Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

You'd best read the RAW recap first. 6/15/98 Proving once again that ego has no limits, Bischoff packed up his dog and pony show and headed straight for the Big Apple. Yes, indeed, right in the heart of WWF country, Uncle Eric was obviously hoping that once New York had a taste of a live WCW event, then they would ABANDON VINCE EN MASSE AND HELP BISCHOFF TAKE OVER NEW YORK IN AN INVASION THAT WOULD RIVAL THE NAZI'S TAKING OVER FRANCE!!!!!! Yes, yes, yes..we will all now goose step in a forced march towards another installment of the 3 hour brain washer known as... NITRO (or Nonononono...THIS is a cage match...F-YOU!) - Right off the bat, we see Public Enemy walking to the ring. Rocco Rock was wearing a bandanna over his mouth...possibly because he was ashamed of what he has become since leaving New York and ECW...OR, possibly he was getting in character and knew that he would be ripping off ECW in this match. Choose one and stick with it..because there really isn't any wrong answers. - Tony tells his first LIE of the night...(I can't believe nobody has called them on this...or am I just dead wrong?) This is NOT Nitro's first trip to New York..didn't they run a Nitro in the THEATER AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN TWO YEARS AGO? I remember it because at the time, Tony and Bischoff, (who was just your standard average ring announcer pretending that he didn't run things around here, at the time) kept saying that Nitro was "comingtothetheaterat MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Did I see what I thought I saw? Did that sign say what I thought it said??? - I'll check on that later. So....the Pubes were taking on Humorous and the Barbarian in an "Anything Goes" match...so long as no blood is drawn and nobody REALLY gets hurt. Tony called it a "Long Island Street Fight", which is WILDLY different from a "Boston Street Fight", a "San Francisco Street Fight", a "Denver Street Fight", and a "Richmond Street Fight", but EXACTLY LIKE a "Philly Street Fight", a "Chicago Street fight", and a "Jacksonville Street Fight".....since this is WCW....let's just call it a toned down version of a "Sesame Street Fight" and leave it at that. - No surprises here....an unGodly amount of tin cookie trays were banged up, as were a couple of plastic garbage cans, which Tony and Larry had the gall to refer to as "DUMPSTERS"!!! - In fact, I don't think there was much difference between this match, or any other street matches that these four guys (and Jimmy Hart) have had. Other than the fact that the Barbarian made use of some cooking thongs around Rocco's neck. - oh..right...this time around...TWO pre-cut tables were broken....not separately, but not stacked on top of one another, but propped side to side. Public Enemy took the pin....no one in the building DARED to scream out "ECW" during this. - Tony welcomed us with some fireworks and Tony tried to jack us up. Tony reminded us that Larry had earned the nickname "The Legend" during a match in Shea Staduim about 18 years ago. Of course, he didn't mention who Larry fought in that match..that would be telling. (Bruno Sammartino for you young'ins). Larry took his bow and Tony, now that that intrusive opening match was FINALLY out of the way, began the hyping in earnest. - Footage of a visibly drunk Tenay outside with the fans earlier that day....he started to ask them pointless questions about pointless stuff when.... - We see a mini fire cooking next to Tenay's feet...they must be cooking some burgers and.....wait a second.....oh no.....not today of all days... - IT'S A FLAG...A PUERTO RICAN FLAG!!!! TODAY WAS PUERTO RICO DAY IN NEW YORK AND THOSE PUNKS ARE BURNING A PUERTO RICAN FLAG ON PRE-TAPED TV RIGHT IN FRONT OF TENAY!!!!!!! THOSE BASTARDS!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! HAS THE ROSIE PEREZ BEEN INFORMED????? WHO DO THOSE PUNKS THINK THEY ARE??? "KRAMER"???????????? - Just wait until the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ hears about this!!! - Moving along, Tenay interview one rather boisterous fellow in the crowd....when Tenay asked, "Is New York ready for Nitro?" The gentleman SCREAMED, "NEW YORK IS READY FOR NITRO!! THE RED AND BLACK ATTACK!!! DDP IS GONNA BE STING'S PARTNER!!! BAAAANG! YEEEEEEAAAAH!" - Ladies and gentlemen....in case you didn't know, that man was none other than Al Isaacs. You made it to the tube Boss..Good for you!! Take a bow!! - footage from last week where Nash told Page to sign up. - opening theme - commercials - The Nitro Girls do a dance....the "Lambada" it ain't. - Obviously, those damn Nitro Party tapes have been drying up a tad...so they gave us a fully produced... - commercial... - ..to get us to send them in...(I will PERSONALLY gratify you orally if you send in a tape of you and your friends sleeping during Nitro). - Mean Gene brought out 2 time loser from last night, Randy "Macho Man" Savage. He challenged Diamond Dallas Page to a cage match for later that night (Cage Match? CAGE MATCH???? MY GOD, THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)...sort of a WolfPack "initiation" if you weeeel. My only question is...When did Savage suddenly become "Jobber to the Stars"?...Answer: At exactly the same time Hulk Hogan became friends with him. - still shots from last night's tag team main event - commercials - still shots from the TV title match - Chris Benoit comes to the ring looking like he always looks....with a touch of disgruntleness in there for good measure. He was taking on Fit Finely, looking like he didn't really care if he had a title or not...(Beggorah, I've no need fo' a bloody cheap piece of cowskin 'round me bloomin' waist...if I start me bleedin' Volvo an it don't blow up, it's a good day for me"). - The Irishman was treated to a rousing chant of "FINELY SUCKS"...Fitass looked more shocked that anyone was paying attention to him than anything else. - Since no title, honor, or glory was involved in this match, it's only fitting that Benjy won..which he did (Crippler Cross Face if you MUST know)...but not before making us wait through a set of... - commercials - ..THEN he won..after the match, Mean Gebe hit the ring, presumably to give Benoit the old "You're a LOSER" pep talk that did so much for Malenko. Benoit had other plans, and asked for Booker T to come out... - which he did, with his brother Stevie Ray. In the ring, Benoit held out his hand....Booker took it.....Benoit Benoit said that if Booker should, "ever need someone to back him up...." - which ticked off Stevie Ray for some reason..he promptly took the mic and told Benoit that Booker doesn't need any back up from a honky like himself... - Benoit re-iterated the offer... - Stevie Ray re-iterated that Benoit was a honky...(I think he also called him a "Pimp Squeak"...but I could be wrong) - Benoit re-re-iterated the offer.....and even tried to set Booker up with Kevin Sullivan's current wife. (you know, trying to get some of the heat off him a bit?) - Stevie Ray had enough of this honky and walloped him. Booker tried to stop him, but Stevie wasn't listening...next thing we know, the crowd reacts.....someone was coming... - Oh dear Lord he's back...... - Steve "Mongo" McMichael hit the ring and helped settle things. Booker restrained his brother, Mongo helped Benoit...the fans were screaming, "WE WANT FLAIR, WE WANT FLAIR"...Tony and the boys ignored it... - With those nasty boys from Harlem..(oops...kinda goofed up there didn't I) gone, Benoit grabbed the mic and said: "I'm not here for NWO Red! I'm not here for NWO White! What I'm here for..." - then held up four fingers...that Flair chanted started again as Tony yanked us right into a set of... - commercials - Mean Gene brought out Diamond Dallas Page..as Page came to the ring..we saw the SIGN OF THE NIGHT!!!!!!!! - As CLEAR AS F'K'N DAY...WE SAW A SIGN READING "THE MOP-UP RULES"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS - NITRO WINS, NITRO WINS THE NIGHT...THIS IS HYATTE...GOODNIGHT - Oh Hell...okay, I'll keep going. But THANK YOU!!! - In the ring, Page accepted Savage's challenge in the cage...then went on to start up the storyline dealing with Karl Malone and Dennis Rodman...(oh Lord....is anybody else getting a severe case of the douchechills when you think of that match?) I mean, Page is cool and all, but can even HE keep a match with Malone, Rodman, and Hogan interesting? Are you reading this Page? REASSURE ME DAMN YOU!!!!! - Oh yes, Page also promised a WHOLE lot of banging...and he didn't mean Kimberly. - commercials - footage from last week when Hogan and Rodman attacked Page. - Tony addressed the "rumors" that Malone will be wrestlinbg for WCW...he even mentioned Bob Costas, (but didn't remark on the tone of Costas' remark..any press is good press in wrestling). Tony denied, denied, denied until his nose was poking the camera. - The Nitro Girls did something....Tony claimed that the Georgia Dome would be holding the SECOND BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! - Tony said that it was going to be the "second" BEST NITRO EVER (!!!!!!!) of course, because TONIGHT was unquestionably the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! - !!!!!!!!!!!!!.........but he really didn't have his heart in it. - okay, this is where things got a little hinky. In case you don't spend all your free time watching the Weather Channel (like I do) you may not be aware that my part of the country has been DRENCHED in rain for the last few days..well, coincidently...my cable box blanked out for about 10 minutes....(Coincidence? HA! If I was a betting man, I'd bet that SOMEONE wanted me to MISS those precious minutes!!! Could the "familia" have something to do with this? Could the dreaded Villano XXIV (The Meteorologist) be involved????) - So I get reception back in time to see Chono and Tenyru (I guess...don't know and don't care) fight High Voltage. I'll spare you the details, other than to say that the team NOT on steroids won the match. - From what I heard, I missed Roddy Piper announce that he'll be refereeing the cage match for later tonight. Feel free to insert Piper's "desperate attempt to get the crowd going with a lame New York reference" joke right ----->here and you can insert Piper's "way too hip reference from the '80s" joke right about--------------->here. - second hour erupted a good ten minutes too late...(because the action was JUST THAT GOOD!!!!!!) - Tony and the boys eat up time. - stills from the Goldberg/Sting match from the GAB - The Wolfpack came to the ring (am I the only one who keeps listening for the phrase "Two turntables and a microphone" when I hear their theme song?). Nash quickly brought out Sting... - .....who came out reasonably pleased with himself..(Guess he didn't read his reviews for that surefire cure for insomnia called "Real Reasons Men Do What They Do In Order To Get A Little Poontang"). - Lordy..it IS nice to see the old Sting again. Basically he begged us not to switch to RAW by promising to pick a co-holder for the tag belts later in the show....and that's about it. - commercials - stills from that whole Saturn/Canyon mess from the GAB. - Ohh lucky us, the "Innovator of Anti-heat" Kanyon, came to the ring to take on Sick Boy....the crowd was just as dead as Baltimore was...(Hello...Uncle Eric...because of you and your brilliant Mortis idea...NOBODY IS GOING TO LIKE THIS GUY!!!!!!). - Kanyon won....the crowd yawned....even Tony had to admit that there were only a few folks in the crowd who applauded his "innovative" style (call me crazy..but could Kanyon's gimmick have something to do with "innovation"? The announcers didn't hype it enough for me to decide) - Rick Rude and Curt Hennig came out and talked to the fans. Hennig is now the "Master of the Swerve" and nobody can trust him.....or something like that. - stills from last night dealing with Hennig, Konan, and Goldberg - commercials - JJ Dillon and Gene Okerlund discussed the Cruiserweight belt. Dillon said that since Malenko was DQ'ed for hitting the ref (I guess they woke up and realized that DQing him for using a chair would be more retarded than WCW is usually accustomed to), he was giving the title back to Jericho..on the condition that he defend the belt against Malenko within 30 days. - Jericho came out and took the belt and told "Jo Jo" Dillon that all the Jerichoholics were in their true glory! Then he bad mouthed Malenko's pappy......guess what happened... - ...go on...guess - oh screw it...even if you did guess, I COULDN'T HEAR OR SEE YOU ANYWAY YOU NITWITS!!!!!!!!!!! Malenko attacked Jericho and they went at it. Tony dropped a load in his bloomers when they came near the announcers table.... - they took it to the backstage, and right up to the parking garage...Jerichio finally broke free and ran up the ramp, flagging down a car for assistance....Malenko was about to give chase, but Doug Dillenger blocked him..and you don't mess with Dillenger.....you just don't........I'd say more, but I don't want to risk his attention........don't laugh, when the Millennium comes and the Dark Prince Dillenger assumes his rightful throne on the skulls of those who opposed his rise...then you'll see.....you'll see. - Chris Adams took on the Giant. The Giant was more interested in smoking his butt (do what you will with that comment) that fighting Adams. Adams wouldn't quit though, at one point yelling, "DON'T IGNORE ME!!! I USED TO BEAT UP THE VON ERICHS!!!!!"). Then the Giant turned his attention on Adams....and the rest was history. - commercials - Booby Heenan had joined the fun as they show.... - clips of Rodman and Hogan chairing DDP. - Out comes Hogan and Bischoff. Hogan plants the wet one on Bischoff's cheek and Bischoff grows about 2 inches forward...(Val Venis he AIN'T). On the way to the ring, Bischoff held up a huge sign that read, "MCMAHON BITE ME BISCHOFF RULZ"...he was understandably tickled - I'll spare you the details about the rest. - commercials - Those damn Nitro Girls do that damn thing the do every damn week...DAMN. - we reach hour numero tres.....Oh Praise Allah Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 2