Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the June 26 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "My gut feeling is that you are the alter-ego of Dave Meltzer, only because you're the only web 'journalist' who doesn't name-drop him like God every week. One of those "king in commoner's clothing" things, I bet." Kutulu... obviously from the Xiante Xish tribe in Kenya. No, I ain't Meltzer. I just don't name drop him because I'm not as enamored by him as everyone else seems to be. Hi there, I am Chris and this is the Warsaw Pact. Lots of little, minor stuff that go all over the place for this week's openers… so let's get to it. First of all, let's get right to this before I throw myself out of a window. Three weeks ago I said: "Scaia has all but announced Angle as the shoe-in to win... which of course means that Angle won't even be in the building that night." And last week I said: "Do you realize that if Angle wins the whole she-bang, I will have to admit that Rick Scaia was RIGHT??? Oh Jesus Glaser all F-ing mighty... next week will be a dark week indeed... indeed" Who would have thought? I mean, he's always so wrong about so many things. I'm starting to wonder if "Ask the Rick" isn't some sort of an attempt at humor or something. The Expert who never gets it right. Plus he's SUCH a blowhard... so friggin' immersed in his own self importance. But... he nailed it. Nailed it right up the wazoo. He tagged the Angle victory before anyone else. Now I have to admit it. Not for any reason other than I am a man of pride and fairness... so: Le Rick Scaia était mort sur les boules qui sont droites sur l'angle à des Kurt qui gagne le roi de l'anneau. Le Rick Scaia a des choses droit sur une quantité. Le Rick Scaia est un génie. Je suis des Rick Scaia toal et femelle complète. Je prie dessus des Rick Scaia. Je voudrais pénétrer des Rick Scaia. Je le souhaite invide anal! There... not an insult in the whole statement... glad that's over. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moving on: "Niggardly" means "stingy", so Vince McMahon was correct in saying it. It did spark off a few e-mail and one really good ICQ debate between me and a few readers. I would just like to point out two things regarding this, then we can drop it: 1) In Washington DC, and Assistant to the Mayor once used the word "niggardly" during a Press Conference. He was subsequently fired. 2) McMahon's testimony was 40 pages long. Of ALL the possible quotes to use, ever stop to wonder why Mike picked THAT one? Because he was weirded out by it too. Or, he just knew morons like me would hop all over it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you are fans of "Survivor"... and don't want to know what's ahead... I have a spoiler in this next section. I'll separate it from the rest of the column by boxing it off. If you don't want to see the show's future, then skip this part. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I read on www.survivorsucks.com that when the two groups finally combine, the 8 survivors will be: Kelly, Richard, Gervase, Jenna, Greg, Colleen, Susan, and Rudy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There. Put your hand over the top part if you don't even want to see this peripherally. Personally, and this is just MY opinion, which has no bearing in fact... I think the gay guy and the Navy Seal will be the last two. I'm going to go out on a limb and give the whole thing to Rudy. Because Richard is too conniving and when it's up to everyone else to pick the winner, a lot of them won't give it to that sneaky ass Queen. Rudy is just minding his own business and working to win. I'm picking him. Let's see... I say the KOTR. I thought it was excellent. But you know what? That "Hardcore Evening Gown Match"? Even I have to say... "No mas, No Mas". The entire ordeal freaked me out. It freaked the entire building out too. I have NEVER seen such a hot crowd cool down so F-ing fact before in my LIFE. I might even have been to blame for this. Thanks to me, Patterson's lifestyle is now VERY well known, and not as "taboo" as it would have been a few years ago. They see me making cracks about it for the past 2 years, (although for some amazingly stupid reason, Scaia would tell you that Zimmerman is the "Master Of the Patterson Joke") and see that it's really no big deal. So they play around with it now. This Gown match tho'... oh Lord... MUCH too much. One more thing. After being on the Net for 3 years now. I have always kept quiet about Sports Writers talking trash about the wrestling. Well, I've finally decided to say something. E-Mail me, and I'll tell you the real deal on Sports Writers and why they really shouldn't get you all bent out of shape. In fact, it's safe to say that I'll have something to say on some subject at the beginning of EVERY week, and will invite you to e-mail me so I can tell you about it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FINALLY... I have heard your e-mails, (last week's e-mail load rivaled that of my best days at the old place, unless I was running a Poll) and have listened. No more whining, and yes... there IS a Closer at the bottom of the Nitro recap. It's not a re-post of anything, but I've brought back an old favorite for a fresh new look. You haven't seen this in a while, or EVER for a good chunk of you who came to the party a year or two late... but it was always a fun topic. Plus, it's one of those things that have no business being in a Wrestling column, which is always a PLUS. Anyway, enough hootin' and hollerin'. I've said m'peace. Got me two shows to look at... and if I type fast enough and not take too many jerk off breaks (last night... 3 times in six hours... I damn near ran outside naked and celebrated in the middle of the street).. we might... we might... we just might get this thing off to Trey in time for a Wednesday morning posting. Wouldn't THAT be something? Oh yeah, if you checked out that X-Men review on Ain't It Cool I told you about last week ... let me know what you thought of it. I'm curious. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RAW IS WAR (or: a BOLD NEW DIRECTION!! Starring the Rock vs Triple H... again) -opens with Hacksaw vs Goldberg!! I can't leave Hacksaw at a time when he needs us fans the most! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -Sure I can. I was cheering for the Cancer. -opening theme -Fireworks. One that explodes right in my FACE!!! ARRGH!!! I'M BLIND!!! -excuse me while I grope around looking for the phone. Gonna call 1-800-Sue-the-Bastards. -They are in Worcester, Mass. Pronounced "Woo-ster". -Worcester, is Boston's bitch, and this is never more apparent, then with the years long battle between the two towns' major Radio stations. You might enjoy this bit of petty nonsense that is usually reserved for Online Wrestling Sites.. -Boston has WBCN. A relatively famous station that used to be more Classic rockish, but changed formats to more "Alternative" fare in the mid 90's. -Worcester has WAAF. Which has stayed the same, pretty much... harder edge rock. -WAAF has a the classic "red headed stepchild" complex. It always runs second to BCN. It upped it's little shots after BCN went to a Alternative format. -WAAF once had "Opie and Anthony" for it's Drive Home shift. BCN had and has Stern in the mornings. -WAAF had to fire O & A for saying or doing something. I can't recall. -O & A went to New York in the Drive Home shift. Where they have amassed a bit of a following. -BCN USED to have Mark Parento in the afternoons. But he left and took a job in New York, where I guess he's doing fine. -O & A syndicated their show. -BCN picked up O & A. Basically a big F-YOU to AAF. -AAF is still a primarily a hard rock station. BCN plays Eminem and alternative stuff. -BUT... BCN has Stern, O & A, AND Loveline in the evenings. That's a lot of talk for a Music format station. -Finally, while I truly think I can live life quite nicely without hearing Opie and Anthony say a single word... I will still safely bet the farm, that these two Einsteins are MUCH funnier than that Mancow douchebag. -And so ends my dissection of Massachusetts radio. -And so ends at least 50% of my readership this week. -Jim Ross welcomes us to Wooster, announces that The Rock is the new WWF champ, introduces himself and Lawler, and reminds us that they are "live"... in that order. -The Rock steps out. He is just about to enter the ring when Lillian Garcia introduces him. Thanks for the Info, babe. -Rock stalks around with a mic. Camera cuts to a pair of guys with tank tops and shaved heads. Not the best possible juxtaposition they could have come up with in a house filled with people. CAN WE SAVE THE RACIAL SYMBOLISM FOR THE DOWN HOME BOYS ON TNT PLEASE????? -Rocky takes his time actually USING the mic... I use the time productively by checking to see if I made proper use of the word "juxtaposition" -I didn't... or maybe I did. Not sure. -Finally, the Rock says "Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Wooster!!" -"Finally, all the Games are over, because Finally, the Rock is Finally the WWF champ!" -Rocky goes for Vince McMahon, 6telling him that he still has things to be thankful for... such as being the owner of a multi-million dollar company, being the owner of a beautiful House, being the owner of luxurious cars, being the owner of "the best penis implant money can BUY!!" -Ross claimed not to have known that. Lawler asked if he was allowed to even say that? -I wonder if USA will now get VERY niggardly with the WWF's content? Since they just lost everything. -I wonder if this will all end up being RAW, Nitro AND ECW contending for Monday nights? And if so... I ain't recapping all three. -The Rock said that since he won the title, he now owns Vince's ass. -Then, he announced that the "McMahon/Helmsley Faction" is now "over" and the Rock's Era has just begun. Which will last until one of those movie deals he's about to sign goes into effect. -WAIT!!!! I GOT IT!!! Rocky should star in a movie franchise based on Luke Cage!! Put a metal bandanna on his head, a chain around his tight jeans, an open chest canary yellow shirt, and BOOM!!! Power Man!! -of course, you have to keep it true to comic book standards... so only white guys can write his street Hip Hop dialogue, "Wazzup dere, Honky?" -Iron Fist can be played by... umm... Ben Stiller! No... *snap* Stephen Baldwin!! -I smell a hit! -By the way, The Baldwin Boys are Alec, William, Danny, and Stephen... right? BUT, there is a Baldwin named Adam ("My Bodyguard", "ID4") who looks like he fits right in... yet nobody ever mentions him. Is he a Baldwin Bother too? If so, why is he ignored? -Vince K. (Get those boos in now, because I'm going to go work on the is XFL thing for a while) McMahon comes out. He enters the ring and asks for the microphone. Cautiously, the mic exchanges hands. -Vince says, "First of all..." then congratulates Rocky on winning. Ever stop to contemplate the actual meaning of the phrase, "First of all"? All WHAT? -"Furthermore.." then he wished Rocky good luck with the new Rock Era. Ever stop to wonder what... oh forget it. -Why is a white guy in the front row holding up a sign that reads, "I AM SHAFT"? He's going to get killed. -Vince asked Rocky why he thinks Vince would be so gracious at this time? The fans tried to answer with a chant of "ASSHOLE", but Vince said that wasn't the reason. -Vince said that as he laid on his back in the middle of the ring at the Fleet Center, recovering from the agonizing pain that came from the Rock Bottom. (Trust me... one rock in YOUR bottom and you WILL know what pain is). -Vince said that he had an "Epiphany" last night.... (God Bless Strip Clubs) -Vince said that he was lying there, wondering why his Wife got all in his face all of the sudden, tempting fate, risking retribution... -Vince, "Why Linda? Why?" (*sigh*... you know... all these shots at Bret Hart have GOT to stop.) -Vince said that it all came to him. Linda's actions as of late were driven strictly on LOVE. Linda LOVES Vince. Vince loves Linda too. (Geezer Love... is there ANYTHING more nauseating?) -Vince decided that this has all been just Linda vying for Vince's attention. For his affection. Apparently, once you had Mac, you never go back! -Soooo, from here on out, Linda's gonna get all the attention she wants and then some... be it "tender caressing, or rough and ready" (SPREAD THEM CHEEKS BABY!! BOOOYAAAA!!!!) -It dawned on Vince that not only does Linda want Vince's love and affection, but she wants the FRUITS of Vince's love and affection. In short... Linda wants another Baby. (err... kind of like trying to grow corn in the Gobi, isn't it?) -And if it's a baby Linda wants... well by God, Vince is her "Genetic Jackhammer!" -"Linda, DADDY'S COMIN' HOME!!!!" -This guy might be the dopiest Multi-Millionaire on the planet. No wonder he's looked at as an oddity. -Vince faced the Rock, and said that he wants bygones to remain bygones, and offered his hand. -careful deliberation... mindful procrastination... watchful consternation... painful constipation (oops, sorry, that's me) -playful masturbation... (oops.. me again... sorry) -Rocky took the hand. He smiled brightly. -Then he refused to let go of Vince's hand. Oh, the overacting here would make Ed Wood scream, "CUT!!" -Rocky motions for the microphone. Vince hands it over. Still not letting go, Rocky says that before Vince goes to "make babies with Linda". Rocky has a few more things to say. -Rocky says that Vince still is the owner of this Multi-Million dollar company. As well as a possible "stud in bed"... but Rocky wants him to know one thing... Vince still is, and probably will always be, and "Ass(Bleep)le" -Then Rocky "Rock Bottoms" Vince again. The music plays. -Lawler, "You can't make babies on your back Vince, get up!" (say whaa?) -Ross promises that the "King will be in action tonight" (LAWLER!?!?!? ALL RIIIIIGHT!!!!) -backstage, a Limo pulls up. Shawn Michaels is in the building. Is it time for another Heel/Face turn? Where does the time go? -commercials -backstage, Stephanie tries to talk her Father into hanging around. Vince says he wants to go home, but tells Steph to tell HHH.... (dramatic pause)... "I'm sorry." -Vince leaves... who knows for how long? I would assume that it all depends on whether Austin will be ready to get back to bizness in a couple of months. -Anyone else wonder why Stephanie is there, but HHH isn't? -No? Me neither, quite frankly. In fact, I'd be pretty damn worried about myself if I DID wonder. -Rikishi comes out with his freshly won Inter-Continental title. He won it on Smackdown. I would have watched it, but I was too busy staring at my phone, waiting for her to call. Four times, I had to check to make sure the phone was working. Twice I had the Operator call me to be sure the bell was fine (that's the one trick I learned from "The Brady Bunch"). -Chris Benoit comes out. Now this is a PERFECT example of colliding Eras. Will the winner be the Cartoonish Monster from the McMahon 80's Supermen mentality? Or the scrappy, talented "Normal" man from the new "realistic" 90's? NOW WE'LL SEE JUST HOW FAR THE WWF HAS MATURED!!!! -Benoit enters the ring and starts swinging. Rikishi answers every shot with one of his own. -Rikishi gets the better of Benoit. VINCE HASN'T LEARNED A DAMN THING!!! -Benoit bounces back and dropkicks ‘kishi while he's on his hands and knees. VINCE IS ADAPTING TO THE NEW ERA!!!!!!!! -It's all Benoit F-HULK HOGAN!!!!! -Rikishi uses his bulk and sits down on Benoit HULK-A-MANIA RULES!!! -Rikishi tries to drag Benoit over to the corner, but his arm is hurting him! -Front row sign reads "STOP FLIPPING CHANNELS" Has that really been a problem for the last two years? -Rikishi gets Benoit over to the corner. It's all the same crap... he hasn't changed. -Taz runs out, complete with his theme. He chairs Rikishi, then scoots out. The Ref DQ's Benoit. Benoit ignores at as he gives Rikishi a Flying Headbutt, then walks away. -Final Analysis: Russo is a homo... that's all I've figured out, so far. -Backstage, a Limo pulls up. (someone put in the wrong tape?) -Oh, no... it's HH & that H with the big nose. He is met by his Wife, and the rest of DX. Stephanie relays Vince's message of apology. Hunter's nostrils flare. He walks away silently. Road Dogg chases after him to tell him about HBK's arrival. Stephanie and X-Pac decide that it's up to THEM to deal with Jericho. Ross screams, "X-PAC, JERICHO... NEXT!!!" Fade to black. -commercials -Moments ago... Hunter arrived. Not exactly the second coming of Christ... but enough to warrant a replay. -Jericho came out. As per usual, his intro took long enough for... -Us to see the KOTR moment where he gave Stephanie a big smooch on the lips. Naturally, both their lips were pinched so tight they were drained of all color. -Back in the ring, we were welcomes to "Raw is Jericho". -He said that all day and all night, he's been barraged by questions as to why he would kiss Stephanie. He said that it was very much like driving down the road, and coming across a dead animal on the highway... sometimes, you pull over... sometimes, you push it with a stick... SOMETIMES, you nudge it with your toe. (and sometimes, you pick it up, throw it in your trunk. Drive over to your Ex's place. Put it on her porch. Ring the doorbell.... hide behind something... and start giggling like a Lunatic when she opens the door. Then you splash gasoline all over her place and torch the bitch RIGHT INTO THE STREET YOU FILTHY LITTLE TEASE HOW DARE YOU BREAK MY HEART INTO A JILLION GODDAM PIECES I'LL MAKE YOU PAY BY GOD I'LL SEE YOU BURNED AT THE GODDAM STAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!) -sometimes...of course, then you get a NEW Girl... and all bad feeling towards the old ones vanish... -f-ingbitchbettercallorelse -Either way, Jericho promised that he would never (e-e-ever) do it agaEEn... but mused that it was "apropos" that Kirk Angel won the KOTR with the help of the Queen of the... etc... etc... etc... (couldn't quite figure out the correlation) -X-Pac comes out. Stephanie is with him. Guess it's time to kick the Jericho/Stephanie angle in high gear. -They lock up. No titles on the line. This is for the HONOR OF A MAIDEN TRUE!!!! -Feel free to shoot me the next time I speak like the fat comic book fanboy from the "Simpsons" -WORST MOP-UP EVER!! -X-Pac gets control. Jericho fights back. X-Pac fights to retain control. -X-Pac dances around the ring, preparing for the Bronco Buster. -Jericho gets out of the way. -Flying forearm by the one who doesn't look like a ferret -Stephanie gets involved. Jericho scoots out and makes to kiss her agaEEn... -Road Dogg runs out and stops this. He ends up eating a misplaced X-Pac dropkick -Jericho is back in the ring. He hits X-Pac with the Flying Hotdog Bounce Springboard Ozzyguri Gut F**ker (don't even think about it, Markboy) -Jericho has this thing sewn up... except that Stephanie is on the apron showing the Ref her Ladies belt. -Road Dogg is in. Jericho ends up on his back. X-Pac ends up on top of him. X-Pac wins. X-Pac has the best won/loss record this side of Goldberg. -After yonder match. DX hold ups Jericho for a good slap and a good crotch shot. -Backstage, Kurt Angle remarks that he is so happy to be the newest "King of the Ring" (mutter... mutter... lucky guess... grumble) that he realizes that he is "literally talking to himself". -Backstage, elsewhere... Trish Stratus and Val Venis are on the move. Val is the embodiment of grim determination. -Backstage for a third time, Eddie Guerrero and Chyna are on the move. Eddie is the embodiment of joviality. Probably because if he stayed in WCW, he'd be a friggin' Misfit. -commercials -We are taken to an EXCLUSIVE remote to the WWF's restaurant where the Godfather arrives with some girls. I heard it's a decent enough place, so long as you don't eat the Owen "Hart Dog" (don't ask). -Eddie comes out with Chyna. Nope, Chyna isn't looking hot this week. -Lawler announces that "Fully Loaded" is coming (oye... it never f-ing ENDS) in a few weeks. It's at the Reunion Arena in Dallas, Texas. Produce proof that you are one of Fritz Von Erich's illegitimate kids, and they'll give you a free foam Rock glove. -Val Venis comes out with Trish Stratus. They even changed his theme music. What a sad end to one of the best gimmicks anywhere. -They lock up. Lawler explains why he's wrestling tonight... (WHO THE HELL CARES!!!! THE KING DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE!!!) -You don't understand... Lawler has done it ALL. -Things go outside. Eddie is dropped against the guardrail. Trish gets a shot in. Chyna stomps after her. Are we SURE that Trish is a fitness instructor? That ain't the ass of a fitness instructor. -Back in the ring, Val gets off a powerbomb. Eddie fights back with speed, agility, stealth, natural greasiness... -Trish is in. Chyna is in. Trish is down. Hyatte is UP!!! -Val tries to finagle a pin. Chyna cuts that short. The Ref's had enough of these chicks and has the bell rung. -Val hits Chyna. Eddie hits Val. Eddie holds Val. Chyna slaps him. (THE PORN STAR IS DEAD!!!! DAMN YOU VINCE!!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!) -Chyna and Eddie give Val a Double DDT. Then Chyna grabs Trish. She bends Trish over and puts her head between her legs. -Chyna starts to laugh. NOW she looks hot. -Trish is up. Chyna's face is in Trish's lap. Now she looks REALLY hot. -Down goes Trish. Speaking of Porn Stars... Chyna now bears a STRIKING resemblance to Asia Carrera -I'll say this... neither Chyna nor Eddie look like they really like each other, but they sure are having fun. -Backstage, Kurt Angle is running down a possible list of Titles to a local rube. Just necessary time filler to keep us tuned through some more... -commercials -Shawn Michaels comes out. He knocks down the Throne that has been sitting there all night. (Man hasn't worked a WWF match in YEARS and he STILL pees on other people's glory... Jesus) -I BET HE CAN GO!!!! I BET HE COULD WORK A MATCH RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THEN!!! -of course... he sure doesn't HAVE to... they obviously don't NEED him anymore... and if he.. he.. oh why am I even ON this rant? -HBK hits the ring and says that tonight's "coronation" must be pre-empted for this major announcement! -HBK said that he ran into Bret Hart in line at a Bank. He said he tapped Bret's left shoulder, and as Bret turned to his left, HBK snuck by on his right and gracefully cut ahead of him in line. As soon as HBK made his deposit, the Teller slammed her shutter down and Bret was left with his mortgage payment in hand, staring at a CLOSED sign. HBK danced away. Bret started to fumed, "YOU SCREWED ME AGAIN!!!" Friggin' HBK. -Then he went on to his REAL announcement. As soon as he stated that it involved the "number one contender for the WWF championship"... -HHH came out. The Wife was with him. He was in no mood for any nonsense (heh... he picked the wrong night to show up then) -Hunter had a mic, and reminded HBK that they've always been tight... so he can imagine that HBK was as bummed as HHH was about the screwing that occurred on his personage last night. (say, where IS Patterson anyway?) -HHH pointed out that he may not be champ.. but he never lost the belt TECHNICALLY either. -HHH continued and said that even though he was NEVER pinned, that didn't stop every person he met that day from sticking their grubby little finger in his chest and saying "LOSER" (sounds like me at my High School Reunion) -HHH compares this feeling with a "cancer inside his stomach" (Funny thing... that was almost going to be my Birthname... if my Mother had her way) -HHH counted on HBK to make him the number 1 contender (err... what was the point of Angle's victory then?), and upon said announcement, HHH will announce that the Rock stays WWF champ, but his can count those days because they are officially numbered. -HBK got back on the mic and agreed with EVERYTHING. (NO!! ANOTHER HEEL TURN???) -HBK had an addendum (Isn't that a writer at my old place?), a small problem. He isn't Commissioner anymore. He WOULD cede with HHH's wishes, but he doesn't have the Power to do so. -The only think HBK CAN do is introduce the man who CAN make such decisions... which he did... -Out came Mick Foley. Cleanly shorn on the head. Nice Pop. God Bless Foley. Really... nobody deserves this more. -Foley enters the ring and takes the mic. HBK quietly exits. The Torch is officially passed. I suppose there's a chance we may never see Shawn Michaels on WWF TV again. -Mick thanks the crowd, and HBK... and all that. -He gets to business. Saying he knows HHH is admiring Mick's new haircut. (The dude always looked kind of ugly with the shag). -He announces that Linda McMahon gave him certain powers... such as booking title matches. (Lawler moaned that Vince should "put the Jackhammer on the backburner and put a stop to this.") -Mick said that despite HHH's "bitching, whining, and kvetching"... he's not quite sure if HHH is deserving of number 1 contendership. He also pointed out that "kvetching" was a reference to someone he knew... no clue as to who... why don't you "ask the Rick"? -Whoa... check out HHH's runaway nostrils! -Foley poked fun at Vince's "Genetic Jackhammer" line... (and can't you see the signs appearing everywhere now?) -Foley said that now HE has the power. HE gets to make the decisions.. and HE's gonna make sure that "NOBODY EVER... HAS TO LISSSSTEN... TO A BORING-AA... TWENTY MINUT-AA... TRIPLE AICH-AA... PROMO-AA... AGAIN-AA!!!" (*whew*... I feel... VINDICATED!!) -3H fumed. He produced a mic... and waited out a "FOLEY" chant.. -He said that he would make this "very simple". Because he knew that Foley was an idiot (HAW). Either make him the #1 guy right now. Or he's going to beat the living hell out of him right here, "as you like to say to get a cheap pop all the time" in Wooster, Massachusetts. (there is nothing like VAULTING from third person to second person prose mid sentence... yet DAMN... I MAKE THIS SHEEIT WORK!!) -Mick responded heartily by saying that he's sick and tired of getting his ass beaten by HHH, and it's a safe bet that the crowd feels the same. -He announced that while HHH is deserving SOME consideration... the man who becomes the #1 contender will NOT get there by hurtful language and intimidation (well, I guess HHH better start teaching Mick's son Karate then). No, the #1guy will get the title through hard work and determination (let's skip the obvious "10 minutes alone with Patterson" line, shall we?) -At this point, Kurt Angle comes out. With his royal gown draped over his shoulder and his crown perched on his head. -We officially enter the second hour. For those keeping score, he have had three matches total. No, you may NOT get the times. Am I an F-ing clock? Just be lucky if I get a move right. -Angle exchanged the briefest of looks with Stephanie. The has a mic of his own and asks just what the Heck is going on here? He should be coronated! -He ALSO should be the #1 contender. He beat three guys last night... he's an Olympic Gold medalist, He's a former Euro-Continental Champion, and now he's Royalty... "it's true, it's true" (should I be even HALF as entertained as I am right now?) -So, Kurt deserves a title shot!! (WASN'T THAT THE DEAL ALL ALONG??????) HHH knows it, Foley knows it, and all these "colonists from Warchester know it" (HAW!!!) -Mick's back on el miq. He applauds Angle on the job he did last night... then broke out in a fit of laughter over Angle's outfit. "A Grown Man with a Crown!! BWAHAHAHAHA" (Hey... HEY!!! Don't be dissing Lawler!!!) -Mick admitted that both guys were great, so he decided that tonight, in Worcester Massachusetts (Big Thumbs up to HHH)... the two of them will be part of a "Number 1 contender Triple Threat Match" with the winner getting a shot at the Rock on Smackdown. -Foley then said that the third guy will be... err... umm... the ROCK!! Another reference to Worcester... followed by another Thumbs up. -Finally, Foley said that if the Rock wins, then he doesn't have to give either guy a title shot... because "that is my wish, because I am the Commish!" (eh... the all can't be winners) -Mick wished them all a nice day, and departed. Hunter sucker punched Angle and threw him out of the ring. And so it goes... -Backstage, Dean Malenko was coolly shooting a little 9 ball much to the delight of some girls... a few of them looked well aquainted with Pool Cues on a more intimate level. Terri Runnels explained to Dean that they somehow were involved in a match with Lawler and the Cat where every time one of the menfolk was tossed over the top rope, their respective girl had to take off an article of clothing. Terri didn't much care for the concept (WHAA? SINCE WHEN??). So, she promised Dean a "private viewing" if he won. This caused Malenko to foul up his shot. He grabbed her and took off. -Lawler and Ross looked at each other. Lawler said he's got to get going... and took off himself. Ross wished him luck. Lawler works a match. Coolness. -commercials -Moments ago, well, lots of stuff went down. All of it verbal. -Lawler finds the Cat. The Cat reminds him that this won't be the first time the crowd sees her naked, and asks Lawler if he realizes just how humiliating that was? -Jerry puts his hand to his heart and says, "Cat... believe me when I say... from the bottom of my heart... the last thing I want to see tonight... is you naked." Funny stuff. Madden will NEVER be the King. -If Lawler wins, the Cat will give him a "very special" Bronco Buster... LAWLER FOR PRESIDENT, DAMMIT!!!!! -Dean Malenko comes out with Terri Runnels. Terri assumes a position on a elevated circle on the entranceway. -Jerry Lawler comes out with the Cat, same thing. Lawler's pop is exactly what a Lawler pop should be. Not deafening, but respectable. -The bell rings. Ross can't remember the last time Lawler worked a RAW. -Within a few seconds, Malenko goes over the top rope. Terri takes off her blouse. Lawler's eyes pop out of his skull. -Malenko dropkicks Lawler from behind. Lawler goes up and over. The Cat takes off her top. -They tussle some more. Dean goes out. Terri tries to get away with just her belt coming off. The Ref would have none of that. The pants come off. -Ross muses that if Lawler was by his side, he's be shrieking, "Bra and panties, bra and panties"... weak imitation of Lawler, by the way. -More fighting. FISTDROP FISTDROP FISTDROP!!!! -Lawler is dumped. The Cat gets her pants off. -A minute or so of fighting... then Dean is tossed over. The match ends officially. -Terri feigns chagrin (ahh... she loves it... they all do... tramps) -She turns her back and begins to remove her top. -Suddenly, Stevie Richards runs out with a huge "CENSORED" sign. He is in a shirt, tie, and his hair is apparently cut short. (actually, he looks like Vince Russo!) -He covers Terri as she gets her bra off... and drags her away. The Cat just stood there with a "What can ya' do" smirk on her face. I'm going to give you a name... call me crazy... but I look at the Cat and see Reese Witherspoon. -Backstage, Edge and Christian wonder why the Rock gets his own dressing room while they... for lack of a funnier word... don't. -Foley comes out of NOWHERE and gets an earful of whine. -Christian, "The Facsheen gets THEIR own Locker room!" -Foley, "Who?" -Mick reminds them that HE is a three time champ... as well as a Hardcore legend... and HE never got his own dressing room. To which edge pointed out that Foley never changed his clothes. Good point. -Mick walked off referencing the "Wizard of Oz"... since when does the WWF cater to the gay audience anyway? -commercials -Lawler is back at the Announce table and blames Jimbo for Stevie Richards showing up and ruining all the fun. -Backstage, Edge and Christian have gotten a nice dressing room, complete with leather recliners. They decide to have Foley fetch them some sodas. They both agree that sodas "rule" (with the exception of that carbonated pisswater named Coca-Cola, which would rather hitch it's wagon to the current ((and possibly forever)) also ran known as WCW, simply because Coke is based in ATLANTA and is run by the "Good Ol' Boys". I happen to know that Coca-Cola causes Leukemia as well as Impotence) -Of course, Pepsi isn't much better either. In fact, Pepsi is just Coke with an extra helping of sugar to make sure your teeth rot out that much quicker! -Why don't you just use your head and drink water... it's why God put it on the Planet? -Too Cool came out. This is going to be a Battle Royal that will determine the Number 1 contender for the Tag team championship. -The Hardy Boyz came out. -T & A came out. Someone thought to conserve believability by keeping Trish Stratus backstage -The Acolytes comes out. Everyone starts fighting before the other teams can even come out. -Meanwhile, Mick comes to check up in E & C. He's more than happy to get them a couple of sodas. -Oh yes, he's also happy to tell them that they will fight Kane and ther Undertaker tonight... non title. E & C do what ALL Canadians do when faced with the superior American Power... the dump a load of Hershey's in their knickers. -commercials -The rest of the tag teams came out during these spots. Including the Dudleys, Saturn and somebody, Kaientia (?), and someone else... possibly just yanked from the front row... the tag team division isn't THAT healthy. -Kaien... KaiandTie... those Japanese kids got dumped. -The Dudleys are out. -The Hardyz and Too Cool were dumped. -T & A were gonski -Then Farooq clotheslined D-Lo Brown out of his shoes and the Acolytes got the title shot on Thursday. -commercials -We see that the Rock and Mike Piazza were together for a photo shoot that went along with an article questioning which was REALLY America's Favorite Past Time? (Oh, wait until Sports Writers all over the country get a load out of THIS!!! I can hear them burning up their bylines NOW!!!!! -RAW is War is brought to us by "The Lorillard Tobacco Company's Youth Smoking Prevention Program" (Which is just as ridiculous as OJ's search for the real killers) -Footage of a recent Madison Square Garden House show. With Donald Trump in attendance. You just NOW that WCW would've had him chair someone right on the head. -The Godfather puts on a show at the WWF Restaurant. I have to wonder if they sell "Steveweisers" -E & C tell Mick that they ain't fighting no dead men. Mick begs to differ. -Kane and UT are walking side by side. UT plugs in a huge wad of chaw. It's official... I'd give him head. -commercials -Edge and Christian comes out. They repeat numerous times just how unfair this is. Then they tell the crowd to take their flash photography and cram it. -Kane comes out. -UT rides out. HE STILL HAS A WAD OF CHAW IN HIS MOUTH!!!! -It doesn't last. The match, that is. The chaw stays in the whole time. God Bless America. -Total Jobbage -All three people involved in the main event appear to be just one set of... -... commercials... -... away from being all set to go. -commercials -The WWF is sponsoring a racecar. A Special Olympian asked me if I would sponsor HIM in his track meet. I said I would if he washed and polished my car. He did. When he came back for my signature, I threatened to call the cops on him for trespassing. He ran like Hell. Hyatte: 1... Special Olympics: 0 -King Kurt came out with added fireworks. He joined the Announcers for a bit of bragging while HHH and Rocky went through their intros. -HHH came out with the Wife. -The Rock came out. It's Rocky vs HHH (vsangle)... THIS IS A NEW BEGINNING?? -Rocky and 3H go at it. Angle decides to get involved and clotheslines Rocky. -He punched Rocky in the corner. 3H helps. -Rocky fights back and double clotheslines them. -Rocky gives Angle a "Tilt-A-Whirl" slam -Things go outside. Angle's face meets the Announce table a few times. -Stephanie threatens to hit Rocky with his own belt. Rocky catches her before she can. -Back in the ring, Rocky dominates. -Angle goes on the offensive. -HHH lends a hand -Big Sign that reads, "AMY AND" someone... filthy, fetorous, tunaboat. -Rocky takes a beating. Angle tries to cover him, HHH yanks him off. -HHH goes out of the ring. Angle takes a Sumo drop. HHH is back in and takes a Belly to Belly. HHH kicks out of the pin. -Off the ropes, Rocky sells a Face Drop into the Knee (an "Enzegirknee"!!!), which Angle fluidly follows up with a Back Suplex (an "Enziguplex"!!!) -Angle and HHH look at each other. Kurt lies on top of Rocky for the pin. Hunter pops in right in the nads. -Angle is tossed out of the ring. Rocky is up. He tries for the Rock Bottom. HHH elbows out. Rocky DDT's him. -Angle gets Rocky outside and bangs him around a little. He gets back in the ring and attacks HHH. -HHH gets in a neckbreaker. Rocky drags him outside during the pin attempt. -Spine Buster on Angle. HHH breaks up a People's Elbow. -Angle breaks up a Pedigree -Angle takes a Pedigree. HHH pins him. -Chris Jericho is out. H pulls HHH's foot. Then drops HHH's neck across the top rope -Which leads into a Rock Bottom. -From there... Rocky took it home. -Jericho walked away. Stephanie is in tears. Rocky gets a day off Thursday, right? -The show ends like the show usually ends. With Rocky on the second ropes. Well, there was a certain "freshness" to it... and not one single tee shirt announcing that this was the day "The World Changed". I did the Nitro recap first, which might explain why there is more (whatpassesfor) humor in that one. So, as I type this, it is 6:30 am on Wednesday. I shall run this through spell check (no snotty remarks.. PU-LEAZE)... zip through it to see if there are any exceptionally bad stuff that Trey would rather not post... then shoot it off to him. Outlook is iffy in the speed department. So he could get it anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours. Maybe it'll get posted this morning... maybe this evening. Either way, it's good for you to know how it works. Peace out.