Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the July 3 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "Well you may as well (steal material as stated in a previous letter) have since you need new material. Your jokes are stale now and they have been for the last year. The only good column you have written in a long time is that what would jesus do column. It doesn't matter if your uncensored now at scoopthis or not. You are boring as hell still. Take some notes from my next column that will be up there in the next two weeks. Peace out." - A writer on the Internet. He writes on Zimmerman's site. Feel free to go through them and see which one. I dare you. If your eyes don't cross halfway down the list, you're a better man than me. Of course, I'm not arguing or anything. Of course, since I have to wait two weeks to steal fresh material… I guess this week's going to SUCK. "Scoop This will eventually grind down to Hyatte posting Mop-ups whenever he damn well feels like it; I'm betting he'll cut down to a Mop-Up once every three months soon. You know something's wrong when a guy with as spotty a submittal record as his is now your most consistent contributor..." - Someone on our mailboard. Gee, it couldn't be because I actually wanted to HELP a site through its bad patch? Could it? It's not like my old site didn't have something new every day and could obviously survive if I vanished for a week or two? It couldn't be because I feel a sense of duty and responsibility? COULD IT? Hi, I'm Chris and this is the Re-Hash. I have two big pieces of opening tripe to sling out, then we go to the recaps. Then we finish things with a nice closer. What the closer will be, I have no clue yet. I'll do my best to make it stale and boring. As usual, it shouldn't be that hard. Oops, scratch that, I just banged out one HELL of a closer. If you are a fan of... or even HEARD of... comic books, then you'll love it. Moving on, everyone on the Net is talking about Bob Ryder's "shoot" comments on Goldberg late last week. I'd just like to say: AHA!!! I KNEW IT!!!!! I ALWAYS maintained that the big moron was milking that injury of his so he could ride out the Sullivan Disaster and take credit for any WCW revival. I also ALWAYS maintained that his ego was in full out overdrive. With the exception of one night where he took out both Scott Hall and Hulk Hogan, along with the one night they replayed his PPV match against Dallas Page, Goldberg has never registered ANY significant ratings growth against the WWF. Yet, he thinks he's responsible for any success the wrestling business has ever experienced! It wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that he's only been in the business for 3 friggin' YEARS!!!!! A-HOLE!!!!! STUPID ASS!!!! D-HEAD!!!! D-BAG!!!!!! ASS FACE!!!!!! You know, if GB got any more arrogant, I'd start to wonder if he writes for the Internet under the pseudonym "Rick Scaia" Speaking of which, I DEMAND to see the "5'000 questions" Rick says that he already has stored for his "Ask the Rick" column. I don't believe that line of bull for one second. I doubt there are even 5'000 viable questions you can ask about this ridiculous sport. In case I'm wrong, and there ARE 5'000 questions... I would like to make it 5'001 with this question: "Rick, why are you such a hardon?". Someone send this to him and hopefully, I'll get my answer in 6 months. Back to the original point, the sad thing about Bob's comments is that when I first read them, I automatically assumed that he was taking part of some sort of "worked" bit. This was supplemented when I read the WCW Live transcripts on the Lariat and saw Disco Inferno, Jeremy Boreus, and the other nitwits fawn all over Bob's daring comments. It's really sad that from now on, anything Bob says will forever be questioned as legit. And of course, just yesterday, Bob did a completre about face and praised Goldberg for working the Nitro even though he already said that he was milking out the arm injury... it's almost as if someone in WCW banged Bob's head against the wall a few times and screamed, "HOW DARE YOU TELL THE TRUTH!!!"... poor guy. And so ends the openers. Now begins the recaps. It's safe to say that there will NOT be any silly Independence Day themed material here. My 4th day sucks because I'm spending it sitting in front of this PC banging out another column listening to the fat congeal on my ass, gulping pots of coffee until my Kidney's ache, while SHE gets to go to the Beach with her friends wearing the skimpiest Bikini she owns and being picked up by every wop with a good head of hair and a natural olive skinned tanned. Now I'm going have to search every hole she owns searching for a scrap of Pepperoni and smelling for a whiff of Garlic. F-this holiday, F-this column, and F-You. AND CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SOME DIFFERENT FIREWORKS FOR ONCE? Ever since I can remember, City and Town fireworks have always been the same. For 50 years now... no change at all. We got cell phones, Digital satellite TV, Full Computers that you can wear as a watch. The Police can now drop a small device on the road that will ZOOM AHEAD and get right UNDER another car AS IT'S STILL MOVING and shut off it's entire electrical system. Yet every f-ing town has to have these bland fireworks shows. A light goes up... it explodes into a flower shape... several small lights sink down. For the finale, they just fire off a dozen of these things all at once. You'd think by now, they'd be able to do SOMETHING new with the crap... ANYTHING. Rat Jap Bastards Speaking of the same crap week after week... RAW IS WAR: (or: He's STILL a Vanilla Midget) -WWF is One World! And after next week's ratings, Nitro fans will have NOTHING to brag about anymore!! LLLLLOSERS *places right fist with thumb pointing west and index finger pointing north to forehead* -opens with backstage action from Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. They are walking. The camera is working the low cut angle looking upwards which is all the rage these days on MTV. -HHH stops, looks at his Wife, almost says something, and continues walking. Then stops again and repeats the action. Stephanie finally says "WHAT?" Hunter finally accuses her of LETTING Jericho kiss her. Of course, Stephanie protest, "Are you kidding? Did you even WATCH the King of the Ring? Jericho FORCED me. That is the most DISGUSTING thing that has ever happened??? (Umm, I would think the time Heenan gave Andre mouth to mouth AND the night Jake Roberts shoved his Snake into Steamboat's mouth might be somewhat more disgusting. Then here was the time Bischoff frenched the fat chick at the first NWO Souled Out. Oh, I think those things qualify as being slightly more disgusting.) -Of course, if Stephanie was so turned off.. THEN WHY WAS THERE A PUDDLE IN THE RING AFTERWARDS???? -lame Hyatte... lame -BUT... better to get the lame stuff out early I guess. -in a so-awkward-it-almost-doesn't-seem-scripted moment, HHH discovered that Mick Foley was behind them. He ran over to the new Commissioner and DEMANDED that he give him a title shot and DEMANDED that he give him a piece of Jericho's skinny white ass. (which, I'm SURE, more than a few Rubes said, "Huh? when did Jericho beat the Rock?) -Foley said that he would have done it last week, but he was still annoyed by his last couple of matches where Hunter refused to put him over (THE CLIQUE IS ALIVE AND WELL PEOPLE!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!). Mick told Hunt (Mick Hunt... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA... oh that gets me every time) that he can have Jericho at the next PPV, because a collision like this is simply too damn big for cable TV. (bet'cha it will be damn spiffy once this Dog & Pony show heads out to "The Nashville Network"... a CLASSY network... as opposed to this damn NIGGARDLY network known as USA! -Mick then reminded HHH that he had an opportunity to be the #1 contender last week and he blew it. HHH snipped that he didn't "Blow anything" (Oh, I have certain photographs that simply BEG to differ... you sick, sick man... I hope that was a midget.) -Mick sez that he WILL get a title shot, but it'll be an IC title shot against Rikishi!!! How does HHH like them apples? -HHH sez fine, then announced that tonight, "Rikishi is Jericho!" Obviously because their styles are SO ALIKE!! -opening theme -Got us some fireworks (feh!! Always the same... nothing new... pricks!) -Got us some fans (feh!! Always the same... nothing new... marks!) -Got us some signs (feh!! Always the same... nothing new... prickly marks) -Jim Ross welcomes us to the "O-Rena" in O-lando, Florida. They WOULD have named it "O-Sable", but that might have breached some sort of settlement. And who likes to bring up the past anyway? -O-Rena... what happened to that post-wrestling CAREER??? You were supposed to SKYROCKET??? -Cut away to SCREAMING fans who were... well, SCREAMING in the WWF New York Restaurant... apparently, they caught wind of just exactly what was in the "Owen Hartdog" (the man's been dead a year and I still ain't giving up.) -Ross tells Lawler that within 8 days, the entire WWF Landscape completely changed. Yeah, but if history and WCW tells us anything... things will revert right back into the toilet within 6 weeks. -How DARE they change the landscape without putting out new T-shirts and promoting it ad naseum... DON'T THEY KNOW HOW TO ACT DESPERATE?? -Ross finishes up a brief discourse as to why NOT to break from tradition and stay on the competition when... -Eddie Goorerro vamooses out with Asia Chynarerra -We see a sign that says "MAMA SITA"... no, NO... you idiot... it's spelled "MAMASEETAH"!! Didn't having Elian in your state for those months teach you ANYTHING??? -God, if it's one thing, I hate... it's ignorance! -SEND ALL THE MEXICANS BACKS TO CUBA!!!! -Chris Benoit comes out. Thus, a Mexican with a (possible) Transvestite in his corner opens the show against a Canadian on the day before America's Birthday... I don't know whether to salute the Flag, or wipe my ass with it. (although, Lord knows.. I saluted more than my fair share of toilet paper wads after they dealt with the mess I had brewing back there gave them a full burial at sea, by God!) -My God... THE RADICALZ ARE BREAKING UP RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!!! -My God... I JUST REALIZED THAT NOBODY GIVES A CRAP!! -Ross asks Lawler what sort of "changes" does HE anticipate later tonight? Jerry says that if he's feeling "saucy" he might slip into a blue chiffon gown with satin underwear and a lovely pair of powder blue heels. (You GO Boyee!) -They lock up, Eddie slips behind Benoit, takes and elbow, is thrown against the ropes, jumps and rolls over Benoit, is up like a cat, builds a time machine, forgets to carry the 3 in a critical math equation, ends up building a sliding machine, slides into a dimension where Octopuses have taken over the World, defeats the King Octopus by jamming a big rock in his inkhole, saves Humanity, slides into another world where Kari Wuhrer is considered a good actress, bangs her until her appendix bursts, slides back to the present day and turns a Benoit Sort-of-Powerbomb into a Hurricarana, then follows up with a Tilt-A -Whirl Backbreaker. Hot Damn! -Benoit takes control. Gives Eddie a Gorilla Slam. Benoit throws Eddie into a corner. Benoit charges. Eddie catches him with an Elbow. Eddie climbs to the top corner and gives Benoit a modified "Block Buster". -Uh-dee chopped Benoit a few times.. then the goofy camera guy was close enough to hear him call a spot. (ooo, dammit.. I hate when reality stumbles across our blissful ignorance!) -Benoit picked up the Euro belt and made as if to hit his former ese... the Ref disagreed with his intentions. Chyna did too. She climbed to the ring and hit Benoit with a bad blow (meaning: It looked stiff). Benoit reeled Eddie dropkicked him into Chyna. The Ref rang the bell and DQed Eddie. Ross called Eddie "Jericho" (Canadian... Mexican... it doesn't matter to Good Ole' Jr. The Cross will burn just as bright on either lawn) -Eddie checks on Chyna. Although I don't recall seeing Benoit hit her ANYWHERE near the crotch? -Benoit hits him with the belt, then puts Chyna in the Crippler Crossface. He secured her arm between his legs and pulled her neck and face WAAAY back! (sounds like the last Puerto Rican lush I snagged back in my Nightclub days... "Here, you like that bitch? YEEEEAH!!") -Ahh, don't think for an instant that amid the violence here, the Control Booth wasn't enjoying the nice little cleavage shot we got. -For those of you who keep records... oh yes, this is DEFINITELY a week where I want to bang Chyna until her bum hurts. -A mob o' WWF officials break it up. Benoit jumps down and leaves. he turns around and smiles that malicious, evil grin he has started to do as of late. In the WCW, he'd be teaming with Booker T as "Chocolate and Vanilla". They might even give them a Chick with big boobs and name her "Strawberry". Madden would be making a lot of comments about "licking". Everyone would be sickened. -commercials. Arsenio Hall was once considered the heir to the Carson throne. Now he's in an ad where he's 3 inches tall and sitting on a pay phone. Just sit back and chew this over... has ANYONE fallen so fast from stardom? -of course, I never liked Asskissio from day one. So I'm loving every minute of it! -Moments ago... well just scroll UP... lazy pricks -Backstage, Medics tend to Chyna's arm... I would have thought the Crossface worked primarily as a sheer pain move, with neck strain thrown in for good measure? -More cleavage shots... God Bless America -Eddie, of course, was throwing a fit. Dude... it's over... Elian is GONE!! -Mick Foley came out. Ross sez that Mick has "more power than any other Commissioner before him!" (Ohh... I do believe a man by the name of JACK F-ING TUNNEY WOULD DISAGREE!!!!!) -BIG sign that reads "HHH FEARS DRUG TESTS"... I don't get it. -Foley has a microphone. He waits out a chant of "FOLEY, FOLEY"... then thanks the crowd. -He mentions that he thought... someone... was backstage for a second. Probably one of those inside jokes that countless web guys already informed you about just to show that they know everything while you know nothing. -Foley, "Do you know what I have?" -Lawler, "One ear!" -No, he has the greatest job in the world!! (Really? I would have given that award to Brad Pitt... or an Ice Cream Taster... or Andy Rooney) -He announces that the Faction is splitting up, the WWF Stock is going through the roof! And we got us a new WWF champion. -Heat on MTV... who'da thunk it? I guess we won't ever get the sequel to the MTV/WCW ULTIMATE VIDEO CHALLENGE now... damn. -Mick admitted that being the Commish means that he sometimes has to do disagreeable things. So, he sadly stated that he has now officially "banned the Worm." (I didn't even know Dennis Rodman was... was... oh let's not and say we did) -AH! Mick was just kidding. He LOVES the Worm. (yeah, him and Carmen Electra) -He DOES have a decision about the #1 contender... which he WOULD have had last week were it not for Kurt Angle and 3H mucking things up... -"So tonight... in ORLANDO, FLORIDAAA" (big self effacing thumbs up... which is why he is GOD) -"the possibilities are wide open..." -This brings out the Rock... possibly to show Foley just who is the top heat machine in this business... ("try THIS pop on for size, Fatass!") -Rocky does his thing. I SWEAR, I saw my toenail actually GROW while waiting it out. -He gets on the mic and stares at Foley. Foley extends a hand for him to shake. -Rocky puts the mic to his lips and says that after all the Hell they've been through together... after all the cage matches, the ladder matches, I Quit Matches, Last Man Standing Matches (which, really.. is the same damn thing), the Rock says... -MY GOD!!! IT'S A TIME BOMB JUST WAITING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!! -... "welcome home" (oh yeah... Foley DOES live in Orlando, doesn't he? As does Jericho. As does Scott Hall. I wonder if Scott Hall showed up in the back to say hello to some old friends? Let's get a Web Guy to take a break from discrediting other web journalists and check on this PRONTO!!! -They shook hands. Mick thanked the Rock, and congratulated him on being "5 Time WWF champion" (does that mean he's going to get screwed out of the title at the next Survivor Series now?). He also asked Rocky how it felt to be up in the "elite list of Greatest WWF Champs of all time!" (Well, he doesn't OFFICIALLY get into the list until he leaves the WWF and starts pissing on McMahon for either A: Ruining the business, B: Wrecking his life and career, or C: Ruining the business while wrecking his life and career at the same time. Those "in the know" call it the "Bruno Syndrome".) -The Rock chewed it over for a moment, then said "Well, the Rock fee" -Foley, "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ROCK FEELS!!!" Then rolled out of the ring, ran around, and started yelling, "FOLEY, FOLEY, FOLEY" Rocky, meanwhile.. stood there and broke kayfabe with a big smile. Lawler loved it. Ross, of course, was in hysterics. -It was a classic moment. It's stuff like this why WCW is number 2. I can't even explain why... but there is a certain "looseness" to the WWF that the WCW just does not have... no matter how hard the try. -But it this way... if Jeff Jarrett tried to goof on Hogan like that... or if Nash tried to have fun with Goldberg like that... BOTH men would stomp out of there and refuse to do ANYTHING until they received full apologies and a total contract restructuring. -Foley rolled back in the ring and said, "I FINALLY GOT YA!!!" Ross parroted my thoughts by asking if "this ever happens in the White House? Or just in the WWF?" Then said, "I think the latter". (Just replace "White House" with "WCW"... that's what he really meant. DON'T ARGUE WITH ME DAMMIT!!! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANT!!!!!) -After letting the moment naturally fade, Rocky tried to counter with, "Didn't the Rock tell you never to use his catchphrases again?" Much like many of my jokes, it bombed. -Unlike me... who never met a bombed joke I didn't recycle forever, Rocky quickly changed subjects and got down to business and told Foley that he's feeling feisty tonight so hows about Foley get going and name us a #1 contender. -Which brings out the "No Chance in Hell" theme. Geeze, that was quick? COULDN'T STAND TO BE OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT, VINCE??? IS THE WWF NOW ALL ABOUT GETTING YOU OVER?? -Out came Shane McMahon... well don't I feel like a F-ing A-Hole now? (that was a rhetoric question... don't try to answer) -COULDN'T STAND TO BE OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT, VI.. SHANE??? IS THE WWF NOW ALL ABOUT GETTING YOU OVER?? -Shane is walking slowly, no doubt to sell the BIG bump the Undertaker gave him. -Shane stayed at the entranceway, and said, "I know what you're all thinking!" (He does? Maybe now we'll find out what happened to Lo Phat Ham!) - Waaait a second... I just got it! "Low Fat Ham"... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA -and to think, I always figured he was just some Jap. -Shane didn't answer that question, instead he assumed we were wondering how a normal man could be standing there after taking such a beating... yet he's NOT a normal man he's a MacMahon and OH can this bitch babble on. -Am I crazy or is there gray hair running along the sides of Shane's head? -Oh... wait.. I was looking in the mirror. -actually, it turns out women LIKE gray hair... it's makes a guy look "seasoned"... I swear... I didn't squat until a little gray started to sprout a few years ago... then I started getting ALL THE BABES!!! -of course, getting them drunk... and giving their drinks a little shot of "happy juice" while they weren't looking helped move things along too. -Shane bragged that he was voted "Class Valedictorian" in his college... as well as being the Captains of the Debate AND Water Polo team. -Shane prattled on. The fans screamed bloody murder. Even Lawler told them to clam up. -Shane brought up the bump he took AGAIN.. (okay, we get the point) then said that he had to endure "His power hungry Mother and his ego-maniacal Father!" (Heh... sounds like my dealings with Trey and NoSoul.... oh I'm going to get REAMED for that ... you don't know the HALF of it) -He said that he witnessed his Bro-In-Lo drop the strap without being pinned. -He said he witnessed his Sister get called a "SL(bleep)" on a regular basis -and Finally, he witnessed the WWF hierarchy get handed over to a "slob" and a.. a.. BLACK MAN!!!!!!! (Oh jeeze... HE'S A'SHOOTIN' FOLKS!!!!!) -Shane announced that the WWF should be led to the next Millennium by SHANE MCMAHON and it should be SHANE MCMAHON who decides who should be the number 1 contender. -Foley hopped back on the mic and claimed that he was distracted by the crowd's noise... so he thinks he just heard Shane say that HE (Shane) should be the number 1 contender (alas... the "Couldn't hear because the fans were too damn loud" strategy is one that WCW wouldn't have the NERVE to try) -Foley asked Rocky if he heard Shane say that he should be the #1 contender? -Rocky said he heard it. Add about 50 more syllables and you'll get his complete statement. -Shane said no, no, no, no -Mick said that he watched Shane's big bump in slow motion AND in Freeze frame... and he watched Shane's eyes and he saw the testicular fortitude and.. and.. and... oh man... THIS SH*T GOES ON FOREVER!!! -they made the match between Rocky and Shane for the belt much to Shane's chagrin. Rocky compared himself to George Washington... (for a split second, I thought he was going to add... "George, ‘Boom Boom' Washington, then start playing an imaginary Cello) and said that he cannot tell a lie and Shane's ass will be kicked and these segments are a bitch to recap. -Backstage, Rikishi came out with a leather jacket that read, "Rikishi's Phatwear".., (for those who have COMPLETELY dropped the concept of dieting... and getting laid) -anyone else bothered by the fact that Ross calls Rikishi... "Rahkishi"? -commercials -Rahkishi comes out... with the Inner Connimental belt -HHH comes out with the Wife. Remember when wrestling lore dictates that the CHAMPION should come out second? Goddam Clique RUNS this business. -THE CLIQ KILLED OWEN HART!!!!!! THERE, I SAID IT!!!! -The bell rings. HHH attacks and starts pummeling ‘Kishi in the corner. -It went on a bit. The crowd chanted, "STEPHANIE SWALLOWS" (well, how ELSE is she supposed to get food into her system? How do YOU do it? I swallow! I have to. I ain't cool like you, I actually have to EAT FOOD TO STAY ALIVE!!!! Jesus, sue me for being human!) -Lawler told us not to listen to these damn Floridians. Ross, who is obviously no stranger to swallowing ANYTHING, kept to the match. -HH and then there's H went for the Pedigree, he was backdropped. ‘kishee sat down hard, but 3H sat up and avoided it. -HHH sat on RickyGiri (he still alive?) and punched away. He followed that up with a DDT. Sheekee NoSold it (HAW!) and popped right back up. -HHH ate a big boot. -HHH ate a Samoan Drop which is the exact same thing as a "Sumo Drop" -Hunter rolled out of the ring. Ihsikir followed. The Ref started to count in that loud fashioned that clued EVERYONE in that this match would end in a count out (oh, I hate that). -BIG sign that read, "BETWEEN THE ROPES.COM" $20 and a lung sez they have a "witty and edgy" recapper on board. -well I'll be damned... it was a countout! -Rikishi rolled into the ring, so the attention could be drawn to... -Chris Jericho, who ran out and attacked HHH a little. He rolled him into the ring and watched as... -Rikishi buried his big ass in Hunter's face. I'm willing to bet that SOMEWHERE with Hunter's mind, the song "meeeemories... like the pages of my miiiind" was playing. -Stephanie was upset... yeah, as if Hunter's face hasn't been to a few questionable places on HER body. -Rikishi was happy to have a man's face in his ass. Keep in mind he's from Samoa. Draw your own conclusions. -Too Cool ran in and they danced. Ho Hum. -commercials -footage of what just happened. -Backstage, Mick Foley has built himself a Mini-Commissioner Office.. complete with Cactus plants which paid homage to Cactus Jack. -HHH blitzed over and shoved the makeshift desk. One of the Cactus plants fell down. (THIS IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE BECAUSE IT FORESHADOWS SOMETHING THAT COMES LATER IN THE SHOW!!! WHY AM I yelling?) -HHH raved on about Jericho and how vengeance is a dish best served cold... -Foley countered by saying, "Well it doesn't get any colder than DX, so why don't we put on a Handicapped match?" Then told HHH that if he interfered, his PPV match is OFF. -3H agreed... confident that Dogg and Pac will succeed where Khan failed against Admiral Kirk (the F*CK am I talking about?) -meanwhile, Jeff Hardy comes out with Lita. Essa Rios is back to pumping gas in Jersey (God Bless Old School Heenan... I thought he was fired anyway?) -Lawler sez that the next PPV is brought to us by "Twix". Is it a Cookie? Is it a Candy Bar? Is it BOTH? -Val Venis came out with Trish Stratus. Ross quickly reminded us that this was STRICTLY A BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP... apparently, Val is now a Mormon. -The beauty of matches like this is that they do nothing to enhance any actual storyline. IT'S JUST ABOUT RASSLIN' DAMMIT!!!! IT'S ALL ABOUT RASSLIN'!!!! -Jeff went for one of those "Run Across The Guard Rail And Leap At His Opponent" Moves... AKA the "Enziguri" (you got that right, slick!) -alas.. he fell off. because he SUCKS!!!!!! -So he ran on the ring floor, jumped at the end, and propelled himself into Val. KILL THE DAMN MORMON!!!! -Lita moves in for a closer look. Ross says that she moved in for a closer look. Why? So she can try to pinpoint weaknesses in Val's offense and give Hardy pointers during the match? Or so she can scream, "ANDELE, ANDELA!!! JEFE TANGES UN LAPIZ!!! UN LAPIZ ES AMARILLO!!!!!" -This was all Val. Ross talked up Val's desire to move up in the world and prove himself to the WWF Brass. (THE MAN HAD THE GREATEST GIMMICK EVER YOU FAT ASS!!!!!!! I CHOPPEE CHOPPEE YOUR PEE PEE, PEE PEE!!!) -What kind of man wears a belly shirt anyway? If I didn't know better, I'd say Jeff was a homo! -Actually, I DON'T know any better... HOMO!!!!! -The Venis romp continued... Jeff launched a counter offensive including a Bouncy Bounce springboard that almost broke his neck. -Hardy did the "Downward Spiral" (shut up), then followed with the Senton Smashy (shut up some more) -Trish hit the ring apron. Teddy long wasn't impressed with the White Girl's assets (Brother stays with the Sisters... Brother stays STRONG!!!!) Lita pulls Trish down. -Taz hits the ring and chokes down Hardy. Val hits the "Mormon Shot". Val secures a victory. -Samuda sez Vince isn't thrilled with taz yet. Scherer sex Vince IS thrilled with Taz called Samuda a poopy headed LIAR!!!! And you thought stupid feuds was only reserved for B-PLAYERS!!! (orA-playerslikemoiwhogoslumming) -All I know is that no straight man with a penis that actually fills up with blood when aroused can be in a strictly business relationship with Trish Stratus without at least ATTEMPTING to get a little action. -We see that Terri Runnels is guest appearing at the WWF Restaurant. Mayor Rudy Guliani was there too with his new squeeze. I cannot see how anyone other than New Yorkers would care. -DX were backstage discussing how Jericho will get smoked tonight... oh, wait... they were actually talking about the doobage they got stashed in the locker for the Post Show Party at "Casa De Hall" later tonight. -commercials -We are LIVE at the O-Rena... or is it the Water House Centre? And if they are at the "Water House", why isn't Aquaman at the show? - - -I need a week off. -I need a life -I need to END my life. -Backstage, Mick Foley tried to pick up the Cactus Plant that HHH knocked down. He caught a thorn. He said "PRICK!!" -at that moment, Patterson arrived. Mick looked at him and said, "Pat, I was just thinking about'cha!" (SEE... FORESHADOWING!!!!) -why would getting as big prick in a place that has no business getting pricked remind Mick of Pat? Is he from the Desert? I thought he was from Canada? -Oh... maybe it's because Pat has always been a THORN IN MICK'S SIDE!!!!!! (ahh, that makes sense) -Pat begged Mick to end the match tonight between Shane and the Rock. Mick mulled it over... decided no... then banged his gavel on Pat's thumb by accident. Ross laughed harder than the day MLK was killed. -DX came out. The first hour ended. -Road Dogg got on the stic and did his thing, highlighted by calling DX "Y2Gay", then calling him a "Sissy Ass". -oh DAMMIT!! After a successful two weeks of going cold Turkey... I crumbled and once again gave in to a personal Vice that I've been trying to overcome. I bit my fingernails. -Jericho came out without a mic... but WITH a look of caution and grim determination. Meanwhile, my toenails are looking MIIIIGHTY tasty... so is my pecker, quite frankly. -Jericho entered the ring cautiously and determinatiously (???) . Things look bad for our young hero.. -Mick Foley saved the day by coming out and saying that when faced with HHH's bullying and demonstrativ... demo... attitude, he failed to report that while yes, this IS a handicapped match, it's NOT a 2 on 1 affair... no, it's actually a 3 on 2 match -He brought out Jericho's partners... the Acolytes! -Out came Faarooq and Bradshaw. DX tried to nip this in the bud and attack Jericho before they could enter the ring. -The Acolytes hit the ring anyway. The attack was on! -They beat on DX outside, then rolled them both into the ring so Jericho can have a taste. -Impressive Move of the Night! Bradshaw caught X-Pac as he dove off the top rope. While holding onto him, he gave Road Dogg a big Boot to the face. -Faarooq was in. He tried to Powerbomb Road Dogg. Dogg let momentum carry him backwards and he landed on his feet. Faarooq turned around and clotheslined him. He turned around again and X-Pac was there with a Spinning Heel Kick. -Faarooq took a beating. -Faarooq somehow, some way (oy) managed to tag in Jericho who showed us that he was REALLY REALLY ready by shaking both fists ever so slightly. -X-Pac eats a Bulldog. -Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho. Road Dogg stops that. He pays for it by taking a Clothesline that was so fierce it actually knocked the residual traces of Marijuana out of his system, (CALL THE DOCTOR, ROAD DOGG IS READY FOR THAT DRUG TEST NOW!!!) -Jericho goes for the Isiah Thomas Moonsault on X-Pac and got the win. -They quickly cut to HHH... who was wrecking his Dressing Room in protest -X-Pac PUT SOMEONE OVER?????? DID EDDIE'S SLIDING MACHINE EXPLODE AND WE ALL WERE SENT TO ANOTHER DIMENSION OF SOMETHING??? -If that made no sense to you, then that's what you get for not studying every word I say. -The tag team title match was next. Right after these... -commercials -Good news, all "EIS" products are now 20% off at all GNC Stores! Now they only cost $50 a pop. -HHH and Stephanie are seen hopping into a Limousine and taking off. From what I understand, for most of the trip, 4 of Hunter's fingers were unaccounted for. -Hedge and Hristian came out. Preparing to unrealistically keep their titles against Kane and the Undertaker. -The enter the ring. Christian got on the mic and said that Mick Foley, for making them defend their WWF titles against Kane and the UT, has really, "scraped the bowels of suckitude"... -continuing, after telling us that they were from Canada... and even though they don't believe in Independence Day (of course not.. seeing how Canada depends on AMERICA TO DEFEND THEM WHENEVER A BIG BAD COUNTRY THREATENS THEM!!! WANT US TO WIPE YOUR NOSE TOO, YOU LITTLE BABIES?????)... they DO want to wish everyone, including their opponents, Kane and the Undertaker, a very happy Fourth of July!! -Edge took the mic and said that it was camera time, and this week's pose will be an apology to Kane for hitting him over the head with a... OH GOD MINUTE DETAILS ARE DRIVING ME F-ING CRAZY!!!!!! MY CHICK IS PROBABLY GETTING A SALAMI FROM SOMEONE NAMED "PAULO" JAMMED UP HER POOP CHUTE AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!! -They posed with Edge wearing a Kane mask and Christian holding his hand up high. -Kane stomped out. -UT rode out. -The match began with UT plowing right into Edge. He whipped around and threatened the referee, who dropped to the ground and begged for mercy. Throw in some Anal Nitrate and ya might as well call this show "FATHERHOOD: HYATTE STYLE" -Edge tried to mount something, but UT was too damn big. -Geeze, what happened to this guy? -Undertaker with a Big Powerslam. -Christian was tagged in... so was Kane. -Things progressed naturally, until... -UT was about to polish off Christian (this'll teach ya' for basing a religion around a False Prophet!) -Kurt Angle ran in and clipped the UT behind the knee with his scepter. The Ref DQed the Canucks and this match was over. -Which didn't stop Kane from Chokeslamming Edge and UT gave Christian a HUGE powerbomb that Ross dubbed "The Last Ride" (he WOULD have called it the "Last Train to Clarksville"... but no one ever profited from getting Davey Jones angry.) -My friends, I do believe we've seen the last of the Undertaker's walk across the top rope. -My friends, I do believe the Undertaker has seen the last of shampoo. -commercials... just remember, Tobacco is whacko if you're a teen! Thankfully, it's still cool to knock up as many 17 year olds as possible. -We see Press Conference footage announcing that the XFL will be coming to Orlando. I'll be impressed if Vince can get a team in Atlanta. -Tom Veit is at ringside. Tom Veit is the new General Manager of the Orlando XFL team which I suppose will be named at a later date. He sort of looks like Big Pussy from "The Sopranos".... MCMAHON IS MOBBED UP!!!!!! -Mikey Cole informed Kurt Angle that his actions a few minutes ago deeply offended the Undertaker. Angle gave a doubletake, then said, "Undertaker? Aw crud! I thought Vince re-hired Waylon Mercy! What happened to the dead man gimmick??" -Dean Malenko came out with two babes. Dean looked about as comfortable as... as... well, I'm drawing a blank. -We see some "Heat" stuff where Jacqueline took Dean up on his open challenge. I dare you to bitch about how this defiles the Sanctity of the Light Heavyweight Title. -Dean gets on the mic and bitches about how last night defiled the Sanctity of the Light Heavyweight Title (oh for Christ sakes). -SOOoo... Dean once again challenged anyone to come on out and get a taste of REAL wrestling for a change. Let's put the RASSLING back in "World Wrestling Federation" shall we? -Crash Holly stomped out. This is the best they can do? -They get going. -and going they got... until Dean won cleanly by turning an attempted Hurricarana into a Powerbomb, then staying on top of him for the pin. Did I miss the explanation as to why Malenko has babes now? -well OBVIOUSLY... if I don't know WHY he has babes.. I DID miss the explanation... stupid ass. -me, not you. -after the match, Jaqueline and Ivory came out and beat Malenko up. Apparently, nobody is moving Heaven and Earth to get the chick strap off Steph'sfanny. -backstage, Mick Foley was breaking into a rousing version of Kenny Rogers' classic "Lady" (is there a song in HISTORY that melted more legs apart better than "Lady"? Lord Almighty, I do NOT think so) -He was cut off by Gerald Brisco, who also tried to plead Shane's case. No soup. There was some madcap comedy line reading involved. Including that bit where one kept saying "Yes you do" and the other kept saying, "No I don't" until the other said "Yes I do", which made the first one get all confused and say, "No you DON'T"... not a single 5 year old I EVER tried that on fell for it. Lucky for me, they still fell sucker to my Bottom Deck Dealing during Strip Poker. -Kurt Angle had his crown, his scepter and an winning attitude. -commercials... Get it through your heads people... SMOKING KILLS!!!!! (Ever stop to think that maybe that's WHY people smoke? What's so great about life anyway?) -the Coalition to stop smoking sponsored the match where Kurt Angle broke Bob Holly's arm. See, if Holly was a SMOKER... he would have been relaxed and maybe absorbed the blow better! EVER STOP TO THINK OF THAT????? -Kirk Angel comes out with a microphone. I'm sure this will be a Indy Day themed oration. -well, he kicks it off by warning all NBA draftees to stay away from Orlando... because it stinks. -Then he told Hardcore Holly that he originally had no intentions of breaking his arm, but upon further review, he deemed Hardcore deserving of a harsh lesson because Hardcore "disrespected the crown" -Furthermore, Angle told Commissioner Foley that since he was gypped out of title contention (could'a SWORN he was given an automatic title shot at the next PPV after winning the KOTR), Foley had better send someone out there who was a worthy opponent and who would NOT disrespect the crown. -Out comes the BROOKLYN BRAWLER!?!?!? Ross was amazed he was still alive! (was that an AIDS joke?) -Angle fumed over the mic. Foley called THIS guy a worthy opponent? "He hasn't won a match since the Carter Administration!" (HAW... funny!) -Foley came out and agreed that yes, the Brawler was NOT a worthy opponent... but he made a damn fine "partener"!!! Then Mick brought out there opponents. -The Dudley Boys came out. Ross screamed, "Table for two and Kurt can sit at the HEAD of the table!! (was THAT a gay joke?) -for those who aren't informed, da Brooklyn Brawler is a registered homersexual. One would figure that being from Brooklyn was enough of a tell tale sign... but in case you didn't piece it together.. -Ross commented on the "unique dichotomy" between Angle and Brawler (now THAT was a gay joke, right?) -Angle held his own... then tagged in the Brawler. Brawler did what he was supposed to do. Take a beating and sell, sell, sell. -The Brawler fell victim to a Flying Dudley Headbutt into his crotch. Ross screamed that there might be trouble in "the South Bronx" (AHA!!! HOMOPHOBE!!!) -Lawler added that now there won't be any little Brawlers running around -Somehow, The Brawler went to tag Angle. At the last minute, Angle yanked his hand away and brushed back his hair (HA!!! I LOVE DOING THAT TRICK!!) -Angle walked away, having had enough. The Brawler took a 3D, then took a pin. Imagine that. -Later on, the Brawler went through a table. Okay then. -commercials -Godfather + Girls + Test + Trish + Stevie Richards + his new "Censorship Gimmick" + putting Potato bags over the Girls' bodies = Distracting GF enough for Test to win. It ain't Algebra, stupid! -Backstage, Foley told Shane that... that... you know, there IS such a thing as too much Mick. Let's just say Shane was STILL working tonight. Let's also just say that Mick used this segment to look at his balls. -commercials -Lots and lots of various products are bringing us this next portion of RAW. -Backstage, the "new" Steven Richards tells Kevin Kelly that he is taking his new gimmick VERY seriously... or at least until Raven shows up. Then it's back to "Bitch Mode". -Backstage, Al Snow runs into Steve Blackman, who is the new Hardcore Champion. Al tells Steve that since he is the HC champ, it's only fitting that they go their separate ways. Blackman was all for it. In honor of this break up, Al read a poem. As he read said poem, Blackman was attacked by various bottom carders who wanted the Hardcore belt and took full advantage of the 24/7 rule. Blackman took advantage of the Hardcore rule by using his kendo stick on said attackers. Snow read along. I assure you, on the inside, I was laughing my ass off. Deep, deep inside. -Back in Times Square, Terri was at the restaurant and said that she will give head to ANYONE who tries the "Patterson's Creme of Mushroom Soup"... dear Lord, what a conundrum. -I was THIS close to getting away without any Pat jokes... dammit -Shane was getting all set. -commercials -Lawler and Ross push USA's premiere of "Spice World"... I will bet the farm this is USA's way of getting a LITTLE payback. -The Rock tell Michael Kole that Shane will be shown no mercy -Shane McMahon steps out gingerly. -We see the bump he took. We see it MANY times. -The Rock comes out. I'm sure his intro will take longer than the match. -Shane grabs a mic and tells Rocky to hang on a second. Shane tells him that he isn't 100%, so why don't he cut him a break? He offers his hand to Rocky in a symbol of UNITY and offered to form an ALLIANCE!!! -Rocky got off the ropes. Walked over to Shane, and punched him right in the mouth in one non-stop motion. It was a cool move. -This went barely ten seconds... -Then Chris Benoit came out with a chair. He whacked SHANE MCMAHON!!!!! WHAT??? -Then Benoit said, "Sorry, eh?" and whacked Rocky. He slapped the Crossface on Rocky held pulled way back. -Shane picked up the chair and started driving it into Rocky's shoulder. -The WWF Crew ran in. Shane held them back with his chair. Sergeant Slaughter took the worst of it. -Mick Foley ran out (well... "in", really). Benoit dropped the hold and exited the ring. -Benoit and Shane walked up the ramp backwards. Benoit smiled, then sneered. Mick stared at them somberly. -Ross screamed, "HAS SHANE MCMAHON FORMED AN ALLIANCE WITH CHRIS BENOIT???" (gee... ya THINK??) -Ross screamed some more... some religious referencing was involved. -The show ended. This half of the Mop-Up ended. Somehow, the timing is ALWAYS perfect. CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEK'S NITRO RECAP