Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Alright, let's keep this thing going.(Cont'd) 7/6/98 - Michael Kole talks to Ken Shamrock.....Mabel (What a faggy name for a man..not that I'd say it to his face or anything), is in for a pimpslappin'. - Vader and Bradshaw have quite a decent slugfest...but alas, since Vader is still a fat piece of sh*&, they fell victim to the almighty screwjob as Kane and Mankind came out and cleaned house respectively....for no real reason other than Vince didn't want a clean finish.......prick. - commercials - Paul Ellering led his new Disciples of Apocalypse to the ring to take on the Headbangers. Ellering joined the announcing team for a bit and delivered HORRIBLY BAD speech about why he left the LOD for balder pastures. I totally zoned out during his oration....(Suddenly...and God Forgive me...I miss that DAMN PUPPET!!!!!!!!!) - Jimbo commented that under Ellering's guidance, the DOA ARE more FIERCER, DANGEROUS, AND FEROCIOUS THAN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't see any noticeable difference my own self..but I ain't the professional that Ross is. - D-Lo hits the ring with Kama at his side. Apparently, that chest protecter that he pasted Severn with is now a part of his permanent arsenal...because he was using it for his match with Terry Funk... - God Bless Terry Funk....even though he certainly does NOT have to do it, he gave us all a show by performing a second rope Springboard Moonsault on D-Lo from the outside....then he even REPEATED the move only now from the TOP rope and IN the ring on D-Lo's back..... - Again, God Bless Terry Funk! The sumbitch put the young kid over by getting pinned after: A: Kama hit him with his gold chain, and B: D-Lo went for the "Lowdown" (Frogsplash...only Black instead of Mexican). Then the Undertaker ran in and chokeslammed Kama, then he chokeslammed D-Lo (As the UT held him up, Ross made me do a solid SPITTAKE by screaming, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY, D-LO???) - Then Funk got back up and thanked the UT for the assist....all seemed right in the world.... - Until the Undertaker chokeslammed Funk out of his shoes....Ross and Lawler acted all sorts of surprised...(If you didn't see that coming from about 10 miles away and in the fog..then I hereby BAN you from watching ANY AND ALL wrestling on the grounds that you are MUCH TOO STUPID!!!! You have ten seconds to leave this site, and throw out all your PWI's) - Actually....ALL of you should throw out your PWI's.....I outgrew those rags when I was about 13...right around the time I read a story about a PWI reporter following Nikita Koloff to a "Top Secret" Meeting with the KGB Officials in the Kremlin. - commercials - RAW IS WAR becomes RAW IS WAR.......(they gave up on the Warzone I guess) - Who should hit the ring but Vincent K. (I keep my emergency condoms under my rug...in case Patterson shows up with some "homeboys" again) McMahon. In what was a damn near excruciating form of time filler, Vince was ready to announce the #1 contender to the belt was...first he brought out Mankind... - Out came Mankind....with his left arm held close to him...still visibly hurt. Ross FINALLY talked about Mankind's performance at the Hell in the Cell. - Then Vince called out Kane. - " " " " " " " " the Undertaker - Then Vince talked about which one of these guys should get the shot.....first to Mankind, which he said, "Mick....with what you did...at Hell in the Cell....risking life.....for limb. I want you to know that I feel.........your pain. I feel......your hurt. And I want to thank you publicly for everything you've done for the World Wrestling Federation" - I transcribe that only to show that even though Vince was playing Mr. Evil....there is not a DOUBT IN MY MIND that his thank you to Foley was the most sincere thing he has ever said on TV. - Then he talked to Kane....and called him the STUPIDEST man he has ever seen in his life for giving Austin a title shot last week. Then Vince said, "But that's alright! We forgive a lot of people for a lot of things around here!" (Your Honor, the Prosecution offers Exhibit A: Mr. Pat Patterson). - To the Undertaker, he growled out, "And YOU! You EVIL, DIABOLICAL, excuse for a human being!!" The talked about all the bad stuff UT has done in the recent past. - In a nutshell, Vince decided that the three of them would be fighting in a Triple Threat Match...Jim Ross spilled his box of popcorn at the announcement...then the lights dimmed out for a moment, which took us to a set of.. - commercials - Brawl for All....Hawk vs Puke....'nuff said - Did I mention that Hawk landed one stiff shot in the first round? Well now I did. - Did I mention that they both landed two stiff shots in the second round? Well now I did. - Did I mention that Hawk was breathing so heavy that he accidentally spit out his mouthpiece twice? Well now I did. - Did I mention that I like to prance around buck naked outside in the middle of the night and sing the entire score of "Guys and Dolls"? Well now I did. - Did I mention that Hawk never looked more out of shape? Well now I did. - Did I mention that it ended as a draw? Well now I did. - Did I mention that they hugged at the end? Well now I did. - Did I mention that after this we were treated to a set of... - commercials? - Well now I did. - Marc Mero came out with Jacqueline. In the ring, Jacqueline defended her man by taking full responsibility for Mero losing his match at Brawl for All last week because they celebrated their two month anniversary the night before, and Mero's tank was all sorts of EMTEE... Lawler, "Whooo Go Girl! That's three snaps JR! (snap, snap. snap) Ross, "yeah" - Jacky continued, "You see, my man, before he met me, been deprived for a long time." Lawler, "Whoohoo Testify!" Ross, "Deprived of whut?" - "It seems, that this woman he haaad, wasn't able, to fullfill his needs." Lawler, "So He kicked her to the curb! Hee heee" - "Saaaable wasn't aaaable! You know, she looked reeeal good, but there wasn't no motor under that hood." Lawler, "Gooo girl, Go Girl!!" - Then she said something that I found indecipherable...something about steering ships or razor whips.....something like that... - Anywhoo...out came Sable....what followed was an exchange that I damn near peed my pants over...to wit: Sable: "Oh Jacky. Honey you got the story ALLLLL wrong. You see, I always had the pedal to the metal. It's just that Marc's tire was flat. You see back then, they didn't make Viagra to keep his tank full. Jacky: "Look Girlfriend! (Ross, waking up, "Uh oh...Girlfriend?") The difference between you and me? I'm one hundred percent woman! I know what a man wants! Y'see, Honey! This body is primo real estate!" Sable: "Yeah, but the question is...how many times have you rented it out?" Lawler, "Whooa Whoa! Call Jerry Springer!" Ross, "Whoa! By the hour? By the minute? Time share? What is this?" Jacky: "Look SKANK!" Lawler: "Heh heh heh...skank!" Jacky: "I'll tell you what! Why don't you prove it! Show up in a Bikini contest." Sable: "Jacky! Don't just blow it...show it! Because MY bikini will be Fully Loaded and ready to drop da bomb on YOU!" - You can pick just about any of those lines for the LINE OF THE NIGHT!! - Ross was suitable perturbed and Lawler was suitable sexed up enough to send us running to the bathrooms for a little "tension release" by giving us a nice batch of... - commercials - Val Venis took on Dustin Runnels. This should get more attention from me, but I have to gear up for the DX segment..so let me nutshell this into saying that Kaientai attacked Venis midway and Yamaguchi San slapped him for having dared come on to his little geisha tamale of a wife (Who is ANOTHER cutie...good Lord, the WWF DAMN sure beats WCW in the chick department) The segment ends with me having NO CLUE who the heel is in this just started feud (Daddy? Do I cheer for the three Japanese men? Or do I cheer for the guy with the big pee pee?). - commercials - Remember that hysterical parody of the Horsemen that the NWO did waaaay back on Nitro? Well, now that Syxx is now X-Pac....the WWF took a turn at it. - DX came out to the Nation theme song. HHH was the Rock, with blackface and a wig. Road Dog was dressed as D-Lo...with an umpire chest protector with the name "BLO" written on front., Bad Ass was dressed as Kama, X-Pac was dressed as Mark Henry...in one of those sumo suits with the name MIZARK on the front. Their was this skinny kid dressed as Owen Hart..and Chyna was dressed as a girl. Because it was so damned funny...here comes the transcript..word for word.. Bad Ass/Kama: "Pimps up....Ho's down...Wuzz UUUAAAAAAAAAAP!" HHH/Rock (with full Maivia body language): "YouknowtheCrock.......just came from the bathrooooom! And....you shoulda smelled what Rock was COOKIN' I ain't thinking, you shoulda smelled what the Rock was baking" Road Dog/D-Lo "The Rock was baking! Brother was baking!" (Then Road Dog/D-Lo ran to the second turnbuckle raised his arms and shook his head wildly). Then Road Dog/D-Lo laid on the mat. HHH/Rock pulled off his elbowpad..... Lawler: "Look, it's the People's Elbow JR!" Ross: "The best damn elbow in the business, according to the Rock!" HHH/Rock went through the motions, ran, jumped, took those two huge steps, was about to drop it....then said.. HHH/Rock: "As a matter of fact, when it comes to the Crock and the ladies and the Crock hit...rock bottom...he has no choice, but to lay the smack down on HIMSELF!" Road Dog/D-Lo: "Y'hear that? The brother smacks himself down!" Then he mounted the other second turnbuckle, raised his arms, and shook his head wildly. Fake Owen: "Well enough...is enough..and it's time for a CHANGE" (Dear God..he sounded just like him). Fake Owen: "So what! Nobody listens to me! Nobody gives a DAMN what I think! What the Hell am I doing wearing this RIDICULOUS OUTFIT?? I look like a damn road sign! What the Hell am I? A SCHOOL CROSSING? You know, I tried to be a tough guy, but I just couldn't grow my damn BEARD IN! Y'know what? I....am NOT...a NUGGET! I'M A BLACK HEART DAMMIT! A SOUL SURVIVOR WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAWWWW! And if anyone smells what the Rock is cookin', it's me...look how big my DAMN NOSE IS!!!!! WHAT THE HELL AM I? AN AARDVARK? WHOOOOAAAAWWWWW!! Road Dog/D-Lo: "What does the brother look like? An Aardvark?" Fake Owen: "WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAWWWWW" X-Pac/Henry: "HEY, HEY HEEEY ROCK! I don't know what yo' cookin', smells like sh(bleep) (Ross, "OOOOH My") but I think I'll eat some anywaaayyy...heh heh heh" HHH/Rock: "Y'know somethin' Mark Henry....Mizark Henry. I know you're the world's strongest man, and the Crock's got a Hell of a body himself, but there's one thing, the people want to know. How do you get yo' pecs to get all the way around you're back like that?" Road Dog/D-Lo: "What he wants to knowww....is how..." HHH/Rock: "Shut up" HHH/Rock: "Look, shut you're mouths...and know you're role! Nation, we got two words for ya..." - The crowd yells "SUCK IT" - Jeezus Christ.....that was the FUNNIST DAMN THING I HAVE SEEN ALL YEAR!!!! Hell, even Ross was laughing. - On the basis of that, and the Sable/Jacky segment..I'm half inclined to give the whole she-bang to RAW!! THIS is what entertains me to no end. - and by the way...in case you're looking for a little, MY GOD!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!! It AIN'T gonna happen...so long as they produce top quality pant peeing material like that...Eric and Vince can rip each other off all they want. - commercials - I'm sick of RAW..and all that transcribing wore my fat ass OUT....so I'm a'breezin' through this...Shamrock fought Mabel....Shamrock Ankle locked a tap out out of Puff n' Stuff. Then Shamrock refused to let go for a while. Finally he did. The he stalked around the ring until... - Out comes Vincent K. (Sorry, only two toupee jokes per column) McMahon with Paul Bearer. Vince took a seat at the announcer table to expel some of that wind he has... - Then Steve Austin comes out, says hello to the crowd, then took a seat at the announcer table on the other side of Vince. - Vince was suitable outraged....especially when he gave his always hilarious sneer when Austin shot him a quick birdie. - Austin took his seat. Ross and Lawler stayed quiet as the two bickered like a married couple. I would transcribe it for you, but nothing REALLY cool was said..it was just a fun little exchange of words. - Mankind came to the ring....looking very, very hurt. Vince said he was worthy of being WWF champ. Austin appreciated the fact that he would put his body on the line, but he was dumber than a box of rocks. - As Kane came out, Ross told us that they were fresh out of commercials for the night..so don't switch to Nitro. - Then the Undertaker's music came on.....no one came out... - They played it again....no go, homo. - Vince was peeved enough to get into the ring and order the announcer to announce that the Undertaker isn't here because he is a "chickensh(bleep)", then Kane and Mankind will go at it one on one... - ...in a no hold's barred match... - ....where falls count anywhere. - Then Mankind rolled out of the ring, sat down against the apron, grabbed the mic and said that he was sick of following Vince's orders, and he WON'T fight his friend Kane. - Vince put the Headset back on and screamed that they better start the match now. - Kane came out of the ring, picked up a chair.... - Vince yelled, "HIT HIM, HIT HIM!!! HIT HIM KANE!!!!" Austin told Mankind to get off his ass and defend himself. - Kane PASTED Mankind with the chair...Vince screamed that "THIS IS WHAT THE WWF IS ALL ABOUT!!!!" (WCW Die Hards will have a FIELD DAY with that statement) - Kane rolled Mankind in the ring, pulled him around a bit, then pinned him. - Kane was announced the winner..Vince looked on proudly... - Kane yanked off his mask...and it was the UNDERTAKER!!! Austin pulled off his headset, mouthed the words, "What the Fu&$?" Ross had time to scream, "UNDERTAKER IS THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER!!!! MY GOD, THE CARNAGE!!!!!!!" - The show ended there. For what is was worth, it was a decent show..saved mostly by the Sable/Jacqueline dis-fest and the DX classic skit. Not that it mattered..not that ANY of it mattered. Oh no children....you all know as well as I do..tonight TRANSCENDED wrestling..it TRANSCENDED ratings...it TRANSCENDED THIS MORTAL COIL AS WE KNOW IT!!!!!!!! THE BLOOD OF THE SOULLESS DEMONS HAVE SCOURED THIS TEMPLE OF EXISTENCE FOR FAR TOO LONG!! NOW..WE SHA........oh screw it...go read the Nitro Mop-Up and see if this thing was any friggin' good. Chris Hyatte
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