Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
This is where it middles
Mop-Up RAW (cont)
-Oh..the point was so that the Undertaker can come out after the match and Tombstone Maivia to the ground.....UT left and we see the Rock with his eyes wide opened....CLOSE THEM, YOU IDIOT..AT LEAST TRY TO PRETEND LIKE IT'S REAL!!!!!
-Backstage, Vince is trying to make some sort of plan with Triple H
-commercials
-Backstage, Austin is taping up his leg.
-Mark Henry waddled out....If his boobs were any bigger, I'd think they were implants
-Mabel came out..this is a Gorilla Slam Match......
-"Gorilla Slam Match"...I'm so disgusted, I might flip over to Nitro...in fact I will...
-Over on Nitro, Rey was screaming "HOODY HO, HOODY HO".....you know...a Gorilla Slam match don't sound that bad.
-Henry tried...but Mabel is too damn fat......Mabel ended up launching Henry from the top rope..and winning the match. Then Mabel climbed the top rope to do some damage
-Then D-Lo Brown ran out and attacked...he motioned over to Henry and they both slammed Mabel to the ground...
-Midian ran out with "some sort of title belt" according to Jim Ross...it looked like the Euro belt...he attacked everything that didn't have yellow eyes
-Backstage, Beaver Cleavage put his head in his Mother's titties and said that he didn't want to fight "Meat"...then he lifted it up, said that he couldn't sdo this..and walked away....someone off camera screamed, "CHAZZ, WE'RE LIVE ON THE AIR!!!"....judging from the piercing shrill that sent a wave of daggers up my spine, the voice was female.
-commercials
-Ross said that the Meat/Beaver Cleavage match wasn't going to happen tonight due to "creative differences.
-Meat....let's see..he's built...good looking....and attracts chicks like moths to flame......let's just call him the Anti-Sean Shannon.
-Steve Austin was seen walking backstage
-commercials
-Shawn Michaels came out......wearing a T-shirt advertising his Wrestling academy.....where you too can learn how to be retired and a damn near cripple before you hit 35.
-The Big Bossman came out...as did the second hour
-Austin came out.
-They started swinging....
-Vince and Shane came out with a Ladder....they set it up near the Announcers and Shane went on the mic. "WHUZZUP KINGFISH YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH!!!!!"
-Vince climbed up the ladder and stayed there..for no discernible reason other than to fall down.
-Which he did...courtesy of Austin..who knocked him down. Vince crashed into the Announcer table...nice bump.
-Ross, "I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S ALRIGHT...WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH, KING? I DON'T CARE!"
-Lawler's mic wasn't working....so he hooked up to the alternate one....
-Since Lawler had the alternate mic...Vince had to use the broken one....we could hear him rant on and on...but only in the background.
-Vince finally found a working mic..and proceeded to piss and moan
-of course...Austin won....if this came as a shock to ANYONE.....then maybe you should be watching Nitro huh?
-Austin won, then grabbed a mic and told Vince that him and Shane were "next".....(WHAAAT?? THAT THIEVING, COPYCAT BASTARD!!!! FIRST HE STEALS GOLDBERG'S LOOK, NOW HE'S STEALING HIS TAGLINES???? MY GOD!!!!! HE RIPS OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!)
-commercials
-backstage, we see the Big Bossman get a beating from the CoMi bastards......poor prick...he's always getting screwed...are you sure he isn't a Hart?
-Val Venis came out and demanded that "Pritchard send them out now"
-Prince Albert (Patterson likes him in the can) came out with Droz......Ross tells those who do other things on Sunday other than watch MORE wrestling that Albert gave Venis a Nose Piercing on Heat a while back..and this was revenge.
-Venis attacked them...and handcuffed Droz to the ring post.
-Then he beat Albert quickly...and handcuffed him too.
-Then he opened up Albert's briefcase...PULLED DOWN ALBERT'S TIGHTS....and proceeded to tattoo Albert's ass with a big W or a pair of VV...however you wish to look at it.
-All I have to say is that I have NEVER seen an ass that hairy..or that mushy...
-Oh wait..scratch that...I saw it twice....Heather Shannon and her Mother...I forgot.
-Backstage, Road Dog, X-Pac, and Kane are walking around
-commercials
-Backstage, Patterson and Brisco are warming up.....Pat is wearing pants....Thank God for small favors.
-What's left of DX came to the ring.
-Kane came to the ring
-Mr Ass came to the ring.....so far, his heel push has had absolutely no point to it.
-The Acolytes came to the ring.
-X-Pac grabbed the mic and asked the Acolytes to make this a tag team match
-Mr. Ass accepted for them...allowing Faarooq to make that "confused" look on his face that he's been wearing ever since he joined this stupid company
-It went quickly enough....then Mr. Ass dropped the "Fameasser" on X-Pac and score the clean win. He ran off with the tag belt....hmm..wonder where that is going?
-By the way, Ross announced that Steve Austin and the Rock will be on hand in Atlanta to sign autographs when tickets went on sale for the Georgia Dome....trust me..if WCW got into Madison Square Garden, Bischoff would send Hogan, Nash, Flair, Sting, and Goldberg to New York to shill for them.
-commercials
-"GTV is back on the air...now we get to see Al Snow pick his nose..then eat the booger (okay...so that's gross..but we've ALL done it....Hell, I ate 7 whoppers while writing this column so far!)...the funny thing was watching him deny eating it to Head.
-The Big Show came out.....
-Bob Holly came out...and told Wight that he thinks he "sucks".....among other derogatory comments.....worked angle or not...the man has some balls.
-Holly challenged him to a Hardcore match...Wight had no problems with this....he hopped out of the ring and went after Holly.
-It went immediately outside....Wight just swatted him around.
-At one point, Holly grabbed a trash can and chucked it at Wight. The Big Show ducked..the can smacked right into the camera...nice shot.
-It spilled outside...Holly was thrown against a wall...
-Wight walked up to a ramp directly over on top of the wall....he walked up to a car parked directly over Holly...then he SHOVED THE CAR OFF THE WALL WHERE IT PRESUMABLY LANDED ON HOLLY!!!!
-Wight took the pin....naturally.
-Well, obviously, Holly was out of harm's way...then ran back and laid down....and obviously, the car was hollowed out...so it was mostly frame...but still...it's helping get The Former Giant over big time...I'm just wondering what they can do with him....unlike WCW, he doesn't exactly have a huge range of opponents who can believably fight him.
-commercials
-Vince and Shane came out...Vince stood on the Announcer table and posed for the fans.....he is an impressive specimen
-Patterson and Brisco came out to "Real American".....I'm sure there is a point to using Hogan's old theme song beyond the obvious "F-You Hulk"...but I still can't figure it out.
-Pat and Gerald go right for the attack.....Ross admitted that this sort of puts a damper on his ragging on WCW's "Geritol" athletes, but reminded us that THESE ARE NOT WRESTLERS!!!!! THEY ARE....THEY ARE.... Oh screw it.
-Shamrock flew out and went after the McMahon's....Vince ran like he was racing to the toilet before the crap forced itself out of his tushy.....and he wasn't going to make it.
-Shane stayed in, and took a NICE Belly to Belly.
-Then Rodney and Pete gas ran in and beat up Patterson.
-Then a BIG Guy hit the ring and helped with the attack...he wedged a chair between both Pat and Gerry's ankle and stomped on it. The Mean Street posse has a new member..and he's a MONSTER.
-commercials
-Triple H came out
-The Undertaker came out
-They fought for a while....HHH worked on UT's leg
-It wasn't a bad match....HHH even used the Figure Four Leglock
-UT put HHH in the Chokeslam...Chyna tried to use a chair...UT blocked it.
-The Rock ran out.....gave one of them a Rock Bottom..the bell rang.
-Maivia called out for something....something began to lower from the ceiling..
-The Rock used the People's Elbow on the UT...then punched both him and Paul Bearer in the nuts.
-What was lowered was a cross shaped like a giant Brauma Bull.....(Oh no...they wouldn't!!!!!)
-The CoMi's ran out...the attack was on.
-The Big Bossman ran in...the attack was off. The UT bailed.
-The Rock took Paul Bearer and chained him up to the cross....
-NO...DON'T YOU DARE RAISE HIM UP!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD VINCE!!!!! WHAT IF PAUL DROPPED?????? IN FRONT OF MILLIONS!!!!!! IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!
-wait a second...that would be SO COOL to see!!
-DO IT.....RAISE HIS FAT ASS UP!!!!!!!! GET HIM UP THERE VINCE!!!!!! LET'S SEE THE BELLY FLOP TO END ALL BELLY FLOPS!!!!!!!!
-No dice (aw shit)....instead, the Rock took the mic and said that he would stick his horns up the UT's ass.....wrestling is so gay.
The show ends.
The column ends.
Chris Hyatte
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