Mop-Up Raw Recap & Review of the July 10 edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte Remember the letter last week from a writer from CRZ's site? No? Well click on over and see... it'll take maybe 15 seconds... lazy dicks. Okay, well he responded with this bit of Genius. "Here are some phone numbers of Internet columnists that I got. Bob Ryder: ***-***-**** Sean Shannon: ***-***-**** (I figured u would want this one for sure) Ultimate Warrior: ***-*** -**** I couldn't find many but these are good enough I guess. Do whatever you want with them. Go wild with them. At least then you'll have some new material." Oh yeah, there's some REALLY new material for me. Moron. Posting phone numbers... and THOSE guys. Oh sure, I'd REALLY want SS's phone number. Yeah, let's restart that borefest. The sad thing is, he was NOT JOKING. He told me that another writer from CRZ's place told him to give me these numbers... a writer who I tore apart a year or so ago for practically plagiarizing something I wrote and used it for his column. Apparently, he's still shaken up. Does Zimmerman even LOOK at who he brings in? I mean, the open door policy is great but... Lordy loo. And no, the Doomsday kid has nothing to do with any of this. It ain't him. He's a cool guy. Him and that Sharon Austin girl are the only two writers really worth checking out on that site. (He's been linking my columns since almost day 1... might as well give SOME sort of shout to the site) I'm Chris and this is the Autistic "Pet Sounds". Right now, today, I owe WCW a LOT! Without WCW, I'd be stuck with no closer and a weak opener... now I'm all SET for the week. In fact, the openers are pretty damn jammed up this week. Okay, let's get something straight, because obviously, there seems to be some confusion here... It was a work! It was a total, complete, absolute, work! WORKWORKWORK. There was NOTHING real about it. The only "shooting" going on in that building were photographs. It was written, scripted, approved, rehearsed, and executed with clockwork precision. NO BREAKING KAYFABE ON THAT SHOW!!!!!! I don't give a F*CK what Ryder says, what Scherer says, Meltzer, Fritz Capp, Douche Boggs, Hiney Inyomouth, or Eaton Chit thinks.... it was a total front. All selling, not a SHRED of reality found it's way into that building even by accident. Want proof? I have none, you idiot... I'm a Wrestling Columnist. I can give you EVIDENCE tho' EXHIBIT A: You REALLY think WCW Lawyers would have allowed Russo to "shoot" and call Hogan a "Bald headed son of a bitch", and a "piece of shit" on live television? Do you REALLY think WC... F-that... TURNER'S LAWYERS would allow Russo to even mention ANYTHING about the contents of Hogan's contract on Live TV? They would have cut the entire transmission. You can't go out on Live TV and call someone names because the did nothing other than EXERCISE A PRIVILEGE GIVEN TO HIM IN HIS CONTRACT!!!! If Hogan has worked within the agreed upon and authorized bounds of his WCW Contract, then NO MEMBER OF WCW can publicly fault him for doing so. If this was a shoot, there would be NO COMMENT from ANYONE in WCW. Ryder and his pack of Douchebags wouldn't have TOUCHED the subject on their Internet show, the announcers would have pretended it never happened, and Russo would have been fired the second he walked out of the ring after they killed the transmission mid-speech. None of this happened. Right there is all you need to know that this was a stunt. Let me ask you something... if you were under contract with someone for your services; and in your contract, there was the specific stipulation that you must be served a Tuna Fish sandwich for Lunch every day. Well, one day, they wanted to serve you Turkey instead. You said no, you asked for Tuna, they agreed to give you Tuna, and you want Tuna. Do they have any right to stand up in the middle of your cafeteria and scream in front of everyone that you were a "piece of shit", a "son of a bitch" and then told you to "kiss their ass" because you had "Menu Control" in your contract and wanted your Tuna sandwich? What would you do? EXACTLY!! Russo's a moron... and so are you for buying this. EXHIBIT B: Hogan is Old School. Hogan was the Center of the carefully controlled, heavily manipulated WWF Universe a decade ago. Therefore, Hogan couldn't improvise even if it meant a luxurious head of hair for the rest of his life. If Hogan did NOT expect what happen to happen, he would NOT have picked up the mic and told Russo that this "bullshit is exactly why this company is going down the tubes", then put his boot over Jarrett's chest and got the pin. If Hogan was totally thrown by this, he would have looked around, jumped out of the ring, and walk away quietly. Look, his contract calls for TOTAL CONTROL of his angles. He's a CONTROL FREAK. Which means, if there's improv going on, he ain't going to be a part of it. EXHIBIT C: Russo's speech was SO overwrought, SO emotional. How about that little move where he stopped mid sentence and leaned his head against the ropes? I've seen Soap actors use more subtlety. His entire body language screamed WORKED SCENE!! EXHIBIT D: The Announcers. Hogan left the ring after the pin. We see the Announcers. Madden was sitting there patiently, realized his face was on camera, and dropped his jaw wide open. It was almost a split second moment, BUT IT WAS THERE!!! Then here comes the hyperbole... "Oh dear God, that was amazing!", "Ladies and Gentlemen, what you just saw was a shoot.". "I have never seen anything like this before in my LIFE!" . THEN... to make matters worse, during the Booker T "on the spot" title shot... Tony and Hudson began to make discreet comments about how Hogan IS the bad guy here and how Russo did the RIGHT THING. After YEARS of Nitro, do you REALLY expect Schiavone especially to be so... PREPARED for such a spontaneous event? Madden calls Penguin Hockey games, so he knows how to dance verbally... but come on. It all comes down to this... prepared improvisation does NOT exist, so it is IMPOSSIBLE to try to pull off There you go, everything you need to know to understand that this was a BOOKED ANGLE. BUT... let me finish by saying that if I am wrong, and this IS a "shoot"... then GOOD FOR ME!! Because unlike MOST of these wishy-washy Web Faggots who are too F-ing obsessed with making themselves seem superior, they can't bring themselves to take any definite stance on this subject without including, "I'm led to believe".. or "my gut tells me"... or " it all seems like a..." into their opinions, at least I took a definite side. They are all so afraid of being wrong that they can't take ANY sort of hard position. "If I say it's a shoot, and it ends up a work, I'll look... look.. FALLIBLE!!!! OH NO!!!!" F-You, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!! YOU PUSSIES!!!!!! I KNOW it's a work, I don't know for SURE, but I KNOW. This is the side I'm taking. If I'm wrong, and it's legit, WELL AT LEAST I TOOK A SIDE AND STAYED BY IT!!!! Bust my balls all you want if I'm wrong here, but at least you know that I HAVE the balls to make a decision and run with it. I DID NOT SIT ON THE FENCE LIKE A PUNK ASS BITCH!!!! Web Guys are the biggest Marks for themselves... I swear to Christ. Worse than any Super Model. Worse than any Actor. Worse than any Music Star. And if someone else DID take a definitive position on this, without any faltering, then you are excluded from my venom. This week's closer is about Hulk Hogan. Since I like to mix things up, it's more serious commentary. Think of it as a mini-"And Another Thing". No, it's not another "Farewell to Hogan", because he isn't going anywhere. I'm not even going to bash him. I'm going to put his career in a perspective that you might have not considered. You'll like it. Give it a try. Or don't. I really don't give a F**K anymore. Oh yeah, and RAW was on tonight too. I'm not in the best of spirits. The girlfriend and I are having a mini-tiff. I'm just biding my time before we can officially become a "couple" by having our first bout of "makeup sex"... until then, I'm in a foul mood. And what is this SHIT with other writers now talking about THEIR girlfriends, now? I thought I have become stale, and boring? THEN WHY AM I STILL BEING RIPPED OFF???? Let's jump into it. RAW IS WAR: (or: A Clique... TORN APART!!) -opening theme. No fancy video footage that culled last week's bit of action... obviously, this week will just be a replay then. Oh, I already smell a bomb. Oh... I'm so jaded. Oh... I need some Heroin... injected right into my nutsack. -Fans, Fireworks, Fury. They are in San Jose, California. Which means that we should have a building TEEMING with CRZ signs!!!!!!!! THE HOMETOWN CROWD GIVES PROPS TO AN INTERNET LEGEND!!!!!!!!! -err... I see one sign that reads "Lick My Balls"? Does that count? -San Jose... obviously named for the great pioneer, "Saint HoseA"!! Of course, he discovered this area with his brother, but "Saint HoseB"... much like Pete Best... was given the shaft. The poor bastardio is ignored. AT LEAST NAME A PUBLIC TOILET AFTER HIM, YOU PRICKS!!!!! -Kicking things off, out comes Shane McMahon with Chris Benoit. Remember, this is the NEW WWF!!! A FRESH NEW PUSH FOR FRESH NEW FACES!!! THERE IS NO GLASS CEILING WITH THIS COMPANY, DAMMIT!!! -Until Hogan comes back, of course... then Benoit will spend the rest of the year fighting Midean. -Shane is dressed in black, because he isn't the trimmest man to ever walk down the aisle. Benoit has his spandex tights on... to show off his ass. Hey, if I had an ass like that, I'd wear spandex 24/7 too. I'd wear them everywhere... to work, to the supermarket, to church, to court, to prison. -Is that a cucumber in Benoit's tights or is he really glad to stand next to Shane? (Being a Canadian... it's a toss up. Hell, being with Nancy Sullivan makes it all suspect! ) -They both hit the ring. Shane smugly waits out a chant of "CRZ, CRZ" (ahh.. if wishes were horses) before saying, "Whatever" and getting on with things. -He knows what we all were wondering... (How could he know that I was wondering how many 9 Volt batteries I can fit up my rectum?) -Then he assumed that we were all wondering why he, the "man who will lead the WWF into the new Millennium" (yeah, like this sport will make it past 2015... RIGHT!!) would hitch his wagon to a mumbling, undynamic, uncharismatic, WCW refugee with a missing tooth, form CANADA... no less? -He said the reason was because... they were friends. Friends in this cut throat world of pro wrestling. Where it's EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF????? MY GOD!!! IT BOGGLES THE MIND!!! He admires everything Benoit stands for. He's goal oriented, has deadly focus, cold hearted, absolutely RUTHLESS... -Chris Benoit is an "equal opportunity offender"!! THAT is what Benoit stands for. (He's also pro-choice, pro-gun, anti-censorship, and thinks Gays should be banned from the Military. Interestingly enough, he also supports the existence of Land Mines... his exact quote was "Screw Princess Di... who's gonna miss a few blown up Vietnamese? Blow ‘em ALL to Hell, I say!") -Shane gives us footage of the beating Benoit laid down on "Chyna" (SEE!!! SEE!!! THE SYMBOLISM IS RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!) -We also see footage from when Benoit took out the Rock. Shane did play by play by basically using every mono syllable word known to man that ended with the letters "am"... (WHAM, BAM, DAM, CRAM, SLAM, .... err... PLAM) -Shane told Benoit that he can't blame the Rock for ducking him. Especially since what happened at "Smackdown"!! Ahh, lucky us... footage! -Benoit got on the stick and thanked Shane for the nice words. Clearly stating that he is "honored" to call the Boss's son a "friend" (yeah, ride that train baby) -"And", Benoit continued, "so long as you don't book your wife as my personal Valet... I see NO reason why this friendship can't continue!!" -Benoit said the Rock was NO friend of his (racist PIG!!!) -Benoit does not have friends who are "cowards". He does NOT have friends who hide behind women's skirts. He does NOT have friends who won't admit that he is simply the best technical wrestler in the WWF!!!" -Hmm, he hates p-whipped, jealous cowards? I guess I can't expect a Christmas card from him this year now. -sadly, that was the best I could come up with. -So, tonight, he is asking the Rock, to proof him WRONNG!!! Rocky is p-whipped? -Oh no, he isn't asking Rocky to put up the TITLE... tonight... no. -"But if I BEAT you... mwahahahahahahaaa... and I will!" (sigh... WILL SOMEONE HIRE ARN AND GET THIS GUY OFF THE MICROPHONE PLEASE!!!!!!!!) -Then he will want a WWF title shot at Fully Loaded. As I blunder from direct quotes to third person prose with all the skill of a Geocities writer still struggling to get out of the 8th grade. - "mwhahahahahaa" (??) -By the way, Benoit reminded us that Mick Foley isn't there tonight. He's on a Goodwill Tour of Southeast Asia. ("We rike the Lock!"). Here's hoping he steps on a few of those awesome Land Mines! -Benoit also hoped Foley eats some bad Shit-Zu and gets a case of Dysentery... hang on now, here comes the punchline... GO GET ‘EM CRIPPLER... -So then, Mick Foley can be able to talk out of both ends... at the same time... just like... the ROCK!!! (pause... waiting for the rim shot, no doubt) -The Rock's music comes on... not a moment too soon... to salvage this disaster in the making. -Rocky steps out in a new T-shirt. Friggin' Booker T up and stole his entire wardrobe. Were it not for this new shirt just waiting to be marketed, Rocky might have been forced to wear that black shirt he used briefly early last year. The one he wore while his chest heeled from getting those Samoan "Bitch Tits" cut out before the developed. -Rocky stayed at the entrance way. You could CUT THE TENSION WITH A KNIFE!!! (in all fairness... it was a butter knife... a dull butter knife... more like a spoon actually... a spoon made out of Play-Doh) -Rocky has a mic and says that Benoit likes to run his mouth (umm... which Benoit would this be? The Bizarro Benoit?) -The Rock has no problem proving Benoit wrong... because if Benoit thinks he's better than the Rock... he's WRONG!!!!! (eww... dialogue from Hell) -Rocky called Shane a "silver spoon, puffy cheek, punk ass, SON OF A B(bleep)" ("punk ass" made it out clearly... will wonders ever cease?) -Of course, Rocky will be happy to come on out in about an hour and 50 minutes and whip some Candy Ass all over San Jose. Benoit did what Benoit does best. Stood there twisting his mouth and showing off his killer traps. -Rocky said, "Just Bring It". Then left. "Just bring it"... I ALWAYS hear that one around major holidays when the family calls for one of those big get-togethers. I'm always stuck bringing soda. People whip up huge Pies, cakes, and pasta dinners... I tell them "I can make something huge like that!!!" All I hear is "No, you get soda. Just bring it." In all families, the resident Retard gets the Soda detail. Friggin' Family. One bag of potato chips and I ruin the entire menu. -It's all right... I bring piss warm RC Cola. That swill knocks them ALL on their asses. Let the burping begin. -Ross screams that we got us a main event for the evening. How do they pull it off EVERY WEEK???? -Suddenly, Eddie Guerrero and Chyna make their ONE appearance of the night and chase Shane and Benoit off with chairs. Eddies' got his OWN T-shirt to market. Meanwhile, Perry Saturn got the dates wrong and is still sitting in the "O-Rena" parking lot, waiting for the WWF trucks to arrive. -Chyna is smart enough to wait for the camera to hit her face before she demands that Benoit gets into the ring. -Ross goes by the numbers and raises his voice to "Ignore the Remote Control" levels and screams us off to the evenings first batch of... -commercials. Anyone else notice that even after months of ads during RAW, "Titan AE" STILL bombed at the box office? -cartoon graphics show the kids that Mick Foley is on the "Promotional World Tour" to such places as "Kuala Lumpur", "Jakarta", "Singapore", and "Hong Kong". They MAY be a quick visit to the Middle east to try to get Vader out of jail (you think he was fired on PURPOSE!!! IT WAS A COVER UP!!!!!), or at least so Mick can pay him a visit, rub his man tits up against the glass and moan "Oh Leeon" as Vader starts numbly pulling his pud. (3 years it took me to get that reference in there... 3 years). -umm, did anyone tell the WWF that Britain handed Hong Kong back over to the Communist Chinese regime? Or is Mick going to be in for a BIG shock when he lands? -Too Cool danced out. They danced with Lillian Garcia a little. -T & A came out with Trish Stratus. They were the second part of a Three Way match-up to decide who was going to do the thing with the whatzits. We also see how Trish and Lita have been getting it on as of late, including some "Heat" footage of Trish in a tank top. If Pam Anderson mated with a Fire Hydrant (and chances are... it's a distinct probability), the result would be Stratus. -The Hardyz came out with Lita. All three hit the ring. Lita charged after Trish. Trish ducked out and was chased around the ring. It's amazing that those pontoons don't knock her cowboy hat right off her noggin'. Or at least a few ringside fans. -Things in the ring calmed down and ended up basically Too Cool throwing everything they had at Albert, who sold about as well as Goldberg does when he's not feeling generous. -Test was tagged in. He ended up taking a "Corkscrew DDT" from Christopher. He bounced right back up and started staggering around like a guy who just saw his entire push as the Boss's Daughter's Fiancé get flushed down the toilet overnight. -Test snatched a tag off Matt Hardy. Hardy hit Christopher with a second rope variation of the TOP rope move Christopher always does (I'm calling it the "Flying Armbar" as a little F-YOU to a special reader.) -The Hardyz and Christopher exchange spots... then T & A got there way in there and the Hardyz took some. -Matt hit Test with the "Twist of Armbar" (SUCK MY CRANK!!! MARKS) then his Brother hit his "Armbon Bomb" (REPEAT AS DIRECTED) on Test... but Test wasn't the legal man. -Albert was. He gave Jeff that Choking Power Armbomb and rolled Test onto the kid... which means Test WAS legal... I think... no, wait. -In any case, the Hardyz were pinned. Speaking of staggering around as their push went down the crapper... -So it was T & A against Too Cool. Lita and Trish went at it. Albert yanked her away and yelled, "LEARN THE LANGUAGE DAMMIT" to her face (sigh... America wasn't built on this sort of INTOLERANCE!!! Go see that Mel Gibson flick if you don't believe me.) -Y'know, specifically to get off track here, I always thought Mel was bullet proof in the Box Office. Who would have thought that Clooney could out-gross Mel by almost TWICE as much money on opening weekend. -"The Perfect Storm". I haven't seen anyone get so soaked since the last time I went down on her during her monthly. -This resulted in the Hardyz flying into Albert... with Christopher joining them by way of Test... -This resulted in Scotty getting a Bulldog off on Test, then the Worm. -But TAZZ ran in and choked out Taylor. If you have an OUNCE of Testosterone, you should be cheering. -Test revived himself and gave Taylor the Flying Elbow. T & A won the match, so they are qualified for a tag title shot sometime before Clinton leaves office. -Backstage, a distressed DX bitch about their problems and how Foley is involved. The word "crap" was used generously. HHH orders Road Dogg to "take Jericho apart and get the job done". If he doesn't, then he is NOT to come back to the dressing room. Doggy was like, "whoa, WHOA.. Sahib... I haven't won a match this century yet... don't ask ME to part this particular red sea..." -commercials -Ross studies the videotape and ponders the quandary: "Why is Tazz inserting himself into matches that have nothing to do with him and ending them so that the Heels are clearly victorious?" This is followed by an equally curious puzzler, "Does Tazz have any African in his bloodline, or does he stay in the Tanning Booth's until they explode?" -Backstage, Kevin Kelly stops Tazz in his tracks to ask why he's such a muckety muck lately. Tazz hisses, "So NOW you want to talk to me? I don't think sooo!" Tazz leaves. Camera stares at Kelly's crotch looking for that inevitable wet stain. -Notice: 1) The camera did the "Upwards shot" so both men looked the same height. -Notice: 2) Kelly leaned against the wall to make it appear as if Tazz towered over him -Ponder: 1) How the F**K can Tazz succeed when he is actually smaller than Gary Coleman? -Road Dogg stepped out. The King of Rock huh? He enters the ring and made a threatening move towards Lillian Garcia. Down South, they call that "courting". -Y2J came out. Neither man said anything. Doggy charged out like a MAN POSSESSED!!!! (ooo, maybe it's the spirit of Owen? I said for no apparent reason at all) -Fight? They did. At the entrance way? Yes indeed. Road Dogg knocked him down, then mocked Jericho's "Back to the Camera" Crucifixion pose. Jesus died for THIS? -Jericho fought back and somehow dragged Road Dogg back into the ring. They went at it. DX were seen studying the match in the back. -Road Dogg went all Rambo and ignored the pain (oo, I am SO kayfabing). He mauled Jericho in the corner. NOT THE FACE!!!! NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!! -Jericho FOUGHT BACK!!! No he didn't. I was wrong. -Doggy owned it for much of the middle part. -Jericho ducked a roundhouse and went for the Walls of Jericho. Doggy called upon years of experience and poked him in the eyes. -Road Dogg with his "Shuck and Jive". Then he went for a top rope Armbarsault. He landed on Jericho's knees. -Jericho followed up with a Springarmbar Armbarsai and got the pin. -HHH was so made he THREW A FAKE PLANT AGAINST THE PROP WALL!!!! (I hear John Barrymore threw similar tantrums during plays.) -Backstage, the Undertaker roars in on his (wannabe) Hog. People dove out of the way. UT hit no pedestrians, but was able to smash into every Fruit Stand in the building. No, that was NOT a Patterson joke. -commercials -footage of what just happened. -Backstage, HHH told Doggy that he sucks. Road Dogg told HHH that he blows. X-Pac got in the middle and said they both suck AND blow in equal proportions. HHH stormed away in resigned defeat. -The Undertaker rides his bike in and around the ring. Ross set his program sheets on fire and said, "Well, we're shooting now, Folks!" -UT enters the ring and storms around with a mic. OO, maybe he'll call someone a "stank ass" -UT gets on the stick and admits that he's not about a lot of talking these days (As opposed to being a real Chatterbox back in the "deadman" days?) -No, he's not a talker. But when someone pisses him off, there will be Hell to pay. (I always wondered, how much does "Hell" go for anyway? In American dollars?) -He REALLY doesn't like people who are "afraid to fight"... (Did someone give him Benoit's script by mistake?) -Kurt Angle was his subject. He called the "American Hero" concept a big load of crap (YEAH!! Why not give Angle a REAL concept? Like an urn to worship?) -UT faulted Angle's "bogus ass" interference as the reason he is one half of the tag team title holders. -And did you forget the time when Angle dumped food and milk all over UT's new motorcycle? Well thankfully, he was there to remind us. -AND HE DIDN'T CLEAN IT OFF DAMMIT!!!! -So, UT says that if Angle has a beef with him, he isn't that hard to find. (So long as you don't look in the shower stalls) UT stands 6 foot 10. UT weighs 330 pounds. And he's usually kicking the Hell out of somebody. -So, UT will be "all damn to Hell" if he lets Angle hide behind some bogus apology that the UT does NOT accept. - "all damn to Hell"? WTF? -so... when the dead are brought back to life, do they ALL have a little Southern flavor in their accents? -In closing, UT felt it was time for the "American hero" to meet the "American Badass" and learn what it feels like to take a whippin', "Old School Style" (Are you ready for the 15 minute HEADLOCK??????) -Eventually, Kurt Angle came out. Of course, he didn't venture very far past the entrance way. -First off all, Angle officially apologized for wrecking the title match. -Second of all, Angle officially apologized for ruining UT's "motorbike". -Angle, "As they would say on the streets... ‘My bad'" (HAW!!! Too funny. The whitest white guy in America.) -funny, I thought "Is that your final answer?" was what they were saying on the street? -Lawler, "See!! He's hip! He's with it!" -Ross, "Ohh, he's as hip as I am!" (and THAT'S why we love JR) -Angle said that if UT really wants to fight, fine, they can fight. But a match of this magnitude should NOT be wasted in a town like San Jose! "It's True, It's True!" -Angle sets it up for the "Fully Loaded Match", but suspected that nobody really wants to see them go at it. -The crowd disagreed -Angle motioned to the crowd, "See what I mean?" -So, Angle asked us to think about it. The American hero against the American Badass... then stumbled around over whether UT was actually a Bad Ass after all, but not as to offend him. -He suggested that maybe the UT should "clean up his image" a little bit... and even though he doesn't accept Angle's apology, Angle still has a gift for the UT to help him clean up said image. Angle said that he would be right back, then split. -UT stalked around. Lawler and Ross ate up time. -Angle rode out on a Scooter. Complete with helmet. He told UT to forget about that gas guzzling Titan thing and check this baby out. -He revved it up. Ross said it sounded like a Lawn Mower. -He scooted around the ring once. Then stopped and asked UT to accept this gift from him as what a REAL American rides. -UT got back on his mic and said he's going to come down there and "kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew out your own ass for pissing me off!" (SAY WHAT????) -UT hopped down. Angle tore ass up the ramp. UT mounted his ride and roared up the ramp. Angle dropped the Scooter and took off. UT stopped at the Scooter. Got off it. Took the Scooter, and shoved it off the ramp and down onto the cement. -Ross, acting like this was another Hell in the Cell, "MY GOD ALMIGHTY, MY GOD ALMIGHTY!!! HE KILLED IT!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, IT IS BROKEN IN HALF!!!!" Then Ross broke character and demanded that Medics get off the butts and get out there. Then he insisted that they "stop the damn match!" -UT looked around and allowed his music to be played a bit. They showed footage of what just happened. Ross quipped that some idiot at home was saying, "They know how to fall!" -So far, that was the best "new" UT promo to date. -commercials -Hey!! "Go" is on HBO!! I really liked that movie. You should try to catch it. Good crap. -Oh yeah, and "Run Lola, Run" is playing on Cinemax this month. It's another cool flick about this bitch with bright red hair that has to come up with 100'000 marks in 20 minutes or her Boyfriend is dead. They play 3 different ways she handles her mission. She runs around a lot. Her name is "Lola". This is why the movie is not titled, "Walk Betty, Walk". -Smackdown footage of Tazz hitting Rikishi with a camera. -Footage of what just happened again. Ross demanded us to get out of our seats and give the Scooter a standing ovation. -Rikishi came out. He was about to vie for the Inter-Continental Championship. -ooo... my favorite part of "Go"... when the drug dealer cranks up the stereo with that eerie music (anyone know where I can get it?) and the chick takes off her shirt and spins around to show that she isn't wired. I try to do that all the time. "Baby, I gots to see you in your bra!! What if you work for the FEDS???" -Kane was in the ring when I flicked back. Thank GOD for his 9 minute introductions. -Val Venis came out with his hair cut short. I want ONE of you dinks to bring a sign saying, "WHO KILLED THE BIG VALBOWSKI???" And if you have room, add "DAMMIT" at the beginning or the end. -Val came out without Stratus. We are still PROMISED that these two kids are NOT bumping uglies. (The Valbowski is dead! LONG LIVE THE VALBOWSKI!) -Hey, the second hour has arrived. -Kane and Rikishi started off slamming into Val in the corner. Then Rikishi went for the quick "stinkface" on him. Kane stopped it. -The two big boys went at it. We are told that anyone can pin anyone here and become the IC champ. Hence the inherent danger of a 3 Way dance for the champion. Next week, Ross and Lawler MIGHT explain the differences between a "Street Fight", a "No DQ" Match, and an "Anything Goes" Match. -Kane dumped Val face first on the ring corner. Rikishi stopped the pin attempt that followed. -Val climbed to the top rope to give Rikishi a presumed "Abstinence" Shot. I say "presumed" because Kane caught him and knocked him down. Actually, I say "presumed" because it makes me feel like a Big Shot. -Rikishi tried to Bottom Bomb Kane. Val stopped it. -"Bottom Bomb"? -Kane tried to Chokeslam Kane. Rikishi headbutted him. -Val DDTed Kane on the ring floor. Then tried to hit ‘Kishi with the IC belt. ‘Kishi ducked and gave him a Belly to Belly. -Rikishi sat on Val's face. -Val responded by hitting Rikishi with the IC belt. The Ref DQed him. Suddenly, this match ended like pretty much every single Ric Flair title defense of the 80's. -Kane chokeslammed Val in disgust/outrage/obedience to the Book. -Backstage, Stephanie walks into the Men's Bathroom and sees HHH leaning his head against his ram, which was in turn leaning against the wall, with his back towards us. Stephanie tells him that everything's gonna be okay. HHH turns to her and announces that he has a plan. In a side observation, Stephanie looks awfully cozy inside the Men's John. -Earlier today, The Kat showed up at WWF New York. Ross said she will be "playing there"... do NOT miss her show stopping finale where she simultaneously spins several plates while singing a cover of "Makin' Whoopee" -Stuffherfacey came out with her Chick strap. From what I understand, half the Internet wants to F-her doggy style with a handful of her hair in their fists while the other half wants to "take her out on a Romantic evening and treat her like a lady"... this is a good way to tell which Internet writer has been laid in this century or the in the one behind us, and which ones haven't. -Me? I want to take her out for a Romantic, candlelit dinner, just so I can sodomize her with the candle... melting end first. Take THAT for what it's worth. -She gets on the mic and says that she has a "proposition" for Chris Jericho. She wants him to come down to the ring so they can make up. -She admits that Jericho has said some Godawful things about her in the past... and she in turn, said and DID some Godawful things to HIM in turn... -But Steph has a secret. Even though Hunter might get jealous of this, at KOTR, when Jericho laid that big kiss on her... well, she kind of liked it. (I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A PUDDLE IN THE RING AFTERWARDS!!!!) -So, she invited Jericho out there to "kiss and make up" -Jericho showed up on screen and said that he was all revved up from the kiss too... and it's been the only thing he's thought about since. He said her couldn't wait to get his hands on her "shapely, curvaceous, mulcritunitous (??? I think that means fat) female form and hold it next to his and squeeze it for everything he's got!" -Hey girls... if he calls you "curvaceous"... it mean you can stand to drop about 20 pounds. Have a rib or two removed too, while you're at it. -Jericho said he was coming right out, then looked at his pelvis region and added, "Provided I don't embarrass myself". Then he told "sugar muffin" to wait right there. -Stephanie stood in the ring with her eyes closed and her lips puckered. I was hoping some yokel would try to charge in and get a little something off her. Then you WILL know what it's like to see someone's ass get "stomped". -Hell, they might even inject the poor soul with the AIDS virus, just to teach everyone a lesson. -Jericho's ticker and theme came on. -Next thing we see, Road Dogg and X-Pac are at the entrance way, looking around for Jericho. Ross put two and two together and said, "This looks like a damn TRAP!!!" (You THINK???) -Jericho showed back up on screen and goofed on DX for such a lame trap. He reminded Stephanie that not only was she a... (sigh, this'll take an hour to transcribe)... a "filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, skanky, bottom feeding, trashbag HO" but she is ALSO a "rancid, reeking, foul smelling, piece of Road Kill"!!! -He told HHH that he KNOWS why he's so pissed... it's because Jericho got more action in that ten second kiss than he got in the 10 months that they've been together (I can believe that). -Jericho called "Trip" that Y2J will give him all the action at Fully Loaded that he can handle, "Jerky". because even though HHH is STILL the "Game", Jericho has officially become "The Hunter". (Alas, no one has dibs on becoming "The Jean Paul") -HHH said that even if this doesn't happen tonight, it WILL happen at Fully Loaded and "YOUR ASS IS MIIIINE-A" -Moving briskly along, Edge and Christian say that their title match against the Acolytes "reeks of... heinousity". Then Christian suddenly came down with a case of the sniffles and decided to take himself out of the tag match and instead, turn this into a one on one NON-TITLE match between Edge and one of the brawlers. It took Edge a few moments of explaining to see the point. Ross smelled a rat. Ross isn't batting 1000 today. -commercials. Box Office wise, "Loser" seems to be the appropriate title. -We are reminded that Mick Foley is currently explaining the art of a Democratic Political Machine to those Chinese Mouth Breathers. If Foley achieves World Peace, I'm stowing myself away on the next shuttle to Mars. -Backstage, HHH and X-Pac argue until the almost come to blows. X-Pac brings up the Brooklyn Brawler (Oh, that rat bastard). HHH books a match between them right on the spot. Shawn and Kevin would have NEVER tolerated this. -Edge came out with Christian. -The Acolytes came out. Bradshaw was the one chosen to fight Edge. -and so they did. -Here's a cool sequence: After Bradshaw tossed Edge around some, he went for the powerbomb. Edge rolled up and over Bradshaw and tried for the Sunset Flip (how did they come up with that name anyw... oh, right... because the rolled down like the sun sinks down on the horizon... I just figured that out as I wrote it.) Bradshaw grabbed Edge's throat and did that Choking powerbomb. Now that I think about it, it wasn't all that an impressive sequence. I apologize for including it in this week's column. While I'm at it, I apologize for this week's column in general. -Bradshaw went for the Superplex, but Christian knocked him down. Faarooq took out Christian, Edge jumped at Bradshaw. Bradshaw lumbered him over into a PowerArmbar. He went for the pin, but the Ref was too busy telling Faarooq to keep his ass away from the white people. Christian hit Bradshaw with the ring bell and Edge got the pin. -At some point during this match, Ross finally had enough and told Lawler that he's hornier than Eddie Murphy at a Shoe Store (ahh... there's a reference that expired sometime during Nitro's reign at the top. Jam your nose against the screen and you can smell the sour odor of a curdled joke. If you REALLY want rancidness, wait until the Nitro recap where I jam a "Twin Peaks" reference awkwardly somewhere). -Backstage, the Hardyz tell Lita that she will have a field day with Trish Stratus tonight. -Backstage, Venis, Test, and Albert decide that Albert has to be the one to tell Trish that Foley left orders that she was to be left alone in the ring, but assured her that Lita will be and easy ride for her tonight. They are working a Street Fight. -All three pump Trish up. Trish leaves. Smiling, Albert asks if she does have any sort of chance? Test and Val reply together, "No chance in Hell." It was a funny moment, ruined by Lawler's YAPPING!!!! (Why take lessons form SCHIAVONE???) -commercials -Backstage, Road Dogg tries to calm down X-Pac. X-Pac was busy stretching his hamstrings, and we all know that once those hams are stretched, there is simply no reaching the ferret look-a-like. Road Dogg made it's loud and clear that he will have no part of this. -Trish Stratus comes out. Once again, I am frustrated with all the "T"s, "S"s, and "R"s that I have to type in order to get her name out. -To be honest, I have yet to write her name properly without going back and correcting an misspelling. Once, for some unHoly reason, I typed it "Trisl Stra9?is" Look at your keyboard and you'll see how tough that was to accidentally pull off. -Lita ran out and made chase. The bell rang. -Lita sat on Trish and flailed away. -Lita with a Moonarmbar from the top rope. -Trish's top came off. Lita went for the rest of the package when... -Alarms blared off... did they hire Scott Steiner overnight? -No, Stevie Richards ran out furiously shaking his head, pulled Trish out of there, and covered her with a sheet. -TURN OFF THOSE F-ING ALARMS!!!!!!!!! -thank you. -At the top of the entrance, Richards tell the crowd, and us, that we don't know what's best for us, but he does. Crowd calls him an "asshole". Ross starts his speech about censorship, and Anti-American behavior. Then Ross screamed, "CHUCK HESTON FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!" -Sign spotted that says "PTC" with a slash through it. What the Hell is wrong with a "Parent/Teacher Conference"? HOW ELSE ARE WE TO GIVE OUR KIDS THE BEST EDUCATION POSSIBLE??? THE JAPS HAVE THEIR 12 YEARS OLD CURING CANCER ALREADY!!!! -Stevie R declared this match to be over. I officially declare this gimmick to be over once Raven shows up. -Side observation: Anyone else think that maybe they styled Richards' new "do" just so he resembles a clean shaven Vince Russo? -There is no truth to the rumor that this new character is based on Remy "The Slammer" Artiega. -Actually, there's no rumor at all. I just started it. NOW SPREAD IT LIKE WILDFIRE, MY SYCOPHANTS!!! -Backstage, Road Dogg tries to calm down HHH. HHH was busy in the bathroom stretching his pecker, and we all know that once that pecker is stretched, there is simply no reaching the Anteater look-a-like. Road Dogg made it's loud and clear that he will have no part of this. -commercials. Ever wonder why Anheiser/Bush has yet to throw a Budweiser ad on WWF programming? Neither did I until right this very moment. -The XFL is coming to San Jose. CRZ gonna be recapping that TOO? He recaps friggin' everything else. (I hope their properly paying the dude) -Oo, there's the Quarterback! And he's WALKING. -Hey look, it's the Cheerleaders! -during the break. Road Dogg washed his hands of this and left the building. -HHH came out with his Wife. -X-Pac came out alone. -They start mouthing off. It's a face off. -DAMMIT BOYS!!! KEVIN NASH IS STILL 18 MONTHS AND ONE WEEK AWAY FROM RETURNING!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO KEEP IT TOGETHER UNTIL THEN!!!!! -They shoved each other. Somewhere, Bret Hart is laughing. (Assuming he hasn't kicked in his TV screen already, which has become a weekly ritual for him) -X-Pac knocks down HHH. The Clique is dead. - HHH gets up and knocks down X-Pac. -They fight at the Announce table. Lawler screams, "COME ON GUYS!!! YOU'RE DX!!! YOU'RE LIKE BROTHERS EVEN THOUGH YOU SHARE NARY A SCANT CHROMOSOME ANYWHERE IN YOUR BLOODLINE!!!!" -The good news... just because they now hate each other does NOT mean that they are going to stop passing Torrie around after every show! I had to check with some sources for that info. Thanks Al! I knew you still loved me! -They went a while longer. X-Pac spent much of it on the mat. -Then he went for the Bronco Buster. HHH moved. I blame the Glass Ceiling. -HHH ended up out of the ring. Jericho popped out and kicked him a few times. X-Pac looked at him and pointed out behind him. Jericho turned around. -Road Dogg gleefully came down the aisle with a sledge hammer. Ahh, it was ALL a set-up!!! Not a bad one either! -Jericho got the snot kicked out of him. He also got the sledge hammer rammed in his gut a few times. He ate a blood capsule. Blood then poured from his mouth. At one point, Jericho's capsule flew out of his mouth. He rolled over, picked it up, and put it back in. It was all clear on camera. It looked like a tooth. -The beatdown was long. Ross used every "This is an Outrage" phrase in his arsenal, many of them a few times. We'd all be rich if we got a dollar for every time he screamed, "THIS IS A DAMNED ASSAULT" -DX finally left. Jericho was covered in red. Again, I am reminded of the few times I did my manly duty and muff dived into the "red sea". Sick? Yes. Disgusting? You bet'cha. Necessary? Alas... yes... alas. -commercials -Footage of this latest disaster -We see Jericho being wheeled into an Ambulance with a giggling DX looking on. -back at "WWF New York". The Cat is seeing how it's like to get sweaty with someone born AFTER the Cuban Missile Crisis. -Backstage, Benoit and Shane McMahon were getting focused. -Repeat the above "-" but replace Shane and Benoit with the Rock -commercials -Ross and Lawler tell us that USA will be showing the movie "Sliver" Tuesday night. Ah yes... "Sliver"... the movie which showed us all that Sharon Stone is the CONSUMATE one trick pony. -Shane McMahon escorted Chris Benoit out. If any of you bastards popped when you were supposed to, it would be the Big Show out there... damn you people. -The Rock came out. -They got it on. -It's 10:58... so this should take 8 minutes. -Rock catches Benoit with an elbow off the ropes. -He follows that up with a Powerslam. -Rocky runs into an elbow and then takes an Atomic Arm Bar. -Benoit with the Bridge Arm Bar. Rocky kicks out of the pin attempt. -Benoit with chops and forearms in the corner. -Snap suplex followed by a pin. Rocky finds something inside to kick out. -Another pair of chops. The crowd chants, "WHOO". Shane whips around and screams, "WRONG COMPANY, FUDGE PACKERS!!" -Rocky goes chest first into the corner, then takes two of Benoit's patented "Repeated Germanic Dragon Armbarplexes". Exactly one person is loving this recap right now. The rest of you are getting ready to e-mail me about how you stopped reading months ago, but still want to write in and tell me how I suck even tough you haven't read me at all this century, but can still FEEL the suckage every time you see the column posted. -Rocky fights out of the third attempt of that "Repeated Germanic Dragon Armbarplexes", and gives Benoit a Belly to Belly. -Ross says that they have no update on Jericho's condition yet. The damn ambulance must be caught in traffic. Ross demanded all motorists to clear the roads before Jericho dies. Lawler didn't have the heart to tell Jimbo that their feed doesn't carry into car radios. -Rocky and Benoit trade punches. Rocky wins it and hits the DDT. -Rocky with the Spine Armbarrer. He prepared for the Elbow. -Shane grabbed the ref and yanked him out of the ring. He knocked him down, then took off his shirt to reveal a Referee shirt.. (sigh... same crap, week after week) -Rocky chases Shane around the ring. Shane runs into the ring. Rocky chases him. Benoit hits him. Benoit goes for the Crossface. -Fans chanted "ROCKEE, ROCKEE"!! (Hey Marks... THAT ONLY WORKS FOR HOGAN!!!!!!) -Rocky draws strength from the fans and crawls to the ropes. (Don't I feel like an F-Ing A-Hole right now.) -Rocky grabs the ropes, loses them and his hand hits the mat. Shane calls for the Bell. Tap Out. Benoit wins. -say, anyone else look at Benoit and see a PERFECT feud for Shamrock? -Benoit stays with the Crossface for a few moments. Ross screams bloody murder. -The match is over. Benoit gets a MAJOR victory under his belt. It's perfect logic and a PERFECT set up for the Fully Loaded Match. Benoit now is getting the big push he's DESERVED FOR A LONG TIME!!! BRAVO WWF!!! BRA-F-ING-VOOOO -Lillian Garcia gets on the stick and says that the old Ref woke up and reversed the decision so that Rocky is the one that wins. DAMN YOU WWF!!! DAMN YOU AND THAT GLASS CEILING ALL TO HELL!!!!! -Benoit goes back into the ring. Rocky attacks him. Referees are out and break it up. Benoit and Shane walk way. The Rock is rolling around the ring. Ross calls him a "wounded animal". That's awfully racial of him, isn't it? -The show ends. Umm... sure. Okay. The kids are getting pushed. The vets are helping to put them over. We'll REALLY see if there's a glass ceiling if the UT, HHH, and Rock all walk away victorious. Then we'll see the real score. It was an acceptable outing. Nitro has a lot of interest built up in it (WORK DAMMIT!!!! IT'S A WORK!!!), so we'll see I guess.