Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

This is not going to begin well...6/17/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -The Rock came out. It's been a while since we heard from him. -He says that it's good to be back in Worcester (AKA: Boston's red headed stepchild) -The Rock said that he wasn't impressed by that Roody Poo Undertaker....all his usual cliches were employed with fervor. -I liked it when he used to admonish the crowd for "singing along" with him....I wish he could bring that back. -He invited the UT to "take your entire 33 pound head, turn it backwards like the Exorcist; roll it down your back; catch it with your hands; and then Undertaker, the Rock says, take your own head and proceed to shove it, DIRECALLY up your CANDY ASS!!!" (and THAT, my wrestling wannabes, is how you cut a PROMO!) -All this was to challenge UT for the title at KOTR....in case you didn't figure that out. -The Undertaker walked out with Paul Bearer. UT said that the Rock was "writing checks his ass can't cash!" (It may be the first time UT has ever used the word "ass"...I remember when he used to deliberately avoid the word) -Then he dedicated his first on air use of the word "ass" to Owen Hart....aww..how sweet. -UT claimed to have "crippled more people than Polio." (Oh...so THAT'S the guy who rigged Owen's harness.) -Folks...I am not terribly proud of myself right now. -UT accepted the Rock's challenge. -BUT....Vince had other plans. He ran out with Shane and asked the Rock what made him think that he was the number one contender? Vince said the only thing "electrifying" about him these days are those gaudy shirts he wears...(Vince said it in his full out throaty growl....."shirtsyouWEARRRRR") -Vince said that the Rock could take on the Undertaker at the King of the Ring.....but he would have to beat the UT tonight in a non title match. -The Rock agreed...of course....what the Hell was he going to say? NO? Then they would have no main event! Then everyone would flip to Nitro! Then Nitro would get killer ratings! Then Bischoff would claim that he invented oxygen! Then Bob Ryder would scream that RAW was finally crumbling under the brilliance that is WCW! -Shane piped in at the last second and said that the Rock/UT match would have a special stipulation...but nobody would know what it was until 5 minutes before the match.....and ERIC BISCHOFF would be the one to announce it!! (WOW...talk about playing Eric for a sap!) -backstage someone SPRINTS by Jeff Jarrett and Debra...who was wearing just a bra. Jarrett asked Debra if that sprinter just made a "pass at her".....(I'd make a snide comment about the quality of that joke..but it's beating anything I could come up with this week all to Hell). -commercials -Jarrett and Debra came out.....Debra decided to skip the formalities and go out there in her underwear....(it's kind of like when a girl mounts you....rides you...rubs you...uses her mouth...then flips over for ya...but then she refuses to clean your toilets afterwards! It's so...so...so incomplete) -Of course...Lawler acted every bit the horny old fart he has turned into. -Debra had a big smile on her face...you would too if you were banging Austin....can you say "Newly found job security"? I knew you could. -Ivory came down.....it's a title match....since when is Debra a wrestler? -The answer....NEVER. Especially since Nicole Bass interfered 30 seconds into this thing...and helped Ivory become the chick champ. The announcers basically screamed at us that Jarrett helped with the switch in order to keep himself as the only title holder in this group. -You know, I used to think that Vince should just give Rena Mero her name and a few extra bucks and be done with it...but now...F-HER. This chick is so stupid....showing up on the competitor show...while still under WWF contract...bright move...bright move. -I should be saying that in the Nitro recap...but I felt like saying it now...F-you -More with Austin at Titan Towers. Now Steve's in a meeting....filled with "stuffed shirt, yes men"...none of whom Jim Ross seemed to care much for. Austin fired one of them because he looked stupid (I heard that Bischoff has canned people for similar reasons...and I am not even joking). Then he promoted a mail room clerk and made him an "Executive Beer Getter"....or something like that. -Then Austin gave all the suits a beer and told them to have a drinking contest....if they could stay on their feet...they would keep their jobs. Cute stuff. -commercials -DURING THE BREAK...Brisco caught up with Patterson, who was getting ready to bail out...claiming that after 20 years with Vince McMahon..the 53 year old Pat simply "couldn't take it anymore..he can't take it".....Jerry talked him into staying. (I made a vow....I will not comment) -Test came to the ring....looking like the cat who just ate the canary...(or maybe that's the "Canary that just ate the cat"? Or perhaps "The Birdie that just ate the Pussy"?) -The Bossman came out...Test was blindfolded.....there shouldn't be a chance in Hell that the Bossman loses. -Test got a few shots in...which angered the Bossman....who grabbed his nightstick....which caused the DQ.....which meant that Test won.....which is just silly -Bossman kept up his assault...then Stephanie ran in and blocked the BBM from continuing his assault......heh... -heh....heh heh...hee hee heeee...haw haw haw......HA HA -BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA WATTA LITTLE PUSSY!!!!!!! NEEDS A GIRL TO PROTECT HIM???????? HEY VINCE...WHY DON'T YOU JUST HOLD A PUBLIC CASTRATION OF TEST ON LIVE TV AND FINISH THE JOB!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAAAAAA -Protected by a GIRL........fagGOT!!! -More fun at Titan Towers....Austin checks into "Human Resources", makes the girl there get him a beer or two ("Move it or lose it honey...I got things to do!"....now Austin is a REAL man...he puts the broads in their rightful PLACE!!) -Then Austin has a skit with a...a meek...nerdish little man and tries to get him to curse.... -This guy...called Matt DeLuca by Ross....he is timid.....nasal.....nervous around bigger men......with glasses....a wimpy voice......and a big nose....a classic mensch Matt DeLuca? Why didn't they just call him "Token Jew"? -Note..that is NOT me insulting the great Jewish religion....that is simply me pointing out the BLATANT Jewish stereotype that has permeated television since "Hill Street Blues"....it's a stereotype that sickens and disgusts me.....DAMMIT GOLDBERG!!!! GET YOUR MONEY HOARDING ASS BACK ON TV SO YOU CAN HELP PUT DOWN THIS UNFAIR STEREOTYPE ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! -X-Pac comes to the ring... -Paul Wight comes to the ring......a little sign tells us that the second hour arrived. (Funny...I thought it came about 15 minutes ago....this is a long ass show). -Wight hits the ring..grabs the mic..says that this is unfair and uncool.....beating up Pac would be like beating up a little girl...so he'd just as soon forget about it. -X-Pac grabbed the mic and said that he was a FIGHTER..A COMPETITOR....A MAN WHO LIVES FOR THE ADRENALINE RUSH OF LOCKING IT UP!!!!!! THIS IS THE WCW...WHERE WE WRESTLE DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!! -Wight quietly told Pac that this was that "other fed"...X-Pac said "Oh right....I forgot..then invited Wight to go out and smoke some Hash. -Then Kane came out after X-Pac tripped over the top rope.....he yanked Pac away and insisted on fighting Wight himself....Pac protested...Kane knocked him down...Wight said "Let's do it"...Kane raised his arms...the posts exploded...Wight lit one of his farts and produced an even bigger explosion....X-Pac knocked down Kane...then he spun kicked Wight right out of the ring....Wight was pissed....but he remembered the script and walked away.... -All told..it was the best segment so far.....all three men showed character development and X-Pac looked good against two guys twice his size -Backstage, Shamrock was strapped into the straightjacket..but cheerfully warned Slaughter that Vince was deader than both Freddie Mercury and Dan Severn...in fact....even with the jacket on, Shamrock was death on two legs...he wasn't a cool cat, but he damn sure knew how to attack like a dragon...yep..a real dragon attack was what this boy was all about.....he knew alright...he knew how to play the game....he knew how to break away from the norm and scream "I want it ALL".....Kenny wasn't about to be dead on time....in the great bicycle race called life...Shamrock would be the great king rat and deliver a real ogre battle to whoever dared opposed him.....indeed.....this walking, talking bohemian rhapsody knew something about this crazy little thing called love and brother...he had no love for Vince at all!!! -That one last time Queen song fest is going out to my boys at The University of Virginia's College at Wise.....NOW GO GET SOME CO-EDS BOOZED UP AND HAVE YOUR WAY WITH THEM!!!!!! BOOOYA MUTHA F-ERS!!!!!!! -Just remember...if she says no.....RUN!!!!! TAKE NO CHANCES...HOP OFF THE FUTON AND GET THE F*&^ OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE YOUR CALVINS BEHIND AND BEAT IT!!!!!!!! -HOWEVER...if she's passed out....just grab her by the head and nod it up and down...there..she just said yes. -And here comes the hate mail. -commercials -a little footage of all the stuff that just went down -Jarrett is out...Debra is more properly dressed -Shamrock is out in a straightjacket...looking like his nose is itching BIG time. -The bell rang...Jarrett put on a clinic....he had a field day -Then Shamrock kicked him...shoulder blocked him....gave him a jumping side kick savate...thingy -Then Kenny wrapped his legs around Jarrett's neck and squeezed....Jarrett tapped out...Shamrock won the match. -Vince ran out punched at the Ref (the punch hit nothing but air...but that air was hurting for WEEKS afterwards By God). The ref went down. Vince grabbed the Straightjacket key and ran away. Shamrock flipped out.... -but not before looking into the camera and saying, "HEY ABBOTT...YOU PIECE OF SHIT...I HOPE BISCHOFF PACKAGES YOU AS THE SON OF ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS!!! YOU HOMO!!!!!" Then he stalked off. Lawler and Ross actually had the balls to act like he'd be stuck in that jacket forever. -Brisco and Patterson were going to the ring...Ross wondered loudly if Brisco's plan could possibly work. -commercials -GTV shows us a chicky shaving Billy Gunn's butt hair. She found a pimple.....Gunn told her never to tell anyone about what she saw....the word "ass" was employed 15 times..meanwhile, Bob Ryder's head officially exploded. -Patterson and Brisco come out to Hulk Hogan's old "Real American" song (folks.....let me lay it down for you...without naming names....it has come to my attention that a certain well known wrestling web site guy recently boasted that he just picked up the old WWF Theme songs from the 80's on CD...and recommended that you do the same.....ladies and gentlemen...boys and girls.....please..just this one time..listen to Hyatte... -THAT IS, BY FAR, THE GEEKIEST THING YOU CAN EVER...AND I MEAN EVER DO!!!!!!!!!! -Please...be reasonable..what if you brought a girl over to your love pad (a concept that is apparently FOREIGN to the above well known web guy) what do you think will happen if she sees that CD anywhere within 50 yards o your CD player? -Will she A: Claim to be a lesbian and offer to just be friends? -B: Say that she's got a huge exam to study for..even though it's the middle of Summer? -C: Say she dropped her birth control pills outside and has to look for them..and you never see her again? -D: Have her friends come over so they can all laugh at you in your house, in your face? -E: Assume that you "play for the other team" and whip out the strap on? -F: Throw you on the ground and practically rape you? -I'll give the answer at the bottom of this recap. -Aw F-It....I'll give the answer now.....THE ANSWER IS A...then D YOU DUMB ASSES!!!!! DO NOT...I REPEAT...DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO TURN ALL YOUR OLD WRESTLING RECORDS INTO CDS!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T BE A FRIGGIN FAIRY. -It's painfully simple....listen to me and get laid....listen to other web guys and be forever horny....just like them. -Pat and Gerry bring chairs into the ring.....Midean and Mabel come on out... -But it's Pete Gas and Rodney who attack from behind...Gas delivers a low blow right to Patterson's groin....Pat reacted by...by....steeeady Chris...steeeeeeady...you made a promise now.... -Hold on...I'm going to get a cold beer....just to settle myself...a nice mouthful of beer would hit the spot very nicely right about now... -Midean and Mabel join in....it's a two on one...doubled...Wow....thank goodness I can enjoy this while sipping a nice cold beer -Mabel splashed Patterson...... -Mabel crashes down...Ross says, "That's the largest man....(slight pause...as if he had to think about whether he should finish the thought)...who's ever been on Pat Patterson!!!" -*PFFFFFFFFFFT* -COUGHCOUGHCOUGH.....COUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH.....GASP* -*COUGHCOUGH*....can't....breathe.....*GASP...GASP*......*COUGH...COUGH* -*GAASP....WHEEEEEWWWWW.....GAAAAAAASP.....WHEEEEWWWWW* -Oh....*cough*...God....*choke*....I...almost.....*wheeze*...died -*cough...cough*...the beat down continued...Gas and Rodney walked away in triumph...*cough* -See what happens when you drink beer around gay people? I tell yous..it's a dangerous game of roulette. -We see the Rock walking around....looking like the Rock...( as opposed to looking like who? Haywood Jablomee?) -commercials -Back at Titan Towers.....Austin is at accounting and demands to see the "numbers"....the accounted pulls out a book which shows that in all actuality, the WWF is STILL in the red.....the CLAIM it was from all the damage that Austin has done in the past...but we can all figure out the REAL deal.....you know...steroids....Mexican laborers.....100 year old flying wires......secret accounts for breast implants.....secret accounts for those "ingrate hart's who get mad and sue us......secret accounts to keep 24 hour tabs on Phil Mushnick.....Hookers.....Mistresses......secret accounts for the mysterious "Patterson Mishap" file.....and let's not forget Vince's very private account for those "Dago Bastards" who control the Unions.....the money has to come from SOMEWHERE!!! -Austin ordered that the accountant take some of the zeros on Vince's paycheck and move them over to Mick Foley's paycheck so he can pay those medical bills.....then demanded that Shane's salary become the "Beer salary"....notice that Austin didn't give HIMSELF a raise......actually he did..he opened up a secret account of his own...it's called the "None of Blossom's F*&^%$& BEESWAX" Account. -Kane came out... -The Acolytes come out....Kane attacks them outside -It gets back inside....the bad guys take it.... -Kane gets it back.... -Call me crazy...but Kane has improved this past year....I think he really has been practicing. He just seems more smoother. A better salesman. -It goes outside....the Acolytes beat Kane around. -Lawler kept saying that the Corporate Ministry was in "perfect harmony"...think they were hinting at something? -Lawler, "Shane's biceps are HUGE" -Ross, "How can you see his arms when your head is so far up his...." -Lawler, "HEY HEY HEY HEY!!!" -Bischoff and Schiavone can go screw themselves..they can NEVER compete with these two. They wouldn't even know where to begin. -This was a good sized match.....long and meaty...they really let these guys go. -Eventually...a chair and some serious double teaming led to an Acolyte victory......X-Pac ran out with a chair and chased them away. -Backstage...Shamrock was wrecking is dressing room...desperate to get out of that jacket and scratch those damn testys......he started to scream.... -YEEEEEAAAARGH!! (Hey...I HEAR YOU BROTHER!!!!! I TOO KNOW THE EXQUISITE AGONY OF ITCHY NUTS!!!!!!!!) -Finally..through use of superhuman strength and enough steroids to drown Scotty Steiner...Ken Shamrock broke free...his hand made a beeline for his sack...Ross screamed, "NO KENNY!!!! WAIT UNTIL THE..." -commercials (and not a second too soon) -We see all the various plaques and awards that Vince has adorning his walls.....Ross looked at one picture of a young Vince and sniped, "Aw that was before the face lift!!" (Note to Jimbo...if he is reading....perhaps you shouldn't be making cracks about the FACIAL area....huh Jimmy?) -Austin is speaking to the camera.....and to Vince...after spending the day in the Office, he realizes just how much full of BULLSHIT Vince really is....so he'll just wants to add to it all. -Then he had a team of guys come into the office with wheel barrels filled with supposed bullshit...and had them dump it all over the office... -Of course.....I'll believe that Savage and Nash were really using sewage before I'll believe this. -Then we see liquid being poured on the pile...Lawler assumes it's piss.....so doesn't 90% of the audience I'll say. -No...it's just Austin pouring a beer. -Meanwhile, Vince and Shane saw this and were furious...they start to walk towards the ring.... -commercials -Shane and Vince come to the ring.....I wonder if this will eat up the rest of the time until the 5 minute main event? -Vince has the mic and says that the special stipulation for the KOTR handicapped match will be that the loser has to pay the Hart family "whatever they want" (WHAT???? MY GOD!!!!! THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MATCH IN PRO WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!) -No no...really, the loser has to JOB TO MARC MERO 30 TIMES IN A ROW!!!!!! (WHAAAAT?? MY GOD!!! THINK OF THE RAMIFICATIONS!!!!!) -No..no..no..really..it's a ladder match..with the CEO title up against Vince and Shane's combined 50% of the company... -Then Shane was about to announce the stipulations for the Rock/UT match when... -Ken Shamrock ran out....Vince pretty much shoved Shane at him. Shane was Belly to Bellied as Vince scampered away...Kenny gave chase....Shane lied motionless in the ring..his eyes wide opened, looking around (SHUT YOUR EYES, YOU IDIOT!!!!! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK REAL!!!!!) -commercials -Footage of what just happened -Vince was seen hopping into a limo and burning rubber -The Rock came out -The Undertaker came out -Then HHH came out (?!?!???) -Then Hyatte realized that he hasn't closed his sentences with a period since he wrote "No...it's just Austin pouring a beer" a while ago. -HHH had the mic and said that the special stipulation was that this was going to be a Triple Threat match. So the Rock was fudged. -Lawler practically SCREAMED that all was well within the Cornistry.....only the truly dumb would not pick up on the foreshadowing. -So, of course..the Rock was getting killed....two white guys beating on a black guy...(MY GOD!!!!! SOMEONE CALL BILL COSBY...PRONTO!!!!!!) -Lawler, "Jim Ross, have you ever seen a Dung Beetle up close?" -Ross, "No, I have never seen one...well, maybe once..years ago!" (I will bet you ANY MONEY IN THE WORLD that he was referring to Uncle Eric). -It was all UT and HHH.....HHH went for a piledriver at the ramp entrance....the Rock backdrops out of it. -There's not much to say....it was more one sided than your typical Goldberg match....only 20 times longer. -The Rock launches a comeback.....he tries to give HHH the Rock Bottom... -He let's go of Helmsley, (who went flying into the Ref) when he sees the Undertaker approaching..he goes for the Undertaker...UT gives him the Chokeslam -Chokeslam city...UT signals that the end is near...he picks the Rock up for the Tombstone...the Rock backs out of it and pushes the UT into HHH... -Rock Bottom on the UT... -People's Elbow on the UT...goes for the count...the ref is still down -Another ref runs in...Chyna pulls him off and forearms him... -The first ref wakes up and starts the count...HHH is up and stops it... -Awesome sequence...great stuff from 3 impeccable pro's. -UT throws the Rock into the ropes...the Rock reverses it...Chyna gets confused and hits the UT by accident (well..that should finally answer the question of her gender once and for all). -UT is pissed....after the Rock clotheslines him down to the mat, he grabs Chyna by the throat.... -HHH sees these and grabs the UT's hair...I'm amazed he could hold on to all that grease.. -UT drops HHH throat first on the ropes...HHH is stunned...the Rock gives another Rock Bottom...he pins HHH. -The Rock wins....HHH and the UT start throwing down...Ross throws all that "Unity in the Corporate Ministry" back in Lawler's face....Lawler tells him to shut up. -The Ministration runs in to break them up...Ross starts to scream, "MY GOD..THE CARNAGE..THE CARNAGE" -The show ends. Umm....average RAW. Weak matches for the most part. The Austin stuff was cute, but that was about it. Patterson saved the show...but almost caused me to die in the process. Awesome ending...but can it take on a Nitro that is desperate for ratings? If Eric makes a lot of noise....you better believe it. On to Nitro..because I am SO late. Chris Hyatte
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