Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the June 26 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte Busy Closer this week, so we'll just jump into it right after this one bit of rhetoric... The official WCW word is that Dallas Page is taking a break and letting his shoulder rest, right? BUT... didn't Page have a nice few months off while Sullivan was running things? So, why would Page FINALLY need time to rest his shoulder when he just came off a nice, long rest? Something ain't jibing. Go call WCW Live and see how they weasel out of that one. Nitro (or: The Day the HOOOing Died) -Opens with the ending to E.R. Uh oh... Green is heading for a breakdown thanks to the ass whuppin' he received. Carol gave Ross a "drawer" to call his very own. Carter's trying to get into that Blonde's pants. Benton's about to get all messy with a British White woman... am I crazy or does TNT play this story arc every 2 and a half months? -WCW Logo. Dear God... it's starting to grow on me. -On the last Thunder, Rick Steiner got on the mic. Ugh. I refuse to believe that either Steiner Brother graduated from College without the use of their own special "Grade Curve". -On the last Thunder, Vampiro and Dale Torborg continued their thing which is already a hot front runner for "WORST ANGLE OF THE CENTURY"... It won't be able to take down Gribble N'Orii vs Pox Cotendre for possession of the Flame of Secret Passions that the Solar Cycle Wrestling Confederacy (LCWC) will throw on us in the year 2094. That stupid angle's going to make BILLIONS of people throw their Network Grid Headsets into the closest available Moon Barge Pickup in disgust. Shamus Vincent McMahon the 3rd just will NOT have what it takes, dammit. -We also saw more developments in the David-Daffney-HandCOCK Love Triangle. They blew it here. They should have made HandCOCK and Daffney the secret lovers. THAT would have been a way cool spin. -Goldberg won't hurt Animals but WILL eat Scott Hall's contract. Which is Paper... which comes from Trees... which are living things... so, why doesn't he just sit down and enjoy a Poodle Steak? IT'S (notevenclosetobeing) THE EXACT SAME THING!!!!!! -Ever notice GB's nose is crooked. Mine is too. I woke up drunk one morning to find it broken and blood everywhere. It's a symbol of TOUGHNESS!!! -I wonder if he cried like a baby too? -opens with the camera crossing the span of a WHITE Limousine... to find Ernest Miller sitting in the passenger side taking notes as the Big, Fat, Black Driver tells him how to book a show. Miller calls the Driver "Smooth" and says that these awesome ideas are going to make him rich. Ernest leaves, telling "Smooth" to sit tight and keep on thinking up these ideas. -A HUGE Black guy named "Smooth"? -... -... -Smooth? -opening theme -Tony welcomes us the Monday Nitro. Give him credit. Week after week, since the beginning of time, he has promoted the show with the exact same enthusiasm, no matter HOW down the company was. In another era, he would have made a GREAT P.R. director for Rome as the Visigoths charged down the Mountain. -They are in Des Moine, Iowa... which means that, for the first time EVER... there is a LEGITIMATE REASON why every girl in that building stinks to high heaven. -Ernest "The Cat" Miller comes out right away. The Des Moine audience ooh and ahh over his amazing tan. Let's hope he keeps up with his amazing homage to Black Stereotypes circa: the 70's. -still... after some SERIOUS thought... I've decided that Miller is MUCH more entertaining than either Bischoff OR Russo. I dare say I'd actually LIKE the guy ere it not for the fact that he GOT this job not through hard work, but because he TAUGHT THE BICHOFF'S SON KARATE!!!!! -BIG sign that reads "JEREME IS GAY!!" No, people who misspell "Jeremy" are gay. Not to mention stupid. -Miller has a mic. Behind him, some yokel flips the bird to the camera. HEY!!! F-YOU TOO, PAL!!!! -Miller says that he's is SO happy, that someone should call his "Momma". Why do ALL wrestlers say "Momma"? Would the sport die if one of them actually said, "Mother" just once? -The last time I called my Mother "Momma", her head exploded. Literally. -Miller claimed that we all knew that the Bash at the Beach was right around the corner, in Daytona. To those who are attending, I'll tell you right now... chances are, they will be staying at the "Adams Hotel", right across the street from the building. Wait an hour after show time, and you should be able to catch most of them in the Bar getting all sauced up. Unless Kevin Nash really is throwing a huge post show party at his house... then you'll only get a Lounge filled with sun-burned tourists. Then you should try to catch them during check-out time the next morning. I'm sure they will LOVE to be bothered by you Marks then... after a hard night of boozing and passing Torrie Wilson around. -In between puckering his lips, Miller promises big ass matches tonight. There will be a big four way jam with Jeff Jarrett... who is a pair of weeks away from kicking old man Hogan's ass around. -He promised that Massa Goldberg will hobble that damn Nash and then hand Scott Hall's contract to Miller so he can wipe with it. The true Ironic move would be to use the thing as rolling paper, but WCW always stops itself short in these matters. -Tony orders us to look at a sign that read "SOLDBERG"... anti-Semitic Bastard. Not ALL Jews are obsessed with buying and selling things, you know!!!!! Sure, most of them are, BUT NOT ALL!!! DAMMIT!!! -Back to explaining the four way, Miller said that there will be "qualifying rounds" to decide you gets in. Nash will have to beat Awesome, and Steiner will have to beat Shane Douglas. Goldberg, of course, gets a bye. -Miller also called Steiner "Big Poppa Dump". Which is really a bit of a compliment. I mean, what Guy ISN'T bursting with pride whenever their Poop breaks the Toilet's sea level and a Mini-Island is formed? Jesus, I take pictures. -Tony, being Tony, sniffed that this "qualifying round gimmick" is a BRILLIANT idea and it would not surprise him if their "competition" constructed a Time Machine and re-arranged History in order to make it look like THEY started the idea years ago and ran it again as recently as last week!! Then he congratulated Nitro on it's "200th consecutive ratings victory" last week and mused about how McMahon is handling his Jail time for Tax Evasion. (Hey, it's more plausible than claiming that the ratings are misleading because everyone ignores the numbers from the West Coast feed) -By the way, I am writing this while a Summer storm rages outside, so I expect my power to be cut off any minute. -Miller raved some more, then stuck out his lower lip. It would NOT shock me if they had him come out next week eating a Watermelon. Those BASTARDS!!!! -Familiar music piped in. Familiar AMERICAN music to pump us up for next week's Holiday. -Tony, "COULD THIS BEEEE????" (how DARE he get so excited) -Out comes "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan HOOOOOOOO -With a microphone HOOOOOOOOOOOO -STILL wearing the Janitor's uniform... Oh sweet Mary NOOOOOOOO -and yet... and YET... in one of the most incredible mysteries of life... the sonofabitch gets a big POP!! HOOObloodyOOOOOOOO -Duggan gets a chant of "USA" going. That Commie Bastard Miller was outraged. -He says he's been sitting in the back with his "hands in his pockets" long enough (and, "you outta know" just how "Ironic" that is... don't you think?). -Duggan is sick of seeing what Miller, Bischoff, and Russo have all done to "THE WCW" ("the"?). -Miller can't play with people's lives like they are pawns... like their lives don't matter!! GO BACK TO AFRICA!!! DAMN YOU!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOO -"Enough is enough and it's time for a change"... HOOOOOOOOOOO -"Miller might be right about one thing. The chips might be down for the Heroes. Hogan might be out. Sting might be out! But there are other Heroes willing to step forward. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN IS WILLING TO STEP FORWARD!! HOOOOOOOO" -Hacksaw said, "And Bill Goldberg? Bill Goldberg?? What have you done to Bill Goldberg? A man that I admired, when he first came to THE WCW" -Hacksaw thought that Goldberg had what it took to be a "true star". A "true hero". (yes, especially after he knocked that Canadian Bret Hart out of wrestling.) -But now, Goldberg is nothing but a "soul of a man" HOOOhuh? -Miller said that he hates "Rednecks", and Duggan has got to be "the biggest Redneck in the world" (Hmmph, I thought Buh Buh Ray Dudley was?) -Duggan, "U.S.A!!! U.S.A!!" (oh no... NO DAMMIT!! WE ARE NOT ALL REDNECKS!!! Some of us actually DON'T own pickups and DON'T beat up our wives/girlfriends.) -Miller said that Hacksaw just wrote a check and he wants to see if his butt can cash it. (So long as it has two forms of ID... it shouldn't be a problem) -So, since Hacksaw thinks that Goldberg is "half a man" then logic dictates that he only has "half an ass" (Is that ANOTHER shot at Judaism??), so Miller booked Duggan and Goldberg for tonight. -Miller, "WAZZAAAAAAAP??"... (I heard the guy who started that on Stern a few weeks ago. In a display of refreshing honesty, he said he'll do it anywhere, anytime, and is quite happy to ride the mutha out to it's end.) -Duggan, "Everyone knows, in the wrestling world, about my health problems" (Lockjaw NOT being one of them, unfortunately)... Jim pauses dramatically. Tony encourages him with a "Go on, Jim". None of the Announcers wondered why Jim is still working the "Custodial Gimmick". -"But, a man's gotta DOOOO, what a man's gotta DOOO!!" -Duggan accepted. He also wished Miller luck in explaining to Russo and Bischoff why the WCW title is suddenly around the waist of Hacksaw Jim Duggan" (Actually, it would be WAAAY cooler than the Arquette fiasco, really) -One "Tough Guy", then a final HOOOOOOOOOOOO. Hacksaw paraded around. Miller stood in the ring shaking his head as if to say, "Jesus H... look at this doofus". I can only assume many folks at home were doing the same. -The Announcers get face time. Madden runs his thumb across his throat and sneers. He truly is the total opposite of "attractive". -Madden says that Jarrett has "what everybody wants", that being the heavyweight title. That is a LIE!!! I don't want it. -Madden said that "three men at a time for Jarrett" should be "very interesting"... as well as damn SICKENING!!! IT WAS BUILT AS AN EXIT, DAMMIT!!!! NOT AN ENTRANCE!!! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE??? -BIG sign between Tony and Mark reading, "HEY ERIKA AND KYLE!!" Oh F-You with this stupid nonsense. Why can't you people be cool and bring back the HYATTE RULES signs? -Tony said that he's getting important data in his headset. He couldn't wait make it out. It's kind of tough when Bischoff is constantly on their screaming... "PLUG, HYPE, SELL, HYPE, HYPE, SELL, SELL, SELL PLUG, PLUG" all the time. -Backstage, Vampiro looks at us through a cloud of "smoke" and tries like Hell to make Torborg interesting. We can hear Bob Marley in the background. If I had that job, I'd be doing the exact same thing. -Torborg is somewhere else watching this with Asya. He stabs at the video scream and screams, "Didn't Nancy Reagan teach us ANYTHING???" I refuse to get behind a KISS fan named "Torborg". (although KISS fans know all about letting people get "behind them" if you know what I mean... heh heh heh hoo hoo hoo HAW!!!) -GOD BLESS QUEEN!!! FREDDIE LIVES!!! -commercials. AOL brings the WORLD to YOU! Great, like I don't have ENOUGH people at home telling me I suck. -Backstage Shane Douglas just learned that he has to tangle with Scott Steiner. His response... "What the F(bleep)!!" (I'm sure it was "frick", which is sweeping the nation. I have to wonder... did the big guns at Wrestleline issue a mass e-mail to it's writers explaining how wonderful "Frick" is as a substitute for the naughty word? Who's idea was this? And shouldn't he be tarred and feathered for it?) -Boy, Wrestleline is sure NIGGARDLY with the use of curse words!!! (Hey, don't get mad... it's legit) -We jump to an actual "comedy set" where Kanyon is holding a Book Signing. No one is in line. Did WCW hire a few writers from "Friends" under our noses? -Two no names are waiting in the ring as "The Filthy Animals" come out. Konan lectures the camera. If America was to bring back "Drawn and Quartered" as a form of Execution, I'd pay good money to see K-Douche get it. -My Allah in Heaven... KOBE BRYANT HAS JOINED THE FILTHY ANIMALS!!! IT'S THE COUP OF THE YE... -oh... it's just Disco Inferno in a Laker jersey. Easy mistake. -One of these no names was called "Sean O'Hare"... Tony didn't say the other one's name clearly enough. Both of them looked fully aware that they were on TV in front of millions for the first time in their lives. One of them looked exactly like I did the first time I laid on top of a girl.... for free. -Tony announced that these two kids were at the WCW Power Plant for " a mere six months" before earning TV time. (So? Arquette only needed TWO DAYS!!! Goldberg only stopped in there to use the toilet). -Konan had time to say... "Wookie Wook Jigga whaaat?" before I dove for the Fast Forward button. The reason I STAY in the suburbs is so I don't have to hear this. -I stopped in time to hear Juvee say, "The Jews is in the house and the House is in the Jews, baby!!! (well no wonder my rent has skyrocketed over the years) -It's Juventud and Rey vs. the Rookies. Hudson boasts that the two kids spent "the most physically taxing six months of these young men's lives" (Well... YOU try keeping a straight face as Buddy Lee Parker tries to explain how to get heat... those poor guys could have ruptured a SPLEEN from al the inner laughing) -Actually, I have heard, over the years, that the Power Plant is a big gyp. The gist I get is that the Company is so worried about lawsuits, that they have something like a 2 hour warmup session. -They lock up. The Animales quickly end up out of the ring. The Rookies celebrate. -One of them locks up with Juvee and ends up powering the brat across the ring. Jokes aside, these kids are strong. -Nice double teaming. Let's face it tho', they were assisted by the fact that Juventud is really good at selling shots. -Tony asked us to imagine being a "23 year old kid from Syracuse who just survived six months at the Power Plant and now they tell you that you have to be on Monday Nitro! BUTTERFLIES???" (well, the cynic in me would imagine that any butterflies in my stomach were probably drowned by the "goo" I had to ingest in order to get promoted so fast) -Juventud nearly took the Kid's head off with a Missile Dropkick. -Mysterio stayed in the corner for the most part. Because he is LAZY!!!!!! (andmaybestillhurtbutprobablyLAZY) -The Rookie evaded a opposite-side-double-dropkick (Enziguri Double Dragon Thrust Cut... for you rubes out there). Rey and Juvee collided. Groins slammed into each other. I'm still not convinced that Rey's has actually dropped yet. -The Rookie tagged his partner. Who did a double clothesline from the top corner. Juvee out Rey on his shoulders. They stayed their like two dolts while the Kids grabbed both and did a double suplex. Rey was sent out of the ring. -Juvee went for a "Rock Bottom" (JESUS F-ING CRAP!!!! WILL YOU STOP MILKING IT?????) -It was blocked and turned into a Gut Handle Suplay (shout out to Gordon Solie!! Can't wait for that Voice Box to go on EBay). Then a Rookie mounted the top rope, jumped off, rolled over, and landed neck first onto Juvee's gut. They get the upset pin. The Animales attack. -There is no way this kid will last if he intends to use that finisher forever. That neck WILL snap before long. -Lance Storm ran out and cleaned house. If ONE of the Announcers scream that he doesn't WORK for the company... I will bring back the Bounty. -Goldberg is in the building, listening to a walkman and wearing a Coors Light T-shirt. Of course, you do know that Coors has a history of only employing white people, right? Does Goldberg know this? Does he support it? Rat Bastard! -After 15 minutes, I cannot come up with a single bit of sarcastic wit as to what music Bill could be listening to. (Britney? No, too easy. Backstreet? No, too obvious. NIN? No, too unfunny. "Imus"? No, too unbelieveable. "WWF Aggression"? No, too apparent.) -WAIT!!! HE'S LISTENING TO KATHY LEE GIFFORD'S NEW CD!!! (eh... no) -commercials -Backstage, Ernest Miller orders to Filthy Animals to hunt down Lance Storm and teach him the consequences of interfering in WCW matches without being an official WCW Employee. (ARRRRRHGH!!! The sad thing is, not even *I* am dumb enough to try to place a Bounty on Miller's head. I push the envelope as far as I can, as it is.) -Backstage, Jim Duggan is wearing eyeglasses (ah, so maybe THIS explains why he sounds like a child on the mic... he can't make out the cue cards!!). His wife approaches him and tries to explain to him on camera that Goldberg isn't exactly "Mr. Considerate" when it comes to keeping his opponent safe. (I hear he almost snapped Shane Douglas's neck on Thunder last week off a botched bodyslam. Only Douglas's experience saved his ass) -Duggan, "Honey, Goldberg disrespected the fans!! I HAVE to do this HOO" -The Wife, "Jim... *sigh*" (looks to the camera) "Can you guys cut away for a second?" -Camera shakes itself no. -Duggan, "A man's got to do what a man's got to do." -Wife, "Jim... listen to me very carefully... Oldberggay urtshay eoplepay orfay ealray. Ehay inksthay isthay isay EALRAY!!!!!" -Duggan, "America is counting on me, Honey!!! HOOO" -Wife, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GET STUPIDER EVERY DAY!!!!!" -Footage from Thunder dealing with Big Vito. -Big Vito comes out. Madden explains that he carries a stick because he won many a "Stickball" championships in Staten Island. Until the Latin Kings moved in. Then those "sticks" were used in a fashion more FAMILIAR to Italians... ah yes... ah yes. -Let me put it to you this way... after the Latino Kings were through with them... The Italians QUICKLY became "KISS fans". -Big Vito got on the mic and said, "Shout it, shout it, SHOUT IT OUT LOOOOUD!!" (AHA!!!!! IT ALL FALLS TOGETHER!!!!) -He also said... well who cares?... he's not over. -It was a 3 minute rant which boiled down to an "Open Challenge" to anyone to step on out and play. -The Jung Dragons come out one at a time. Vito whacked them around one at a time. -Triple Teaming being what Triple Teaming is... The Dung Jagoffs end up pinning the Goomba. Thank GOD Frank and Dino aren't alive to see this. -Backstage, Terry Funk is busy schoolin' Johnny The Bull. He tells Bull to go "Italian" on a taped up wood figure that is supposed to represent Vito. Bull goes behind the figure and starts unbuckling his pants. Funk chaired him from behind and explains that "Hardcore" means "Watch your back"... or something. -Elsewhere, Shawn Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo raid the WCW Control Truck again. They yank off someone's femmy hat, revealing QUITE the receding hairline. The guy screamed, covered his head, and ran out of there in tears. The "Perfect Event" then pretend to be up to no good. -Elsewhere, Shane Douglas meets up with... "Smooth"... and tries to cadge a ride off him, instead of getting mowed down by Steiner. "Zmooth" instead whispers an idea in Shane's ear. Shane likes the idea... -... oops... that should be "SMOOTH"... not "Zmooth". I have no idea why I put a "Z" there. Must be because they are so close together on the keyboard. -Smooth. It's Smooth... -... -... -... -why am I sweating? I have a fan right on me. -elsewhere (AGAIN!!) The Animals plot to hunt down Lance Storm. Something tells me DINF will be doing all the work while Rey, K-Shmuck, and Juvee will be joining Vampiro in the "Smoke Room". -commercials... I cannot, for the life of me, imagine "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle" being a hit. -The Super Soaker is bringing us this show. No self respecting college Dorm or Frat House should be without one of these things. -speaking of colleges... whatever happened to those "Nitro Parties". Perchance, did they get too many videotapes of the kids watching RAW? (Oh, I'm POSITIVE of that) -Backstage, Shane Douglas is explaining to Miller that he slipped and wrenched his ankle, thus he is unable to wrestle Steiner tonight. "Smooth" (...) suggests that Bagwell fight Steiner instead. Miller likes that idea. Miller leaves. Douglas starts laughing and banging his bad foot in glee over the brilliant idea. (but.. how could he do that if he just injured his ankle? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?? I'M A WRESTLING FAN... I AM TOO DUMB TO FIGURE ANYTHING OUT FOR MYSELF!!!!) -Douglas hands "Smooth" a wad of $100 cigarettes. That's the usual rate. -Tank Abbott is backstage. After threatening some rube with manual decapitation, he plants a chair in front of a monitor to watch the show. -Three Count enters the ring. Madden being the total goober, sells away on how they are "Bigger than Backstreet, Bigger than ‘N' Sync" (see, Old School is great, but some of the stuff, like this... well, it belongs in the 80's and in the 80's it SHOULD HAVE STAYED!!!) -Three Count sing their new song... which, of course, references ALL the Boy bands of today... (I HATE shit like that... if they wanted to seem authentic, they should play it REAL!!) -Backstage, Tank Abbott is DANCING TO THIS!! (Whoa... now THAT is a shock) -The music is slowed down to Satanic level... one thing leads to if-I-had-my-druthers and... -Tank Abbott grabs Palumbo out of the truck and into the ring. Stasiak didn't try anything, he just walked with them. Palumbo was entertaining with his, "ow, ow, ow, ow, ow" -Tank throws them in and announces that this is a "gift" to the Three Count. He then announced that this is a Tag Team Title Match. -The Announcers express shock at all these would be bookers. Madden announced that HE wants to book a match. If he was allowed to continue this train of thought... there is no question that it would involve some sort of Titty Fight for him to behave like the CHERRY HE IS!!! -I am CONVINCED that the only time Mark's been laid is when he pays for it. and I DON'T mean "paying" like ALL men do once these... these... these LEECHES get their fangs into you and suck your bank account DRY!!!! -exceptformybabywhoisanANGEL -So, it's SHANNON AND SHANE (not the other way around) fighting the Perfect Event. It takes a full MINUTE into the match before Madden smartly points out that it appears to be Shannon and Shane as the opponents. Shrewd incite, jerkweed. -It's your standard tag team match. Who is the Face team here? -BIG sign that reads "FREW IS A PUNK"... I happen to know for a fact that while this guy is holding up this stupid sign, "Frew" is busy boffing the guy's WOMAN!! WHO'S THE PUNK NOW???? -The Evente Perfecto won after a Double Flapjack on one of them. Clean wins all around. -After the match, Tank knocked both tag champs out with one punch. -Aw crap... I'm way off. Serves me right for trying to recap by memory. Actually, Kronic ran out and destroyed the tag champs. Then they turned to leave. Three Count came back into the ring and tried to sing again. Kronic turned around and attacked them. Tank came out and knocked out both members of Kronic with one punch each. THAT'S what happened. -You know... it's ridiculous... completely illogical... incredulous... and about as believable as GWB's platform... but DAMN if Tank being a fan of Three Count isn't an INGENIOUS move. It's so... out there... it actually works!! Well done. -Juventud is stomping around backstage... looking for Lance Storm. He gets popped on the noggin' by a stick, then falls down. The camera refuses to move 3 FEET TO THE LEFT to see who hit him. I think it's Hitler. -Elsewhere, the Wifey is still trying to reason with Hacksaw. -Elsewhere, Goldberg is on his way out, muttering, "I'll give this guy something to ‘hooo' about!". Terry Taylor is running behind him screaming, "FOR CHRISSAKES BILL!!! NO IMPROVISING!!! STICK TO THE SCRIPT!!" Taylor stops and yells behind him, "SOMEONE GET OUR INSURANCE COMPANY ON THE PHONE!!!" (pray for Hacksaw... pray) -commercials -Elsewhere... Kanyon's once empty line is now filled. The Announcers are perplexed. Camera cuts to a sign reading, "DRINK VOUCHERS FREE!! NO ONE UNDER 21" Suddenly, Matthew Perry comes out and says "Can you BE more desperate?" Cue laugh track. -video tape footage played over sombering music meant to stir our hearts over the hardships that Duggan has gone through. hooooo -hoo hoo hoo HEE HEE HEE HAW HAW HAW BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA -Haha HA.. *huff huff*... I'm sorry... but I cracked up over the line, "I promise, I will have more impact on this sport in the next few years, than I've had in the twenty before" HAHAHAAHAA -Oh dear... excuse me while I rewind my tape. -... -.BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA -Oh God... too funny.. too funny -Hacksaw comes out. With a board AND an American Flag. Because NOTHING says America than a piece of plywood. -The Cat comes out and reminds Duggan that there will be NO interference... and that the 2 by 4 is banned. So Jim has to get rid of it. -He did, but not without protest. -Goldberg comes out. Tony tries to get the "Soldberg" moniker going. -Jesus... this is going to be a mess. It's also very smart booking. -The Bell rang. They go nose to nose and start mouthing at each other. I will personally lick each and every one of your bungholes clean if you can offer actual prove that Duggan did NOT use the words "guy" and "tough" in his stream of words. -They start exchanging punches. Duggan gets the better of Goldberg. Tony is amazed. -COME ON JIMMY!!!! WIN ONE FOR THE OLD SCHOOL MID SOUTH FANS WHO USED TO WATCH YOU TOSS TED DIBIASE AROUND!!!!!!!! -For you kids out there... there actually WAS a time... long, long ago, when Hacksaw actually OWNED Oklahoma and parts of Louisiana. -The he came to the WWF and got busted with the Iron Sheik for pot possession. McMahon called in a LOT of favors to get that one squashed. -GB hit Duggan with a clothesline. Then dumped him out of the ring. -On the outside, Duggan fought back. He put Goldberg in a headlock, screamed, "HOOO" and tried to run his head into the steel post. I heard Goldberg mutter, "F-You with this 80's sh*t" and shoved him into the post. -Back in the ring, GB wrenched Duggan's neck. Duggan looked around for a "USA" chant. Since when did Bill start hailing from Iraq? -Goldberg tossed Jimmy around... looking in the camera and asking Nash if he likes this? -Madden "quotes" Shakespeare, "The quality of mercy is not strained, but Goldberg knows nothing about mercy!" Bullsh*t... Skakespeare did NOT KNOW GOLDBERG!!!! -Here's a quote from Shakespeare, "E're be the Jester who wears too much flesh around the middle. Only through the belittlement of others shall he experience joy!" (in other words... Fat Bastards get off on breaking balls to compensate for their own sensitivities!!!) -That's a real quote too... it's in the second act of Othello II: Iago's Wrath... towards the bottom. -Duggan rebounded with a body slam. Then he got ready for his big finish. That silly ass clothesline that holds the record for consecutive times it's NEVER been believable. -GB, meanwhile, stood up and speared Hacksaw. He followed this with the Jackhammer. He got the pin. -THEN... he proceeded to flail away at Jimmy's empty space which used to hold a Kidney. -THEN (2)... he looked into the camera and laughed at Nash. "How do you like me now?" -Jimmy was able to eat a blood capsule in time for the closeup. American is left lying in it's own blood as Judaism walks tall. By God, Art imitates Life in the Hallowed Halls of Sports Entertainment. -The Wife is out... calling up the tears. Methinks Jimmy may have put the Life Savings into Amazon.com. -Nash is walking around. -Backstage, a pack of mid carders are none too pleased with what just happened. Suddenly, Hacksaw is WCW's version of Mick Foley. -Tony, "It's a Black Day in WCW" (Why? Did they bring back Master P?) -commercials -Backstage, Hacksaw is being loaded into an ambulance. Nash announces that "The Sh(bleep) has to stop, man" and storms off. -Mike Awesome comes out to lose... AGAIN. (When does he WIN?) -Kevin Nash comes out. Madden calls him the "Sexecutioner"... that may be the gayest thing Madden has ever said in his LIFE. -They lock up. Awesome with a headlock. Nash dumps him out of it... then does that knee in the corner thing. -It ain't an official match until Big Sexy flips his hair, dammit. -Big Sexy flips his hair... NOW THE BELL RINGS DAMMIT!!! -I AM wondering just how the heck they are going to get Scott Hall back into the company... because right now, it's looking like Goldberg is unbeatable. (chalk THAT up to good ol' fashion BOOKING!!!) -Nash owns for a bit, but Awesome fights back. Nice Flying clothesline. -Awesome with a Frogsplash. Nash kicks out. -Awesome tried for a Powerbomb. Nash backdrops out. -It spills outside. -It spills inside. Awesome brings a chair with him. -Said chair gets booted into Awesome's face. -Nash gets the pin. Awesome is really just a Jobber to the Stars... isn't he? -Tygress finds Rey Rey, who has been tuned up. I blame Reid Flair. -Buff Bagwell is all set to rock. -Scott Steiner is all set to rock -commercials... ever notice that the Simpson's skin is the exact same color as the Butterfinger's wrapper? -Konan is busy talking to himself loudly. He gets caned. The camera STILL refuses to budge two feet to see who could have done it. I think GOD did it. -Tony pushes WCW Reload. Because the Internet was MADE to hear Bob Ryder's Southern drone. -Last Monday & Wednesday: Buff and the Franchise's program went full steam ahead. -Buff Bagwell came out. If I were gay, he'd make my Bag Swell!!! -Oh I just suck. -Steiner comes out, preceded by... Malaysia? Isn't that some sort of Disease you can get from banging Viet Cong babes? -And isn't there enough girls in wrestling with an "A" attached to the end of their names? -Buff flexes in front of Steiner. Steiner flips him off. Austin better HAUL ASS BACK TO TV LAND DAMMIT!!!! THIS IS NOT GOOD!!!!!! -Steiner starts pummeling Buff in the corner. Then he kisses his muscle, and drops an elbow. Let's start calling it the "Douchebag's Elbow"! -Weren't these guys best friends, or something? -Buff launches an offensive... highlighted by a "Corner Bounce Reverse Vader Drop Fujinaka Dump" (you gonna be an Idiot and argue with me?) -Steiner ties up Buff in the "Tree of Woe". Any second now, he's gonna turn into a Snake. -Buff with a bad DDT. -Buff sets up for the Blockbuster... and HITS IT!!! -Steiner kicks out. Madden asks Hudson if he can believe that? Hudson yells, "Of course I can, stupid!! It's right here on page 23." -Steiner with a Belly to Belly.. and a pin. He won. -So, it's set up to be Nash, Steiner, and Goldberg against Jarrett... call me crazy, but this sounds like a No Rules tag match now. -Steiner and Buff shake hands and hug later. Awwww... where's my gun? -Shane Douglas is in and attacks Buff. Steiner chases him away. Ooo, that no good, sneaky... -Paula Pollshock brings airheadedness (huh?) to a NEW level as she allows Jeff Jarrett to talk trash about everyone he's supposed to talk trash about tonight. -commercials -Ms HandCOCK steps out of David Flair's dressing room and walks away. Daffney is hiding right around the corner and is SEETHING. -Ms HandCOCK comes out. She has a mic. Madden announces that he grew up wanting to be Ric Flair, now he wants to be David Flair. (Either way, he's a WANNABE) -HandCOCK announces that she has problems keeping things on. Hudson tells Madden to get a "hold of himself". Madden says, "Already did!" (classy... even though I say crap like that all the time) -HandCOCK does her thing. Madden says "Snootchie Bootchies" -Daffney runs in and yanks HandCOCK down by her hair. Madden, in FULL BELLOW, "CATFIGHT, CATFIGHT, CATFIGHT" (Amazing... now Lawler seems subdued. Amazing (part deux)... Madden actually rips off Lawler in front of thousands?) -They fight... HandCOCK refuses to take off her glasses... -HandCOCK walks away. Daffney grabs the mic and says that as punishment for trying to steal her fiancee by challenging her to a match at BAB. Daffney assures her that after she's done tuning on her skinny ass, HandCOCK will be tossed out of WCW and back into her old job slinging chicken wings at Hooters. Then Daffney screamed. -I'd take Daffney... any day... over the blonde. I've seen more character on the face of a plate of flattened out mashed potatoes. HandCOCK does NOTHING for me. -Backstage, DINF finds the rest of the Animals. To sum up... either Hitler, Reid Flair, or God is responsible for these attacks. Or all three. -commercials -It's Act Three of Kanyon's Book Signing. Booker T shows up to whup ass. Matt LeBlanc arrives and asks the closest babe, "How YOU doin'? Cue music... "bwaw waw waw WA WAW WAW WAW WAW WAAAAAAW" -Ms HandCOCK tells Paula Pollshock that they might as well make it a "Wedding dress Match" as the BAB. Pollshock is getting a might too... comfortable... in front of the camera. Suddenly... I don't know why... but I have this incredible urge to pee on Ms Handcock's face. -Disco Inferno comes out. Madden refers to the just announced Wedding Gown match by screaming, "I DO, I DO, IDOIDOIDO" -Let's take a second to reflect on ALL the sign ideas Madden is desperately begging us to bring to the shows and get him over... 1) Snootchie Bootchies 2) Spinerooni (MY invention, by the way... Suldog can go F-himself) 3) CATFIGHT 4) Whatever stupid ass name he came up for whatever stupid ass move Stupid Ass Konan does. 5) Kevin Nash: The Sexecutioner -I hope... no... I BEG OF YOU... do NOT even THINK of making signs off HIS phrases. Instead, try making signs to "honor" him. Such as.... -1) Madden fears Skill -2) Madden is Lawler's BITCH -3) Madden is a Fat F*ck -4) Madden is Ugly -5) Madden is a Virgin -6) Madden Sucks -7) I Will Never Watch Nitro with Madden -8) Madden = Mute Button -There you go. -DINF enters the ring and challenges Lance Storm to come on out and fight. DINF claims that he doesn't know if Storm is "Stupid, Canadian, or Both" (all SORTS of oxymorons there). -Storm is out... and proceeds to show DINF what ECW is all about. -Madden says that Storm doesn't even WORK THERE!! THAT'S IT!!!! I AM PLACING A BOUNTY ON THIS A-HOLE'S FAT ASS!!!! KNOCK HIS HEAD OFF AND I'LL GET YOU LAID!!! NOT BY ME... NO GAY B-JOBS... I'LL GET YOU AN HONEST TO GOODNESS FEMALE!!! AND I'LL PAY YOU $500!!! -THAT'S RIGHT... $500!!! I WANT HIS LOVE HANDLES!! SLICE THEM OFF AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!! -For Chrissakes... he doesn't even work here... how goddam stupid do they think we are? No WONDER they pulled 2's across the board in the second hour. They absolutely SUCK!!!! -saidpaymentwillbeathirdpartycheck -saidfemalenotnecessarilyattractive -saidfemalenotnecessarilyliving -they go at it. DINF does his best, because WCW simply canNOT lay down for someone so small time as an Ex-ECW Employee. Really, Storm just outclassed him all the way. -Storm won with a NICE rollover single legged crab submission... The rest of the Filthy Animals ran out. Storm took a beating. Billy Kidman ran out with a CANE!!!!! Billy Kidman attacked the MEXICANS!!! (andonegoofyItalian). Kidman cleans house. Kidman and Storm form a partnership of sorts. Kidman is a face again. I see a pretty groovy tag team here. I like it. -So, Kidman sure ain't Reid Flair... and I really can't see him being Hitler... so I guess KIDMAN IS GOD!!!! -Allthough I doubt God would give himself a big nose like that... but screw it. -Torborg took an hour and 50 minutes to muster up the courage to enter Vampiro's "area"... which will not stop me from barely commenting on the next segment. -commercials -Vampiro and Torborg mess around in the famed "Boiler room". Vampiro ends up putting Torborg in a "coffin" (well, DUUH... doesn't EVERY arena keep at least 1 coffin around?). Vampiro starts talking into Torborg's face. Sting creeps up from behind wearing a black cloak & hood (which was VERY creepy). Knocks out Vampiro. Stands over him. Places a Sting Mask on Vampiro's face. Last week, "Dale" became "God".. this week, "Dale" is back to being one of the lamest names a parent can give a child. -The Announcers, naturally, refuse to make any definitive proclamations... instead, they speculate, speculate, speculate. Some things remain perfectly consistent. -backstage Paula Pollshock talks to the Filthy Animals. Konan did the talking. Can I go home yet? -commercials -Jeff Jarrett comes out. Tony runs down some Nitro dates. There is a special TUESDAY Nitro coming in three weeks. I might as well announce this now... I ain't gonna be recapping it. In fact, pencil that in as another week off for me. HEY, EAT ME!! Haven't you noticed how friggin' CONSISTENT I've been lately? -Tony also pushes the new Saturday morning TBS show. Notice his voice dropped a bit. Tony remembers. Tony cares. -Steiner comes out. -Nash is SUPPOSED to come out... but he didn't. -We see why, Goldberg has ambushed Nash and we see him punching away at him. -ONLY 18 AND A HALF MONTHS UNTIL NASH'S CONTRACT EXPIRES -Goldberg wraps this up and stomps over to the ring. -Meanwhile, Jarrett has attacked Steiner and works him over inside and out of the ring. -Steiner makes his comeback. -Jarrett is tied up in the Tree of Woe. Steiner wants to turn into a snake and DAMMIT, HE'S GONNA GET HIS CHANCE!!!! -Eventually, Goldberg shows up. He hoists Steiner high up (now THAT'S impressive) and drops him down hard. -Steiner goes for the Spear. but Goldberg gets out of the way. Reverse the names and it all works. -Steiner with the Belly to Belly. Jarrett yanks the Ref out mid-count. -It's Two on One. GB enjoys the "GOLDBERG SUCKS" chant. -GB ties up Steiner's arm. Jarrett kicks away. -Mike Awesome shows up for no reason. He took the US title belt and walked away, -Steiner launches a comeback. He catches a Jarrett "Hurricarana" attempt and turns it into Powerbomb. -Awesome is back in and hits Steiner with his own belt. -Nash wakes up and runs back in. It's him and Jarrett in the ring. -Nash chokeslams Jarrett. Powerbombs Awesome. Boots Goldberg. Hudson DEMANDS a DQ. Wasn't it only two weeks ago that all three announcers were boasting about WCW's new RELAXED RULES?????? F-MONKEY!!!!! -Nash tries to Jackknife Goldberg. Jarrett hits him. -Nash tries to Jackknife Jarrett. Goldberg gives him a side kick. Nash drops. Jarrett pins him and wins. -Goldberg then produces the tattered, partially digested remains of Scott Hall's contract. The Announcers bemoan the fate of life as we know it. The Announcers need to get laid. -The show ends. The streak continues. What we had here was a tightly wrapped show, well booked, well paced. New talent was showcased, established names were put up against RAW, and despite some typical WCWish bullcrap that makes this show eternally inane was kept to a minimum. Clearly, they have a plan. Keep it simple, keep it respectable. RAW, though... shuffled things around with NO hoopla... NO two week promotional campaign. They just moved things around. Plus, Foley was back and Lawler rules. Just on the fact that they recognized a need for change, and did so without screaming it in our faces... RAW wins. You simply do NOT disrespect a show that features a rare appearance from Jerry Lawler, dammit... you just don't. Now for the Closer So, I'm figuring that for a fresh new closer, I'd take one FINAL look at an old favorite from back in the red stripe days. I ran this thing 3 times in the past… the last being easily over 2 and a half years ago. It takes so long between lists because I couldn't get any new faces whose names I can remember. I STILL can't… which is why there is one name that's been here before. I figure, ANY long time reader will know what this is by now… for those who don't… well I USED to call it the "Best Actress List"… that lasted one time. Then I started getting cockier and bigger and this sort of nonsense became expected of me… So, without further adieu, and for the LAST TIME EVER (!!!!) allow me to present to you, another edition of the most pointless Closers I have ever produced. All new, all different, with only ONE name leftover from the last time I did this… grab your overcoats fans boys and get ready to run to that certain video store filled with fat boys, bitter old men, and Internet Writers… because T.T. Boy Hyatte once again brings to you THE TOP TEN BEST PORN STARS 10) Vince Voyeur: Hey, I ain't no fag and this isn't a swerve list with just guys.... but let's face it, he Brother is tight, ripped, SHREDDED, and has nice hair. I especially like those "Spice" adds where he is posing naked with his fist on his chin as if he was thinking deeply. N-Word PLEASE… MY Man don't THINK. The only thing swimming in this guy's head is whatever drug he's injecting to keep that thing cranked for hours on end. Sometimes, he's doing a babe and I'm pulling pud over HIM!! Look at his contemporaries? Tony Tedeshi is fugly, greasy, and has this flab of white jelly around his abdomen. That dude is a MESS. 9) Misty Rain: Okay, this girl had the whole Shaggy Brown Hair-Cindy Crawford Mole-Different from all the Rest, thing going. Then she went straight blonde and dropped some baby fat. She probably had some boobies enhanced… but they all do. She seems to like using her mouth. So she's ACES!! 8) Chloe: Now she's STICKING with the plain brown hair thing. Her boobs aren't anything to drool over either… and I've banged prettier faces during my drunken Friday nights after the clubs closed. She gets in because she SELLS. Once she's in the act, she got the best damn facial expressions I've ever seen. It's almost like she's not acting. Once, she was telling some guy to… "reposition" himself… and when he did, her eyes went crosseyed on the spot. "No, not there.. move over. A little to the left. (cross eyes, face lurches skyward) ohh, right there!" Every girl should look so real. 7) Taylor Hayes: Huge chest. Nice ass. Dumber than a box of rocks. Basically, the Living Dream of any guy who's wife suddenly gained 100 pounds and a mouthy attitude when he wasn't looking. 6) Kobe Tai: Because man cannot live on white meat alone. Plus, this girl is CUT. I saw one guy grab her ass and the damn thing barely budged. Girl puts in SERIOUS gym time. Her one problem is that her teeth are too white and too sharp looking. Like she's eat your face off if you blew your load too early. Still, she puts fat Asia Carrera to shame. 5) The Unknown Porn Star: Kicking off the top five. This is whoever YOU want. It represents all the blonde, vacuous Vivid chicks who are hotties, but I haven't made much of an effort to learn their names. So, it's whichever cooze you want. I, personally, am thinking of this one blonde chick who looks like a 35 year old pulling off the 25 year old look. She's got big teeth and sharp, sharp cheekbones. She also looks skeletal, as if she's spent the last 3 years eating nothing but Heroin and Private parts. 4) Alexa Rae: I like her hair. Nice and bouncy and healthy. Great titties too. Nice face. Seems seriously F-ed up in the head. What's not to like? 3) Sindee Cox: Haven't seen much of her in a while. Which probably means she's packed on about 50 pounds. But in her prime, she had this Play-Doh face that was all sorts of cute. She was also a total Demon in the sack. That kind of juxtaposition kept my pants down around my ankles whenever she showed up on screen. 2) Raylene: Oh I love this girl. She's tall, HUGE chested, and red headed. She also always wears a look on her face that reminds me of those POW's in the Gulf who were forced to denounce America on video. Great ass too. I would hunt her down, bang her, then chop her up and mail her parts to all my ex girlfriends if it weren't for the fact that she looks a LOT like my Cousin's new Wife, both of whom live downstairs from me. I don't want to bang my Cousin's wife. I DO want to bang Raylene... badly... violently. 1) Shayla LaVeaux: Shayla has been around a while. I'd be shocked if she wasn't pushing thirty. Shayla can look like a completely innocent cheerleader one minute, and a raging bull slut machine the next. Shayla also kisses better than any porn girl I've seen. Deep soul kisses. She don't F-around. I have never seen her look bad. She ALWAYS looks incredible. That's it The whole she-bang (HAW). 10 (mostly) new girls. I could have used some names I've put in here before, but both Jenna Jameson and Chasey Lane are apparently TOTAL head cases now. Jill Kelly seems to now only do movies with some zombie named "Jim Holiday", who may be the creepiest man I've ever seen. Kaitlen Ashley hasn't been seen or heard in years now. Asia Carrera is played out. Janine is busy convincing herself that her poop don't stink. I've only been enjoying porn for 5 years or so, but I've noticed that these babes don't have much of a shelf life. Every five years, it's a whole new set of bims. I COULD have included Houston, but Houston may be the ugliest "hot babe" alive. Incredibly ugly, that one. So, that does it for the Best Porn Star List... FOREVER. Well, figure it took me WELL over 2 years to get this crop together. I'm going to retire the column in 23 and a half months. I doubt I'll have the time now. Besides, I don't need Porn anymore. I have my OWN Porn Star now. Of course, she isn't an F-Machine like these girls. She's got brains. But, since things are quite nice now, there is no need for video stimulation. I guess then this was my FAREWELL to porn stars. FAREWELL!!! GOODBYE!!! Because as the saying goes... why rent the videotape of the cow when you got all the Butt Steak you need at home? That's right. I've said enough. With any luck, this should be posted on Tuesday night. Scratch that... I fell asleep Monday night. There's no way in hell this'll be out on Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday morning, if we're lucky R.I.P WCW Saturday Night. The show almost single handily kept WCW from being swallowed whole by the WWF in the 80's. So of course, Eric pissed it away. 1 out of every 3 of you suck This is Hyatte