Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the July 10 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte I wanted to like the show. I give HUGE applause to them for giving Booker T the strap. I'll be AMAZED if he can last the Summer with it. I was rooting for the show on the whole, Torrie Wilson has now become the hottest bitch in WRESTLING to me. But I can't like it. The Graveyard Match was an insult, Steiner turning for no reason other than to keep Nash and Goldberg from cleanly selling anything was asinine. I want to pluck out my eyeballs and jam an icepick into my ears whenever Ms Handcock comes out. But not even those things are what made me hate the PPV... Those F-ing Announcers spending every other F-ing minute talking about how AMAZING this PPV is and how AMAZING WCW is. EVERY GODDAM TWO MINUTES!!! Trying to get people to watch more WCW is one thing, but this BLATANT SELF FELLATIO THAT THEY PERFORM ON THEMSELVES COMPLETELY RUINS THE COMPANY FOR THE VIEWERS!!! I'll tell you this, I ENCOURAGE all of you to NEVER order a WCW PPV again... just to SPITE their overblown asses. When they first started to lose in the ratings... and for a good year afterwards, WCW acted like a company still in first place. They ACTED like they were still the top promotion. Now, they act like what they are, what they were, and what the probably always will be, a second rate WWF company. They ACT like a company that gets their ass handed to them each and every Monday. They have "settled" into second place. Like when a fat guy puts on 20 pounds. It takes a while before the added weight "settles" into his body. When he loses it, it takes a while before the weight loss "settles" into his body too. Well, the lost audience has "settled" into WCW, my friends. The good news. With idiots like me spending all column talking about this... WCW is getting EXACTLY what it set out to get. Don't think I've missed that particular Irony. Well, that's as good a way as any to kick this recap off... NITRO (Or: RAW is WAR 2) -opens with still photos from "Bash at the Beach", complete with a brief look at the WCW history of Booker T. Booker was apparently heading down a path of crime, gangs, and white women before Stevie Ray showed him the way of the Wrestler. -Ah, and they dispensed with all pretense and admitted that "Harlem Heat" was actually from Houston... which begs the question... "So why did Stevie Ray shoot that video footage of him walking down the streets of Harlem talking about what Booker has turned his back on?" -we'll have no answer I'm afraid. At this point, I'd settle for an explanation as to what those blotches are on Booker's shoulders and back? -Third question... when will WCW change Booker's name to "The Stone"? -Fourth question... when will Booker start ending every promo with, "If you feeeeeel what the Stone is projecting?" -Fifth question ... will WCW actually pay for the surgery so Booker can control the movement of one of his eyebrows? -Fifth question... sub question A: IS there a surgery that gives people the ability to the movement of one eyebrow? -Opening theme -Tony screams over the fireworks. Last night was an "emotional night"... (yes it was... I got my hands on some bad weed and ended up blubbering like a baby over my imaginary "Fantastic Four What If" mini-series where the Thing dies slowly. The real tear jerker is when Sue confronts Reed, who has spent hours in the lab trying to fin a cure and demands that he get out there and say goodbye to his best friend. Reed visits Ben and starts breaking down over all the failure he's had in curing him. Ben tells Reed that without the Thing, they couldn't have saved the world so many times... "Ya did right by me, Stretcho... ya did right by me"... Then all four put their hands on top of each other one last time. Ben's hand falls off... he dies. Oh man... I... I... I'm starting to lose it now. -Anyone know ANYONE at Marvel who might be able to get them to hear my full pitch? This is a BRILLIANT story idea... I also have a sub-plot featuring a furious Human Torch leading a team of rogue heroes (including Wolverine and Gambit) on a huge raid of Dr. Doom's castle because they think he's responsible... with Captain America and the Invisible Woman racing to stop them. I've got another sub-plot where Spider Man and Daredevil pay a visit to Yancy Street... there's the part where Reed has to choose to release Franklin's Mental Blocks in hopes of using his power to cure Ben. Oh, it has all the makings of a classic. -a Classic that will never see the light of print... now THAT'S a tear jerker. -Now, none of you will try to steal this idea, right? I'm trusting you here. -They are in Jacksonville Florida... just another stop on Nitro's endless "SECOND RATE CITY THAT IS ALMOST A SUBURB" Cross Country Tour. They damn sure don't ignore the hicks. -Tony asked, "Who would have thought Booker T would be WCW champion one day removed from Bash at the Beach?" My best guess, slightly more people who thought Arquette would end up the champ. -So, was Arquette "WCW World Champ" or did he hold the "Hulk Hogan Memorial Championship"? -It was Ron Simmons in the early 90's. Now Booker T in the early 00's. I would assume that... err... New Jack is in line to win the thing in the early ‘10's. Or maybe Brickhouse Brown will be lured out of retirement by then? -COULD THE DECADE AFTER THIS BE THE DECADE OF KOKO B WARE?????? -The Announcers get early face time? Is that Don Johnson? Oh no, it's just Mark Madden with sunglasses on, a Hawaiian shirt (notice Scherer isn't praising him on his weight loss anymore! Hell, notice that Scherer barely mentions Madden anymore, AND notice that Mark's column has been taken off the 1wrestling home page!) -Mark's mouth is hanging wide open. No nose breathing for him. -And here comes the first douchebag comment of the night that make me want to take a tire iron to these guys... -Madden, "last night, the NEW WCW really DID become the "NEW WCW"... oh, so that whole April 12 thing was just a snowjob? -And here comes the SECOND douchebag comment of the night that make me want to take a tire iron to these guys... -Hudson, "We got a new promotion!" (BULL!!! IT CAN'T BE A NEW ERA EVERY F-ING WEEK!!!!!!! I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS!!!!! YOU GUYS SUCK, YOU CAN'T WIN NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY "OH NO.. WE ARE REALLY ALL DIFFERENT NOW!!!" BULL BULL BULL BULL AND BULL) -And here comes the THIRD douchebag comment of the night that make me want to take a tire iron to these guys... -Schiavone, "It's a brand new day!" NO IT IS NOT GOD DAMMIT!!!! I REJECT THE NOTION!!!! IT'S THE SAME OLD WCW!!!! -And here comes the FOURTH douchebag comment of the night that make me want to take a tire iron to these guys... -Schiavone, "A lot went down last night that LEGALLY we can't talk about! There's only one way to relive it, and that's by ordering the Encore Presentation"... etc etc etc (F-WADS!!!! THOSE BUY RATES AREN'T RISING UP ARE THEY??? LOSING MONEY BY THE TRUCK LOAD, ARE YA? GOOD!!! YOU DESERVE IT FOR BEHAVING LIKE SUCH DICKHEADS!!!!!) -Legally my ass... it's all a work. -Meanwhile, Tony was so into getting people to re-watch the thing for 30 more shekels, they completely ignored the arrival of... -New WCW champ, Booker T... wearing a silk shirt opened at the chest and sunglasses (my God in heaven... please no!! Please tell me they aren't REALLY hoping people will confuse him with the Rock because they are both Black?) -Booker hits the ring. If he uses the word "Finally" ANYWHERE IN THIS MONOLOGUE.... I... I... I... I will sit here, do nothing, and get really really MAD!!! -Tony admires the crowd reaction. In other words, they didn't all run to the bathroom. -Booker got on the stick. Okay, the crowd DID belt out a rendition of "Booker T". Tony acted like it was loud enough for the Martians to hear. -Well, he didn't say "finally", but he DID combine two of the most famous opening phrases in wrestling history and said, "You know, first of all" (Ooo, double bogey) -He said this wasn't scripted. IT'S A SHOOT!!!! (Bullcrap... its a work too. EVERYTHING'S A WORK!!! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS!!!) -His one regret is that he did all this without his Mother around to see it. So he dropped to one knee, pointed to the sky, and said "I love you Momma, I wish you were here!" -I'm inspired. I am now typing this on one knee. I am now typing this one handed. I am now using my free hand to point to the ground. HOW YA DOIN' MA??? HOT ENOUGH FOR YA'???? GLAD YOU AIN'T AROUND TO GIVE ME MORE GRIEF FOR BEING AN UNPAID INTERNET GOD THAT MEAN NOTHING IN THE REAL WORLD!!! BURN YOU BITCH!!! BURN. -I may dig up her corpse and F-it again... just for old times sake. -Booker got back up and wanted to get down to business. 8 years in WCW. And he can tell each and every one of us that if there was no us... there would be no Booker T! (We're his Father? I've never even BEEN to Houston!) -Booker continued, "You know, each and every night I come out here and given 110% and you people have..." (Have what? HAVE WHAT?? Continuously tried to explain that it is physically impossible to give more than 100%?) -Oh, no.. that we just accepted him. -In fact, in a sense, "I am you" (and I am YOU Booker! You know, I've just about had it with the MAN keeping me down all the time!!) -So he thanked us for supporting him for all these years (well, to be honest, there were a few of those years where I personally didn't even think about you Booker... sorry!) -Booker said, "I love you too baby". Then added, "you know who you are", then winked slyly... aww that dog.. he's got them lined up from here to ‘Frisco -To the playa hatas in the back, and you know who you BE! I'm gonna say it like this, "OJ style" (uh oh... he's going to announce that he didn't kill Nicole??) -Oh... no... he's going to say it, "O.G. style" (uh oh, he's going all Puff Daddy on us!!) -"O.G." means "Original Gangsta" for you neophytes who think The Chili Peppers define hardcore. -"Don't hate the Playa, hate the Game!" (of course, because he's feuding with HHH... they really are trying fake us into thinking they signed Maivia!!) -Now Booker wants to talk about Bill Goldberg. He decided to quote GB exactly, (much like Rocky does... these WCW people are SUFFERING), "I got hurt. I scratched my arm. I went out. I stayed out for 6 months. And the people I fought. You cheered for them. Every damn one of them!!" -Booker called GB a "mark for himself, and a mark for the business." Then added that these people made you what you are today! (Hmm, I thought the Marketing Dept did that?) -Finally, Booker said that behind every man, there is a good woman. (Shouldn't that be the other way around if you are REALLY a Playa?). So he asked WCW Security to bring a lovely lady to ringside. -We see said lovely lady. Hudson announces that she is his wife, "Lavestia" - - -*spittake* -err... Lavestia? -How come nobody names their kid "Wilma" anymore? -Dillenger brought out Mrs. T (I pity the fool) -The Dark Chylde Dillenger brought her out. All smiles. What's HE so happy about? He's got to wait another thousand years before he can take over the 9 realms? -Tony applauded the simplicity of it all. No pomp. No circumstance. No balloons out of the sky or leaflets. Just a human moment with real human emotions. Unfortunately, the only company responsible for pomp, circumstance, balloons, and leaflets is the company HE WORKS FOR!!!!!! -She enters the ring. Booker introduces her as "Mrs. Huffman" (??), who stayed at home all those nights he was way (ahh, I've told enough jokes). -Booker as about to talk about what the future will bring when... -Houston Heat's music played... -Stevie Ray came out. Hudson wondered if he was going to ask for money. -Ray grabbed a mic and demanded that the music be cut off. Tony screamed, "NOT NOW, NOT NOW!!!" -Booker said, "What'choo want? You want the belt now? Is that it?" Stevie just wanted him to listen. -Stevie said, "You knowww (sigh), a lot of these people don't know you like I know you!!" (well du-uh... they ARE Brothers, right?) -Stevie remembers pushing Booker around on a tricycle (well Hell, that was only last week.) -Stevie remembers sleeping in the same bed with Booker for 14 years (HA!!!!!) -Stevie remembers letting Booker use his ‘79 Z28 for his first date. -Stevie remembers letting Booker wear his clothes because Booker's weren't "hip and funky enough" (Who uses the word "hip" OR "funky" anymore? Other than Regis?) -Stevie remembers getting Booker into this business. -Stevie remembers Scott Casey telling him one day that "this kid's got what it takes to take it all the way to the top." (Yeah but, Scott Casey was their paperboy) -Stevie remembers coming to WCW with him, climbing the ladder with him, but he never dreamt that Booker T would be the World Heavyweight Champion. -SOOoo... Stevie was there to tell him that Booker was his brother, that he was proud of him, and that he loved him. -They hugged. The Announcers rejoiced. Madden asked "Can you dig THAT?" Hudson rightfully apologized to the audience for his careless assumption that Stevie was just looking for a handout. That's all well and good, but when will they apologize for trying to pass off Booker as a Maivia clone? -Scott Steiner's music came on. His bimbo with those balloon ass lips came out. -She had a mic and talked directly to Stevie Ray about how Scott's gonna kick his ass and get that belt. (umm, hey dumbo... ) -Lavestia wanted a piece of that white ass... Booker held her back. -Stupid Ass had to get out of there while finishing her statement about how Big Poppa Pump was going to make him his "Personal Bitch" because... -Scott Steiner snuck in there with a baseball bat. A WHITE baseball bat. And swung away. (Nothing I say... NOTHING AT ALL... NO MATTER HOW OPENLY IGNORANT MY JOKES ARE... CAN EVER TOP THE REAL LIFE CRAP THEY PUT ON SCREEN!!!! AN ARYAN WHITE GUY WITH BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR BEATING TWO BLACK GUYS WITH A WHITE BASEBALL BAT IS THE MOST RACIAL THING THEY CAN DO SHORT OF HANGING BOOKER BY THE NECK ON A TREE) -Steiner made a move towards Lavestia and tormented her. Of course. -The segment ends with Steiner reigning supreme. Pathetic. What's even worse, I'm the only guy who seems to be bothered by this... and I'M the one called a racist. -commercials. Jarrett's pitching cell phones. He SHOULD be pitching Suspenders... because he can't seem to hold on to any of his belts. -"The Shawshank Redemption" is coming to TNT. Remind to tell you about the time a Con named Shaw shanked me in the shower stalls during my time in the joint. He got me right under my ribcage. It was nice getting poked somewhere OTHER than in my booty for once. -Moments ago, well, you know what happened. -Backstage, Booker was insisting to his Wife and Brother that he will take care of all this. I want to know, where does "Big T" fit into all this? Or has he grown so fat that he can't fit into anything anymore? -Backstage, Paula Pollshock's nipples sliced deep out of her top as she had to listen to Jarrett's rhetoric about how she's a slapnut and how he will get that belt once more. Pollshock was wearing a do-rag over her head... which made her look quite like the "Anti-Aunt Jemimah". Judging by what we've seen so far, this makes perfect sense. -Oh, and Steiner attacked Jarrett mid-speech. Paula ran away screaming, "SECURITY" -Shane Douglas came out with Torrie Wilson. Ooo, she's hot. F-It how blank her face is. She is THE Wrestling Goddess now. -Look at that ass. Shane's, not Torrie's. -First, he had zero chemistry with Francine, now he has zero chemistry with Torrie. Are we SURE that Douglas isn't a Homo? -He got on the mic and told Buff Bagwell that his ass was "franchised" at the BAB. (Those T-shirts will be ready any week now) -He goofed on the male fans who had to bring their chunky ass cows while he gets Blondie over here. -He said that this pairing was planted back during the "Revolution Days", but they held off until "just the right moment"... then he cackled like an idiot. -Torrie got on the mic and apologized to Buff for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. -To Billy Kidman, she said that there was something about him that just couldn't quite please her (well, you can forget about the nose). She sucked her pinkie finger, then it hit her... he was a JEW!!! -Oh, no... it's because "Little Billy" doesn't have the "Manhood" that the Franchise has. That's right. No more bullcrap. No more lying. I'm terribly afraid that these girls drop too many hints. If you have a small pecker. you might as well join the Priesthood. Size matters, boys. Size matters. -I have 5 inches myself... I just ain't happening. That's why I have to take a Weed Whacker to her. Anything else is just like humping the Sierra Desert. -They hugged. Crowbar and Daffney came out. Crowbar hit the ring and started elbowing the mat. I guess this is to signify that he's crazy... or an epileptic. -Shane goes right at it with him. Daffney does her only gimmick and screams sporadically... which is about as brilliant as the time Kidman's only characteristic was that he had an itch on his chest -At one point, the camera watched Daffney scream, then stop. She looked like she was about to pass out from the effort. -Meanwhile, Tony told us that Nitro will be on TUESDAY of next week so that TNT can show it's "Highly acclaimed" (he added that phrase all through the night) movie "Nuremberg" part two. Which is based on a true story about a Nazi War trial. I guess they want to see if the trial and conviction of War Criminals has a chance at taking out RAW... because they sure ain't doing it with rasslin'! -With Douglas outside and down, Crowbar tried to chair him. Torrie got right in the way. Douglas's face was a good two inches from her ass. Douglas didn't even try to look. He IS a Homo! -It went inside, then back outside. Torrie interfered. Daffney jumped all over her. -Crowbar with the Springboard/Guillotine/Legdrop which involved spinning head over heels. Those in the know... well, me... call it an "Armbar". (yup, I'm still on this kick) -Douglas answers with a "Crumbling Republic Legsweep". -Oh... like Crowbar had a chance. Douglas won with that move that's so simplistic in nature... it actually purty damn cool, partially because nobody thought of it before. -After the match, Buff Bagwell ran in and cleaned house. -Backstage, Paula Pollshock listened to Kidman declare that Torrie Wilson was a "filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, skanky, bottom feeding, trashbag HO" as well as a "rancid, reeking, foul smelling, piece of Road Kill"!!! (F-ing COMPANY!!!!!). -They are a real life couple, Torrie and Kidman. I give this pairing a shelf life of... oh... let's just say that Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley had better a chance. -Kidman, "It's all about ME now. Right now, I'm moving on to things BIGGER AND BET..." -He was cut off and shoved away by Jeff Jarrett... which was hilarious timing. Nice touch. Jarrett ranted for a bit. Kidman attacked him. Pollshock ran away screaming "SECURITY"!! Is this going to be a running gag now? -Outside, ... "Smooth"... (brrrr) announced that it was good to be him, then opened his Limo door to allow... -Tank Abbott to step out in a Tuxedo top and shorts. He had a Gold Record. -Tony, "Three Count has a Gold Record?!?" -Madden, "yes they do have a Gold Record. Don't you read "Billboard"? -Tony, "Yes I DO read "Billboard!" (oh, he does NOT. Why the Christ would he be reading "Billboard"?? To chart the sales of that insipid WCW Album? "Billboard" doesn't cover the bottom 200,000) -I do. WCW's CD is sandwiched at 125,645th place... right between "Tony Danza Sings" and the soundtrack to "Waterworld". -3 Count is out in full tuxes. Hudson asks if they should call him "Colonel Tank". Madden bottoms out with "Tank Sinatra"... which makes no sense since Tank is not a SINGER YOU FAT BASTARD!!! YOU ARE OVER YOUR HEAD!!! He just loves to hear his own voice. -Case in point, on Sunday, Madden made a pointless joke about someone having "no nuts" that had NOTHING to do with the converatrion between Tony and Scott at all. He mumbled an apology right after. He is a floundering mass of useless cellulite. -commercials -Jeeze... the Nitro Girls are still around? -Ernest Miller gets off the phone in time for Jeff Jarrett to charge in there and demand a title match. Actually, he didn't get off the phone in time. He charged Jarrett with rudeness and said that for his crime, he will NOT get a title match but WILL get a match against Kidman tonight. Jarrett walked away mad. Miller shook his head and marveled about this "cracker". Miller was unusually reserved tonight? Maybe someone's getting the idea that acting like a relic from "Amos and Andy" does NOT score points? Naaah, I doubt it. -Three Cuont (BWAHAHAHAAA) come out with Tank Abbott, who was carrying the Gold Record. I give this thing 5 minutes before I hit the FF button. -Tank gets on the mic and said, "Didn't I say that Three Count was the greatest band in Rock and Roll history? DIDN'T I???" (Tony laughed at a sign pertaining to Tank's lack of teeth... smart move, genius.) -Tank said that they were going to have a party tonight in honor of their Gold Record. They was going to hang the Gold Record above the ring all night for all to admire. -They did so. -The Jung Dragons ran out... because they have nothing else to do with these boys. It became one of those madcap, high flying, use the ladder things that nobody seems to be caring about. Although it doing wonders for Tank's heat. -After a couple of seconds. Tank stepped in and cleaned house. -Then, someone charged into the ring, snuck up on Tank, and blew green mist in his face. It's MUTA!!! THE GREAT MUTA IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!! -oh my... he's BALD!!! THE GREAT MUTA IS BALD!!!!!!!!! -Well, he's baldING... he still has plenty of hair left -I wonder if they had to stop him from going out there in a NWO T-shirt? -They got the Gold Record down. The Announcers screamed that WCW is just getting warmed up. -Let us honor Muta with a brief rendition of a REAL "Rock and Roll Classic"... follow along now... I'll start mid song and lead into the chorus... -"No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no love, no you know something, it's a gas. Everyone around me is a total stranger, everyone around me is a cyclone ranger, every onnnnnne. That's why I'm TURNING JAPANESA, I'M TURNING JAPANESA, DON'T YOU THINK SO? (bwnaw nah NAH NAH NAH NAHNAHNAH) TURNING JAPANESA, TURNING JAPANESA DON'T YOU THINK SO (bwnaw nah NAH NAH NAH NAHNAHNAH)" -that's all I remember -Poundshock asks Kanyon why the big frown? Kanyon called her "Bro" that bitched about something or your mother. -Goldberg has arrived. And he has the corporate sponsored attire to prove it. -commercials. "Coyote Ugly"... now THAT'S a flick I want to SEE. Umm, come to think of it, I'll wait for the PPV. Seems too "Young girl coming of age" for me. -Besides, based solely on the commercials, I can already tell that it's unbelievable. No bar in the world would waste so much money spilling booze like that. -Jeff Jarrett comes out as Tony shoved the BAB Replay down our throats. I might just throw my cable box out the window in protest. -Billy Kidman comes out without a girl, but with a new fireworks display in the ring. Playing up to Kidman's gay following, no doubt. -They get going. Kidman found himself hip-tossed out of the ring by the REF, in a SHOCKER!!! -No, no... by Jarrett. -If you're anything like me (and God help you if you are), you became focused on that huge sweat stain Kidman left on the mat when he landed. -Jarrett hauled Kidman into the railing. Kidman stayed down for a while. -Back in the ring, Kidman bounced back with a drop-kick. He tried for a Sunset Flip. JJ kicked out. -Jarrett tried for a top rope Cross Bodyblock... Jarrett reversed the momentum and tried the pin. No deal. -Tony jammed the replay down our throats again. Not even Heimlich will stop him. -Torrie Wilson came out and bickered with Kidman. She tried to slap him. Well, she DID slap him but Kidman was supposed to catch it. he didn't really. -Douglas showed up and mauled Kidman. Torrie kicked him in the balls in a bad spot. Kidman was rolled into the ring. Jarrett pinned him. Kidman kicked out. No Announcers dared to scream, "THIS IS WCW!!!" because the friggin' place changes week after week. -Jarrett went for a Powerbomb (HIM??). Kidman slipped out and turned it into an "X-Factor"... sloppily. -Jarrett kicked out. -Kidman went for that Rebounding Bulldog thing. Jarrett blocked it and hit the "StrokeArmBar", he got the pin. Hudson screamed, "THIS IS WCW!!" (sigh) -Backstage, Steiner was beating on Chris Kanyon. Steiner is GOD!!! -Backstage, Miller walked in on Mike Awesome making his moves on a Fat Chick. Miller awarded Awesome the US belt because he stripped Steiner of it last night. Awesome said "Nobody is going to GIVE me a belt, I'm going to EARN it!!" Smells like a SHOT at Hulk Hogan. Smells like a WORKED SHOT AT THE CURRENT WORKED ANGLE THAT HOGAN IS IN!!!! -Oh, and Awesome also took a glance at the camera and said, "For the love of God, please... don't call me ‘Mullet Head'" -commercials -Spot for the TNT homemade flick, "Nuremberg". Knowing TNT's desire to get WCW over, I'm sure they included a "not verified, but possible" scene where Goldberg spears and jackhammers Hitler. -Mike Awesome is out. We see BAB clips dealing with his match with Scott Steiner. -Booker T comes out. -It takes barely twenty seconds before the Announcers (Madden, of course) called Awesome "Mullet". I would have picked something more insulting... like "Scaia". -Booker T went out there. Tony said that Booker was a "true champion" because he bided his time with hard work, and NOT with nifty catch phrases (Can you dig it?). Yeah, take a shot at the competition... which is destroying your lame company's ripping off ass. Smooth move there, Ex-Lax. -This is a title match. RAW is almost on. -They lock up. Hudson calls Booker a "real champion! NOT a paper champion, NOT a Chosen Champion!" -Tony called him a... "People's Champion". -Let me repeat this... Tony called their new champion... a BLACK champion... the "People's Champion". -His exact phrase was "He went from a People's Champion to a World Champion." -A second rate, DESPERATE comment from a second rate, DESPERATE company. That's all it is. Damn shame too, because Booker will never get a chance to become his own man now. -They lock up. Awesome goes right on the offensive. -Booker answers with his Spin Kick. -Booker went fore a second Spin Kick. Awesome ducked it and hit him with a clothesline. Booker spun upside mid-air and fell flat. Great move. -Awesome used a chair outside. -Back inside, Awesome stage dived over the top ropes and onto Booker. -Awesome with an mighty powerbomb. -Awesome hit the Leapfrog. Booker kicked out. -Madden, "THEY FIGHT, THEY COMPETE!!! THEY DON'T SHOW UP FOR WORK ONCE A MONTH AND HOPE TO BE HANDED SOMETHING!!!" (Of course, they can't LEGALLY name names.... assholes.) -Awesome sets up a table. Then goes for his Mega-Powerbomb on Booker while inside. Booker muscles out of it -Booker hits Awesome with a Flying Armbar. Awesome hits the table. -Yes. Madden screamed, "THIS IS THE NEW WCW" It can't be new every week... it just can't. I'm sorry. There a LOT of good people trying real hard in this company. But overall, it all still SUCKS!!! -Awesome rolls back into the ring. Booker hits the ScissorKick -Madden, "SPINEROONI, SPINEROONI"... at this point, if I had invented the word, I would be ashamed. I would also be a Libertarian, for some God awful reason. -Booker hits a Missile Drop-kick. Awesome kicks out of the follow up pin. -Booker... oh Jesus... he hits the Rock Bottom. Oh, wait, it's called the "Bookend"... because EVERYTHING'S ORIGINAL in WCW -The Rock Bottom. I wish Aids, Cancer, Syphilis, Alzheimer's, AND Athlete's Foot on whomever is responsible for this. Wait, scratch Alzheimer's... because I don't want them to forget the other things they have. -am I being too hard on them? ARE YOU SEEING THE CRAP THEY ARE TRYING TO PULL? -Booker got the pin. Scott Steiner charged and put him in the Recliner. Well, they sure aren't ripping THIS off from the WWF... this racial symbolism is ALL THEIR IDEA!! -Awesome attacked Steiner and knocked him out of the ring. Because he is a COMPETITOR. -Backstage, the Cat is both walking and mumbling. AT THE SAME TIME!!!! -commercials -Miller was in the ring. he called himself the Commissioner, and demanded respect. -The second hour arrived 5 minutes after the second hour really arrives. -Miller demanded Scott Aust... err... Steiner out. Steiner came out. -He called Miller a "sorry son of a bitch", then chugged a six pack. (you know what, there's no need to make up WWF imitations like that... they are doing fine by themselves) -He told Miller that he had 3 seconds to give him a title shot, or he was going to stick the microphone "straight up his ass", all of which was bleeped. -Miller called Steiner a "stupid bitch" (ass was edited... bitch is used as freely as the word "Nitro"... even though "Nitro" isn't TECHNICALLY a word... or is it?) -Nope... Microsoft Thesaurus says "no". -Oddly enough, when I looked up "Microsoft" in the Microsoft Thesaurus, I got "Sleep America, sleep". -Miller said that he was so sick and tired of Steiner, that he as going to beat his ass himself. -Knowing what you know... based on the actions of this show tonight... take a wild F-Ing GUESS as to what happened. -Booker T ran out to make the save and give a little payback. -Kanyon ran out and evened things up, (in this disjointed world) -Jarrett ran out. -T cleaned house. Thank GOD!!! -Miller re-entered the ring and screamed "DON'T GIVE IT AWAY!!!" (give WHAT away? That Bruce Willis was one of the dead people? It's been a year already! If you didn't know by now, then you DESERVE to have it ruined.) -Miller decided that Kanyon, Steiner, and Jarrett would go three way tonight and the winner would get a title shot at the next PPV. -Goldberg strolled out and threw his name in the event. Or was that Fred Durst? Can't tell, he had that backwards ass baseball cap. Miller made it a Four Way dance. -SOOoo, one of these three guys will pin Kanyon and get the title shot. Which is the ONLY reason why Kanyon is in there... obviously. -commercials. Alyssa Milano must like to take it up the seat, because there is no other explanation as to why a girl so young looks so ragged out. -Goldberg was mentally preparing for either the match, or his next fake injury. -Backstage, Norman Smiley was encouraging Ralphus to haul ass up a flight of stairs. Out of Shape Fat Guy + Doing Calisthenics = Comedy GOLD!!! -Norman Smiley came out with Ralphus. Madden said that a Scientist Friend of his said that Smiley hung out with Ralphus because he can't escape Ralphus's "Gravitational Pull". Hello dere Pot! I be a Kettle! You be Black! -Smiley got on the stick and said that they ALMOST got the Hardcore belt last night... so after an exhaustive day of working out, where Ralphus managed one push-up after 23 years (Hudson, "He's only 23?"), they are READY to go to the next level and GET that Strap. All they need is Big Vito to come on out and job out like the good little Italian that he is. -Big Vito came out, not only wearing the HC belt, but wearing a SINGLET!!! WHAT THE HELL???? -Vito went right at it with Smiley without even hitting the ring. It QUICKLY went backstage. Ralphus stayed in the ring. -It stayed in the back for a while. It went back at ringside. Ralphus had a table set up inside the ring and was hiding under it. Now THAT was enjoyable. -Vito eventually moved in on Ralphus and hit him with a cane, or maybe a crutch a few times. -No, it was a crutch. -Isn't Ralphus too old for this? -Vito propped a traffic cone against Ralphus's crotch and hit it with a bat. -Ralphus's face was going purple. -Vito laid him out on a table. Tony heard a few fans chant Ralphus' name and deemed it a worldwide chant. -Vito dove onto the table. He laid on him for the two count.. then got up and bitched at him. Smiley hit Vito from behind with a chair. Vito fell on Ralphus. Vito scored the pin. I'm all for fat, old guys getting beat up, but this guy isn't equipped for this sort of abuse. -Backstage, Miller fought the Jung Dragon's in a bit of "Too Fake To Even Make It Into a Jeff Speakman Film" Karate violence. Miller cleaned house. -Things went from bad to worse as Paisley met up with some flaming fashion designer that even Liberace would call a fag named "Kiwi". Lifted from SNL's "Mango" character. I'm officially sick of the show this week. -Hey!! Lenny Lane is back in WCW!! In the audience holding up a sign that read "USE ME!" Madden launched into a prepared speech about how heatless wonders like Lane were always getting bypassed due to the "established fat cats" who actually put butts in the seats. Trust me, nobody went to a WCW event to see Lenny Lane. -Lance Storm entered the ring and grabbed a microphone. He announced that the fans who showed up for the "entertainment" side of "sports entertainment" will be sorely disappointed in him. He does NOT sing. He does NOT dance. He WRESTLES!! -Oh, he's also Canadian. To prove it, he demanded that they all rise and respect the Canadian National Anthem. Two thirds of the Announcers acted like Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik just time traveled from 15 years ago and started to sing the Soviet National Anthem. The other third of the Announce Team is a fat bag of shit. -Does Storm work for the company yet? -Madden called Storm "one of the greatest technical wrestlers in this sport". And with that, they began jamming THAT FACT down our throats. Thusly, Lance Storm is now Chris Benoit. -The Artist came out with Paisley. Paisley sat with the Announcers and sold the crap out of this "Kiwi". -There is NOTHING, save for my respect for Storm's ability, that I can stand about this segment. -Storm won. Don't know how... I Fast Forwarded through it. All I know is that he was the one with his arms up. -Vampiro pulled up in a Hearse. A Coffin was in the Hearse. Tony, "Who could be IN THE COFFIN??" (Well, I see no condoms in there, so that rules out my Mother... maybe Bischoff's Father?) -commercials -Kronic took on two of the Misfits with the Filthy Animals assisting on the mic work. -Welp... it was Corporal Cajun and General Rection. Thankfully, Konan was nowhere to be found. -About two minutes into it, Juventud and Rey made moves to interfere. Jindrak and O'Hare showed up to put a stop to this. -It actually was a decent match. If I wasn't so disgusted with this company at the moment, I'd be appreciating it more. -Adams Gorilla pressed Cajun, then dropped him on one knee. How DO they do that? -umm.. actually, that's and easy one. Weight distribution, hands and legs absorbing the blow on the mat. Simple. -Double Chokeslam on Cajun. Rection saves the match. -Kronic wins with the Flying Clothesline/Powerbomb. -The Perfect Event showed up with the Lex Flexor. The Announcers rescinded any and all previous gimmicking and praised them on their SKILL, GUTS, AND INTENSITY!!! THE PERFECT EVENT HAS COME TO PLAY!!! THE PERFECT EVENT HAS COME TO WCW!!!!! -Vampiro has plans. Plans involving the Coffin. Coffins generally need several people to carry. How did he get it out of the Hearse all by himself? -commercials. Interesting TNT contest. If YOU discover that your Neighbor is in fact a wanted Nazi War Criminal, rat him out and they'll send you a free copy of "Nuremberg". Only the first part... you still have to blow off RAW in order to see part 2. -Vampiro came out. Tony announces that Bam Bam Bigelow saved some folks from a burning building and hurt himself in the process. So long as they don't A: Gimmick him as a Firefighter and/or B: Use that act of Heroism as a testimony to WCW's inherent superiority over the competition, I'm all for a big round of applause for Bam Bam. -You just KNOW they will abuse the B option. -Vampiro got on the mic and said that he took "everything people just like ME" has thrown at him!! I toilet paper bombed his casa once, but that was YEARS ago -Vampiro is like a Black Lotus!!! He thrives in the dark!! -Meanwhile, that Torborg douche rose out of the Coffin and pantomimed evil doings. Vampiro said that Torborg's soul belonged to HIM now. -Asya entered the ring. It was too damn dark in there to see anything. -Vampiro apparently possessed Torborg now and ordered him to beat Asya "like a dog" -So, the Demon grabbed her by the throat and squeezed. Asya struggled weakly. HER LIFE WAS BEING DRAINED RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!!! (umm... anyone think about calling the Cops? Just a thought. You know... Homicide) -Sting's music came on. Someone came to the ring. This someone attacked Vampiro with baseball bat. The Demon too. -Sting's face was wrapped up. He even had goggles on. The Announcers swear it's Sting. Tony asked what he could POSSIBLY look like under that wrapping? (I would wager to say, he looked like the Undertaker after Yokozuna sat on his face and Bill Watts thought to put a Facemask on him for a few weeks? Which went over about as well as Glacier. -Sting walked off. I'm sure it wasn't him. -commercials -Jeff Jarrett was out. -Scott Steiner was out. -Kanyon was out. -Goldberg was out. -The Four Way Boogy... well, the Three Way Who Will Put Kanyon Put Over Dance began. -Tony made me laugh when he said, "Jacksonville has come to see WCW!!!" What would have happened if RAW was playing across the street. I wonder? What would he say then? -Why, the same damn thing, of course... without a single shred of Irony -Goldberg allowed someone else to start. Which was Steiner and Kanyon, after Steiner mouthed off to a fan and threatened to hop over the railing. -Steiner tore into Kanyon. It went outside and a chair. The Announcers tried like Hell to sell this as FOUR LEGIT TITLE CONTENDERS. It would have been SO much better if they at LEAST went the "Kanyon's out of his league, so he should be the Underdog" route... but NOOooo... in WCW, EVERYBODY is a World Title contender. -I swear, they would sell RALPHUS as a contender if they thought even one person would buy it. Then they would do it anyway. -Kanyon took brief control... then motioned for the "Kanyon Cutter". Jarrett slapped his outstretched hands and hopped in. -Kanyon was bale to get back in there and fight Jarrett. -Goldberg slipped in here legally and buried Kanyon with a Spear. -Kanyon ate a jackhammer. -Steiner got in here and went nose to nose with GB. They exchanged two punches, then spilled out of the ring. -Jarrett got back in there and pinned Kanyon. Jarrett got his title shot. -The show ends with Jarrett celebrating and GB and Steiner glaring at each other. Know why the company sucks? Here's ANOTHER reason. Goldberg's ENTIRE RING WORK TONIGHT involved 1 Spear. 1 jackhammer. 2 punches. An 1 slow roll out of the ring. That's all he did. THAT is what the fans who paid for the tickets were given.. The show was an insult. The work was GOOD for the most part, but the presentation was atrocious. I truly think that people who say they liked Nitro are so used to the low quality of the show that ANYTHING WCW does that qualifies as an improvement becomes ENHANCED. It's like giving a man who has drank nothing but water for 4 years a sip of Gatorade. He's going to go berserk over this awesome taste. I WILL NOT and CAN NOT allow them to get away with ANY more "New Days", "New Eras", or "New Dawns"... NO MORE!!!!!!! WE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!!!! Well, I won't. You Monkey Boys will do whatever you wish. Although how you can stand their amazing audacity to make Booker T a carbon copy of the Rock is beyond me. Where was Nash anyway? At least I could have counted on Nash for a killer promo. Like I said, here is the Mini-And Another Thing dressed as a Closer... a little bit of seriousness to top off the week. Everyone's sick of Hulk Hogan? Right? Oh he should retire. Oh, it's the same type of match. OH, his ego is out of control. OHH he keeps himself strong by keeping other people down. OHH the bastard. Ahh shaddup. OHHH he uses creative control that his contract gives him to make sure he looks good in all his matches. Oh he is such an a-hole. Ahh bite me. It's not like anyone FORCED WCW to give him what he wanted in his contract, you know! Seems to me, that if he wanted to stay in wrestling, after the fallout with the WWF, he really had no place else to go! WCW could have shown some balls and said, "No Creative Control". But Bischoff gave him the moon and Hogan used it to his advantage. Oh the horror.. the horror. The fact is... you may not LIKE Hogan. You may HATE Hogan. But Hogan deserves RESPECT!! Hogan was used up in the WWF. There was nothing left to give. Hulk-A-Mania and all the trappings therein wasn't working anymore. Fans wanted something new. "HOGAN SHOULD RETIRE AND GO AWAY NOW!!", they screamed So what did he do? he jumped to WCW and lit the wrestling world up with three killer matches against Ric Flair. DREAM matches that did what Flair's brief WWF run never did... put them against each other in a PPV forum for all to see. Hogan re-made himself. Hulk was "cool" again. A little while later, it got old. People screamed once again... "HOGAN SHOULD RETIRE AND GO AWAY NOW!!" So, he did the one thing nobody expected him to do. He turned Heel. Not only did he turn Heel, but he Heeled up with the DEFINING cool group of this "New Era" in Sports Entertainment. The NWO single handily ushered in this new found Wrestling popularity. Yes, they did... you know they did. Without the NWO, Nitro wouldn't have started beating RAW, McMahon wouldn't have started re-arranging his company. We may have never gotten the new WWF without the NWO. Praise McMahon all you want for it. When it comes right down to it, he has Hulk Hogan to thank. Time passed. "Heelywood Hogan" got old. People screamed once again... "HOGAN SHOULD RETIRE AND GO AWAY NOW!!" So, he turned face again. Even went back to the red and yellow. Suddenly, it was nostalgia time. Hogan was interesting again. Not for long, but long enough. A little time passed. The "Old/New" Hulk got old. Here comes the screaming... "HOGAN SHOULD RETIRE AND GO AWAY NOW!!" So, Russo came in. Gave Hulk a plan to go away for a bit while the youngsters have at it. Hulk gives the best promo of his career to Gene Okerlund. Clearly upset, he said, "HULK HOGAN WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH!!!!" He went onto Halloween Havoc and lied down for Sting. My God, he was interesting again. People were wondering just what he was up to?? Russo was put out to pasture. Sullivan took over. Hogan and Flair mixed it up in a "Yappa Pi Indian Strap Match", or some nonsense. "HOGAN SHOULD RETIRE AND GO AWAY NOW!!" Russo and Bischoff came back. Hulk Hogan did something NOBODY expected him to do. He worked with Billy Kidman. Kidman embodied all the "little people" who Hogan kept down. Hogan worked, Hogan ate tables, and Hogan bled for the kid. Kidman had MAJOR cred. Hogan was praised for working with someone everyone figured he was too damn arrogant to work with. The program ran it's course. Hogan ended up winning. Hogan was up for a title shot. People saw what was coming from a mile away... "HOGAN SHOULD RETIRE AND GO AWAY NOW!!" Look what happened. Hogan put his foot on a jobbing Jeff Jarrett, won the belt, and walked away quietly. Russo chewed him out on camera. EVERYBODY is talking about it. EVERYBODY is fascinated with Hulk Hogan again. He did it AGAIN!!!! Sure, Hulk is Hulk and he'll end up reverting back to type. Sure, people will be once again gripe and moan about how he's passé and a total bore now. So, he'll just re-invent himself once again. HOGAN SHOULD RETIRE AND GO AWAY NOW!! Bullshit. Love him or hate him... it doesn't matter. Respect him. He's earned it. I'm out of here. I'm taking next week off. But I'll talk to you again, sooner than you think. Big plans are afoot, with me smack dab in the middle of it all. This is Hyatte.