Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Read the RAW Mop-Up first kids...8/19/98
Okay, here's the Dealie-Yo....
I get this letter from this guy:
"I don't think you should be doing the Monday Nitro Mop Ups cause you don't like WCW. I don't like hearing you putting down WCW when WWF is even worse. You should stop doing the Nitro Mop Up and get someone else to do it as long as they like or even respect WCW. WCW is the best Wrestling organization. WOLFPACK could kick the sh*t out of DX GOLDBERG could kick Stone Colds ass. THE GIANT could destroy the Undertaker"
Ozzy324@AOL.com: (Mop-Up Reader, Booking Genius, and the only boy on the PLANET with a poster of Eric Bischoff hanging on his wall).
So, I answer him back with this....
"Hey nitwit, I said that last week's Nitro was a good show and I gave it the week!
You think you can do a better job? Go for it. Send me a recap of Nitro and I'll post it."
Then he came back with...
"Fine expect my Mop Up on Tuesday. It'll be better than yours and WCW fans won't get pissed about it."
Well guess what? Here it is, 11:00 Tuesday night and the kid hasn't sent me anything. What's the matter buddy boy? Couldn't do it? Couldn't handle recapping a 3 hour show? Guess what kiddo..I do 5 hours and I pull it off (almost) every week.....and not just me....guys like Petrie and Zimmerman also can pull it off...(of course..I put a wee bit more effort into mine....but that's not the point).. What? I'm supposed to wait for you? How long? Until midnight? 1 AM? 2? 3???? Sorry pal, but I don't have time for you to put together something crappy which would probably generate more hate letters than normal for me. Next time you take me up on an offer wussbag.....go through with it..and don't douche out at the last minute. It's "Show and Tell" baby....you tell me everything but don't show me SHEEIT
Anywhoo....let's get going:
Nitro: (or He should've brought the script in the ring with him!)
- Right off the BAT...no opening theme, no screaming Schiavone...they open up with...
- ah...amend statement one. Tony IS screaming.....triumphantly announcing that THIS is the "only LIVE professional wrestling program on the air tonight!!" (alas....a scant week ago...he could have found a way to incorporate THUNDER into the mix...but alas....alas).
- Y'know...before I even got a computer....I knew that RAW was taped and Nitro was live....no...it didn't make me choose to watch Nitro over RAW back then either. Ahhh those were the good ol' days....BOTH shows were a scant hour long....Mongo had his mutt, Bischoff had his mic....Nitro's power went off during one week...Bischoff got on the air and STRONGLY hinted that Vince did it...then the next week, Bischoff issued an apology...with his ass still bleeding from the cattle prod that Turner Lawyers shoved up it in a fury...ahh the good ol' days.
- sorry for the stroll down memory lane...now back to bizness.
- Bischoff comes out first...flying around like an airplane.....wanna know why I can't stand Bischoff? Two things really A: He has his own theme music AND he ordered it changed for a more heavier one
and B: HE DOES THAT FRIGGIN' AIRPLANE THING...IT'S HIS MOVE NOW...NO MAN WHO IS IN CHARGE OF MAKING ATHLETES LOOK GOOD SHOULD EVEN TAKE THE TIME TO CREATE A...A....A..MOVE LIKE THAT.
- and you know he practiced it in the mirror too...oh Hell, he went through a whole LITANY of moves before coming up with that one...trust me.
- and you know what else? I ALSO hate him because he doesn't even WANT to be in charge of WCW....if you read Al's news last Thursday...you read that Bischoff wants to be a big movie producer..and live in Hollywood..and bang actresses....and run a studio..and plan Summer Event movies. THAT'S what he wants to do...he doesn't want to be known for silly ass WRESTLING.....
- anywhoo....Hogan comes out with a whole tassle of NWO people....the Giant is there...BeefJerky is there.
- Hogan kisses Bischoff on the cheek..down the road at home, Patterson saw that and mumbled, "slut".
- THEN, the Giant picks up Bischoff and carries him.....later that night, Bischoff and the Giant played a spirited role playing game of "Richard Gere and the Gerbil"...you can guess the rest.
- That guy with the sign "BISCHOFF FOR PRESIDENT"....if he didn't get the LIVING CRAP KICKED OUT OF HIM LATER THAT NIGHT...then you ALL are a bunch of fags.
- In the ring.....well...nothing much was said..other than Hogan dropping MAJOR hints by saying, "There's not one man I haven't beat. There's not one man I can't beat." and so on and so forth. Just a little tease for us....a little handjob before the real screwing can begin.
- Oh yeah...the Giant is gonna whup Goldberg and hand the title back to Hogan......ever the bitch..the Giant offered no protest.
- Well.....WCW pulled it off...they idiot the sheep to chant "GOLDBERG" on their own......I weep for tomorrow's future.
- Gotta love the sign that said, "NITRO PARTIES SUCK" Since we have NEVER seen that one before...right there is your SIGN OF THE NIGHT.
- Kudos to the one that read, "WHAT'S ON RAW?" DOUBLE kudos because he got it in right next to Bischoff's big head.
- Tony, "WHAT A MEGA NIGHT THIS IS GOING TO BE!!!!!".........sigh.......I keep screaming and screaming for someone to knock him out. I offer $50 AND oral gratification....and still..he walks uninjured among us....DO I HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF????
- commercials
- opening theme
- They are in Hartford......in case this is your first trip to wrestling on the web and didn't know.
- Tony, "We are professional wrestling's LEADER!! This is NOT a taped broadcast!! This is LIVE and you're gonna see it ALL tonight on TNT". (It only FEELS taped because it's the same damn thing week after week....I don't care WHO the fu&^ is showing up.....it's the SAME DAMN SHOW AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!!)
- Mean Gene with JJ Dillon.....JJ sent some MORE blood to our collective symbolic pee pees by pondering Hogan's statement, "He beat EVERYBODY??? Hmmmm. I'll have to think on that a while." Then he announced the deal with the Wargames at Fall Brawl....3 teams, 3 men per team, Hogan, Nash, Page are the Captains, yadda, yadda, yadda
- If JJ seemed preoccupied...well, the last time he was in Conn.....he had abandoned the WWF like a thief in the night and left Vince totally without warning...so there MIGHT be a few snipers in the crowd.....looking for a little payback. If JJ sees one of those red lights on his body...he's running out of there like a girl.
- WCW Saturday Night footage when Malenko lectured Arn Anderson on why the Horsemen would work without Ric Flair.....just who in Christ watches WCW Saturday night anymore anyway?
- commercials
- The Nitro Girls are in the ring.....Tony calls them the most "gorgeous girls on cable TV"......I guess they're too ugly for the Satellite crowd.....they are the Spice Girls without accents.....or brains. Larry sez something about Fyre's "sandtrap"....poor Larry.....bitter to the disgruntled end.
- Nitro Party Pack winner.....further proof that mankind has NOT evolved from the primordial ooze from wence it came (and bloody good.....or I'd be out of a job here).
- Mongo took on Sickboy......I am NOT Carnac (God..I miss him) but I saw enough of his skits wear I can effectively rip him off.....to wit:
- the answer is..."Who cares?" (Who cares)
- rip.....blow....."What happened in the Mongo/Sickboy match?
- May your sister fall in love with Pat Patterson.....(HIIYOOOO)
- Oddly enough...if I just reported the match..it wouldn't have taken me as long as it did to NOT report it.
- Oh yes...and Tony was REALLY on the offensive this week....he said, "Herein lies the fact that WCW will give you a BIG TIME World title bout here tonight LIVE. as you know, our competitors are gonna be on the air with a PROGRAM (I think Tenay goosed him at this point, judging from the way his voice jumped) that was taped on another cable outlet, a few weeks in advance (WHAT??? THAT'S A BALD FACE LIE!!!!!!!! HE JUST LIED!!!!!!!! ISN'T THAT AGAINST THE LAW????) and I can tell you that WE know this..that for THEIR world title bouts....for all their hype, Mike THAT thing's gonna last for about...ten seconds!!"
- Tenay, "In other words, when WCW promotes a world title shot, WE ARE GONNA DELIVER THIS EVENING!"
- Tony, "Absolutely Mike, You and I can go to the ring for ten seconds..and that's what you're gonna get over there!"
- okay....let's break this down....
Last week...4 way tag TITLE match...14 minutes and change: Analysis...Schiavone is a douchebag!
This week.....Nobody ever said that Austin was fighting the Undertaker! Analysis....Schiavone is a lying douchebag
Nitro for the past month...including tonight...3 hours and PLUS minutes which STILL ends before the matter is settled...analysis...Schiavone is a dickfaced, lying douchebag
Last week....MENG is a CREDIBLE CHALLENGER AND A BIG TIME MAIN EVENTER?? Analysis...Schiavone is a dickfaced, lying douchebag who is in DESPERATE need of a blow&#@
- and oh yes...Mike Tenay should be raped by a 300 pound ex con named Ze-Smooth with braids in his hair.
- Oh man...Schiavone and Tenay have NO CLUE what they are up against....Ross and Lawler are gonna EAT THEM FOR BREAKFAST NEXT WEEK!!!!!!
- am I the only one who finds the humor in Tony pumping up Nitro while MONGO is messing with SICK BOY????
- oh yes...Larry claimed to have something to say but held his tongue.....hey Larry..we ALL know of your superior improvisational skills......He's STILL reminding people that HE came up with the term, "New World ODOR".
- Larry takes his bows...Tony says that even though he is SURE that we already know this.....he cannot HELP but remind us that is is GONNA be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- If you know Tony...or you are able to speak to him occasionally......let him know that I am DANGEROUSLY close to upping the ante and putting a BOUNTY out on the heads of his CHILDREN!!!! That's right Tony....now your KIDS may have to get involved in this....chew on THAT donut boy!!!
- Mean Gene talked about rolling bones and crapping.....I think I may have to quit drinking...'cause I am sober and I'm STILL hearing things.
- Gene brings out DDP. Page comes out the entranceway...then runs through the crowd anyway....he must of lost a contact earlier.
- Page claimed to have made a sojourn out "west" to recruit his team.....out west?
- West???
- OH...MY...GOD.....WCW is going to be represented by DDP, KARL MALONE, AND JAY LENO?????? HAVEN'T THEY LEARNED ANYTHING????
- and what does this say about WCW huh? NOT BLOOMIN' MUCH , BY CRACKEE
- Then the night's storyline took over and Page badmouthed Bret Hart....
- Then Bret Hart came out......he reminded Hartford, Page, and us that he was screwed over by Vince McMahon....then he started lecturing Page on professionalism...(hence the irony)
- Page screamed, "BACK OFF JACK!!!!" (If that was actually IN the script.....then WCW has MAJOR problems.....well, they have major problems anyway...but .....oh y'know).
- One thing led to yo' mother and...we had a US title match scheduled for later that night.
- Oh yeah...Bret took credit for crippling Savage.....Bischoff was so mad he actually crapped his designer jeans.
- commercials
- Mene Gene brought out Raven. Raven didn't have a chance to say a damn thing when....
- Horace came out......(So what if I'm Hogan's nephew? I DESERVE A PUSH!!! I DO, I DO, I DO!!!!!!!!!!)
- Horace said, and this was a a beauty, "Raven, you make me sick to my stomach!!".....(THEN Horace looked to the crowd....hoping...nay...PRAYING for some heat off that line....Hartford yawned in unison...I REALLY think Horace thought that he would win the crowd over with that single line).
- It's funny listening to Horace.....he speaks, but runs out of breath before the last word..so he REALLY struggles to get that last word out. He challenged Raven.
- Raven accepted....but insisted that it be a tag match with Horace and Kanyon against Raven and Saturn.
- Saturn and Kanyon come out.....they weren't too happy with this particular booking.
- JJ Dillon shows up from the SIDE.....he must have been trying to pick up some little chick, "Do you like chocolate, Honey? I have some chocolate in my dressing room! Come on...no, you don't have to ask Daddy for permission...oh Hell, I'll be right back!"
- JJ said that the match WILL take place because they have 3 hours to fill. He also made sure to get "verbal agreements" from all 4 parties...Kanyon just shook his head and didn't really AGREE VERBALLY...but why quibble.
- oh yes...winner only by pinfall and/or submission...and there will be no attacking each other's respective partner.
- High Voltage comes out...Tony comes EXCRUCIATINGLY close to saying once again that this is the BNE!!!!!....but didn't...yet.
- Tenay, "WOW!!! WHATTA LINEUP THIS EVENING ON NITRO!!!!!" Ze-Smooth...are you reading this????
- High Voltage took on Disco and Alex Wright.....
- Tony went on again about those ten seconds that we are gonna see on another network......judging from the e-mails i get.....LOTS of folks would rather see ten seconds of Austin than seeing two minutes of Goldberg.
- Meng showed uop and attacked everything on two legs....Tony completely IGNORED last week by BELLOWING, "NOTHING........NO MAN.....NO OBJECT.....NOTHING CAN STOP....MENG!!!!!!!!!! (so...last week with Goldberg was just a bad dream right Tony? Just a very bad dream. For God's sakes...WILL SOMEBODY DO US ALL A FAVOR AND KICK HIM IN THE BALLS PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
- Oh yes...somebody maced Meng and it didn't stop him...the person who did it had a head of horrible white trash hair...he was one of those guys who you just KNEW had a deep Southern accent
- commercials
- Are we in the second hour yet? Gee whiz man.
- Eddie Guerrero's music played....and Eddie came out in street clothes and his luggage.
- By now, you know what happened...Eddie kinda/sorta broke kayfabe and talked to Bischoff via the camera....if you want the full transcript...click on over to the INSIDE SCOOPS news board...Al has in scripted out in four parts....thank Heavens.
- I have two things to say about this...1: OF COURSE IT WAS A FULL WORK!!!! The last time anything even CLOSE to a shoot occurred on Nitro was SEVERAL years back when Brian Pillman jumped out from the crowd and interrupted a match...Bischoff was doing play by play at the time. He JUMPED out of his seat..SPRINTED to the ringside..and SCREAMED for Pillman to get the hell out of there. WCW Security showed up and grabbed Pillman...then Bischoff went back to the table and snapped, "Back to the match!"...and ignored the incident for the rest of his life.....THAT was a shoot. This was a WORK...fully planned and totally scripted.
- 2: SOMEONE in Atlanta reads this column......because I was the only one who keeps reminding you guys about when Bischoff threw coffee at Eddie...I didn't BREAK the story...but I kept it alive.
- it was a cool scripted work though....I wonder if Eddie signed a contract yet though? I could handle him in the WWF...having a Light Heavyweight feud with Taka Michinoku....then joining the Nation
- more crap from Saturday Night...do they still have the K-Jones to call it the "muthaship"?
- THERE'S the second hour fireworks...oh God...so long to go.
- Kanyon comes out...Saturn comes out, Raven comes out, Horace comes out (not in that order)...Tenay says that if us jerkoffs on the Internet are actually right for a change..then we are right smack dab in the middle of the BIGGEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- It is COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE for EACH AND EVERY NITRO to be the BEST and/or BIGGEST one ever...and yet..they insist on selling it to us.
- Tony gets personal with us....."We don't want to speculate...much like the Internet does...." Tony would be a M.U.F'K'N'T.E if it weren't for speculation....
- Y'know...you got problems if you are cheering for Kanyon and Horace....DEEP problems....AND you're gay t'boot
- Y'know again...Horace is just plain BAD.....no two ways about it.
- Horace whacked Kanyon with the Stop Sign...he looked more relieved that he followed the script then surprised that he hit his own partner.....actually..he just had that blank look of someone who doesn't need to care about keeping a job because his Uncle practically runs the show
- Saturn won the match for his team....the Raven DDT'd him....then Raven DDT's Kidman.....then Horace gave Saturn the "Old Glory"....then Raven DDT's Horace.....then I flipped the channel.
- commercials
- The Wolfpac comes out......Luger said Hello, Sting howled then said that he knew what the War Games were all about...THEN said that he was red & black for life...or until Bischoff changes his mind again.....then K-dawg did his thing..which was WAAAAY over...then Nash pushed War Games and said that they were too sweet......
- Tony and the boys kill time....Bobby Heenan joined the fun. Tony teases us about this "surprise" so bad that we have a RAGING case of blue balls.
- Scott Norton comes out with Vincent
- Then Scott Putski comes out...looking like he raided HHH's closet from when they were pushing him as a Connecticut Blue Blood...AND he was wearing this HUGE Crucifix on his chest
- Norton attacked....Putski had his shirt off...but NOT his Crucifix...Norton started top CHOP AT THE CRUCIFIX.....HOLY HANNAH!!!! NORTON IS DESECRATING THE CRUCIF!!!! THAT'S SACRILEGIOUS AND BLASPHEMOUS!!!! I'M OFFENDED FOR CHRISSAKES!!!! I AM GONNA WRITE A GODDAM LETTER TO GODDAM TURNER SPORTS AND BLAST THEM FOR ALLOWING THIS GODDAM HENIOUS ACT TO GO THROUGH.....GODDAMMIT!!!!!
- Norton won...but Putski bangs Missy Hyatte...so why would he care?
- commercials
- Hogan and Bischoff come out......Bischoff holds a sign that reads, "BISCHOFF FOR PRESIDENT"...The very same sign I commented on earlier...if that punk is still walking around by the time you read this...then you just plain suck.
- Okay...this was the Ultimate Warrior thingy....you A:LL know full well the deal here..ONCE again, you can shoot over to Al's News and click on the "Yesterday's News" icon and read the full transcript (assuming, of course..that you are reading this column on Wednesday....I'm sure Mike Sambura or someone has it posted in full) of the UW interview....so all I'm going to do here is make some comments about it...
1: His intro was GREAT.....well done.
2: The look on Hogan's face when he came out was ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS.....the jaw quivering bit was HILARIOUS
3: Hogan, "I...I thought you were dead!"....Funny on MANY levels
4: If egotism was food....there would be enough food in that ring to feed Ethiopia for a decade....or Mark Madden for a month.
5: UW, "You need to open your eyes and ears. Take control of the limited ability you have to understand what I'm about to say!" Well..he's still a prick.
6: UW, "UN-RE-CRE-ATE-ABLLLLLLLLE"....Is that a word?
7: Notice..whenever there was an over the shoulder shot of Hogan from UW's point of view...Bischoff manages to get his face on camera......sigh
8: UW, "History tells us Hogan, that a man's legacy is built on the premise that within his life, the moments lived, once lived, becomes a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently, even eloquently misplaced pieces of your history!!!" Now we know from whom Rick Scaia got his style from.
9: Someone blew a bullhorn...I SWEAR that I first thought someone in the ring farted.
10: UW, "In the one time, EPICAL battle between us....." Umm Epical? Epical?? EPICAL??? Sadly enough...I looked it up...it IS A WORD!!!!!!!
11: "I beat the unbeatable, conquered the inconquerable, dominated the iMdomnitable..." Oh God...he really IS still a prick.
12: UW to Beefacke, "Let's see, this...DUDE...must be your barber." UW to Bischoff, "And who are you little man? Who are you?" Bischoff, "You know who I am, MY NAME IS Eric Bischoff and I run this company and who invited you?" UW, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA" He's a prick...but on this ONE occasion..he is a FUNNY prick.
13: Memorial day....Memorial day?????
14: UW back to Hulky, "Beating you means nothing anymore...everybody already has!" Another priceless Hogan reaction.
15: Typical Warrior.....he left and nobody had a clue what he was talking about. He was going to do SOMETHING next week..but damned if I figured it out.
- Then he vanished in a puff of smoke (gay)...then the Bat Signal came on...meaning that he had to travel to Gotham and stop Two Face from stealing the Gemini Diamonds.
- I'll say it once more...he's a prick...but DAMN...he can be an entertaining prick. Of course, in about 2 months...we'll all be sick of his crap...but it's been two years since we last saw him.....so it's okay to mark out a bit.....I sure won't....because I can tell where this is leading..as with all things WCW...it's going STRAIGHT down the toilet.
- Oh...you disagree? Want proof? here you go..Piper came out of nowhere after Halloween Havok a few years ago and basically did the same thing.....everyone flipped...now, there isn't a single fan out there who wouldn't be happy if Piper never showed his face on TV again.
- If UW shows up in the next few weeks with a video of him singing..and a shot of him looking at a arena marquee with a look of sadness and determination in his eye as the marquee treads, "Ultimate Warrior vs Hulk Hogan" and Tony treats the video like the Zapruder film......I am QUITTING the Mop-Up and joining the French Foreign Legion.
- By the way...ANY of the UW quotes that I have mentioned are viable contenders for LINE OF THE NIGHT...pick one and be comfortable with your choice.
- commercials
- footage of what just happened.
- The Nitro Girls in the ring....one would hope that Warrior smoke would've choked out a few of them wouldn't you...alas, t'was not to be.
- commercials
- Curt Hennig comes out to take on Dean Malenko....Tony and the boys totally blow it off....as you probably either already knew..or you could've figured out anyway. Tony kept putting "two and two together".....sadly..it's WCW...he didn't have enough data to compute the answer.
- before they could jam...Tony rebooted his data banks and sent us off to some more...
- commercials
- Tenay re-arranged history a tad (as they are ALL wont to do) and claimed that BOTH Hennig and Rude were members of the 4 Horsemen.....(the notion that Rude spent ANY time in ECW and the WWF during Hennig's Horsemen run is unheard of).
- Tony, "This has been a night for the ages...THIS has been a night to remember! Then he went breathlessly speechless....would SOMEONE HURT HIM please!!!!!!!!
- Tony's back on the mysterious "ten second main event".....actually..the Val Venis/Kaientai match was the main event...AND THAT ONE HAD A CHICK GET SQUIRTED WITH LOVE GOO!!!!! TOP THAT ONE TONY!!!!!!
- Notice that Heenan NEVER has anything bad to say about his former employer.....NEVER. he may now SUCK...but he has class.
- The Hennigplex won the match.....Rude helped of course. Tony applauded Hennig's perserverence even though the Warrior shook up his "boss"...there are so many things wrong with that...I wouldn't know WHERE to begin.
- commercials
Chris Hyatte
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