Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

When printed, this doubles as rolling paper. 6/22/98 - Half the Nitro Girls were wearing NWO White...the other half were wearing NWO Red...they had a danceoff...the winners...WCW..who had nobody representing them...the losers....anyone who had to watch it. - Mean Gene was in the ring.....and brought out Bret "The Hitman" Hart for a chat. Bret came out to NWO music..which is miles better than what they used to bring him out to. - In the ring, Bret proceeded to trash talk Chris Benoit, and found some sort of segway to turn it into a rant about being screwed by Vince McMahon. - okay, so now we go to the Leno show. By now, you all know what happened, so I won't get into it..but I will say that other than telling jokes, Jay Leno has lifted about 98% of his act from David Letterman..only he does it badly. He only wins the ratings because A: NBC is on more stations than CBS and B: Leno appeals to old people who like their comedy devoid of any teeth. 15 years or so ago, David Letterman had the exact same situation on his show with Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman...the difference...while Leno got between the four men and laughed about going to commercial, Letterman sold the crap out of the segment and helped make the heat look real. It's not a shot at WCW at all...(other than the fact I have a brand new reason to hate Bischoff..for keeping Rodman's name in the news for WELL PAST HIS ALLOTTED 15 MINUTES). - What is that I hear piping in from the soundspeakers? Well, it could only mean one thing.... - Out comes Goldberg...who added a new wrinkle to his ring entrance by breathing smoke through his nose during his wait at the pyro display.... - then Tony Schiavone said some thing that brought me CLOSER TO KICKING IN MY TV SCREEN THEN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - He said...and I quote...(talking about the fans in the building and watching at home)..."They are SEEING THEIR HERO, LITERALLY BREATHING FIRE!!!! LITERALLY THE UNDAUNTED, SUPERMAN HIMSELF!!! GOLDBERG!!!" - In case you missed it...Tony called Goldberg "our hero"... - let me tell Tony Schiavone, Eric Bischoff, and anybody else who are trying SO FU% $# DESPERATELY TO RAM THIS GUY DOWN OUR THROATS AS THE BIGGEST THING IN THE SPORT OF WRESTLING!!! I have NO problem with Goldberg personally...Hell, I hope he goes on to huge success..who cares, so what...BUT HE IS NOT MY HERO!!!!!! HE IS NOT YOUR HERO!!!! HE IS NOT ANYBODY'S HERO!!!! HE IS A GUY FULL OF STEROIDS WHO KNOWS HOW TO POWER PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR SHOES AND SCREAM!!! "Our Hero"....F- YOU SCHIAVONE F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!! HERE'S AN IDEA.....HOW ABOUT GOLDBERG PAY A COUPLE OF FRIGGIN' DUES BEFORE WE HOLD HIM UP AS THE EMPEROR OF THE GODDAM UNIVERSE!!!!!! - sorry about that....but when I heard that, I almost quit watching wrestling right there and stopped writing this silly ass column...I can't take that kind of crap..and I never could. - I mean..how DARE Tony call Goldberg everybody's "hero"...you want a hero in wrestling? You want somebody to inspire you? How about Austin? Who slaved for 7 years before hitting it big! Or how about Arn Anderson? Who quietly entered the sport, worked his guts out every match, reached a degree of fame, then quietly left. What an assh*%$. - On his way to the ring, Goldberg saw a young blind girl. He gently laid his hands over her face, then pulled them away..the girl looked up at Goldberg's face and said, "I CAN SEE! I CAN SEE!!!! OH THANK YOU MR. AUSTIN!!! THANK YOU STONE COLD!!! Goldberg promptly speared her ass right into the Gulf of Mexico. - Goldberg fought Rick Fuller...it was about half as long as my rant above. It was fun watching the fan's faces after the match...with NONE of them chanting "GOLDBERG"..even though it was coming through loud and clear. - some fan outside claimed to be a fan of Rodman...(he must dream of having a white woman someday) - commercials - Now that the orgasmic Goldberg had left, Tony and the boys were smoking cigarettes as they pumped up the Bash at the Beach... - Mike Tenay talked to some fans outside in a pre-recorded bit...looking for the "pulse of the fans".....I wonder how many takes it took before they were able to stifle all the fans screaming "WE WANT RAW, WE WANT RAW" I also wonder how many Gin and Tonics Tenay gulped down before lugging his ass out there to talk to the unwashed scum who know nothing of the Luchadors. - Now HERE'S a sight for sore eyes.....the Wolfpack comes out to have some fun. Luger and Savage wasn't there though. - In the ring, Nash gave me a chuckle by saying that "Goldberg killed Kenny"..... - you know...now that Konan's into the Wolfpack..that little sucker is starting to grow on me....you can't deny, the guy loves what he's doing. - Then Sting did a bit with a dummy dressed in NWO White...(no, it wasn't Beefcake). - Finally, Sting challenged anybody out there to a tag match later that night..if they feel up to it. - more fans outside tickled pink to be on camera...that's the last time I bring that up. - commercials - Did I mention that we were deep into our second hour? Well we were. - For those of you who think I am too hard on Tony Schiavone, I offer this..he said, and I quote, "In two weeks, the BIGGEST NITRO EVER at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta." Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it. - Bobby Heenan joins the hypefest as Alex Wright (never has someone returned to action with such a pitiful push) dances to the ring, then tried to rape a young female WCW employee at ringside...(hey, that's what I saw anyway). He was taking on Eddie Guerrero. Chavo Guerrero snuck up behind Eddie in his way to the ring...now the Hunter becomes the Hunted, the Teacher becomes the Student, The PIMP BECOMES THE HO AND EDDIE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! - If Tony broke away from pushing the PPV to actually cover the Guerrero/Wright match....it was AN ACCIDENT!!!!!!!!!! - Wright wins the match when Eddie is distracted by Chavo, who has a mic, a mouth, and a psycho gimmick that I KNOW came from the sick mind of Kevin Sullivan. - After the match, Chavo goofed around some more and stalked Eddie backstage and stalked us into some... - commercials - Y'know, this Eddie-Chavo angle intrigues me mainly because I can't WAIT for Eddie to beat this punk up BARRIO STYLE!!!! - Konnan came to the ring to take on Scotty Riggs...just for fun, Bischoff said that the loser of this match would have to shine all 65 pairs of Eric's Bruno Maglis with their tongue....I'll give you a hint...the guy who does NOT have a WCW contract lost. Need another hint? The loser had a nice eyepatch to shammy Uncle Eric's shoes with. - commercials - they showed some of the proceedings from the press conference...go somewhere else for the info....not that you aren't smart enough to figure it out all by your lonesome - commercials - The Nitro Girls did their thing as I did mine and went to the bathroom. Tony pushed the Nitro Party and had the balls to call it the "Nitro Phenomenon" - Third hour fireworks.....There IS a GOD...and he's a gag writer. - The returning Stevie Ray took on the returning Mongo. The returning fans switched back to RAW.....quickly. - Call me crazy...but I could've SWORN Mongo tried a CRYONIC KICK!!!!...of course, it pasted Stevie Ray somewhere near his lower thigh...but Mongo gets an A for effort. SO RIVETING was this match that we had to wait for some... - commercials - before we could witness the finish...which was a standoff between Benoit and Stevie after he tried to get a chair involved. Booker T. came in to soothe his brother's savage breast....(Do what you will with that comment). Mongo won by countout by the way. - commercials - the announcers kill some time until... - oh well this is the Cherry on the Sundae that is Nitro...out comes Hogan, Steiner, Beefcrack, Elizabeth, and of course...Uncle Eric. Hogan gave Bischoff a kiss on the cheek..but Eric couldn't do anything about it.....(Goldberg had already come out by then...and well..you know...Eric isn't a young man anymore) - Oh, I can't pass THIS up...Tony asked, "What would a Nitro be without...this group huh?" - The answer..and sing along with me kids, "The BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! - I must admit..I am quite proud that most of the internet (even those damnable "objective" guys) rallied around the fact that Bischoff is a total douche by being proud of taking out Savage...instead of putting another wrestler over and having HIM take the claim (Hennig could've used the heat). So I'll be charitable for once and let it go. I've been screaming about what a jagoff Bischoff has been since DAY ONE...and by now, EVERYONE BELIEVES ME!!! - Now, do you REALLY need to hear what everyone said? Do you REALLY need to know? Do you?? You do?? GET A LIFE YOU MORONS!!!! Good Lord..It's HOGAN...it's the same friggin' thing he's been saying for the past two years. Push the PPV for all it's worth and take full credit for it's success. - commercials - footage from Thunder between Benoit and the Harlem Heaters...(now that's an odd thing to do before his match with Bret Hart? Stevie Ray has nothing to do with this match!) - Benoit hit the ring for his match. Hart followed suit. The announcers predict this to be the GREATEST TECHNICAL MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF NITRO!!!!!!!! - The match is on....were this held in the WWF, it would be the stuff of legend...but alas...Sullivan is running around backstage...pray for Benoit. - This is Hart's type of match...hard edged mat wrestling with no silliness. And he dominated. - And he dominated. - And he dominated. - commercials - And he dominated. - And he dominated. - Then Benoit took the offensive... - And then the WCW Booking took over and Stevie Ray appeared. He distracted the ref. - Bret clocked Benoit with a foreign object (must have been a Canadian object..the bastard). Benoit went down. - Now THIS was cool...(Bret must have improvised). Bret rolled Benoit on TOP of him for the pin..then kicked out, Then Bret put Benoit in the Sharpshooter. That's all you need to know. - commercials - Tony and the boys reminded us about what happened with Kevin Greene and the Giant. - Michael Buffer told us to get ready to rumble...(He's calling a KEVIN GREENE MATCH??????? AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE???????) - The Giant came out smoking a cigarette.....The Sandman must be having conniptions right about now. - Kevin Greene comes out and goes on the attack.....it took about 60 seconds when.. - The NWO White comes out (sans Hogan) and the beat down is on... - out comes STEVE AUSTIN!!!! MY GOD, AUSTIN HAS COME BACK TO.... - oh for Chrissakes....let's not and say we did...Goldberg came out and quickly speared two NWOers. Everybody else ran like Hell. - They stood in the ring for a bit, then Kevin Greene screamed something about the Bash at the Beach. You can take it from there. "Our Hero"...oh puleeaze. I liked the Hart/Benoit match for what it was worth...and that was about it. Is there a PPV scheduled for July? I didn't hear them say A DAMN THING ABOUT IT IF THERE IS!!! Go check out RAW...I'm going to go check out my nose hair and see if I need a clippin'..go ahead and start without me. Chris Hyatte
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