Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the June 19 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte Item #1: Russo's in a snit. Bischoff wants Luger, Liz, and Kimberly back. Bischoff is probably also is willing to do anything to make Page happy. Plus, you can expect a HUGE blowup between the two if and WHEN Hogan wants another title run. After all this time of getting snuffed in the ratings... they STILL don't get it. Boy, this company simply can NOT get it's head out of it's ass, can it? Item #2: I read on the STc mailboard that someone got an autograph from Kevin Nash from a friend that read, (in effect) “Bend Over Rover, and Let Big Sexy take over.” THAT, my friends, is why Kevin Nash is the coolest cat around. Item #3: Only 18 months and three weeks left on Nash's WCW contract. Item #4: Dale Glaser is still “God” for this week. Item #5: Watch how fast I burn through this mutha... NITRO: (or: Miller? Horace? Torborg? What happened to “Giving the Fans what they want?”) -opens with highlights of Thunder. One would question the plausibility of ANY highlights being on “Thunder”. -of course, they don't show those REAL highlights... those being in the Conference Rooms. Those meeting have GOT to be FASCINATING. -We see a WHITE Limo pull up and a bulky BLACK driver get out (and doesn't that basically say it ALL?) -The Driver opens the door for Ernest Miller... who steps out with a cell phone planted in his ear. Jeff Jarrett and Mike Awesome step out of ANOTHER Limo. Jarrett runs up to Miller and asks: -1: Where is Russo? (out hurt thanks to Scott Steiner and this amazing ego he owns) -2: Where is Bischoff? (In L.A. working on the HUGE deal... yes, that's right... ANOTHER one) -3: Where's Goldberg? (on route) -4: Where de' white women at? (In Montana? All over the place.) -5: Wassup with the Kingfish takeoff? (Miller is jus doin' what the Massa sez) -Jarrett splits and Miller starts taking notes. -Then a Security Guard runs up and tells Miller that there is “big trouble in the ring right now.” Everyone takes off. -Cut to Horace (douchebag) Hogan, sitting in the ring on a chair with a baseball bat in his hand. Tony Schiavone begs us to “notice the look on his face!” (how can we NOT? He has that same baffled look only with his lower lip sticking out to show that he is REALLY, REALLY mad. ooo... OOO... I... I... I can't say here what I want to say on this subject. E-mail me and I can get into it.) -opening theme -Fireworks. Tony welcomes us to Nitro in Billings, Montana... where Unabombers, gun toting Hillbillies, and more loons than the FBI can keep track of, reside. And if they don't get you, chances are a Grizzly or a Moose will. -Horace wants to get things going before he forgets crucial elements of the script (such as who he's talking about... who his Uncle is... what his name is... which company he's in... how to form words with his mouth... how to breathe). -“Last week, I saw a guy, who so far, has been nothin' but a Fly by Night guy in this bizness, who last week, helped destroy someone who has helped BUILD this BusineeAAAGHS” (Dale Bless him, he still hasn't learned the art of air distribution... he's the only guy around who chokes out EVERY LAST WORD because he runs out of breath) -“That's right, my Uncle “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan. let me tell you people something, where I come from, you stick UP FOR FAAAAMLEEEAAAGH” (trans: People, PLEASE... I'm a Face!! Love me!! Stop laughing at me!) -“Goldberg, you showed last week, that you were in it for nothing more than the MONAYYYack*cough*” He looked around anxiously... where are those damn HORACE SIGNS??? -“Tonight, I am here for family honor, and REVEEEEEENGE” -“So Horace Hogan, wants one thing tonight, and he ain't leaving ‘till he gets iiit *GASP*. He wants Goldberg IN the ring, and he wants to be NEEEEXT!” (may I suggest you request ANOTHER thing... such as a CLUE???) -Miller came out as Tony asked how many people have said THAT in WCW (well, Tank Abbott... FOUR SHORT WEEKS AGO!!!)? Madden asked how many people were DUMB enough to ask for that? -Miller came out and said that both he and Goldberg were MUCH too busy for Horace. Besides, even Allah knows that Goldberg would tear up some ass in that ring. So Horace can stay there all night as far as he was concerned. He had work to do. -Miller twice asked for the fan's attention... puckering his lips in importance. Suddenly, he looks just like the guy who was Invited to the Oscars after finding those Statues. -Finally, he told the fans to shut up. Don't make him call his Momma! -Addressing the camera, he told Scott Steiner that there will be NO outside interference tonight from ANYONE. Under threat of a thirty day suspension, big fines AND community Service washing the floors of Miller's Dojo for the rest of their contracts. (Really? Then what the Hell is ARN going to do with his spare time?) -Madden got all excited that tonight was going to be a night of “clean finishes with NO outside interference. That's the problem here. He shouldn't BE excited. This should NOT BE THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE!!!!!!!! -Speaking of contracts, Scott Hall's contract was brought up. Miller said that HE had the contract and there be nothing ANYONE can do about it. -right on cue, (which almost qualifies as an Act of Dale where WCW is concerned), the Wolfpack's music comes on. Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and some chick. Nash has a mic. Miller was surrounded. -Nash sez that after last week, both he and Steiner were “in a real bad mood”. Then commented that Miller was some sort of “Dream maker” tonight. Tony said that the proper term was, “Booking on the Fly”. Right, like every Nitro before this was carefully plotted out. -So, Nash had his own dreams he wished fulfilled. Starting with Miller giving Horace his Goldberg match. Miller agreed. Tony had the nerve to say, “ALL RIIIGHT!” -Nash told Miller that he WILL do what Nash tells him to do, because if he doesn't, this could be a very long night for him (to which, COUNTLESS fans screamed, “TOO LATE!!”) -Steiner said, “You know, Cat!!” then cursed something which the replay bleeped out. -He reminded Miller that he was alone tonight because he (Steiner) snapped Russo's neck last week. The thing is, he was just getting started. Now, he was out back, looking for Eric BITCHOFF (amazingly, that variation is like, four years old... but only NOW it finally shows up on Nitro), but he can't find him. So, since Miller's representing everyone EVIL (He damn sure ain't representing the Brothers anymore, and I would hope the Brothers will begin calling for Miller's HEAD if this characterization continues).. why don't Miller step into the ring with Steiner tonight? -Miller refused. Claiming that he's too damn pretty to rassle tonight, then he got all sweaty about the two guys closing in on him and frantically suggested that Steiner fight Jarrett tonight. -Steiner demanded that they make it a title match... no, scratch that... Miller handed him the shot before Steiner could suggest it. -Nash had one more thing in mind. He challenged Miller to a match for Scott Hall's contract. Miller scurried around... Horace poked him a couple of times with his bat, then proudly looked around as if to say, “See? SEE??” -Nash and Steiner moved in within 5 feet. Miller got to one knee and finally agreed. Nash said that Miller has really been a good Commissioner tonight, (Miller smiled and raised his hands). Then Nash added that after tonight, when he breaks the Cat's back, Commissioning will be ALL he'll be able to do. He made a move towards Miller. Miller scurried over the railing and ran like hell. Shoving fans along as he did, and shoving one fan almost by the face. I can safely say... that there will be NO way... in ANY TIME LINE IN THE MULTIVERSE... will ANYONE name a street after Ernest Miller. I'd be damned shocked if he doesn't end up lynched by some Righteous Posse when it's all said and done. -I mean... WCW has LAWSUITS PENDING for this sort of stereotyping! -and Dale Christ... IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM IF EVERYONE ELSE IS TOO SCARED TO SAY THIS!!!!!! -The Wolfpack's music started. Horace stayed in the ring, looking around dumbfounded. He made his speech already... he had no idea what to do now. -You know, you could irrigate Farms with the furrows on his forehead. I bet he gets migraines if he tries to concentrate too hard. -The Announcers get face time. Scherer commented yesterday about how Madden is losing weight. Something tells me ol' Mark e-mailed him and asked him to say this... because I don't see Jenny Craig working her magic just yet. -Want to see clear cut examples of Professionalism? All three Announcers are facing the camera. Tony is talking and looks straight into our homes. He's a Pro. -Hudson alternates between looking straight into our homes and looking at Tony as Tony talks. He too is a Pro. -Madden looks straight at that camera, doesn't budge while Tony talks, but his eyes darts all around, looking at the crowd, waiting for his turn to speak, looking like he's waiting for some Cops to finally arrest him for killing Jon Benet Ramsey. He is NOT a Pro. -The GOOD news... Mark has seemed to have mastered the art of breathing through his nose. -Backstage, Shawn Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo raid the Control Truck and order some bald guy who was nervously smiling too much to play a tape of them arriving so they could ambush someone. Then they celebrate their deviousness. You REALLY think Stasiak should be a part of ANY angle involving tapes of ANY kind? -elsewhere, Tank Abbott (Goldwho?) and Rick Steiner watched the feed of these proceedings. -The Perfect Event step out of the truck and are attacked by Tank and Steiner. Steiner yelled that “WE ARE WCW!!! WE ARE ALWAYS LIVE!!!!” (shameless, and completely unnecessary self promotion... thy name is Doubleya-Cee-Doubleya). -If this was really LIVE tho', shouldn't Tank and Rick have been watching a feed of themselves watching themselves watching themselves watching themselves... etc, etc, etc? -commercials. Everyone but me is on AOL. I really think I'm still banned. I have this tendency of getting drunk, going into the Born Again Christian Chat Room, and yelling “HAIL SATAN”... then I'd visit the “Suicide” room and tell these people to quit their whining. I just KNOW if I got back on, my first stop after a few gulps of Whiskey would be to go to the AA room and tell those guys to lighten up and have a few. Then it would be straight to the Fat Chicks room and ask who there would blow me for a Snickers bar? (a little old school Dice for ya.). Now I'm reduced to getting put on ignore in the NWWWO Chat room for making fun of “Tom Cruz”. -we are treated to the same AOL spot twice in one block. Since then are THEY hard up for members? -Backstage, Jarrett does to Miller what HHH ended up doing to Vince pretty much all night... whine and moan. -Miller makes Mike Awesome the guest ref for the Jarrett/Steiner match tonight. -Then the same Security guard from 15 minutes ago tells Miller that the crowd was getting restless for some “GOOD, HARD, ACTION PACKED WRESTLING!!!” (if that were the case, they would have died from starvation YEARS ago... ((heh heh hee hee hee hoo hoo hoo))) -Miller tells the Guard that he's too busy, she tell the Guard to go get “:the three Spice Girls and send them out there for a change”. Now, even though you could not find ANY connection between the Spice Girls and Three Count... the Security Guard, who doesn't exactly look like he's splitting Atoms during “Rollerderby” commercials, immediately figured out whom Miller was referring to. -Miller was busy looking for Hall's contract. He stumbled onto his own. He said that he needed a raise. Unless he's earning the same wage as a ScoopThis writer, he's being overpaid as it is. -Tres Count comes out. Madden says that he hears Shane Helms might be the “real Slim Shady”. Madden has no right using the word “Slim” in his vocabulary. -One of these boys who wasn't Evan Karagious got on the stick and said that they were away cutting a new single which they will debut on Thunder. (Good, let it be those loser Thunder recappers problem). -Evan got on the mic and DAMN... look at those friggin' Abs. -He said that all the chicks go down for the Three Count. -They started to dance when... -The Jung (silent “J”) came out of nowhere and attacked. For a while, it was a melee. -Is one of those Jung Dragons the dude who used to flit around as “Tokyo Magnum”? -Things started to resemble an authentic tag team match, complete with double teaming galore. Including a Three Count Missile Dropkick/Former Soviet Republic Legsweep. -Madden said that THIS was Nitro... six YOUNG (or Jung) wrestlers... six JUNG (or young) sports entertainers working their Daledarn HEARTS out!! madden mused, “Boy, what a feather in the caps of whichever team wins. This will open the door to MORE opportunities and MORE chances at stardom!! (Is he for real? The only truth in that statement was that this was Nitro and these guys are all young (Jung)). -One of the Jungians almost hit the Ref. He stopped himself. -Shannon Moore went for a Flying moonsault. he couldn't finish the pin. Karagious followed up with a spinning top rope belly splash which was slightly sloppy, he couldn't secure a pin either. -Two Jungsters tried to mount the top rope at the same time. They were pushed off and both crotched the ring ropes. -Three Count performed a Triple “Face First Drop” (there's Tony, earning the big bucks) and pinned one of ‘em. Three Count won. -Suddenly, someone ran in wearing street clothes. he cleared three count house. It was Tony who recognized him as Lance Storm. Storm was out almost as fast as he was in. madden screamed, “HE... HE.. JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, HE WAS IN ANOTHER WRESTLING ORGANIZATION!!!!!” Hudson followed that with, “HE DOESN'T EVEN WORK FOR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING?!!?” -Don't tell me, they are going with the “HE'S NOT AN EMPLOYEE???” set up AGAIN??? CAN'T THIS F-ING COMPANY DREAM UP AND F-ING NEW IDEA????? -Of course, since there was no legal issue involved, the Announcers then spent ten minutes discussing how ECW sucked and how Paul Heyman is a “bitch ass Momma's boy who never should have lost the cell phone gimmick”. -Backstage, David Flair was looking for Daphne. he was calling her name like I call my dog's name. -Backstage, Goldberg had shown up. With a backwards baseball cap!! (it blends so well with the gray in his goatee.) -commercials -Mike Chardenay talked to Horace. He said that he knows everyone thinks he's “crazy” (wrong adjective) but he's going to fight Goldberg with everything he's got and make Uncle Hulk PROUD. He also promised to bring possible gunplay. He is an IDIOT!!! -Big Vito came out with the Hardcore belt. We see how he won it last week, and how he figuratively piddled on Terry Funk's legacy by attacking him after Funk tried to be gracious. -Johnny “The Bull” comes out. It's a Family WAR!!!! WITH NARY A RULE IN SIGHT!!! -Big Vito starts off by hitting The Bull on the head with a stick, and battled him up the ramp and out of the arena proper. -in the back, Vito made use of all the regular WCW Hardcore accouterments... with an added bonus of SMASHING an actual LAP TOP OVER THE BULL'S HEAD!!! (MY GLASER!!! NOW THERE WON'T BE ANY WCW LIVE TONIGHT!!!! ALL THREE LISTENERS WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!!!!) -WHOO HOOOO -This was all Vito, except for a few closing moments. It ended when Vito did that Gangrel-like DDT onto a table. I'm sorry, but how can you respect a Hardcore match when one guy is able to keep his hat on for 90% of it? -well, let's be honest... this was more like the sort of Job-Out most of us spent the 80's-90's watching on “WWF Superstars” and “Challenge” -Ernest Miller found Scott Hall's contract (we think) and started to cackle, “Mwa ha ha haa.” -Back to the scene of the Job, Terry Funk was on hand to help Johnny the Bull. -Elsewhere, Chavo Guererro was walking around frantically, no doubt wondering when they'll stay true to rip-off form and give HIM an Amazon to bang. He was ambushed and attacked by Rey Mysterio Jr and the Artist. GI Bro (yeesh) saved the day. -commercials. I doubt there is a company alive with more BALLS than whoever makes Gatorade. They are actually going after the WATER DRINKERS MARKET!!! -backstage, GI Bro is there to lecture the Misfits on being “damn fools”. With all these “Millionaires” down and out of action... it's time for the MISFITS to take up the battle... (oh, this show just keeps getting better and better) -Bro asked hammer is he was able to watch these guys' backs? Hammer said “I can watch the back of EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM!!” (yeah, but the second they step OUT of the room, they're on their own) -After making sure everyone's back is watched, GI Bro made Hugh Morrus an official “General” Rection (Hugh G Rection... for Dalesakes... oh screw it... BWAHAHAHAAAA) and said that after tonight, GI Bro will no longer be around. -“Diamond Dallas Kanyon” came out dressed as Chris Page... or something like that. He had a blonde wig on, with the edge of his real hair sticking out of his forehead just so we all know that it's a wig. I appreciate the thoughtfulness. Now I have to go re-learn the art of tying my shoes... AGAIN!! -Pageyon got on the stick, told the “monkey” to cut his music. Then said, “They love me, they hate me, they're all reading my book, ‘Positively Kanyon”. -Kange said that this was not the sort of book you could read once... no no... this is the type of book that you need to read “two time, two time”... (Ballsy statement, seeing how WCW normally treats it's viewers as if they COULDN'T read.) -Kanyon, “I got up this morning, gave myself the old ‘Self High Five'” -Madden, with a quickness I haven't heard since Jm J owned the Center Square, “You shouldn't do that too much, it'll make you blind!!” -Hudson, as droll, disgusted, and as FUNNY as he'll EVER be... “scripted ad-lib.” (BWAHAHAHAAAA SCORE ONE FOR OLD SCOTTY!!!) -Kanyon continued. The fans chanted something that the replay canned. He said that being such a gifted author has made him feel “positive” that he can't be beat... so he challenged ANYONE to come on out and dance... if they were feeling “froggy”. -GI Bro ran out to accept the challenge. In true form of ALL guys who send out open challenges, Kanyon looked STUNNED... as if he expected Ralphus to step out. -Bro cleaned up, Scissor Kick, Facebuster, and a Spinerooni (Madden, “SPINEROONI, SPINEROONI OH MY LORD... SPINEROONI... sigh, 3 years I've been doing this and he cribs the name from a guy who recapped Nitro 2 years ago for about a MONTH) -and it's “Oh My DALE”... for chrissakes -Bro with a side leg kick. Then he mounted the second rope, RIPPED off his fatigues, and revealed that Booker T is alive and well! (ahh, but GI Bro will live in the hearts and minds of ball busting recappers EVERYWHERE... Hell, I'm still getting mileage out of Page's “Mysterious benefactor”... AND HOW ABOUT THE YETI????) -Backstage, David Flair is still looking for the crazy bitch. He finds her sitting on a plush chair that looked wildly out of place in that empty back area (must have been a dressing room prop... as I gamely go about the business of stating the obvious). -David goes up to her. Ditzy says that she has nothing to say to him and slaps him in the face. David exhibits more pain than his entire PPV match against his Father. -Horace is backstage talking to himself... it's the only time he can captivate his audience. I SWEAR, he sounds like a pouty 9 year old. -Goldberg is watching the tube and getting ready. -commercials -Horse's Ass comes out. He mounts the second rope and DEMANDS applause. -Backstage, Steiner and Nash, and the Girl agree to stay out of this and see if Horace can take care of GB himself. All three began to laugh loudly. The Chick was in such hysterics, she ruptured an implant. -GB came out. STILL escorted by a Police Guard. The fans cheered. I personally can't stand the bastich, and I'M cheering. (When in the ring with Horace, Goldberg becomes the Lesser of Two Douchebags) -GB heals nobody. He's BAD I TELL YA'... BAAAD. -Oh, and I'm LAZY I TELL YA'... LAAAAZY -Against Horace, even Hitler would cheer for Goldberg. -Horace goes right on the offensive... which makes sense, seeing how I'm offended that they are calling this “Part One Of A Special First Hour Double Main Event”. -Tony sez that “This is the defining moment of Horace's career, of Horace's LIFE!!” (until, Uncle Hulk decides he's ready for ANOTHER Face push) -Goldberg clotheslines Horace off the ropes. Then he pounds him in the head. -Horace is thrown out. GB takes time to stare at the camera. -GB Gorilla Slams Horace Hip first onto the rail. Finally, I'm praying that he starts working stiff. -HH makes use of a chair. -Back in the ring, we get a boot from HH. GB no sells it and Spears the loser. -Jackhammer and the pin. -Well, so much for THAT... heh heh heh. -Then GB put HH in a Crossface variation. BREAK HIS F-ING NECK!!!! -He didn't. I'm sure one day, he will goof up and it'll happen to someone. Knowing the luck of this company, it'll probably be someone like Sting, Nash or Flair. -Backstage, neither Nash nor Steiner were too worried. -Miller was in his outfit with a briefcase. -commercials -Ernest “the Cat” comes out. Hello second hour. -He gets on the mic and does his thing which so far, only Scherer seems to publicly enjoy. -Kevin Nash comes out. Hello RAW -Miller takes the briefcase with Hall's contract and handcuffs it to Madden's wrist. Now, if they only cuffed him to a salad bar... -Big Sexy comes out. Miller threatens to throw the key away. Nash just looks at him intently. -He starts pounding on Miller. Within seconds. Ernest is on the mic demanding that someone get out there to help him. -Miller tries to rip off the Rock by pulling the headset off Madden's head and yelling about “waiving” something. Nash cut him off. -Back in the ring, Miller gets a crotch shot on Nash. He does his “Karatay” thing in the corner, then crotches him again. -Nash gets off the Jacknife and the pin. He gets the key. Tony screams “SCOTT HALL IS BACK!!! SCOTT HALL IS BACK!!! HE'S NOT IN THE BUILDING OR ANYTHING, BUT HE'S DEFINITELY BACK!!!! -Nash uncuffs the briefcase from Madden's wrist, opens the briefcase, and pulls out an envelope. -Inside the envelope were pictures of Miller. The Announcers basically said, “D'OH”. -Nash steps back into the ring and slowly rears up on Miller. -Goldberg shows up on screen and says “Boy!! Hey boy, I'm talking to you!!!” (Miller perked up... Nash had to push him away and hiss, “Not you, fool!” -Goldberg has Scott Hall's contract and tells Nash that he has to meet him at bash at the Beach in order to get it. Then like a LUMMOX WITH NO RESPECT FOR THE LAST HOUR OF THE ANNOUNCERS SETTING UP THE CONTRACT AS SO IMPORTANT AND PRECIOUS... stuffs the thing in his mouth and proceeds to eat it. -There is no way in HELL, Hall WON'T turn on Nash within 3 weeks of returning. -commercials -A Bleary Eyed Tenay had to listen to Nash say that A: The BAB is in Daytona, where he has a home, 2: Goldberg has watched “The Terminator” one too many times, See: Nash is the only guy to ever beat Goldberg, Quatro: Scott Hall lives 40 minutes away from Daytona, and F: The BAB lands smack dab on his birthday so we can ex-F-ing-pect a big party afterwards. (Well, THEY can expect a party... WE folks can probably expect to spend the post-show staring at our screens wondering what in THE Hell possessed us to order a WCW PPV again and be disappointed... AGAIN) -Drunkay then turned his attention to Scott Steiner. Scott said that HE was the actual “Chosen One” and whoever thought different could “Kiss his (bleep)”. -The Filthy Animals came out. We are told it was a Cruiserweight title match, yet we weren't clear on who would be challenging. -Juventud Guerrera joined the Announcers and announced that “The Jews has come back to... Jewtown??” (Jewtown?? THE JEWS WERE EVEN TOSSED OUT OF JEWTOWN??? GOOD LO... ERR GOOD DALE!!) -In the “Only WCW Could Bring to Life This Nightmare” dept... both Juvee and K-Dick spoke AT THE SAME TIME!!!!! I go stuff cotton in my ears. -That didn't work... so I tried pouring Lye down there. -YAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH -I can't hear Konan anymore at least. The Misfits came out. Madden said, “Welcome aboard, Jews”... (it's about TIME he acknowledged the Chosen Ones) -Oh.. wait... running the “deaf” bit... I didn't hear jack squish -Juvee says that they should have a “Jewserweight Division”... not that I heard him say that or anything... I just assumed. In either case... wouldn't a Jewserweight division just be Goldberg stomping Kidman every week? -We are FINALLY told (well, you are... I have Lye in my ears) that this is a Three Way Dance. Loco, Rey Jr, and the Artist. One of these guys can drop dead right there and then for all I care.. guess which one. -Aw Hell... all three can drop. -Loco Guerrero was dumped out, and quickly safeguarded by his Misfits... so, showing Wisdom that not even Solomon could compete with, Madden chose that time to remind us that the ring was SURROUNDED!!!!!! -Rey dumped the Artist out to join him. -Back in the ring... Loco was perched on the top rope. The Artist was sitting against the bottom. Rey Rey Bronco Busted the Artist, then hopped up and tried for a Superplex. Loco crotched him on the top ropes, then gave that Corkscrew DDT on the Fartist. -Loco gets the pin. Fast match. Juvee promised that the “Jews would get the last laugh” (Hey, I'm not making this up!) -The Girls who were there in support of their various mates started to bitch and tussle, but they were broken up. -Tenay was on hand to see David Flair give Daffney flowers and sing a few lines from “Titanic's theme”. Daffney melted like a pad of Butter under Madden's breast. Tenay told them to get a room, and let him raid the Mini-bar -commercials -Backstage, David kissed Daffney goodbye and sent her out of the arena. Then found Miss Handcock. THEY started to snuggle. (Doesn't that just KILL any chance David had at a career writing for the Internet?) -Daffney was back, and witnessed this. Oh, she wasn't too happy. -In all honesty. I'd take Daffney. -The Perfect Event comes out. Madden says “Snootchie Bootchies” (lame, lame, LAME move on Madden's part was when he went on WCW Live and tried to get the fans to bring signs bearing that phrase... Dale, WCW is just FILLED with publicity WHORES!!) -woulditkillyoupeopletobringahyattesignonceinaglaserdamnwhile? -Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner came out. We see that there are problems between this tough guy union. (say it isn't SO!!) -The bell rings. Tank swats Stasiak around some. Steiner does the same. -Event moves in and gets a little, but Steiner fights back. -Then Tank spots a fan who was doing something the script told him not to like. So he jumped over the Guard Rail and chased after him. Steiner was left all alone. -It was a big Double Team for a while. Steiner fought back with zest. Even hit him with the “Lex Flexer”, then they gave him a Double Whozits. Steiner was pinned. All I can do is stare at Rick Steiner and think to myself, “This is the guy who was outwitted by a Puppet.” -Backstage, The Demon is OUT of makeup and is with Asya. He asks Asya to hide the outfit because it's hold on him is so strong. Vampiro was mentioned too. It was all very vague. -Vampiro was watching this and wondering (knowing that I need you to save me... doo waaah rump bump) -commercials -Vampiro came out and ran a “Wait Until Sting Comes Back from Vacation” angle against the “Demon”, who is really Dale Torborg... which is “Grobrot” spelled backwards, which almost sounds like “Robot”. This is all the time I will devote to this nonsense. -commercials. TNT is showing “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” sometime soon, where Kevin Spacey plays a gay whackjob. T'was no stretch. (kidding... I'm a kidder) -Shane Douglas came out with Chris Candido and Bam Bam Bigelow. The Triple Threat is back. Now THIS is something I can get behind. -Douglas is on the mic and invites Billings, MT to feast their eyes on “greatness”. The he said that they will no longer be satisfied with seconds... they will start taking things and taking things by FORCE!!! -Douglas said that Candido and Bigelow are going straight after the tag team belts. -Then he ran down Buff Bagwell and set up a match against him at BAB. -Buff Bagwell came out alone. He couldn't come out with Kronic because those fireworks would TOAST them. (perhaps the most pointless thing I have ever written... and there are a LOT of candidates) -Kronic came out. They all hit the ring and this 6 man was ON. -Candido's arm was in a sling. Is he allowed to take painkillers? -The crowd chants “FRANCHISE SUCKS”... it's too soon to tell if this is the start of a WCW getting OVER, or a mere aberration from a town that sees very little live action. -Clark locks up with Douglas and chops him a bit. Douglas responds with a dropkick, then climbs to the top rope. Clark grabs him and slams him down. -Clark gives Douglas a hard Rock Bottom. -Adams is tagged in. Shane gets a “Full Nelson Slam”. Madden calls it a “Fatty Boom Daddy”... I think. Argh... he is such an A-HOLE!! JUST COLOR THE MATCH AND STOP TRYING TO INVENT PHRASES AND NAMES!!!!!!!! YOU FAT F**K!!! -Buff is tagged. Like a Horace, he chases Douglas into the Triple Threat's corner. -Bigelow is tagged in and softens Buff up. Douglas is back in and assumes control. -Douglas taunts Kronic long enough so that Buff can get up and give him a variation of the DDT that Tony and Hudson debated the name of. (I'm calling it an Enziguri DDT... so F-YOU ALL) -One of the Kronic was tagged and they threw Douglas into Bigelow. -They double teamed Bigelow and gave him the Double Rock Bottom -Candido broke up the pin with an Illegal Object. -Things broke down and Buff ended up alone against Bigelow. he bombed an attempt at a Blockbuster, but scored on the second try a few moments later. Bigelow was pinned. -Then Buff celebrated. Of course, Douglas clocked him. Buff was stomped until Kronic ran back in. -Jarrett and Steiner were both walking. but not together... that wouldn't look good, now would it? -commercials -Ernest Miller and Mike Awesome came out. Since I've forgotten whether I said that Awesome was assigned to be the Guest Ref, I'll say it (again?) right here. -Jeff Jarrett came out as Miller joined the Announcers and proceeded to mumble. -Scott Steiner came out with his phreak and had a microphone. Short and Sweet, he told the Cat that as Commissioner, whose main job was to provide exciting matches, he “SUCKED”... -Pointing to his phreak... he said that since he had “the most beautiful girl in the ring next to him.” (kind of an easy claim when she's also THE ONLY GIRL IN THE RING, YOU JACKASS!!!!!!!!) HE would have booked a “Panties on a Pole Match” (Dale knows I've poled a few panties in my time). -Or, he would have booked a “phreak on a leash” match (Never tried that... I choked a few of them with their own hair... but only the real mouthy ones) -In either case, he had a few stipulations of his own... the first being, Jarrett gets to attack him while he's speaking. -Jarrett obliged. Alas, that blunder stopped Steiner from naming any other stip... he should've saved it for his LAST stip. -Jarrett had some fun, but Steiner fought back and muscled him around. The Announcers and Mumbles (Thank Glaserland for small favors) reflect and brag about how tonight has been a “Screwjob Free Night”. They have HUGE cajones to be so boastful. -On the outside, Jarrett jams a chair in Steiner's gullet. Steiner's Bim tries to tend to him. Jarrett throws her in the ring. Then he turns back to Steiner. The girl jumps on Jarrett, thus discrediting all that bragging about no screwing around. (eh... it was forgivable. It's only a Chick after all). -Oh yeah, when Steiner came out, Hudson said that this was his “first title match since 1991” It's mind boggling how effortlessly this company flip-flops on the importance of the belt. -Things spill outside. All Steiner. -Things spill inside. All Steiner -Things spill in the ring. All Jarrett... no, just fooling. -Catapult into the corner by the UnNatural -Gorilla Slam. -Jarrett with a Crotch Chop. As if all that Horse Pee hasn't wilted Scott's thing down to the size of a string bean. -Steiner charges at Jarrett in the corner and runs into a boot. -Double Axl from the top rope... AXL RULES!!!!!!!!! -Jarrett with the Sleeperhold -Awesome has yet to be a factor here. -That Girl is UGLY... I've seen Helium balloons that were less inflated than her lips. -Steiner just misses a pin. -Belly to belly. Jarrett gets his arm out just as Awesome was about to tap the three. His hand was just inches away. -Jarrett goes for the Stroke. Steiner shoves him down and puts him in the Recliner. Miller gets busy and on the mic, starts demanding that Awesome “Break the hold”. -Awesome tries to break Steiner's hold. He couldn't. So Miller threw a chair in there. Awesome used it. Steiner released the hold. Jarrett went for the pin. Steiner kicked out. -Madden called the belt the “Biggest Prize in Sports Entertainment”... the sad thing is, I bet he honestly thinks people will believe that. -Awesome had enough. He jumped into it. Steiner threw Jarrett out and put Awesome in the Recliner. -Jarrett, Guitar, win. The Announcers pretended that this was the greatest thing they've witnessed since... since... well, I'm burnt out for another week. -Miller walked into the ring and announced that Steiner is primed for a whuppin' -Miller turned his back to drape his coat... Steiner popped right up. Madden asked how he can do this. Tony said, “because he's SUPER-HUMAN!!! (No, OOOOh NO... YOU CAN GIVE THAT TO GOLDBERG BUT THERE IS NO F-ING WAY THEY ARE GOING TO GET EVERY WCW STAR OVER AS SOME SORT OF SUPERMAN!!! I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH IT!!!! NO F-ING WAY!!!!) -Miller ended up in the Recliner. Jarrett and Awesome ran in. Showing brains I doubt anyone knew he had, Steiner dropped the hold and fought them. -Then Goldberg. Then the Spear. -Then Nash. He got a piece of Miller, Awesome, and Jarrett. Goldberg jumped out and laughed at him. -Then the show ended. When I first watched this, (I was dozing at the time), I was all set to trash it completely. What was this crap with Horace? Torborg? 3 Count? Miller? Miller? More Miller? But then I saw it again, and it wasn't too bad. Plus, they made an honest effort to showcase the New Kids and get some freshness in here. BUT... look at the Favoritism. Horace gets a spotlight because of his Uncle. Miller gets a spotlight because he trains Bischoff's son. Neither man deserves it and Miller rivals Eddie G as an insult to his race. Too much Miller. Too much Horace. RAW wins. Closer time. Naaah... no closer this week. I need a break. Maybe no closer EVER AGAIN?? Why sweat over this stuff when only 5 people play along? I got a woman to attend to. Dragons to slay. A dog to feed. Self pity to wallow in. Instead, I'll just go off now. Go and do that thing I do when I'm not here doing this thing I do. One last time, Dale Bless EVERYONE I will leave it up to you to decide who sucks and who rules (I am ineligible for contention). C-F-ing-YA This is Mariott