Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Nothing good can come from reading this. . . 6/15/98 - Spot for Adam "The Edge" (I wish I had a clone, so I can make love to myself) Copeland) - Darren "Puke" Drozdov hit the ring to take on Jeff Jarrett. Before the match could be the match (how very zen of me).... - Marc Mero came to ringside with Jacqueline and took a seat next to Ross. Basically he bitched about Sable's return to the WWF. Ross told him to talk to Vince. Mero said, "So, Mr. McMahon thinks he can do anything he wants here in the World Wrestling Federation?" (well...DUUUUH...he does OWN the thing you know). - I should mention that Jacqueline had words with Tennessee Lee - I should mention that Jacqueline smacked Tennessee Lee. - I should mention that this caused Jarrett to jumped out of the ring and break them up. - I should mention that I sometimes like to wear lipstick and pretend to be Liza Minelli. - I should mention that Mero popped Jarrett in the "little double j's". - I should mention that this gave Puke a win over Jarrett. - I should mention that SIGN OF THE NIGHT went to "MOP-UP RULES" on Nitro, but a close second was the oldy but goody, "Phil McCock" could have taken it home. - I should mention that they showed a backstage door with the name Val Venis on it before they went to a set of.. - commercials - More DX Droppin' Knowledge - Val Venis came to the ring to fight Chainz. Before they went at it, Venis grabbed the mic and made some comparisons between his genitalia and the size of Texas. They locked up.... - Chainz fought a good fight.......well, not really.....but he still PINNED VENIS AND WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - not really..Venis won, but I goofed up last week and said that Puke pinned Chainz when in fact, Chainz pinned Puke (y'know..I never dreamed that I would EVER say that sentence in my LIFE). So I thought I'd even up the odds. - Kevin Kelly talked to the Undertaker backstage. UT said that Austin could trust him because he was dead...or some other nonsense like that. - Something happened that we didn't see....Ross was about to break away for spots by saying, "Folks, still to come, we....." then stopped short...as they faded to black, there was silence until the last instant where we heard Ross say, "Geeze...." then we went to.. - commercials - One more skit with DX, this time, HHH and X-Pac started to get a little riled up at each other...until Chyna calmed them down. - Marc Mero came down with Jacqueline to take on Dustin "I ain't no FAG!" Runnels. It didn't take long before... - Jeff Jarrett came down to start up trouble...which he did....he talked to Ross a bit, with Tennessee Lee and Southern Justice (Sweet Jesus why?) along for the ride. - So anywhoo....the match progressed nicely for a bit...then Jarrett distracted the ref for NO REAL REASON AT ALL because... - Sable came out..walked halfway up the ramp..and just looked at Mero..he looked back, thoroughly outraged, which of course brought on.. - a NASTY ASS Dustin Bulldog that sealed the deal and won the match for AFKAAFKAG....could it be? Are we finally starting to dig right into "Operation: Get Dustin Over Phase III"?? naaaaah..it couldn't be. - ooops...I'm sorry, there was one more DX skit.....and it was right here. - commercials - Backstage with Kevin Kelly and Dustin Runnels...Kelly congratulated Dustin on his win. Dustin thanked his "Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" for the win.... - uhhh...what? - Okay...there are a lot of ways you can respond to this...I'll list them here and you can pick and choose which one works best with your everyday lifestyle: 1: Why the Hell is he thanking Hogan? 2: Did Vince hire Jesus as a booker? 3: Since when is Sable Christ? 4: Umm, Dustin, Jesus had nothing to do with Sable...Heck (you don't say Hell when messin' with this subject matter). Sable is an almost totally MAN MADE creature. 5: Who does Dustin think he is? A black RAPPER? 6: Good for him! (For those who don't want to do anything that may tick the Man off....and I don't mean Flair) 7: Why the Heck (see #4) is he thanking Chris Hyatte? (that one's for me and me alone). - X-Pac makes his RING RETURN with a kick ass variation of the DX theme song. HHH followed suit with the more traditional theme...Chyna was not with him. - They both did the Crotch Chop thingy with the little smoke bombs..then they locked up... - They didn't get the reaction I thought they would have....the crowd was into it, but not as much as usual. - as far as the match went, X-Pac was a bit rusty, missing some moves and reacting sluggishly at times....not as smooth as his norm. Ross smugly commented that X-Pac had something big to prove to his "dissenters" who dismissed him over the years, (YA HEAR THAT UNCLE ERIC? HE'S TALKING TO YOU!!!!!!!) Chyna did eventually show up, but only to throw both men back in the ring when they went out.....this COULD have been a classic "Clique" battle, along the same lines as Michaels vs Razor Ramon, or Michaels vs Nash..but.... - they blew it. It was much too short (which made sense..Vince doesn't want to rush X-Pack too quickly, he's got a lot of years of wrestling ahead of him). It ended when the Rock showed up in the rafters and started jawing at them, (Just like Hogan and Rodman...MY GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). This distracted HHH enough for Owen Hart to sneak up on X-Pac, who was on the outside) and drop him on the guardrail on his "little pacs". X-Pac sold the pain enough for the rest of DX to fly down and check him out. As the ref counted to ten, Pac screamed at Helmsley to get his as back in the ring and beat the count...after a suitable amount of personal drama, HHH got in and scored the win. As I said, it could have been a great match. - Oh yes, Jerry Lawler joined the fun as... - RAW IS WAR became the WARZONE...although not with any fanfare. - Al Snow came to the ring with his Head with an "Avatar" mask on.....and one for his head too. Lawler was so sick of this guy that he told Ross that he was going to take care of it....and we could see it all after these nice, bill paying.... - commercials - Lawler was in the ring with Snow, he told Snow that everyone knew that it was him under the mask...Snow replied that this was proof of the marketing genius that was Vince McMahon....putting him under a mask as an Aldo Montoya look alike. - Snow said that he was there to make two citizens arrests...the first one was to Vince McMahon for the "attempted murder of his career", the second was to Lawler for "lude and public misconduct"..when asked why, he said that Lawler tried "slip me the sausage, give me a ride on the old baloney pony, you're trying to give me the old bowel canal again" (Take me down the Hershey Highway, Stuff my turkey, garnish my wages, peel my banana, core my apple, bang my drum slowly, deliver a package to my lower intestines...Hey, this is fun!) - Lawler told Snow that we didn't need a replay of the Paul Bearer incident, Snow responded by clocking him with the Head and whacking him around again....the referee got a "Snow Plow" and Lawler got a bit more crap until security chased Snow away....good stuff here. - shot of Steve Austin backstage - commercials - Michael Kole talked to Austin...you can guess what he said. - Owen and Mark Henry came to the ring...Slaughter chased the rest of the Nation away (Is Slaughter on Viagra? He seems awfully frisky lately!) Owen hardly had enough time to belt a few notes from the always rockin' classic, "Play With Me" (Owen's a BLACKHEART do'cha know) when... - Dan Severn hit the ring, all set for a gig later tonight with his Queen Tribute band, so he didn't want to waste much time, the thing is, he had to wait for his partner.. - Ken Shamrock who ran down the ring in quite the mood...SO mad was Shamrock that he FORGOT to ''zone up'' at the ring steps....(well...there goes the match....WITHOUT THE ZONE, OWEN AND HENRY ARE GONNA ROLL ALL OVER THEIR SHOOT FIGHTIN' ASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Shamrock started the match, Severn didn't seem to care... - Shamrock fought, punched, kicked and did all the things we expect him to do...then he even tagged in Severn... - Severn was certainly death on two legs as he tried to fight from the inside and keep himself close to Owen and Henry. It was clear that Shamrock was not Severn's love of my life, in fact, Severn kept looking at Shamrock as if to say "who needs you"? No, Severn did not look at Shamrock and think you're my best friend at all. I don't think he would care if Shamrock had to go back to sleeping on the sidewalk. Severn was definitely not good company when Owen put Kenny in the Sharposhooter and leaned back, Severn basically let him do it in fact. But before the Nation could scream that we are the champions, DX ran to the ring and attacked, seemingly bent on proving that we will rock you. - Vader even showed up to fight Henry and the whole thing devolved into a nasty little brohaha, with Severn in the middle. Shamrock took one look at the mess and walked off. Things broke down nicely into a set of... - commercials - okay, I'm gonna nutshell this because I can..and because I have a whole Nitro recap to pound out as well as the main event dealie-Yo here....RAW ran a first ever Tag Team Royal Rumble where a new team came in every 30 seconds.....the usual suspects were there, as well as the new team of Kane and Mankind...after a set of... - commercials - the teams rumbled.....in the end, Kane and Mankind won...and now they are the #1 tag team belt contenders....yippee. - commercials - Paul Bearer and his boys were in the ring as the cage was being lowered. He asked Austin and the UT if they accepted the challenge. Then Mankind grabbed the mic and recited a funky little poem that I ain't even coming CLOSE to reciting...no..I ain't.. - Austin came to the ring, well, he waited at the doorway. He waited for the UT..whose music came on.... - but he didn't.. - so they played his music again... - no dice... - so Mankind and Kane attacked Austin....t'was a gnarly throwdown...meanwhile, Paul Bearer (for no plausible reason other than the script told him to) locked himself in the cage and giggled like a fat giggling man (sorry...best I could do) - then the UT came THROUGH the ring and attacked Bearer in the ring......and boy, did he beat the CRAP OUTTA HIM!!!! Blood was freely flowing... - MY GOD!!! HOGAN AND THE NWO JUST ARRIVED AND LIFTED UP THE RING VIA REMOTE CONTROL..NOW THEY ARE BEATING ON THE UNDERTAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NWO IS GOING AFTER THE WWF!!!!! THE TAKEOVER IS UNDERWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - oh...wait a second...I screwed up and pressed the remote..sorry. - So Austin and Mankind are still brawling, but Kane climbed to the roof of the cage and was trying to get in to save his pappy... - Jeezus Crow!! WHEN DID STING PUT ON ALL THAT WEIGHT???? - oh, sorry..that damn remote again.. - With Mankind suitably destroyed, Austin climbed the ring and went after... - STING!!!!!! MY GOD!!! BISCHOFF RE-HIRED AUSTIN AND HE'S NWO WHITE!!!! HE'S GOING AFTER STING!!!!!!!! - DAMN this remote...sorry. Austin went after Kane of course.....they went at it on the roof, Ross screamed, MY GOD!!! THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE!!!!!!!!!!! and the show ended on that note... Well, it wasn't exactly a Hell in the Cell was it? But it was a bloody good brawl! BUT IT WASN'T A CAGE MATCH!!!!! But we did see Austin and Kane fight on the roof. BUT WE WERE PROMISED A HELL IN THE CELL!!!!!! But did what we get kick Nitro's ass? How should I know you idiot, we haven't recapped it yet. Well get your fat ass to the Nitro mop-Up and get to it slick. Okay fine. Chris Hyatte
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