Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Moving right along. 6/29/98 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Okay, now it's time for the BRAWL FOR ALL...(shouldn't there be an "it" somewhere in there?). It's a boxing/wrestling dealie-Yo where they fight for 60 seconds, rest for a few seconds..then do it again for three rounds all together. They had ring doctors, judges, and they even dragged Danny Hodge out of mothballs to referee the thing. We are talking REAL FIGHTING here...boxing gloves and mouthpieces galore, The first two fighters were Steve Blackman and Marc Mero (Mero must have been really jacked for this because I heard that he's been begging to show off his real life boxing skills ever since that Butterbean fiasco). I be nutshellin' this because I be able 2... -The point system was rather simplistic....points for takedowns, landed punches, and a knockout wins the whole magilla....that's all you need to know... -other than the fact that Blackman won by taking down Mero all throughout the fight...I think about two shots were landed all night, but they didn't add up to much. -The crowd seemed to be booing at times...(either that or they were chanting "MOP-UP, MOP-UP")...either way, it wasn't happening for this concept. A bit on the boring side, but screw it..at least they tried something new...and God knows they have enough tough guys hanging around. -The Skittles Slam of the week was Chyna dropping Owen with a DDT at the KOTR.....( NAY!!! I SAY THEE NAY!!!!! THERE WAS ONLY ONE SLAM OF THE WEEK MY FRIENDS..AND YOU ALL BLOODY WELL KNOW WHAT IT WAS.....FOUL SKITTLES...I CRY FOUL ON YOU!!!!!! HAVE AT THEE BASE VILLIANS!!!!!!) -God...I have never felt more gay in my life.......unless I count that C-Block thing again -commercials -Kevin Kelly in the backstage asks young Kane as to why he would accept the rematch challenge.....I'm sure you can figure it out all by your very lonesomes...this was the bit that was taped at the PPV....thus we see Mankind there in his mask. -Val Venis hits the ring to take on Dick Togo (Val Venis? Dick Togo? Did I accidentally bump my VCR play button and start watching a gay porno by accident? And why would there be a gay porno in my VCR in the first place?) -Anywhoo...Val Venis seemed to have taken a bit of a shine to Yamaguchi San's Geisha flower of a wife...and took a nice long look at her...then he got to work... -BUT NOT BEFORE...grabbing the mic and saying something about the Cleveland Indians...(I think)...and about his Tomahawk...or something like that.... -By the way...considering how tight his wrestling trunks are....do any of you really see anything cooking down there? He ain't no Goldust... -Speaking of Goldust and gay porn...Dustin Runnels joins the fun during this match and tells Jimbo that RAW would be a PERFECT opportunity to spread the word of God.....when he asked Lawler about his religious preferences...Lawler hemmed and hawwed...then said that it was none of Dustin's friggin' bizness...for Chrissakes. (Y'see.. Jerry is still hunting for that religion that allows "relations" with pre-pube girls...he ALMOST scored with Heaven's Gate...but he had to wrestle the night they went to join the flying saucer.....damn his luck) -Venis won the match (his best yet), then tormented Yamaguchi San's wife some more...(the chick be SMOKIN' by the way). Venis ended up brawling with Kaientai in the end...I don't know where they are going with Runnels....but no direction looks all that good....still, it's all a part of that little choo choo train rolling along known as "Operation: Get Dustin Over Phase III" -Can you imagine...Dustin as a HEEL Born Again Christian????? I couldn't even BEGIN to think about the ramifications of that. -commercials -Kole has what is laughingly called an interview with Steve Austin.....it last about 6 seconds before Austin throws his loser ass out of the room. -somewhere in this mess....the hour changeth over....forsooth -It's time for the "King of King's/Triple Threat/Let's see that Loser Malone Try This/Nitro is for Girls/Rat Pack Rules/I Like To Eat Lipstick/Three Way/Don't Be Flippin' to TNT/" match between the KOTR winners. HHH came out first, but didn't tell anyone to get ready to "Suck It". Owen came out second, but Shamrock crashed the party early and attacked Owen in the aisle...(God Help Me...Shamrock walks and runs like a duck). HHH took it easy as the two beefed for a bit. -It's yer' average brohaha....including the obligatory spot where two men doubleteam one guy, then they go after each other...been there, done that...still, these three are the most skilled mamajammas in this sport..as well as being mighty young too...t'was a good row....taken clear threw a mess o' -commercials -We see that during the commercial break, there was a three way sleeperhold (Forever dumb...permanently stupid) which ended when Owen dropped his head and sent a jaw jackin' chain reaction...or some other foolishness that Bischoff wouldn't even touch.....(Then again...it IS Bischoff.....this'll be Malenko's finisher by this time next week). -The bell rang mysteriously...but Ross blew it off as an accident. -There was all sorts of interference from all sorts of nasty people......there was also all sorts of near pins and near finishes. The end came when the Rock nailed HHH with the IC belt from behind and Shamrock caught the pin/win. Afterwards, the Nation and DX jammed at the entrance way while Owen attacked Shamroxk and wrapped his legs around the ring pole and going for the "Hart Lock".... -Unfortunately, Owen gained a few pounds since the dreaded "Bret Screwjob" (Must'a been the depression of it all), so he couldn't quite heave his legs over Shamrock's, thus making the "Hart Lock" more like a "Texas Cloverlock"...still looked rather cool tho'. I wish that Owen could have scored a pin over HHH...wouldn't that have been nice? He could use a pin over HHH. -Uh oh....brooking no more of this silliness..the Undertaker comes to the ring for a chat.....alas, even a Lord of the Underworld and Destroyer of Wayward Souls must bow before the ALMIGHTY dollar...in other words, he picked his toenails and waited through some... -commercials -UT is ready to talk...Michael Kole is ready to talk...we are ready to check on Nitro.....he did....he did...we didn't -Basically, Kane may be the most henious creature to ever squirt out from the buttcheeks of Satan.....but there was NO WAY UT was going to allow him to set himself on fire...(I'm sure the Pittsburgh Fire Marshall may have doth protested as well). -Out comes Vincent K (my toupee is flame retardent so my ass was covered either way) McMahon, who tells the UT that he knows he can't beat anybody involved in this little drama..and if he sticks his greasy ass into tonight's match....he will have to deal with a Hell even WORSE than the Underworld.....(How does a Summer filled with jobs to Tom Brandi sound? He can do it Dead Man....BET ON IT BUCKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -The KABOOM of the night went to the spot the world is STILL currently talking about....AND IT BLOODY WELL SHOULD BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -Another Brawl for All. This time Bradshaw is taking on Mark Canterbury. Listen, I have a whole Nitro to do...and some more RAW action, so we must breeze... -Bradshaw won....nobody went down, a few good shots were landed, the crowd chanted "BORING"....Canterbury Tales out of there (fer you learn'd folks out there). -Mark Canterbury was Henry O'Godwinn...in case you had a burning desire to know. -commercials -We see the Edge..sittig on the edge of the rafters..wearing black...looking solemn.....Sitting in the rafters? Wearing black?? Looking solemn???? Oh Sweet Jesus....MGTROE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -The LOD come to the ring without Sunny...Ross says that she's under the weather....(Is there a wrestler out there known as "The Weather"?) Hawk or Animal announce that they have had some problems as of late, but that's all fixin' to change as they have FINALLY found the one soul inspiration of their lives...then they bring him out... -And out comes "Precious" Paul Ellering...(Lawler, "I thought he was dead!"). He hits the ring and Hawk hands him the mic... -DEAR GOD...IF THEY BRING OUT THAT FU&^%$% PUPPET...I AM QUITTING THE MOP-UP AND GOING TO FOLLOW STAR TREK CONVENTIONS ALL YEAR ROUND......I'M GOING TO BE A "TREK HEAD" -Instead of the damn puppet..those damn motorcycle bald guys come out...(suddenly, I miss the damn puppet). One thing led to your mother and... -Ellering announces that he is managing the DOAers...and then they all beat up on the LODers...it's a SHOCKER that damn near everyone saw coming. -Wrong, wrong, WRONG.....make the LOD NASTY ASS heels with Ellering, them have them beat the CRAP out of the New Age Outlaws, then have them DESTROY EVERYBODY who gets in the ring with them....THAT'S how you make the LOD innerestin' again. -Oh yes..and bringing back the term "Road Warriors" full time would help as well...make it a back to basics approach and watch the t-shirt market skyrocket. -commercials -Kevin "Peeps" Kelly talked to the Undertaker....Undertaker said that nobody tells him what to do......then gives the camera a Crotch Chop -Austin hits the ring.....a PPV match needs some avengin' -Kane hits the ring....a PPV match needs some approvin' -The match is on......meanwhile on Nitro, Goldberg was fighting Glacier....just something to chew on. -The match is still on...no more nasty commercials to kill the momentum. The Undertaker comes out. -The match is still on...Austin is wheezing a bit from his illness...but still fights the good fight. -Kane pulls out a chokeslam.....worst one I ever saw -Austin goes for the Stunner...Kane pushes him away. -Austin goes for it again..and hits it. He gets the win and wins the title. The crowd erupts....and a KOTR main event is proven worthless. -After the match, the UT hits the ring. Austin stuns him while he wasn't looking. Austin leaves with the belt, the Satan Brothers get up at the same time and look at him. As Ross struggles to find a plausible reason to scream "MY GOD, THE CARNAGE!!!" the show ends. There was not a SINGLE mention of the Hell in the Cell match...nor was there a mention of Mankind's remarkable performance. Oh sure, Ross talked about how amazing the card was and how he saw things he never saw before, but that was about it. Another thing, and this is for you WWF fans out there. WCW fans BIGGEST WWF criticism is theior lack of talent. Well, tonight, they put on a GREAT show....without Mankind, Vader, X-Pac, the New Age Outlaws, Jarrett, Severn, Maivia, Faarooq, or Al Snow. Sure, some of those guys made cameo appearences..but that was only very briefly. Just something to think about. I still have a Nitro Mop-Up in the can....go ahead and check it out. Chris Hyatte
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