Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the July 3 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte Big closer = no wasting time! EXCEPT!!! I have to raise the question. You are a second placed organization that can quickly fall to third place because Heyman is that damn smart and appears to be able to work miracles. You cannot afford to lose ANY MORE big names to the competition. You pay these guys HUGE contracts to stay around, so financially, they are set for life almost within the first couple of years. You have shown TIME AND TIME again an willingness to forgive any sort of unprofessional behavior. You show a CONSISTENT lack of spine when dealing with an outraged talent. Are you all with me? Good, because my question is. How the F&%K is Scott Steiner being PUNISHED by being suspended? He's already being paid on a guaranteed contract. He knows that the WWF will take him if only to flip off Russo and Bischoff. He has heat. His career is SET. So what good does suspending him do? Ooo, two weeks vacation. Scary!! Miss out on an opportunity to work a real live WCW EVENT!! Oh God, the horror, the horror. It's all a joke. WCW made it's bed a loooong time ago. Once the Inmates start running the Asylum, it's IMPOSSIBLE to get them back in their cages. Face it, the only way for WCW to get out of this mess is to hire Vince McMahon to run things. NITRO: (or: Fat Ladies Singing at 9:00? Props for their honesty!) -ends with Wimbledon coverage. Ever since that Sports Illustrated cover story, I have become obsessed with anything Anna Kournakova. My God in Hell... she's amazing. -and to think... there was a time when Steffi Graf was the hottest thing in Tennis. -My God... Venis Williams redefines the word "Fugly". Her father's a real trip tho'. -No wonder everyone hates Anna... Tennis was the last unsoiled bastion for Bull Dykes everywhere. Now she's gone and ruined it. -In her day... I would have given that Capriati girl a tumble tho'. Nothing better than a Girl who still looks for Daddy's love. Ooo.. they're so damn PLEASING to aim! -okay... back to it. -WCW Symbol. No Apes learned to play the drums with leg bones when this thing landed. I bet they threw their feces at it instead. Hell, it's all I can do not to dig in and throw some of MY feces at the TV screen! -various footage from last week that I'm starting to think is placed there for no other reason than to prove to people that WCW stayed alive for ANOTHER week. (Maybe they themselves are amazed?) -Backstage, Ernest Miller is on the phone talking to "Eric"... Eric whom... I wonder? -Miller begins a long dissertation as to why Chicago Pizza sucks... (AHA!!! I know who it is NOW!!!) -damn near nobody's gonna get that one. -Miller explains that Scott Steiner had to be suspended for a week because he used the Steiner Recliner (So, it was ONLY a WEEK? Oh that poor bastard!! I HOPE HE LEARNED HIS LESSON! RESPECT THE POWER STRUCTURE DAMMIT!!!!) -This "Eric" chewed Miller out for the low ratings... (when in doubt, always blame the black guy... I believe that is Rule #23 of the White Southerner's Handbook. It's Rule #1089 of the White Northerners handbook, but that's because we are MUCH more evolved). Miller responded according to whatever angle they are running. Then hung up the phone. -He was confronted by Mike Awesome. After confirming that Miller actually TALKED to someone on the phone, and wasn't just rattling on into a dial tone, Awesome promised plenty of mayhem for tonight. -Awesome left. Miller sat there. Emoted silently, then shuffled through his paper work. Then his image froze as the tape stopped. Not even half a minute into the telecast and there's already a Production Glitch. Nitro: The Never Ending Greek Tragedy -Outside, we see not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Ambulances lined up. Looks to me like Goldberg wants his own way and he'll END A FEW CAREERS IN ORDER TO GET IT!!!! -Of course, Tony sees the Ambulances and equates it with your standard average week of Nitro. "IF PEOPLE ARE BEING RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL!!! YOU KNOW IT MUST BE... NITRO!!" -opening theme -Tony welcomes us to a "capacity" crowd. Then announces that "EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT BASH AT THE BEACH!!" Yes they ARE... and through a series of polls and random phone calls... I have calculated the three most frequently used sentences in regards to Bash at the Beach... to wit: -Sentence #1 "You buying it?" -Sentence #2: "Of course not." -Sentence #3: "Yeah, me neither." -Barely sentences. One of them is more like a fragment. BUT THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING!!! PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT BASH AT THE BEACH!!! -Tony welcomes us to Charleston, West Virginia (for those who found Virginia too damned "racy".) He introduced himself. He introduced Scott Hudson. And just when we thought they MIGHT have wised up... he introduced Mark Madden. -Tank Abbott steps out, but bears to the left and heads to towards the side. -DJ Ran saw him coming and took off. He almost knocked down the entire back prop wall in the process. -I think we should all take a moment to gape in disbelief over the fact that DJ RAN STILL WORKS THERE!!!!!! -*gaping in disbelief... honestly* -DJ Ran and Rikki Rachtman. One of many grand plans of Bischoff's to get "cool". Lo, the last 83 weeks have been INTERESTING. -Tank assumes the headphone at the DJ table. Hudson, "Two turntables and a microphone" Shut the F-Up. -Tank gets on the mic and compliments himself for getting DJ Ran to live up to his name (only this time, withOUT a TV in his hands)... then asks if we are ready. (audible silence) -DJ Tank asks again if we are ready? (awkward silence) Madden chirps that he's ready. DJ Ran is still standing in the background, holding his nose and shaking his head. This is so we know that Tank is a Heel and DJ Ran is not a Face OR a Heel, but is a "Civilian Face". He isn't wrestling, but he will help the children know who to boo and who to cheer. -DJ Tank asks if we wanted the "best"? (Someone yelled, "No, we're here ain't we?") -DJ Tank asks if we wanted the "best" again? (Someone yelled, "Where's Shamrock?") -DJ Tank said that here is the "Greatest Rock and Roll Band in the WORLD!!!" -Imagine if WCW actually DID get the remaining Beatles to re-unite on Nitro? It would take all the Bullshit I could muster in order to justify giving the week to RAW. -Oh, I'd do it... but it would take a LOT of bullshit. -He introduced Three Count... I still LOVE the notion that HE is a fan of Three Count... utter brilliance. -3 Cuont (haa!!) come to the ring with their little Frisbees. It's Evan, Shane, and the other guy. Even has something to say... -No he doesn't. Tank cuts him off and tells them to get to the song. He isn't nice about it. -So they start singing. Tank wears a big grin and dances along. -Here's another stroke of Genius... Tank is actually MOUTHING THE WORDS WITH THE BOYS!!!!!! -Madden had to get involved, because he's a Heel announcer, thus he is telling the children that whoever HE supports must be booed. So, since he is a FAN of Tank and Three Count... the children know to BOO them. -Which also means that Madden is telling children to CHEER fresh fruits, vegetables, and daily exercise! Also to CHEER personal grooming and good hygiene. Madden is actually doing GOOD!! I'll be damned. -The song went a few moments. Then the Jung Dragons come out. Is this going to be the opening match to every Nitro from here on out? -Within scant seconds, 3 Count became 2 Count as one of them hurt his shoulder and was escorted away. He was quickly replaced by Tank Abbott. The match suddenly became interesting. -After a few more minutes, all the Flyers engaged in that Luchadoresque sequence where they all took turns diving over the top rope and into an opponent. Naturally, the opponent had to awkwardly get into the guy's flight path in order for a connection to be made. -Finally, the Last Dragon (wasn't that a 80's blaxploitation karate film?) was about to dive, but Tank stood in his way. Tank entered the ring. The Jung Heap started failing away at his chest. Nothing. The Jung assumed the "Crane Position"... no one had the sense of Irony to yell, "FINISH HIM"... -Tank reached in and cranked the Jung kid right in the chest. He went down. He shot his legs up and started to quiver (nice touch). A spare Counter pinned him. -Afterwards, all three of the boys started to sing again. Tank stayed at ringside and danced. Oh Jesus... that's how *I* dance too. -backstage, Kevin Nash was walking around, obviously with two things on his mind... -#1: First Tank put over Arquette, now THIS? -#2: Shouldn't I still be working the ankle injury? -Elsewhere, Ernest Miller has cornered the Jung Dragons and has plans to put them to more use later tonight. -Elsewhere, Goldberg is on the scene. Suddenly, he's a walking corporate billboard. (at least Austin had the decency to peddle his OWN clothing) -Amazing... I find more reasons to hate Goldberg EACH WEEK?? He is SUCH a joke now!! -commercials. "The Last of the Mohicans" is playing Saturday on TNT. The "inside" name of it is "The Last Movie Madeline Stowe Looked Good In" -I see guys wearing Mohawks ALL THE TIME... how can there be a movie about the last one? -umm.. then again... it HAS been a while since I saw anyone with a Mohawk... -ALL RIGHT!!! WHO KILLED THE MOHICANS??? WAS IT THE HEBREWS???? -backstage, Mike Awesome put a Day Laborer through a table. All the Wrestlers refuse to put him over because he left ECW in such a douchey fashion, he's reduced to common folk now? -a touching, fond, memory filled look at the Hall and Nash relationship... taking us back to a better day... a day filled with hope... with promise... a day filled with week after week of ratings victory that is now officially NULL AND VOID BECAUSE RAW HAS EQUALLED THE NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE RATING VICTORIES ON A MONDAY NIGHT!!! GUESS WHAT MARKS!!! WCW'S STREAK NEVER HAPPENED ANYMORE!!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA -"... a day filled with week after week of ratings victory"? -Whoa... look how young Nash was. When did he get so old? When did we all? -The memory lane ride ended when Goldberg stormed into the control room and rasped, "TURN THAT *garbled* CRAP OFF NOW!!!!" There WAS no WCW until Goldberg started. -Nash was staring at the monitor... it took a few seconds to realize, "Why does me and Scott's greatest hit video include a shot of Goldberg directing the show?" Then it hit him. He stiffly climbed out of his chair and took off. -Goldberg's music started. In case you need to have it hammered into your skull, (Hey, who doesn't?), we see a sign that read, "$oldberg". I wonder how much the berg went for, anyway? -Another big sign reading, "GOLDBERG: NASH IS WATCHING YOU" (well, at least SOMEBODY is... BOOYAAA CHA-CHING!) -GB enters the ring. He turns his hat around backwards... MY GOD!!! IS THAT GOLDBERG??? OR FREDDIE DURST??? -Goldberg has the mic. He said, "I just want you people to knowww..." (you better BELIEVE that's the same damn thing as saying, "You knowww" before every speech... if there was a class on Wrestling Mic Work... "You knowww" is in chapter 1! -anyway... he is sick and tired of all this Outsider CRAP!! What did the Outsiders ever do that he hasn't done? (well, win a quarter hour, for one) -suddenly, I have a chilling case of deja vu... I KNOW I've written that above sentence once before! -Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are "two of the biggest pieces of GARBAGE that I've ever seen!!" -"It's about damn TIME, someone stood up and told you good people, what the Hell the story was!!!" (a-hem... safe bet this will NOT be the story of Jesus) -"See, ever since they day they got here, they've tried to undermine and destroy WCW!" (really? even during the first two years when YOU WEREN'T EVEN THINKING ABOUT A WRESTLING CAREER??? OR HAS HISTORY NOW BEEN RE-WRITTEN AND YOU'VE BEEN HERE SINCE DUSTY FOUGHT FOR AMERICA AND TULLY RODE THE GLASS PIPE??????) -Dig the sly look GB gives the cameras... ooo, he's letting it ALL hang out. IT'S A SHOOT, KIDS!!!! -"The thing that gets me is... is that you idiots cheer them week after week!!" (err... My Goldberg... perhaps you should backtrack and try to explain HOW they've attempted to undermine and destroy the company since day 1?) -"But what about Goldberg, huh? You know, I've carried this damn company on my back for two years!!" (you've been in the BUSINESS FOR ONLY TWO YEARS!!! YOU'VE BEEN INJURED FOR A QUARTER OF THAT TIME!!! NO NITRO HAS EVER WON A SINGLE F-ING MONDAY WITH YO... that might be a little erroneous... I rescind the claim... -The FU** I will... NO NITRO HAS EVER WON A SINGLE F-ING MONDAY WITH YOU ON IT!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, AND F-YOU!!!! -Let the pecker dangle free... that's MY motto! - "I GIVE YOU PEOPLE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN!!! I GAVE YOU PEOPLE... A HERO!!!" (a Hero who re-works his contract every two weeks. A Hero who is in the ring right now selling both Nike and Adidas!!!!!!!) - "Everyone of you people saw what I did to Hacksaw Jim Duggan last week!" (oh.. right... by God, he IS a Hero!!!) -some rhetoric about doing the same to Nash at BAB -Now... it's MY TIME!!! (that bastard HHH must of stolen his theme music... no WONDER he's pissed at him!). "And there blood, is on YOUR HANDS"... meaning our hands.. the fans hands. I can speak for YOU losers... but the only time I have blood on my hands is when I get a little third base action during her Monthly!!! Booya. -Or... when her mouth gets a little cocky... BooYAAA -Kevin Nash came out. Now we'll NEVER know how he and Hall tried to undermine and destroy the WCW... DAMMIT!!! -Nash had a mic. He said, "Goldberg... I got four words for ya!!" The first two were "It's MY TIME!!" (*COUGH3wordsHACK*) The second two were, "WHY WAIT?". He also tossed in "bald headed bitch"... which was completely edit free... about bloody time someone clued GB in. -Nash charged the ring. WCW Security charged in. Tony called them "R & B Security"... even though Dillenger was clearly shown... (I'd scream about how he must have converted to the "dark side"... but it doesn't get any darker than the Hell Chylde as it is) -Ernest Miller ran out and started calling for a commercial. The Announcers, of course... pretended like there was a shot in hell we'd get a fight between these two so soon in the first hour, so they were busy yelling, "NO, NO!! STAY ON!! WE WANT TO SEE A FIGHT!!" -You know what the funny thing is. In the two weeks before Bischoff and Russo took ver, both men made a LOT of noise about how they REALLY wanted to go head to head with RAW for both hours, claiming that "If we want to win, we have to get in there and FIGHT!!!" Does ANY WCW fan out there REALLY think they would have stood a CHANCE now? -commercials, including a Cell Phone spot featuring Jeff Jarrett. Who read from those cue cards with all the passion of a guy who demanded commercial work in his contract. -we see the DRAMATIC CONCLUSION to the Goldberg/Nash melee... WCW Wrestlers were there and held Nash back. Usually, it's the other way around. (ahh.. wry wit with a touch of poignancy -Meanwhile, Mike Awesome powerbombed a security guy. -back to live action... Ernest Miller was again on the phone with this mysterious "Eric"... Miller asks "Eric", "How can you say Hyatte set out to be the Anti-Petrie when he never even read Petrie once in his life?" (Yeah, I'd like to know that one TOO!!) -He also assured the guy that he will keep Nash and Goldberg away from each other so they can save it for PPV GOLD!!!! (there's a plan!) -Terry Funk came up to Johnny the Bull and asked if he was ready for his "ultra-tough, mucho grande" opponent tonight, so he had better be ready! He told Johnny to pick up that nearby trash can. The Bull never saw fit to ask Funk why he had a chair with him. -The Bull bent over to pick up the can. Funk chaired him. Funk announced that HE was the opponent. -As with all Hardcore Matches... everything gravitated into the ring... where Funk dominated. (haven't seen that in about 20 years!) -Then the Kid got his shots in. Things spilled into the seats. A short fat kid held up a sign that identified him as "SEAN" (THAT'S the guy I feuded with?? HIM??? Well no WONDER!) -Things spilled back around the ring area... The Bull laid a chair on Funk's face... re-entered the ring... charged... jumped on the top rope... balanced himself... dropped down... did it again... and jumped up and down in a Alabama Jam. -Since I already knew what happened, there was a certain creepiness to waiting for the moment when he broke his pelvis. You tend to look at the guy differently, knowing that he has no clue what's about to happen. -The move apparently broke his pelvis... which explained why he rolled around the floor. He was a trooper though... and gamely fought to his feet. Then fell back down. He tried to chair Funk, but ended up throwing it at him. -back in the ring, the Kid was struggling. A Bodyslam attempt was changed into a small package. -Jesus Christ... END THIS THING!!!! IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE IS BEING ENTERTAINED BY THE NOW OBLIGATORY SHOT OF FUNK STAGGERING AROUND!!!!! KILL THE MATCH AND GET THE KID INTO A HOSPITAL!!! -The Bull went for a pin... Funk kicked out. -The Bull struggled Funk into a DDT. FINALLY... Funk stayed down. -Funk was the first one up, and practically carried Johnny the Bull out of there. The Announcers refused to break kayfabe and yelled about how now Johnny was ready for his Hardcore match against Big Vito on Sunday... NOW HE'S PRIMED FOR SOME REAL HARDCORE ACTION!!! -Trust me on this one... the only blood Johnny the Bull will be seeing on Sunday will be in his piss and stool samples. -The Announcers get face time. Madden mocked Scott Hall's toothpick throw. He's that damn GOOD. -We are taken to earlier that day where Dale Torborg and Asya were rehearsing their brand new entrance... IT'S A PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN UNLIKE ANYTHING WE'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE!!!!! HOW CAN WE EVER BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF WRESTLING EVER AGAIN????? -basically, Torborg uses his YEARS of experience and studies Asya as she comes out and poses a lot... then a burst of fire erupts... the camera blinks ever so quickly... -then... Retard runs over to see Asya laid out cold. Production glitch? Or Evil sent straight from HELLLLLL? -We go backstage, where Torborg has calmly walked into the building. Wasn't he just at the entrance way attending to wounded bride-to-be? HOW CAN HE BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONC... -Tony tells us that we are back LIVE. Thank GOD for him. -Torbore tells someone off camera that he's just going to pick up his stuff then it's straight back to the Hospital. He walks right into STING!!! IN A CLOAK!!! BUT THE FACE PAINT MAKES IT CLEAR!!! THE STINGER IS BACK!!!!! THE STINGER IS BACK!!! - Sting hands Torborg his old Demon costume. Torborg takes it. One must marvel at the way Torborg keeps his face utterly blank and without a shred of personality. -Torborg walks away. Sting takes off his mask... Oh... it Vampiro... DAMMIT!!! Foiled again!!! -WAAAIT a second... does this mean Vampiro used to be the NWO Sting? -WAAAIT a second... who was that cloaked guy standing directly behind Vampiro??? Please.. for the love of ALLAH... don't tell me... HAS SOMEONE BROUGHT BACK THE BLACK SCORPION????? Sweet Jesus in the Desert with a Swine... has it come down to this? -commercials... spot for the "Klumps" do you think Eddie Murphy had any plastic surgery? That face looks awfully "lifted". -Ernest Miller... in trying to keep Nash and Goldberg away from each other, tried to tell Goldberg that Nash left the building, so he was free to go. Goldberg told him to go pick some cotton. (oh, he is such a JERK!) -Jindrak and O'Hare took on two of the Misfits. Someone won. Gunns took off her shirt. Gunns has now officially become much more interested in teasing the crowd than watching whatever goes on in the ring. Of course, Major Gunns has officially become more interesting than anything the Misfits DO in the ring. It has come to this. -The Perfect Event became involved probably because they had no other ring duty for tonight. First the cleaned house, then they were taken out. -In this next "-"... switch the word "Nash" with the word "Goldberg" and vice versa... also replace "go pick some cotton" with "take a walk, moron"... finally, replace the phrase, "Oh he is such a JERK!" with "See? Nash knows how to put down Miller without ANY racial slurring!" I'd do this myself, but I'm horrifically lazy. -Ernest Miller... in trying to keep Nash and Goldberg away from each other, tried to tell Goldberg that Nash left the building, so he was free to go. Goldberg told him to go pick some cotton. (oh, he is such a JERK!) -commercials -Awesome has just injured ANOTHER non-wrestler! Which, of course, doesn't exactly narrow the field in terms of WCW Employees. -Miller is back on the phone with "Eric" ("I'm telling you, he LIKES the nickname ‘Rasputin'!") Miller also adds that he couldn't get either Nash or Goldberg out of the building. He suggests that "Eric" fires them, "Eric" explains to the Nitwit that if they WERE fired, they would be on RAW, possibly within the next 5 minutes. Miller then comes up with a plan of his own. Apparently, this plan includes doing a little dance and pretending to be a Choo Choo Train. (man, if Don Cornelious were alive right now....) -Jeff Jarrett comes out. Madden accuses Hulk Hogan of being too afraid to show up on WCW TV. Word has it that Hogan wants to win on Sunday. WCW would rather not see him with the strap again. Oh darn... Hogan still has that little stip in his contract giving him total authority as to how his matches end... looks like WCW's up pad's creek without a shittle! -Suddenly, it dawned on me that I have never once gazed at Hogan's contract, so how the F#@K do I know what's in it? Then again, neither has anyone else, yet they have no problems reporting it as fact! -Jarrett's there for a little old school mic work getting people excited in his big match this Sunday. COME ON JEFFREY!!! LET'S SHOW ‘EM HOW IT'S DONE!!!! - ugh... he is NOT a "Jeffrey" -By the numbers: HE is Jeff Jarrett... the greatest World heavyweight Champion that ever walked into WCW... jobbedtoprettymucheveryone -andcantseemtohangontothedamntitleonhisown -methinksrossandaustinlaughathim -istilllikethebastardthough -He came out for one reason, and one reason only... to make one simple statement... -"Yep, I'm gay!" (and the world gasped in shock!! Or was that a yawn?) -eh... -His statement was... "Hulk Hogan is... the MAN!!" (now THAT'S... no it isn't) -Expounding on that one, simple, statement (PLEASE NO!! THE WRESTLING WORLD IS ALREADY REELING!!! WE CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE FRANK ADMISSIONS!!!)... he recalls a time when he was an "itty bitty slapnut", who sat on his Grandpappy's knee (Lord, I hope he had pants on) and heard tales told from when HE was a little boy... about how Jarrett's Grandpappy would pay a nickel to watch the great Hulk Hogan wrestle... (and EVEN THEN... the poor slob didn't have a strand of hair on his crown) -As Jarrett grew older. He trained like a madman, said his Prayers, took every Vitamin he could find... and became a Wrestler... now he's a Wrestler who gets to fight Hogan at the Pay Per View!! -See, while Hogan is THE Man, he is still only A man... Jarrett, on the other hand, is a GOD!!! (umm... did Jarrett watch ANY Nitro during the NWO days?? Isn't this a claim that Hogan made A LOOONG time ago?) -and EXCUSE ME!!!! But one of the perks of being an INTERNET GOD is that I can SPOT the real God's from the fake ones!!! To wit: -Jarrett: NOT a God -Hogan: A GOD (give the man some due, please) -Goldberg: NOT a God -Vince McMahon: A GOD!!! -Jesus Christ: Man, I hope not... or I'll have a LOT of explaining to do. -Tony Robbins: SATAN!!!! EVIL!!! A SCOURGE ON HUMANITY!! -Alanis Morrisette: NOT a God... but I'd LOVE to F-her -You're Momma: Of course not... fool -Remy "The Slammer" Artiega: If he is, I might as well go on a killing spree, because I'm F-ed already -John Ritter: In a strange twist of fate, He's actually Allah! Who knew Allah had a gift for slapstick comedy? -are you as amazed as I am that nobody has killed me yet? -side note: I once called the Robbins phone line to order his tapes (this was a looooong time ago, and the Operator told me to send the check to a California address numbered... and I SWEAR ON A STACK OF BIBLES ON THIS... "666"... I didn't order it. Now I fear him. -anywhoo... Jarrett hit his circle by saying that Hulk Hogan wasn't even WORTH the nickel his grandpappy paid to see him and at BAB, he's gonna blah blah blahhh -Meanwhile, Tony was stunned that Jarrett called himself a God. Madden, of course, completely agreed. -Jeff had a preview of what will happen on Sunday -Two Fat Ladies came out dressed as Valkyries... Hudson and Madden got into a conversation where both men were talking about something completely different. -In the "NOBODY DESERVES TO DEAL WITH THIS" department, OBESE Madden talked about how great OBESE Girls were at Sex. There is no conceivable image that isn't totally revolting. -A third Valkyrie came out. -Tony and Hudson guffawed and chortled at... at... heh... at the sight of... hoo hoo hoo... the fat girls trying to.. to... to... hee hee hee... sandwich themselves thr... through... the rope... hah hahahah... they... they... they were st... st... BWAHAHAHAHAAAA THEY WERE STUCK!! PAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!! -Oh... I weep for the many Web Personality who no doubt sympathizes with their plight! -The Plight of the Valkyries?? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAH -Oh God... I kill me! -Heh haha.. ho -AND THE... AND THE... THE SONG GETS STUCK AS THEY GET STUCK!!!! HAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW -Ahhh God that felt good. -The trick here was that they were going to sing, because Hogan was over and all that... not over in the WRESTLING sense, but in the literal sense. -He told the Girls that if they do a good job, he'll let them raid the Buffet table. Madden wasn't enjoying this new development one bit. -Some guy in a suit with gray hair came out and demanded that they cut this. Tony tells us that he is a representative of "Standards and Practices" (do they ALL look like JJ Dillon?) -How does Tony know who this guy is? -Anyway, he orders Jarrett to cut it out... yeah, THIS harmless bit is not up to Network Code? Nobody has a problem with Major Gunns taking off her top before 8:30. THE DAMN ILLOGIC OF THIS COMPANY!!! I -Jarrett ran around the ring, calling the girls "Fat SOB's" Madden said, "Let them sing, I don't CARE!!", oh, I think he did. -Madden now represents fat people? -Jarrett's microphone went out. He ended up hitting the guy with his guitar. The guy went down. The Announcers were all thrilled. Oh yeah, those damn Standards and Practices were what held them back ALL THIS TIME!!! THANKS TO JARRETT, IT'S A HORSERACE AGAIN!!!! -Jarrett left. Ernest Miller came out and twice asked for our attention before telling us to "shut up". He said he was going to put Nash and Goldberg in the ring together... along with 18 other wrestlers in huge "Ba'le Roy-El" (wasn't Roy-El Superman's retarded stepbrother?). How you like THAT twist? Eh? -Sign is shown reading, "MILLER = RATINGS" (which planet are you on, Sweet Tits?) -I would like to point out that I firmly believe that no one in WCW is bright enough to intentionally have the Fat Ladies start to sing just as RAW starts up. Total coincidence. -His name is Shane Douglas. He is called the Franchise. He is in the building. Feel free to react any way you see fit. -commercials -The Franchise will fight Buff Bagwell this coming Sunday, on PPV. Somehow, I don't see Bagwell as the guy who can ring a great match out of Douglas. -Madden reports that Kanyon's new book is selling like Hotcakes. Tony, showing that quick wit, said "no they aren't." -Booker T came out.... and was attacked by Chris Kanyon from behind. That is no way to treat a Brother! -Booker was tossed in the ring. Douglas wrenched his neck a few times... (softening him up FOR THE ROPE SHANE??? NO, NOT YOU TOO!!!) -It was all Douglas. And that ain't saying much. -Then Booker rebounds and gives him a Scissor Kick. Schiavone called it an "Ass Kick". He called it an "Ass Kick". -what a butthead. Ass Kick. -Madden, "SPINEROONI, SPINEROONI, MY GOD, A SPINEROONI" (The second I see one sign for this... I'm declaring war.) -I'm not sure on who... but someone's going to pay. Maybe I'll piss everyone off and re-start with... Oh for God's sakes, no. -Booker ended up winning. I don't know how, I was too busy doing focusing my fingers to connect to the proper keys. It's been a looooooong night pepole (damn) -Kanyon attacked as soon as the bell rang. He was all over Booker. At one point, Madden's voice went as high as it could possibly go and he started squealing something. agh... he is so UNFUNNY. -WHY CAN'T THIS MOTHERFU**ING COMPANY BRING IN SOME MOTHERFU**ING ANNOUNCE TALENT??? IS IT THAT HARD TO FIND THE RIGHT PEOPLE??? -Hudson and Schiavone... BOOM... right there. Neither has to be the "heel"... the fans can figure out who to cheer and who to boo all our own. BUT nOOOOoo THE WWF HAS LAWLER SO WCW HAS GOT TO HAVE SOME SORT OF SIMILAR PERSON. F-HEADS!!!!! -This attacked lasted until they played Page's music. Idiots immediately looked towards the entrance in hopes of seeing Page. They even started to pop. There was no Page. He's busy resting his injuries after months and months of sitting at home and resting injuries. -Backstage, Torborg is back in makeup. Tony, selling this loser as if SOMEONE gave a rat's ass... "Would you look at this? He's back! IT'S THE DEMON!!!!!!" -When did he get over? WHEN??? -commercials -Vampiro came out. He might have said something. -The Demon comes out of his "Tomb". Tony discusses how Dale Torborg was forever trying to get away from the Demon character (wha... have I been asleep or something? When? Hasn't he been the Demon for maybe 2 weeks? This is the dumbest thing I can imagine) -Ooops, no it isn't... because not too long after they started fighting... -a bunch of cloaked figures came out and surrounded the ring... They are NOT Druids... NOR are they Jews -They all surround the ring and point their bats at Vampiro. Vampiro is suitably rattled enough to job out to this douchebag. -Afterwards, they cloaked guys enter the ring, surround Vampiro, and make as if to hit him with their bats. The lights go out... -Vampiro is gone. -Now it's these idiots turn to look rattled. -At this rate, we are just a few weeks away from exploding boats. -and if this cloaked imbecile turns out to be Flair for no good reason, I will never recap Nitro again... because I will never WATCH Nitro again. - barelywatchitnowasitis -Backstage... the Big, Black, Limo Driver named... "Smooth"... is talking to the Filthy Animals. He's got an idea for them. He's full of ideas... he always had ideas for me... dirty ideas... degrading ideas... traumatic... -... -... -huh? -commercials -Ernest Miller goes to the Locker room and tells all the Bottom carders that their job tonight was to keep Nash away from Goldberg. Booker T steps up and tells Miller that EVERYONE wants a piece of Goldberg after what he did to Jim Duggan last week (oh give me a break... Duggan is the worst wrestler on the planet... yet he rode the road to WCW's upper echelon on Hogan's back... well, he got more than a few pushes... he's probably as resented as everyone else). -Elsewhere, David Flair sweet talks Daffney. plies kisses on her, and sang bits from "Titanic". Meanwhile, Ms Handcock was in the ring in her Wedding Dress. David kept sneaking peaks to the monitor. The acting job was simply horrendous. -Ms Handcock was in the ring. Madden said "Snootchie Bootchies"... can't he just die already? Does he have ANY fans? -Handcock has a mic and says that she hasn't decided yet whether or not she will wear underwear at the match. Suddenly, she morphed into the new Kimberly! I am totally unimpressed with her. No titties... flat ass... boring face... -Crowbar ran out and mugged her. GOOD!!! -David pretended to be sick and sent Daffney to go get something... then he took off to the ring. -Crowbar threatened to shave Daffney's head. Madden liked the idea... a little too much. Ick.. do I sound like that? -Flai... FLEUHR (he does NOT deserve the name) ran out and begged Crowbar to let her go. -Daffney ran out and crotched David. Then she dumped Pepto Bismal over his head. -Handcock hit Daffney from behind and pulled off her wig. She "seduced" Crowbar into not hitting her. Which allowed... allowed... oh I don't care about any of these characters one single bit. -To see the deal on this lameness... David and Blondy shaved Daffney's hair off... well, they shaved carefully placed extensions so her REAL hair was untouched. It wouldn't bother me were it not for the fact that Daffney then ran around with her hair flowing about, looking like it always looked... when will they stop this half assed stunts? MY GOD!!! WE NEED RUSSO AND BISCHOFF BACK!!! -and why DOES Bischoff vanish along with Russo? Did he suspend himself? -commercials (thank CHRIST) -Moments ago, Awesome struck again and CROWBAR was bombed. Hmmph... that's something! -Then, Awesome guaranteed that Crowbar would ride the medical Pony by personally throwing him in the truck, then throwing the gurney at him. I think it actually nailed his face (tough to miss with a honker like that!) -In the office, Miller was enjoying this. "Smooth" came by with Tygress. Tygress sweet talked Miller into... I don't know... they were going too "street" for me. -The Filthy Animals came out. DINF had the mic and asked Lance Storm and Billy Kidman to come on out. He also said, "Awww Yeah". -Lance Storm and Billy Kidman came out. Really? Just like that? Interesting. -Oh.. wait.. it was Juventud Guererra and Rey Mysterio dressed as Kidman and Storm respectively. Figures, Juvve would come out as the Jewish part of this tandem. -They hit the ring, so Konan could work his voodoo. -He asked "Juvman" what it was like to work with the totally uncharismatic Storm. Kidvee asked where Torrie was? Konan said don't worry about Torrie, then said that he heard, "on the strengff" that he didn't "serve her right". (y'know... like every body else in my barrio, I have the entire Will Smith catalog... I don't know what PLANET Konan is from... but the Fresh Prince is from the streets, and he ain't dropping phat phrases like "on the strengff" or "serve her right". -Then Konan asked Juvman what these two guys did in the spare time when they weren't "counting Richard Gere's gerbils" (on LIVE TV??? Oh, how great would it be if Gere sues WCW for a billion? LIBEL!!! SLANDER!!!! SLANDEROUS LIBEL!!! LIBELOUS SLANDER!!!!) -Jewvetude said that they also spent their time watching videos of the Jews, in hopes of learning how to wrestle. (as opposed to most people, who watch in hopes of learning how to... to... you know what... I ain't getting myself in any trouble here) -Mystormio tried to say a few things... but the REAL Storm and Kidman came out and we had an impromptu match. -Which the Animales won after Mysterio gave Kidman a Flying Bulldog off the top rope and onto a chair. It was an excellent match. You should have seen it. (NYYAAA) -Lance Storm has a real future. -Poor Billy Kidman. You think Hulk Hogan came up to him after their program and said, "Ya' did good, Kid... now it's back to Mid-card status for you! Put on about 100 pounds and maybe I'll work with you again!" -The sad thing is, that feud ROCKED... could have gone all year long if it wanted. -Miller is back in his Office. He may or may not have gotten laid. Who cares about HIS sex life? -A pissed off Vampiro tells Paula Pollshock that he's fighting Torborg in a "Graveyard Match" at the PPV. -commercials -Kevin Nash tells Goldberg, by way of Paula Pollshock that he'll be easy to spot in the Battle Roy-El... here's a hint, he'll be pissed. -Footage of the rampaging Juggernaut known as Mike Awesome and all the damage he's been doing tonight. -Awesome comes out. He says a few words... -Then points off camera and says, "Hey, you with the sign!! Yeah you!! Get rid of that sign! Because I am not a mullet!" He ordered security to take this poster away. (I don't buy this for one second) -Then Awesome stated loud and clear that "I am NOT a MULLET!! And if you even think about calling me a MULLET!! I am going to be really cheesed off!! So do NOT call me a MULLET!! Are we clear? Awesome does not equal MULLET. Awesome is NOT a MULLET. No signs, no chants, nothing having anything to do with me and the word MULLET. One thing I really, really hate, is to be called a MULLET! So do not call me a MULLET! No MULLET. If someone even calls me a MULLET, I while stomp around the ring and kick the ropes and hold my MULLETS I mean EARS and yell. So no MULLET! Okay? Awesome, yes, MULLET no!" -Then, is case we didn't understand what he was going for, Awesome held up a sign that said "AWESOME IS A MULLET" and tore it up. Then slipped the sign holder $50. -call me crazy, but I think he might want to get the "Mullet" thing going? -Tony, of course, said "mullet" about 50 times. -The crowd chanted "Mullet" -what's a Mullet? -Awesome was on the stick and said that he kicked everyone's (mullet) ass tonight except the (mullet) one guy he (mullet) really wanted! (mullet) So he (mullet, mullet) challenged Scott Steiner... who was obviously not around. he had the bell ring, then dragged a Ref out there and made him count Steiner out. -The Ref made the ten count and rang the Bell! I'll be damned, a clean win for Awesome! The show never ceases to amaze. -RICK Steiner came out and knocked Awesome out of the ring. he grabbed the mic and said that the next time Awesome calls out a Steiner, he had best be sure that there were NO Steiners anywhere! -Oh, yeah... Steiner also called Awesome a "Mullet Head" (uh oh... that might cause a chain reaction!) -This whole segment was all about getting Awesome, heat by getting his name associated with "Mullet". -commercials -Miller ordered the locker room out there to deal with Nash and Goldberg and keep them away from each other. -Nash came out. -Miller held the Face workers at bay. Booker T deserves better than this. -Nash waited as a serious of Mexicans came out one or two at a time. The Announcers scream, THIS IS NOT A BATTLE ROYAL!!! IT'S A GAUNTLET!!! IT'S A GAUNTLET!!! -Konan ran out! KILL HIM KEVIN AND I WILL PAINT YOUR HOUSE USING ONLY MY TONGUE AS THE BRUSH!!!!!!! -Mid carders ran in... and were tossed out. Konan lived. Too bad Big Sexy... I would have done a great job. -Big Vito ran in with his stickball bat... Nash jammed it up into his crotch. -Nash kept the stick and whacked everyone with it. -Meanwhile, Booker T finally hit Miller, then took off with the rest of the face scrubs to save Nash, who was doing just fine and dandy on his own. -Goldberg stomped out. Nash invited him in. Goldberg stayed on the outside. -We ain't getting diddly squish here, are we? -Nope. Nash's back was turned and Goldberg ran in and kicked him down. -Nash got back up and kicked GB out of the ring. Nash's boot looked to have gotten stuck on the top rope. LIFT, YOU BIG BASTARD!! LIFT IT!! -The show ended with The Announcers... (well, Madden) yelling that the REAL fight was on Sunday. This was like the old Nitro days. That ain't good. Mullet... yeesh. I see they are back to jamming things down our throats, eh? Raw wins. Raw has to win. I will not sit here in all good faith and even CONSIDER giving the night to a Nitro where Schiavone went ballistic over the return of the "DEMON"!!! No F-ing way. I have nothing for the Closer.. so I guess I'll just call it a night. This is Hy... "Wait a second True Believer!" HY: My God!! It's Marvel comics icon STAN "THE MAN" LEE!! ST: Yes indeed My Mighty Marvel Maverick, I have come to put aside those myths about the Uncanny X-Men's fantastic, flabbergasting, funtilliating film!! HY: You mean how it's essentially a 90 minute Wolverine story that barely touches upon the long, storied history of the most popular comic book that Chris Claremont saved from cancellation because you had no idea how to keep it alive? ST: Yes indeed My Wondrous Web Slinger! I'm just came to visit your lovely Superhero U article to spread merrily, mighty, marvel-like good cheer and assure the Lonesome, lovable, lucky lovers of Marvel that X-Men will NOT be like those other Mighty Marvel Masterpieces of Moviedom that sensationally staggered our silly senses!" HY: You mean Dolph Lungren being the Punisher? A stiff foreigner playing a New York Italiano like Frank Castle who was such a rich character that any actor would have jumped at the chance to play? ST: Correct My Fearless, Foolproof, Fastidious Fun Bag Friend! HY: And they could even cough up the dough to get the Punisher's trademark Skull on the chest? ST: You bet'cha!! My Capable, Caustic, Compadre! HY: Or it won't be like the Captain America film? With the Red Skull being played with an Italian accent, and you had to LIE to us by saying that they delayed the film in order to film more of the Red Skull because he and I quote, "was more mesmerizing on screen than Jack Nicholson's Joker?" ST: He should have won the Oscar for his wonderful, wicked, woefully wasted work as everyone's favorite Nazi German! HY: Tell me Stan, how could you sit there and say that the Fantastic Four's movie was any good? THEY THREW OUT A HOSE WITH A GLOVE ON THE END OUT OF A LIMO WINDOW AND CLAIMED IT WAS MR. FANTASTIC'S ARM!!!!! ST: No Mighty Marvel Mutant Mushhead should have missed that movie! As I said before, the "Fantastic Four" had a whopping 2 million dollar budget and you can bet every penny was up on screen!! HY: You mean the actors and the crew worked for free? ST: Well, no... but I had to sell the scintillating, sagaciously stupendous Celluloid any way I could! HY: And you thought the best way to do it was to tell them that the movie cost about the same amount of money it takes for B movie stars to even LOOK at a Script? ST: EXACTAMUNDO, My Amazingly Astute, Astoundingly Awe Inspired Ape!! HY: Stan, when will Ravage, the comic hero you created for the "Marvel World of Tomorrow", which you spent the better part of the early 90's promoting endlessly, which became "Marvel 2020", which you only ended up writing 7 issues of before getting fired, which you made the excuse that you were too busy being a movie consultant... when will Ravage get his movie made? ST: It's funny... that laughably lovable load of lasting laudiments Fred Hembeck asked me the same question just the other day... I told him "Fred, the movies are just too tame for a character who is Wolverine, Punisher, and the Ghost Rider all rolled up into one!" HY: Oh, so in other words, you admitted to an imaginary character that Ravage was too stereotypical of the Miller/Moore inspired "gritty" characters of the late 80's early-mid 90's... which guys like you exploited with overpriced, meaningless gatefold covers that nearly killed the characters and the business? ST: You said it, You Tumultuous, Turbulent, Terrifically True Believer! HY: Stan, what did John Byrne mean when he said that he couldn't do "Ravage" with you because even he was amazed of how little power you had at Marvel and even though you practically built the thing from the ground up, you are basically now nothing more than a pandering, pathetic pitchman that even Ronald McDonald laughs at? ST: Excuse me Son, I didn't catch that.. My excellently excitingly endearing ear piece conked out. ODIN BLESS MARVEL!!!! ODIN BLESS TOYBIZ!!!! MARVEL STILL HAS THE COOLEST, CRAZIEST, CONDUCIVELY CONFIRMING COMIC BOOKS ANYWHERE!!! HY: Hey Stan, how can the Thing have sex with that rocky, orange dork? ST: We never got into that. HY: BULLSH*T!! Kevin Smith may let you get away with that answer, but I refuse to believe that you never thought of it!!! How did the Thing get laid?? ST: Do you see him with kids, My Harrowingly Hilarious Hyatte? HY: no... ST: Has he always been the crankiest character to ever converge in a comic magazine? HY: yes.. ST: Well then, I guess I answered your question for you, My Lively, Loquacious, Loser. HY: All right, you got me there. Stan, exactly WHO do you think you are going to attract by writing a Backstreet Boys comic book? ST: Why, the Teeming, Terrific, Talented, Teenyboppers that read comic books!! These Boisterously, Blooming, Bountiful Boy Bands are exactly the kick in the buxom, blushing, butt that the comic industry needs! HY: Stan, you senile old man, do you realize that the 60's were a long time ago and there isn't a SINGLE fan boy who will buy the Backstreet boys comic book? AND WHAT IS A 80 YEAR OLD, OUT OF IT, OLD TIMER DOING WRITING IT??? ST: With the pulse pounding, procreative, promotional propaganda I plan on assaulting the readers with in my superbly, salacious Soapbox, I expect the Backstreet Boys to be bigger than X-Men. Speaking of which, the X-Men movie debuts July 14! Old Stan expects every Flatulating, Fabulous, Fan Boy Fanatic to be at the premiere!! HY: Stan, is it true that if you take off your black wig and your dentures, you're really Hume Cronyn? ST: The hair and the teeth are all mine, My Gloriously Gregarious Groupie! HY: Stan, those teeth are too f-ing straight to be from anywhere other than the basement of Sears!! AND YOU HAVE A THICK PATCH OF BLACK SURROUNDED BY WILTING WHITE!!! WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID, YOU STUPID, SOUL SELLING, SILLY SENILE OLD SITEZEN!!! Gaahh.. now you've got ME doing it! ST: I am trying to kid all of you into seeing the X-Men. See the movie, then buy every single Marvel comic on the notoriously nosey, nail biting newsstand!!! I have to go!! HY: LET ME SEE THAT BALD CRANIUM STAN!!! ST: The Clone Saga RULED!! This is Stan Lee!!! EXCELSIOR!!! He's gone. So am I This is Hyatte.