Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Rounding third and heading home. 6/29/98
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-Third hour erupts....I feel like Mick Foley after the second huge bump...but I still have to roll around in thumbtacks.
-Something from Thunder dealing with Benoit and Arn Anderson...how AA can participate in the Horsemen charade without Flair is beyond me.
-Harlem Heat hit the ring as the announcers try to talk about the Horsemen without mentioning that traitor Flair.
-commercials
-Am I crazy or did I see Joey Buttafuco in the seats giving the sign of the Horsemen?
-Benoit and Mongo hit the ring to fight that Harlem Heaters.
-as with ALL returning wrestlers who put on a few pounds during their time off...the announcers had to comment on how both Stevie Ray and Mongo were in the "best shape of their lives".
-Bret Hart came out and hit Booker T with a chair to give Mongo the pin and the match....I don't know and I don't care.
-backstage with Jericho and Ultimo...."You promise to tell me who this Madonna is, Gaijin I beat up Malenko San and you still no tell me!"
-Jericho, "Aw go crawl out of my ass Hong Kong Fooey!"
-Ultimo, "Hong Kong in China! Ultimo in Japan! You look like girl!"
-The Malenko came out and ended this nonsense by womanizing Jericho....and not a moment too soon.
-Malenko then tuned on the Dragon some...obviously still steamed about that Pearl Harbor thing (WELCOME TO THE MOP-UP MY GERMAN FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!)
-here come Swayze...here comes the massacre.
-commercials..(how much time is left in this friggin' show? I've never been so bored in my LIFE)
-I'm sure you know about this by now....but just in case...
-Eric Bischoff has constructed himself his very own talk show set (rumored cost: $7 large...at least that's what the Lariat guy said...I have no reason NOT to believe him) complete with chairs, a backdrop, a desk (which comes up to his chest...someone get him a highchair) and his very own houseband, led by the "Reverend" Billy Worth. Worth does some sort of DJ speed rap. The UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ does a better one in my oh so mo fo humble opinion.
-The boos you hear are NOT fans booing the "heel"...those boos you hear are fans saying, "WHAT IS THIS SHIT!!!!!"
-I know I usually don't outright curse in this column....but I can't think of a better moment to do it. I hope the good people at SCOOPS let me get away with it this one time.
-Bischoff brought out Scott Steiner....who marveled at his arms, then promised to bring out another HUGE superstar from his movie next week....now let me explain the ramifications here.
-Carl Weathers must be DESPERATE for work.
-Carl Weathers' agent must have pictures of Carl with Boy Scouts if he still has a job after booking him on this thing.
-Bischoff has finally lost it.
-There will be a show next week.
-Ted Turner has no clue what's going on with his own company.
-Vince McMahon is the HAPPIEST SUMBITCH on the planet right now.
-I WILL say this...Bischoff's show was WAY better than the "Magic Hour"
-The damn thing went on for a good ten minutes.
-What we could have really used was DIRTY DUTCH MANTEL to come out and trash the set.....Stick a guiter up Bischoff's ass...and make a real woman out of Elizabeth...Dutch could do it y'know...he's been...around.
-Mean Gene brings out Booker T. Booker was plenty steamed at Bret Hart..and even went do far as to call him a "sucka" and a "sissified punk". (uh oh...thems fightin' word)
-Stevie Ray came out to try to talk some sense into him...but Booker was too busy thinking up names to call him that were clean enough for TV, but ethnic enough to keep his rep in da hood ("sissified punk" would have gotten his ass all sorts of 187ed in Compton).
-Stevie Ray argued with Booker...eventually...I had to use my Webster's HomeBoy Dictionary to sort it all out...
-Then Bret Hart came out.....looking as white as....well...as a Canadian. He said, "Hey, you want to ask me a question? Go ahead and AX me!" (That may very well be the most RASCIST thing anyone had EVER said on a wrestling show...I SWEAR TO YOU..I am NOT making this up)
-Hart was happy to give him a match...and was happy to brag about his skills..and was also happy to remind everyone that he was once screwed over by Vince McMahon.
-Backstage with Bischoff and Hogan....in what could be the most HONEST EXCHANGE THESE TWO MEN EVER HAD IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS.....
-Bischoff, "You saw it right? Was I good? Was I good?"
-Hogan (blowing him off) "Yeahyeahyouwererealgood. You know Malone and Page isn't gonna show, brother"
-The rest was Bischoff stroking Hogan and telling him how awesome he was. I really don't have to say any more do I?
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls make room for a solo by....WHISPER!!!!! ($20 bucks says that she has to do it with Madden)
-Michael Buffer introduced tonight's main event.....
-out comes Glacier....GLACIER??????????
-STONE COLD IS FIGHTING KANE AND GLACIER IS SUPPOSED TO OFFER A RATINGS ALTERNATIVE?????
-As God As My Witness....I think they don't CARE anymore...they JUST DON'T CARE!!!!
-Here comes those piped in chants.....I'll tell you right now, if I hear the word "Hero"...I am ending this week's column right here and right now....
-That is a KICK ASS smoke and fireworks display tho'
-Tony comes DANGEROUSLY CLOSE when he agrees with Buffer's introduction about Goldberg being the "object of fan worship around the world"...Tony adds to it by saying, "and I would say it's a hundred percent. Everybody loves Goldberg. Everybody respects Goldberg"
-First of all...I REALLY doubt the people of Iran worship Goldberg. Nor do I think the people of Somalia really give a crap. Ethiopea? Doubtful. Turkey? Iraq? India?
-Second of all I do NOT love Goldberg. I do NOT worship Goldberg. Hell, I do NOT even RESPECT Goldberg. For the first time EVER...I am cheering for HULK HOGAN to BEAT GOLDBERG'S ASS NEXT WEEK.
-Third of all this being Wednesday as I wrote this..I had a chance to take a quick peak at the ratings,,,not only did RAW KILL NITRO...BUT RAW WHIPPED GOLDBERG'S TIME ON THE AIR......so I would guess that a great many people do NOT worship GHoldberg. Tony Schiavone is a liar..but more importantly..Tony Schiavone is a douchebag.
-One person who DOES worship Goldberg is the old woman who had a fake hip. Well, the big old Jew laid one meaty palm on her hip and BLAMMO.....the fake hip TURNED INTO BONE AND MARROW!!!! THE WOMAN REGREW A BRAND NEW HIP!!!!
-of course, she wasn't at her proper seat...so Dillenger threw her out of the building. Her other hip shattered on the impact.
-Tony, "Why would anybody go anyplace with Goldberg in the ring?" Easy..because Glacier was there too.
-This being a main event, Goldberg stayed in there WAAAAY LONGER THAN NORMAL!!!! A full MINUTE longer!!!!!!!!!!!!
-commercials (thank God)
-the announcers kill a little time...
-Two Girls holding up a sign with Hogan's face (I think) that read "King of the Ring"...gooood...bring up comparisons to that PPV...go right ahead.
-Hogan and Bischoff storm out to the ring...looking all sorts of steamed....(Hall must have shown up...drunk again).
-Bischoff told Malone to bite him.
-Hogan badmouthed Malone and Page....(Didn't "Godzilla" bomb? Why keep up the comparisons?)
-I'm nutshelling this because A: I am so sick of this and B: You can figure out what happened.
-The truck pulled in and those NWOers with the tire irons scampered like roaches....Hogan remarked that "Stone Cold Cowards make him sick".
-Malone and Page ran in and ran to the ring.
-They snuck up behing Hogan and Bischoff with chairs..but since it's Bischoff and Hogan, the high fived each other with the chairs, Hogan and fagbag turned around
-Bischoff was thrown off.
-Malone bodyslammed Hogan
-Malone clotheslined Hogan..twice
-Hogan ran away.
-Page grabbed a mic and told Hogan that he was just slam dunked.
-I'll say this...Malone looked as happy as Beefcake on dryland
-DDP said that they would be there next week in Atlanta...and if they had any nertz..then the bad guys would be there by tomorrow.
-Malone, "Oh this hurts..yes it do".
-DDP said BANG...Tony said goodbye...I said Thank God.
That may have been the most BORING NITRO I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! I mean it REALLY sucked. RAW wins..but y'know..it's okay..really..it's okay..do you know why?
Because next week, in Atlanta...Nitro is going to pull a show out of it's ass that will promise to ALTER THE COURSE OF HISTORY AND PROPEL US INTO AN ALTERNATE TIME LINE WHERE HOGAN IS ON MOUNT RUSHMORE, VINCE IS NUKED OUT OF HIS TOUPEE, AND BISCHOFF LORDS OVER US HAPLESS MORONS AS THE TYRANNICAL MONARCH THAT HE WAS DESTINED TO BE!!! RIVERS WILL CHANGE DIRECTIONS, FAMINE WILL END, JOHN LENNON WILL BE RESURRECTED BY GOLDBERG AND CHANGE THE LYRICS OF "IMAGINE" TO "Imagine the world without Eric. It's impossible to try".YES FOLKS...NEXT WEEK'S NITRO WILL FOREVER BE HERALDED AS THE TURNING POINT OF THE COSMIC SCHEME AND BRING A NEW UNDERSTANDING OF THE MEANING OF LIFE.
God will be there....and his name will be Hogan. The Black Jesus will be there too. The NWO Late Hour will be there. Both Hitler and Walt Disney left specific instructions to be awakened on July 6th, 1998 just so they could be a part of the Genesis. People will name their children "Nitro" after next week. Bischoffilism will be welcomed as a new religion. Racial predjudice will end (except in Canada...those bastards). And a new day will dawn...be there.
Meanwhile, Raw is running a pre-taped show...the fools..they should bring back the dog show.
Okay, closer time. I am taking the rest of the Summer off with recapping pay per views...and I need someone to replace me. If you only want to do WWF cards...cool..if you only want to do WCW cards...(which would start with the Bash at the Beach) good. I especially want someone to specifically handle ECW PPV's..because they require a more devoted fan to cover them. This is a GREAT opportunity for you to hone your writing skills, especially if you want a career in journalism, and it's for the biggest wrestling web site on the globe..so you'll get plenty of readers. Write to me with questions, and or samples.
Oh, you want another closer? Okay....here's something. I struggled all week to come up with a decent closer..and am drawing total blanks, so I figured, what the hell, why don't I reprint something I wrote up during my third Mop-Up waaay back last July. Since I am a lazy scrub..and dog tired, I will skip any sort of updating, and just present it in it's original form. It isn't exactly genius, but it amused me at the time of writing it, and I got a fairly good response towards it..so here it is again. Remember, it's a full year old....so it's talking about LAST YEAR'S BAB...
The WWF is on USA and used to be on NBC and MTV, but never on ABC, CBS, or TNT, which has WCW, which used to be the NWA which was on TBS, which used to also have the UWF, but not the federation run by Paul E, who used to manage the SST and discovered PE, and who called the federation ECW, which gave us the BWO as well as the FBI, whose members used to be in the USWA, which had MOM and PG13, who were members of the NOD, who never hired JYD, but fired Crush, who formed DOA, who will probably fight LOD, who broke the neck of HOG, and who briefly wrestled along with Koko B., who was once a PYT, for the AWF, AKA: WOW, which was started by Jim Brunzell, who was once a Killer BEE, and wrestled in the AWA, which was on ESPN, which never featured GLOW, which is MIA along with AA, who used the DDT, not to be confused with DDP, who has probably fought VK Wallstreet, who was once IRS, who never teamed with HBK, last seen at the KOTR on PPV, but wanted to be at the GAB and the upcoming BAB, with his friend Nash,who used to be BDC, who didn't join the DOD, but formed the NWO with Syxx, who used to be a Kid called 123, who was part of the KLIQ with HHH, who fought on SSN against the UT, who always gets a big POP, though he has never used the STF, but likes to say RIP, which is something we can soon say about the UFC. You see? Makes sense to me. Try to say it all in one breath.
Ugh..Next week more crap from a guy simply BRIMMING with it..and maybe even the Rat pack line up. Don't get'cha hopes up.
This is Hyatte (Bloody right, Sunshine)
Chris Hyatte
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