Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Read the RAW recap first...6/23/99
Mop-Up Nitro
To get prepared for the NEW ERA OF WCW MONDAY NITRO I decided to go to the nearest record store and load up on Rap CD's.....hopefully in order to get into the mindset of the target audience Bischoff is aiming for....
And now....after an hour of listening to the hippest street poets that L.A has to offer..the meanest, nastiest, homiest Gangsta's I could get my hands on...I am truly ready for WCW Monday Nitro!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO 2 legit 2 quit dude.....now let's get BUSY!!!!!!!!!!
Nitro (or: Where Shane? Where?)
-opens with that WCW symbol......the future is now...and it's only drawing a 2.6 share?
-last week on WCW....apparently, the appearance of Sable NEVER happened...it was just a mass hallucination on our part.
-But..she was right there! On live TV!
-No she wasn't
-Yes she was...right there..front row center...Kevin Nash even exchanged a silent glance with h...
-LOOK!!!! THERE WAS NO SABLE ON LAST WEEK'S MONDAY NITRO!!!! THERE NEVER WAS AND THERE NEVER WILL BE SO LONG AS TITAN HAS HER UNDER CONTRACT!!!! WCW IS NIOT THAT STUPID!!!! SABLE WAS NOT THERE!!!!
-okay..okay..she wasn't there
-Show of hands....how many people think that Bischoff got absolutely SCREAMED AT by someone from TNT's Law Department? How many? Come onnnn?
-You can put those hands down now, you morons...I can't see you.
-opening theme....how odd? THIS early?
-shot of a "Hummer" pulling forward.....Randy Savage and his girls step on out from the back seat...Sid comes out from the front and quickly slams the door shut before we can see who is driving it...(Funny, I would have figured that Madusa was driving it...after all, from what I heard, Madusa knows quite a bit about Hummers)
-They walk away....paying little regard to....
-The Limousine that was slowly creeping towards them.....the Limo stops...
-Out comes Kevin Nash..who proceeds to chase the Hummer ON FOOT as it drives away.
-He gets OUT OF A CAR so he could chase another car ON FOOT!?!?
-10 seconds into Nitro and it's already dumber than an Adam Sandler movie
-I wonder why they didn't show the part where Sid had to go through a metal detector? ("That's just my belt buckle....I'M NOT GOING TO STAB ARN WITH MY F**KING BELT BUC.....oh alright...here!")
-In case that opening wave of illogic didn't clue you in...Tony was right there to verify that yes..this IS WCW Monday Nitro.....at the Superdome in New Orleans (pronounced Nu Orlins....not Nu OrLEENs or Nu OrLEaans)
-There go the Nitro Girls...throw some beads at them and they'll take off their tops.
-Tony announces that over 20'000 are jammed in the Superdome.....15'000 of them are Master P's children
-David Pinzer was proud to be white as he introduced...
-Master P and the No Limit Soldiers....Yo, yo, I say yo
-I'm....sorry..but I cannot follow along with this.....after rewinding this several times, I can safely report that the following was said...
-Yo
-Whuzzup
-Yo
-aw yeah
-the "n" word (oh dear)
-bitch
-Puff Daddy B played
-I busted up all over dat Mariah Carey
-yo
-Where da crack at
-Licky boom boom now
-Where my dead Presidents at yo?
-Apparently, they also like the word "Hoody Ho".....I submit that they are really saying "Ho Dee Do"...which of course..is the punchline to that famous joke about black people and elevators.....a joke that is GLARINGLY RASCIST AND WILL NOT BE REPEATED BY ME!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT BE A PARTY TO SUCH BLATANT BIGOTRY!!!!!!!!
-I'm SURE that they are making a point of some sort by using the phrase "Ho Dee Do"....some sort of point about the struggle that hard working African Americans must go through each day in white America. Well, although I will NOT pretend to relate..I will simply say PREACH ON BROTHER PEE!!!!! PREACH ON!!!!!!!!! PEACE!!!!!!!!
-I wonder if this will be a permanent part of Nitro now...every show opens with a rap concert?
-I wonder if Schiavone's ears started to bleed yet?
-Suddenly, I have a yearning to go out and buy every single Beach Boy CD there is.
-Why were they dressed in fatigues? In case Saddam tries something tonight?
-The concert ends....Tony needs to rehearse his "I am SO down with that" speech...so off we go to the night's first set of....
-commercials
-Tony Schiavone and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan are there....Tony wants to know "who is driving the Hummer"? And does he/she take Visa?
-video thing dealing with Master P's history with WCW thus far......
-This..."Swoll" seems awfully familiar.
-Backstage, Lodi is giving Lenny Lane a shoulder massage while telling him that he can beat Meng later tonight. Lodi now officially looks like the Honky Tonk Man. Lane tells Lodi that he has "great thumbs".......then he moans seductively..............
-I have just decided......this entire planet has gone homo...I think it started in Toledo and just spread.
-commercials
-Suddenly, DJ Ran is a welcome relief...which doesn't stop me from automatically taking my money out of my wallet and throwing it at my TV screen, screaming, "HERE...TAKE IT..JUST LET ME KEEP MY WALLET!!"
-Billy Kidman took on Psychosis...meanwhile, Tony continues to sell us on the fact that Curt Hennig is now a Country Music singer....
-I see a sign that reads, "SCOTT HALL DRANK MY BEER"...I laughed
-Hey, here's another sign idea, "SABLE 3:16: I JUST BREACHED MY CONTRACT"
-Tony hinted that the driver of the Hummer was maybe, "someone who is not a PART of WCW...someone who we haven't SEEN in a while"
-oooo...wouldn't it be great if Shane Douglas showed up on RAW next week? HEY VINCE!!!! HIRE SHANE!!!!! DO IT!!!!! HURRY!!!!!!
-The match was killed when Savage and Sid Vicious showed up and beat the crap out of everyone...
-Then Sting came out and entered the ring....Savage and Sid bailed out and walked away...
-Kevin Nash came out and rehashed the old "What side is Sting on" angle which almost destroyed his career two years ago (He STILL hasn't fully recovered)
-Sting assured Nash that he "did not drive the Hummer".....of course he didn't....Born Again Christians aren't allowed to fornicated with their mouths...it's in the Bible....old testament....I have it right here....under Luke 14:87: "And the Lord said, "Thou shan't kneel frontally to thy fellow man and taste his seed within thy lips...unless, of course, thou name represents the son of Patter"
-So...Sting ain't the dude. So sayeth the shepard, so sayeth the Flock
-commercials
-Backstage, Flair and Piper are doing their finest Kramer impressions....Giddyup
-They also decided that Sting will fight Sid Vicious tonight.
-shot from last weekends "GAB"....where Piper turned on Bagwell
-Lenny Lane (who's parents almost named "Everett Gotsdomethingtohideexceptmeandmymonkey") came to the ring....looking suspiciously like a certain soon to be Free Agent who EVERYONE wants to see jump to the WWF.....except for Bob Ryder...I wonder why...comes to the ring...which brings me to this off-topic tangent...
-Two weeks ago, I brought up the point that Rick Scaia is only too happy to attack Herb Kunz for his anti-WWF stance....yet remains suspiciously quiet about Bob Ryder's similar stance......well, further proof that Big Dick is so totally my bitch, he publicly disagreed with Ryder's commentary about where Jericho should end up and wrote a loooong diatribe about how the WWF is the place for Jericho to be. Next week, look for Ricky to start barking like a dog..because I am telling him to do so right now....BARK FOR ME RICKY..WOOF, WOOF!!
-Anywhoo.....Lane took on Meng...who lost those "Sultan Pants" of his....I guess he realized that they did NOT "make a difference".
-The fans started to chant "FAG-GOT, FAG-GOT"......it could have applied to either fellow....especially since Meng is now wearing a Greg Brady "Afro"
-Lodi came out.....I never thought I'd say this...but I miss those signs of his.
-Meng won...of course. He's always on a push....problem is, he never gets pushed anywhere.
-Does Bischoff REALLY think that Lane can replace Jericho?
-Oh F-It...maybe he can....you never know.
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls are in the ring....
-Tony and Schiavone try some comedy......Lord knows they tried.
-Footage from last week where Sting was lying in wait in the HumVee for Rick Steiner.....why was he in the Hummer and does this mean that he'll join the NWO?
-commercials
-I think the second hour arrived....I mean, it HAD to have
-Master P was in the ring with his No Limit posse....and a Birthday cake....
-It was his little brother "Silk Da Shark" 's(????) birthday...
-I tell you..that "Swoll" looks awfully familiar....
-"Pee" apprently thinks that Nitro's entire audience is around 5 years old, because he tried to get everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to his little brother.
-This......THIS IS BISCHOFF'S PLAN TO WIN BACK THE AUDIENCE????? WITH A BIRTHDAY PARTY???????
-Master Pee brought out a fan from the crowd to come into the ring and sing Happy Birthday....a white fan...with an afro wig on.......which makes him a "wigger".....(Bwah haa haaa)
-I should mention that the frosting of the cake was WHITE!!!!!! THOSE DAMN SELL OUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Curt Hennig came out in a COWBOY HAT??????? And a present under his arm...he said that he came in peace.
-Master Pee told him that he better not be playin' games....then ordered his men to let Hennig through.
-So, the NL Soldiers cleared a path for Hennig....they parted like the Red Sea they did...Hennig stepped into the ring....
-Hennig apologized to Pee for all his recent hijinks....he didn't mean to dis the brother....
-He tried to present Pee's brother Seth with the gift.....Pee told him to open it up himself...
-Hennig did..it was a cowboy hat...he tried to give it to Seth
-Seth took it.....thanked him for it..then proceeded to stomp the thing...
-Then someone took the birthday cake and slammed it into Hennig...Curt went down hard....
-All the No Limit Soldiers started to jump up and down and scream "HOODY HO, HOODY HO"
-Okay.....understand this...a white man with blonde hair in a cowboy hat is in the ring while a whole mess of Black rappers in Combat Fatigues are jumping up and down and yelling.......speaking for White America...I offer Hennig this one...simple....peace of advice....
-RUUN...RUUUUN!!!! RUN CURT!!!!! FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!! RUN BACK TO STAMFORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST..WILL YOU RUUUUUNNN LEAVE THE WOMEN BEHIND TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES!!!!!! RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN
-Good God....I mean...I don't mean to offend anyone here....and I sure am not classifying ALL black people as a whole on this.....or even all Rappers.....but Jeezus Crow....a cowboy hat?
-RUUUUN!!!!!!! F-THE BAD KNEE CURT!!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!
-Do you think that WCW knows what they are doing here?
-If that was me....I would have crapped my pants, then ran...or ran while I crapped my pants...or crapped my pants after I ran.....either way, I would have crapped my pants.....and handed over my wallet....and my Mother
-commercials
-Juventud Guerrera came to the ring.....thankfully, he no longer wants anyone to get the Jews..and Praise bloody Allah for that!!!!
-Eddie Gurrero came to the ring.......looking lean, mean, and without a spleen.
-Juvee tried to hug Eddie....Eddie didn't reciprocate.
-I wonder if the LWO is over with?
-Well, I'll say this...Eddie looked GREAT....just as sharp and as crisp as ever...
-SO sharp and SO crisp that he just couldn't be kept within one simple segment...we had to sit through a barrage of..
-commercials
-in order to fully comprehend his glorious comeback....
-Seeing that he was in deep trouble, Juvee tried to get Eddie to slam down some Tequila and go for a drive in their fully insured rental car.....Eddie refused and instead pinned him for the win.
-commercials
-Prince Iaukea came out.......
-Ernest "The Cat" Miller came out...
-The good news is that this is NOT in the Third Hour
-The bad news is that this is NOT in the Third Hour.....the Third Hour is so very, very far away.
-Miller never changes his shtick.....he's like Konnan, he always says the exact same thing.
-One of them won......you can e-mail me and explain why you need to know which.
-commercials
-Kanyon comes out.....now I miss Miller and Iaukea.
-Booker T came out...where the Hell has he been anyway?
-Tony says that he's had knee surgery.....all those years of having his pecker bang against it must have finally wore it down (well..he IS a black guy after all)
-I like Booker T.......so much so that I can even stomach Kanyon this time around.
-You know, I received TWO letters from people claiming to be FANS of Kanyon? What's wrong with you people? HE USED TO BE MORTIS FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!
-commercials
-Nope...they didn't go anywhere
-Tony displays his awe-inspiring skills as the ULTIMATE play-by play guy with this coverage:
-Kanyon.....out...staggering...problem...no...hold's his own.....Missile Lariat.
-Tony....sucks....big time...yes....his face...punch.....Hummer.....from me....yes.
-Oh no...no quicky 5 minute match that permeates that "other show"....oh no...we're gonna get Kanyon for HOURS AND HOURS!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE THIS IS WCW.....BECAUSE THIS IS WRESTLING!!!!!!
-Well...Wrestling and Rapping..the union that HAD to happen.....
-Booker T won...during this match...RAW went through two full matches and 6 angle developments......it was that long.
-I should re-state....Booker T DID win....but by DQ because Dallas Page and Bam Bam Bigelow interfered and beat the living crap out of Booker T.
-3 white guys beating up 1 black guy.....AND MASTER PEE APPROVES OF THIS???????????????????????????????
-I simply refuse to say ANYTHING bad about DDP anymore...because last week he wore a SCOOPS T-shirt....NOT a "Wrestlemaniacs" T-shirt....NOT a Wrestling1.com T-shirt....NOT a ScoopThis t-shirt.......BUT a SCOOPS t-shirt....F-YOU, YA' BUNCH OF WEAK ASS PUSSIES WITHOUT THE BALLS TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT AL WHILE HE'S RIGHT THERE IN THE CHAT WITH YOU!!!!!!!!! OH, YOU'RE ALL OVER HIS ASS WHEN HE'S NOWHERE YTO BE FOUND...BUT WHEN HE'S IN THE ROOM WITH YOU, YOU SHUT UP LIKE A PACK OF FAIRIES?????? SPINELESS JOKES!!!!! ALL OF YOU!!!!!!
-except for Samuda.....he's always been a class act.
-So thus...Page is back to being full on cool.....for an 50 year old burn out.
-commercials
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