Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Let's bring it on home...6/17/99
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-still shots from GAB....Flair and Piper
-DJ Ran asked if "DC was rocking?".....Bischoff swears on a stack of Bibles that he could hear folks from the White House scream "HELL YEAH"
-Flair came out with Piper.....Page...Kanyon...and Bigelow. Suddenly, Page looks like a spring chicken.
-Bagwell, Malenko, Benoit, and Saturn came out....suddenly, Page looks older than dirt again.
-Bischoff brags that he's been in the bizness since 1987.....and how he personally booked the AWA to bankruptcy.
-Sable was still there....sticking out like a sore thumb....one wrong move and she'll be a FEATURED PLAYER IN TWO PERFORMANCES!
-This was a wild 8 man match in the beginning....Old vs New has a lot of potential.
-Let's see....Flair is cool, Page is all right, Piper is a disgrace, Kanyon can die, Benoit is a tragic story, Buff is okay, Malenko is cool, Saturn is a possible homo.....
-I guess I have to go with the Youth here.
-commercials
-They're still going at it...Benoit is in the ring reminding Flair what he used to be like 10 years ago. Bischoff lied to our faces and said that he was a "fan of Chris Benoit's"
-The Kids had the Farts all in Figure fours....Bigelow broke it up
-Benoit was in the ring like...forever
-Bagwell was in.....all 8 were in...
-Bischoff announces that Page is busted open....yet we had to take his word for it....
-Bagwell ended up pinning Flair after the Blockbuster.....Flair jobs...again....THEY HAD KANYON THERE...ALL SET TO LAY DOWN WITH A NICE SMILE ON HIS FACE ADN WHAT DO THEY DO??? F-FLAIR RIGHT IN THE BUTTHOLE!!!!!!
-F-ing Bischoff.
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls suddenly prove to be smarter than Sable...they never appeared on RAW....compared to Sable, they are now rocket scientists.
-another shot of Sable...she doesn't look into the camera...since at the time, Bischoff and Tony were discussing bringing in new Nitro Girls..a shrewd lawyer could make a case that they were alluding to Sable being a FEATURED NITRO GIRL...but that would be flimsy.
-commercials...which means that they USED SABLE'S FACE AS A SORT OF TEASE TO STAY TUNED TO NITRO!!!!!! BOOM.....using a contracted employee of another company as a means to stay on their show is another BLANTANT DISREGARD OF HER CONTRACT!!!!!!!
-Plus, now Bischoff is F-ing himself over too....he has his company open for a lawsuit BIG TIME.
-How did he get this far in life? He is an IDIOT!!!!
-Like I said...commercials
-Hak came out with Chastity....
-Rick Steiner came out
-Steiner immediately attacks Hak
-Steiner immediately brings the fight out into the backstage
-They start fighting on top of a pick up truck.....
-Hak starts kicking pieces of a Harley D off to hit Steiner with.....Bischoff acts like he is the president of the Hell's Angels
-Sting showed up and dragged Steiner to the ring...well...almost....he left him on the ramp.
-Sting hit the ring with a microphone...and a TRENCHCOAT!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!!! STING IS SUPPORTING THE ACTIONS OF THE TRENCHCOAT MAFIA!!!!!!! THAT...THAT...THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD!!!!!!!!!
-Sting had a riddle...What's black and brown and looks good on the Stinger?
-Umm.....Master Pee's excrement? Ernest Miller's? DJ Ran's?
-No...a Doberman Pincher...oh
-Then he went back to work on Steiner some more.....he nailed him pretty good.
-Bischoff makes every single moment of this show painful.
-Sting picks up Steiner and carries him away...Tony has enough time to SHRIEK "WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT ON MONDAY NITRO????"
-commercials
-Sign that says "We Love You Owen".....now they are using his death as a way to get Bischoff over.....nice.
-I've had my fill of DJ Ran..do if you don't mind...
-Konnan and Rey Mysterio took on two Luchadors....with Master Pee and his posse in the ring for support.
-I just want to go home....
-wait...I am home....I just want to go to bed.
-Bischoff calls this, "HIP HOP MEETS KICK BUTT"...and describes it as "a whole new dimension in sports entertainment!!!"
-Ho Hum......remember when Cyndie Lauper made a song about female masturbation called "She-Bop"?
-Konnan and Rey won....I have a full year to talk about Master Pee.
-No Limits.....there is no Limit to this show either...apparently...it stretches to eternally.
-Tony and Bischoff spend this whole match explaining how and why Master P is going to turn it all around for Nitro.
-Then Bischoff said that Nitro is responsible for ending World Hunger!?!?!?!?
-Then Bischoff said that Nitro freed the slaves?!?!?!!?!?
-Then Bischoff said that Nitro helped separate the colonies from England!!!!!!
-Then Bischoff said that Nitro cloned that sheep!!!!!
-Then Bischoff said that Nitro INVENTED THE INTERNET!?!?!?!
-Then Bischoff said that Master P wasn't just some "celebrity there to collect a check"
-Then Bischoff hyped Rodman's Vogue article again
-Konnan and Rey won....Hennig and dunCUM hijacked DJ Ran's table and played their Country music song.....
-Pee and Swoll ran to the booth...Hennig and dunCUM bailed....Pee grabbed the mic and screamed, "HEY COWBOY!!! YOU STILL WAN P? YOU STILL WAN P? WELL WE GONNA GET ROWYDYROORYABLAHBEEBALABBEBRAG!!!"
-It got worse...."WHOOOAAAOOAOAHOODYHOODYHOOHOOHOO"
-What language was he speaking?
-Pee performed a mini concert.....thousands of red necks shot out their TV screens.
-Bischoff made an allegation that the WWF offered Master P "3 times the money" to join them....and bragged that P turned them down. Bischoff damn sure acts like he is in first place doesn't he?
-commercials
-Michael Buffer has freshly died his hair a youth full poop color
-Michael Buffer is back in WCW...ahh..so HE was the missing ingredient.
-Bischoff gets worse and worse every week...it's incredible...
-My God...I MISS TONY!!!!!! I MISS TONY SAYING THAT THIS IS THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-TONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME BACK PLEASE...RE-ASSUME THE HEAD ANNOUNCING SLOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIL NEVER PUT A BOUNTY ON YOUR BAT'S HEAD AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Nash came out...looking like he raided Van Hammer's old 60's gimmick closet.
-Sable is no longer in the front row....BOOM...HER ROLE AS A PERFORMER HAVING ENDED, SABLE NOW CAN GO OFF CAMERA!!!!!
-cut and dried....I don't give a F&%$ WHO says different...she violated her contract with EXTREME prejudice.....she is FU*&ED.
-Bischoff claimed that "nobody gave the book to Nash...he took it"
-Randy Savage came out with his titty brigade...he demanded that Nash hand over the title.
-Nash told him to go hump his ex-wife
-Nash attacks....
-George distracts....
-to Nash's balls Savage hacks.....
-Ms Madness tries a Missile dropkack
-It is Savage though, that she impacts.
-Sid runs in with little flack
-Upon Nash, both Sid and Savage begin to shellack
-Sting runs in, still in black
-Sid eats a baseball bat...he feels it's whack
-Everyone evil runs away on track
-I'd love to stick something up George's crack
-The show end...I can almost hit the sack.
-Oh...I'll give the night to Nitro....based only on the fact that we saw Sable make the biggest blunder in her life on live TV...leave me alone...It's been a long night.
Here...it has to be a quick closer this week....I am horribly late....and dreadfully tired...no excuses..I simply F-ed up HUGE and wasted too much time before writing this column....BUT...I made it for the week....and even if this doesn't make it online until Thursday...at least I made it..huh? HUH?
Besides...for the last few weeks, writing this column was a breeze....everything was fitting nicely...I was really cruising. This week...it was an off week....very tough to come up with anything...very tough. hey, when you bang out 50 page opuses every week...your bound to hit a clunker or two.
I'll stand by my record.....I've put out more good columns then bad....and if you claim to not even crack a SMILE while reading this thing...I will call you a LIAR. Like me or hate me....I am good for a few laughs.
Which is why I should walk home with that SCT award....no matter what anyone says to disagree.
Anyway...quick closer....how about some SIGN IDEAS!!!!!!!
Here are some SIGNS that you can take with you to either show....
PILEDRIVE AUSTIN
MASTER PEE...I AM MASTER SHIT
WHEN WILL STING FLY AGAIN?
PAY GOLDBERG
HOW MANY MORE GIMMICKS WILL HAMMER GET?
I WAS IN A COMA FOR 2 MONTHS..WHERE'S OWEN?
IT'S ALL A WORK
ED FERRERA IS GOD
HIRE HYATTE
WHERE ARE MY SHOES?
I BID $2 FOR CHYNA'S IMPLANTS
WHY DOES PATTERSON ONLY HAVE GODCHILDREN?
HIRE DEAN DOUGLAS
HALL'S DRUNK AGAIN
DID THE UNDERTAKER KILL CHRIST?
WHERE'S MARK CALLOWAY?
BRING BACK MARC MERO
VOTE FOR BACKLUND
HYATTE RULES THE NET
I AM A FAKE AMERICAN
HEY ROAD DOG, WANT SOME WEED?
WILL RAP SAVE WRESTLING?
WILL WRESTLING SAVE RAP?
WHEN WILL MASTER P START SHOOTING UP DIS BIIIATCH?
WHERE'S LAUPER?
CHAT THIS 2 SUCKED
WHO'S GAY IN WRESTLING?
I CRAPPED IN SABLE'S GYM BAG
I WANT TO GO HOME
MASTER P? I THOUGHT IT WAS MR. T! AW SHIT
CAN ARN FEEL IT IF SID STABS HIM AGAIN?
NASH, BOOK YOUR ASS BACK HOME TO TITAN!
ERIC, VINCE SAYS THANKS FOR MAKING IT SO EASY
And there you go. I'm out...next week...my review of Chat This 2....a possible announcement..and a possible SECOND ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION....if I'm feeling up to it.
If not...I'll just take an old recap..switch the names around...and throw it in..you'll never tell the difference.
I'm sorry I was late.
Nobody sucks....except for Bischoff.
This is Hyatte
Chris Hyatte
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