Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
This is where it begins...6/23/99
Mop-Up RAW
THE FOLLOWING IS A COMBINATION OF THREE LETTERS
"listen dork, you are here to do a job....report what happened on mondays and give an oppinion once in a while.....i dont know how old you are or if you have any life what so ever, but i can tell you are never going to get laid.....Hello its the nineties, chicks are supposed to have long hair if they are in the business world....does not mean they like other chicks....you obviously have a jangup with lesbians, because you mention it like 4 times in a 2 page article...now im no feminist, not at all, but you need to get a life and admit that you are an absolute geek with no life....maybe someday some girl will f&^k you out of sympathy.....just cry or something and maybe you will get the sympathy lay...get a life.....dude, sometime you will realize how much of a tool you really are.... I feel so bad for the people around you, because you are such a pussy.... I'd show you how much of one you are if you lived anywhere near me you piece of sh&t!!!!" (JWBINDY@aol.com: Who has a real hangup about my oppinionated jokes about women)
AND NOW...F U BAILEY:
"Where did you go to law school again? Oh thats right, you were just talking out of your ass. Silly me. Hey how about you go down to your nearest courthouse, peruse their library, taking special interest in the "Contract Law" section. Perhaps in your reading you will discover the concept called "Collusion" and the evidence necessary to show the forementioned term applicable to any breach of contract claim. A thing as simple as Sables credit card statement showing that she purchased 1 ticket (even if Biscoff gave her the money 10 seconds later) will get this case thrown out faster than Shane Mcmahon can eat a Whopper. Sexual Harrasment however is much simpler to prove, and in this politically charged day and age even the slightest bit of evidence will have a jury digging deep into Vinnys pockets. Beautiful girl, loads of testoterone running around, an egomanical owner with LOTS of money, OUCH. Besides the 2 situations are totally unrelated, sure Vince could countersue, fine, but I really doubt WCW and its lawyers are stupid enough to not cover their bases and asses from Biscoffs stupid ideas (Oh you think Turner doesnt have a Legal Dept., you really are a moron). And Like I said Sables case is still better, and keep this fact in your obviously drug addled little pea sized brain...... It has to go in front of a jury, unless its settled, because a B.o.C. wont get it thrown out. By the way, Your parents are cousins"
(Paul S. mammal186@hotmail.com: BULL!! That's a fake name...I think it's really Mike Samuda)
AND NOW...A CHANGE OF PACE
"too funny, much too funny. your making all the WWF.com guys jealous" (Name withheld by my choice....just wanted to share something positive...for a change)
Hello, I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up....now in color. This is, sort of, my two year anniversary with SCOOPS...but instead of harping on it for the whole column..I decided to take the humble route and downplay it. Besides, I kind of zipped through everything this week...very quick columns...I tossed a couiple of jokes in..but on the whole, a throwaway....but, you clicked, so your hit is now registered and another number is on my tally..so you can go ahead and read, or you can skip this and go home..it's up to yiou.
Two quick openers...first, Chat This 2 blew because nobody had the balls to say anything to Al's face once he was there live and in person. Oh, but when he's NOT there..it's all "Scoops sucks, Al sucks, why is Scoops so popular?, blah blah blah".....but when Al IS there..everybody gets very quiet all of the sudden.....makes you wonder.
Now if I was there.....heh..heh...heh...let's just say that nobody would be bitching about how BORING it was...oh no.
And you could tell that Al was ready to rock with whoever wanted to beef with him....he was all set. Too bad.
Meanwhile, Samuda and Scaia announced that they are going "Corporate" and will now be owned by Wrestleline.....didn't Dave Gagnon report that a last month over at 411? Didn't Scaia deny it? Wow...Gagnon outscooped EVERYONE......can I pick them or WHAT?
I'll take a guess here and say that within...oh..maybe 6 months...Wrestlemaniacs, as we know it will be done with and Wrestline will move in with what THEY want their site to be. Samuda has been looking to get out anyway..you can tell. He used to update 4-5 times a week..now we're lucky if he posts twice.
I wonder..now that they are corporate..does that mean that Zimmerman will start getting paid? He should...COME ON DUDES...CRZ IS THE ONLY RECAPPER WHO CAN COMPETE WITH ME!!!! THROW HIM A LITTLE CHANGE FOR GOD'S SAKES!!
Maybe, Zimmerman could come to SCOOPS? I'm sure Al wouldn't mind having the two most popular recappers on the net under one site? He can handle the blow by blow and I'll do my more colorful analysis....and it'll throw a LOT of people into a tailspin.
That's it...just a few quick notes....now let's get going on this...I have a busy day ahead of me.
RAW IS WAR (or Ray Traylor...betrayed again!)
-Opens with a video package detailing last week's Rock victory over the Undertaker and Triple H...then the follow up fight between the two Heels. Sometimes, those damn videos are more exciting than a 3 hour Nitro.
-Opening theme
-The fireworks blaze as Jim Ross welcomes us to Memphis, Tennessee....where Lawler is not only King...but he might be Mayor too
-So says Ross, who introduced Lawler as such.....is that true? I mean..is he making a serious run for it? Why?
-Memphis.....where Elvis spent most of his live....I visited Graceland once.....my onoy regret is that the tour never went upstairs...I really wanted to see the toilet that Elvis died on mid-shit. (Think YOU know what constipation is all about? When you die, ask Elvis what it's like to really be straining)
-Kicking things off, we have Triple H..who comes to the ring with Chyna in tow.
-HHH demanded that the UT get his dead ass out there.
-I know it's early to be doing this..but this ended up being a LOOOOOOOONG segment....and it basically boiled down to the usual "20 minute set up for the rest of the night" deal....so I'm going to breeze through this quickly...
-The UT came out.....he was about to enter the ring when..
-The Corporate Ministry ran out to hold these two off...Vincent K. (I"m a Hunka, Hunka Burning Toupee!! AHHH SHANE, GET SOME WATER...NOW!!!!!!!) McMahon was out too...yelling NO..NO...NOT TONIGHT..NOT ANY NIGHT!!!!!!
-Vince said that the CoMi (CoMi?? COMMIE?? THOSE RUSSIAN BASTARDS!!!) will not give the fans what they want...no fighting..all is well.
-Vince then discussed how the Undertaker will obliterate the Rock, and how Vince and Shane will kill Austin at the King of the Ring...but first, Austin has to accept the special "Ladder Match/All the WWF" match....
-Austin came out...with a Ladder and a briefcase..and a microphone. Austin said that he has no problems with the stips...except for a bonus rule stating that if any of the Corporate Ministers should choose to interfere, then it'll be an automatic DQ and he wins the whole magilla.
-Vince said no dice.....this will be an "anything goes" match....anyone can jump in. He used his 50% of the company to make that stip.
-Which cued none other than Commissioner Shawn Michaels.....who came out from that trap door elevator that the Brood always uses.
-Before Michaels got into his spiel.....he said that he needed some coffee to settle his nerves and asked his two associates to bring them out....
-Out came Gerald Brisco and Patrick "SnuggleBunny" Patterson....Pat was wearing shorts......and I'm drawing a complete blank here......DAMMIT!
-First off, Michaels decided that the only way to decided which stipulation they will go for would be to throw Austin in a match with any member of the Corporate Ministry that Vince or Shane wanted....
-Plus, if any CoMi members decide to interfere, Austin will get full WWF ownership.
-Vince said that the Undertaker will fight Austin tonight then...
-Michaels said that the UT was booked tonight already...pick another..
-Shane said, "Okay, then how about triple H?"
-HBK said that HHH was booked tonight also...
-HBK then said that tonight, the Undertaker will defend his title against HHH....so Vince had to choose another.
-Vince choose the Big Bossman..who was so excited that his Nightstick grew..then started to throb..
-Then something in Patterson grew..and started to throb
-Then something stuck out, ever so slightly out of Pat's right cut off......My God.....he's a MONSTER!!!!!
-HBK said that he'll guest ref this match.....We haven't heard much about Michaels lately....is he good to work a little? Can he wrestle anymore? Or is he really finished?
-Austin grabbed the mic and said that the Bossman would.....blah, blah, blah
-Austin's music played.....Austin left..
-Proving that a year plus on sick leave did NOTHING to wreck his ego, Shawn made them stop the music just so he could get them to play HIS theme music..
-well..he also said that Pat and Brisco will fight Vince and Shane in a tag match tonight.
-Then his "Boy Toy" music came on....Patterson started to WIGGLE HIS HIPS..THEN SHAKE HIS ASS IN FRONT OF VINCE!!!!!!!!! BRISCO PERFORMED A STRIP TEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-HE SHOOK HIS ASS IN FRONT OF VINCE MCMAHON!!!!! HELL, IN FRONT OF ALL OF US!!!!!!!!
-You know..if he keeps up stuff like that...people may start to think that Pat is.....GAY?!?!?
-Vince ordered the Ministry to "get them"...the CoMi's ran....except for Mabel...who hasn't run in over 9 years.
-Out of nowhere, Ken Shamrock entered the ring and knocked Mabel down with a chair.......HIS music started to play.
-Ross promised us that tonight will be "Rap free"......but if we are very good...he might get Pat to come up and sing, "I did it all for the Nookie, the Nookie..so you can get my cookie...and stick it up my YEAH, stick it up my YEAH, stick it up my YEAH"
-Backstage. HBK is telling Jeff Jarrett that he's going to work tonight...Jarrett said that he's the "Greatest Inter-Continental Champion Ever" and he refuses to work...Michaels said that he's working anyway...Jarrett called him a "lazy ass fake"...Michaels said that he "never liked Owen Hart anyway and was glad that he's dead"...Debra started to cry...it was as good a time as any for the night's first set of...
-commercials
-Backstage with the CoMI's, Midian asked Shane if he could use the spare belt he has in his bag...Shane didn't care.....nor do I.
-Shane came to the ring.....looking like he just learned that Martha Hart put HIS name in the lawsuit too.
-Test came to the ring.....looking like Stephanie just told him that she was training for the Nunhood
-Jeff Jarrett came out with Debra...being forced out to the ring by Patterson and Brisco....for the first time ever....Jarrett was the one who had to worry about being fondled by a horny old man.
-Everyone was in the ring, Patterson grabbed the mic and said that this was a "Triple Treat Match, by orders of Commissioner Shawn Michael"......
-So, Test and Shamrock went to work on Jarrett......they were in Memphis..which is almost as much Jarrett Country as it is Lawler Country...only a cruel, cruel man would book him to lose.
-He didn't....Jarrett won by pinning Shamrock...because Ken was knocked out with a Kendo Stick by the returning STEVE BLACKMAN (Hmmph...I thought he was shitcanned?)
-we see the Rock walking to the ring.
-commercials
-During the break, we see that Ken Shamrock had refuse medical attention.....and Blackman walking out as calmly as he walked in.
-The Rock came out.....he came to the ring and mounted the second rope.
-He grabbed the mic and said....well....you know what he said...it's what he always says....just not as rigidly as that Konnan twit.
-The Edge came out...all smiles...a big...wide smile....he's a scary douche ain't he?
-The Rock won.....quickly....what was the point here?
-Ooops....Gotta haul ass to page two.
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