Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I hope you ain't reading this first. 6/29/98 Ratings slump? RATINGS SLUMP??? I'll have you good people know that Eric Bischoff has Karl Malone all locked up. He has Dennis Rodman all locked up!!!!! Is there a SHRED of doubt that Vince's piddling ratings edge are about to vanish quicker than Ric Flair's name on the WCW Website?? WCW has the BIGGEST STARS OF BASKETBALL!!!! WCW is where the REAL WRESTLERS ARE!!! WCW is where the BIGGEST NAMES IN THIS SPORT ARE!!!!! WCW is where ERIC BISCHOFF'S UNCANNY GENIUS IS!!!!!! And, of course, WCW is where BEEFCAKE HANGS HIS HAT...(along with the rest of his face).... NITRO (or I think Bischoff has finally cracked) -opens with a helicopter shot of a big rig pounding down a freeway with a police escort. Tony barks out the story that Page and malone are in there....(either that or OJ upgraded to semis). -Those Nitro Girls do their thing. The fun here is trying to figure out which one slept with Bischoff...and which one had to sleep with Lee Marshall (Show business is a cold, cold bitch). -Right off the bat, Mene Gene brings out Kevin Greene. Oblivious to the fact that nobody gives a fu*& about him, Greene insults just about EVERY WRESTLER SINCE 1970 by saying that Goldberg is the best thing to come out of this lamo sport in 30 years. Then he calls Hennig an idiot. -Somebody in WCW must read the Internet sheets because Greene had to spell it out for us morons that he and Goldberg will be fighting Hennig and the Giant at the Bash (As far as I could tell...no web guy mentioned it this past week...thus, a bit more sellin' had to be done.) And yes..that insulting "GOLDBERG" chant was piped in...because we are too STUPID to think of it ourselves. -Horace comes out with a STOP sign (how ironic..since his family's hairline came to a complete STOP). Lodi was with him. He was taking on Kanyon.... -...who came out with his Mortis mask with him...(CHEER FOR ME DAMMIT..I USED TO BE MORTIS!!!!!!!!). Tenay waited a solid 6 seconds before calling Kanyon the "Innovator"...I admire his restraint. -Kanyon won..the crowd yawned. The Flock attacked...except for Horace, who was busy screaming "I'M HOGAN'S NEPHEW...WHERE IS MY PUSH??????" -After the Flock handled Kanyon, Raven picked up the mic and said that Kanyon was all alone...and damned ugly t'boot. He DDT'ed him.....I actually cheered (I just don't like the guy...for no plausable reason other than it amuses me not to like him). -Another shot of the rig....I just had a scary premonition...but I'll save it for later. -commercials -opening theme...still the same old thing...I guess Bischoff's mentality is "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" Guess what Unc....it's brooooooooooookeeeeeeeen. -More footage from past shows that nobody really deserves to see. It's funny, after the WWF pay per view last night, Tony STILL can summon the bravado to claim that THE WORLD IS SWEATING BUCKETS IN ANTICIPATION OF THE PAY PER VIEW THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR RELIGION IN JUST TWO SHORT WEEKS!!!!!! -That truck is coming...oh yes..it's coming -Backstage with Hogan and the rest of the NWO. They are brandishing tire irons and chains in anticipation for their arrival (excuse me..two grown men driving cross country to get to Nitro in Florida? IS THIS THE GAY "THELMA AND LOUISE" OR WHAT???) -I mean..there is only one mini-bed in the truck you know. -By the way...Beefcake is smoking a big cigar...insert phallic symbol comment here. -by the way...notice how depressed Bischoff looked? It was because he couldn't stand next to Hogan during this segment. Notice how he had to strain a bit to lift his crowbar too. -Mean Gene brought out Stevie Ray. Stevie said that he could pimpslap that little pimpsqueak (I SWEAR he said that) called Benoit and wouldn't have any problems with the Mensa Member known as Mongo either. Just for the Hell of it, he challenged them to a tag match against Harlem Heat too..just for the Hell of it. He insisted that Booker T was still his ho, and would do anything he tells him to do. -Eddie Guerrero comes out to take on some pimpsqueak named "Young Dragon". It didn't take long until... -Chavo Guerrero comes out...with a shaft stuck between his legs and a horse head stuck to the end of it. He called it a "hobby horse" and "rode" it to ringside. -Let me re-iterate...Chavo came in with a big STICK jammed BETWEEN HIS LEGS and started to FONDLE it. The SECOND he asked Eddie if he wanted to "pet his horse"...in fact, Chavo named the horse..and actually asked Eddie if he wanted to "pet pepe?" I had no choice but to turn it off.....I will NOT be a party to this. -Then I turned it back on....because you demanded it...I DO IT ALL FOR YOU...PEOPLE!!!!!!!! -Eddie lost, Eddie snapped, Eddie went for Chavo's shaft and yanked, Chavo screamed, Eddie got the stick and whacked Young Dragon off with it. Chavo screamed for his head (you heard me right....Al Snow must be PISSED) a WCW Fascist Security guard grabbed the head from a young fan's hand and gave it back to Chavo. Eddie snapped and chased Chavo away. Zbyszko said that Eddie pulling at Chavo's shaft was "symbolic" of him "snapping". -The payoff here is that Eddie DAMN WELL BETTER PUNK SLAP CHAVO FROM ONE END OF THE FU&^%^$ RING TO THE OTHER!!!!!!!!! -Uh oh..there is some backdoor politics a'brewin'..we see Chris Jericho in the locker room telling the Ultimo Dragon that he'll get a Cruiserweight title shot (Isn't Jericho running about 240?) if he can do some real damage to Malenko later that night....All Dragon could say was, "Who is Madonna again?" -commercials -The Nitro Girls make their way through the thousands of horny hands that are groping them. Zbyszko called one of them a "Blue eyed goddess!" (Dear God..Zbyszko is horny...and you should have heard the spitefullness of his words). -The Giant came out with Hennig and Rude. He gestured that he was missing his smokes..or something. He took on two Japanese guys...one of them was called "Sumo Fuji" (Geeze..why didn't they just call him "Big Jap"....it would have been less generic). The Giant won it in about 3 seconds. Then Hennig called out that big, dumb, heatless moron. -half the locker room came out...Bischoff had to physically point out the big, dumb, heatless moron who was supposed to come out. -It was Greene of course. He just stared at them..Hennig goaded him on. Greene turned around, saw Goldberg come out, grew some nuts, and charged. -Goldberg ran towards the ring, stopping very briefly to lay a quick finger over a woman's foot.....her ingrown toenail quickly grew out. -The NWO cleared out and the two big, dumb, heatless morons stood in the ring, ready to rock. -Tony completely BLOWS THE ENDING OF THE PPV MATCH by speculating on how incredible it would be if Goldberg jackhammered the Giant. -commercials -The announcers commented on just how wonderful the world as we know it will be once Page and Malone pull in. Our food will taste better, our flowers will smell better, our sex will be better. -Out comes Hulk Hogan (Call him Hollywood and you are a total doofus...and a cherry to boot) along with Eric Bischoff...(What is with that airplane spin he does anyway? What's THAT supposed to prove? Or is it simply his ring entrance...after all, ALL the top stars have one). -So, Hendrix's "Voodoo Chile" is playing...Hogan gets next to Bischoff and puts his arm around his shoulder. We see Hogan BRIEFLY glimpse at Bischoff's fly, look at the camera and sing, "Well I'm standing next to mountain, chop it down with the edge of my hand"....then he proceeded to MOLEST BISCHOFF ON CAMERA!!!!!! -WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!! -He also kissed Bischoff on the cheek...Bischoff's pants get ever so slightly darker around the nether regions...darker and spreading. -as they made their way to the ring, you could just TELL that Eric was looking for some anti-Vince sign to hold up. -The interview is what you would expect...nonsense...then Hogan opened his mouth and say something that damn near made me GET MY GUN AND SHOOT MYSELF SQUARE IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!! -He called Dennis Rodman, "The God of Basketball, the BLACK JESUS, Dennis Rodman" -Black Jesus -BLACK JESUS!!!! -BLACK JESUS FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -That may very well be the most blasphemous thing Hoagn has ever said...and it may very well be the most blasphemous thing ever said....EVER. -First of all, Black Jesus is contradictory...Jesus is every color, creed, and race...(except for that Allah moron) -second of all....Rodman couldn't hit a basket if his life depended on it...one would think that Jesus has moves that would make Jordan say, "Damn" -third of all...Rodman is a douchebag...Jesus ain't -and I don't care WHAT Carmen Electra says....RODMAN IS NO BLACK JESUS!!!!!!!! -Good Lord! -more crap with that truck.....it's not really Page and Malone in there..oh no...it's PATRICK SWAYZE!!!!! SWAYZE IS SO PISSED THAT "BLACK DOG" BOMBED THAT HE'S GONNA DRIVE INTO NITRO AND RUN OVER EVERYBODY!!!!! THE DIRTY DANCER IS GONNA SMOOSH SOME HEADS LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Tony had this to say as the second hour fireworks go off... - "What a first hour.....FULL of anticipation......FULL of excitment.....and we STILL have TWO FULL HOURS to go as we await the arrival of Karl Malone and Diamond Dallas Page!!" The he added, "You people are completely INSANE if you are not in COMPLETE agreement when I proudly say that we are in the midst of what could very well possibly be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! -Alas..poor Bulldog...we hardly knew ye. That just about covers the match pitting the Bulldog and Neidhart vs Sting and Luger doesn't it? Other than the fact that the former WWFers ring entrance was interrupted by some... -commercials -Why was Luger wearing jeans to work tonight? Oh yeah, that's right...he fighting the Bulldog and Neidhart....no bother suiting up. -We don't even know if Bulldog's a heel or if he's a face? The only thing we know now is that he is a full JOBBER!!!! -we hear from some fans outside...acting excited about the tag match. -commercials -Saturn hits the ring to take on Reese...should be interesting... -Nice gorilla slam by Reese..while still on one knee. -Saturn won by giving Reese the Death Valley Driver..which was VERY COOL to see. -Here comes the Flock...here comes Raven...here comes the mic.....here comes the lecture....here comes the DDT....here comes the... -announcers to hype, hype, and hype some more -Nitro footage dealing with Greene and his desperate attempt to get over by aligning himself with Goldberg. -Swayze's getting closer kids.....I heard he was all coked up and ready to squish EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T SEE BLACK DOG!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -Nitro Girls and all the miscues within. Bobby Heenan joined the fun. -A VERY white, VERY tatooed individual by the name El Vampiro came to the ring to take on Brad Armstrong. No more "Armstrong curse" gimmick running for Bradley....obviously, it doesn't work when your brother is currently red hot. -Aw Crap...wrong again...Tenay remarked about the all consuming "Armstrong Curse".....wrong again Hyatte. -Heenan said, and I quote, "Well, Vampy better get home before the sunup"..........sigh -Armstrong took a hard bump and was spitting blood...the camera pulled back all the way to Miami. -Vampiro won with a Driver move called the "Nail in the Coffin" (Seems that we are running fresh out of colorful names for new moves doesn't it? I think the DDT was the last, great name)...and looked pretty good too. -Video production dealing with the main event for the PPV...it's as boring as the match itself promised to be. Although I'm surprised Bischoff didn't try to get his name mentioned more for it. -What is this? -"NWO Late Hour...still to come" ? -commercials -ohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohno -don't tell me! Oh please Eric.....no -Tokyo Magnum and Shiima Nabunga came out (gee..awfully lot of Japanese guys have been coming out as of late) took on Disco Inferno and Alex Wright. The big gimmick here is that they alternate the theme music of both men, so they can BOTH dance, dance, dance. -Then Tokyo Magnum tried to dance with them.....uncool. -After Heenan commented that DINF had some fans with signs Tony had the unmitigated GALL to remark sarcastically that it was probably PLANTED!!! -Magnum went for the top rope Hurricarana...and totally slipped off to the mat...funny to see. -Wright won the match, then they had a dance off. The sound man worked overtime to alternate between songs....all I can say is...if this is part of THE MIGHTY DINF PUSH: PHASE IV....then this kid is in for a loooooooooong summer. -commercials -Tenay was slurring words as he talked to some fans outside....I think I saw one young lady pass out from his fumes. -Y'know..Tenay has the FAKEST smiles in the bizness. -Ultimo Dragon took on Dean Malenko....remember, if Ultimo can really lay out Malenko, he'll get a title shot. -Why did I remind you of this? Because I wanted to join the fun and pull a SWERVE of my own! Malenko was about to win, but Jericho showed up and berated his dead daddy...Malenko chased after Jericho and was counted out....meanwhile, Ultimo Dragon still has no clue as to who Madonna is, or why he had to go out in the rain and represent her video. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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