Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Read the RAW Mop-Up first. 7/6/98 Okay, in all seriousness. We all know that this was the Nitro that Bischoff HAD to make good. The ratings are sinking like a lead fart and TNT can NOT be too happy about it. Bischoff had to put ALL his creative energy into this week....(hohohoho....heheheheheheheheheeeee....snort....titter.......huh...huhhuhuhuh.....BWAHHHAAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA......creative energy.......HAHAHAAAA) Seriously, Dusty Rhodes, Hulk Hogan, Terry Taylor, Kevin Sullivan, and JJ Dillon all had to put their creative energy into this week's show....(Bischoff was busy drawing beards and mustaches on a portrait of Vince McMahon in his office.....while his secretary (named Lance) personally applied "Gray Out" to his gloriously black locks). ALL you WCW fans out there have been drooling at this week's show....many of you consider this their last chance to keep you from watching RAW.....even the most LOYAL WCW fan realizes that their product as of late has been at best BORING and at worst PATHETICALLY OFFENSIVE....(I mean YOU Freddy...admit it). For all of you, I make this promise. I am going to go into tonight's Nitro with a COMPLETELY OPEN HEART. For tonight, I will be watching Nitro as if it was the first show ever. I'll still bust nuts with a fury, but I'll also give it every possible chance to impress me. Let's see what it pulled off....take my hand kids and hold tight....we don't usually get to bear witness to a force that actually BENDS THE COURSE OF TIME, SPACE, MATTER, AND THE MIND FOR ALL ETERNITY AND BRINGS FORTH A NEW UNDERSTANDING OF HEAVEN AND THE UNIVERSE!!!!! WE ARE AT ONE WITH ALL OF CREATION PEOPLE!!!! GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Come on..I had to slip one last hype in there before we began). NITRO (or Stone Goldberg becomes MR. WCW) - opens with JJ Dillon from Thunder, gleefully telling Tony Schiavone that once Eric got a gander at last Nitro's ratings (or lack thereof) he immediately bumped the Goldberg/Hogan match from dark into the light of prime time. - opening theme - (NOTE: From here on out..every single quotation from Tony and the boys that I post here is 100% TRUTH....I did not elaborate one single syllable) - Shot of the Georgia Dome in Atlanta GA.....Good Lord...that's a big crowd. - Tony gets off to a predictable start by kicking off the hype with, "Ladies and Gentlemen......(big ol' pause to help build up the climax)....NITRO is on the air! And YOU are looking live as we come to you...from the PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD...ATLANTA GEORGIA. WHERE OVER 30'000 FANS ARE JAMMED IN THE GEORGIA DOME IN WHAT WILL GO DOWN AS THE BIGGEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS GRAND SPORT!!!!!!" - When did Atlanta become the wrestling capital of the world? Did I miss a meeting? Has DIRTY DUTCH MANTEL been informed? - So, the Nitro Girls stood in the spotlight, in the middle of the ring. They got their cue and began doing something which I'm SURE looked like organized dancing during rehearsal. Note: Kimberly seemed to be huffing a bit towards the end of the........routine? - Not to be outdone by the sight of girls bumping into each other, Tony continued on diligently with, "Yes, this our second trip to the Georgia Dome, but never in the HISTORY of World Championship Wrestling has there EVER been a night like this." Then Tony remembered to introduce himself and his co-horts. - Now Tenay cuts in with this, "Tony as you know, as you can attest, as well as Larry. EVERYWHERE that we went, on this Independence Day holiday. The ENTIRE WRESTLING WORLD, the ENTIRE SPORTS COMMUNITY is talking about this evening's Nitro and that matchup between Hogan and Goldberg!" - Then the camera goes to the Announcer's table...all three are wearing full suits (Tony and Tenay were even wearing tuxedos). I counted three chins on Tony as he went through his own personal Hell trying to keep his collar button from busting open and hurting a fan with a projectile button. - Larry Zbyszko.......LARRY ZBYSZKO..........Larry Zbyszko said something that not only A: Validated EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER SAID ABOUT THESE THREE and B: Made me want to break out in tears of sorrow. He said, and I quoteword for F'K'N' WORD: "Since the dawn of time, and carbon base life form has pulled himself out of that primitive puddle of slime, mankind has become the dominant species on the planet Earth. Goldberg has proven that we have reached the EPITOME OF EVOLUTION and tonight, he gets his chance to win the ULTIMATE, the Heavyweight Championship of the World!" - I kid you not...word for word - sigh - Larry takes his bow (if those people heard him, they would have hurt him MUCH worse than ANY of his ex-wives). - They kept on the Christchild known as Goldberg.....if they walked into our houses, jammed a gun in our face, and screamed, "WORSHIP HIM OR ELSE!!!!!!!"...it would have been more subtle. - So of course, this being the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(a bit early, but you all knew it was coming)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Out came Hogan and Bischoff, just so they could take credit for the high ratings. Liz'beth and Beefcan'twork came out as well. Before they started walking, Hogan planted a kiss on Eric's cheek and proclaimed his undying (until the contract ends, 'natch) love for this....man(?) - They made their way to the ring, I detected a DEEP look of anger on Uncle E's face when he realized that somebody forgot to plant anti-WWF signs along the aisle so he could hold one up. (In their hometown no less!....such incompetence....somebody will be trimming Eric's nosehair as punishment!) - In the ring, Eric grabbed the mic and announced a bonus match at Bash at the Beach...he announced that RODDY PIPER will take on HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN in a 10 FOOT HIGH Steel cage match....then Bischoff amazed me by saying, "We'll show those guys up North how to put on a REAL cage match!!" - Then Hogan talked about whatever he was supposed to do to sell the show tonight. He sold the PPV a bit...declaring all the nasty sort of things that he and "Rodzilla" (Heeeeyyyy, Does that mean the main event match will have no script or real storyline either???) - Then he talked about Goldberg....basically saying that he ain't fighting him until another he goes through another member of the NWO...someone who we haven't "seen for a while"...(Oh Dear Lord.....could this mean?.....Bischoff..you HEARTLESS EVIL MAN!!!!! YOU'RE GONNA STICK BAGWELL IN THE RING AGAINST GOLDBERG??????? BAGWELL CAN'T HARDLY MOVE AND YOU ARE GONNA MAKE HIM WORK TONIGHT??????? YOU SICK,PATHETIC...BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - That was the thrust of the interview, but I wanted to point out something....Check this out: - Hogan invited the fans to chant Goldberg's name.... - nothing....lot of noise, but no GOLDBERG chant - Hogan invited them to do it again.... - nada..just lots of noise - Hogan invited them to do it thrice..... - HERE comes the piped in chant...and trust me, it sounded HORRIBLY OBVIOUS this time around. - The camera even went looking around for someone doing the chant.....but came up empty. - The segment ended with Eric telling someone to "Bite him"...rumor has it, Kimberly had to keep one of the Nitro Ho's from making her way to the ring....apparently, she is trained pretty well. - By the way, Hogan used the word "jabrony" twice during this segment.......why isn't there a law against that? - shot of a guy in the seats dressed as Hulk Hogan....and looking WAAAY too old for that kind of nonsense (but then again, consider the source). - pre-taped crap with a fan outside who compared Hogan in MSG circa '85 with Hogan in the Georgia Dome circa '98.....isn't that the kind of comparisons that WCW has been going for all along? - commercials - Mean Gene talks to a race car driver with his car (Ahhhh...Monday night wrestling....CORPORATE STYLE!!!!!!!!) All I can say about this guy is that when he says the word "wrestling" it sounds EXACTLY LIKE Hunter Hearst Helmsley goofing on the rednecks by saying, "rasslin" - Dean Malenko hits the ring looking like he always looks....bored out of his mind. (I don't give a rat's ass how important tonight is...I'm a WRESTLER DAMMIT...NOT an entertainer). He took on Booker T. In what Tenay described as a mat vs aerial, style vs substance, Aryan vs Homeboy collision of styles. - Tony and the boys couldn't be bothered with the match...they were too busy making sure that we were all well aware of the consequences should we even THINK about flipping tonight. - Oh yes..and to insure that we keep our television bonded to TNT for EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY....Tenay thought that he would tease us by promising a Raven/Horace vs Saturn and Kanyon match on Wednesday's Thunder....(If that match excites you....you REALLY should think about getting laid....PAY for it if you must but PLEASE.....JUST DO IT!!!) - Booker T scored the win after Jericho came out and distracted Malenko. Afterwards, Booker laughed at all the white folks who wanted to "Raise the Roof". - We see one guy in a Coca-Cola tank top start having an epileptic fit right on camera...he was much too old to be faking it. - We see Goldberg doing pushups with chairs...why doesn't he just levitate? - commercials - Karl Malone in a pre-taped thing...busily selling the so far LESS than Imagination-of-the-world-getting PPV. - Kanyon comes out to a new theme song. He was holding up his Mortis mask...for reasons that I can't quite figure. - Raven comes to a new theme song too...(Whoa...who shoved a cattle prod up Jimmy Hart's ass?). This one sounded like your generic 80's hair metal ballad (Every Rose Has A Thorn, 18 to Life). Lodi is out with him, with the name "Chris" painted on his chest (How cool would THAT be if he had "Hyatte" on there too??). As I was trying to read his chest (That's ALL I was doing...I SWEAR!!!)... - Kanyon attacks Raven and it's own....(so..uh...exactly WHAT was the selling point on that tag match at Thunder again?? Oh, right...we get to see HORACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - It takes Tenay right around 43 seconds before he calls Kanyon the "Innovator"......next thing you know, he'll have a chick named Beuhlah come to the ring with him. - Raven superplexed Kanyon into a chair....Saturn came in and dropped everybody...including Kanyon! (Tenay shrieked that Saturn didn't know whom he was dropping.) - This may have been a bit of a big F-YOU to us Internet folk who laugh on a weekly basis at WCW "Extreme" pre-cut tables: - Saturn pulls out a table we can clearly see a line drawn across it...He puts Raven on it...mounts the top rope......BIG Splashes Raven right on the table.... - ...and the friggin' table does NOT break....(F-you Internet....F-ALL OF YOU!) - Oh...my....God....I was right. A Limo pulls up and out comes Marcus Bagwell in a wheelchair, with a neck brace on. He expectedly lost a Hell of a lot of body mass...(Dare I say he looks almost...NORMAL?) They wheel him off to the backstage...where Bischoff will do the unthinkable and PUT HIM IN A MATCH AGAINST GOLDBERG!!!!!! BISCHOFF, YOU SICK, PATHETIC.....BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!! - By the way...if you noticed, Dillenger was following Bags as he was wheeled away...hopefully, you noticed the little smile playing across his lips. You see, Bagwell was considering opening his mouth about the DarkMyghty Dillenger.....he was considering briefing Dustin Runnels on the situation....well he didn't.....Dillenger made sure of that now didn't he? Now Bagwell is paying the price for crossing the AntiSon, especially so close to the Proclamation of the BlackPit. There will be a reckoning children....oh yes, Dillenger will reckon with the heav...... - then again..I said too much already. - commercials - You know...I wouldn't even call the Nitro Girls all that beautiful.....not really....in fact, some of them are real hosebags. - Spot for the Nitro Party Video thingy....reminding folks that if you kiss their asses hard enough, they may reward you by sending Mean Gene (?Reward?), the Nitro Girls, and about 50 bodyguards loaded with mace, blackjacks, brass knucks, and other assorted devices used to educate horny college kids who don't get any. - Tony closed his eyes, sent out his astral form, and commented on all the Nitro Parties that he was witnessing on the Astral Plane. Tony admitted that they are still preparing for "what could go down.....as our BIGGEST NIGHT EVER!!!!!!!!!!" - The whole, long, drawn out, nobody really cared the first time deal from last Nitro with Page, Malone, Hogan, and their exhibition on "How to Make a PPV Main Event Look as Bad as Humanly Possible". - Meano Geno brings out "Diamond" Dallas Page and Karl "The Mailman" Malone. Although I'm sure you can figure out what they said, I want to transcribe for you an exchange they had..... Page: What'choo got to put on Rodman? Malone: Rodzilla, I'm gonna whip you like Madonna shoulda whipped.... Page: WHOOOOAAAHHAHAHAHA Okerlund: Whoa...hold on...wait a....(Then Page forcefully lifts Okerlund's arm so that the mic is in Malone's face) Malone: No, I'm serious. I'm gonna knock the paint right outta yo' hair boy! Page: Sounds like you're gonna be....a KILLA..come Bash at the Beach? Malone: NO........a RODZILLA KILLA! Page: So come Bash at the Beach! Rodzilla, Hogan...get ready...to feel the........ (Audience screams "BANG") Okerlund: BANG You got her!! - So......just exactly WHO wants to take credit for THAT script? Sullivan? Dusty? How 'bout you Taylor? I see you back there! Trying to hide behind the Giant. - commercials - Mongo in a interview thingy where he talked about "tradition", "honor", "spirit". Either he is really a Klingon or he's talking about the Horsemen. Just one question....WHO THE HELL WAS HE POINTING AT??????? - Uh, oh...RAW is about to weigh in with it's PITIABLE ATTEMPT TO HALT THE SWEEPING CHANGES IN THE UNIVERSAL SPECTRUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what do they do to stop it?? - Scott Putski vs Scott Riggs (??????).....in a battle to find out exactly WHO GETS THE RIGHT TO BE THE ONLY JOBBER IN WCW NAMED SCOTT!!!!!!!!!! - Seriously, the loser must change his name to "Melvin". - Covering all sorts of bases in order to keep his name...Putski is sporting a HUGE cross on his chest. It's quite obvious that HE is a devoted follower of Goldberg. - Now..do you REALLY need to know what happened here? I didn't think so. All you need to know is that Putski is currently banging Missy Hyatt...and you're not. - You DO need to know that Tony kicked the match off by saying, "THIS NIGHT! Where we sit in anticipation of the BIGGEST NIGHT EVER!!!!!!!!!! Goldberg and Hogan" - by the way, look for Melvin Riggs to be on Nitro next week...in case the suspense was killing you. - shot of Goldberg....apparently, he forgot his locker room key at the Hotel..so he was trying to headbut his way in to get his shot of Horse Piddle. - commercials - video thing of Goldberg beating someone for win #1 - The second hour arrives...strangely, I don't feel any different...yet. - We see NWO White surround a limo that was pulling up. Next thing we know, they are surrounding SCOTT HALL and applauding him. Notice that Bischoff was trying to get close to his mouth to smell his breath. Hall told Golderg that it was time to go to school. (Oh Thank GOD!!! Bagwell isn't being forced to roll into the ring against Goldberg.....but that doesn't mean that Bischoff hasn't STOPPED being a SICK, PATHETIC......BASTARD!!!!!) - Chris Jericho came to the ring and picked up a mic. Just because I seem to be on a transcribing roll tonight (all for you people..ALL FOR YOU!!!!!), let's keep it going: "Welcome to Monday Night Jericho! I am the Host with the M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Most! I, well you know who I am...and tonight, tonight, I gotta face the Ultimo Dragon, but you know what Dragon...you never beat me, you're not the number one contender. At Bash at the Beach, I gotta face Dean Malenko but Dean...I mean enough's enough, You're not the number one contender. The number one contender is the HOT, FEISTY, SASSY YOUNG LATINO, Rey Mysterio Jr, who beat me last week, He's the number one contender, and HE'LL be the one I'm facing at Bash at the Beach. I mean, it's only fair!" At this point, JJ Dillon comes into the ring Jericho: "What is you're problem JO JO? (God I love that name) Why do you constantly come and interrupt me? Get a life...MAAAAAN!" - Dillon came out and said that Jericho's hijinks at Thunder doesn't sit pretty with the fictional WCW Executive Board...(If you REALLY think that there is a board of suits sitting around and discussing this crap.......oh, wait a second....there very well could be...how would I know? Best keep my mouth shut). - Then Malenko ran out....JJ told him to step off. - JJ then said that if these two clowns can't keep his hands off each other, then the BAB dealie will be all sorts of done. - Jesus Crow.....SOMEBODY ran out of ideas over there...because this was the EXACT SAME ANGLE THAT THEY USED FOR NASH AND THE GIANT BARELY 6 MONTHS AGO!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!! - Jericho taunted Malenko by saying that his mother wears "Combat boots", and that he is a "worthless jobber", and "his Dad would want to shake his hand, too bad he's dead." - JJ tried to talk Malenko down as Jericho taunted his ass some more. Jericho sealed the deal by throwing one last shot about how Malenko and his brother look absolutely NOTHING alike...(meaning that his Papa kicked up some ho's on the road) - Malenko attacked, WCW officials charged...even the all powerful Dillenger's evil presence couldn't hold him back...this crap continued right into some..... - commercials - The Ultimo Dragon came to the ring to fight Jericho....rather anticlimactic after what just happened..after all...who gives a rat's ass about the Dragon??? - Malenko charged again...followed by WCW Security...he even managed to yank a chunk of Jericho's hair out...it's deja vu all over again as we head to some more... - commercials - We see Malenko being pinned against the ring and being handcuffed and sent o the pokey...as he was led away, we hear him scream, "I'M A WRESTLER NOT A DAMN ENTERTAINER!!! I'M A WRESTLERRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr" - Bobby Heenan joins the fun..and the hype by claiming that there are "millions and millions of people out there hoping that Goldberg walks away tonight as champion". - So, you think BISCHOFF created Goldberg???? I say BULLSH&%!!! Bischoff is INCAPABLE of creating Goldberg....want prove? Here you go... - The latest creation from the mind of Uncle Eric, JOHNNY SWINGER hits the ring...he grabs the mic and called himself the "hottest young commodity in wrestling today"........give me strength. - The good news is that he was fighting Chavo Guerrero...complete with a hard hat and a pair of scissors (whaa? why?) - Tony declares that tonight's attendance is 39'919 people in attendance. First time they have EVER done that...wonder why. - After every take down, Swinger looked at Chavo and screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM????" - Tony snuck in a quick reminder that this was the BIGGEST NITRO EVER!!!! - Chavo won just as Tony was about to say that this Swinger was a good challenge for Chavo and could get an upset....good job Tony. - Then Chavo grabbed the mic and announced that he was going to give Swinger a little haircut...which he did. - Then he took the mic and challenged Eddie to a hair vs hair match at the BAB.....bloody well why not.. I haven't seen that since WM 3 - shot of Goldberg's 25 win..against Glacier....GLACIER???? So in one week Goldberg won 81 MATCHES?????? HE REALLY IS THE NEW MESSIAH ISN'T HE???????? - commercials - shot of Goldberg warming up even more - Disco Fever hits the ring... - Alex Wright hits the ring... - Tokyo Magnum hits the ring... - They all dance, dance, dance - Then Public Enemy came out and set up them tables....Heenan and Tony ponder the historic ramifications of tonight's show. - ooops...excuse me...Heenan and Tony ponder the HISTORIC RAMIFICATIONS OF TONIGHT'S SHOW!!!!!!! - much better. - Even though the 3 hour Nitro has YET to go past the third hour...Tony must have seen the ratings for an unopposed RAW and PROCLAIMED that Nitro's POLICY OF STAYING ON THE AIR FOR NO MATTER HOW LONG UNTIL THERE IS A WINNER!!! is still in FULL effect. (I don't care....if this thing goes ONE INSTANT past 11:00...I am switching channels....3 hours of WCW...no matter how OMNIPOTENT IT IS...is MORE than enough for me.) - In the end, Tokyo Magnum ended up double stacked against the tables (Oh these were DEFINITELY pre-cut..I assure you) and was pasted...it kind of bugs me that die hard WCWers who would never soil their hands on the WWF watched that spot and said, "THAT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!") - Public Enemy won after the Dancing Boys came out with cookie trays and whacked them around with them. - Mean Gene talked to Buff Bagwell for a bit of heart warming, soul stirring, inspirational ratings grabbing, conversation. Bagwell thanked everyone for their cards, and said that he didn't have anything against Scott Steiner, but there was NO WAY he was going on the "NWO Late Hour". Then he called out Goldberg so that he could lay his magic hands on him a heal him......but Goldberg wouldn't come...so he called out again.....still nothing. - Then Bagwell's MOTHER pleaded with Goldberg to come out and heal her son.... - nothing - THIS IS YOUR HERO???? THIS IS THE MAN YOU WORSHIP????????????? - I guess Goldberg doesn't heal the NWO.... - Bagwell reminded us that he was still Buff..and he was still the stuff. - Goldberg's 50th win is shown. - commercials Chris Hyatte
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