Raw Mop Up Cont'd ... by Chris Hyatte

More, more, always more! 8/17/98 - Hanging on to the job by his foreskin.....Michael Kole has returned with a newfound attitude....NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!!!!! THIS TIME, COME HELL OR HIGHWATER, HE IS GONNA GRILL THE SUPERSTARS AND GET THE ANSWERS THAT WE FANS WANT.....NAY...NEED TO KNOW!!!!! GO GET 'EM MIKEY!! - Then they cut away from him.....if you listened hard enough, you could hear Kole's heart break......even on a one week delay - Gangrel comes out to an AMBITIOUS fire display entrance....he's taking on Brian Christopher. - Gangrel's gimmick is to drink blood, let it wash all over his shirt...and spit some out to the fans....isn't that how AIDS got started in the first place? - We see the Edge looking on and looking PISSED...(WHAT THE CHRIST?? ISN'T THIS MY GIMMICK...SORT OF? MY GOD!!! HE RIPS OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!! I RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!! MY GOD!!! DOES BISCHOFF OFFER HEALTH BENEFITS????? - Gangrel won....with a driving DDT move....I SWEAR...he looks JUST like Corky from "Life Goes On". - This is it....Kole knows the deal here...he has to deliver first rate sound bites, quotes, and hard answers from the wrestlers....his job, family, house...his ENTIRE LIFE IS ON THE LINE!!!!!! First up for the new, improved, Take No Prisoners Michael Kole is Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman...GO GET 'EM MIKEY!!!!!!!! - Shamrock yells something incoherently and starts breaking stuff in a rage...Kole runs away like a girl. His children are having sleep for dinner tonight. - we see DX waiting to get interviewed... - commercials - DX didn't get very far in the interview before the Nation ran out and started to jam......gotta give X-Pac credit...he's the smallest one there, yet he goes RIGHT for Mark Henry. - The DOA took on Faarooq and Scorpio....Bill Clinton was on the phone....I can't think of a better time to see what Nitro is up to. - commercials - I THINK that this is wear they showed a spot for Droz's World....with a kid saying, "Hey, if he hurls, then he's cool!"...couldn't agree with you anymore son....couldn't agree with you anymore...ALL HAIL MALE BULIMIA!!!!!!!!! IT'S GOTTEN ME OUT OF MORE THAN A FEW JAMS, BY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Time for da' street fight 'tween DX and the Nation (God..I am SO hip). Here comes DX......HHH asks us if we are ready. Then tells us to give them fellatio....or something like that - Here comes the Nation....it's a 3 on 4 jam..but that suits Ross just fine. - And yes.....cookie trays are NOT exclusive to WCW alone...EVEN THOUGH THEY BLOODY WELL SHOULD BE!!!!! - We heard Maivia say LOUDLY and CLEARLY, "Piece of SH*T" after disposing of Road Dog for a bit. - Even in the middle of all this UNGODLY DESTRUCTION!!!!! (man....I've been listening to Schiavone waaay too much)..Maivia was still able to pull off the People's Elbow on Road Dog...he even laid a cookie sheet over Doggy's face...unfortunately, Maivia accidentally kicked it away as he jumped over him.....which I'm sure pissed him off to no end. - Jeff Jarrett showed up to fudge with X-Pac...and to help move along the all encompassing, "PROJECT: GET JARRETT A MIGHTY PUSH OVER PHASE III" (Jeeze....Even I'm lost here) - Southern Justice showed up too.. X-Pac lost some hair - HHH's mouth was REALLY gushing blood....word is that backstage, Gangrel popped a major boner...as did Patterson...but Patterson ALWAYS(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) so damned LOVABLE! - I think the Nation won.....but nobody was pinned. HHH was left with a ladder propped up over him. It's a little something us writers like to call "DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING" kids.....THAT is your word(s) for the week. - Somewhere in this mess....we crossed over into the second hour...bet'cha Clinton's speech KILLED the ratings for both shows...I know I watched it. - commercials - We see HHH being helped out. - Tiger Ali Sing and Abu hits the ring...we see Sunday Night Heat from last night where a fan ate a worm...remember when DiBiase did that? The worst thing HE'D make someone do was get on their knees and bark like a dog. - Sing badmouthed Americans for having no "pride, class, or morals"......how dare that SUMBITCH SAY THAT WE HAVE NO PRIDE!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE SO MUCH PRIDE THAT IT SQUIRTS OUT OF OUR ASSH&^%* - As for class or morals....can't argue with him there. - then he said that we were "lazy, fat, and in poor physical condition" - umm....gotta agree with that too...but it's just too damn bad that WE RULE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE THE REST OF THE GLOBE PISSING THEIR PANTS BABY!!!!!! WE SAY JUMP AND THE REST OF THE WORLD SCREAMS "HOW HIGH" OH MASTER!!!!! IF THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS ONE BIG HOOKER, WE WOULD BE GETTING FREE BLOW*&%S FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!!!!!!! USA, USA, USA, USA!!!!!!! - alas....we ARE the country that has "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan as our American representative.....I mean, since the Patriot disappeared....so we can't crow too much. And our president likes to pork porky chicks...so....maybe...well...oh all right...I admit it...WE SUCK!!!!! WE SUCK!!!!! - damnit - So it was $500 for the person who licks Abu's sweaty feet (he's been working out all day)..For one second...I thought he was going to pick a black kid....which would have sent Civil Rights back about...oh..200 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!! - They picked a kid....a WHITE kid...thank God. - The kid licked up Abu's toes...there was white balls (corns I guess) sprinkled throughout his feet..the kid did it...and he was damned happy to do so. - We see Sable warming up.. - We see commercials - we see Dustin Runnels do his thing...am I the only one smart enough to realize that the sign he was holding called "HE is Coming" is referring to Jesus Christ? It's a popular sign among the religious set.....(and of course Jesus is coming....who else is gonna stop Dillenger? YOU?) - we see Sable warming up s'more - we see Jacky issue a challenge during Sunday Night Heat...it was one of those verbal battles between the chicks that I find endlessly hilarious.....damn shame I didn't watch it. - Sable comes out with the trophy and her breasts. - Jacky comes out with just her breasts...and thank Heavens for THAT. - They lock up for the arm wrestling match...screw the Brawl For All controversy...THIS IS THE WORKED MATCH!!!! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT JACKY SHOULDN'T CRUNCH WHITEY'S HAND INTO MUSH!!!! LOOK AT THOSE DAMN ARMS!!!! - Eventually..a frustrated Jacky pushed the table against Sable and dropped her to the ground with the table on top of her gut...a few inches higher and those Twin Peaks would have erupted...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES PEOPLE!!!! MOUNTS SAINT SABLE IS EXPLODING!!!!!!! RUN BEFORE YOU DROWN IN SILICONE!!!!! - Ugh...even I'll admit..that line sucked. - Then Jacky broke the trophy into pieces over Sable's back.....Mero and the Oddities charged....Luna oversold the crap out of it by crying in hysterics...(What is Luna? a...a...a...LESBO???? GOOD GOD..THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!) - Then again...'tis the season....."Lesbian Chic" et all - Some cold water splashed on the face...a new pair of knickers..and a one on one "session" with Patterson...and Michael Kole is ready to earn his keep...THIS time, he's talking to Val Venis. For once and for ALL...Venis is GONNA COME CLEAN WITH THE TOUGH QUESTIONS PROVIDED BY MICHAEL "SCOOP" KOLE.... - Venis didn't come with jack squat...Hell, he didn't even "come"...(I wonder if Remy and Al will let me get away with THAT innuendo). Kole went looking for some Kool Aid and Cyanide. - Where is that damn Undertaker? Ross wants to know. - Here comes Puke for the Brawl 4 All - same thing as above...except replace Puke with Bradshaw... - Round 1: I think they both just closed their eyes and went windmill on each other - Round 2: Same thing as round one - Round 3: ditto - Bradshaw won...don't know, don't care - Video spot...followed by spot in a bar with Al Snow talking to his Head. Al bitched about having to leave ECW for this crap again....(I SWEAR...SOMEBODY IN TITAN MUST HAVE READ MY CLOSER LAST WEEK) - Oh yeah...Lawler said the word (letters?) ECW when talking about Snow....something I never DREAMED he would say again on WWF television. - WHERE IS THAT FRIGGIN' UNDERTAKER?????? Ross is now getting MAD. - Sable is MAD too..and she's marching her ass to the ring. - commercials - maybe NOW is when Dustin Runnels did his little thing.....you think I can keep up with all this endless CRAP??? - Sable is in the ring...challenging Jacky... - Jacky and Mero on the big screen...she ain't coming out...but she'll do it at Summerslam.....then the Oddities attack.....yadda, yadda, yadda - Kole does something of no significance...as is the norm. - commercials - here comes Val Venis carrying what LOOKS to be a giant dildo...he grabs the mic and encourages all women to "shout it out"... - Val is running the Kaientai gauntlet...one at a time.....Tao comes out first.....down he goes...(I mean in a PINFALL...YOU SICKOS!!!!!!!) - The other guy comes out....Venis takes him out b4 I can finish writing this sentence. - Then Togo runs out...Lawler gets Clinton on the phone...oy - It takes Veenee baby a bit, but he eventually takes out Togo....then out comes Michinoku - It's a pretty good match really...and Venis REALLY showed his stuff....but obviously, orgies are NOT Val's specialty...and he certainly can NOT go on indefinitely...'cause Taka scored the win. - After the match....Kaientia and Domo Yamaguchi hit the ring and attacked... - Then that lil Yamaguchi Flower San comes out...looking slutty as HELL all up in dat black dress......she slaps Venis in the face. - Venis rolls over to a corner..picks up the dildo..and starts spraying everyone with this....um.....white stuff. Kaientia ran like Hell..but the Little Geisha Girl....probably not used to this sort of treatment (SHE'S USED TO HAVING MEN FALL ALL OVER THEMSELVES TO KISS HER FEET....WELL IT DOESN'T WORK HERE LITTLE SISTER!!!!! HOW DOES IT FEEL MISSY??? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE SOMEONE TREAT YOU LIKE YOU TREATED MEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE???? YOU THINK YOU CAN DUMP ME FOR THAT LITTLE GOOFY ASS STUPID MORON PUERTO RICAN NAMED CARLOS, MICHELLE?? F-YOU YOU PIG..YOU BIG DUMB COW!!!! YOU WERE LOUSY IN BED TOO..YOU JUST LIED THERE LIKE A SLUG AND DEMANDED THAT I PLEASE YOU FOR HOURS ON END...NOW I HAVE THE LAST LAUGH YOU FAT LITTLE SOW..F-YOU, I HOPE YOU GET PREGNANT AND GO ON WELFARE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE..YOU ARE NOTHING YOU SMELL LIKE TUNA!!!!!!! AND YOUR ROOTS ARE SHOWING TOO!!!!!!) - By the way...Lawler said, "Venis just sprayed Kaientia with his DNA!!!"...it would have been LINE OF THE NIGHT....but Nitro has that honor...along with SIGN OF THE NIGHT - footage from earlier tonight with Austin...because we are TOO F'K'N STUPID TO REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED..... - Undertaker's music played....suddenly, the UT materializes in the ring. Bad editing - Austin comes out....I guess this is what Tony referred to as the 12 second main event...of course...Tony failed to remember that HE IS A TOTAL DOUCHEBAG AND THAT....whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa,WHOA.....We can save that for the Nitro Mop-Up. - Out comes Austin.....Ross issues Schiavone a little "F-YOU" by screaming that this is NOT a 12 second match...it's a 12 second CONFRONTATION...which makes ALL the difference in the world. - UT's back is to Austin's.....Austin yells at him... - The corner posts explode.....IT'S KANE DRESSED AS THE UNDERTAKER!!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!!!!!! - I have never felt more ashamed of myself than the moment after I typed that above missive. - Kane chokeslams Austin.....normally..men would be dead after that...but NOT when the T-shirt market is hanging in the balance! - One thing leads to your mother then.... - Austin gets Kane to the Hearse and stuffs him in. Austin tries to open the driver door....but it's locked..he peeks in. - THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ IS BEHIND THE WHEEL!!!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???? - oh..of course not... - UT WHIPS his head around in a bit of melodrama that would have William Shatner say, "Damn, That....is over....ACTING!" - "Highway to Hell" blares as UT drives off...leaving Austin to wonder what the fu&^ is happening and leaving Ross to find some way to scream, "MY GOD, THE CARNAGE!" - The show endeth Well, it was better than last week. I don't care WHO says it..the WWF is NOT a one trick show...with Austin being the trick. This week, Austin was in a more cursary role...coming in early in the beginning and late at the end. I liked it..but it's up against a HIGHLY anticipated Nitro with the debut/return of.....some guy. So, we forge ahead...let's go..we got some forging to do. LET US FORGE. Away we forge....Forge away we.....It won't get forged unless we get off our asses and start FORGING damnit. Let's forge...NOW!! Chris Hyatte
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