Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the June 19 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte From MiCasa... reporting on Vince McMahon's testimony from last week... "He says the parties are where they are now because of USA's ‘niggardly way of negotiating." Now will someone PLEASE explain to me why I am the ONLY web guy to be weirded out over that statement? Did he REALLY say "niggardly"? IN A COURT OF LAW??? I'm sure there is some legitimate definition of the word... but COME ON?? Why is it that when Ricky Giri thought he heard Hogan call Leno's band leader a "Little Ni**er", when he REALLY called him a "little midget" a few years ago, EVERYONE was up in arms... but Vince says it for real.. and not a single RADAR BLIP??? I guess Vince really does own the Internet? Jeeze. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello, I'm me... you're you... and this is the column. Lots of little opening notes to get things going. We're underway. Philosophical question of the Week: If someone burns you in a column that was filled with errors about my career, yet nobody seems to have READ the column, and the web site which held the column seems to have collapsed upon itself a few days afterwards... is it REALLY necessary for me to comment on it? All I will say is that I'm always honest with you readers... don't listen to other people make assumptions and then swear that they are true. I'll never lie about such things. And I DO listen to constructive criticism, because no matter how cocky I seem to be, I am WELL aware that this column belongs to YOU and YOU tell me how to write it. But, to show that I am a good sport about such things... let me note that if you're bugging about the loss of the Shooters, well they can be now found at www.theshooters.net. Home of a bunch of A-okay writers and that silly fellow who calls me "Rasputin" all the time. ICQ # is 20750435 AOLIM name is Hyatte1com (HAW!! I kill me). Just be careful about sending me a message every single time I log on... one guy kept hounding me until I had to tell him not to bother me for a while. He literally started to sob and throw a tantrum. It was then when I officially started to "suck the nut". Oh.. wait.. I've been "sucking the nut" for a while now... it was only THEN that he decided to tell me. He's now a Keith reader... well that hurts. (note: see, this is an example on NOT giving constructive criticism). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know if they let it out yet, but part of the perks of being an Internet God is that you get the Inside dope sometimes. In this case, I think I know what Scott Keith's "Big Surprise" is. If it's what I was told... it is a big deal. No, I'm not going to blow it if it's still a secret, but I just want to wish him congrats and luck. It's a good score. (Wanna bet I get a snide comment or two from this? Seeing how some people can't take a nice gesture.) Of course, it might be one of the worst kept secrets on the Net, and I might have been very well the last to know... I'm too busy frying my own fish to pay attention to recent goings on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, www.aint-it-cool.com has first review of the X-Men movie. Some guy named Matter Eater Lad. It's filled with spoilers, but not enough to totally ruin the movie. Go check it out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Want to know who my favorite wrestler is? E-mail me and I'll tell you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Finally for the week... here is the answers to my Closer challenge from last week: 1) "Personal Handling Of How Life Was Led" = "My Way" by Frank Sinatra 2) "Seize the Monetary Units and Exercise" = "Take the Money and Run" by the Steve Miller Band 3) "Connector to Higher Floors to Where the Good Go When They Die" = "Stairway to Heaven" by Led (bunch of homos) Zeppelin 4) "Please Come In to the African Rainforest" = "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns & Roses (Axl LIVES!!) 5) "Olfactory Perception Detects Something Akin to Enthusiasm within the 12-21 Age Group" = "Smells Like Teen Spirit" from Nirvana 6) "Djinn Dwelling Within a Liquid Container" = "Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilara 7) "Conceived to Move One's Legs in a Rapid Motion in Order to Achieve Forward Motion" = "Born to Run" by Bruce Springsteen 8) "Adoration Defined As a Meadow Teeming with Bovines" = "Love is a Cattlefield" by Weird Al Yankovic... (this was my ringer. I KNEW nobody would figure it out) 9) "The Person I am Talking to Directly Really Should be Aware" = "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrisette 10) "The Illegal Narcotic Performance" = "The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson 11) "The Unlit Face of Earth's Natural Satellite" = "The Dark Side of the Moon" by Pink Floyd 12) "Dispense a Bit of Sweetener Upon My Personage" = "Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leopard 13) "Father, Please Refrain from Mounting Your Soapbox" = "Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna 14) "Our Society Is About to Knock Everyone Listening on Your Asses" = "We Will Rock You" by Queen (Freddie RULES!!!) 15) "Sought After, Either Departed from the Mortal Coil or In Reasonably Good Health" = "Wanted: Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi 16) "Wayne Ferris's Gimmick If He Was Born a Female" = "Honky Tonk Woman" by the Rolling Stones 17) "Citrus Fruit That Makes a Great Summer Drink When Mixed with Sugar" = "Lemon" by U2 (I thought this would be tough, but most got it.) 18) "Intercourse Kind of Object" = "Sex Type Thing" by Stone Temple Pilots (they might just save Rock) 19) "Evil Sinking Down to And Into the Marrow" = "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood. 20) "Society, as a Whole, All Have a Secret, Not Including the Author and the Author's Primate" = "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey" by the Beatles Out of EVERYONE (yeah, all 5... I guess nobody likes the Closer anymore.) who played, only one guy got them all... so for this week... DALE GLASER IS OUR GOD!!!! That's it for the openers. Let us hurry right along. This week's a busy one for me, and I haven't the time for too much recapping. So things will be very quick this week. Quick and painless. If I was still at the old place, I would take this week off, but seeing how Trey said that they probably would have closed down the site were it not for me and that Lo Phat chap, I feel responsible to get something out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RAW IS WAR (or: Can YOU think of a better man to be the "Hardcore" champ?) -opens with the ending to "Walker: Texas Ranger". I hear Chuck's making "Missing in Action 4: Maybe The Gooks Took My Career?" -The WWF IS "One World"... and nobody has the balls to quit if Vince vetos an idea -opening theme -Opening fireworks and screaming fans. Just once, I would LOVE to tune in and see 19'000 fans make NO sound and stay seated. Just to see what Ross would say. -Oh.. wait.. I'm sorry. We get that at the beginning of Nitro each week. Oops. -Ross asked the burning question... "What kind of tight Jean hustling MORON would walk out of the only wrestling company who would hire him now because they decided NOT to take one of his million suggestions?" -Then he asked, "Will the Rock, the Undertaker, and Kane be able to regroup and show unity against the FACTION??" (wait... WAIIIIT!!! THAT'S JUST WHAT HE SAID LAST WEEK!!! WORD FOR WORD!!!! IS SOMEONE YANKING MY CRANK HERE??????) -to this day, I still have no clue what a "crank" is... or if I own one... or if it's even yankable. -They are live in Nashville, Tennessee. I've had a throwdown or three at Printer's Alley back in the day. I'm down home when I need to be. -and I've had lap dances in Nashville that almost qualify as Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. -Ross promised that tonight shall be a "Hellacious ride". Who else here would be pretty damn thrilled if Ross never used the term "Hellacious" again? -Kurt Angle came out because the WWF is ALL ABOUT WRESTLING!!!! WE FOCUS ON THE "SPORTS" IN "SPORTS ENTER... oh forget it. -Angle has a mic. He announces that "You're Olympic Hero and All Around Good Guy" (F%$#... knew I should have copyrighted the title) is here. -He says that he's been all over the world (and not a single stop to Alaska or Hawaii... the red-headed stepchildren of the Mainland... don't you think Anchorage would FREAK at a good "Nitro" or a good "RAW"?), spreading good cheer (oh, I'm fairly sure he conveniently missed the exit going into Compton, Los Angeles. "Man, F&^%$ dis white boy's cheer... let's hook us up wit dem gold medals"), and he has to say that it's GREAT to be here in Nashville, Tennessee... home of "The Nashville Network: America's Country Home!" (MY DALE!!! ANGLE'S TURNING FACE!!! HE'S TURNING FACE!!!) -The Nashville Network... TNN for short. Is Vince SURE he wants RAW sandwiched between reruns of "The Dukes of Hazzard" and a double shot of "Hee Haw"? -The Duke of Hazzard... JUST A GOOD OL' BOY!! WOULDN'T CHANGE IF THEY COULD... (except for that one season where they changed into younger, cheaper, lamer boys and changed their names to "Coy" and "Vance"). -I'll tell you right now, if Roy Clark starts showing up in the RAW audience... I will convert to Nitro and NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!! -Back to Angle. He's been all around the world, and he's seen Rednecks all around the world... and he has to say... that these people are the only GENIUNE Rednecks in the world... It's True, It's True!! D'OH... he was a heel all along. Damn. -Speaking of Rednecks, Angle's opponent could be the "biggest Redneck of all time". (Dear Dale!! THEY HIRED RYDER????) -Oh... wait. It was Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Lawler said that "anyone with two first names is usually a redneck", (Hmmph, I'm sure David Lee Roth, David Allen Grier, Keenan Ivory Wayans, Michael Jan Vincent, Eddie Van Halen, and Jon Bon Jovi might protest) -Angle said that Buh Buh had a thing for tables. Well, Angle knew that Nashville has a thing for tables too. Like, for stacking Welfare checks on (now THAT'S a scam I'd like to get into). Or maybe for inbreeding on? (now THAT'S a scam I'd like to get into). -Angle likes tables too. He has a very special table. One to hold his newly one King of the Ring Crown. (I have a special table too... I use it to mix my "happy powder" with some Baking Soda and sell it to Rich, White Suburban teens at a so they can get all "Eminem" on their parents. Hey, money don't grow on trees and the Lady NEEDS some Snakeskin Pants!) -Angle insisted twice that he was telling no lies, then added a "Yee-Haw" to make dem country boys feel all welcome. Wait until Billy Ray Cyrus hears about this! -Buh Buh comes out working the hurt rib gimmick. We see that DX had jammed them both in a Dumpster and pitched them over the entranceway drop. Somehow, it just didn't have the same effect without Sunny out there to cry her eyes out and search the Dudley's pockets for "just a little something to tide me over." -Of COURSE he had to have a hurt rib... there's no way a Face TAG TEAM wrestler could be beaten by some loser SINGLE'S HEEL CHAMPION WHO ONCE WORE TWO TITLES AT ONCE!!! So naturally, they needed some handicap for Angle. -Do you realize that if Angle wins the whole she-bang, I will have to admit that Rick Scaia was RIGHT??? Oh Jesus Glaser all F-ing mighty... next week will be a dark week indeed... indeed -They lock up, Angle quickly rolled him up for a two count. -COME ON BUH BUH RAY!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SONOFABITCH!!!!!!!!! -Buh Buh got up and slapped Angle in the face. Lawler acted as if he just peed on Elvis's grave. -Backstage, D-Von Dudley was watching. Ross made sure we knew that he was Buh Buh Ray's "half-brother"... then astounded me by saying, "Ain't know way we're letting them damn mongrel mulattos in the comp'ny" (Jeeze dude, get with the times!) -Buh Buh turned a lame ass backdrop attempt into a powerbomb. -Angle countered with a Belly to Belly Suplex from the top rope. -It spilled outside. Buh Buh was tossed into a rail and howled. This might be the first time I have EVER used the word "howl" in this column. -Angle suplex's Buh Buh on the ramp. -It gets back into the ring. Angle misses a top rope moonsault. Buh Buh bounced back with a clothesline, and a "Full Nelson Lift and Drop On Ass" thingy. Where it will REMAIN a "thingy" until the Japs can think of some name that only Joey Styles can pronounce. -Angle went for the Russian Suplex (you "rush in" and suplex the bastard). -Buh Buh fought back and went for the Superplex. Ross mused that Dudley must be "as sore as the dick ins" (Whose? Where? And for Glasersakes WHY?) -Buh Buh tried for a 3D... but Angle pushed him away. Buh Buh bounced back off the ropes ("Oh No, Inertia!! NOOO!") and walked into an "Olympic Slam". Angle wins. (DAMMITDAMMITDAMMITALLTOHELL!!!!!!) -Backstage the Fuction (*snort*) applauded this. Not because they had any involvement with this particular match, only because ALL DUDLEY'S MUST DIE!!!!!! -Vince tells everyone to get going for their in ring eternal monologue segment, wishing X-Pac good luck against Benoit tonight. X-Pac clapped Vince's hand, then did that finger sliding move made popular by the Brothers, and by Donna and Kelly at the end of almost every 90201 opening. Pac says he don't NEED luck... ‘cause he's in the Clique and the Clique OWNS THIS COMPANY!!!! (Poor boy... one concussion too many). -Vince trails as some of the Faction leave. He is ambushed by Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson. They hand him a Fax. Gerald says it's from Vince's Wife. Pat reminds him that his Wife's name is "Linda" and that she's the "CEO". Vince sneered at Pat. Which all makes sense once you accept the fact that Vince can't POSSIBLY NOT have something going on the side. Come on... get real. -commercials. Tom Green pushes "Right Guard"... I'll be happy when he's over with. -Jean Claude Van Dam says that June is a Good Month in USA. Hey jerkweed... EVERY MONTH is a good month in the Good Ol' USA!!!!! -Triple H and Stephanie come out with Shane McMahon, Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and Vincent K. Everyone hit the ring Triple Ann Heche had the mic. -First on the agenda, he gave Patterson and Brisco crap for botching up the simple task of taking a photo of Kane. "You boys can't do the simplest thing. You go get coffee, and burn yourself. You go bring a new recruit to his Hotel room, he ends up on the phone to a lawyer with a small, shaved rodent lodged in a bad place! Can't you guys get anything right?" Pat kept pointing to Brisco and blaming him. -HHH had other fish to fry, so they get a break tonight. He turned to Shane and said chances are that neither the Rock, Kane, or the Undertaker can get along long enough to actually work together at KOTR, so it's a safe bet that Hunter will have NO #1 contender to deal with... and after the King of the Ring, he might just end up wrestling himself. (yes, judging from ALL reports and a few NASTY photos... he really is Hunter HUGE Helmsley) -HHH and Shane hug. Shane takes the mic and waits out a few "SHANE'S A PUSSY" chants (speaking of the Pussy... hasn't this absence gone on long enough? As much as I really enjoy holding up this site, I could use a little help here.) -Shane's on the stick He insists... in -I'm sorry, but I just saw a commercial on network TV where Philip Morris, Craft, and Budweiser, sponsors a "Meals on Wheels" program that reminds us that Senior Citizens get a hot meal AND daily company... it... moved me. -Aw geeze... now I'm crying. I miss my Grandma. I miss her so F-ing much. -Oh F-me... I'm a mess. -Shane got on the stick and said that he was NO pussy, he was a "Giant Killer". Then he talked up the faction and how the Rock's team don't stand a chance in Hell. -We see footage from "Smackdown" where the Undertaker was arrested (yeah, but in Chicago. Full of lousy radio losers, Pizza you need a Daledam SPOON to eat, and packed with punk ass BITCHES!!!!! Within 2 minutes of arriving, The UT had three Prison Wives, all the screws, and total control of the Drug Trade.) and Rocky & Kane got beat up decisively -Vince, who spent the entire segment staring at the FAX with those Old person glasses, finally spoke up. He assured us that he still loved his Wife very much, even though she is a "Miss Goody Two Shoes" (gots to give up that BUTT, Linda) who keeps meddling in his affairs. -Vince won't deny that his Wife sent him a Fax just now, a Fax that reminded him that she was the CEO of the vast McMahon Empire (Isn't it getting awfully tough to believe Vince's claim that he's a pauper up against the Mighty Time Life Conglomerate?) -Vince also said that Linda's fax questioned the collective size of the Faction's Grapefruits. HHH mockingly peaked down his trousers. Patterson had a look too. -Vince said that Linda questioned the Faction's constant interfering in matches, causing problems, starting headaches, and making millions of viewers who are sick of this wonder if maybe Nitro isn't all THAT bad a show. -So, Linda challenged Vince to make the winner of the 6 man tag match NOT the #1 contender, but the WWF Champion right there and then? -Then Vince said that Linda made a personal attacked and wondered if Vince's own personal "grapefruits" haven't grown to the size of raisins? (damn ‘roids... IT'S NOT LIKE THE FDA WARNED HIM A MILLION TIMES!!!!!) -So, feeling attacked and threatened, Vince decided that yes indeed, whoever won the 6 man match at KOTR will damn well be the new WWF Champion!!! Which, naturally, upset HHH worse than the day Chyna told him she stopped taking estrogen. -BUT... in order for Kane, the Rock, and the Undertaker to get this stipulation... they would have to all win three very special matches booked for tonight. Kane will have to fight the Hardy Boyz. The Undertaker will have to fight "Bull and Bradshaw!" (WHAT???) -Vince, "After BOSSMAN and Bull later tonight... the Rock will have to meet T & A", (*whew*, much better). He also promised that there will be NO interference from ANYONE in ANY of these matches. -He finished up by asking his wife... "HOW ‘BOUT THEM GRAPEFRUITS? HUH??" -The music started as HHH bitched away. -commercials -Backstage, Triple H bitched some more. Vince told him to hold up his two ends and he'll hold up his own. Shane tried to play peacekeeper. Stephanie looked GOOD with her bare shoulders all exposed like that and her hair cascading down like Godiva on her horse. I bet her ass turns pink when spanked. -X-Pac came out with Torrie ("A pack of Luckys and I'm yours") -Chris Benoit came out. They are going to have to try real hard to make this match suck. -X-Pac greeted Benoit with a couple of Crotch Chops. Benoit responded by turning around, bending over, and manually making his buttcheeks talk (DAMN that Jim Carrey... he's got his entire HOMELAND mimicking him!) -X-Pac snapped a headlock on Benoit, Benoit pushed him into the corner, X-Pac maneuvered around and chopped Benoit. Benoit chopped back. X-Pac went down. The building screamed, "WHOOO". Then everyone in the entire building shaved their heads. Mindless SHEEP, the lot of them. -X-Pac with that Spin Kick. Benoit soon bounced up and chopped him again. he followed that with a back body drop. -X-Pac recovered and tossed Benoit out of the ring. -They fought outside for a bit. It went back inside and X-Pac held on to a headlock (Dale... someone's paying homage to those 40 minute Headlock-fests known as the "Santana/Valentine Feud!") -The best part of that feud was when Tito started using the Figure Four as HIS Finisher... but HIS was so nasty, so deadly, so LETHAL... that he needed the Referee to UNHOOK his leg after the bell rang!! How retarded. Like every wrestling fan in grade school didn't have that hold MASTERED by then. -Once I talked my Dad into letting me put him in the Figure Four. He no sold it. Then HE put my ASS in HIS version of the Figure Four, (more like Figure Five). You better believe, I sold it... -I sold it. -X-Pac went for a pin. Benoit kicked out. Benoit found himself resting down in the corner. X-Pac went for it. Benoit rolled out of the way. -X-Pac took a snap Suplex. Then Torrie climbed up. Benoit went over to her. X-Pac tried a sneak attack. Benoit moved. Torrie was knocked down. Benoit with the Dragging Suplex (if I owned a Scanner... there would be a picture of my asscheeks right here for you to kiss). X-Pac kicked out with mere INSTANTS to spare!! -Benoit with the Crossface... Pac got his foot under the ropes. -Benoit lifted X-Pac up for a Tombstone position, and gave X-Pac a Shoulder Breaker (It's silly for them to bar that and the piledriver. Really, they are two of the safest, easiest to gimmick finishers in the business) -Benoit missed with the Flying Headbutt. -Then, the Dudleys ran out and chased Torrie. X-Pac went for the "X-Factor". Benoit grabbed him and tossed him up like a Sicilian throwing Pizza dough. X-Pac went down. Benoit snapped on the Crossface. X-Pac tapped. Benoit won. Clean win. -Good match. Helped along by the fact that you just don't see X-Pac jobbing out so cleanly these days. -The Dudleys attack X-Pac. Road Dogg ran in. DX caught the upper hand, Torrie got to kick Buh Buh Ray in the ribs a few times. Still, Road Dogg is the biggest loser in this ring right now... he used to be PUSHED!! -Backstage, Eddie was still all frisky and... ugh... Konan at his WORSE was never this bad. Chyna told him to take this next match seriously and that for tonight only, she was NOT "Mamacita". -commercials. "Rocky and Bullwinkle" should bomb out for two reason... A: DeNiro looks and sounds ridiculous and 2: SUPERTRAMP???? FOR DALE SAKES WHY?????? -a spot for the "X-Men" film. I REALLY recommend that you check out that review at Ain't It Cool. No, I am NOT Harry Knowles... but if you know what he looks like, then I'm SURE you can think of a few wrestling writers who might fit his description. -I'll give you a small teaser about this review... according to the critic, a more suitable name might have been, "Wolverine and his Amazing Friends". (He didn't say this DIRECTLY... but the impression was certainly there) -and no... it's not a hatchet job. -Be sure to thank me for pointing this out to you (yeah, like AIC doesn't bury myself, and pretty much every Wrestling Web Site in creation combined in terms of readership. Knowles really needs MY plug... HAW! Right.) -Backstage, DX DEMANDS to Vince that they want the Doodys at KOTR. Vince agrees... and decides to make it a handicapped match by adding Torrie into it... and decided to make it a Table Match... and decided to make it a Handicapped Table/Dumpster Match. HHH showed up to sarcastically applaud Vince on being fair. -Chyna came out with her giant metal rocket launcher. Fellas, if the Wifey/Girlfriend needs something like that. You might as well give the relationship up right now and go find some Virgin who doesn't know any better... because you AIN'T gonna compete. -See, Chyna looks GOOD now. She looks soft, feminine. That's a head I wouldn't mind staring down and seeing the top of. -Footage from Chyna on the "Leno Show" (if you call it the Tonight Show, I will FIND your phone number and post it on ICQ... if not... well I'll post SOMEONES!!!) -Nice to see Leno hasn't tried to improve his interviewing skills one bit in the 7 years he's been doing this. -of course, Chyna air kissed Samuel L Jackson. Mexicans are okay, but no Blacks... what an ignorant WENCH!!! Maybe she has a Swastika tattooed on her chooch? -in all fairness, Sammy wasn't exactly hauling ass to get some of Chyna's thang. Boy makes Tarantino movies... he's got a REP to protect. BOOYAAA -All I know is that Chyna once did the Craig Kilborne Show... and we were subjected to 5 minutes of her chewing gum. Lucille Ball soundly slept in her grave that night. -Oh... how much... HOW MUCH would you PAY to see Sam Jackson lean over and say, "Excuse me Jay, but I gots to know... Baby, do you have a penis?" -Eh-dee comes out. Looking guilty. (common expression for our friends on the other side of the Southern Border) -Difference between Canada & Mexico: Canadians take my friendly jibes at them with good humor. Mexicans think the "World Wide Web" is a huge Drug Cartel located in Columbia. -Eddie doesn't seem to be taking this seriously. -The bell rings. Eddie hugs Chyna. She pushes him away. (Chyna's been so standoffish ever since Britain left). -Chyna extends her hand for a shake. Eddie kisses it. Chyna slaps him. Lawler killed me by saying, "Hey, HEY!! Remember last night at the Marriot!!" (Ahh, if I went for option #2, my name would be "Chris Marriot". #3 was "Chris Radisson". #4 was "Chris Holiday Inn" and of course, #5 was "Chris Motel 6") -now if you're sharp, you'll see an in column reference to this line later on in the column. -Eddie with a headlock on the Woman. Now THAT'S being a Mexican, BABY!!! -Chyna with an hip toss, followed by a Powerbomb. If more Senoritas did that... the population would die out. -Eddie gets Chyna in the corner and winds up. Chyna sticks her finger out and says, "Don't do that!!" Eddie screams, "Ay Yi YI, choo wan me to be serioso or not? Make up your meend!!" Chyna puckers her lips and asks for a kiss. Eddie tried to oblige. Chyna grabs him, thrusts him in the corner, and lets the forearms fly. -Chyna does her Handspring Elbow thing. She follows that up with a Gorilla Press Slam. Eddie goes down. Chyna is breathing heavy. She used to be able to do that without breaking a sweat. Now she looks like Clubber Lang in the third round of the rematch. -Eddie bounces off the ropes. Chyna drops to her knees and sets up the Crotch Shot. She stops herself. What we have is the visual of Chyna on her knees in front of Eddie's pelvis region. -Mommy? -Chyna stands up. Eddie drops to HIS knees. What we have is the visual of Eddie on her knees in front of Chyna's pelvis region. -Daddy? -As Dale as my witness, I don't know WHICH scene is responsible for the raging hardon I am currently sporting. -Eddie begs Chyna for her hand. Chyna gives it to him. Eddie yanks her down and cradles her. Chyna loses. Chyna is upset and rolls away. Eddie has the same look usually reserved for Police men who pulls over his Cadillac at 3 o'clock in the morning. -Backstage, Edge tells Christian that beating Jericho tonight will be all sorts of "awesomeness" mostly because it will not only get him in the KOTR, but it'll also get them in tight with the "Factsheen". He asks Christian if he'll come to the ring with him. Christian says no, because he has a meeting tonight with the editor of "Tiger Beat" He got the meeting through a "friend of a friend of the guy who knows the Cousin of the Editor"... (and wouldn't you know, that friend is Kevin Bacon!!! THE GAME IS LEGIT!!! WE ALL ARE CONNECTED TO HIM!!!!) -Edge is cool with this. -in every issue of "Tiger Beat", from 1985-1989... we were GUARENTEED 1) "Alyssa FINALLY speaks of the Boy who broke her heart" and B) "Those crazy Coreys UP CLOSE!!" -commercials -Backstage, a weeping Eddie simultaneously begs Chyna for her forgiveness AND does more to harm the Good Mexican Culture than a MILLION jokes I could EVER dream up. -If Eddie was a PROUD MEXO!!! He would have Chyna bent over that chair right now and would be dropping his Chalupa right all up in that. -Instead, Eddie regains her love by giving her a Puppy. Jesus H Glaser... why didn't they pony up for a Chihuahua? It would have made more sense. -Edge came out. If those teeth were any whiter, they'd be burning Crosses in people's yards. -Jericho came out with a microphone. After welcoming us to his show, he said that he wanted his Jerichoholics to take out their cameras... "because standing, right over there... for the benefit of those of you with Flash Photography, is a Hanson Haired, Cheesily grinning, Bonafide JACKASS!!" ("Hanson haired?" uhh... hello?) -Jericho, "But seriously, Edgeword (HAW!!), I know you want to be on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine and as far as I'm concerned... you're a shoo-in... because who knows more about ‘beating'... then YOU... TIGERRR??" (ahhh, that damn Jericho... he's what Gram Gram would call a "Hot Sketch". Gram Gram... I still remember the brown streak that lined each and every one of her nightgowns) -The Bell rang, Jericho caught early advantage with chops and backdrops... well... one backdrop. -Of course, what is REALLY pissing edge off is that HE was supposed to be what Jericho is right now. -Jericho plants a top rope dropkick. Edge dumps outside. -On the outside, Edge catches Jericho with a Spear, which is something Goldberg is more than happy to tell you was ripped off from him. Classy guy. Doesn't he know making dumb claims like that is something that only Internet writers should be allowed to do? -Back in the ring, Jericho just beat the ten count before rolling in. Edge ties him up in the famed "Tree of Woe" -Edge chops Jericho. Lawler gets ion the subject of Linda McMahon and says that "A Woman CEO is the same thing as a dog walking on it's hind legs." Keep in mind that this is coming from a guy who spent much of the 90's picking up his dates after seventh period. -Edge mounts the top rope and drops down on his feet. Jericho hits him with a dropkick. Silly, silly, SILLY. -Jericho goes for the "Lionsault"... Edge picks up his knees. -Lawler reminded us that Steve Austin got his career started at KOTR... as did Triple H. Neither man saw fit to mention Mabel and/or anyone with the last name "Hart". -I can't even recall who won last year? No... not Shamrock, that was two years ago. -BAD ASS BILLY GUNN!!!!! I think. Oh yeah, his career took off... it took off right to rehab. -Jericho went for the Double Powerbomb, but Edge turned the second one into a Sunset Flip. -Lawler remembered back to when he "crowned" Bret Hart... (okay, so I SUCK... f-you) -Jericho goes for the Walls... and I'll be damned, Edge tapped out. -Jericho celebrated outside with fans. He stood next to a small sign sporting his name. Remember when he used to grab those sign, tear them up, and scream, "DON'T PATRONIZE ME??" Why can't they bring those days back? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT CHRIS????? -Backstage, HHH tells Bossman and Buchanon that they had better get their heads in synch (Bye Bye Bye) because it's HIS title on the line... or some nonsense. How come they don't have Old Bags conceiving Hands for no apparent reason anymore? -The Undertaker is in the building. -commercials. Rating must be down for "Farmclub.com", because this spot just featured female ass and lots of it. (meaning, several different assesessz... not one giant ass) -Ross points out that several members of the Tennessee Titans were on hand. I completely forgot who won the Superbowl this year. It was that uneventful. -The Undertaker rolled out... courtesy of Kid Rock's new album. I hear Britney Spears wanted to get her CD on RAW TV, but UT would look pretty damn stupid rolling down the aisle on a motorcycle to "Oops, I Did It Again!" -Of course, he looks pretty damn stupid now, doesn't he? -Not that he looked like Einstein when he was all dressed up as a Dead Guy. -The Bossman and the Buchanon come out. It would've been nice if the Bossman reminded us that the last time they tangled, he was HANGED BY THE NECK AND ALMOST KILLED!!!! -we are shown how UT was arrested at Smackdown. -UT and BBM lock up. We see Kane watching. -BBM and Bull bicker a little. UT takes full advantage. -Bull eats punches. -UT goes for a back body drop. Bull flips over him and lands solidly on his feet. (Wow) -Anyone else think that the Undertaker has now completely taken over Kevin Nash's entire ring style? -UT lifts Bull up for a Tombstone. BBM comes in with his Nightstick. BBM hits BULL with it, then walks off. UT chokeslams Bull and scores the pin. -I know the UT isn't really at his best right now, and you might be prone to say he sucks, but remember this... the UT is always at his best when he's up against someone who excels at making his opponent look good. -Backstage, HHH is still bitching. Vince tells him to "just chill". This is the same man who used to call an Elbow to the Head a "Noggin Knocker". -Rikishi is backstage. He walks into Scotty. They both agree not to take the next match personally. -commercials. Did you know that getting Mel Gibson to STAR in a film about the Revolutionary War cost more than the War itself? -FX's Toughman Show will feature Pro Football Players vs Pro Wrestlers. Let's just hope they aren't using the moron who played Ventura in the bioflick. -We are in Nashville... again. Leave your teeth at the door. -We are told that Jesse Ventura was at a House Show on Saturday. -Then Jesse did a few soundbites where he said that he was NOT running for President, but if he were... Chyna would be his running mate (I tell ya', Admiral Stockdale would have RULED as Veep). -How is Jesse doing in Minnesota anyway? That state still around? -Scotty 2 Hotty comes out. -Rikishi comes out for a KOTR Qualifier. -We see Rikishi and Val Venis go at it in a wild beef at Smackdown. Think those two had something to prove? -The bell rang. Scotty did the thing that all small guys do against behemoths. He peppered away with punches and kept bouncing up whenever he was pushed down. -Rikishi got down to business with a Superkick (err... nothing too terribly "super" about it) and a powerslam... but not in succession. -Hotty kicked out after a legdrop/pin try. -Want prove that these guys are friends in real life? Rikishi lied there and let Taylor do the entire Worm Sequence. Bless his Cholesterol filled Heart. -Rikishi kicked out of the pin attempt tho'. Hey, I love my friends (I have friends?) too, but I'd knife them in the balls if there was a buck involved. -Rikishi did that Vader Bomb Drop and won it. Val Venis ran out and attacked. -Grandmaster IrefusetosaythewordSexay ran out and broke things up. -Backstage, The Undertaker confronted Kane and told him to go do that voodoo that he do so well... dude. -commercials -Shawn Michaels threw out the first pitch at a Diamondback game. Nobody confused him with Randy Johnson... on or OFF the mound. (The Big Unit ain't the prettiest of sights) -The Hardy Boyz came out. -Kane came out. He went through his whole schtickla. Matt was seen standing outside and muttering, "Oh F-Me." -The Rock was seen backstage watching this. -The bell rang. Scotty did the thing that all small guys do against behemoths. He peppered away with punches and kept bouncing up whenever he was pushed down. -replace "Scotty" with "One of the Hardy Boyz" and this makes total sense. -Kane tossed the Fairy around. -Kane went for the Tombstone, Matt and/or Jeff backed out of it. Kane followed up with a Gorilla Slam. -The other Boy was tagged in, and dropkicked Kane in the leg. That strategy didn't last. -Kane had someone up in a sidewalk slam. -Kane went for the Flying Clothesline. Glaser... if he were to re-break his hand and start crying like a baby, how could ANYONE be able to call him "a Demon Spawn from HELL" with a straight face? -Then again... what kind of moron can call him that with a straight face under ANY circumstance. -Kane had them outside and tried to backdrop one of them back into the ring. Those damn ropes bounced him back and he hit Kane with a DDT. That move, they kept. Probably because the Rock still uses it. -The Blonde Hardy went running across the guard rail, and jumped right into a chokeslam attempt. The other Boy hit a Plancha to stop it. -Wild double teaming ensued -Kane withstood it, and grabbed one of them upside down. He tried for a Tombstone, but the guy was off balance. So he just Powerslammed him. -Kane chokeslammed a hardy and one it. The other Hardy had gotten up, saw that he'd look damn foolish standing there watching his brother get pinned, and fell right back down again. If they keep this up, I might start thinking that wrestling is FAKE??? -Backstage, HHH was more fidgety than Scaia at a Whore House (Hey, if Angle wins next week and I have to pay him props, I'm taking my shots NOW!!!!!!) -Vince was all like, "Just chill yo'!" Then offered to spark up some doobage, pull out some Steely Dan, and admire the Vinyl cover art. -commercials -I don't know why, but that spot where the "King of Queens" girl pitches motor oil gets me HOT!! She looks like a non-ragged out Alyssa Milano. -The WWF represented well in some auto race. Hey, I saw "Days of Thunder"... I wasn't impressed. -backstage, HHH whines to Stephanie. Stephanie had no lines. -Crash Holly comes out. We see how Crash hooked up with "Shaft" on Smackdown. -To the surprise of nobody, it was Patterson who came sniffing around after "Shaft" told Crash that it was his "duty to protect the booty". -Sammy J looks GOOD for a 50+ year old guy. -Hardcore Holly comes out. Lawler and Ross do the obligatory riff on "Shaft is a Baad Mother..", "You shut your mouth." -It's cousin against cousin for the KOTR qualifier. -Lawler broke into a little "Old School: Schiavone Style" when he said that this year's King of the Ring might be "THE BEST KING OF THE RING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -It was going along smoothly enough when... -Gerald Brisco came out with a referee and Patterson. Patterson mounted the ring apron and said to Hardcore a few times, "WHY DON'T YOU COME GET ME, BOY!!!" (sigh... too easy) -Meanwhile, Brisco hit Crash with something from behind and Hardcore was DQed. Hardcore was steamed and ran into the ring. Pat ran in too and attacked. Hardcore attacked back. pat went down. Meanwhile, Brisco laid on top of Crash and got a three count. he was the new Hardcore champ... again. They played "Real American"... which never ceases to crack me up in this context. -Hardcore, meanwhile, knocked down crash again, then stormed off. He said, "That's a load of CRAP, Tim." Part of me thinks Hardcore should have jumped companies with Russo... the other part sees how incredibly F-ed up WCW is and thinks he's probably better off staying put. Neither part thinks he should go to ECW. Funny enough, a TINY part of me thinks it would be a hoot if Hardcore went to XCW... or whatever that other stupid company is called. -commercials -moments ago... well, you remember what happened. By now, you've read at least 4 recaps about it. -Backstage, Pat sheers Brisco's victory. Pat promises to "take you to that place in New York you wanted to go to." (Well Hell, who says Gerry's too old to "experiment"?) -But first, Pat plies Gerry with some champagne. Then he pours some on his head. Brisco is blinded. pat hits him with a champagne bottle. Gerry goes down. Pat pins him. Pat gets up and gives Gerry the Crotch Chop... Oh Dale People, isn't this like... EVERY SINGLE DATE YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON??? -Pat is the new Hardcore champion. Like he wasn't the unofficial champ yesterday... or last week... or last year. -Ross and Lawler promote a BIG press conference concerning Lawler, Memphis, and the XFL. I bet Lawler will promise to plow a cheerleader during every home game's halftime. -Backstage, Stephanie lectures T & A about the importance of winning their match tonight. She looks at a bored Test and asks, "Do you understand me?". Test snottily says "Whatever, Steph!" Hunter slaps him in the face. Test gets pissed. HHH tells him to bring that intensity to the ring. Don't you think BOTH men could get hotter babes? -Michael Cole talks to the Rock. Oh, you can piece together what he said simply by watching old tapes. -commercials -T & A come out with her Tittiness -The Rock comes out. -We see the Undertaker WATCHING THE LAKERS/PACERS GAME!!! HOW DARE HE!!! ON COMPANY TIME!!!! -friggin' Shaq... he didn't deserve it. he only made league MVP and Series MVP... bah!! -Bob Costas said it best when he said that Larry Bird will probably "have nightmares about L.A. for the rest of his life." The boy simply can NOT get LUCKY in So Cal. -They get going. Rocky tosses Albert around. Including a resounding thump on the Announce table. -He clotheslines Albert. Then turned around and was clotheslined by Test. -Kane is watching the MATCH. He doesn't care about hoops. He is a Soccer fan. Must be a homo too. -Rock didn't recover from that Clothesline and was worked over. -Albert screamed something that was bleeped loudly. Even Lawler was taken aback by it. It must have included the F-word. -Trish started to choke Rocky against the ropes for a while. -Trish distracted the Ref as Rocky went for a pinfall on Test. Albert hit him with the Ring Bell. -Rocky fought back and hit Test with the Rock Bottom. Albert ran in and facilitated a tag. -Rocky fought back. He punched away at both men at once. He even spat on his hand twice (not all Rocky moves kick ass, okay?). -Albert was dumped out. Test took a... a... I have no idea what it's called anymore. SPINEBUSTER!!! That's it. -People's Elbow... and a win. -Backstage, HHH was in full freak. Vince told him to "chill ‘till Smackdown". -Rocky celebrated some more. We catch a sign promoting "Farmclub.com" (are you KIDDING me?) -the show ends. If you like RAW in general, you liked this one. If you don't like RAW in general. You didn't like this one. The one constant here is that this week's column sucked. We can ALL agree with that. I wonder how a Russoless Nitro did? Chances are, it did the same as all the countless Nitros that Russo wasn't a part of . Spot judgments before actually seeing what I'm judging is my stock-in-trade... in case you hadn't noticed after three years of this.