Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I'm dancing as fast as I can! 6/22/98 "You know, I used to enjoy your column when it was just about recaping the past nights festivities. It wasnt about openers, closers, who your fav actresses are, what your ex-girlfriend did, how loaded you got last night... etc. Also, you go on like Nitro is a complete waste of time, yet you always give the night to it. And you seem to fast forward through the closing minutes of Raw cause you "tired" but like to fill up half the page with mindless drivel that has nothing to do with either show, or the wrestling business in general. And another thing, I used to laugh at your little jokes and comments. Then I heard them over and over and over and over again. Chris are good at what you do. Being a writer myself (and I am, I work for a Paramount TV show) you seem to have a good grasp on your article, but please!! Its getting really bad!! Get a job, a life, a new car, and some p&^%y and maybe the most imprtant thing in your life won't be a half ass wrestling article on the internet. Oh, and by the way, Zimmerman kicks your ass." Xammus: Mop-Up reader, big time TV writer, and all around studmuffin (geeze, you'd think a TV writer would spellcheck?) And that was the EDITED version! Hello again. I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. The best place on the web for tired old jokes freshly recycled week after week after week. This is a very special edition of the Mop-Up..a CELEBRATION of sorts! Like he reported yesterday, one year ago, the great Al Isaacs took pity on a young lad with delusions of mediocrity and a willingness to dedicate some of his free time to recapping Monday night 'rasslin'. Yes indeed, this week marks my one year anniversary on the web, and more importantly, on the biggest wrestling web site of them all. This week, the Mop-Up is exactly 1 year old....and I am 1 year closer to sweet sweet death (oh take me now...PLEASE!!!). In honor of this occasion, I am proud to announce that I have cracked open the first of several beers...and plan to keep on going until the VERY LAST DROP!! It's the Mop-Up's birthday and Hyatte's gettin' drunk....IMAGINE the possibilities! Just a couple of opening notes, first of all, I want to thank my new buddy Rob for having me on his radio show Monday afternoon. I feel like a total prick though, because for the LIFE of me, I can't remember his call letters or his frequency (maybe I shouldn't have slammed down that quickly 6 pack before hand). I DO know that it was out of a College radio show in Boston. If Rob would be so kind as to e-mail me all the pertinent info, then I would be happy to plug the crap out of it. As far as my first "on air" appearance went, I just hope I didn't embarrass myself too much, 'cause I had fun doing it...and at least I thought that I did okay..(BEEFEATER??). Good folks over there, and as soon as I get them, I'll let you know when and where to tune in. The formation of the Rat Pack has shifted into full gear. Next week, I SHOULD have the first four members posted here...I would have done it this week, but I was too busy researching past Mop-Ups for this week's anniversary closer. So it SHOULD be next week..or maybe even the week after that..or maybe even the week after THAT. We both know that you'll wait. That'll do it for this week's opening notes. Not a Hell of a lot, but F-IT...it's been a slow week. Besides, I got a HUGE closer all locked and loaded at the end of the Raw recap, so you can get yer asses all psyched up for that. For right now though, it's time to do that thing I've been doing for the past 12 F'K'N MONTHS (OH GOD HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). It's time for me to put on my Kettle costume and proceed to call all the other Pots black. It's time for me to pull the wings off the Fly that is Monday night. MY GOD, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO REVEL IN THE RADIANT TRUTH THAT EVERYTHING BISCHOFF DOES IS PHENOMENALLY STUPID!!!!!!! (to be honest, Vince runs about 50-50 in this category). In other words, loaded with a full arsenal of the same jokes that you have been constantly reading for the last year, it's time to RECAP!!!!! Kicking off the night is the fun filled, laugh a minute, shameless hypefest that is..... NITRO (or I am completely naked right now) Proving once again that I can give credit where credit is due, I cheerfully state that in my humble muthaf% ^$# opinion, the publicity that WCW engineered with the Rodman/Malone angle has been nothing short of BRILLIANT. Getting Hogan and Rodman on Leno was one thing...but getting Malone and Page on it the next day was a stroke of PR genius. Of course, I have TONS of thoughts on Leno's douchy little show and what happened...(even though, and I SWEAR..I didn't see either show) later on in the night. But the promotional blitz was well done. Now let's shred the fu%$ all to Hell. - opens with brief footage of the press conference dealing with the Bash at the Beach main event. The sound is out so we can BARELY hear Tony begin the hype right out of the gate by calling it the BIGGEST MATCH OF ALL TIME!!!!! (Alright, show of hands...how many people thought Sting vs Hogan at Starrcade was supposed to be the BIGGEST MATCH OF ALL TIME!!!!!? Well guess what....WRONGO! - for roughly 5 seconds, the sound was screwed up, making Tony sound inaudible...for those 5 seconds, I damn near did a dance in my living room....HOORAY!!! No Tony for tonight!!!! - ....alas, t'was not meant to be...the sound kicked back in and Tony was back to screaming bloody murder for all to hear. - opening theme - Tony and the boys welcome us to Jacksonville Florida with a fireworks display. Tony promises all sorts of hype concerning the GREATEST MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF THE POST INDUSTRIAL AGE. - Larry takes his bows as Tony brings us..... - footage of Rodman and Hogan chairshooting Diamond Dallas Page from two whole weeks ago. - Then he shows us footage from the Leno show....(Jay Leno hosts the "Tonight Show" about as much as I host the "Uncle Eric Fan Club"....the ONLY host of the "Tonight Show" is Johnny Carson....and if YOU have a problem with that, I will personally molest you with my Lex Luger "Vibrating Action Figure"...Carson was/is/always will be the MAN!!!) - Mean Gene was in the ring as DDP's music played up....he quickly brought out the man for a chat... - DDP talked about exactly what he should talk about these days....Banging his wife with his Worm.....now just take out the word "wife", the word "his", the other word "his", the word "with", and add the word "the" and you got it. - By the way....I saw a LOT of signs for something called "Big Ape and the Morning Zoo"...obviously a hot morning radio show in Jacksonville. I never heard them, and can probably live a nice, long life without ever hearing them...but I can pretty much guarantee that they are MUCH funnier than Mancow. - Oh yes...for those who accuse ME of incorrect grammar...at one point, DDP said..and I quote, (talking about Hogan), "Over the past year and a half, I ain't forgot nothin'." - more teasing clips from that EXCITING PRESS CONFERENCE!!!!!!! (ooooh...can't wait for the FULL COVERAGE!!) - commercials - the Nitro Girls forget about ALL there troubles with contract disputes for one shining evening and just dance, dance, DANCE! - Tony forgets about ALL his comentating integrity for one shining evening and just plugs, plugs, PLUGS. - We got FULL Press Conference coverage for tonight...FULL Jay Leno footage tonight, and Hell..we even threw in a match too..just because we love you...(and your ratings)...Bret Hart vs Chris Benoit...(which can even knock ME off my jaded ass....if done without any screwjobs..but it's Bret Hart....he is a man of TRADITION!!! HE won't screwjob anybody!). - Well, at least they got this out of the way early....a Nitro Party clip held in what looks MUCH like a jail cell. (That offer from me to personally gratify someone orally still stands if you send a Nitro Party video in of you and your friends snoozing while the show is on). - Uh oh...here comes trouble...a deadly entity known ONLY as Lynn Denton? Look at how MEAN he looks....looks like Bischoff picked another winner! - and he's even taking on Disco Inferno!! Here comes the deadly LYNN DENTON push...be warned! - then again...... - Disco won it with a PILEDRIVER!!!!! (Who the Hell wins with a Piledriver anymore???). So, maybe I was wrong about Lynn Denton....but the GOOD news is that we very well be driving face first into an honest to goodness MIGHTY DINF PUSH: PHASE IV...(which is NOTHING even CLOSELY resembled to "Operation: Get Dustin Over Phase III"...no, it's NOT I tell ya'...it's not..NO, NONONONO!!!!!!!!) - Mean Gene promises us a real MAMAJAMA of a surprise...(it's the ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!!! IT'S THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!!!!) and he brings out....... - Kevin Greene..............oh no not again. - Dear God...Sweet Jesus..whyowhyowhyowhy - Well, he's back....and he's been taking lessons from Piper on how to suck up to the crowd...complimenting the Jacksonville Jaguars up and down..then went for even more cheap heat (which is the only heat this guy can get outside Carolina..or wherever he's playing...How many teams has he played for? Not the most loyal monkey in the barrel is he?) by saying that he used to be Goldberg's roommate back in the day. - Gene went on to interview Greene about football. I actually heard the crowd yawn. - Oh Thank God....Curt Hennig and Rick Rude came out to tell Greene the same thing that was on all our minds....WHO GIVES A CRAP????!!!!!!!!! The piped in chants of "GOLDBERG" came over the loudspeaker. - Which led to a Giant sneak attack by the...um..Giant. - The NWO White walked away pleased with themselves...Greene got himself up and screamed something at them..I wasn't too sure, but it had the word "freakin'" in it. - Then Greene gave chase backstage, which made Nitro give chase to a heaping helping of... - commercials - Tony announced that "something baaaad" happened backstage during the break.....but LUCKILY, the cameras were there to catch it in all it's glory....but first, we had to see... - what just happened again...(for those who checked out the USA Network...hoping against hope that RAW started early this week). - THEN they took us to what happened... - Mongo, Benoit and Arn Anderson were holding Greene back while the Giant called him on...JJ Dillon, who seems to be racing Tony to see who can get fatter quicker (Tony is a lock) screams that they'll bump a few hypes off tonight's schedule and put these two in the ring tonight. - Oh My God! Who the Hell is this? Some Japanese guy wearing black silver with PINK trim by the name of "Tokyo Magnum" walked down to the ring.....Tokyo Magnum.....Tokyo Magnum.....Tokyo Magnum....(insert your sick little Magnum T.A joke right here). - He was fighting Yuji Nagata.....don't need to be the Amazing Kreskin to read your minds here....moving on.. - Tony announces that Stevie Ray has vaulted from his locker room and is currently looking for that "white honky Canadian biiiaaatch"......(Why in the world would Alanis Morrisette be at a Nitro? And why would Stevie Ray be looking for her?) - OHHH...not "biiiaaatch" as in ugly ho...."biiiaaaatch" as in Chris Benoit...whom we see getting stomped stupid by Stevie. Finally, 3 old, white WCW security boys pull Stevie away..(yeah..like that would happen)....as well as....Dillenger (oh..now THAT makes sense). Stevie tried to fight them off, but one look from the cold cold eyes of the Dark Prince Dillenger...and he backed off. You don't argue with Dillenger....not THIS close to the "Harvest". Dillenger has a date with dark destiny...and he has no problems taking us down with him. Souls will be torn, spirits will be burned...and as we all wallow in the pain of our sins.....Dillenger will be laughing..oh yes, he will be laughing. Stevie Ray ain't no fool...he backed right off. - commercials - video thingy dealing with Raven and one of his little rants. I'll say this about Raven...by letting him control his gimmicks to a certain extent, Bischoff has created one of the very BEST mid-card bad guys in the sport today. - Unfortunately....Raven has to deal with a Flock filled with heatless morons....including Sick Boy and Horace....who is WAAY too bald to be considered ANYTHING CLOSE to a "Disillusioned Youth". Lodi is along with them, with a sign reading, "4 Get What U Know"....which may very well be a little shot at that Horseman reunion hinted at last week. - They were taking on Public Enemy..who has been seen in SO many matches lately..that I suddenly have a very STRANGE feeling that Bischoff MAY be gearing them up for a........gulp.......push? - They set up their obligatory table, then proceeded to have a a straightforward, no special stips, match (the local Wal~Mart must have been fresh out of cookie trays). Part of me was THRILLED that we didn't have to bear witness to yet ANOTHER Bischoff version of an "Extreme Match"...then there was the other part..who realized that there were four guys in that ring who nobody in their right mind would care about.....both sides of the human psyche loses here on Nitro. - By the way. With RAW only minutes from airing, Tony told us that with the "double main event" (Kevin Greene in a main event? They are PUUUUUUSHING it!), the Leno show footage, the COMPLETE Press Conference footage, AND Goldberg scheduled to beat the living piss out of someone tonight in under 10 seconds, we would have to be a pack of brain dead RETARDS if we were NOT in complete agreement with his declaration that this week's show is the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - quite frankly...I don't even KNOW if that damn table was used....all I know is that one of the Pubes pinned Horace for the win. After the match, Horace was screaming, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM????? WAIT UNTIL I TELL MY UNCLE ABOUT THIS GODDAM JOB!!!!! I AIN'T NO CHRIS BENOIT YOU KNOW!!! - more fun from Planet Hollywood - commercials Chris Hyatte
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