Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

This is not going to end well...6/17/99 Mop-Up RAW "Timing and patience. You have to be unique in your style and offer something we don't already have. Be informative and entertaining. "This guy sucks" doesn't cut it anymore. And don't try to be the next Hyatte!" (Al Isaacs al@scoopscentral.com : Advising up and coming pre-pubes as to how to get a gig at SCOOPS....oddly enough I don't even FIT into this criteria) Hey. I'm Chris and this is the big dance. Grab your partners and skip to the loo...my darling...we got things to cover in 4, easy to skip over, opening notes. Get your Mouse arrows over to the scroll button and get reading. First of all....and speaking of new writers... HE IS COMING....AND SCOOPS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!! Unfortunately, that didn't work out as I hoped. You see, I was really working on recruiting someone to the site..and I ALMOST snagged him..but finally, other responsibilities prevented him from joining the team..so we lost him. It's too bad...because I think God could have REALLY made a splash here at SCOOPS. That's right...God himself..the Almighty....the Creator....the guy who told Noah to build a boat. I ALMOST got him. Oddly enough...God thinks Bischoff sucks too....he was going to dedicate his first column to how much he hates Bischoff.....alas...t'was not to be. So then I tried to recruit David Mack....but he was too busy writing for another site.....I was 0 for 2. Luckily, Dave Gagnon took pity on my plight and volunteered his services....so I got SOMETHING out of the deal. Seriously, I couldn't be more thrilled to have Gagnon on board....right now, Dave and the SCOOPS staff are busy feeling each other up...err..I mean out. Dave's getting used to his new surroundings and the new guidelines that SCOOPS request their writers to follow (there's not a LOT of them....it's pretty lax...just some basic stuff...most of which I ignore anyway). Meanwhile, Al's getting used to a new writer with an already strong following and an established style. I expect some great stuff out of Dave..once he really starts to cook. Plus, with a fresh, unique comedic voice on board, you can expect me and Dave to get together and come up with some extra stuff for the site. I already have a few ideas. And thumbs up to Rob Turner from 411...who couldn't have handled the transition with any more class. Okay, that's out of the way..on to issue two.... Thanks to all who helped me out and voted for me at that ScoopThis awards thing (if you didn't read last week's closer...e-mail me and I'll send it to you). Unfortunately, I learned that in order to vote...people had to subscribe to their newsletter. I apologize to you for putting you through that inconvenience....and I am disappointed at the people at STC for such a low class, immature stunt. They keep saying that they are a major league site with more readers than anyone else.....so why pull douchy stunts like that? Speaking of which...this week I did something I NEVER thought I would have to do...I actually had an e-mail conversation with a.....cat. There is something horrifically wrong with that. I can barely look myself in the mirror now....I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. Issue 3....I have to send some MAJOR props out.....to 3 different people... 1) To Carlos Seijo...for sending me a nice Online greeting card featuring porn star Chasey Lane. The move touched me in more ways that any guy named Carlos has any right to. 2) To Matt Bower from Century Media Records. Matt sent me a bunch of samples from various underground bands.....including Stuck Mojo. Were this any other week, Matt would DEFINITELY vault to the top as the GREATEST MOP-UP READER EVER....but alas...he can only now be THE SECOND GREATEST MOP-UP READER because..... 3) His name is NOT Terry Erics....and he does NOT work for Geffen records....but because he doesn't want his bosses to somehow find out that he sent a wrestling columnist free stuff, I have to refer to him as "Terry Erics from Geffen". Anyway, "Terry Erics from Geffen" sent me four CDs...two from known artists and two unknown.....needless to say..my mind was FU&^%$# BL0WN!!! I mean...God...when I started this column..I never DREAMED...in a MILLION years that I could end up getting such cool swag like this..I mean..this is INCREDIBLE. Terry Erics from Geffen...YOU, my friend...above all others..are now the official GREATEST MOP-UP READER THERE EVER WAS!!!!!!!! Thank you my friend...thank you. By the way, oddly enough..on the day I received the free stuff, I had just got back from purchasing the Kid Rock CD....so needless to say, my Stereo was cranking. Kid Rock made a slamming CD....even pulling out a VERY surprising cameo from Slim Shady himself Eminem. Go get Kid Rock's CD....some good stuff. And of course......I always welcome free stuff....any Marvel editors want to send me some trade paperbacks? How about DC? FINALLY.....Sean Shannon has more guts than any other web guy I have ever read....yep...he has lots and lots of guts...a veritable army of guts.....no Levi waist band can hold it's own against his guts.....not even the....heh..."Big and Tall" line...nope...he sure has a LOT of guts...they are just spilling out all over the place....lots and lots of guts. If you are going to quote me....even though I am an "insignificant speck in the Universe"...at least quote me properly. And maybe find a quote that isn't over a year old? Okay...that's plenty of stuff. Time to roll on out to the old...the old.....time to....umm...oh F-THIS.... By the way...read this week's closer. I don't know what it'll be about, but I'm sure it'll kick ass. RAW IS WAR (or: The Patterson Show) -One World/One Leader/One Vision/One Billion dollars worth of Lawsuits -Video package telling the tale of the "Greater Power", the persecution of Stephanie, and Austin as CEO...it's so good, I'm considering keeping it on tape. -Footage from "earlier today" in "Stamford CT" where Vince McMahon's parking space has been turned into "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's parking space. Half that space now belongs to the ex Mrs. Austin....Steve can only park there on weekends and two weeks out of the year (Backstabbing shrew.....'TILL DEATH DO YOU PART LADY BLOSSOM...REMEMBER THAT YOU OLD BRITISH HAG????????) -opening theme...I swear I caught a clip that read, "THIS SPACE RESERVED FOR JERICHO" -RAW IS WAR is hailing from.....from.....nowhere I guess......nowhere USA....30 miles South of Newark. Lawler was already in full "nervous whine" as Ross took us to... -Steve Austin's first day on the job as WWF CEO. He's at Titan Towers and wants to go to his office....problem is he has no clue where it is. -So he asks a receptionist.....a receptionist with short, short hair (*COUGHlesboCOUGH*) -The receptionist tells him where his office is....so then Austin invites her up to see his rattlesnake -The receptionist picks up the ringing phone and chirpily answers it.....Austin chides her for her butchy haircut as well as her phone manner......he tells her to hang up the phone. He says that the next time the phone rings...HE'LL answer it and show her how it's done. -Well THANK GOD the phone rang a second later.....we may have been there all day!! Austin barks at the phone and berates the caller....the receptionist starts to crack up....probably counting her money after she sues Austin for sexual harassment (CEOs simply must NOT invite young ladies...especially ones with short, Natalie Imbruglia hair ((*COUGHfeministlesbosCOUGH*)) to look at their rattlesnakes). -Austin walks away and the phone rings..the receptionist answers in a more Austinish manner...Stevo hits the elevator. -Back to the...ahem...LIVE...show; Jim Ross wonders out loud if he could possibly convince Austin to re-hire Steve Williams....then -The Corporate Ministry (A dark, dark religion that embraces Corporate values? Isn't that called Roman Catholicism?) show up. You have the Undertaker, the Acolytes, Shane McMahon, Hunter Hearse Helmsley, and...oh Hell..you know..all of them. -Ladies and Gentlemen.....I now proudly present...the first and only....PATTERSON JOKE OF THE EVENING -Except that Pete Gas and Rod Knee were there instead of Jerry Brisco and Pat Patterson.....Brisco was wandering the aisles of a nearby 7-11 looking for his dressing room and Pat was at Titan Towers, waiting to pitch Austin on HIS idea for a "training camp" for young....raw....fresh....recruits....called the "Hamster Mojo". -there you have it....the first and only PATTERSON JOKE OF THE EVENING!!!! -and this time...I PROMISE! -Vincent K. (Oh give it a rest Hyatte) McMahon had the mic and was busy selling his little rug off on all the doings that's been going on as of late......quite frankly...we've been here before...several times....several, several.....oh God...several times before. -Vince was trying to decide what type of stipulations he should use for his handicapped match with Shane against Austin at the KOTR. His first suggestion was a "Ballbreaking Bitch" match where all three men would find some cooze....get married in Vegas...get divorced in Tijuana....and the person who lost the most money in the settlement would win. -Oh jeezus...if this is the best I'm going to do tonight...this is going to suck HUGE this week. -Then Vince came to his senses and suggested a "Dog Pound Match"....which was formally called a "Dog Collar Match"...but Sable wants ownership of that title too...(WHAT? WHY????). to see exactly what a "Dog Pound Match" is going to look like...he decided to put Mr. Ass and Road Dog in a pair of collars tonight and see what happens. -Then Shane wanted to try a "David vs Goliath Match" and put Paul Wight in the ring against X-Pac. -Then Shane added an Acolytes vs Kane handicap match -Then Vince suggested a "Blind Date" match where Test had to put on a blind fold and take on the Big Bossman...who wouldn't have any optical hindrances. Because Stephanie STILL is walking bowl legged.......as well as some rectal bleeding that we certainly will NOT get into. -Then Vince offered up a "Straitjacket Match"...between Ken Shamrock and Jeff Jarrett...except only one of them will actually have to wear a straitjacket.....oh just figure it out yourselves. -Then Vince wrapped it up... -Then out came Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson (oh no.....I already promised....nononononononoNONONO) -Then Pat opened his mouth...demanding Vince to "look at me..does my ass look too fa(uh uh...I promised...one joke for the evening....even if it was a bad one....just one...sorry..leave the poor shnook alone) -Then Pat said that he has known Vince for "20 looooong years".........and believe me...Vince has felt every INCH of that 20 LOOO(NO.....stop it.....NO MORE, HYATTE.....Jesus....leave him alone) -Then Pat announced that Stephanie is his "God Child"......Pat? A Godfather?? Doesn't the Bible pretty much say that GOD wants nothing to do with Old Fago(DAMMIT CHRIS...I'M SERIOUS!!! YOU MADE YOUR PROMISE...NOW KEEP IT!!) -all right, all right...I'll stop... -Then I used the word "then" to start a sentence for a record TENTH time in a row. -Then (ELEVENTH) Pat yelled at Vince for the harmful jeopardy that he put his daughter in. Well Jeeze...it's not like Vince made her perform any crazy stunts.....like fly down to the ring from the raf(WHOOPS.....maybe that's a bad example!!) -Then (TWELTH) Vince cautioned Pat to "get right with himself" before he continued.....(But if Pat did that..then I would have no column??) -Then (THIRTEEN) Pat asked if that was a "tret"..(Lawler was all over that) -Then (FOURTEEN) Pat tells Vince and Shane to go straight to Hell -Then (FIFTEEN.....exciting, ain't it?) Brisco took the mic and told Vince and Shane that they can get their own coffee. -Then (SIXTEEN...SOMEONE CALL GUINESS!!!) Vince reminds the two that he "owns their asses"............................................... -...................................... -sonafabitch.....of all the times that I pick.......rat bastard...lousy...stupid...scriptwriters. -Then (SEVENTEEN...NOW THE RECORD STANDS AT 17!!!!) Vince announces that Pat and Gerry will fight Midian and Mabel....basically because I have problems spelling his other name. -Hmm....Pat Patterson up against a huge Black guy and an inbred Hillbilly? For reasons that are too terrifying to consider...this gives ME a raging hardon -Jim Ross and Lawler ponder the ramifications of tonight's line up...then send us off too... -The Rock's "Overstuffed Ravioli" commercial.....featuring a rapper doing much of the pitching....suddenly, Konnan is now the SECOND lamest rap act in wrestling. -commercials -Austin finds his new Office...he walks in and meets three girls: -The first one is Danielle....she gets Vince his coffee -The second one is Giavonna...she gets Vince his Shatoe Breeon (That is a wine...for you uncultered Troglodytes out there) -The third one is Jill....she backs up the other two. (I'm sure you were expecting me to make a crass statement such as "she gets Vince his blowjobs" or something vulgar like that...well I'M SORRY!!!! BUT THERE WILL NOT BE ANY OF THAT PROFANITY IN THIS COLUMN!!!! THINK OF THE CHILDREN, PEOPLE...THE CHILDREN!!!!) -Austin turns down offers of coffee and food and requests a couple of beers -Road Dog comes to the ring...with his dog collar already on. -Doggy grabbed the mic and said that...that....wait a second....holy sh*t -It just occurred to me..this is my two year anniversary on SCOOPS...I've been here for two years now...beginning on this very week! -two years!....do you think Al remembers that? Oh no.....he's too busy getting powerbombed by Sal Sincere. Do you think he would issue a congratulatory thumbs up in his column? No way...uh uh....he's too busy doing.......doing...umm...exactly WHAT does he do all day anyway? -I'VE BEEN HERE TWO GODDAM YEARS AND I DON'T GET SO MUCH AS AN E-MAIL FROM AL (TOO BUSY TO HELP THOSE WHO MADE HIM WHAT HE IS) ISAACS......I MADE THIS FRIGGIN' SITE!!!!!! BUILT IT FROM THE GROUND UP, BY GOD!!!!! AND WHAT DO I GET FOR MY TROUBLES??? JACK SQUAT!!!! JACK MOTHERF&*^%$ DIDDLY!!!!! WELL WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT HYATTE???? -(Editor's note: Hey idiot, I believe that you get paid now for this crap...do you not? Now, my advice is to go back to the recap before I send a little note to the boys in Oklahoma and tell them that Hyatte was a lot funnier when he was not getting paid.....and he was on time too.) -Mr. Ass, Billy Gunn came to the ring with a neckbrace on. Ross called him a fake, phony, fraud, and a scam artist in between bites of his Baja Gordita. -(Editor's note: Much better, and happy anniversary.....assface) -Gunn said that he couldn't work tonight...Road Dog screamed that Kane was behind him......Gunn whipped around, showing that his neck was in fact perfectly healthy...(you know they are hurting for ideas when they resort to tactics used on "The Brady Bunch".....ahhh...Mike Brady......another drunken old Queen) -They ended up fighting.....Gunn never did get his collar on. -Chyna eventually showed up.....she yanked the chain upwards...which dug right into Road Dog's sack...which allowed Gunn to perform the Fame-asser..which scored him the pin. Then Chyna wrapped the chain around her fist and started to pummel Doggy. -Yep...there's Chyna...all buffed up in tight leather...beating the tar out of a man with a chain.......yep.....her black hair wildly whipping about......yup......yup.....ohhhh yes..... -.....ohh yes....ohh....uh....uh.......umm...hello? HELLO???? -COME ON BUDDY!!!!! YOU GOT A PUPMED UP CHICK IN TIGHT LEATHER PRANCING AROUND!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!! COME ON..DON'T DO THIS TO ME....HOP TO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!!! -okay.....let me picture a bag over her head....NOW FRONT AND CENTER!!!!!!! -nothing....OKAY...TWO BAGS....IN CASE THE FIRST ONE RIPS APART!!!! NOW WE GOT TWO BAGS OVER CHYNA'S HEAD!!!!!! HELLOOOO!!! TIME TO SALUTE THE FLAG MR. SLEEPHEAD!!!!!! -nothing.....OKAY...TWO BAGS...SHE CAN'T BREATHE!!! SHE'S SUFFOCATING!!!!! COME ON NOW!!!!!!!! -ahhhhhhhh..that's better!....WAIT...it was only a twinge....it's still turtle shelling....DAMMITALLTOHELL!!!!!! WILL YOU DO SOMETHING PLEASE??? NOW I'M GETTING WORRIED!!!!! PLEASE...PLEASE!!!!!!!!! -Mr. Ass mooned Road Dog...he dropped his trunks to show off his thong undies...THERE IT IS!!!!!!! IT'S UP AND RUNNING!!!!! AMEEEEERICA....AMEEEERICA...GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEEEEEEEEE -Something is......something is dreadfully wrong with me...I think I may need some help...this shouldn't be happening...I shouldn't be responding to....umm....maybe I better get off on this subject -Get off ON? I MEAN GET OFF THE SUBJECT...GET AWAY FROM THIS..GO...GO..WHERE'S THE DAMN FAST FORWARD......GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!! -Ken Shamrock pulled up and was met by Slaughter. The old Sarge said that Kenny will have to have and armed Guard by his side tonight..because...oh who cares. Kenny stormed away....we stormed away to some... -commercials
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