Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Alright, let's get this thing going. 7/6/98 "Could you put this E-Mail at the top of your column even though it really has no meaning to it?" DrYuya@aol.com: Mop-Up reader and a Simple man with Simple dreams. Yowza, Yowza, Yowza! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. You'll figure out the rest as we go. Hopefully, you are all now going through the orgasmic joy of togetherness and being ONE with the Universe now that we have successfully went through the primordial baptism that was Monday Nitro at the Georgia Dome....but we'll get into that much later. First, we got us some opening notes...and lots of them: First of all, I want to thank everyone who inquired about the PPV Summer recap job that SCOOPS had available. Unfortunately, I had to disappoint many of you. Ultimately, the gig went to SCOOPS very own Jay Kirell for the WWF and WCW gig. It made sense to keep the job "in house" so to speak. Besides, Jay has a great style and produces some real top notch quality stuff every week...AND the punk is only 19.....jerkoff. As far as the ECW PPV's go....I have about 4 people in the running. The things about the ECW PPV recap job is that it is a PERMANENT POSITION!!! I hate recapping ECW, because there is always so much going on. What I wanted was a die hard ECW fan who knew the company and watched the shows religiously. I have a month or so to make a final choice, so if you want to be the ECW PPV main man here at SCOOPS, send me a sample submission and we'll take it from there. Remember the anniversary edition two weeks ago? Good, because I have to add one more name to the list of those I thanked. You see, Al doesn't run SCOOPS all by himself. He has a man behind the scenes. This guy handles all the postings and all the problems. His name is Remy..and he is the guy who puts up with all my crap. The thing about Remy is, I am CONVINCED that he thinks I am on drugs. I am positive that every single week, he reads what I write with his jaw hanging to the ground, all the while, shaking his head in disbelief....and occasionally rubbing his hands over his eyes in shock that Al let's me hang around. One day I'll ask Al to send me all the e-mails Remy sends to him asking just who the Hell I am, what planet am I from, do I seek counseling, and where do I live so he can keep his daughter as far away from me as possible. Remy reads my stuff and weeps for the future. Weep on Space Cowboy! Weep on! That's it for opening notes. Now it's time to give thanks. Bow your heads people and pray to the new Messiah. No sense in putting it off....no sense in arguing. The Rapture came and went. The Trumpets blared from the Heavens above and called down to ALL the souls who served His work and brought them to Nirvana. The rest of us must now bow....I say, the rest of us must BOW before the almighty Bischoff...and his right hand DemonLord Dillenger (Did'ja think I was kidding? DID'JA THINK I WAS ONLY "GOOFING" WHEN I EXPOSED DILLENGER AS THE ANTICHRIST??????????). The DAWN of the NEW REALM is upon us!!!!! And it started this past Monday, at approximately 8:00 est. The Life Affirming, Soul Rendering, Apocalypse Engineering GREATEST NITRO IN THE HISTORY OF THE MULTIVERSE AND THE SINGLE MOST GODLY MOMENT THAT US PUNY MORTAL CHATTEL WERE ALLOWED TO BEAR WITNESS TO finally came on the air. Let us see of what havoc it wrought in it's Universal wake... BUT FIRST (hee hee heee). Since this is definitely a very important Nitro, I thought it would be best to save it for second. Instead, let us prepare our inner beings for their Evolution by seeing what laughably puny attempt the WWF sent to combat the Harvest. It's funny, really. How DARE they try to keep us away from the Second Big Bang. How DARE they try to put up a defense against the Galactic Juggernaut that re-arranged EVERYTHING in it's path. HOW DARE THEY TRY TO SHIELD OUR EYES FROM THE ALL ENCOMPASSING GLORY THAT PERMEATED ALL THROUGH REALITY AND SHINED IT'S CLEANSING LIGHT UPON ALL WHO WOULD WELCOME IT!!!!!!! Are you still with me? Are you sitting there thinking "Damn, how much crack has this dude been smoking?" (Remy may very well be loading up his gun right now). Okay as I said, we can all hold hands and bask in the grandeur later for now, and because Nitro is JUST THAT DAMN IMPORTANT...let's get the bong bubbling by seeing just what Vince had the balls to put on against the Spectacle. It's a laugh a minute display of utter pointlessness otherwise known as: RAW IS WAR (or Hello?? Hellllooooooo? Anyone there??? We DO have a show you know!!!!!!!) - opens a recap of last week's show dealing with that angle.....you know which one I'm talking about. - opening theme - Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler (Oh Thank God) welcome us to State College PA....(what a generic name for a college! It's like naming a town "Smalltown") - Wasting no time, out comes Vincent K ..........wait a second... - That's not Vince!! That's the Undertaker!!! How DARE they try something different!!!! YOU SONS A BITCHES!!!! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WE NEED EVERYTHING TO BE EXACTLY THE SAME WEEK AFTER WEEK AFTER WEEK AFTER WEEK AFTER WEEK AFTER WEEK!!!!! HOW DO YOU THINK NITRO LASTED THIS LONG??? - ooops...better not goof on Nitro......lest I be rejected for the all Holy Enlightenment that's going on right now - So, out comes the UT...he hits the ring and immediately calls out "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. It seems he's itch'n for a title shot...and he's all set to get a'scratch'n. - For NO OTHER reason other than they have no clue how to justify his paycheck...we see Michael Kole waste precious time in looking for Austin backstage. It went something like this: He peeked into Door #1......was heard to say, "No, it's not crooked Mr. McMahon!", then shut it. Door #2......was heard to say, "OOOpsie...sorry Mr. Patterson, sorry Mr. Michinoku.....no, no Mr. Patterson...don't get up. Door #3.....I heard him say, "Oh Lord Venis, I didn't need to see that! I just lost the first hour announcing gig! Thanks a bushel. Door #4....nobody was there (fresh out of ideas this early? Nice going Hyatte). - Austin came out before he could open door #5. Kole gave a noble attempt to ask some HARD HITTING QUESTIONS!!!...but Austin brushed him off by saying, "I ain't time to talk to you boy! Didn't you know that Goldberg is wrestling twice tonight! I gotta get my ass out there to remind people just who is the real deal and who's the rip-off" - It took a bit, but Austin came out...and was more than ready to get it on right there and then....for the belt of course..they were about to jam when... - we hear someone scream, "Wait, wait, wait, wait!! Wait just a minute!! Wait just a minute!!! WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE!!!!! - Out comes Vincent K. (My Toupee is made from Bruno's back hair...THAT'S why he's pissed at me) McMahon. Vince reminded the two that Goldberg/Hogan is slated for MUCH later that night......so there really isn't a point of jamming now...ESPECIALLY during the Scotty Riggs/Scotty Putski match for Chrissakes! Vince then gave up the main event for the next IYH extravaganza. The Vince said that he would be back later to announce the Numero Uno Contendo for Austin's strap. - Finally, Vince saluted Austin for winning the WWF strap for the second time by chucking him the finger (Miles better than "Bite Me"). The censors allowed us to see it for a moment, before scrambling it out. - That incensed Austin, who took off after Vince..all the while yelling, "MY GOD!!!! HE RIPS OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!" - Ross 'n' Lawler hype up some shenanigans that DX have cooked up for tonight. - So....this is Brakkus huh? That BIG ass German dude who had his ass promoted for several weeks last year..only to never show up.....or maybe he did, and bombed harder than Bischoff's NWO Late Hour?.... hit the ring with boxing gloves on. Looks like we'll be seeing another go-round of the poop break known as the BRAWL for AL!!!!!!! (Why the Hell is it for Al? Is Al alright? Hey Boss!! Are you okay???? WHY THE HELL AREN'T I NOTIFIED ABOUT THESE THINGS???????) - He took on Savio Vega. It went 3 rounds. After learning that he won't be taking down the big guy anytime soon, Savio spent all the rounds PASTING Brakkus all over the place. Plenty of stiff shots, plenty of blood. - Vega won...pretty impressive up against a tank like Herr Brakkus. - commercials - Ken Shamrock triumphantly stomps to the ring (Must of just beaten Severn in a game of "Chutes and Ladders") to take on.... - JEdoubleF JAdoubleR.........oh maybe not....I get douchechills whenever I try that. - Anywhoo...Shamrock is fighting Jarrett...you can live a long, healthy life without the blow by blows....(Now THERE'S an opening for a Patterson joke if I EVER saw one!) - I don't know why....but I find myself rooting for Jarrett! I said it once, I'll say it again....Jarrett can be a PERFECT mid card heel if they market him right. - We see the "Edge"..watching things deep in the nosebleeds (I SWEAR...if this clown comes on with a big Vulture on his arm one night, I am QUITTING the Mop-Up, get a penial implant, and becoming a Porn Star!!....... - Y'know.....that's not a bad idea! F-It...F-these shows....F-this column...F-All of you! I'm OUTTA here....next time you'll see me, I'll be elbow deep into Jenna Jameson...GOODBYE YOU DUMB MARKS!!! I'M OFF TO THE LAND OF SILCONE AND HEROIN ADDICTIONS!!!!!!!!! I already know my stage name...the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!! - uhhh, I just checked my bank account......looks like I won't be going anywhere until someone in my family dies and leaves me a bundle....so...ahhh......what's up? Where were we again? - Oh, that's right. The match was the match....rather longish by RAW standards. All of the sudden... - This BIG FAT guy comes out of nowhere (quite a trick..considering his girth) and drops Shamrock.....Good Lord!!!! - IT'S YOKOZUNA!!!!!!!! YOKOZUNA IS BACK!!!!!!!!! AND BOY IS HE PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Geeze....Yoko has been spending some SERIOUS time in the Tanning Beds! - Oh..wait a second..it's King Mabel!! (suddenly, I find myself missing the NWO Late Hour). Mabel splashes Shamrock for.....revenge (???) about Shamrock winning the KOTR. - The heels left, the refs came out in force...Shamrock held his ribs, then screamed...thus he "snapped" again. - Sorry about calling you "dumb marks"...I don't know what came over me.....ooops, bad choice of words. - commercials Chris Hyatte
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