Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Oh Thank God it's almost over! (Cont'd) 7/6/98
- Third hour arrives.....Lord, I am ready for the Promise Land, with love in my heart and my pecker in my hand!
- More Goldberg hype that I am too sick of to post here.
- Scott Hall comes to the ring....he looks a bit loaded to be perfectly honest...and he's sporting some grey sides.
- Tony claims to hear some Goldberg chants already...I couldn't hear anything.
- Goldberg's music plays...HERE come the piped in chants...(notice that 39'919 people sound EXACTLY THE SAME as the 16-18 thousand people that usually fill up Nitro? No increase in volume at all)
- Oh Thank God for Heenan..he said, "Let's just shut up and listen"
- Along the way to the ring, Goldberg encounters a man in a wheelchair with a neck brace. He gently lays his hands on the man's legs and neck..suddenly, their man LEAPS out of his chair, RIPS off the neck brace...and starts jumping and crying in praise of the glorious Jewish wrestler....meanwhile, Buff's mother breaks out in tears....
- Y'know...I'm not saying that he isn't popular...he is VERY popular....he just isn't the single greatest entity this sport has ever had the pleasure of seeing.
- Give Hall some credit....he had fun playing with the big Man...pushing him, laughing at him.
- Goldberg shoves him down...Hall ain't laughing
- Hall locks his arm and slaps his head a bit...Goldberg pulls off a HORRIBLE clothesline...but that be because Hall still seemed bombed.
- Hall tried to bodyslam him...he fails
- Goldberg does the same...he scores.
- Hall spits on Goldberg...it doesn't work
- Hall has some control..which lasts for a bit..
- Goldberg armdrags Hall a few times.
- Halls calls out for some help.....here comes Beefdouche and Vincent (That's what you would call help??)
- Here comes Malone and Page..to chair them out of the picture..
- Speaking of pictures..you got this one right?...Hall becomes a Jobber and lays down for Goldberg....Hall was seen running out of the building, to the nearest bar and drinking his way out of his contract.
- I WILL say...Goldberg really doesn't need the canned heat...the crowd were on their TIPPY TOES for this guy.
- commercials
- A few of the Nitro Girls hang around the announcer booth...I guess the rest of them were UNDER the console....(ooof...Bet'cha Tony is sweating HUGE down there)
- Tony claims that the fan's were chanting, "HOGAN'S NEXT" during the break....I don't believe that for ONE second.
- As Tony was neatly blending in the fact that this HISTORIC NITRO is paving the way for the EQUALLY HISTORIC PAY PER VIEW which will CERTAINLY go down as the GREATEST PPV OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!! (How come nobody mentions Thunder anymore? Is it still on the air? Maybe I should start recapping it? Just to see what kind of fun I could have with it?).....
- Juventud Guerrera comes to the ring to take on Psicosis. This match included an INCREDIBLE move where Psychosis catapulted Guerrera WAAAY over the top rope.
- Guerrera won a tough match, then the Flock attacked to make it tougher....nobody really knows why...and I doubt few really cares either.
- Goldberg's 75th win...geeze, by now did ANYONE think Hogan was going to win? These people have NO CLUE how to build suspense.
- commercials
- Tony pushes a Pay Per Listen Internet Event happening on Friday from Los Angeles...listen, do I REALLY need to tell you what a LOSER you are if you're looking forward to spending a Friday night sitting in front of your computer and LISTENING to a wrestling event?
- BAB spot.
- Oh nonononononono....
- WHAT IS JIM DUGGAN DOING ON THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- RAW WINS, RAW WINS, RAW WINS!!!!!!!!
- Seriously, I guess he had to show up in order to cell his TEN FOOT HIGH CAGE match against Beefcake at BAB...where Bischoff promised that we would "see what a REAL cage match should be like!"
- Duggan took on the Giant...it was over in less time than it takes to tell.
- That's a lie actually.........for some UnGodly reason, Duggan actually stayed in there a bit.
- After the match, the Giant called Kevin Greene "pathetic"...then challenged Greene to make the BAB thing a one on one fiasco that it promises to be....(any doubt NOW as to who the winner is gonna be tonight?)
- Greene came out and spit on the Giant...then he ended up clotheslining the Giant out of the ring....zero response from the fans.
- Malone once again declared himself a "Rodzilla Killa"
- "Diamond" Dallas Page took on Jim Neidhart....take a wild guess
- commercials
- Goldberg 100th win
- okay, so let's cut through this. The Wolfpac comes out. Nash says a quick Hello, as does Konan. Then Luger and Sting fought Kidman ind Sick Boy. It took them about 10 seconds to lose. Then the Wolfpac congratulated the victors and Luger playfully tapped his wrist at Nash to brag about the speed of this match. TWO things to note here: 1: Luger has never looked happier 2: Sting has never looked more miserable..(Wait a second Eric...you mean I had to pick my ass in the rafters for 18 MONTHS only to have this Goldberg IDIOT take ALL MY HEAT??????????? AS WELL AS MY TITLE??????????????)
- commercials
- The music plays. The announcers drop trough and poise their hands at the ready...I could give you all the crap that they hyped upon our dumb asses, but I won't...too damn sick of it...besides..by now you can safely guess away.
- Dillenger leads Goldberg to the entrance way...which answers just about ANY question regarding his remarkable rise to the top...and his healing power (GOLDBERG IS THE DEVIL INCARNATE PEOPLE!!!!! WITH HIM, DILLENGER WILL RISE TO THE BLOODY CHASM AND CAST OUR GOOD SOULS INTO THE EDGE OF UNHOLY INFINITY!!!!!! IS THIS YOU'RE HERO??? HIM??????)
- Goldberg makes his way to the ring. Along the way, he sees an old man who clearly is senile.....Goldberg lays a gentle hand upon the old man's brow....suddenly, the Old man looks up at Goldberg, then looks around him with a smile..."I CAN THINK AGAIN!!" He cried..."Oh THANK YOU GOLDBERG!!! I can think clearly again!!!!!" Then the old guy looks around some more and says, "What the hell am I doing at a wrestling show? This is all fake!!!!!"
- note...no Michael Buffer....imagine that.
- commercials
- Out comes Hogan....all alone. Along the way to the ring, he sees the old man who was just cured of his senility, laid HIS hands on the guy's head.....suddenly, the Old Man's eyes fogged up, he took off his pants, and run up and down the aisle screaming, "I AM THE KING OF ENGLAND!!!!!"
- They fight. Goldberg owns a bit, Hogan owns a bit.
- Hogan takes off his belt, whips Goldberg around, then yells at the crowd.
- Goldberg grabs the strap away, throws it out of the ring and says "Come on"
- Hogan gets him outside and chairs him three times.
- Hogan gets him in the ring and drops three legs on him.
- Curt Hennig heads to the ring, Malone catches him and drops him with a respectable Diamond Cutter.
- Goldberg kicks out of Hogan's pin attempt...Hogan looks at Malone angrily.
- Goldberg spears Hogan
- Goldberg lifts Hogan up...Why doesn't Heenan just run to the ring an gobble him?
- The Jackhammer.....Goldberg wins the belt.
- The fans were going NUTS...and yet they STILL had to pipe in those GOLDBERG chants.
- Goldberg takes his two belts....walks to one corner...mounts the second rope, and holds up his arms....
- Goldberg walks to the opposite corner and repeats the move....sound familiar?
- Tony tells us unwashed retards who wouldn't know a good show if it crawled up our pants and bit us on the crank that we have just witnessed one for the ages. A spectacle unlike anything anyone has ever seen before. Then he told us to bow our heads in prayer for our "hero" (Damn..JUST as we were about to make a clean getaway...he boldly claims that Goldberg is my hero), Were I not exhausted, I would bitch.
I'm tempted to give it to RAW. Wanna know why? Easy, because NEVER in the HISTORY of this sport has someone been SO FORCEFULLY JAMMED DOWN OUR THROATS like this Goldberg has. NOBODY!
But I won't give it to RAW...Nitro wins..why, because I think that this was a ratings gimmick..and not much else. Just like when Kane beat Austin at the KOTR, I see a very near future where Hogan gets the belt back from Goldberg and things get back to normal. Of course, a big reason why I DON'T DO PREDICTIONS is because I am usually wrong. So I'm going to take a wait and see approach here. But I'll tell you, if even HALF the TV audience is as sick of the announcers pushing this guy as I am.....this Goldberg thing won't be lasting as long as everyone thinks.
By the way, Nitro was a pretty gosh darn good show. Not the end all be all it was supposed to be, but a fine show indeed. Closer time, then go somewhere and chant MY name.
Are you a man? Am I a man? Is Goldberg a man? Is Austin a man? What about Vince? What about Bischoff? Ahh, but what about Patterson? Interesting huh? Well, in order to clear up some of the questions about manhood, especially from you teenagers out there just reaching puberty, I thought I'd slap together a rough outline of what a man should be...what a REAL men should be. Heat up those printers ladies...because I'm about to clue you in as to which way your man is blowin' A little ditty I like to call:
GUY TALK
- Real men hate weddings
- Real men will NOT go to the store to buy tampons, maxi-pads, or anything else of the female persuasion.
- Real men LAUGH at those losers who are totally P-Whipped. Trust me, we laugh our ASSES off at you.
- Real men know that the more he drinks, the prettier she gets.
- Real men will talk on the phone with a chick for hours...but chances are he is doing other things, only occasionally picking up the phone to say, "Yeah? Yeah? Really?", then going back to play Sony Playstation...while you chicks yap away at the minutia of your tedious lives.
- Real men really don't care about anything other than themselves.
- Real men do NOT cook..unless they are planning to get some action later that night.
- Real men would LOVE to see their woman make it with another woman...so long as she doesn't look like Roy Orbison.
- Real men do NOT have girly names like Bret, Shawn, Terry, Tracy, Kim, or especially Toby
- Real men LOVE to scratch their 'nads...for hours if necessary. Understand, it's NOT a sexual thing....but laying the SCRATCH down on itchy nutz is one of the GREAT pleasures in LIFE.
- Real men don't have to know EVERYTHING about cars..but they should know where all the major fluids go.
- Real men have a little sumptin' sumptin' on the side.
- Real men prefer dogs to cats.
- Real men prefer dogs to women sometimes
- Real men are allowed to see a "chick" movie...so long as she understands that she WILL be watching "Armageddon" a week later.
- Real men ALWAYS add an hour whenever she asks when he'll be back...that way, A: He can be late and B: If he comes home on time (but early for her) He can say that he missed her so much that he HAD to get home. Thus, you get a little action that night (Y'see? Try it! I know what I'm talking about!!)
- Can a gay man be a REAL man? It depends. You pretty much can tell the flamers apart...and they usually have no desire to play "real". But if it's two normal looking guys..then you have to decide by way of the old "Pitcher or Catcher" debate. Still, if you are a gay man who likes "flamboyant" guys....(limp wrist, loves to shop and gossip), but is a pretty normal looking man, then the same rules apply for you as it does for us.
- Real men spend no more than ten minutes on their hair.
- Real men cry during the Spock death scene in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan"
- Real men are allowed to cry during Titanic...if you really need to....(it got me, dammit).
- I'll do more on crying some other time.
- Real men like THEIR kids...nobody else's and especially not around their house.
- Real men do NOT hit women......unless the REALLY, REALLY, REALLY deserve it...(cheating on you, killing your dog, burning your porn tapes, gaining weight, opening their yap).
- Real men HATE women who cannot seem to have an intelligent conversation...(only for serious daters...one night stands can be as dumb as tree stumps)
- Real men sympathize with women ONLY because they think it's help them get into your pants.
- Real men HATE women who think EVERYTHING that ever happens to them is by far the MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE THAT ANY LIVING CREATURE HAS EVER GONE THROUGH! You know the type. These girls who has hard SUCH a miserably hard life...apparently devoid of ANY happiness, yet they survived through it all. Meanwhile, you had worse stuff happen to you on the way to the shower this morning.
- If the woman suspects her guy is cheating...chances are, they are. Why? Because Real men think they are TOO slick to get caught.
- Real men need affection every so often. They need to feel wanted.
- Real men read this column.
- Real men used to get raging chubbies in the middle of Middle school/High school classes for NO REAL REASON!! We are not really thinking of sex..we could be thinking of our grandmothers...then POW...bonertime.
- Real men would rather swallow Bleach then listen to Mariah Carey, Top 40 radio, or any chick flick soundtrack...as well as Madonna.
- Real men want ALL of you to get breast implants.
- Finally, Real men don't read anything....except for the local paper, TV Guide, Entertainment Weekly, Sports Illustrated, and JLA.
That's it. If you read any of that and said, "Damn, Hyatte's onto something! Hyatte knows his sh^%!" Then you are a REAL MAN. If you said, "Oh, this guys has NO CLUE....then I'm sorry, but you are a PUTZ!!!!!!!!!
I'm going away now. Next week, I'll be back. How's that for a colorful goodbye?
This is Hyatte
Chris Hyatte
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