Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

We start the dance off right here. 6/29/98 "Hey Hyatte, After one full year, one would think that you would strive to improve yourself. One would think that. One would be wrong. You still suck. Not only do you suck, but you suck royally. But you know what's worse? I can't help but check you out every single week." Bill Latham: Mop-Up reader 4 LIFE. There you go. I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. A little song, a little dance, a little something in my pants (very little...Damn these genetics!). We got us some opening notes, then we get into the crapola.....how easy is that huh? You bloodthirsty kids out there are gonna LOVE this week's opener, 'cause some web guy grew some ballz and decided to mouth off. Well, I'm mouthing back, better run for cover.... But first, I have to thank Kevin from KNOR-AM1400 in Norman, Oklahoma for having me on his wrestling talk show. Unfortunately, bad phone lines prevented me from really hearing what was going on, so my performance was less than spectacular. If he's reading this, I would LOVE to get another shot at it. When everything is coming through all clear, I PROMISE to rip on just about EVERYTHING!!! I know the radio business, and I know that the magic word is ratings. To Kevin, or Rob from Boston, to anybody else out there with a radio show..Hyatte is a GUARANTEED ass ripper...and not just about wrestling either. I am VERY happy to announce that the Mop-Up will now be translated into German."Wrestling news! Wrestling fun!", currently the biggest german newsletter edited by Frank Lilienthal will now be offering the Kraut version of the Mop-Up. A fine fellow by the name of Stefan Matern agreed to all my demands (No editing, SCOOPS plug with every column) and I guess it'll all be good to go starting with this little F**ker right here. HOW Stefan is going to translate this is beyond me.....WHY he WANTS to is even more shocking. I'll have that German guy who writes for SCOOPS push it for a few weeks....then it'll be up to all you Aryans to get "Wrestling news! Wrestling Fun!" and start saluting your NEW Fuerer Welcome to the FOURTH REICH BABY!!!!....Oh man..this is going to get bad...VERY quickly...and DAMN...just when I had a "Schindlers List" closer all written up....now I have to scrap it. Well, somebody is at it again. While perusing the Internet the other day, some low level, talentless, my-opinions-mean- something-DAMMIT, douchebag of a web guy started criticizing Al Isaacs and his comments about the possible retirement of SHAWN MICHAELS!!! Not only did this moron (who refused to mention Al's name by name, lest anyone think that he actually reads SCOOPS...Heaven forbid. Let me clue you in onto something...EVERYBODY ON THE 'NET READS SCOOPS!!!) criticized Al for saying that Michaels career may be finished (anyone with half a brain can see that), but he had the BALLS to pick that particular column as an example of how WRESTLING JOURNALISM ON THE WEB NEEDS CREDIBILITY!!!! What a dickhead. First of all, this guy is a pure NOBODY. He is NOT what you would call a "major player" among web guys, Hell, the only reason I found his site was through a link from a rather popular site...and you know what, I kind of liked it. I even wrote to him and told him so. It had a quirky humor to that I found enjoyable. One week after I told him so, he came out with this crap. He turned out to be quite the jackoff and I'm sorry to ever have found him. No, I won't name him by name....I'm NOT giving his lame ass site any notoriety. He is a little "C Word" who thinks that because he can string some words together coherently, he is some sort of an authority. If you know you I am talking about, then you know that his site is nothing but a waste of time with no real creativity to it. Just like the other thousands of other sites out there, he is hoping against hope that he can score points by being controversial, yet not smart enough to realize that he is simply ripping off everything else out there...and ripping them off BADLY. He is a joke who briefly earned my attention by ragging on the biggest wrestling web site in the world...what a fresh concept......lamo. Jealous bitch....even your mother is ashamed of you...she told me last night while putting on her kneepads. I haven't been this steamed since that Parody Master from Canada decided to target Al....the only difference is that at least HE had some TALENT. THIS girl can do nothing better than to read other people's sites and spout off worthless opinions. Furthermore, of all the things to blast Al for, he chose the column where Al gave us an update on Shawn Michaels. He bitched about Al making claims that Michaels is "ready for the scrapheap"...or some other bullsh&% like that, criticizing Al for "not checking sources" or some other nonsense like that. Nevermind the fact that Al has more sources than 95% of the Internet today (and Al keeps them by knowing when to keep his mouth shut...Al is sitting on a piece of news right now that would BLOW THE MINDS AND MODEMS OF CYBERGEEKS ALL OVER THE WORLD if he released it...but he isn't, out of respect for the parties involved), NOT ONCE did Al say, "Michaels is gone and will never come back", nor did Al say, "Michaels will be back for the next Royal Rumble." No, he just said that Shawn still had a long way to go and any speculation about his future is premature (Personally, I think he's all done). Of all the things to use...this idiot picked THAT one. What a tool...what an useless, fu*&^%$ tool. One piece of advice for the buttface, (who I KNOW is reading....and probably fuming that I'm not mentioning him by name) instead of worrying about what other guys are doing, maybe you should work on YOUR site. That way, maybe more people than you're immediate family will check it out. Oh yeah, and tell you're mother to come over around midnight tonight and remind her to bring the vasoline. Now THAT'S an opener! Now that I am all cranked up from that little pimp slapping, I can't think of a better way to start laying some pipe on Monday night. Once again, it's time to venture into the realm of sweaty men with huge tattoos and a willingness to fight...no, no, no..I am not writing about the year I spent in C-Block, instead I am writing about... RAW IS WAR (or ORDER THE REPLAY DAMN YOU!!!!!) That's right, by the time you are reading this, my recap of the Ling of the Ring should be up and running. Since you've probably heard it from just about every 12 year old with a 'puter by now, let Hyatte remind you loudly and clearly...GET THE REPLAY OF KING OF THE RING!!!!!!! Trust me on this one.....just trust me. -opens with still shots that pretty much tell the story of the main event match from Sunday. Then, the camera rolls in black and white as we see a bloody Austin reacting to his loss. -opening theme -The fireworks go off in Cleveland, Ohio. The fans go off in their seats. Jim Ross goes off to find some more Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust.... -...then he remembered that he was on the air and screamed bloody murder about the MOST INCREDIBLE PAY PER VIEW TO EVE.........Whoooo...wrong announcer. It took me a second to register it, but the other voice speaking with Jimbo is none other than Jerry "The King" Lawler....(YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE KING IS BACK, THE KING IS BACK, THE KING IS BACK!!!!!) -sorry, but after every WWF PPV, I suddenly get the urge to scream things out in 3's. -Before the crowd dies down, out comes Vincent K. (My toupee also doubles as emergency toilet paper) McMahon along with Gerald Brisco and Commissioner Slaughter...Pat Patterson wasn't there....your expecting a joke right? Well sorry folks, I ain't doing it because...... -Jim Ross mentioned that Patterson suffered a loss and their condolences go out to him. (I heard that it was his lifemate.....and while it's truly like shooting fish in a barrel, I'm gonna give Pat the night off from the ball breaking...I may be an A-hole, but I am not a F-ing A-Hole....the pussy who ragged on Al is an F-ing A-Hole..and a virgin to boot) -Vince was happier than Art Garfunkle after reading the reviews of "Capeman". In the middle of the ring, the WWF belt was held in a glass case. Vince proudly remarked that the REPREHENSIBLE, SICKENING, POOPY MOUTH known as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin was no longer the WWF champion...and the NEW champion is a man who has never tasted alcohol....(other than those times Patterson was blitzed during one of their meetings....you can bet he was tasting something that was spiked....I know, I know..I said that Patterson would have the night off......but DAMMIT, A HAVE A COLUMN TO WRITE!!!!!!!). -Where the Hell was I again? -Oh, right...then Vince says that this new champion's "only hand gesture is when he salutes the American Flag"........ -Salutes the American Flag????? Oh My God No.... -Or maybe it should be.....Oh My God Hoooooo... -I can't believe it....Vince has HIRED HACKSAW DUGGAN BACK AND GAVE HIM THE BELT!!!!!!! JEEZUS CHRISTMAS ON A POPSICLE STICK!!!! DUGGAN'S BACK, DUGGAN'S BACK, DUGGAN'S BACK!!!! (again..I talk in 3's after every WWF PPV....I wonder why?) -Vince has absolutely SNAPPED!!!! -Okay, enough of this crap....out came Kane....but first... -You know Vince...how he makes his voice rise as he finishes a sentence, until it peaks at the last word and he erupts in a roar? Well, when he introduced Kane, he was caught up in such a fury that the crown of his hair actually began to VIBRATE. It is a Hell of a funny sight, and I recommend you all be on the lookout for that next time Vince starts screaming....It's friggin' hilarious. -Anywhoo...out came Kane with Paul Bearer. Bearer ran through a bit melodrama dealing with the Lil' Hell Raiser as a child.....eventually (and believe me, he took the scenic route on this baby) driving to the fact that now, the Undertaker is Savage and Kane is now Hogan. -Then Vince took great pride in wrapping the WWF belt around Kane...and he REALLY got up close and personal, damn near hugging the guy around the waist....(must.....stop.....Patterson joke....that's fighting.....to...get...o...u...t!!!!!) -Then Austin's music blasted....Vince jumped like a convict who bent down to pick up the soap...(Damn those C-Block memories HAUNT ME!). -Austin came out....since I've spent mucho time on this already and we have a LOOOONG night ahead, I'll run through this... -He told Vince that he'll "Kick his ass just for wearing those shoes"....(HUGE SPITTAKE from laughing.....great stuff)...then he reminded everybody that since it was the Undertaker who drew blood on him, then Kane really isn't champ....or some other bulls*&% like that. He demands a rematch...and demands that Vince quits throwing darts at a picture of Ted Turner and start acting like the owner of the WWF. -Vince opens the door for the crowd to yell "Hell YEAH" by saying that maybe Austin doesn't deserve a title match... -Austin persists.....Vince says it's up to Paul Bearer... -Austin pesters.....Paul Bearer sweats chicken fat and poops about a bucketful of Hershey Squirts in his Calvins (now THAT'S a visual) -Bearer says it's up to Kane...Austin goes psychological on his ass and says that he'll never be a man until he pins Austin 1-2-3....finally. Kane nods his head and agrees. For TONIGHT...in case you Einsteins haven't figured that out yet. -Jim Ross DARES us to flip to Nitro during these paid... -commercials..including a video spot for the replay....I'm tellin' ya...it's worth every nickel to get it again. -Jimbo mentions something about a "Brawl for All" tournament that begins tonight....Rhyming catchphrases have all been downhill ever since the "War to Settle the Score" back in the 80's. -Darren "Puke" Drosdov (Commie bastard) comes to the ring....he is fighting.. -Sable? Good Lord! -Or maybe not (But feel free to inject another "Good Lord!!" on her outfit). She hits the ring, grabs the mic, an introduces a new WWF wrestler recently signed to an exclusive contract (as opposed to a contract that can let you alternate between WWF and WCW?) and introduces.... -Steven Regal (Call him "Lord" and he will pee on your favorite stewardess). Regal comes out...still a bit on the spongy side, but looking miles better from the gut he had cooking towards the end of his WCW tenure...Regal hits the ring and it's on.. -Meanwhile, Sable hits the announcer's table....Ross is the gentleman and stands up to greet her. He asked if Lawler was gonna stand...Lawler said that he really couldn't at this particular moment.....(Now, do I REALLY need to draw you a map? You really need some 'splaining for this one?) -Incidentally, somewhere during this segment, Ross and Lawler commented on either Sable or Regal's new contract....and all the bucks he/she was making...(At least I THINK it was during this spot...my audio kept blinking on and off all night, so forgive me if I miss a few great lines). Lawler said that he was making some cake too, because he was back on the air FULL TIME!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT BABY...NO MORE OF THAT CLUELESS MICHAEL KOLE!!! THE KING IS BACK, GOD BLESS LAWLER, GOD BLESS LAWLER, GOD BLESS LAWLER!!!!!!! (Talk about "heroes"?...F- Goldberg...Lawler should be someone to look up to) -So, Lawler was as frisky as a pedophile watching Seseame Street and Ross asked her some questions dealing with her current "position" in the WWF....(I hear Shane needs lessons in the ways of doggyst........WHOOA....familypagefamilypagefamilypage) -A---HEM....Sable politely no commented on all of Ross' questions, and politely laughed at Lawler's innuendos...meanwhile, Regal dominated, basically beat the crap out of Puke in that mat style he has going (I see a feud between him and Severn that would ROCK). Ross must have had a BIG hand in hiring him, because he had more compliments for Regal than Tony Schiavone has for Powdered Donuts -Regal won with the Regal Stretch....a piece of advice for anyone involved with the WWF who may be reading and who knows a WWF booker....GIVE REGAL A MICROPHONE AND LET HIM TALK!!!! Regal is GREAT at mic work, he is GREAT at playing up to the fans, (I ALWAYS get a chuckle whenver he sticks his fist and shakes it at a fan) and whenever he call someone "Sunshine" it is ENDLESSLY entertaining. -And let's not forget...Regal was fired for humiliating GOLDBERG in the ring.....just a little something for your bloody information...Sunshine. -We see Marc Mero jumping rope....or maybe shadow boxing...it's all the friggin' same. -commercials -Ken Shamrock comes to the ring with a camouflage t-shirt on...making it damn near impossible to spot at times...(Reminds me of the damn gooks back in Kwan Tree....We NEVER could see them coming). This is his little "coronation" so to speak..although he didn't put on any crown (Oh the folks at the UFC would've LOVED that wouldn't they?). He goes on and on and is the usual sportman that faces tend to be (Who says there are no more baby faces left in the WWF?). Then even thanks the Rock for such a good match....(What is this crap? This is a WRESTLING SHOW!!! How DARE Shamrock act humble...what is his FRIGGIN' PROBLEM ANYWAY????) -FINALLY...a voice of reason....Owen Hart comes out and says that Shamrock is a homo..or some other nonsense like that. Owen reminds everyone that he is a BLACKHEART and he once "saw him standing next to a record machine, knew he had to be 'bout seventeen, wanted to take him home, where we could be alooooooowhooowhooone, and I knew it wouldn't be long 'cause he was with me, YEAH ME, and he'd be movin' on and singing that same old song, YEAH WITH ME..." -B'fore Owen could finish his mini-concert, HHH and Chyna came out and reminded everyone that he was King of the Ring too (Which was the reason why Owen came out....in all the crap, I forgot to mention that lil' tidbit)...one thing led to your mother and... -A "King of Kings" Triple Dance was on.....alas, without Mabel to defend his crown...t'was missing the passion. -Of course, the Triple Threat was on much LATER...right around the time Bischoff starts slowly bringing out the WCW SUPERSTARS WHOM WE ALL WANT TO SEE..(namely, himself). -commercials Chris Hyatte
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