Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Nowhere near the bounds of good taste. 6/15/98 "I was hoping that the bump to your head would knock some sense into you. Sadly, it hasn't. You are the WORST recapper on the web and it is YOU who rips everyone off and not the other way around. You're a big moron who is pathetic. I bet you're going to post this at the top of your column, because Chris Zimmerman does it and you rip off EVERYTHING. Jerkoff!" YURI: Mop-Up reader, esteemed thinker, and currently single (get him while you can girls!). Ahh it's nice to be back. I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up, a fine blend of hops, barley, and pesticide for that little "kick". Because I can and because you want it, I got us a couple of pipin' hot opening notes, just a few now, so read on and LEARN DAMN YOU!!!! - Concerning the Great American Bash. I have two small little observations that I didn't get into the recap, so I'd like to get to now...two little things that I found downright hilarious. 1: That damn "GOLDBERG" chant. Okay, fine, they want some artificial heat for the big guy, desperately trying to rush him into "Stone Cold" territory (never gonna happen kids...I'll tell you why some other time), that's okay with me. If they want to pipe in the chant...go ahead. But for GOD'S SAKE....at least TRY to make it real....they started the chant when Konan hit the ring, they kept it going through his first appearance, his walk, and when he hit the ring...they kept it right up until the bell rang....and then they CUT IT OFF. It went like this, "GOOOOLDBERG, GOOOOLDBERG, GOOOOLDBERG..........GOOOOLDding ding......" Just like that, as soon as the bell rang, WCW wanted us to believe that the Baltimore Arena CLAMPED THEIR MOUTHS SHUT IN UNISON TO MARVEL IN THE GLORY THAT IS GOLDBERG when the bell rang. It's almost enough to make you cry....so long as you were a complete pussy. 2: This was even funnier. Hogan and Hart came to the ring, Tony was in the middle of a juicy hype...the camera catches a sign that reads: HOGAN SAVAGE HART PIPER ----------------------------------- WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK The cameraman actually DWELLED on that sign for a few seconds, so much so that Tony Schiavone had to cut himself off mid-hype, go off microphone, scream, "CUT AWAY, CUT AWAY!!!!!", then go back on the air and finish the all important last minute hype. (I SWEAR, I heard him scream that). Now, if you have any work for a recently fired cameraman with a penchant for tipping a few back before big shows, then please contact Rusty at www.hillbilliesneedluvtoo@inbrednet.com Lastly, I have to address this Ric Flair issue. I haven't said much about this before because I wanted a clearer picture of what was going on before sticking my foot in my mouth (a policy not everyone on the 'net adhered to...alas) . If Ric Flair just caved in and went whimpering back to WCW with his tail tucked between his legs...(No, that was NOT a gay porn joke....get you're minds out of the gutter PERVERTS!!!!), then I would have REAMED his ass (no...that wasn't one either....SICKOS!!!!) every week for being a gutless piece of crap. The GOOD news is that he's fighting....he's looking for a little piece of Bischoff's ass after the way he was treated...now THAT'S the way to go! Way to go Flair....GO GET THOSE MUTHAS!!!!!!!! By the way, I always wondered how Flair's "Letter of Intent" suddenly became a fully fledged CONTRACT? By the way...Flair belongs in the WWF now. Imagine the first shoot he gives on RAW.....kinda gives you a chubby doesn't it? Speaking of that...how many viewers of RAW and Nitro who DON'T visit the internet are waiting for Flair to hit the WWF and Shawn Michaels to come out on Nitro? If they have no clue as to what the "inside" dope is...they must be so confused. That's it. Be sure to check out the closer at the bottom of the Nitro recap....ohhhh you're gonna love it....ohhh yes....oh yeah...ohhhh.....excuse me..gotta run to the can...... Okay, now let's do it. It's only the beginning of the column and I'm already running on fumes...(must'a been the KFC/Peanut Butter dinner I had earlier), so let's waste no more time with this and start carefully observing all the nooks and crannies from Monday night....with a sharp eye dulled by television radiation and hefty amounts of Jim Bean, it's time to RECAP!!!! RAW IS WAR (or F-YOU...THIS is a cage match) - opens with footage from last week when Austin was dumped in a casket. Ross asked the burning question, "Why is the ominous 15 foot high steel cell perilously hanging over the Warzone?" (Why? WHY??? Because MY GOD, THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!) - opening theme - Fireworks, fans, fury....you know the routine. - Jim Ross welcomes us to San Antonio. - Right off the bat, and because they re-thought the idea of putting her in a disguise...and because Nitro was on the air, they shoved out Sable. She came to the ring and we saw dozens of fans lower there signs down to cover their "nether regions". - Sable hits the ring....then the rest of here followed about 30 seconds later..(Oh I love that joke). After waving to the fans, she grabbed a handy mic and introduced us to the person responsible for bringing her back to the WWF...Mr. Vince McMahon... - the cheers immediately turned to boos as out came Vincent K. (I pray to the man who invented Velcro) McMahon. He hit the ring. - I'll tell you the truth, I totally zoned out on this one....Vince made Sable read a letter from Vince himself....I'll transcribe it and you can give it a whirl: "I, Vince McMahon, the Humanitarian of the Year (?? Sable sold the disbelief on that one..as well as most of the contents of the letter) resent any and all accusations that I, last week, in my finest hour, would stoop so low as to use legitimate charitable organizations to further my personal agenda against Stone Cold Steve Austin. I hereby disavow any reference or knowledge of the willful and heinous attack perpetrated on the current WWF champion one week ago. I remain steadfast in my resolve to be a caring, generous, and even jovial WWF owner and to furthermore, bring the parties responsible for last week's attack on Stone Cold to justice. Thank you for your kindness and understanding, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the show, p.s. Bischoff is a homo!" - With that said, Vince leaned over and planted a wet on on Sable's cheek.....somewhere backstage, Tony Garea had to console Pat Patterson, who started to weep.....damn you Vince, he wore his Cherry flavored edible undies tonight for YOU!! WHY DO YOU TORTURE HIM SO??? - Vince grabbed the mic again and told the crowd to give it up for the breasted one..which they did. Vince was getting ready to leave, so you know what happened next... - Yep, Austin came out...(Good Lord...it's like an acid flashback...the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again...HOW ABOUT A CHANGE OF PACE!!!!!!!! GOD I HATE REPITIVITY!!!) - Do you think the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ and the VILLANOS watch this stuff and scream, "MY GOD, THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!??? Anywhoo... - Austin hit the ring and Vince ran like Hell....Austin led Sable to the ring ropes and STUNNED HER ASS RIGHT OUT OF HER GELPACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Of course not, he opened the ropes up and allowed her to walk away. Then he picked up the mic and went to the script, claiming to have puked after hearing what she read. Then Austin said, and I quote: "What you're fixin' to get right now, because I'm getting tired of all you're....chicken SHIT things that you've been doin'. I'm fixin' to come up there, and I'm gonna put this foot up your ass, and there ain't nothin' you gonna do about it!" - Somewhere in Atlanta, Ted Turner saw that, (He just LOVES that rasslin') and ran for the phone. He called USA president (The Network, NOT the one who let Monica Lewinsky near him) Barry Diller and said, "Barry, do y'know whut yer rasslin' show is"........oh screw it....that gag could only go two ways...down and dead. Besides...you're not STUPID enough to even DREAM that Turner actually watches his rasslin' company are you?) - So, Austin chased Vince around a little, then Vince grabbed the mic and started begging to Austin to just LISTEN to reason, and not react in a "physical and violent way". - Austin didn't miss a beat as he said, "If you want me to react in a physical and violent way, give me a HELL YEAH" (Come on....NOBODY can touch this guy). Then chased him around a bit more... - Vince kept begging Austin to "Listen to Reason" (I already did listen to Reason....the new rock group out of Seattle....they suck) - I'm gonna nutshell this because we've got a LOOONG night ahead and I don't want to burn out too quickly....Vince told Austin that the Undertaker was to blame for last week... - then the Undertaker came out to help move along the storyline...He grabbed the mic, looked at Vince and said "Liar, liar, pants on fire". He also said to Vince, "You will never be able to manipulate the mind of the Undertaker"...(his body is a different story.....Patterson has trained Vince well.....oh yes, he trained him well). - Then Paul Bearer, Kane, and Mankind came out and backed up McMahon's claims....it all boiled down to setting up a tag team match in the cage...(Cage? CAGE???? MY GOD!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!). Obviously, they figured that this was more than enough hijinks to keep yer asses away from the remote control, so they sent us to a steaming batch of.... - commercials - Jimbo wasted no time in entering "Schiavone Land" by remarking on the SAVAGERY AND FURY THAT IS THE HELL IN THE CELL (see...SEE!!! NITRO MAY HAVE A CAGE....THEY MAY EVEN HAVE A ROOF ON IT (mygodtheyripoffeverything) BUT WE HAVE THE HELL IN THE CELL!!!!! F-YOU NITRO!! F-YOU. F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!) - Vader came to the ring because he is a fat piece of sh%# to take on the Rock in a King o' the Ring qualifier. The Nation tried to join Maivia at ringside, but that old fascist Commissioner Slaughter came out and made them leave.... - not that it mattered, because the Rock is in fine shape and the WWF would like the fat piece of sh&$ to drop about 20 more pounds, the Rock won. Vader did get a few shots in by the way. - and I should tell you that Mark Henry came out and beat on Vader enough to help the Rock win.....(There's only enough room in the WWF for ONE fat piece of sh*$ White boy...and YOU AIN'T IT!!!) - One of three DX skits of the night, called "Droppin' Knowledge" (to let the kids know that Piper doesn't work for the WWF anymore). It dealt with the match between Triple H and X-Pac. Road Dog told X-Pac that the "Pedigree" can break his neck. Road Dog then told HHH that one of X-Pac's spin kicks would be hard pressed to actually miss HHH's long honker. HHH claimed that he didn't have that big a nose....Road Dog made a Pinnochio reference. - commercials Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 2