Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Read the Nitro Mop-Up first 6/22/98 Okay, okay..they had their fun. Vince and the boys have enjoyed a smidgen of success against the corporate choo choo train that is WCW..but with the AWE INSPIRING PRESS CONFERENCE, THE SENSES SHATTERING LENO APPEARANCE, as well as GOLDBERG...WHO IS MUCH BIGGER THAN AUSTIN COULD EVER DREAM OF BEING....and let's not forget KEVIN F'K'N GREENE...who is MUCH better than "Puke". Yessiree....WCW has Vince by the pecker...and there is NOTHING VINCE CAN DO TO STOP THE JUGGERNAUT!!!!! ESPECIALLY WITH A PRE-TAPED RAW!!!! Let's see what they can do anyway... RAW IS WAR (or I'm still completely naked right now) - little recap of all the crap that went down last week. - Good Lord....it's Paul Bearer at his home watching the show in a bathrobe!!!! (Sorry ladies...he's married!) - opening theme - fireworks and rioting fans welcome us to Austin, Texas (wouldn't it be funny if they all chanted "GOLDBERG" when Austin came out?). Good Ol' Jr barely has enough time to tell us that we are only 6 more strokes away from the orgasm that is the "King of the Ring" when... - out comes Vincent K. (The answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind...and so is my hairpiece...DON'T JUST STAND THERE BRISCO...GET IT!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!) McMahon. (Call me crazy, but haven't we already seen this about a BILLION TIMES??????) - Vince hits the ring and promptly introduces the "next World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion"....Kane.. - So, out comes Kane. - we see Paul Bearer take a sip out of his Diet Coke while watching.... - Vince does his damnedest to pump up the PPV main eventer by telling Kane that his match with Austin will bring him all sorts of inner peace.... yadda yadda yadda, squakata squakata squakata... - THEN Vince announces that this match will be a "First Blood" Match....the one who bleeds first loses the match and contracts AIDS..(Magic Johnson will be the guest referee) - Kane then put a Voice Synthesizer to his throat and proceeded to talk for the first time...(Geeze..now we know why he died huh? But you'd think that Satan would have at LEAST given Kane his voice back....either that or he sounds like Mike Tyson in real life and that would just KILL any momentum he has going. - So, Kane (who was STILL more articulate than Dennis Rodman) also promised to "set himself on fire" if he loses the match.......Again with the fire? Geeze..Kane just LOVES to be a "flaming fag" doesn't he? (Look it up...it makes sense). - Jimbo and Michael Kole go through their carefully prepared SHOCK at these developments..then go on to push the rest of the night's festivities. - Kicking things off...the Italian named Ken SHAMROCK (What's more ironic than that? Try a FAT Irishman with bleached blonde hair going by the name "Fit") hits the ring to take on all 400 plus of Olympic glory known as..Mark (I won the Gold in Atlanta for Hot Dog Eating...no wonder Patterson had me hired) Henry. Before hitting the ring, Shamrock took a second to "Knuckle the Zone"...(I used to do that..then I dumped the bitch). The match was on.. - BUT NOT UNTIL...Slaughter and the boys tossed out the rest of the Nation before they could start something Slaughter was active all night....he was PLENTY miffed at the US losing to those Iranian MAGGOTS in Soccer and wasn't taking ANY GUFF FROM THESE LONG HAIRED HIPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....(you MUST understand...since Slaughter is WELL into "Hoganland" when it comes to follicle placement...EVERYONE with a few strands is considered a long haired hippy). - THEN the match was on..... - BUT NOT UNTIL A COUPLE OF... - commercials - THEN the match was underway....Henry came on strong, but Vader came up out of nowhere (ie: the backstage) and kept his claim to being the ONLY fat piece of sh*& in the WWF by knocking down Henry....a belly to belly suplex won the match for Shamrock. - Kevin "Peeps" Kelly talked to Shamrock after the match. Figure out what he said...I was too busy staring at his missing tooth....(Somewhere in Jacksonville, Florida...Chris Benoit saw his dental work and screamed, "HEY YOU MUTHAF&%$#$@ CO#$%^&# SU@#$! ^% DAGO BASTARD!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MATCHES I HAD TO JOB TO IN ORDER TO LOOSE MY TOOTH???? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU GODDAM HOSER??? TAKE OFF EH!!!! Nancy Sullivan had to apply her "magic touch" and calm him down....all of which was witness by Kevin Sullivan, who immediately booked Benoit to job to Glacier next week). - We see that the "Edge" is watching these things from the balcony..or..dare I say it..the RAFTERS!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!! THEY RIP OFF EV.........oh...I'd better not......maybe I should give that line a few weeks off. - We ALSO see that Paul Bearer is sitting at home....looking for something...(Did'ja check under yer third chin Paul? Bet'cha it's there!) - commercials - X-Pac comes to the ring with Chyna and under his kick ass personal theme music to take on none other than Dustin Runnels. As he goes through his Crotch Chop shtick, ol' Dustin was busy in the corner, praying to Jesus for the will to win...(praying to the bookers ain't gettin' him anywhere). - Just to show to EVERYBODY that he is now a Babyface, the AFKATAFKAG offered the AFKA6FKA123K a hand to shake.....AFKA6FKA123K offered the AFKATAFKAG a pee pee to...well...you know.....I'd say it but...familypagefamilypagefamilypage. - For X-Pac, this match was better than the last one with HHH. His kicks were sharper and the bumps were harder...everything just ran smoother. Good match, well done. Of course, X-Pac won after Chyna interfered (Runnels "forgave" Chyna for her interference...which led to a face full of boot for the win.) After the match, Dustin AGAIN offered to shake hands. X-Pac offered him something in return. Dustin said another prayer and it was over....except for the realization by all of us that all this prayer and forgiveness is just another chapter of the ongoing saga known as "Operation: Get Dustin Over Phase III......(which is nothing like......aw..who am I kidding..it's EXACTLY LIKE THE MIGHTY DINF PUSH" PART IV OKAY!!! HAPPY NOW?? IT'S THE SAME EXACT FRIGGIN' THING DAMN YOU..DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - Paul Bearer at home..he says that he will be at the KOTR next Sunday....and that's about it... - commercials - Jerry Lawler hit the ring....all sorts of steamed over whatever the Hell the script has him doing these days....he brings out Al Snow. - Someone comes out dressed as an old woman....GOOD LORD!!!! IT'S KEVIN SULLIVAN!!!! HE'S FINALLY SNAPPED AND NOW THINKS THAT IT'S 1995 ALL OVER AGAIN AND HE'S FEUDING WITH HULK HOGAN!!!!! MY GOD!! THE MAN IS SENILE!!!!!!!!! - Oh...wait a second..it's Al Snow and Head dressed as an old woman....why, I have no idea. - In the ring, Snow makes some comment about "chicken fingers" which was way too lame to repeat here then is offered a meeting with Vince McMahon if he can beat Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor at the King of the Ring in a tag match. If he lost the match, he would have to leave the WWF. - In what is the COOLEST part of Snow's gimmick, he basically said "fine, if I have to lay down and do the J.O.B. in order to talk to Vinnie, then fine, let's get this over with."..and he promptly laid out on the mat and patiently waited for Too Much to come on out and grab the pinfall ("Come on guys...pin me, pay me."). - But when Too Much came out, Snow sat up and clobbered one of them with the Head..then ran outta there, yelling something to Jim Ross before ending his segment. I'm tellin ya'..Snow is gonna be HUGE....once he gets rolling...(There is at least ONE guy reading this who is screaming, "TELL ME HYATTE...WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT AL SNOW??? I DON'T GET ECW SO I DON'T KNOW!!!! WILL YOU TELL ME FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...nope...I ain't sayin' heeheehee. - Kevin "Peeps" Kelly stands behind Steve Austin's dressing room door and promises that the poop is gonna hit those propeller thingys before the night is over. - commercials - Another look at the "Edge" waiting in the shadows for his debut.....(mmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy GGGGGGGGGGoooooooooooooood tttttheeeeyyyyy rrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiipppp offfffffff evvvvvvvverrrrrrryyyyyyttttt........WHOA...GOT IT!!!! I was able to stop myself before it was too late.....whew) - "Marvelous" Marc Mero comes to the ring to take on Jeff Jarrett...both Jacqueline and Tennessee Lee were there as per usual. The two corner people tussled a bit, distractions were a'plenty, Sable came out....stared at Mero...Mero started back....one thing led to your mother and...Jarrett was the winner. Screw it...I pick Jarrett as the dark horse winner of the KOTR. - Kevin Kelly talked to Double J after the match.....take a wild friggin' guess. - commercials - To a HELL of a pop...the New Age Outlaws came to the ring as Road Dog went solo against Kane...they were able to go through their customary I-can't-believe-they-are-so-over introductions when.. - The lights dimmed and Kane came out. Road Dog may have had problems jobbing to Rob Van Dam back when he was Jesse James but he had NO such problems dropping shoulders to the Fake Diesal....it wasn't very pretty, but Roady put on a good show. - Jim Ross talked to Paul Bearer at his home (or backstage..whichever suits your fancy)...just as Bearer was getting into a rant.. - we hear a woman scream....(either that or it was Patterson, getting the old "gerbil" treatment) - Then Bearer screams... - MY GOD!!!!! IT'S AUSTIN!!!! AUSTIN GOT DRUNK AND NOW HE THINKS HE'S RELIVING THAT WHOLE PILLMAN GUN ORDEAL.....SOMEBODY, GET THE GUN, GET THE GUN, BLOW HIS STONE COLD FACE OFF!!!!!! - of course not....it was the Undertaker..who yelled something about "remembering where Bearer lived" and then proceeded to WOMANIZE the fat bitch. I'll tell you, some of those punches sounded REAL. UT nearly fell on his ass at one point (bet'cha that's where he really hurt his ankle), but still managed to trash the joint, and a whole mess of furniture. - commercials - footage of what just happened. - Jerry Lawler has been there for a while by now...in case you were wondering. - Okay, so Adam Copeland..aka the Edge came out to fight Jose from Los Boricuas. Ross called the Edge a "tortured soul". Unfortunately, this was the match where Jose took a real bad bump when the Edge's knee crashed on the top of his head while performing a Somersault Plancha and wrenched the damn thing. So, out of respect..(I don't want to see ANYONE really hurt...no matter what I feel towards them...except for Bischoff)..we'll just leave this segment by saying that I counted about 6 different gimmicks and angles that the Edge is RIPPING OFF, BY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry..that one just escaped out of me). Try to name them. - backstage with Kane and Mankind...Mankind was trying to calm Kane down as Kane apparently was attempting to SLASH HIS THROAT BY USING AN ELECTRIC RAZOR?!?!?!?! (Good grief) - commercials - another shot of the bump that Jose took. - Dan Severn (all pumped for his gig later that night with his Queen tribute band) comes to the ring to fight Owen Hart....since Owen is, of course, a Black Heart, he was about to sing a few notes from his always rousing rendition of "Bring It On Home", but Severn was pressed for time, so they just got it on.. Too bad for Owen, Severn was not distracted by any radio ga ga. Instead, he was a man on the prowl and tried to ride the wild wind headlong to King of the Ring glory. There was no innuendo here as Owen put up a tough fight. At one point, Owen wanted to tear it up by grabbing a chair and doing some damage, but Severn took the chair away and tried to use it instead. The ref knew that we were all god's people and didn't want that type of damage. As Owen waited for the hammer to fall on Severn, X-Pac showed up and showed Owen that it's a hard life by beaning him with a chair from behind. Severn then tied Owen up in a submission hold. Owen said, "I want to break free" but couldn't, so the match ended and Severn won. - (For those select few who can see what I'm doing here with Severn's matches....you are the coolest people in the world) - Owen was sporting some blood on the back of his head as the rest of the Nation...(by the way, the SIGN OF THE NIGHT went to the one that read, "OWEN, YOU ARE WHITE!! GET OUT OF THE NATION!!") - commercials - The Nation was still in the ring. The Rock called out DX for a little payback....DX came out... - so did Slaughter and his crew...who promptly blocked off DX....X-Pac tried a move where he backed up a few yards, than tried to sprint to the ring..but the Sarge caught him..(You wanna try that AGAIN you skinny hippy?? GO FOR IT!!)....all this foolishness eventually broke down into a set of.. - commercials.. - THEN broke down into a straight up match between the Rock and Triple H. So they jammed a bit.... - It was a good enough match..including a rather stirring spot where Chyna gave Maivia a DDT, only to watch him kick out of HHH's pin attempt. Eventually, a low blow got Maivia out of the Pedigree attempt, which he followed up with a Fisherman's Suplex (They should have called it a "PerfectPlex"...which would have pissed Bischoff off to no end) and a surprise, screwjob free end....(SCREWJOB FREE??? THOSE BASTARDS!!!! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE ANYWAY????? WCW CRUISERWEIGHTS??) - BY THE WAY...WHY AM I yelling? That's better...by the way, a Nation/DX brohaha broke out after the match...in case you didn't see it coming a mile away. - Mankind was still watching as Kane vainly tried to slash his throat with an electric razor...either that or his WWF contract states that he must wear his mask at all times..even when shaving. - commercials Chris Hyatte
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