Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the RAW recap first...6/17/99 Mop-Up Nitro I didn't see the GAB show...but from what I read.....we had Horace Vs Miller, Whipwreck Vs Hammer, Buff Vs Disco, F-ing Kanyon, screwjobs galore, another 2 second Benoit title reign, the return of Sid, and of course...Master P. But...Piper turned Heel.....which means that maybe WCW sort of listens to me after all (remember when I suggested that a few weeks ago). In other words....I didn't miss much of anything now did I? Story of WCW's life...horrible Nitros...but even worse Pay Per Views. Someone wrote to me with a great point...Bischoff spends all this money on stunt casting...Rodman....Master P....various celebrities and athletes..none of whom make any sort of impact with the crowds other than the immediate shock value of first seeing them....yet guys like Jericho and yes...Goldberg...true talents who can both work AND be interesting on the mic...(Jericho more than Goldberg...but even though I hate the guy..he is a Pop machine)...are being jerked around for wanting a few extra shekels while Master P gets however much he's getting and Rodman gets a million easy. Why not spend the money on...on...oh F-It...let Bischoff act the way he's acting...F-Him...he's never really done anything for us....so screw it. Let him keep F-ing around....maybe one day, Nitro will draw a 1.6 in the third hour to RAW's 8.9...then we'll see the fit hit the shan..by God. NITRO (or: Bye Bye "Sablesuit"....seeYAAA) -WCW Logo...it's like one of those computerized 3d paintings....you have to look REEAL hard and kind of glaze your eyes over before you can actually make out the letters W, C & W (I never got the hang of that trick by the way...I doubt a lot of people did..that's why it died out so quickly.) -Wait a second....I'm relaxing my eyes right now...I can....almost.....I SEE IT!!! I SEE IT!!!!!!! -Oh my GOD!!! It doesn't say W,C, &W...it says "WE RIGGED OWEN'S HARNESS TO FRAME VINCE"!!!!!!! DEAR LORD!!!! CALL THE KANSAS CITY POLICED!!!!! IT'S A SET UP!!!!!!!!! -Tony Schiavone assures us that WCW is "on the air"...and to prove the point... -We see the "beautiful Nitro Girls"...rumor has it that the black Nitro girl and the Oriental one are already carrying Master P's babies....(The Brother macks out FAAAST) -Tony assures us again that Nitro was "on the air" for a mind numbing 3 hours....Tony also assures us that Nitro has never been hotter....and that the ratings are meaningless unless they are dominating them. -Tony is dressed like Tony...Heenan is dressed like.....Jeezus...Bobby's dressed like a little Sailor Boy.....one of those Boy Servants to honor every whim of the Captain's needs -Funny, I never even suspected that Bobby had a penchant for Seme...*cough*....Seamen. -Maybe he's just paying homage to Rod Stewart? -Tony talks about the Bash.....then he called Master P "one of the greatest entertainers in the World".....(HA!! That's what they used to call M.C Hammer) -Pictures of the GAB.....dealing with the return of Sid Vicious...curiously...they never showed the pictures of Arn Anderson rounding up all the sharp objects within a one mile radius) -Backstage, Savage, the chicks, and (Call him everything but the actual word) "Psycho" Sid Vicious getting out of a white limo...by 10:00, it'll be a black limo. -opening theme -Whatshisname demands that the Washington DC crowd make some noise...the best they can muster is a weak "IMPEACH CLINTON". -DJ (If I really spin out the jams..maybe Brother P will hook me up with a record contract) Ran asked where the rowdiest area in da' house was.....my guess would be in the bar...where Senator Ted Kennedy is trying to get the barkeep to serve his three 14 year old "Nieces" some Chivas. -You know...I don't know what it is..but just when I'm thinking that I'll be doing a horrible column...along comes Nitro which just FLOODS me with useful material...GOD BLESS THE INEPTNESS OF ERIC BISCHOFF!!!!!! -More pix from GAB.....mostly on the failed basketball player by the name of Master P -Brian Adams and Vincent comes out as Tony insists that we buy the PPV replay because our miniature minds are not built to process all the data that they gave us this past Sunday -Curt Hennig came out with Bobby dunCUM Jr and Barry Windham....now Hennig has a Country music theme song....so he's a LOT of country and practically NO rock and roll. -He's from Minnesota you know.....about as known for Country music as Compton is. -It's Windham and Hennig Vs Vincent and Adams... -You know...I've said this a few times already (but since when has that stopped me eh?)...but I'm just amazed at how Vincent has been able to retain a career in one of the Big Two for so long even though he A: Has no noticeable charisma to speak of, B: Has no noticeable talent to speak of, C: has no noticeable mic skills to speak of, D: Has never appeared to even TRY to develop ANY of those skills, or E: Doesn't appear to care either. -I hear he gets paid in foodstamps. -Windham is a pro....his time passed years ago...but he can work...so can Hennig....Adams is hopeless, but at least he tries......but Vincent....he doesn't give a F&^%. -The match went long enough to convince viewers to dive for the remote control at 9:00...if that's what they were aiming for....then By God they pulled it off -The team without the black fellow won....I'm sure Master P will put a stop to that kind of bookmaking once he flexes his muscles and pulls out his gat. -commercials -Heenan and Tony discuss how hot and heavy the DC crowd can get...what are THEY smoking? -Footage from "earlier today" where Mean Gene calls Master P the "Eleventh Grossest performer in the WORLD....*coughin1998cough*". -Don't get too excited...I was the 17th grossest entertainer in 1998....I would have been 16th...but then Alanis made that video with her big chooch (now I know why her bum is so wide...it's proportionate) -You have not lived until you hear Gene Okerlund say, "...and the creator/performer of sus...such hits as......."I miss my Homies'" -And Bischoff was right there seated next to Gene with a look of hope mixed in with desperation..... -WCW Logic: Example #4122....in this atmosphere....under these circumstance...why in the HELL do they use Mean Gene when they still have RIKKI RACHTMAN on the payroll???? I mean, Rachtman has as much business in wrestling as my pet Chihuahua but this....this is something that he can at least RELATE to.....I can't believe that Bischoff is this OBLIVIOUS. -And so...Master P comes out with "Swoll"....he accomplished two things... -A: He effectively obliterated his all important street credibility with the Black community -B: He effectively alienated WCW's White Southern audience...(IE: Their bread and butter) -Pee called it rasslin'....oy vey -Listen to Bischoff try relate to the Rap Community while his hair is grayer than Ben Franklin and his skin is whiter than Casper the Friendly Ghost -they cut off Pee's speech mid "yo"......smartest move they ever done -Can you say "trainwreck"? -commercials -Randy Savage comes out with his girly girls...which really is a Hell of a smart move from WCW...giving Savage a "posse" of gelpacks to run with guaranteed fan interest. -Savage is on the mic....he talks a little....claiming to be the uncrowned World champ. -Then he showed how he pinned Kevin Nash by using George as an example....amazingly enough, as he lied down on top of her...three of Savage's fingers disappeared....I wonder if that femmy little masked magician Valentino could expose that trick? -He talked a lot really....he made his point somewhere between the 66th and the 69th "Oh yeah" -commercials -There are those Nitro Girls....2 more were knocked up by Master P during the commercial break. -Pix of Sting and Rick Steiner....Ricky actually looks like he's selling the moves when you see it in still photos. -Hugh Morris came out with Jimmy Hart.....gee..do you think if we pray REALLY HARD that Jimmy Hart will end up knocked on his ass? Cross your fingers!!! -Kidman came out..who's kick as theme song is getting a serious challenge from the new HHH theme as the Best Entrance Music in Wrestling! -Hart got knocked out...YAYYY!!!!! THANK GOODNESS!!!!! THAT NO GOOD JERK NEVER GETS WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!! -But that stunt helped Morris...who dropped Kidman on a steel chair... -Kidman still won with a Shooting Star Press...the good guys win..the bad guys lose....and millions count the seconds to RAW. -commercials -DJ Ran sends this one out to the Homies...unfortunately, most of the Homies are in jail right now.....and the Latin Kings have control of the TV....(VIVA LA TELEMUNDO!!!!) -Mean Gene brings out Ric Flair...has the second hour arrived ALREADY? -Flair comes out with Arn Anderson...who is wearing a bulletproof Kevlar vest....between Sid and Pee...AA ain't taking NO chances! -Remember last week when I said that Arn has been able to retain his dignity in the Bischoff era?? Well guess what....NOT ANYMORE!!!!! WELCOME HOME SID!!! -Flair threatened a little kid that he would "take his Mother home and make a woman out of her"...(insert Sean Shannon's Mother joke here) which cracked me up to no end. -"I'm talking to you kid, I'll make your mother go "WHOO WHOO WHOO'"...which tickled Schiavone's funny bone. -Flair promised to make a little trouble tonight...starting with an offer to (now his best friend) Roddy Piper to accept a position as "Vice President of the World" (I doubt Piper can accept..isn't he too busy with his duties as Father Time?) -Piper came out with a crew of bagpipers...in all good fairness..since he IS a Heel again...I'll give him a fresh chance to win me over as a fan...I owe it to him for those years of great "Piper's Pit" segments.. -But...I SWEAR TO GOD.....ONE HILLARY CLINTON JOKE AND I WILL PRAY THAT HE GETS COLON CANCER -Here comes Mr. One Liner... -"Washington DC, I haven't heard so much wind pass since Bam Bam Bigelow ate a Burrito at Taco Bell"...(Rim Shot...Ba-dum DUM) -Then FLAIR came out with a Hillary joke...since it's not technically Piper who said it..he still gets to live. -"I tell ya...we're here in Washington DC...where DC stands for "Don't Confess'" (Ba dum DUM....but seriously folks...take my Geritol..please...I made love with my wife last night, I asked "How was it?'...she asked, "WHAT was it?') -ummm...this exchange left me....depressed.....discouraged.....mindful of the bloodless bitch known as mortality.....to wit.. -Piper: "Just one question..just one. You know, I'm the Vice-president and your the President and ahh...I know you don't smoke but ahh...if you got hit by a Tobacco truck would I become President?" -Flair: "At my age, I might fall over right now ya never know!! Yes" -Both men cackle...not laugh...CACKLE -Flair: "ANDIFIDOOOO YOUCANHAVETHEJOBIT'SYOURS!!!" -Piper: "ALL RIIGHT" -Both men cackle...not laugh...CACKLE -Flair: "YAKNOW WHY?? CAUSEYERTHEHOTROOOOD!!! YERTHEHOOOTROOOOD!!" -Both men cackle...not laugh...CACKLE -Suddenly, DeForest Kelley is more youthful than these too. -Meanwhile..Arn looked like he was ready to hand Sid an axe, then tell him that he just banged his Momma in a very rude spot. -Dean Malenko stormed to the ring....now HE looks like a teenager. -Malenko hits the ring and says that if some guy just woke up from a 15 year coma..and turned onto to Monday Nitro....and saw those two...his first thought would be that the time never elapsed. -Uhh...okay.....but I doubt it....instead, he might have said... -"What kind of truck was it that hit Piper in the face?" -"Why are Flair's boobies hitting the ground?" -"What the Hell is wrestling doing on Monday Night television?" -"Where is Vince?" -"Why am I so horny?" -"Whatever happened to Duran Duran?" - "Is RAW on yet?" - "Who booked this crap?" - "What the F&^% is a Master P?" - "Bischoff sucks." -Malenko lectured Flair and Piper about stepping down and letting the Youngsters have a shot at getting destroyed in the ratings.....(hmm..where have I heard this before?) -Flair refused to pass the Torch -Malenko said that they were "taking the Torch" -Flair advised him to back off... -Malenko asked Arn Anderson to pick a side -AA told Malenko that you don't "bum rush greatness"....and you don't piss on those who paved the way.....and you are either "a Horsemen or a causality"...and he's staying where he has stayed for the past 10 years....staring at Flair's Colon from the inside. -Then Piper jumped in and told Malenko to move on...Malenko protested....Piper attacked....everyone attacked -Buff Bagwell ran in.....he took a beating. -Backstage, Kanyon (oy), Bigelow, and Page ambushed Saturn and Benoit..so they couldn't do much. -Hmmm....where have I seen this before.....let's see... -Piper and Flair in an "age angle" -Young Lions out for a piece of the carcass that is Pro wrestling -Young Lions looking for a chance to ":pave the road" -Flair and Piper inviting the ids to get in the ring and "pave the road" -My...GOD....IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING AS TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!!!! NASH, HALL, AND SYXX VS FLAIR, PIPER....AND KEVIN (what's wrong with that picture) GREENE????? ONLY NOW THE OLD FARTS ARE THE HEELS AND THE YOUNG STUDS ARE THE FACES!!!!!! -MY GOD!!!!!! THE RIP OFF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -WCW Hotline has Mike Tenay's WCW wrapup Hotline....for $20 you can hear all about the crap you refuse to watch for (sort of) free!! -oh Shit....Eric's there....and there goes Nitro's quarterlies. -Video thing with Miller and Scott Norton -Ernest "The Cat" Miller comes out....Bischoff announces that the NEW ERA OF WCW BEGAN LAST NIGHT!!!! CHANGES WILL ABOUND!!!!" -Bischoff pretty much killed the Flair as Prez angle by affirming that HE is in charge. -"The FUTURE does NOT lie with Piper and Flair!!! It lies with HOGAN!!! SAVAGE!!! RODMAN!!!! MASTER PEE!!!!!" -Now we count the seconds before Bischoff takes a shot at Vince.... -Miller has the mic...Bischoff claims to "like this guy".....because his kid gets free karate lessons and his Gi uniform for half price. -Miller calls out Scott Norton.....threatening to "whup everyone in this bitch". Bitch was edited.....Savage was allowed to say it...but Savage is white and this is WCW. -Norton charged in and attacked Miller....Bischoff called Norton a "talented monster in the best shape of his life"....this from the same guy who called him a "chump" last week. -Norton's tongue went for the Sidewalk Slam....Miller kicked the tongue's knees out. -Bischoff poked fun at Jim Ross's penchant for calling everything a "savate kick".....I'd bitch about it...but you know what....even Al Isaacs, who rarely comments on stuff like that.....said that maybe Eric should work on his own skills before knocking the current Master...there really is a reason why people tend to stay on RAW...don't doubt for a SECOND that the Announcer's influence the choice. -People ENJOY Ross and Lawler's chemistry.......Bischoff's too much in love with his own voice and Tony's too humorless to have any chemistry...and poor Heenan just wants to go home. -Besides...if some is ragged on...yet there is no one around to hear it...is it really insulting? -Miller pinned Norton after a side kick.....Bischoff's kid suddenly graduated to 3rd degree Brown Belt -Bischoff seems to think that Miller's dancing will entice people to stick around through these... -commercials -It's the Nitro Girls....Pee didn't knock anyone else up since we last saw them...but I heard Swoll fingered A.C Jazz. -Bischoff announced that they'll be doing a "worldwide Nitro Girl search".....and acted as if he had nothing to do with it. -Disco Inferno came to the ring.....Bischoff practically begged the New Orleans people to get those Superdome tickets for NEXT WEEK'S NITRO!!!!!!!!!!!! -A year ago...that show would have been sold out TWO HOURS AFTER TICKETS WENT ON SALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW BISCHOFF'S REDUCED TO SHILLING FOR THEM 7 DAYS BEFORE SHOWTIME!!!!!!! -Oh man..how cool would it be if the Dome was half empty? -And you HAVE to wonder how the WWF will do with the Georgia Dome on October 11.....oh man..you think the Atlanta crowd is ready for a little Stone Cold? -Let's put it this way...the Georgia Dome is as important to WCW as Madison Square Garden is to the WWF.....NOW do you get the picture? -DINF is in the ring....he's dancing....and dancing....and dancing some more. -Bischoff, "Shut up and call the match!" (he said it in a good natured way) -Tony, "Well, I've heard THAT a lot!" (sarcastically...I think....either way, it was a nice little inside shot) -Van Hammer comes out......I refuse to deal with this....I refuse to watch this...I refuse to listen to Bischoff try to put him over. -The match was excruciatingly long..even in fast forward -Bischoff boasted about Dennis Rodman's cover story in the latest Vogue magazine....I think Bischoff thinks he made Rodman famous? -I think Bischoff thinks Rodman is still relevant? -commercials -Still shots of that tag match from Sunday. -Fit Finlay came to the ring..... -Brian Knobbs came out with Jimmy Hart...gee..do you think if we pray REALLY HARD that Jimmy Hart will end up knocked on his ass? Cross your fingers!!! -Okay....I'll put this to a vote.....if you want me to cover this match because you are a die hard fan of Fit Finlay...give me a BLOODY "ELL!!!!!!!!!! -..................................................... -............................................................ -..................................................... -sorry, I couldn't hear anything. -Okay...same thing..only because you are a die hard Knobbs fan, give me a NASTY FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! -.......................................................... -........................................................ -.................................. -nope...nothing....oh well...I guess I can blow this off. -Meanwhile....Bischoff said that Hogan was closer to coming back than even the MOST optimistic would dream......Bischoff seems to think that Hogan will turn it all around for them. -Finlay won because Hak interfered. Hart wasn't touched...that dirty bastard weaseled away once again to cause his unique brand of trouble. -commercials -Okay...here it is....the big thing that had everyone screaming.... -For the purposes of familiarity, we'll call her Sable. The camera finds Sable..who suddenly found a seat in the font row....dead center. Bischoff kept the snide comments to an all time...lawsuit avoiding low.....he dropped no names..mentioned Playboy..but sort of implied that she had a purpose for being there. (His exact words were, "Now what could SHE be doing there?") -Camera studies her face as she smiles INTO the cameras...BOOM..right there..she performed for the camera....looking directly into the camera like a pro and slyly grinning...she became a performer on Nitro. -Nash comes out...Bischoff is busting his arm patting himself on the back.....Tony is also enjoying the moment...Heenan appears to want no part of this....because he's smarter than all three of them combined. -Nash looks directly at Sable for a moment...Sable looks back...BOOM...now they shared a "scene" together....remember..this is THEATER.....Nash is A PERFORMER....Sable is a PERFORMER...they shared a brief, unspoken PERFORMANCE by staring at each other. -Okay...Nash is hopping mad....Bischoff meanwhile, says, "Hey Tony, it's ON! Do you know what ON means?" -Tony, "Well, yes, I think so!" -Bischoff, "Well then it's ON" -BOOM...Bischoff just implicated Sable in whatever he was talking about....STRONGLY insinuating that she is involved in whatever this ON is. -Nash starts to talk.....the crowd starts to chant "SABLE, SABLE"....the WCW control tries to mute it out....smartest thing they ever done. -Sable is seated with TWO WCW security guards....BOOM....WCW just showed that Sable was PLANTED IN THAT SPOT IN ORDER TO GET HER INVOLVED WITH THE PERFORMANCE!!!! -Nash calls out Sid....camera shoots Sable in close up AGAIN....BOOM....now Sable is implicated into the WCW angle...again, she has become part of the performance. -Sid comes on screen and says that he's be happy to jam with Nash tonight. -Nash leaves....ANOTHER shot of Sable....BOOM...now she was part of the beginning, middle and end of the performance....3 close up shots would implicate ANYONE in this. -Ladies and Gentlemen...you are looking at a girl who just pissed away any lawsuit she might have had against her CURRENT company by appearing as a PERFORMER for the competition WHILE SHE IS STILL LEGALLY BIND TO HER CURRENT COMPANY!!. -But...as Al and Dave Scherer pointed out..she bought and paid for a ticket.....yes..but she CALLED WCW..TOLD THEM THAT SHE WANTED TO STICK IT TO VINCE....THEN WCW ARRANGED IT SO SHE WOULD APPEAR ON CAMERA AND SHARE A PERFORMANCE WITH KEVIN NASH WHILE THE PRESIDENT OF WCW STRONGLY HINTED THAT SHE IS THERE FOR REASONS HAVING TO DO WITH A WORKED, SCRIPTED PERFORMANCE ANGLE!!!! -Sable was put there to help spark fan interest away from her current, legal employer to the competition in a deliberate act of malice. No more, no less. -Look at it this way.....what if Kevin Eubanks from the Tonight Show appeared on the David Letterman show in the audience..laughing at Dave's jokes? Do you think that would sit well with NBC? Do you think they would have a case? -BREACH OF CONTRACT!!!!!! -Well...it's official.....Rena Mero is the dumbest broad on the planet.....and Bischoff ain't that much brighter. -Morons. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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