Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

And now, the end is near...6/23/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -Mean Gene announces that we are in the "shank" of the evening.....which means that Sid fashioned a blade out of broken glass and shanked Norman Smiley in the back....needless to say, Norman lost his smile....and his lips for that matter. -Okerlund called out Ric Flair and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper...with Arn Anderson and Asya -Piper always looks so confused now.... -Piper is on the mic first......whether he's a face or a heel...he's got his Mic Work Playbook in hand and is following it to a T -First, the obligatory cheap heat by mentioning a hometown sports team..... -"NEW ORLEANS...HOME OF THE SAINTS!!!!!!!" -Second, make a hip "90's" reference to show that he doesn't sit at home and watch "Diagnosis Murder" all night...(this week it's Y2K, Austin Powers, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer) -Third, make jokes about his latest opponent.....(he's still on Buff Bagwell) -I am not kidding...see for yourself.....EVERY INTERVIEW HE GIVES FOLLOWS THE SAME FORMAT NOW!!!!!!!!! IT'S AMAZING!!!!!! -Then Flair took over the mic...NOW we may get something.... -First, Flair threatens to attack a fan at ringside.....(Okerlund, "Hey, HEY.WAIT A MINUTE!! A LITTLE DECORUM GENTLEMEN!") -Then Flair threatens another fan, "Pal, I'm gonna take your girlfriend home and make her say Mickey Mouse! I'm not kidding!" -This is why Flair is God and Bischoff sucks: - "Last week, Hot Rod said to me, he said "Is there anyway I can be President?' And I said "Hot Rod, at my age I'm told...I could drop dead right now". Well let me tell you about last night. Last night Bagwell, you're girlfriend calllllled myyyyy roooooom! She said, "Why do they call you Space Mountain, and my boyfriend Buff?' I said, "BABY, after eating those chicken breasts, drinking those Diet Cokes, I'll show you why they call me Space Mountain and HOT ROD..I ALMOST DIED....ON BUFFY'S GIRL...LAST NIGHT...WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" -According to Bischoff, this simply doesn't play anymore....this is passe....this is terrible television...and you wonder why I think he's so incompetent. -Bagwell came out and took off his freshly washed shirt to reveal his freshly juiced torso....he attacked. -They attacked back....suddenly, it was a handicapped match....although any match Piper is in automatically becomes a handicapped match....because everyone has to carry his worthless ass. -Flair picks up the mic and demands that the ref makes this an official match....then told Bagwell to make the same noises his girlfriend made last night. -There was a brief period where Bagwell shined...but it was mostly all Old guys... -Piper's matches now consist of punching, that eye poke, walking very slowly, and lots and lots of rest holds. -Dean Malenko ran in and demanded to be tagged in... -Malenko was tagged in....he cleaned house -Piper reached into his tights......and like every senile old man, began to play with himself in public. -Then he produced an "illegal" object (because the term "foreign object" is just too damn RACY) and whacked Bagwell with it. -Bagwell went down and Flair pinned him.....Piper tried to get in the ring to celebrate...but was too damn tired to get that leg over the rope. -commercials -One of the Nitro Girls gets a solo spot. -Tony says that Sid Vicious is a real "Psycho".......really? -commercials (you know, as much as I loath supporting anything that TNT puts out....I do want to see that "Pirates of Silicon Valley" movie..it looks interesting) -Konnan and Rey Mysterio Jr come out with a plethora of No Limit Soldiers -Konnan is on the stick and wants to know where his "dogs at"....then goes into HIS never changing spiel. -Then Rey Mysterio wanted to send a "Shout out" to his boys in San Diego.......I have had enough of Shout Outs, Bout it bout its, Hooty Ho's, and everything else.....BRING BACK 80'S HAIR METAL BANDS!!!!!!!! I WANT MY POWER BALLADS DAMMIT!!!!! EVERY FRIGGIN' ROSE HAS IT'S MOTHAFU*(&NG THORN....EVERY FU&^%$ NIGHT HAS IT'S F%$#@$ DAWN....EVERY HOMO ASS COWBOY...SINGS A SAD...SAD...MUTHAF&^%NG SONG....EVERY FU&^%$# ROSE HAS A FRICKIN' THORN!!!!!!!" -Now hold up those lighters people...HOLD THEM UP!!!!!! -Page, Kanyon, and Bigelow come out.....I never DREAMED I'd say this but...THANK GOD FOR KANYON!!!!!!!!! -Page started it off with Mysterio.....Page looked cocky against the little prick. -Rey jumped over the top rope and right into Bigelow....defying all natural laws of Physics...Bigelow sold it and went down. -This is the THIRD match tonight that made us wait through some... -commercials -before the ending... -Page was still in there...beating on Mysterio -Now that Page is a heel, and now that he isn't trying to force himself on everyone with those annoying cliches....he actually seems to be having more fun in there.... -The above comment was a STRICTLY UNBIASED OPINION AND HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS WEARING A SCOOPS T-SHIRT LAST WEEK!!! QUITE FRANKLY, I RESENT THE IMPLICATIONS AND TAKE GREAT OFFENSE TO THOSE ACCUSATIONS!!!!! GO F-YOURSELVES!!!!! -Hey, if Bob Ryder can do it.... -Hennig and dunCUM Jr run in and the bell rang.....then Barry Windham, his brother Kendall, Chris Benoit....jeezus..everyone.... -Everyone white ran....everyone Black stayed...Saturn stayed too..but he might be a high yellow... -More Master P.....more "Hooty Ho!".....none of which got any sort of response from the crowd....this is starting out very badly and will probably get even worse. -commercials -Michael Buffer is in the ring.....this must be a HUGE main event...because Buffer don't come out unless it's REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT!! -One thing about Buffer...he was the only guy on that show who pronounced "New Orleans" correctly...Tony called it "New OrlEEns" all night long. -Sid Vicious came out.....he's no longer pounding his chest and "Sieg Heil"ing everyone...probably a smart move since Goldberg is already pissed enough at the company. -Sting came out. -They circled around each other... -Then Savage came out with the chicks.....Sting demanded that Savage leave, but he stayed. -Sid takes control -Sting tried a comeback, but Sid whipped him into the corner... -Sid charged...Sting dodged...Sting splashed....Savage crashed....The bell rang....no angels sang (what?). -Sting's always getting tuned on nowadays......first Bret, then Tank Abbott, then Rick Steiner, now Sid and Savage? Maybe he should start worshipping Satan? This God thing HURTS! -Luger ran in just before Sid could powerbomb Sting...the Heel's left, but stayed around the ring. -Savage grabbed the mic and said that Sting and Luger would pay....Sid took the mic and said that he would pull an OJ on them in the back. -Sting grabbed the mic and said, "Well we got two words for ya!" Then held the mic out so the people could scream, "SUCK IT!!" (Way to go Sting...smart move...on live TV even...brilliant.......dumb ass) -After hearing that, with two minutes to go in the show, Tony basically said "F-It" and ended the show.....before Sting could steal another catchphrase from the competition. Of course RAW won.....Nitro's main event was an embarrassment....Master P has no business being there.....Nash couldn't be bothered to go to work.......this was Nitro "Light" On the plus side..no Bischoff at all...and Flair rocked. Jeeze, this show was so bad that I couldn't even do a decent column with what I had to work with. Here's the closer...do with it what you will. So this is pretty much my second year anniversary column.....which means that I have written 104 columns right? Well, try 87......Jesus..I took a LOT of weeks off. Anyway, in honor of this anniversary, I thought I'd give you folks a little peek into the past with snippets culled from the first 50 Mop-Ups. Some of them are stuff I made up, and others are stuff heard from the shows. Believe me..some of my earlier stuff was absolutely HORRIBLE...so I really had to look around for any old stuff worth posting. For a time reference...I started with the first Mop-Up (it was the week ECW made their RAW debut) and ended right around the time Goldberg beat Hogan for the strap. In order to avoid confusion, I ignored the infamous "Nice Guy" column and the legendary "Girlfriend" column. And yes..there are one or two Patterson jokes in there Off we go ..... MOP-UP MEMORIES -When Sabu reached for a table under the ring, Paul said "Eric BITCHOFF will tell you that the Public Enemy invented table breaking for national TV, but I can tell you, having discovered PE, that they stole the idea for the tables, from that man, (Sabu) who was the originator of the broken table." He then said that Bill Alphonso was a WWF referee whom they adopted from the Betty Ford Clinic (too inside for me). To that, Vince said, "That's nice to know," and Ross added, "He graduated from there twice!" ---------------------------------------- As Sabu brought out a table (they were both outside the ring) Paul E said that he did appreciate the WWF for this opportunity. Vince said that he appreciated Paul for the same, Jim Ross said, and this was great, "Well, while everyone's appreciating everyone, I hope someone is appreciating this table!" Sabu puts Funk on the table, jumps on it, it doesn't break. Paul E says, "You see, those aren't pre-cut tables, like you see elsewhere!" Sabu mounts the top rope to do it again, Paul says, "He's gonna bust that table...even if it kills him!" Sabu nails the table, and Funk, the table doesn't break, but the leg gives out. Both wrestlers are laid out, Vince deadpans, "I think it killed him." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Tommy Hearns?, Reggie White?, Dennis Rodman?, Rumors of Tyson and/or Shaq next week on Nitro?, 1997 is looking like the age of non-wrestling professional athletes! And why are they all black? Someone better balance the scales and give Fuzzy Zoeller a call.....quick! --------------------------------------------------------- -On the Road with Lee Marshall. Marshall claims that he is at a special "Disney Nitro Party" (betcha that means that the hookers he picked up were dressed liked Snow White!) ----------------------------- Ken Shamrock goosesteps to the ring, getting ready to "knuckle up" in the "zone"...(the funny thing is...when I BITE my knuckles, I ZONE out! Maybe Kenny is my long lost brother?) Vince announces that when he is in the "Zone", there is NO ONE on the face of the Earth that can beat him, (yeah..but there are some folks from the planet KRYPTON who could waste him...ever hear of SUPERMAN....VINNY??????????). ------------------------------------------------- Bret in a backstage interview...he cusses out the fans for spitting at him and throwing things at him, (Gee, how would he feel if he went to WCW?). He promises to make the Patriot and Vader pay. ------------------------------------------------ Second hour begins...RAW IS WAR turns into THE WARZONE and I still can't tell the difference. -------------------------------------------------- At one point, Shawn cracked Mankind's head against the steel post twice, giving Good Ol' Jr the chance to bellow, "IT'S CONCUSSION CITY...AND MANKIND'S THE MAYOR!!!!!" ------------------------------------------- Disco Fever..my main man..comes on out as the second hour falls on us and Bobby Heenan joins the fun. Rey Mysterio comes out, and pulls off his mask, (it doesn't mean anything to you, but in reality, it was a sign to his guerrilla allies in Columbia to BEGIN THE CONQUEST OF THE DIAMOND MINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WAR RAGES ON AS WE SIT BACK AND EAT CHEETOHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By the way, he gives the mask to young fan, which caused Stu Hart to scream, "THAT'S MY SON'S FRIGGIN GIMMICK ENCHILADA BREATH!!!!!" Stu tried to kick in his TV set, but he fell and broke his hip. He's being rushed to the hospital as we speak. ------------------------------------------------------------- Now fully in his Uncle Eric mode, Unc screamed that Vince McMahon was afraid of Hogan's new movie (speaking of which, the funniest parts of last week's RAW was when Vince and the boys goofed on Hogan's movie career...when Ross said that "No Hold's Barred" should have been called, "No Profits Allowed" I damn near peed my pants.) ------------------------------------------------------- Rocky Maivia grabbed the mike and announced that due to the actions of the Hart Foundation, this is now officially a black and white thing, (meanwhile...Rocky is pretty damn white his own self isn't he?). Farooq challenged the Harts to a match right then and there next week on Raw. Bret Hart and the boys came out..and Bret opened his mouth and said, "First of all.....BROTHER." (oooh, I cringed on that one). Bret happily accepted the challenge, but then announced that he came from a country where there is no racial prejudice at all, (but boy do they hate those JEWS). ---------------------------------------------------------------- -The Yeti. The image of him and the Giant double bear hugging Hulk Hogan a few years ago is burned into my mind...wrestling has never since reached a level of homoeroticism. -------------------------------------------------------- On that note..I hope you egg everything in sight this Halloween and not get caught by the cops...I'll be posted in a tree in my yard..waiting for those little disillusioned, Generation X bastards to try something. All Hell's gonna break loose in the Hyatte household this Friday...don't come by..or you'll get some eggs wedged up in a place that was never meant to hold eggs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- For the first time in a long while, Tony and Heenan actually had a good time cracking wise on Eric's problems. Since it is a RARE happenstance on Nitro, allow me to give some notable quotes: -Tony, "I want to give you a little bit of confidence Eric. You can beat him....he can't beat YOU. You have it made, go in with one hand tied behind your back." -Heenan, "Have a big meal before you go to the ring." (gales of laughter followed) -Heenan, "Wear blinders while walking across the interstate. Same thing" -Tony, "He's not gonna hurt you Eric! Naaahhh" -Tony, "Does the word "stretch" mean anything to you?" -Heenan, "Does the word "blotter" mean anything to you? Because that's what they are going to be picking him up with!" -Tenay, "How about the word "Tap Out?" -dead silence. No surprise here, Tenay ruined the fun. Tony's fun drained so hard...that he immediately went right back to plugging his ass off on Starrcade. Hey Tenay...KEEP YOUR F&%$#@$#% MOUTH SHUT NEXT TIME. THEY WERE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING NEW WHEN YOU HAD TO RUIN IT. ------------- ----------------------------------------------- So Goldust started to read (in his raging queen accent), "T'was the night before Christmas" as Luna hung some more ornaments on him. (Ross, "I feel a little uneasy watching her hang more balls on him." Cornette, "I'm not worried about his balls..") when a Santa Claus came out and started to throw some fake snow around. Goldust was distracted and asked him to leave repeatedly..even at one point saying, "I'm trying to do something nice for all my fans and your sitting there with your fat old jelly stinking self!!" At which Ross couldn't help but say, "Is he talking to Santa or his...nearest relative?". --------------------------------------------------- .-Tony pushes the very first Internet PPV experience called "Boston Massacre"...but it's held in Anchorage Alaska for some odd reason? What the FU&%?? ----------------------------------------------------------------- they pushed the garbage tank OFF THE AISLE AND ONTO THE CEMENT GROUND!!!! It fell a good ten feet onto some tables really. Jim Ross officially had a coronary as he screamed, "WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!!! OH MY GOD!!! DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT!!!!!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THERE!!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THERE!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS SO GREAT ABOUT THAT!!!! THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THERE!!!!! TER.....TERRY FUNK IS IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -------------------------------------------- -Sonny Ono (now why couldn't HE have skied into a tree?) comes to the ring with Yuji Nagata (who didn't ski into a tree...but DID fall off the ugly tree and hit every limb) comes to the ring to go against Disco Inferno. DINF comes to the ring sporting a black headband....making him look like Rambo's retarded brother. After a bit, Nagata had the match won, but a distraction from Ono allowed DINF to recover and snag the "Chartbuster" on him....and not a moment too soon. By the way, just as Tony was about to bust out one of his over the top/Earth shattering/the sky MUST be falling hyperbole tirades at the top of his lungs...Spicolli cut him short by saying, "Tony, your microphone is right in front of you. There is no need to yell!" Tony was dumbfounded and I was cheering. ------------------------------------------------------------------ -Riggs and Puke Boy jump Booker for the hell of it. Booker reams the entire flock practically. Raven attacks but the ref puts an end to the nonsense. That doesn't stop the flock from resuming it's blitz. Booker ends up in the Rings of Saturn....I run off to sit on the Ring of my Toilet. --------------------------------------------------------------------- -Tony tries to put a positive spin on things by reflecting on the NWO problems. Tenay calls it a "historic night for WCW and Nitro"....I wonder what show HE is watching? I wonder what HE'S been smoking? I wonder what HE looks like naked.....OH SH&%..FORGET I SAID THAT...NEVERMIND, NEVERMIND, NEVERMIND! ------------------------------------- -Bob Holly and Bart Gunn made their DRAMATIC RETURN to the WWF by beating on Mosh and Thrash...(y'know...I am "sloshed" and "trashed" right now....BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA...oh I kill me) --------------------------------------- -Piper proceeded to win over the Louisville crowd by having sex with a sheep! -------------------------------------------- Finally, Tony bragged that somebody throws a weekly Nitro Bowling Party (Downside...all the girls look like Roy Orbison). -------------------------------------------------- -by the way...SPINEROONI SPINEROONI SPINEROONI!!!! It's not a word..it's a state of mind!! ---------------------------------------------------------- -Oh yeah...Lawler made liberal use of the word "BALLS"...I didn't think that he would have the BALLS to say the word BALLS on TV..that's a pretty BALLSY move....BALLS OUT a pretty BALLSY move!!! It takes some big BALLS to do that. ---------------------------------------------- -Does any of this matter since the asteroid is going to kill most of us in the year 2023. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Terry (call me Chainsaw and I'll have Dory break his hip on your property and sue your ass) Funk and 2 Cold (call me Flash Funk and I'll pimpslap yo momma) Scorpio hit the ring against the Midnight Express....but before that could happen.. -------------------------------------------------- -Kane and Bearer come out to the entrance way...Bearer has his sports jacket off, his shirt untucked, and smudges all over his body...(He looks like me after a $30 binge at Taco bell). ------------------------------------------------------ -Savage came out...Hogan grabbed Beefacke and asked him for advice...Beefcake told him to watch out for those killer boats. ------------------------------------------------------ -Patterson and Brisco jumped on Dustin and started to attack...Dustin could be heard screaming..."ABOVE THE WAIST PATTERSON..ABOVE THE F&^%$#@ WAIST!!!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------ -Lawler: "Mr. McMahon is the most honest, straightforward man that I have ever worked for!" Ross: "More honest than Jerry Jarrett?? How dare you!" Lawler: ".............." Dead silence..he was left speechless ---------------------------------------- -So out comes Patterson and Brisco to beat some respect out of Austin. Brisco was wearing a t-shirt plugging that Brisco Auto Body place....which of course set up what could very well be the LINE OF THE F'K'N' YEAR!!!!!! -It came from Ross....and I quote: "Well, the Brisco Body Shop getting a big plug there. Course, Pat Patterson works there part time. He does...does REAR END work there." --------------------------------------------------------- -Bischoff talked to the Giant up in the box..the Giant promised to "use Sting like dental floss"....so..uh..when exactly did Pat Patterson start writing WCW's scripts anyway? -------------------------------------------------- -a mess of cops coming out of their assorted cars...I SWEAR one of them was Richard Jewel....(RUN FOR YOUR LIVES..THERE'S A BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ---------------------------------------------- -Moving along, Tenay interview one rather boisterous fellow in the crowd....when Tenay asked, "Is New York ready for Nitro?" The gentleman SCREAMED, "NEW YORK IS READY FOR NITRO!! THE RED AND BLACK ATTACK!!! DDP IS GONNA BE STING'S PARTNER!!! BAAAANG! YEEEEEEAAAAH!" -Ladies and gentlemen....in case you didn't know, that man was none other than Al Isaacs. You made it to the tube Boss..Good for you!! ----------------------------------------------- -Chris Adams took on the Giant. The Giant was more interested in smoking his butt (do what you will with that comment) that fighting Adams. Adams wouldn't quit though, at one point yelling, "DON'T IGNORE ME!!! I PERSONALLY KILLED 3 OF THE VON ERICHS!!!!!"). Then the Giant turned his attention on Adams....and the rest was history. -------------------------------------------------- -The Giant came out with Hennig and Rude. He gestured that he was missing his smokes..or something. He took on two Japanese guys...one of them was called "Sumo Fuji" (Geeze..why didn't they just call him "Big Jap"....it would have been less generic). The Giant won it in about 3 seconds. Then Hennig called out that big, dumb, heatless moron. -half the locker room came out...Bischoff had to physically point out the big, dumb, heatless moron who was supposed to come out. ------------------------------------ God will be there....and his name will be Hogan. The Black Jesus will be there too. The NWO Late Hour will be there. Both Hitler and Walt Disney left specific instructions to be awakened on July 6th, 1998 just so they could be a part of the Genesis. People will name their children "Nitro" after next week. Bischoffilism will be welcomed as a new religion. Racial prejudice will end (except in Canada...those bastards). And a new day will dawn...be there. Meanwhile, Raw is running a pre-taped show...the fools..they should bring back the dog show. ------------------------------------------------------- -By the way...if you noticed, Dillenger was following Bags as he was wheeled away...hopefully, you noticed the little smile playing across his lips. You see, Bagwell was considering opening his mouth about the DarkMyghty Dillenger.....he was considering briefing Dustin Runnels on the situation....well he didn't.....Dillenger made sure of that now didn't he? Now Bagwell is paying the price for crossing the AntiSon, especially so close to the Proclamation of the BlackPit. There will be a reckoning children....oh yes, Dillenger will reckon with the heav...... -then again..I said too much already. ----------------------------------------- -Goldberg makes his way to the ring. Along the way, he sees an old man who clearly is senile.....Goldberg lays a gentle hand upon the old man's brow....suddenly, the Old man looks up at Goldberg, then looks around him with a smile..."I CAN THINK AGAIN!!" He cried..."Oh THANK YOU GOLDBERG!!! I can think clearly again!!!!!" Then the old guy looks around some more and says, "What the hell am I doing at a wrestling show? This is all fake!!!!!" -Out comes Hogan....all alone. Along the way to the ring, he sees the old man who was just cured of his senility, laid HIS hands on the guy's head.....suddenly, the Old Man's eyes fogged up, he took off his pants, and run up and down the aisle screaming, "I AM THE KING OF ENGLAND!!!!! ---------------------------------------------- -Okay...so....X-Pac throws Maivia out of the ring, then holds his knee for the ref so Chyna can do some damage. Lawler sees that and says, "I think I smell what Chyna is cooking" Ross sayd, "There is a strong odor coming from her Kitchen"........I am NOT going to take such an easy shot and make a lame Tuna Casserole reference...no..I am NOT...nope...uh uh. nosireebob. ---------------------------- -Aw RIIIIIIGHT. Scott Hall, Scott Norton (ugh) and the great DUSTY RHODES come out and walk to the announcer's booth...(PUNCH OUT SCHIAVONE HALL!!!! DO IT, DO IT...I'LL BUY SHOTS UNTIL YOUR LIVER EXPLODES..NOW HIT HIM IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) That's it. Next year...who knows. I do have some stuff planned, stuff that'll probably piss you off to no end.....just wait...you'll hate it. Next week, um....well....I'll think of something...plus by then the ScoopThis awards will be out...and I'm SURE I'll have something to say about that. Nobody sucks, but everybody blows This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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