells Linda to go away and play CEO somewhere. They turn to leave... -"Whoa, whoa, WHOA Vince... (I bet he's heard less and less of THOSE words as time marched on like the Cain Marko it is.)... I don't PLAY CEO, I AM the CEO" -She announced that Shane McMahon will see action... and Vince McMahon will see action. In a tag team match... against the Dudleys. (Obligatory Gulp from Vince... no doubt ripped off from Wild E. Coyote just as he realizes he chased that damn Road Runner right off the side of a cliff and he's now standing on nothing but air) -The Faction leaves, thoroughly emasculated. -Linda stays, thoroughly masculated. -Ross goes into hyperdrive. -WE go into the night's first set off... -commercials. You know why "Next Friday" didn't make as much money as the first one? Because the audience kept assuming it opened next Friday (*rim shot* THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! And now, my impression of Jack Nicholson working at McDonalds... "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BIG MAC!!" Thank you.. too kind, too kind. Here's Jack ordering at Burger King, "I want you to hold the Whopper between your knees!" Oh, thank you... no, no, too kind. I love you all, but the love of my life, is the Mistress called Comedy!) -The second hour has arrived... OR AT LEAST IT FEELS LIKE IT, BY GOD!!! -Backstage, HHH tries to butter up to Linda. Linda calmly explains that his smooth charm and bedroom eyes really only work on the girls who still have their Monthlies... and lonely men from Canada named "Pat". -Here's a dose of illogic... if Linda is driven away in her Limo, who is there to make sure her orders are followed? -X-Pac comes out with Road Dogg and Torrie. Now come on, Torrie's boobs weren't that big last week. What she got in there? Nerf Basketball halves? -This is a KOTR Qualifier. We are informed of this as... -Dean Malenko comes out followed by two girls. Dean turns around, looks at them, then shakes his head in disgust, ("I did NOT sign on for this cartoon CRAP!!!!! I just want to do what I do BEST... get all sweaty rolling around the ring with a sweaty half naked man.") -It's Dean the Machine against the "Fastest Man in the WWF" (That's right, NOBODY can start a fight in a bar, then haul his scrawny ass behind Kane or the Undertaker faster than the Paccer!) -Malenko goes for an early Texas Cloverleaf. X-Pac crawls over to the ropes. -X-Pac goes for the Bronco Buster. Dean slips away. -X-Pac runs into a Powerslam. -Torrie is up on the apron. Dean takes a swing at her and almost hits her... (FOUL, FOUL I SAY!!) This gets the Ref involved. This also gets Road Dog involved. he hits Dean, Dean is stunned, X-Pac hits the X-Factor. Dean is pinned. Quick and painless. -DX walk away in triumph... F-Basketballs, Torrie and Nerf FOOTBALLS jammed in there. -Backstage, Lita is stretching out. -Backstage, Stephanie is tying her shoes and complaining about her Mom. Hunter has his hands to his forehead and looks pre-occupied. When she asks him what they're gonna do about this, HHH is all, "I... I don't know. This has never happened to me before." (Oh God, I've lost count at how many times I've used that line.) -commercials. "Scary Movie". The scene where the Killer is running down the stairs with a Bureau rolling down hot on his tail cracks me up. -Stephanie is out with a sneer. Now SHE'S got a shirt. (I dare you... I DOUBLE DARE YOU to go and order it AND wear it. I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU!!!!!! -There's that sign again saying "AL IS GAY"... I'm telling you he's NOT!!! AL MOLINARO FROM "HAPPY DAYS" IS NOT GAY!!!!! -Sure, he's a Pedofile, BUT HE'S NOT GAY!!!!!! -Which Al did you think I was speaking of? -In a show where almost EVERY girl looks like a Porn Star, Stephanie remains refreshingly "normal" Even though we‘ve heard she has a mouth like a Hoov[EDITED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]umours are true... and by Jesus I HOPE they are. -Stephanie picked up the mic. She announced that for the record, this is not fair. She has been "our champion for 74 days straight", and even though she is always called a very nasty word... she knows deep down that the fans support her... blah blah blah. -Lita runs out... HER CHEST HAS GROWN TOO!!!! WHAT IS IT WITH THIS COMPANY??? -The Bell rings, Lita corners Stephanie, and Snap Mares her by the hair across the ring. -She follows that up with a Dropkick. Jimbo screams, "LITA IS TAKING IT TOO THE PRINCESS!!!" -Stephanie climbs to the other side of the ropes. Lita pushes her. Stephanie goes down relatively hard. She rolls around the mat holding her knee. -Teddy Long drops down to check on her. She seems in legit pain. -Suddenly, her as is facing the camera. I have it on pretty good word that during this moment, the Director in the Control Booth started to scream, "ALL RIGHT, WHO'S BEEN MESSING WITH THE HORIZONTAL CONTROL KNOB!!! THERE IS NO WAY HER ASS IS THAT BI..." then he realized that the knob was set perfectly. Believe me when I say that the Director said some MAJOR Prayers that night thanking God that Vince wasn't around to hear this. -Kurt Angle runs in and gives Lita a HARD Olympic Slam. Miraculously, Stephanie's knee popped back into place. She rolled back into the ring and pinned Lita. Angle jumped back in and they celebrated. -Backstage, HHH applauded this. He was happy. -Angle got Stephanie to drop to her knees and hold the belt up high. Stephanie did just so. If you must, you are certainly free to insert your own lewd joke about Stephanie being on her knees right (here). -Angle hugged Stephanie. HHH stopped clapping and slowly started to piece it together. Dope, no he. -HHH's deep thinking was cut short by Shane. Who grabbed him for some secret agenda that, no doubt, we will be made privy to right after these... -comm...OOPS, maybe not -It's back to ringside... where Kurt and Steph walk away together, they hug again. Ross snaps, "Get a ROOM!" I should point out that Jim is in the midst of an apparently unfriendly divorce, which kind of answers a whole LOT of questions, doesn't it? -May I point out that THIS is a PERFECT example of storytelling. They teased the Stephanie/Angle attrraction a few months ago, let it simmer slowly, then progressed it almost natuiral so it makes mkore sense. Nitro would have jammed the entire relationship with two Nitros and 1 Thunder. -Backstage, DX, the McMahon Boys, Gerry Brisco, and Pat Patterson are huddling. After some frantic whispering, and assurances that Brisco has a camera, Vince claims that something like this "has never been done before." (Don't tell me? An ACTUAL SURPRISE DRUG TEST??? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!!) -No, silly, it's a Kane ambush. Which they did. Kane fought back, but he was overwhelmed. Then they held him, in front of Patterson, who started unbuckling his belt and screamed, "GET READY TO KISS AUNTY PATSY!!!! YOU BIG RED MACHINE!!!!" Vince had to scream, "PAT" several times, before he zoned back into reality. -The tore Kane's mask off and Pat took a picture of him. According to some lore, once someone has a picture of you, that person has a part of your SOUL!! (Sounds like an angle Hogan would make up for himself.) -commercials. When, How, and for Chrissakes WHY was "Rocky and Bullwinkle" ever considered "cool"? -the X-Men are coming July 14th. The movie will reveal how Stan Lee is a REAL LIFE mutant... he's able to keep large, furry, rodent like, incredibly obvious wigs on his head and NOBODY, not even those pussies at Wizard, will discuss it. -Footage of the Kane unmasking. Oh, let's ignore the obvious "Yankem/Fake Diesal jokes" in favor of a rousing game of... -NAME THAT WEB PERSONALITY!!!!! -Which Internet personality said the following quotes about the Kane angle we just saw? -1) "Kane was supposed to lose the mask to the Faction, but it was never intended to be permanent. I don't know who reported that he would lose it for good, but they were wrong. This is another clear example of shoddy, unchecked gossip mongering that gives Internet Journalism a bad name. Even though I am single handily trying to give the Internet credibility! It's an impossible mission if you readers keep on frequenting any sites other than this one. Who's Hyatte?" -2) "Ahh, witnessing such an act of carefree hyperthyroidical delinquency makes me long for the days of yore when myself and my gallant comrades merrily banded together and triumphantly galloped thoughout the township in search of worthy adversaries and lasses of virtue true! Alas, finding neither, we sadly had to resort to banding together in a coterie of sinful secrecy and manually pleasure each other with our chubby appendages replete with our opposable thumbs. Now, I must shamelessly advocate my musical troupe, the Romergency and effortlessly plea that you ingratiate you MP3 players into exhaulting our musical number from the Internet's needy grasp and rejoice in the wonders of my magical musical capabilities. My throbbing intelligence would surely blind you if I chose to fully shine it into your paltry, unwitting faces. Think wise on that my friends. I shall make haste to return on the morrow and stun you with my ghastly incorrect answers to all your wrestling inquiries!" -3) "WOW Amigos, was that wild or what? Not as wild as these alleged rumors that we used to have a recapper on staff named ‘Hyatte'. What is a ‘Hyatte'?" -4) "Meltzer liked it. Keller didn't. I'm sitting on the fence until they can agree. Well, I'm off to New York for a week. See you later, or not." -Backstage, Vince and the boys celebrate, Vince brags that they did this just so they can force Kane to fight Rocky tonight in a No DQ brawl. If Kane refuses, Vince will post this picture AND Kane's phone number on his ICQ Profile... (*gasp* THAT PIECE OF CRAP!!!!!) -Too Cool came out. -We see that Rikishi and Val Venis had one Hell of a match the other night on Smackdown. Obviously, these boys have something to prove. -Trish Stratus brought out T & A out. Don't worry, Ross swore up and nd down that Trish and Val were only having a BUSINESS ASSOCIATION... they weren't "bumpin' uglies"... so you losers can still sit at home and pretend that she's available and willing to even talk to you. -This would be for the tag team titles? Yes. -The bell rang. Albert tossed Christopher around some. Christopher tried to tag out, but Albert held on to his foot. Christopher turned around and enziguried his ass. Albert went go. Too Hotty was tagged. -So was Test. After only a few moments, Trish was up with her boot. Hotty grabbed it. Test grabbed it from him and nailed him. Test went for the pin. Taylor kicked OUT! (that's a bigger shock than Goldberg's heel turn!) -Test was so angry, he swung at Christopher, who was standing in his corner, minding his own business. Christopher ducked, grabbed Test's head, gave him an inverted Hot Shot... -Which led to a Bulldog. Then Taylor got ready. -Suddenly, if you took a picture of Kid from "Kid ‘n' Play"... and looked at the Negative, you would get Scott Taylor -No Worm. Val Venis ran out and attacked him. The DQ was in effect. Val grabbed the Bell and clocked him with it. T & A worked on Too Cool in the ring. Rikishi charged out and cleaned house. Then he yanked Val into the ring. Stratus got involved. Stratus hit the corner, AGAIN. ‘kishi went for a little, as the French say, "Dejay Vous". -Albert yanked her off the Hershey Highway and got out of there. -Backstage, the Dudleys are walking with a PURPOSE!!! Oh, no.. that's just a table. -Backstage, Shane and Vince are preparing for this by yelling at each other about that no good Wife/Mother. Throw in a Cop, a pair of handcuffs, and blood on their hands... and you've summed up every Tuesday night at my house for a solid 5 years. -commercials -The McMahon boys come out. -The Dudley Boys come out. On top of the world and maybe the most popular tag team going right now. Meanwhile, Spike Dudley eats Macaroni and Cheese 3 days a week. He lost his gas, so he cooks it by pouring the dry pasta in a bowl, adding water, eating a can of fire Salsa, sticking a straw in the bowl, and blowing real hard. In about 96 hours, dinner is SERVED! -The match is on. Buh Buh is on Shane while D-Von is taking each Vince tap and acting like he was just hit with a lead pipe. -Vince is hurled into some steps. -It's all Dudley as Shane takes a Superplex from Buh Buh, then a top rope legdrop from D-Von is succession. This match is there primarily so the fans can see Vince and Shane get whupped. -Vince gets the flying head in the grapefruits. I understand Patterson saw this backstage and screamed, " THAT TWO TIMING SON OF A BITCH!!!! WITH A BLACK MAN, OF ALL PEOPLE!!!!!" -Shane gets a 3D. -Buh Buh announces that he's gonna get some "wood". JR claims that Vince may not "get any wood for weeks after that shot from D-Von"... (sure, blame the Black guy, DON'T BLAME DECADES OF STEROID USE!!! BLAME THE BLACK GUY!!!!) -Two tables are set up. Shane is laid out on one. Buh Buh sits on the top rope. Vince is lifted in sitting Powerbomb position. Buh Buh face is now buried into Vince's crotch. Unless he straightens things out with WCW, this position may end up being called, "The Luger Spot" -DX runs in to end things. Road Dogg hits at Buh Buh. However it happened, Vince was dumped off Buh Buh and straight down to the outside. It was an UGLY crash. He could have broken his neck. -DX put D-Von through a table. Because he's not the Hot Spot of this group. -The put Buh Buh ray on a table. Torrie climbs to the top rope and dives. She overflies, (no doubt unaccustomed to the added WEIGHT OF THOSE VOLEYBALLS SHE CRAMMED IN THERE!!!) and sort of hits/slide across Buh Buh. Everyone goes flying. -DX sets the table up again. Buh Buh fights back. Vince and Shane gets back into it. Buh Buh is back on the table. Torrie re-does the spot, hits it. The table breaks and the match ends. -In slo mo... we see Vince's face as he was placed on top of Buh Buh. yes indeed, it's the face of a man getting a surprise blowjob. -We also see Road Dogg knocked them down, then stare at Vince as if to say, "Aw Sh*t, now I'll never get another push." -commercials... "Shaft" spot is quickly followed by a "Boys and Girls" spot. Thus, in the space of one minute, every single demographic in the country is targeted. THAT is brilliant marketing. -Backstage... HHH, Brisco, and Patterson convince Bull Buchanon that the Undertaker refused to work a match with him. Ross made a fuss about how that was UTTER Bullsh*t... then went on to say, "The Undertaker, as well as ALL WWF talent, will take on ANY OTHERWWF MEMEBER so LONG AS THEY ARE PROMISED A HARD FOUGHT MATCH, AND A WORTHY EFFORT!!! WE DO NOT PRACTICE EGOCENTRIC DISCRIMINATIONS IN THE COUNTRY!!!! Then he called WCW's current champ an "Inbred hick who took it up the seat." Jeeze. -HHH and the boys talk Bull into stealing the UT's bike. Bull got on it and started it up. Pat started eyeing the tailpipe... not quite sure if it was the bike's or the Bull's -UT showed up and started running. The Boys took off. Bull sped away. UT ran a bit... got VERY wheezy, grabbed the nearest car, tossed the driver out of it, and took off. -HHH and the boys congratulate themselves on this small victory. HHH went to prep for his mystery match (ooh, I bet it's against Owen!) -Then, Pat and Brisco walk arm in arm. Pat reminds Gerry about the "picher". Brisco says not to sweat it. We see that Pat might or might not have had his hand on Gerry's ass. -Crash Holly attacks Brisco and Patterson. Pat is laid out. Gerry runs, Crash chases. Pat lies on the floor and yells, "CRISCOOO, CRISCOOO, CRISCOOOO" (Why in Holy HELL would he...want... some... Oh F-me... CUT AWAY, CUT AWAY FROM THIS SCENE NOW!!!!!) -Ross and Lawler prepare us for the rest of the night. -Crash chases Brisco into the ring. Suddenly, it's a Hardcore title match -Suddenly, it's the second hour too. -After getting a few Hardcore shots off on Holly, they spill outside. Crash puts Brisco's head against the Announcer table a few times. Lawler laughed at the idea that Gerry's head could have ended up in Ross's lap. -Then Brisco's PUNCHES were sold by Crash. NOT a good idea. -Ross assures us that Brisco does NOT look like "Chief Wahoo". -Pat comes flitting out, holding his shoulder. Lawler says, "Poor Pat, his shoulder his hurting from Crash!" Ross quipped, "Well, my ears are hurting from those shorts he's wearing." -Crash sends Brisco into the corner and into a chair. -Patterson tries to hit Crash with a can, Crash ducks, Gerald gets hit. Crash makes the pin and regains the Hardcore title. -Afterward, Brisco and Patterson have words about the error. They shake hands though, and even hug. You will note that Gerry stuck his ass out a bit. It might have been a habitual reaction. -Brisco turns to leave and Pat gives him the Crotch Chop. "Real American" plays. I'm sure if Hogan should ever return, he might deal with this particular affront right off the bat. -So now, Crash will lose the belt to Patterson, and the cycle will repeat itself, only inverted. -Backstage, Crash was celebrating by himself. He gets to his car, promises himself (and the camera) that he will never lose the Hardcore belt again, then drives off with the belt on the roof. He stopped and grabbed it. -Elsewhere, HHH was bitching to Stephanie that he needs time to prepare and should HAVE to go into a match cold like this. Stephanie didn't even think to tell him that he's fought almost everyone currently in the company already, so he really IS kind of prepared. -She also didn't think to remind the guy that this is fake... and nobody has to STUDY OTHER WRESTLERS -commercials -Shawn Michaels shilled for some tix in Phoenix... and it was a blow out... so much so that they apparently will hold Smackdown in the same building on the very next night. (I PROMISE you... well, no I don't, I do ASSUME that Tuesday, the Smackdown backstage will be paid a visit by a certain former Big Daddy Cool... who lives in Phoenix. Let's hope these Web Reporters are on the ball with this one) -HH and the H comes out with his Wife. So? Who is it? -Y2J ticker. BIG pop. -Explosion, Theme, Jericho's out with a big smile. Lawler and Ross argue over whether Jericho had EVER won the title. Ross says he did, Lawler says no way. -Oddly enough, Ross says that there was no such thing as the Holocaust... Lawler can only shake his head is disgust. -The bell rings and they go at it. Wouldn't it be a gas if Jericho won it? Why not? Everyone is screaming for a change of pace... just because TBS didn't work out (hey, YOU try getting over when they program you against the Big Bossman!), I'm sure Jericho could? -Jericho mounts it early, but HHH IS the Game and he IS a ring MASTER. (and I AM thoroughly sickened with myself.) -HHH with the Sleeper on Jericho. We get the old "going down before we get back up" thing. -Ross calls Hunter "A Master Strategist" twice within 5 minutes. So was Rommel. So was E Lee. Jesus, so was CUSTER!!!! -Jericho gets a Hurracarana off. -He rallies... topping it off with a Flying Bulldog. -HHH fights back and goes for the Pedigree... Jericho pops out and goes for the Walls of Jericho. HHH shoves out. -HHH gets the belt, courtesy of the Wife. he goes to hit Jericho, Jericho hits HIM with a Spinning Leg F-er (yup... that's right, BEEOTCH) -Jericho with the Springboard. Stephanie gets the Ref's attention. -The Ref goes down. Jericho gets his Crab in. -Stephanie tries to slap him. Jericho grabs her. He puts the Walls on her. -Hunter hits him with the title belt. Scores the Pedigree, and wins it. -Killer match. Jericho will be a World Champ one day, possibly by the end of the year -commercials -Backstage, Kane is mad. -We are reminded as to why. -Chris Benoit goes at it with Matt Hardy in a sort of grudge match thanks to the vicious, cold hearted, cheap beating Benoit gave brother Jeff last week. -Well, Benoit missed the Flying Headbutt... in WCW, that would knock him out cold. But in the WWF, he gets RIGHT BACK UP!!!! (Why? No clue, although I'm reasonably sure that Hogan's responsible in some way.) -In a wrestling FIRST... Hardy stood on the ring apron and suplexed Benoit out of the ring. Unlike the normal way, where the Suplexer remains standing there, Hardy performed it as a normal Suplex. Benoit crashed on his Hip. The crowd chanted "HOLY SHIT" Or that might have been a piped in feed that Scherer has taken a stand against, all of the sudden (which actually, is a good stand to take... I support Dave's stance... STOP THOSE DAMN PIPED IN CHANTS!!!!) -Which Shit is holy?" -Why, SWISS SHIT!!! BOOYAA!!!! GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!!!! -Following that nutty Suplex, Hardy upside down bounced on the ropes and dumped Benoit into a chair with a DDT. -It's back in the ring... Hardy misses a Moonsault, but lands on his feet. -Benoit goes for the Crossface, but Hardy fends him off. -Rapid Austrian Gila Monster Suplexes by Benoit. (Feel free to take this column, print it up, bunch up the paper, and cram it up your anus) -Hardy goes for the Downward Spiral (see above... extract, and do it again) Benoit turns it into the Crossface, and wins the match. Of course, he doesn't let go. -The other Hardy Boy runs in. Benoit hits HIM too. Benoit is all smiles. I LIKE this evil Benoit. -Backstage, Edge and Christian are watching this. Christian says that since Jeff is now hurting, it wouldn't be fair if Edge came with him for this solo match. It wouldn't be fair at all. Edge asked if he wanted him to join him at ringside? Christian said, "Of course!" They left. Funny. -commercials -Footage of what just happened. -Christian took on Jeff Hardy for a KOTR Qualifier. -Jeff won after absorbing a Superplex and hooking legs so it became a cradle. I'm sorry, but I'm running late... as usual. -The Rock is all set. -commercials -We are shown that Buh Buh Ray is going to the KOTR after Bull helped him beat the Bossman. Meanwhile, Saturn took out D-Von. -The Macsley faction came out. Vince demands a microphone. -Vince tells us that they are undefeated tonight... and this trend will continue right into the King of the Ring. -He says that they will stay here at ringside and enjoy the Kane/Rock fight... and if Kane doesn't give it his ALL... we'll ALL see his disgusting, hideous face. (I'm beginning to wonder... does he look like Clint Howard?) -commercials -Kane comes out. Everyone cringes at his explosions. -Rocky comes out. Kane attacks. -It goes outside. Outside it stays. For a while, that is. -Rather, uneventful match. Rocky goes for the People's Elbow. Kane sits up. Rocky kicks him back down. -Hunter is on the apron. Rocky knocks him down. Kane knocks HIM down. -GTV is out of the Mothballs (WHEN DID THEY RE-HIRE DUSTIN AND WHAT DOES TERRI MAKE OF THIS??????) and we see that Brisco and at totally screwed up and there are NO pictures of Kane. (I still have his phone number on my ICQ Profile!!!) -This ended with Brisco going to the bathroom and Pat going for a cigarette. Because of who he is, there is something... malevolent about Patterson going out for a cigarette. -Oh, and Brisco says that what Vince doesn't know, won't hurt him. These boys are in deep trouble. -Kane and Rocky look at each other. Ross screams that with no pictures, there is no blackmail. -Rocky and Kane are waiting for... -The Undertaker comes out on his bike. He got it back, obviously. The Faction is/are trapped between the Rock and a Fat Face. -THE BRAWL IS ON, THE BRAWL IS ON, THE BRAWL IS ON!!! Sorry... *cough* -The Dudleys are out too. -Vince gets Rock Bottomed. -Next thing we know, HHH is in the center of a triangle of the three faces. They get the Pinball thing going. -Then UT and Kane give him a Chokeslam thought the table. Ross announces this three times in rapid succession. -The show ends. I can't think of a single thing wrong with this show. Had I the time, I'd go into it further. I don't have the time. Go read Nitro, or shoot down to the Closer... or go away. Those are your options. Oh, you can die too... that's the fourth choice.