Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Oh thank God it's almost over . . .6/15/98
- Sting comes out and hits the ring. After singing the praises of Savage, he picked his partner...
- and out came Kevin Nash...thus the answer was answered...we can all go on with life now.
- Nash hit the ring and did a quickie little survey (guess who won...that's right THE WWF!!!!!! THE CROWD SCREAMED IN UNISON THE WWF RULES, THE WWF RULES!!!!!!)
- oh, of course not....but you know who won.
- Then Nash discussed Curt Hennig. Figure it out.
- Then Harlem Heat made their RETURN IN THEIR HOME STATE!!!!! HARLEM WAS REPRESENTIN' IN DA HOOD AS THE HOMEBOYS CAME HOME TO TAKE CARE O' SOME BIZNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
- of course, they really come from Houston TX...BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THE HOMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Oh shazbot! They lost...and the match wasn't even all that good...New York is gettin'; all sorts of dissed tonight....where's my gat? I'm gonna cap someone up in this here mutha fu%$&#$.
- by the way, during the match we got us some...
- commercials
- then after the match, we got some more...
- commercials
- Tony and the boys eat up major time..
- then they replay the Scott Steiner on the set of Hogan's new TNT movie from last week...because it was JUST THAT DAMN GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!
- Eric Bischoff talked to Scott Steiner about his new stardom as an actor.....I'll spare you the details.
- commercials
- Michael Buffer asked us nicely to get ready to rumble...
- Piper hit the ring to ref
- Savage came out....
- commercials
- Page followed suit and walked across the top of the roof (Yes..they have a roof...YES, THEY HAVE A FRIGGIN' ROOF!!! MY GOD, THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
- eventually, things got going....It was INCREDIBLE!!!! IT WAS ASTOUNDING!!!! IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!
- I mean..the way they could go at it in a cage and HARDLY EVEN MAKE USE OF THE CAGE ITSELF!!!!
- I'm tellin ya'......they may have just lifted the cage...because there was NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL!!!! That's quite a feat...making a cage match where the cage was TOTALLY USELESS! The match kept on through some..
- commercials
- Then both Page and Savage whacked Piper for being such a lamo relic from the 80's...and for being such a shell of the great man he once was.
- This pissed off Piper enough for a totally self indulgent segment where Piper beat BOTH of them up a little.
- By the way, I loved the fact that each cage wll seemed to have a solid foot of space between them....damn, if just one of those walls went down on the crowd, it would have been the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!
- but alas....t'was not to be..
- what WAS to be was that the NWO White showed up as soon as the cage mysteriously raised up...then dropped when they came into the ring.......wait just a Goddam second....
- HOLY CROW!! I JUST REALIZED!!!! IT'S DX!!! DX IS ATTACKING NWO RED!!!!!! DX HAS TAKEN THE WCW ASSAULT TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!!!!
- Oh, wait a second...it was the remote again..sorry..
- Anyway, the WolfPack came out and tried to get in...Bischoff was in the ring and looking like the biggest dork in the world (which he is)
- KANE ARRIVED, KANE ARRIVED!!! HE'S CLIMBING THE CAGE AND IS TRYING TO GET IN!!!!!
- oh...the remote again..sorry
- Geeze...Kane lost weight?
- oops..it's Sting....I'm gonna yank out the batteries on this thing.
It ended with Nash getting a hold of the remote control and lifting the cage away. The show ended on that note too.
On one hand, we had a cage match on Nitro. Not the best cage match, (Savage isn't as good as everyone thinks..his moves are more predictable than Bret Hart's) but a cage match none the less. Raw PROMISED us a cage match, but failed..instead we got a pretty good brawl which was better than the Nitro cage match in the first place. I'm giving the night to Nitro. Why? Easy....
"THE MOP-UP RULES"
That's why...closer time, then leave me.
All right, as promised, it's time to bring back a popular feature here in Hyatteland. The all important, always entertaining, never sexist BEST ACTRESS LIST!! Except, we are doing things a bit differently this time around.....but first:
If you don't recognize these names...then you will NOT be interested in this..go outside and enjoy the day, or get back to work...if you stick around, you may get bored.
Okay, well anywhoo...instead of coming up with a personal favorite list, I decided look through my scene collection (I don't tape full movies..I tape scenes that....um....."boil my potatos"...IF you know what I mean.) and see who makes the most appearances. Although I'll rent a movie on who's starring in it, I usually can get into a few scenes with supporting characters, so I tape those as well. Some girls will have a * next to their names...that means that they are familiar with what I will colorfully refer to as the "Holy Land"...and leave it at that. You all got it? Good, because like the clothes of all of these girls in the list, we are OFF:
THE MOP-UP BEST ACTRESS LIST
#1 I have no clue (35 scenes). Oddly enough, many scenes I have include girls who I either A: Know their face, but not their name, or B: Never saw them before. A few of them are from some amateur films that I've picked up along the way. Still, they brought something to the party, because they made it into my library.
#2 & 3 TIE Jenna Jameson and Kaitlen Ashley* (21 scenes each) Jenna is the resident Goddess of her genre, and the biggest crossover star since Marylin Chambers or Traci Lords. She's been on ECW and made an appearance on RAW with Val Venis once...and oh yes, she knows what's she's doing. Kaitlen Ashley is a dirty little sl&%. She's way ragged out and has been to places that your girlfriends or wives have never dared dream.....you are almost afraid of her in that respect, which makes her damn near irresistible.
#4 Chasey Lane (19 scenes) Chasey is quite simply, the most beautiful woman in her business. Chasey is also quite simply, not putting out enough new product. From what I understand, Chasey is also, quite simply, completely taken with herself. Still, she is a Goddess.
#5 Jill Kelly* (18 scenes) Jill Kelly, sometimes looks like the most beautiful blonde in the biz. Sometimes she looks rather average, but she makes a LOT of flicks, so she shows up a lot.
#6 Asia Carrera* (14 scenes). This Hawaiian meat eater is also mighty prolific, sadly though, she's also mighty ugly without a few rounds on the makeup table. But she has long, black hair...which is always enough to "bounce my checks".
#7 Sindee Coxx (8 scenes). I recently started to get into this chick who can be awfully sweet and awfully nasty at the same time. Right now, she's my personal favorite.
#8 Missy* (7 scenes). Bar none, this girls LOOOOOOOVES here work....she NEVER looks like she's "acting"
#9 & 10 TIE Sahara Sands* and Sid Deuce (6 scenes) Sahara Sands has a big nose, but she's still really cute. Sid Deuce is the type of girl who does scenes with other girls, so she showed up here almost by default.
#11 & 12 TIE Selena and Kristy Waay* (5 scenes). Kristy Waay looks like just about every girl you went to school with...ie: she's average...but that makes her all that more capable of "steaming my vegetables". Selena is the first girl with (relatively) short hair to be able to make me "lose my religion". Kristy hasn't been working that much as of late though.
#13: Pamela Lee (four scenes). Perhaps you heard of her recent video exploits? Never before had the words, "baby" and "lover" been uttered so many times in just under 45 minutes.
#14-17: BIG TIE Heather Hunter, Anne Malle, Janine, Melissa Hill (3 scenes). Heather is a beautiful black beauty who doesn't make all that many films, Anne Malle does this cross eyed thing with her eyes towards the end of her scenes, Janine is a legend, but I am not extremely impressed, especially since I heard that she's getting married to former VJ, L.A Radio personality Rikki Rachtman. Melissa Hill is another chick who just tends to show up.
#18: TIE Jeanna Fine and Tiffany Minx (2 scenes). Jeanna's kind of old, Tiffany's kind of average
#20: TIE Toni James, Kylie Ireland, and Serenity (1 scene). Neither girls really "empties my trash", but they showed up none the less.
Well, that oughtta be enough to wet yer willies. Go to the video store and say, "I WANT SOME OF HYATTE'S WOMEN" and see how far that'll get'cha. Right now it's pitifully later and I'm incredibly tired, so I'll be packing it in. Next week a VERY SPECIAL Closer....guaranteed to please me...and maybe you if you feel up to it. Oh yeah, and next week I'll see about presenting the full lineup of the RAT PACK!!!!! I'm sure you're bitin' those nails already. For this week though, I leave you with a word of advice...People who refer to themselves in the third person usually live a life of misery, pettiness, and depression..so be wary of them. I'm so out of here it's not even funny, which is par for the course for this column.
Chris Hyatte
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