Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Relax, it's almost over. 6/22/98
- Mankind was in the ring...delivering an always entertaining monologue that I am too damn tired to print here...but the thing is..
- so..they set up a Hell in the Cell cage on top of the arena (I didn't mention that little tidbit at all tonight did I? Well there was one there..and Jim Ross made a couple of mentions about it, but nothing was promised)...and as Mankind was rambling on, they lowered the cage to the ring....then as soon as Mankind was finished, they raised the sucker right back up....making it the most useless visual effect since Mike Tyson (and Eric Bischoff...for those of you who live for any chance I get to take pot shots at everyone's favorite Uncle).
- So, the cage went up and Bad Ass Billy Gunn came out with Chyna to jam with Mankind (who is a Hell of a lot funnier than Mancow...for those who live for any chance I get to take pot shots at nobody's ((outside Chicago)) favorite DJ).
- So they jammed....the old crazy ass veteran vs the young up and commer. A quick Mandible Claw later and Mankind won. Decent match really.
- As HHH and Chyna came out to check on Bad Ass..
- Mankind was seen running back to the dressing room to check on Kane..only Kane wasn't there.....uh oh...you know what this means....that's right......
- it meant that Sable was on her way out (whaa? try to make THAT connection...I DARE ya'!)
- Sable calls out "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...who comes out wearing yet ANOTHER BRAND NEW T-SHIRT!!!! THAT'S RIGHT KIDS, FOR ONLY $99.99 YOU CAN COMPLETE YOUR STONE COLD T-SHIRT COLLECTION AND BE THE TALK OF YOUR SCHOOL...BUY THE SHIRT NOW AND JUST WATCH AS EVERY GIRL IN YOUR SCHOOL PRACTICALLY TEARS OFF YOUR LEVIS AND MOUNTS YOU RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MRS. DEXTER'S SPANISH CLASS. BUY NOW YOU PIMPLY FACE FAT GEEK AND BE A MAN FOR ONCE..BUY, BUY, BUY!!!!!!!! COMES IN LARGE, X LARGE AND XXX LARGE!!!!!
- In a VERY interesting note....as Austin was running to the ring...GOLDBERG was running to the Nitro ring to take on the NWO...Bischoff is finally testing Goldberg out head to head with Stone Cold....the quarterlies should be VERY interesting.
- So, after Austin shows Sable how to keep every finger but her middle one closed, then told her to give that message to Vince McMahon backstage....
- Then he started in about kicking ass and taking names...just a little bone thrown for the audience. It wasn't his best...just standard average stuff here. Right around the time where he accepted the "First Blood" match....
- Kane came out and stared at him...Austin stared back..Kane raised his arms, dropped them...and...
- Austin was DOUSED with a gooey red substance... (HOLY SH&$....SISSY SPACEK HAS JUST JOINED THE WWF..AND SHE'S GUNNING RIGHT FOR AUSTIN!!!! CARRIE IS BACK BABY!!! AND SHE IS P.I.S.S.ED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- WAIT A SECOND..IT ISN'T SISSY SPACEK!!!!!! IT'S PAPA SHANGO!!!! KAMA HAS HAD ENOUGH OF BEING THE GODFATHER SO NOW HE BROUGHT BACK THE VOODOO MAN!!!!! PAPA SHANGO IS BACK!!!! GOD HELP THE RATTLESNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!
- Had enough of this crap? Me too...the show ended with Kane squawking about how the next time the blood will be real. Jim Ross must have had some of that "blood" smear on his papers because he said, "MY GOD, THE CARTE BLANCHE. Lights out.
Let me see. Just about every match on Raw was a good one. Each match could very easily see itself on a PPV, and a few of them could at least make it to a semi-main event. Hell, even the Edge's debut was too quick to add up to much. There wasn't all that much storytelling, and I'll bet that they kept Austin off intentionally just to see how the show holds up against Nitro without their number 1 guy. Meanwhile, on Nitro..we had Public Enemy, Horace, Sick Boy, a Goldberg squash, Yuji Nagata, Tokyo Magnum (ugggg douchechills..right down the spine) and press conferences/Leno appearances. Listen, we are only TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE NITRO THAT WILL SINGLE HANDILY CHANGE THE COURSE OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM AND BRING MANKIND INTO THE NEXT PHASE OF OUR EVOLUTIONARY EXISTENCE!!!!!!!!!!!! So it really doesn't matter if Raw wins this week..which it did. Nothing will ever matter again once July 6th rolls on through. Closer time, then go rest up for the cataclysm.
One year ago, a sad, lonely man sat in front of his PC and proceeded to butcher all grammar and syntax in an effort to tell you all about what happened on Monday night. He had one goal in mind...to condition his ass into enduring 7-9 hours on a rock hard chair once a week. Well, I didn't accomplish that goal yet...my cheeks still be as sore as a hooker's on "Butt Tuesday"....but that didn't stop me from churning out a column week after week after week. Sure, I missed a few weeks...but on the whole, I've been there....knee deep in the crap, sniffing for stuff that nobody else on the 'net deemed noteworthy but I found hilarious...(I won't take credit for much, but NOBODY quoted lines from the announcers until I came around). Sometimes it's been fun....and other times it made me stick my head in the oven and crank the dial to Broil. Still...to put things in perspective, let's take a look at what I actually accomplished....
# of actual Mop-Up's written by me: 47
# of weeks I took off intentionally: 1
# of weeks I took off because of injury: 2 (the car wreck...and those damn two week old burritos)
# of guest columnists: 3 (okay, okay...I admit it...a HELPED that ex-broad of mine write the column that week)
# of times the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ made an appearance: 51 (I got his name in twice on a few columns)
# of letters I've gotten from the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ telling me to stop using his name: 1
# of times the VILLANOS made an appearance: 78
# of phonecalls I received from various members of the "familia" warning me to stop bringing up the "Cartel" : 78
# of weeks I gave it to RAW: 24 (including today)
# of weeks I gave it to Nitro: 24 (Go ahead...TRY TO PROVE ME WRONG!!!!!!)
# of columns where I trashed Bischoff: Damn near all of them
# of columns where I trashed Vince: 0 (But I'm not biased...I SWEAR!!!!!!)
# of columns where I tried something different: 1 (remember that "backwards" column? Yeah, I tried to forget it too)
# of columns where I explained why I am so hard on WCW: 4
# of beers I've drank while watching Monday night wrestling: Incalculable
# of times I've written the column while totally sh&% faced: 12
# of times I've screamed "MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!: 87
# of weeks Tony declared that we were watching the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Every last one of them.
# of weeks I reported the exact moment when Tony declared this the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: 29 (It took me a while to catch on)
# of times I did an actual "spittake": 8
# of times I WROTE that I did a spittake: 45
# of letters I received from the PETA Organization warning me that dousing a dog with a freshly spittled mouthful of beer (and/or Whiskey) is considered abuse: 1
# of other Web Guys whom I had to slap down for being douchebags: 2 (one you know about...initials NS...the other one you've never heard of)
# of those freshly slapped Web Guys who abandoned their web sites soon after I took them to school: 2
# of letters I've gotten telling me I suck: 907
# of letters I've gotten telling me that I rule: 4
# of letters I've gotten telling me that I should learn how to write: 769
# of letters I've gotten telling me that my use of grammar and syntax is downright offensive to their eyes: 76 (anal losers)
TOTAL # of letters I've gotten that I would consider "hate mail": 1139
TOTAL # of those 1139 folks who I KNOW kept coming back for more week after week: ALL OF THEM...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
# of letters I received from folks who say that they "used to hate me, but I grew on them and now they are huge fans of the column": 32 (You are my favorite readers)
# of HUGE Web guys who wrote to me saying that they like my stuff: 1 (MiCasa...bless his little heart).
# of Web guys who claim "never to have read this column": 7
# of them who are lying: 7
# of columns where I trashed Mancow: 16 (Counting this one..I started late)
# of people who wrote to me and agreed about Mancow: 215
# of people who wrote to me to DISAGREED about Mancow: 3 (average age: 13)
# of people who told me that they preferred Leno over Letterman: 1
# of people who told me that they preferred Letterman to Leno: 90
# of people who are reading this write now and saying, "Geeze..does this go on forever?": ALL OF YOU!
# of people who just read the above and said, "That sumbitch just read my mind!": 6723...(I can see you)
# of people who wrote to Al Isaacs and asked if I REALLY went to Mexico to interview Villano I (The Godfather): 345
# of #'s in this list: 43 (I think)
That's MORE than enough. If you're still with me, I have to thank the following: Al Isaacs: For putting up with my sh*&, for letting me get away with everything that I get away with here..(I have been edited exactly 3 times). Hell, I used to use the same type of language when I was in the Prodigy chat rooms and Bob Ryder PERSONALLY threw me off TWICE.....tight ass
To you, for your continued patronage. Whether you like my stuff, or hate it, you keep coming back every week because either A: I give you a chuckle or two or B: You hate me so much that you HAVE to come back to see how I am peeing on serious wrestling journalism every week. I don't care if you're plotting my assassination...you keep coming back, and I am eternally grateful.
Lastly, and to wrap it up, I have to thank the following people...whose material I have BLATANTLY ripped off over the months:
Howard Stern, David Letterman, Al Isaacs, John Henson, Chris Rock, Berkely Breathed, Ike Turner, Norm MacDonald, Peter David, Jeff Charles, Jim Sullivan, Senator Fred Dalton, Craig Kilborn, Fidel Castro, Holden Caufield, Tom Snyder, Johnny Carson, Dick Hertz, Hugh Ghass, Hans Christian Anderson, Soupy Sales, Jackie Martling, Victor Von Doom, Homer Simpson, Beavis, Butthead, Ghandi, Anwar Sadat, The Shah of Iran, Dennis Miller, Gilbert Godfreid, Maggie Atwood, Geoffrey Chaucer, William Blake, Frank Kafka, Freddy Douglass, Voltaire, General Ho Chi Min, Haywood Jablome, Vinny Bagadonuts, Adolf Hitler, Billy Dee Williams, OJ Simpson, Amanda Hugginkiss, Bob and Doug MacKensie, William Shatner, William Shakespeare, Stan Lee, Billy Ray Cyrus, Puck, Sophocles, Hank Kingsley, Paul Lynn, Pee Wee Herman, Chris Farley, David Spade, Raymond Burr, Guy Gardner, Ron Jeremy, Seymore Butts, Golda Meyer, Mama Cass, Art Gunfunkle, Chastity Bono, Andie McDowell, Roger Moore, Apache Chief, KC and the Sunshine Band, Why are you still reading this?, Madame Curie, Joan of Arc, Joan Van Arc, The Indian from the Village People, Sinead O'Connor, Jim Carrey, Gabe Kaplan, Tina Louise, Shania Twain, Richard Belzer, Bob Crane, The cast of Cats (Now and Forever), Cathy Lee Crosby, John Davidson, Fran Tarkenton, Sarah Purcell, Skip Stevenson, John Barbour, Byron Allen, Insert your name here, Snoopy, Conrad Baines, Patty Hearst, Jm J. Bullock, Shadow Stevens, In the Center Square Joan Rivers, Carl Orff, Jimmie Walker, Pat Cooper, Richard Milhouse Nixon, Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks, Wink Martindale, Marlon Brando, Martin Luthor King, Willy Touchitt, Jewy Jewstein, Linda Fiorentino, Shaggy from Scooby Doo, Wolfgang Van Halen, Ralph Malph, Noruki "Pat" Morita, Patch from Days of Our Lives, Henry Winkler, Lenny, Squiggy, Scott Baio, Tony Danza, Judd Hirsch, Bea Arthur, Frank Sinatra, and Tommy Tune.
Well, I'm out of here. Thanks for indulging me here...(as if you had a choice). Next week'll be back to normal. I'd say more, but I don't want to. I'll be awaiting whatever gifts you want to e-mail to me for the column's birthday..so start sending...just no viruses please...I will be sure to go through everything with a fine tooth Anti-Virus program before opening them. Besides....like I said two weeks ago..why give ME a virus? I'm Hyatte! You know......the COOL one :)
This is Hyatte (damn straight)
Chris Hyatte
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